Author Topic: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)  (Read 5214 times)

readytobefree

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Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« on: January 25, 2015, 08:34:54 PM »
Start of Reboot: April 18, 2015

MY STORY
I just recently turned 29, been masturbating since I was 15, 1-2 times a day. Escalated to weird fetishes and also experienced moderate PIED + DE. I'm not a virgin but mostly the sexual experiences I've had have been unfulfilling thanks to this Porn addiction. The very first time I had sex, I was able to get hard and penetrate the lady but I couldn't finish because of DE. The woman thought it was performance anxiety, so did I. Who knew that it would be PIED sheesh. Repeat that with a few different girls over the course of the next few years. Fast forward to my last relationship and it did improve. I still had mild-moderate PIED + DE but I was able to have sex with my girlfriend but the only problem was, I had to have fantasy keep my erection going and O. Can you believe that? I wasn't thinking about the girl in bed with me during sex, I was thinking about some weird porn fantasy. It's pretty sad, both for me and the girl. I feel terrible about it now.

Bad with Women
I'm a physically attractive man, and have a good body, so I don't really have a problem initially attracting the ladies but I do have social anxiety and depression and it has been a problem for me. I don't have a problem getting the first date but I soon find women being repelled by me because of my insecurities and overly nice guy personality (my internal response to social anxiety). The women I did ended up getting into relationships were fundamentally insecure, low-esteem riddled and clingy, just like me. The attractive confident hotties always seemed to pass me by or would get one whiff of my needy personality and stay 50miles away. The women I really desired wanted nothing to do with me.

No Creativity, no Focus, Severe Brain Fog
For the last 15 years I cannot remember the last really creative thing I've done. Everytime I had to do something creative, it was the worst feeling in the world. It was like wringing blood out of a stone. And get this, I'm a pretty creative guy to begin with. I was always drawing cartoons, writing stories, creating fantasy worlds before I discovered PMO. After that, my creativity just dried up completely and I could barely even think of an original thought. Now that I think about it, that's really depressing. Where did my life go?

Depression
Soul-crushing, heavy depression for the last 15 years. It became even more exacerbated by failed romantic pursuits and I began to gnaw at myself on the inside. Why me? Why is my life so bad? Actually my life really wasn't all that bad. I went to a good college, had good friends, have a good job now, came from a good family.. but MAN, my insides tell a completely different story. I don't even know how I'm able to get up in the morning sometimes.

Social Anxiety
This I can definitely confirm. It's gotten better because the nature of my current job forces me to be more outgoing or extroverted but I can tell you, that it is all an act or performance. I am not INTERNALLY feeling confident or outgoing. I have to put it on. If I see a beautiful woman, you can bet I'll hang my head down and walk right past. If I see a group of beautiful women I will freeze up on the inside. It's hell sometimes.

---------------------

Time for a Change
Enough with the relapses, enough with the weak mental attitude. I'm here to win! I'm here to succeed. I'm going to tackle this addiction by throwing everything except the kitchen sink at it!

  • Exercising 6 days a Week
  • Having a Really Positive Attitude
  • Making Social Interactions meaningful and impactful
  • Eating all 3 meals in a day and never eating junk food
  • Working really hard and trying to focus on getting what I want

Things to be excited about!
  • A renewed FIRE for life again! (I Want to achieve something in this world!)
  • Super Sharp Focus (Completing tasks super efficiently)
  • Socially Extroverted and Fun to Be Around (Building real, meaningful relationships with people)
  • Smooth with the Ladies (I'll have the balls to keep eye contact with a good looking honey)
  • Creativity! (I dream about being a great improviser on Guitar and Piano, learn multiple languages)
  • Simple things will be more pleasing

Milestones
  • 1 Week
  • 2 Weeks
  • 3 Weeks
  • 4 Weeks
  • 1 Month
  • 2 Months
  • 3 Months
  • 4 Months
  • 5 Months
  • 6 Months
  • 7 Months
  • 8 Months
  • 9 Months
  • 10 Months
  • 11 Months
  • 1 Year!
« Last Edit: April 25, 2015, 11:38:30 AM by readytobefree »
Reboot Start: Feb 7, 2017

mybestself

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2015, 12:04:44 AM »
Keep it up readytobefree! You smashed past 15 days in your last run, let's see you smash past the 21 day mark - I'll be rooting for you!

mybestself




MoonWatcher

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2015, 04:19:46 PM »
Welcome back!

