Author Topic: Putting it out there  (Read 599 times)

Dday

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Putting it out there
« on: January 30, 2015, 01:58:34 PM »
Trying to find some clarity on my issues.  I'm 29 years old, and first discovered porn at about 15.  I rarely PMO'd during this time usually to some grainy VHS tapes, and lost my virginity at 16.  Around this time I got in a shitload of trouble and got locked up for 3 years, during which time I PMO'd frequently to magazines as there was no women.  I got out and resumed my porn addiction to a couple of movies.  I had sex with several women during this time with minimal to no ED usually just took a long time to orgasm if I wasn't really into the women.  I have had sex with about 45-50 women (some drunken blackout escapades in there) and for some reason even though I had no trouble getting women I was ramping up my PMO.  I started getting PIED during the last 6 years or so with a few no show boners in there but always somehow played it off for a while till it did get hard.  I got married a couple years ago to a woman I love unconditionally, but never gave up porn.  I only got high speed internet about two years ago and good god did I ever go apeshit with the porn.  I was sometimes PMOing up to 5 times a day while having what felt like ever evolving unsatisfying sex with my wife.  We just had a baby a few months ago and during her pregnancy she was always sick and never in the mood for sex so I was PMOing several times a day every day.  She caught me one time and almost divorced me, as she sees porn as the monster it is.  I was not convinced of the evil of porn at the time and just hid it better because I tried to stop but obviously was severely addicted.  After the baby was born and she recovered I was still PMOing several times a day (at work).  We had successful sex twice, but then BAM!!!  Out of nowhere my penis would not get hard for her...period...just dead.  I then realized the extent of my problem and through research discovered YBOP AND NOFAP.  I decided to do a reboot on dec 19 2014. 
I went into instant flatline day one!  After a 8 days of that I started getting 60% morning woods.  After 2 weeks started getting spontaneous erections and MO'd to sensation alone with the lightest touch on the 15th day.  I then decided to help myself and blocked all internet access on my iphone.  Then went 41 days straight no PMO with the one MO on the 15th day.  During this time I was getting 80-100% morning wood everyday, and several 80-100% spontaneous erections sometimes everyday.  I never told my wife about the reboot as I'm positive she will divorce me this time, so I just told her I had ED but didn't want to use Viagra so I was doing a program to try and fix it.  She believed me since she knows I NEVER had any problems getting an erection with her until recently and she always made fun of my raging morning erections which had stopped. 
Well of course like a damn idiot I decided to surf he web and immediately went into a fucking tunnel vision of novelty porn hunting that I didn't even realize till it was too late!  41 days down he fucking drain and now the massive depression and chaser effect.  I haven't given in and don't plan to but seem to be back into a slight flatline.  I don't know if I can tell my wife the truth and am guilt ridden because of it.
I am hoping for a little support from the community.  How should I go about the situation with my wife, I can't stand the thought of losing her or my baby to fucking porn of all things.  I don't even know if I can follow through and tell her if I wanted to.  I was also wondering if anyone has any clue how far I set myself back with my relapse.  All responses are welcome even the negative criticism for being a scumbag with my wife would be appreciated.  Sorry this is so long
« Last Edit: January 30, 2015, 02:02:08 PM by Dday »