Author Topic: 19 y/o girl  (Read 8826 times)

ping

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19 y/o girl
« on: February 01, 2015, 07:43:09 AM »
Hi all
Well this feels embarrassing even on an anonymous board - but I need help and I'm sick of pretending it isn't a problem.
The first time I saw porn I was 7 years old. I was at a friends house, she was showing me her new schools website, then she said hey, look at this - I can't remember what she Googled, but the images she showed me stuck in my head forever and I can still recall them now. From then on, I was absolutely obsessed with the idea of men's 'bits' (as I called them). I knew that what I was thinking was 'wrong' so I never talked to anyone else about it, but I had sexual dreams all the time and was besotted with male teachers at school. The fantasies were never to do with myself and them, just them 'solo' as I had seen in the porn images. I became a computer whiz age 8, knowing the ins and outs of web history deletion and max security to fuel my habit.
I had bad self esteem at school and was picked on because I had big teeth and spots really early on, and I was unattractive and had no male attention until I was 15. Throughout all this time, I was constantly viewing a shedload of porn - 90% male solo stuff - that was fuelling me so desperately. When I did eventually get male attention age 15, I was all over them, giving it to anyone that'd have me. Men in real life didn't really turn me on - none of my experiences were looked back with pleasure at all. I wasn't turned on any of the times particularly, real life was a 'let down'. Then I began to wonder if I was gay. I fancied boys my whole life really, however there was one girl I had a crush on in school - not so much sexual, more that I just wanted to 'know her forever' kinda thing (I dreamt we got married).
From 15 until 18 I began to become convinced I liked girls instead, and during this time I was sexually assaulted three times by men. This fuelled such an anti male rage in me that when I went to university (still watching an incredible amount of porn - but still all male), I got a girlfriend in the first week. I expected to fulfil the stereotype then - that the first time we'd have sex, something would 'Click' and 'feel right', as gay people always described their first same sex experience. Although I was more turned on probably than I was with men, it still didn't feel like I'd found the answer to my own sexuality. I was with this girl for a year, but was still viewing male solo porn on the side. I learned to love her in time , and I felt safe around her more than anything, but I was still more intrigued by the male body. Then one night a few months ago we had an argument, which she turned physical and I was very badly hurt, so the police intervened. I struggled a lot because I felt that I was pathetic - afraid of men for being sexually assaulted, now afraid of women because the only one I'd ever let in nearly killed me...
I've come to the conclusion I need to give up porn. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I feel it's warped my sexuality. I think I am straight - and I know I want to be (I'm desperate to have children). Does anyone else know if this is something pornography could affect? I'm so confused about what I want and who I want - the only sexual experiences I seem to enjoy and get off on are ones on a computer screen. I associate porn with guilt - and as the people I'm viewing are all men (I never really watch women, only gay men or solo) - the idea of having sex with a man I now equate with guilt, as well as fear.
Does anyone else relate to this? Can I undo all the damage that was done? I feel like I've been warped forever, damaged goods...

