Author Topic: My messed up life...  (Read 6980 times)

wizzard90

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My messed up life...
« on: April 10, 2014, 09:07:36 PM »
Hello.  I'm a porn addict.  I'm a sex addict.

I've been using porn for most of my life.  I'm 44 and I started around 10.  Started out like many here by finding my parents' porn.  Between 10 and 16, spent every chance I had sneaking a peek.  My parents figured out more than once what I was doing and had a talk with me, but I continued...just more carefully.  Up until 16, the material was just magazines or books...but one night I heard my parents watching a video.  I was blown away...it didn't even bother me that it was my parents!  I remember faking being sick the next school day and searching throughout the house for that video...when I found it, my heart nearly exploded out of my chest!

That experience was so exhilarating, I actually altered my driver's license to make me 18 so I could rent porn from the local video store.  I rented dozens of videos over the next couple of years.  I tried dating girls, but I never had much luck in high school.  Nobody seemed interested enough to date me...just "friends"...I felt like such a loser.  When I started college at 17, my habit stopped for a while.  The change in scenery and daily routine took my mind off of it.  However, I still had problems getting into and keeping a relationship.

The porn started up again when I saw an ad for a place selling amateur videos.  I then started my own stash of porn...the first stash of dozens over the years.  I would eventually come to realize that it was not a good thing to do and I would get rid of the collection...only to start another weeks or months later.  I would often times drive home each weekend, on the way purchase new material, and spend every moment I could masturbating.

The pain and frustration of only having porn and not the real thing eventually led me to seeing a prostitute.  Yes, I lost my virginity to a $40 street walker.  Even though the experience sickened me, I repeated this over and over again...weekend trips home now became opportunities to cruise for sex.  I have spent thousands of dollars over the years on porn or sex!

The cycles continued for the next couple of years...porn and prostitutes.  After college I got a great job and moved in with my friend's brother who was looking for a roommate.  We lived in a nice area, but it was too close to an area were prostitution and porn was easily had.  The types of porn escalated from "normal" stuff to all kinds of fetishes I never would have thought about.

I was lucky enough to finally meet a great woman.  Looking back, she probably saved my life.  I stopped all of the bad activities and threw out my collection.  I scared myself into getting an HIV test to makes sure I was clean.  When I knew we were getting serious I told her about the prostitutes (not how many though).  She accepted that, but I think at the time she didn't really understand.

We fell in love.  We got married.  We have 2 great kids.  Our sex life was ok at first (more on that later).  I was happy having the real thing...for a while.  Eventually I started trying to get her to try new things.  I thought that was "normal" for couples to do.  She went along with some of it, but I now know she was not comfortable with most of it.  The internet came along around this point and greatly expanded my sexual addiction.  Everything escalated so quickly...no fetish was off limits.  I tried to share what I thought was a "great thing" with my wife.  She was ok at first.  The toys and porn were one thing, but I eventually convinced her to go to a swing club.  I thought it was awesome,  We didn't play with others, but just watching and being watched was an incredible rush.  We went one more time but she finally said she didn't want to go anymore.

One of the things I learned about through the internet was video stores with viewing booths...and these booths had glory holes.  I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't cheating.  I somehow convinced myself it wasn't homosexual..after all a mouth is a mouth. Of course this eventually scared the crap out of me and led to another HIV test to make sure I was clean. 

Yet the cycles still continued...sometimes just as innocent internet viewings and sometimes full weekends of nothing but porn.

My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years now.  We've had many ups and downs.  The downs are the worst days of my life...admitting to her about the men...admitting to her about starting to fall for a co-worker with whom I was getting too close to.  We've been through many counseling sessions.  The first few were around year 5, then year 10.  It helped me stop what I was doing for long stretches...It "got better" for awhile, but eventually I'd be back again on the computer.  During this time, my wife started using anti-anxiety medication.  I'm sure my behavior didn't help, but she said that she'd been battle anxiety for a long time.  The medicine helps, but the downside is that she no longer feels like having sex.

Three years ago I was going through a very difficult time with my Mom.  She's been diabetic for many years and she lost both her legs because of infections.  The stress was enormous...after many years of staying away from other people...I visited a place with glory holes.  I didn't realize it at first, but the guy took me anally and I wasn't wearing protection.  I freaked out and ran out of that place.  I spent the next few days trying to figure out what the chances were for getting an STD...I was so scared!  I got tested yet again.  I had to tell my wife...for probably the 3rd time in our marriage...that I'd been unfaithful.  We came very close to splitting up.

