Author Topic: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????  (Read 6290 times)

tachieman

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54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« on: January 25, 2015, 11:07:30 PM »
Anyone over 50 please help.
I am 54 and have been addicted to porn forever. I saw this site and figured it was worth a try to give up porn and try to rewire my brain.
I gave up porn for a year but still masturbated occasionally. I came away with no positive results.
I then went 4 solid months without porn and without masturbating. I thought I should be recovered. I still came away with no positive results with my wife.
I can get hard enough for oral sex and but hard enough to enter her. I am so frustrated that I started looking at porn again.
My question is for guys over 50.
If you have recovered and can get a good erection for sex, how long did it take???

olafthewise

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2015, 12:43:16 AM »
This site has all the answers you need. go to yourbrainonporn.com I learned a great deal.

at 52 I did not have the symptoms of others like PMO. I simply collected pics of nude women.
If you are having oral sex and coital sex, you are miles ahead of me. I gave up porn in November 2014 and sex has continued to get worse and now she can't even give a good hand job. So I am now a monk as she cannot have coital sex without pain. She thinks I can live off of love without sex because love is better...(cue the violins and piano music please)

Doc74

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2015, 09:08:23 AM »
"How long did it take?" That is the million dollar question. Bottom line, we're all so very different.
I consider myself very fortunate. Like you I am addicted to porn. It started 40+ years ago with penthouse mags (I'm 55). As many as I could get my hands on. Then the VCR was born and soon the corner store was renting porn from behind the curtained room. And then the Internet - worst thing ever for a guy who can't watch enough pics of clips of women and any type of act that interests you on any given day.
I started a new relationship recently - and for the first time in my life, I started to have "performance" issues. Sometimes I just couldn't get hard at all. She would use her mouth, hands, talk to me, she would try anything I ask - but that just made it worse. And then there were the times when I could get hard - and half way into our lovemaking, I'd go soft.
It got to the point that I was fearing when I might have to perform next.
During all of this, I was starting to cut back on my PMOing, and  over a few months I slowly started to see my performance issues decrease in frequency. I didn't really know that the one was helping the other, just sort of sensed it. It wasn't until I found this site 2 weeks ago that I've become more educated and now understand just how terribly destructive porn is - and has been for me.
So - I don't believe anyone can give you a firm answer - "it willtake this long". What I can say is that you won't ever get there if you don't defeat this disease. Not that you can't slip up, have relapses, make mistakes, etc. we're all human. But you can and have to defeat porn.
If you haven't seen a doctor, you need to. Your particular challenge may be more than just a porn addiction (as if that's not enough....). But tackling the porn addiction is a must on your path to recovery. If you can't discuss this with your family doc (I find it very hard to talk about these issues with my family doc, he's been mine for 35 years and was my father's doc too). But there are other doctors you can speak to, some even through an EAP program or via phone.
The important thing is to find out what else is going on.
Knowledge is power!!!!
Keep learning, stay strong and focused. Speak to that doc and get more help and support - you can do this. You are early in the process - keep up the good fight!

tachieman

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2015, 08:01:36 PM »
I just saw my doctor. My health is excellent and my blood work came back normal. I do not smoke and I am not overweight.I totally understand that I need to reboot my brain but it's taking forever.

challenged

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2015, 08:07:44 PM »
Did your blood work include a check of your testosterone levels?  They typically don't check for that unless you ask them to, or describe symptoms that tells them they should check it.


tachieman

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2015, 10:28:38 PM »
Yes, testosterone was fine.

challenged

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2015, 01:27:16 AM »
tachieman, we might need some more details to offer any advice or suggestions.  When you say you have had "no positive results" with your wife, what do you mean?  How long ago was this 4 months of abstinence?  How long ago was your 1 year period of no porn?  How long as it been since you returned to porn, and how often are you using?  Do you find that you have no difficulty obtaining an erection when you look at porn, but only have ED with your wife?  Can you obtain an erection with your hand or with your hand and fantasizing about your wife?  Did you experience any changes at all when you were off porn, such as morning wood? When you are off porn, are you possibly slipping or compromising in some way (e.g., watching soft porn on cable but not masturbating)?  Have you told your wife about your use of and struggle with porn?  Are there any other sexual issues that might be causing you problems (e.g., past sexual abuse)?  I think perhaps more details and answers to these and other questions might produce some ideas on what the problem might be or what might work.