Bustin Offman

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2015, 10:36:19 AM »
Hi,
I can't speak directly to your experience, but I feel for you. I don't believe porn can alter your sexuality, but it absolutely can twist your thinking. You have conditioned your brain from a young age to get its sexual stimulation from one source. Whether that source reflects what you actually desire or whether it is just what your brain knows how to use to escape from the confusion of life is impossible to say. Porn is an easy escape. It certainly was for me. When I was socially awkward, had low self-esteem, was depressed or confused, I just turned on the computer and disappeared into it for a while. The trouble is, it made me more anxious, more confused when I emerged. I wasn't solving or even addressing any problems, just shoving an ever larger heap of them down the road ahead of me. And you've had some horrible experiences to add to your confusion, at just the time when we humans are trying to find out who we are, what our sexuality is. It seems to me that porn has robbed you of the time you need to think clearly. That's what you need now - time - and the good news is, it's freely available to us if we choose to use it. Your mind is not damaged forever - you have trained it once in the wrong direction, without really trying, so you can certainly train it in the right direction. There is living proof of that throughout this forum and others. Cutting out porn is the first step. Then give yourself space and time to let your mind clear. I've found that cutting out porn and M has made me less anxious, more focused and more lucid in my thinking. As you have been watching porn since before puberty, this may take time for you, but your mind will slowly recover its focus. It will be hard, make no mistake, but I would recommend stopping any sexual stimulation, to keep the images your brain is so used to bubbling up. That's not for everyone though. And don't be anxious or beat yourself up if the change doesn't happen right away, just acknowledge to yourself that you're going to need time. All of us porn addicts on here have been living as slaves to an artificially-created desire. We've all realised it brings no satisfaction. We've all decided we want to take back control of our own lives, which means letting our rational minds back in charge. Then we might get to the bottom of what we actually do want out of life. But we all know it's not easy to break an addiction. Signing up here is a really important step, because you're announcing you want to change. Watch all the videos you can find on the subject - there's a Buddhist monk on youtube talking about masturbation which I found particularly interesting. He's not handing out religious guidance, just sensible advice on how to think about things. Talk to someone you trust if you feel comfortable doing that, but above all give yourself a break, and give yourself a chance to find out what you want. All the best.

ping

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2015, 01:59:34 PM »
Thanks so much, such a great reply.

I think part of the reason I haven't cut out porn in the last few years (aside from the addiction/dopamine reasons) is because I'm scared I'm going to be faced with my real sexuality... Whatever that may be.
Talking about porn with friends because of my age and gender is rather taboo, I was wondering whether porn tastes can wildly differ from sexuality? Ie. Could a perfectly straight man who has no interest in men in real life get off on gay male porn? I just have a lot of questions for myself, and was wondering others experiences..

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2015, 06:46:47 PM »
Hey ping,

To answer your question - yes, P can totally warp your preferences and even make you think you're gay. There is a lot of guys in this forum who reported being very much into gay porn and describing the same symptoms as you do! Also, most of them tried gay sex only to find out that it didn't seem to be the thing they were looking for. I understand your not into P with women, but still the trans-orientation issue remains. So when I read your story, I just thought, once again, damn this addiction is so twisted, yet so simple - this is a dopamine addiction and you conditioned yourself to getting dopamine hits from viewing some kinds of P, while at the same time not having that many chances to explore your sexuality in a healthy way.

So, on one hand - nothing to worry, you're not alone, the path you're on has been treaded before, on the other - well, since you are here, it seems that there is some work for you to do :)

I have some favourite threads on this forum - PM me if you want to know which ones, but for starters I recommend YourBrainOnPorn.com for you. Read and watch as much as you can :)

J.

ping

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2015, 06:32:32 PM »
Thanks so much for your reply - comforting to know that P can alter you in so many ways... I hope the reversal is quick! :/ I read your brain on porn - the massive unnatural stimulation of the human brain is so so interesting, completely shows why it's so addictive and destructive of one of the most beautiful things about being alive - sexuality (not as in preference of gender, as in enjoyment and fulfilment with loving partners).

Okay I'm only on day two, but I feel so...sexless. I honestly feel asexual, I can't think of a single thing to turn me on. Would you guys say this is normal? In the last week when I cut down (but still indulged :/) I felt very very geared towards men, now I feel...nothing...

Bit worrisome for me (and boring!) when you guys have done it did you refrain from masturbating too? I'm single as hell and I don't enjoy one nighters so I won't be getting anywhere for a long time without it... My instinct says yes however my willpower says please God no..

Tarmala

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2015, 11:04:33 PM »
Hi
Your story really remind me mine sttory. I'm a guy, but it has been a long way for me as well.

I discovers porn really young, I found out some books near my mother bed. I was around 8. It was mostly focussed on butt intercourse, if I can say that. So for shure, my sexuality had been tint with that. I even try to find some men to try that, because I projected myself in the main caracter, a girl. But I just got softly abused by some pedophile.  I took me a while to see the consequence of that thing. And it took me a while to accept my past.