I got more help.  This time the approach was different.  The therapist I saw helped me get in touch with the feelings of all this instead of just talking about why or what of it all.  He helped me understand the feelings so I could recognize them more easily.  And if I can do that, I can stay away from the bad behaviors that I was using to sooth the feelings and instead choose behaviors that are more acceptable.  My wife knows about the addiction now and how long I've struggled.  She doesn't understand it, but she knows.  And I know now that pushing her to do things she wasn't interested in was wrong for me to do.  I thought I was helping, but really I was pushing her farther away.

I had a rough stretch at work last year.  The stress got so bad that I went into a deep depression.  I had to leave work to get help.  I was out on STD for a month while I was trying various medications and therapy to help.  I eventually found the right medicine.  I feel great mentally, but sexually it has been another challenge. 

Now both my wife and I have trouble reaching orgasm.  For her it's a combination of the medication and of not wanting or needing to have sex.  I'm sure the history we've had and my indiscretions doesn't help with that attitude.  For me, sex feels good for a while, but I can't reach orgasm.  Since starting the medication, the only orgasms I've had have been alone and with porn.  Sometimes I even ejaculate before orgasm.

So here I am...on this forum writing about my messed up life.  I'm now in a place were I have to accept that sex sessions with my wife will be few and far between.  When they occur, they most likely will end without either one of us reaching orgasm.  I no longer seek out sex with her because I know she doesn't want to.  I hate thinking that when I try initiating sex that I'm in essence just using her for my pleasure, because I know (she's told me) she doesn't care for sex. 

I came to this website with the hope of kicking the addiction that has been with me for 34 years.  Yet, I struggle so much with knowing that porn is bad but so pleasurable..and possibly the only source of sexual pleasure in my life. 

I miss the high so much.  I've gone stretches of over 2 weeks of abstaining from porn and from masturbating.  Then I binge on and off for a week.  I can't keep doing this.  I owe my wife so much more that this!!!

The funny thing is that I love her more now than ever.  Like I said earlier, she saved my life...probably more than once, especially after reading this over before posting.  I can't imagine my life without her.  I don't want to mess up anymore and lose her forever.

If anyone reads this and can offer any encouragement, please do...I really need it right now.

Thanks, P




fcjl8

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2014, 09:21:50 PM »
Welcome. You are making a bold life change.

I am married 31 years. Since I chose to move away from a very rampant PMO addiction the relationship I share with my wife has flourished. On all levels including our physical intimacy.

Give this time. I know many men that have huge changes in the way they look at and interact with their wives. I think women know that something is wrong with us when we are porn or sexually addicted. That intuition makes their own sexual desire diminish. We then self justify using all the more and the cycle perpetuates.

Stay well and give this a good effort, it is very worthwhile.

wizzard90

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2014, 06:00:54 PM »
@ fcjl8

Thank you.  I'm giving it my best. 

Outside of the bedroom we are both very loving and happy people.  Inside the bedroom, we cuddle and snuggle, but that's it.  She's not interested and I'm too afraid to ask her to have sex.  We talk about a lot of things but never sex.  I think it was a taboo subject in her house growing up.

One day at a time I guess...

Jverhoye

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2014, 08:49:08 PM »
Welcome W90!  There is a lot of wisdom in this Forum.  I would encourage you to read other journals, especially the initial few postings from others.  The fact that you are here says a lot.  Personally, I would encourage you to not get too frustrated with your current sex life with your wife.  You both have so much going on.  Be patient with yourself, which can be difficult.  The more distance you put between PMO sessions the more you give your brain a chance to Reboot.  There is so much research out about the brain and how it can change (for the better), but it needs some breathing room.  The other thing I will say is stay engaged in this process.  We are all here to support one another, but we can't help you and you can't help us if you disappear from the Forum.  So, now that you're here please stick around.  Again, welcome!

wizzard90

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2014, 02:01:46 PM »
@ Jverhoye

Thanks, I'm still here.  :)

It's Sunday and lately Sunday mornings have been my best chance for sex with my wife.  I don't remember the exact date, but I haven't used porn or masturbated for some time...like 3 weeks.  This morning was nice.  My wife helped me feel good, but I couldn't reach orgasm with just her hands and mouth.  I had to pleasure myself to reach orgasm.  It was very powerful.  It was a great feeling, I only wish it happened without me finishing off myself. 

I would say the waiting did help quite a bit.  I'm going to continue to stay off the porn and hope that each session with my wife gets better and better.