Great to see you made it past your personal best and that you're starting strong with this run.  I've been inactive here for a while but I hope things are going well with you :)

adrian

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2015, 11:09:12 AM »
Congrats man! Keep it going and you'll reach your goals in no time! Stay golden man!

Chaos Mind

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2015, 02:03:37 AM »
hey readytobefree,

just wanted to pop in and show you I'm still there for you. Nothing should and will ever keep you away from this forum until you're finally healed! This is the place where no one judges another and everyone expresses his feelings in a way he can't in private.

How long was your last strike? What made you relapse? Share with us and you'll get support :)
~ Subconsciousness is the key to sort the chaos in our mind ~

A collection of techniques to deal with the addiction: read, discuss & add your own ideas

mybestself

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2015, 03:37:34 PM »
hey readytobefree, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Any voice that keeps you away from your journal is not acting in your best interest, I've been there and I know that my life is better (without a doubt) when I'm working on my recovery. Keep coming back!




adrian

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2015, 03:58:15 AM »
Find and engage in new hobbies/activities and be as social as you can to keep you away from PMO-ing... Real life sex is much more better and satisfying than any PMO session, no matter what fetish you crave for :D
Stay strong brother and carry on the good fight! You can do it!

NewAdam

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2015, 05:46:41 AM »
Nice to see you again here. I am starting my reboot process again as well.:)

JeyEss

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2015, 06:34:13 PM »
Hey readytobefree! Welcome to the forums!

I understand your situation. I can definitely relate to you.  Were in this situation mainly because of a problem that has developed because of watching too much porn. I feel like there is alot more of us out there that haven't come to this conclusion.

Just take it one day at a time. Remember, like exercising or change of significant other, its a lifestyle change. Itd be cool to chat if you want to.


LS90

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2015, 05:03:27 AM »
Gonna follow you here as well!Good luck man  ;)

Chaos Mind

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2015, 09:33:48 AM »
Ready to be free.
Going to be free? Yes you are!
~ Subconsciousness is the key to sort the chaos in our mind ~

A collection of techniques to deal with the addiction: read, discuss & add your own ideas

NewAdam

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2015, 02:38:55 AM »
Well come back! And nice to here about your new relationship.

NewAdam

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2015, 11:31:56 AM »
At least for me first 3 days are harder, when everything goes really easy up-till the day 10. After that my libido skyrockets and it becomes really hard.

LS90

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2015, 03:47:22 PM »
I've read somewhere on YBOP that scientifically we have post-O effects for almost a week. Hence why the first week is always the hardest.

NewAdam

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2015, 04:59:44 AM »
Hey man,

how are You? You havn't  posted for a long time, but you are reseting Your counter!
Please write how are you! I think it would be better for You.
It seems for me that you are blaming yourself and you think that everybody will blame you as well. But we are here to support You! Because we care and we ubderstand. We all are in the same shit.
So come back and let us know how is your situation.

readytobefree

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #15 on: April 11, 2015, 06:24:28 AM »
1 Week Complete! 4/25/2015

Yeeeeesh, that took a really long time. After I fell off the wagon, I had multiple streaks of 3-5 days and really struggled to get back to at least a week. Now i've done a solid week of hard mode and am looking forward to getting back to 2 weeks again, and then beating my personal best of 17 days.

I have to thank NoFap War, that has given me great motivation to stay on hard mode without falling off. Knowing that there are other guys out there fighting alongside me is very heartening.

See everyone in 1 more week! Peace!
« Last Edit: April 25, 2015, 11:42:42 AM by readytobefree »
Reboot Start: Feb 7, 2017

readytobefree

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #16 on: April 11, 2015, 06:24:45 AM »
Reserved for 2 Weeks Completion Post
Reboot Start: Feb 7, 2017

readytobefree

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #17 on: April 11, 2015, 06:24:59 AM »
Reserved for 3 Weeks Completion Post
Reboot Start: Feb 7, 2017

readytobefree

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #18 on: April 11, 2015, 06:25:13 AM »
Reserved for 4 Weeks Completion Post
Reboot Start: Feb 7, 2017

readytobefree

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #19 on: April 11, 2015, 06:25:28 AM »
Reserved for 1 Month Completion Post
« Last Edit: April 11, 2015, 08:23:14 AM by readytobefree »
Reboot Start: Feb 7, 2017

mtaha2015

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Re: Back on the Wagon, Ready to Go! (Age 29 Reboot Journal)
« Reply #20 on: April 11, 2015, 11:11:39 AM »
welcome back to reboot.
2 days gone.