Soo Internet arrived in my 14, it was in 1998, (i'm 30 yo) that was new! And for shure I knew what to search on. While at school, I was rejected and tell"You gay" and for shure, being told for 12 years you are gay, I started questionning mysefl. But I never at gay porn, I just really like women porn, like I was use to read. When I arrived in my first field of studies, theater, being gay or not wasn't important, because it ius a really openminded world. It really helped me. But I was still more attracted to women. But each time, I got Erectile Dysfunction, because I still looked at porn and I wanted to reproduce that. And it was really hurting me, because I wasn'T able. Soo I tried with guy. And ED wasn't a problem, not because I didn't had ED, but because I was the receiver. By doing that, I was ignoring the problem.

When I finished my studies, I was 23yo, I decide to be gay. Well to convice me I was gay. Soo I try to eliminate women porn, and porn became more borring. It didn't last long before I got back to my habbits. And I experimented only with men, which was nice, but I was still because I had ED. But being gay, my ED was normal and justified, because I was gay. See how your mind can fool you. I was just lost.

Over time, I loked at more deep and deep porn, and I found a tutor, and he asked about why I was still looking at women porn? And he didn't believe I gay, but maybe bisexual. Luckly, it was also the time I started to be concious of my porn addiction. I found yourBrainOnPorn, and it changed my life. Soo I stop porn, and I found a sexologist. All when very fast, because I firt with a girl and it work.Well, it wasn't a healty relationship at all, but I had notthing to lose. And because of that, I didn't ED at all.

And on my 27 anniversary, I leave her, because of wrelationship problem, but not inheret to my sexuality. It was the sexuality that was the bound. Soo I look at porn on and off, while with her, and even more celebatary. But they was a hudge difference, I knew I was attracted mostly on women. (I tried to be with guy, really hard, but I never had emotion for a men) And the most important, I knew that I'm addicted to porn, and porn it bad for me.

And on my 28, I found a girl, and we took our time. I wasn't shure I loved her, I was in the mood of experimenting with women, but she got me with her emotion, and I felt in love with her. The sexuality havn't easy at the beginning, I putted a lot of preessure to behave like porn, then I got some ED. But she was not looking for performance, but sharing and affection. I also did a therapy with a sexologue, alone, it helped a lot, to understand me, but because the sexuality is shared with the other, it was incomplete. So with her, and because she was really open for that subject, we went to a couple sexual therapy. The therapy highligthed many problem, not only sexual, but in our relationship and both was welling to resolve them, because we believe in each other.

Now, I still consider myself as porn addicted and I got relapse somtime, that's why I'm here. Over the year, I learn that I'm bisexual for sex, but for affection, emotion and love, I'm to women. It had been a long path, I long path that I'm now pround of it, beacuse I'm now happy in my life, with my wife, and soon baby.

So you can be pround of you, of your awareness that can take soo long to have.

And yes, I got that asexual feeling too, it's normal because your brain rebalance. While that, the brain still need a lot to be exited while you give notting as before. And yes, after porn relapse, masturbation isn't funny without porn.
Sexual life is like the sky, sometimes it's sunny, sometimes it's couldy and sometimes it's pourring rain, snow and ice. And all of this is normal.


Bustin Offman

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2015, 07:04:01 AM »
Personally I have had the same kind of listless feeling, and a distinct drop in libido, as soon as I stopped. It does seem strange that you can go from horny ape to nothing in the space of a few days, but I would guess that if you turn your focus suddenly away from porn, then perhaps the brain doesn't quite know yet what else will arouse you. It may keep trying to pull you back to porn, to stick to what it knows.
Another factor is that you literally don't know what to do with your hands. I spent several hours a week looking at porn. Once I decided to stop entirely, I had a fair bit of time to fill. You think to yourself, what now? As I was saying before, porn was an escape from reality and responsibility, and they are daunting things to face if you've spent so much time trying to evade them. No wonder that you might rebel, psychologically, and shut down for a while. But no matter the reason for this listless, asexual feeling, it does appear to be pretty normal. It will pass, but the timescale is unpredictable, I assume. You should try to find something to fill that time though - I've been writing and playing music, but any activity will do, something that will get you out the house, meeting people, or activate your mind.
Myself, I have given up masturbation entirely, to go full monk mode - as I said before, I feel more confident and clear-headed as a result and my libido is returning. The feeling I was getting after masturbation was so dispiriting when I was looking at porn that I don't want to risk its return. I'm going to put my mind to getting back into a relationship where the sexual experience is about the mind as much as the body. Keep your spirits up! 