FWIW, I'm a few years older than you, and I found that staying away from porn for a couple of weeks produced fairly immediate results in terms of resolving ED to a significant extent, but then again, my porn use was somewhat intermittent and might have been of a different character than what is typical for a lot of habitual users, and I was only experiencing some partial ED issues when I found this site.  As someone else said above, we are all different and our experiences and circumstances are all very different.

Dharmabum

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #7 on: January 28, 2015, 06:26:06 AM »
All I can add to this conversation as a 47 YO who has dealt with this for a long time is that I only turned a corner when I had three things happen (1) elimination of other sexual stimuli (PMO), (2) getting out of my head during sex so I wasn't worried, nervous, or fearful (the hardest part) and (3) complete connection with my wife, so we were the only two people "in the bed and in my head." 

It took me a long time to get there, and then once I got there for awhile, I screwed up by thinking I could reintroduce PMO and strike a 'healthy balance' with what turned out to be a big, fat Sabotage Cocktail.  Now it's just me and my wife, and my eager and best attempt at staying sober and connected to her.  So far, so good.  But it's a continual journey. 

I wish there were easier, more clear cut answers.  Instead, all I can do is offer my experience and wish you the best.  Telling you not to worry and to 'get out of your head' - while sincere and well-intended - is like saying "don't think of the color blue."  You have to get there on your own time, with your own confidence and connectivity. 

Keep going.  Don't give up.  You can do it.  Be patient and kind with yourself. 

Phase2

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2015, 08:56:12 AM »
Man, you sound really frustrated. I feel for you. Hang tough buddy. I'm 49 and still only day 45 in so can't comment too much based on my experience, but the one thing that jumped out at me was that you returned to porn. From what I've read and understood, it's important for you to decide once and for all that you are not going back to porn ever. It is a new mindset. You will now only get sexual satisfaction from real live humans from now on and NEVER pixels. This is key because if somewhere in the back of your mind your brain thinks you might return to porn, the healing and change doesn't 'need' to happen and isn't going to happen. This is a process of starving your porn wired brain for good so that it can finally rewire to real people. If it thinks 'food' is on the way, at some point, even far in the future, you aren't going to be able to starve it and kill the beast.

You did allow porn back in so you never truly closed that chapter of your life. I would think that if you looked in the mirror, made a 100% commitment to never return to porn, put up a K9 blocker, and totally changed your thinking for good, your brain would have to start searching for new answers: sex with humans!

That's my theory anyway. Any other guys want to chime in? I wish you luck. I know how frustrating this is. We are all here for the same reason. Be strong!



tachieman

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2015, 10:56:24 AM »
Like I said before, I was a heavy porn watcher for 30 years.When I decided to reboot, the first year that I stopped viewing porn I would masturbate from time to time and sneak a peek at pictures but not videos. After one year without results I went 4 solid months without porn or masturbation. I was getting great erections at night during sleep but no morning wood. During the year and 4 months when I had sex with my wife I couldn't get fully erect. I got partially erect that I was able to ejaculate from oral but I was never hard enough to enter her. I really thought that after a year (occasional masturbating and pictures but no videos) and 4 solid months of nothing that I would be cured.
But every time I am with my wife I can't get fully erect. We have been married 30 years and she is very attractive. Could it be that I am just bored with the same women? I often wonder if I was with a new hot chick would the erections be better?

challenged

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2015, 11:47:10 AM »
All I can add to this conversation as a 47 YO who has dealt with this for a long time is that I only turned a corner when I had three things happen (1) elimination of other sexual stimuli (PMO), (2) getting out of my head during sex so I wasn't worried, nervous, or fearful (the hardest part) and (3) complete connection with my wife, so we were the only two people "in the bed and in my head." 

These are some really great keys here.  Just wanted to emphasize them.

We have been married 30 years and she is very attractive. Could it be that I am just bored with the same women? I often wonder if I was with a new hot chick would the erections be better?

My opinion is that it is very unlikely that this is the problem.  If you love your wife and find her attractive, and you stay away from porn, that should eliminate any issues with "boredom."  It is the use of porn that tends to make us bored with our spouse (or deludes us into thinking we are bored), and there are many stories here and on YBOP in which guys report that after completing their reboot they were excited by their wife like they had not been in years.