Yogi Berra said "hitting was 90% half mental" and I think the same can be said about sex (only with numbers that makes more sense).  I still find myself picturing things I've seen in porn while with my wife.  I also have this background track going on in the back of my head about not wanting to ejaculate in her mouth.  I need to find a way of being more present in the moment.  I may be trying too hard to reach orgasm instead of just enjoying what's happening.

I'll keep poking around this site for help with this.

fcjl8

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2014, 03:25:14 PM »
wizzard90,

Just as you have written there is no hard and fast rule to all this. Just enjoy the intimate time with your wife in whatever form it comes (no pun) . Wiring to our real life partners is where it is at and one of the huge advantages to quitting PMO while in a relationship.

I know it can be difficult "to just relax" but it is a mindset that really helps! Enjoy yourself, help your wife enjoy! Have fun.

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2014, 03:56:45 PM »
@ Jverhoye

Thanks, I'm still here.  :)

It's Sunday and lately Sunday mornings have been my best chance for sex with my wife.  I don't remember the exact date, but I haven't used porn or masturbated for some time...like 3 weeks.  This morning was nice.  My wife helped me feel good, but I couldn't reach orgasm with just her hands and mouth.  I had to pleasure myself to reach orgasm.  It was very powerful.  It was a great feeling, I only wish it happened without me finishing off myself. 

I would say the waiting did help quite a bit.  I'm going to continue to stay off the porn and hope that each session with my wife gets better and better.

Yogi Berra said "hitting was 90% half mental" and I think the same can be said about sex (only with numbers that makes more sense).  I still find myself picturing things I've seen in porn while with my wife.  I also have this background track going on in the back of my head about not wanting to ejaculate in her mouth.  I need to find a way of being more present in the moment.  I may be trying too hard to reach orgasm instead of just enjoying what's happening.

I'll keep poking around this site for help with this.

First, a hail and hearty welcome to the nation. Second, congratulations on deciding to make some changes in your life and relationship. It isn't easy.

It is early in the process, so don't get discouraged. A lot of people here have walked the path and can help through your journal.

Best of luck in your journey.
SORP


Jverhoye

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2014, 08:43:36 PM »
I think you pointed out a big issue for a lot of us.  We are so accustomed to living in a "fantasy world" that being in the "present moment" with a real partner can be difficult.  Stay in the moment for sure!

The Dude Wannabe

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2014, 08:04:28 PM »
W90,
     Welcome to the brotherhood!  1st: it's gonna be OK.  2nd: you can do this. 
I too started early.  I think I watched my 1st porno at a friends house on a microwave channel!  (does that give you an idea of what year/timeframe?)  From then things just got worse.  I also ended up getting my wife into all sorts of things she probably didn't want too.  I thought swinging was a rush! (It was always better with her though.)  Finally she started anti-depressants and sexually dried up.  She doesn't take them anymore, but the sexual appetite hasn't returned for her.  We might have sex 1 or two times a month.  That is what it is.  Nothing I can really do to change it I guess.  One of the things I learned from here is that having sex/making love/etc doesn't have to be about the orgasm.  There is a hell of a lot of fun/good stuff that does happen before that.  The orgasm part is just that; a part.  Not the end all be all of sex.  (One of the guys was pointing this out while exclaiming, "I can't believe I've lived 30 years believing everything I learned about sex from a guy in Middle School!" or something to those effects!) 
     Point is: Don't make sex about cumming.  Make it about the closeness, the feeling, the intimacy.  Shift focus and enjoy the ride!
     Hang on man.  There are many good folks on this forum.  We have a lot to learn from each other, our selves  and our partners.  Remember points #1 and #2....you can do this!

Jverhoye

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2014, 07:05:33 PM »
Hey, W90, how are things going?

wizzard90

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2014, 09:04:48 PM »
Wow...thank you to everyone for the encouragement!

Things are going well.  I've been away for a few days on a college tour trip for our daughter...5 schools in 5 days!

All the driving gave me an opportunity to reflect on some of this stuff.  I found myself looking forward to coming back here and seeing if anyone replied.  You guys are great!

Nothing sexual happened on the trip between me and my wife...and you know, it isn't really bothering me.  I think in the past I always figured something was wrong by this point.  But I know our appetites are different and the fact that nothing happened isn't a reflection that my wife doesn't love me.  (lots on double-negatives, but I think that sounds right :) )

The hotels we stayed in didn't offer any adult movies, so the temptations were not there.  I was actually relieved they didn't offer them.  I think in the past I would have been miffed.