ping

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2015, 02:49:51 PM »
Hey guys

Thanks for your replies! I'm really really struggling at the moment - I quit porn, I seem to have no sexuality/I begin to lean more towards thinking about my abusive ex girlfriend. Or I keep at porn and hate myself, and I seem to be able to FEEL myself becoming de sensitised to the stuff I'm viewing now.
One of my big problems is that my whole life with the internet seems to have triggers!!! Because I have to use Facebook as a social network (loads of my friends are currently abroad so we message every day), I see loads of innuendos, jokes, a soft core porn on my newsfeed. I open a news website there are hundreds of images of barely clothed celebrities, all sitting behind the same screen as the ever accessible porn. I even downloaded K9 but I just bypass that. It seems if I'm on the internet (I have to be quite a bit at the moment as I'm filling out online applications), I'm inundated with semi pornographic images anyway...
It's making me realise just how scarily sex obsessed our culture is. I mean I know loads of kids nowadays have seen porn, but when it's being blasted at them and alluded to from the age of 13 upwards, how do we cope with that?
I even find articles like "Japanese men have the least amount of sex, survey shows" triggering when I'm abstaining.
Like seriously apart from sticking my head in the sand how do you get out of this? Did anyone else notice this? Papers, magazines, billboards etc... We are fucking surrounded and I only just started to realise!

lte

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2015, 02:15:05 PM »
You can get out of this, it just takes time. Try thinking in these terms; what you've done up to this point hasn't worked so don't fool yourself into thinking that it ever will. Masturbating to porn dulls us, plain and simple. It buries our sexuality under layer-upon-layer of fantasy.

Real world sex is different, as it should be. Find an emotionally fulfilling relationship and sex will work. There are no shortcuts.


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Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

Tarmala

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2015, 11:59:15 PM »
I understand the constant trigger of Internet, and even tv. It's our society. The same way sugar is everywhere because it's pleasant for your brain and it sold more, porn and soft porn image do the same. And at the beggening it's revolting how it's everywhere. I was really upset and in raction with all these trigger I tried, and still try,to get away. But with time, the trigger are less important, because I'm less dependant of that "sugar rush".

One good thing to do, it's to change some habbit. For shure you need to go to internet to not cut yoursefl from your friend, but maybe you can leave your phone at home, or uncharged if you don't need too.

But a good thing is that you become more criticism about porn and that's a good thing.
Sexual life is like the sky, sometimes it's sunny, sometimes it's couldy and sometimes it's pourring rain, snow and ice. And all of this is normal.


ping

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2015, 08:15:47 AM »
Its been a week or so... (I shouldve kept a record!!)
Oh well... anyway I feel like already my tastes are changing, warping. A week and a half ago I wouldve told you about how female bodies were the most beautiful, the most overtly sexual to me. Now I'm not viewing (and I guess continually objectifying) male porn... I find myself interested in the men!
this article is particularly interesting for people who want to learn about sexual tastes and orientation and the differentiation. http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/are-sexual-tastes-immutable

I wrote out at the start of this P free week a list of things that I've been putting off for MONTHS, even stupid things like emailing an old friend who lives the other side of the world, to re arranging and clearing my bathroom. This list has been most helpful, as I can just work through it and constantly keep busy. I'm trying to cut down my internet usage too.