In addition, if you were really bored with your wife, it would seem that your ED issues would be intermittent.  The fact that they are constant indicates to me that it is something else.

Looking at pictures and M can be just as harmful as looking at videos.  It seems to me that you need to do perhaps try a hard reboot.  And you did not answer regarding whether you have told your wife.  If you have not, perhaps that is part of the reason you are struggling, and perhaps she could help you with your recovery -- in part, by taking away the pressure you now be feeling every time to perform -- with you bearing all the burden of the problem and her not knowing the reason you are struggling.  (It could also encourage your wife to know that it is not her.)  I seem to recall there are some good suggestions on YBOP on how to do a hard reboot with a willing partner.

tachieman

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2015, 12:23:37 PM »
I told my wife about the problem.

tachieman

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2015, 01:06:40 PM »
By the way, What is a "Hard" reboot?

Phase2

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2015, 02:28:20 PM »
Hard Reboot is a significant period of time without porn, masturbation or orgasm. Go here and read all of this stuff. Read it twice! You gotta really understand the science behind it. It will help with commitment. You are on your way man! You're in the right place to learn and make change. Hope it went well with the wife.

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-question



tachieman

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2015, 03:29:57 PM »
Phase2, Thanks for the encouragement! The wife took it better than I thought. I hope I will get there one day.

lte

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #15 on: January 28, 2015, 03:33:38 PM »
I'll add only that the benefits continue to accrue over time. Don't give up. The road to recovery involves no porn, no masturbation. Stay on the road and you will end up better off than you are today.


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Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

ready2go

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2015, 03:44:50 PM »
Here only in my 12th day of no PMO, no M, no O.  So I don't have a ton of experience, although it feels like I've been doing this forever.  My success so far has been by first taking it one day, one hour, one minute if necessary, at a time with just no porn.  That is the commitment I have and what keeps me coming here.  Lots of guys are taking on more with the hard reboot, and though that is what I am actually doing, it is not a commitment on my part not to masturbate or to orgasm.  I think that would be too much all at once for me.  You may be different.  Many of the guys here seem more satisfied making a comprehensive commitment, and I fully support that for them.  The main thing is to be here on RN, the only requirement is no porn.  I think being easy on oneself is key.  We can feel beat up from others, or other places, we shouldn't feel beat up by our own hands and thinking.  Self love is really important.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2015, 08:22:43 PM by ready2go »


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Quercus

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2015, 07:41:09 PM »
Holy crap, I can do the no porn but the  no masturbation is beyond me.  I've hung on for a while now but this is also IMHO a normal part of being human.  We've had hands and penises for a long time plus I think it's healthier for your prostate to have the O rather than not. 

As I described in my first post, my wife went menopausal 11 years ago which meant sexopausal, too.  Ok, not fun but I was committed to her and still am.  10 years sex 3 times but now we're doing HRT and things have changed dramatically.  Anyway, it was worth the wait and I have no performance problems so I think the "no masturbation" rule is not for everyone.  Hope I'm not missing something but perhaps one size doesn't fit all.  BTW, I'm 60 and she's a bit older than me.

tachieman

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #18 on: January 30, 2015, 08:01:00 PM »
So has anyone tried rebooting for a year without positive results?

ready2go

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2015, 08:07:56 PM »
Gabe, in some of his posts, said it took him about 15 months.



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tachieman

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2015, 08:18:41 PM »
This is painful.

lte

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2015, 08:25:56 PM »
This is painful.
It gets easier with time. The first two weeks were the roughest for me.


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Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

tachieman

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #22 on: January 30, 2015, 09:38:53 PM »
Just wondering how long it took if anyone is now recovered?

lte

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #23 on: January 30, 2015, 11:17:56 PM »
Just wondering how long it took if anyone is now recovered?
This problem took years to develop. You'll see benefits within a few weeks, but full recovery is a gradual process.


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2heal

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Re: 54 and Frustrated How long does this recovery take?????
« Reply #24 on: January 30, 2015, 11:21:06 PM »
I feel your pain.  I'm in the same boat.  I think I need to go no M or O and see if I get results.  I've been no PMO for awhile now, and don't see much progress.  I've used porn for many, many years, so it may just take me longer.  I haven't had a problem not PMO'ing, but the no M and O is a real bear. 

I must say I REALLY enjoy getting the firm night erections.  It gives me hope.  Now if I could just get one when I want it...