The one thing that did arouse me a bit was all the college girls walking around in yoga pants.  I know I'm human and I'm a male so I shouldn't beat myself up too much, but I feel "bad" after catching myself checking out girls that are just a couple of years older then my daughter.  Especially now that I'm more than twice their age!  It must be creepy for them if they catch someone like me checking them out.  I hate that I do that.

So I haven't used porn or masturbated (alone) for about a month now (I don't know the exact date).  It really helps for me to come to this site as a way of staying away from the porn.  Just coming here reminds me of my mission and keeps me from drifting off to a site for "just a peek".  Thank you so much for this!


Jverhoye

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2014, 09:16:52 PM »
Thanks for the update!  Exciting times for you and your family.  College touring is fun stuff!

The Dude Wannabe

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2014, 08:30:39 PM »
Wizzard,
     I'm about to start on the college visits for my daughter.  I too have trouble with everyone once and awhile looking at a young lady, finding her attractive and then realizing she is only a few years older than my daughter so I quit looking quickly! ???  I've always found the college age women to be highly desirable.  (That was one of my first encounters of porn: girls of the Big 10 in a Playboy back in 1976!)  That is one of the MANY reasons I'm doing this:  I've got to avoid every finding myself fantasizing about one of my daughter's friends.  That would be very bad for me.  Something I want to avoid.  (and with the help of this site and ya'll it is going well thank you!)
  Sounds like you too are doing well.  Hang tough.  Everyday gets a little better!

wizzard90

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2014, 10:49:26 PM »
I felt like I had to masturbate tonight, so I did.  I didn't use porn at all, but I did use a little vibrator to start.    :-[

I hope this is just a minor setback.  My wife's been under the weather since the trip and I felt like I needed the high...I knew we wouldn't be doing anything for a while.  I probably shouldn't try to justify it.  I just have to accept it and move on. :(

iektop

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #14 on: April 20, 2014, 01:50:23 AM »
I felt like I had to masturbate tonight, so I did.  I didn't use porn at all, but I did use a little vibrator to start.    :-[

I hope this is just a minor setback.  My wife's been under the weather since the trip and I felt like I needed the high...I knew we wouldn't be doing anything for a while.  I probably shouldn't try to justify it.  I just have to accept it and move on. :(

My friend,... just relax. I'm not the best guy to give you an advice here (see my counter below) but I do have a feeling like you really want to leave porn and be happy. If you had this 'minor setback' ... well, stop thinking about it. Who cares? You can't change the past. Just realize it happened and that's it. Will this matter a year from now? NO.

All this suffering of yours is coming from your mind. You mentioned that the hotels where you stayed at didn't offer porn; but who cares if they did? Your fighting against this bad habbit is not the result of some random service provided at some hotel. It's all in your head. Don't get bitter over your little failure and don't shoulder it upon someone else. Just start all over again. Also, don't be thinking about this problem at all. Devote yourself to a hobby, to your wife, to your kids, and the problem will fade to background.

Finding girls in their late teens or 20s attractive at your sight is not bad. You are a man, and that's ok. Don't shame yourself. The only recomendation that I personally would give you about your problem is to get rid of all your sexual toys (the little vibrator you mentioned, etc..). What are they good for anyway?

can you remember all the things, all the traits, that your wife found you unique for? All of those things that she fell in love with you for? Start becoming that proud man again. If you can't remember... sit down with your wife alone the two of you and ask her. Ask her to remember the best times when you were starting to know each other, get her to remember those moments. It's ok man.

Start being honest to yourself.

I just started a course on Buddhism and I just wanted to share this thought before I say good-bye: "Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think"

I know you're gonna do well. Good night.

Cosmo

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #15 on: April 20, 2014, 08:59:20 AM »
Welcome W90, Read your first post the other day and wanted to respond right away but life intervened. Anyway, I'm really glad you found your way here because I think you'll find that many of us share your struggles. Our stories may not be exactly the same but everyone here has reached the same conclusion: that PMO and other sexually compulsive behaviors are not the answer to life's problems.