Another slightly unrelated thing I recommend to you guys is having a cull on social media - removing those randomers you met at a party once, removing the ex who you only keep to keep tabs on etc. There is something very liberating about it, and now instead of flicking through social media and feeling dissatisfaction, I feel interested and happy because I'm looking at actual things my friends post, which is far more gratifying! I usually resorted to P if I felt unhappy/bored whilst on the computer, so this has actually helped... just an idea!
Have a good weekend everyone

lte

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #11 on: February 28, 2015, 09:35:42 AM »
I've often wondered about the role of social media in all of this. The closest I come to social media is forums, such as this one. I see Facebook as being characteristically different from forums. I suspect that building massive friend lists may be a form of hoarding for some people.


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ping

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #12 on: February 28, 2015, 08:17:53 PM »
I've often wondered about the role of social media in all of this. The closest I come to social media is forums, such as this one. I see Facebook as being characteristically different from forums. I suspect that building massive friend lists may be a form of hoarding for some people.

Well I've been thinking, my generation are a whole bunch of people born into the culture of instant gratification, we get a dopamine spike for every like and comment, every bit of attention gained on SM. That instant gratification spills over and culminates in the ultimate form of instant gratification which is P. We have access to whatever we want on demand! I think social media is like symptomatic of the problem which everyone who engages on social media - particularly my generation - faces. It's scary that so many of my male friends who are under 20 have confessed to having performance issues with their lovely girlfriends ...

Been reading a lot on the YourBrainonPorn website, some unbelievably fascinating stuff. I wonder how many people have read this information, or are even aware of it. I think there definitely needs to be far far greater awareness about p consumption.

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #13 on: February 28, 2015, 10:59:30 PM »
One thing I dislike about Facebook is the fact that you have to declare who,your friends are and that you can unfriend someone. It strikes me as juvenile. I think that online socializing has created a false sense of who is and who is not an actual friend. Love and kindness should have at least some of their expression in real interchanges between people in the same place, at the same time. I see it as ludicrous that someone would think that dozens, hundreds or even thousands of online "friends" has any direct correlation to real, flesh and blood friends in the physical world. In some cases, online friendships have crossed over beyond the online realm, but I've found that people I really like online may not turn out to be such good friends in person.

The number of young males unable to perform sexually is highly disturbing to me. If anyone is not concerned it's because they aren't paying attention; IMHO.


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Jimmy James

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #14 on: March 01, 2015, 08:04:24 AM »
Facebook is different for everyone.  For me it is mostly a way of communicating about my kids extracurricular activities and a news aggregator and a way to share pictures of your kids.  It has never really been much of a social tool for me.  I can see that is can be very different for other people.

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #15 on: March 01, 2015, 08:31:31 AM »
Facebook is different for everyone.  For me it is mostly a way of communicating about my kids extracurricular activities and a news aggregator and a way to share pictures of your kids.  It has never really been much of a social tool for me.  I can see that is can be very different for other people.
I think that there's a generational difference. By the time the Internet became a consumer product I was established as an adult. Someone growing up in the Internet era may see Facebook as a completely different thing than I do. It's an integral part of social life for many young people these days. I'm not sure that's such a good thing, but that's the way things are.


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ping

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #16 on: March 01, 2015, 08:16:36 PM »
Hey guys, I hope this won't be too awkward for you to answer, but I can only really get answers from men so here goes it..
Since not watching porn I've been thinking more about my future, what kind of relationships I'd be into, what lessons I've learnt etc. I've also been reading the forums, first hand posts about how guys view women as gratifying sex objects etc, how many guys are into violent porn...
Even though I know that I objectified men SO much throughout my porn watching (many many years of porn watching), I'm freaked by this - I don't know a single guy my age who doesn't watch porn, so how can I engage with a guy who's like this? I've been afraid of men most of my life and because my generation are so porn orientated, it's become an ingrained part of our sexuality. This fear of men mounted with their admittance to how porn warps them really worries me... I want to be in a healthy relationship with a man, but how can I if all men are like this?? I'm so confused I hope this makes sense!

Gabe Deem

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #17 on: March 01, 2015, 09:41:25 PM »
@ ping
Quote
I've been afraid of men most of my life and because my generation are so porn orientated, it's become an ingrained part of our sexuality. This fear of men mounted with their admittance to how porn warps them really worries me... I want to be in a healthy relationship with a man, but how can I if all men are like this?

I don't have time to give you a long winded answer at the moment. But not all guys are like this. The best way to form a healthy relationship is to have open dialogue in the dating/getting to know each other phase, and have these cultural conversations about how you feel porn has affected everyone. Most importantly, make the guy you like aware of the neuroscience behind how porn affects people. It just might lead to a beautiful growing experience for both of you.

Everyone is broken in some way or another, but a thousand broken pieces of glass can make a beautiful picture.

Much Love
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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #18 on: March 03, 2015, 01:10:55 PM »
@ ping
Quote
I've been afraid of men most of my life and because my generation are so porn orientated, it's become an ingrained part of our sexuality. This fear of men mounted with their admittance to how porn warps them really worries me... I want to be in a healthy relationship with a man, but how can I if all men are like this?

I don't have time to give you a long winded answer at the moment. But not all guys are like this. The best way to form a healthy relationship is to have open dialogue in the dating/getting to know each other phase, and have these cultural conversations about how you feel porn has affected everyone. Most importantly, make the guy you like aware of the neuroscience behind how porn affects people. It just might lead to a beautiful growing experience for both of you.

Everyone is broken in some way or another, but a thousand broken pieces of glass can make a beautiful picture.

Much Love

So true.

ping, your question is just a bit too difficult ;) I mean, it's a really a question about hope for a better life, a rewarding relationship with someone.

Please, have hope. It will also require some effort, some thinking, some planning to find someone with whom you will feel good. I hope that once the most difficult part of reboot will be past you, you will feel the need to connect to people, and from then on you will settle for a journey of getting to know people, talking, interacting. I just hope your gut feeling will help you in finding people who you like.

I hear your question as a manifestation of some kind of fear for the future. If I can suggest anything, try not thinking about the future too much. Try thinking here and now. Today. Once you will get to the point where those issues will be of your concern, I think you will be able to handle them.

g4px

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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #19 on: March 04, 2015, 05:50:10 PM »

...try not thinking about the future too much. Try thinking here and now...




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Re: 19 y/o girl
« Reply #20 on: March 09, 2015, 10:38:52 PM »
It looks like this path has been really tough on you :( I wish you the best, and I'll add in my 2 cents for moral support.

First of all, I firmly believe that we are all damaged goods. Not all as in all who are on this site, I mean all the people, everywhere in the world. I believe there is not one among us who has had smooth sailing all throughout their life. So please do not let yourself be disheartened by this. There is quote from Venerable Ajahn Chah (a Buddhist forest monk) that goes like this:

Before saying a word, he [Ajahn Chah] motioned to a glass at his side. “Do you see this glass?” he asked us. “I love this glass. It holds the water admirably. When the sun shines on it, it reflects the light beautifully. When I tap it, it has a lovely ring. Yet for me, this glass is already broken. When the wind knocks it over or my elbow knocks it off the shelf and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ But when I understand that this glass is already broken, every minute with it is precious.”

I love Ajahn Chah. He's awesome.

Secondly, it is then not what has happened to us in our past that defines us, but what we make of it. What we grow to be. How we use that experience to blossom into a person who we can ourselves learn to love.

Thirdly, the right guy or girl will come along when you least expect them. What's important right now is to develop yourself into someone who you can love. See the things you've been putting off that you love and make you feel wholly fulfilled and in the zone. See what causes you stress and grief, anger, misery, and sadness, and do whatever it is in your power to leave them aside. Really build the resolve and the conviction to not engage yourself in the activities your past self would have. Lastly, learn to notice the amazingness that is around you! The small things in life are fleeting, but if we really, and I mean reaaaaallly pay careful, wholly engaged attention, you'll notice the richness and depth of the world you live in, and you'll become distraught that you've been overlooking so many beautiful moments, to think about worries about an uncertain future that will never get better with worrying and a past that will never be brought back through ruminating.

My best wishes are with you :)
« Last Edit: March 12, 2015, 09:05:20 PM by Anturak »