Quote
Nothing sexual happened on the trip between me and my wife...and you know, it isn't really bothering me.  I think in the past I always figured something was wrong by this point.  But I know our appetites are different and the fact that nothing happened isn't a reflection that my wife doesn't love me.  (lots on double-negatives, but I think that sounds right  )
This is something I've struggled with personally but I am slowly coming to terms with it. My wife and I are busy living our lives, and all too often these days the daily grind of work and the energy required to attend to the needs of our daughter is taking a toll on our sex lives. Although it does bother me sometimes that we're allowing that to happen, I take comfort in the fact that my wife does love me and I also know that fantasizing about having the perfect sex life will not make it so. It's precisely this wanting, this insatiable need for something to be different, better, more exciting, that I'm trying to avoid because it really doesn't help things. Just like with PMO, the ideas I have in my head about what the perfect sex life would be and the reality of what it is (or isn't) are two different things and the two will never match up. Better to accept that things will never be "perfect," I suppose, than to always live life feeling less than satisfied. That's the way I see it anyway. From your description, it sounds like you are also coming to terms with this realization, too, and I think that's healthy.

Quote
The one thing that did arouse me a bit was all the college girls walking around in yoga pants.  I know I'm human and I'm a male so I shouldn't beat myself up too much, but I feel "bad" after catching myself checking out girls that are just a couple of years older then my daughter.  Especially now that I'm more than twice their age!  It must be creepy for them if they catch someone like me checking them out.  I hate that I do that.
I'm also struggling with this problem, although I don't have the added pressure of having a college-aged daughter. I agree that you shouldn't beat yourself up about this too much, but if looking at other women is a trigger for you, then you should treat it with appropriate care. That's just my take on things, for what it's worth. I'm still working on how to keep my thoughts and overactive eyes in check when I'm out in public, so I'm not an expert in this arena by any means.

Hang in there, W90. You have made an important first step by coming here and facing up to your problems. Just keep telling yourself that this is a fight worth fighting and don't let minor setbacks derail you.

CyrusG

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #16 on: April 20, 2014, 11:31:57 AM »
Hey Wizzard90,

I am new here also and have start road to recovery. I never realized that there were so many men out there that felt the way I did. I believed as men we were always taught to be tough emotionally and not to express our inner feelings. Just feels good to know that you are not alone and that people here really do genuinely care if you are willing to put in the effort.
I'm not going to lie either and say I will not miss the "High" but not at the expense of enjoying the real "high" with my woman. I've longed for that feeling for so many years. I'm so amazed how much (p) can drain the life out of you in so many ways. It's just one less thing I want to carry guilt around. I will happy to get back to the point when I can see a woman just as she is and not wanting to F*** every piece of ass I see. We can admire beauty but as with anything approach with respect. Good luck to you my friend on your journey as well.

Viper

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #17 on: April 20, 2014, 06:25:06 PM »
Other than my sincere greeting, not a whole lot I can add that some of the others haven't touched on. As you can see, you're already getting entries from other married parents on here.
 

I will say that I'm also trying to get past gazing at women's body parts. When it comes to their ass, I find
that looking at their hair and focusing on that keeps me from wandering below the waist. I know it sounds
mechanical but if you do it all the time, it will become second nature and ass gazing will not be your first
impulse.

wizzard90

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #18 on: May 03, 2014, 09:55:14 AM »
Thanks everyone.

I've been away from here for a while because I don't think I can do this.  :'(  The only physical pleasure I get is with myself.  My wife and I just go through the motions.  We're at to different ends of the spectrum...she doesn't care about sex...doesn't want to discuss it...can't tell me what she likes and doesn't like.  It's not just that porn is easier...it's that it's my only choice.  I can't go outside of the marriage...that I will NEVER do again.

I know I've been at this point before many times and I've also felt better and worse.  I just want to find a place where I'm happy and guilt free and a place that my wife is the same.  In 16 months or so, we'll be empty nester's.  I'm hoping that being alone in the house will help my wife relax...I don't know.  :-\

Wanttobebetter

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #19 on: May 03, 2014, 10:49:24 AM »
I've been here just three days but I've been a lifelong recovering addict to other things. Don't leave here. I know just by how it is set up and the people on board that you will find help here. Your condition is tough, but you are here. That is key. You care enough and want to find a better life. I think the key is to get on board RebootNation and share and share and share. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed. Everybody on here is just like you and has been through the same problems. YOU NEED TO TALK YOUR WAY THROUGH IT. Talking plus your desire to get better will save you. As another group once said, "it doesn't work if you don't work the program." The key here? Everybody here knows what you're going thru. Let them encourage and support you. You'll get there! You're an addict guy, stay here and save your life and your marriage.

Grappler88

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #20 on: May 03, 2014, 10:50:31 AM »
wizzard90..How are you my brother? I got reading your journal and wanted to ask you a couple of questions and comment on some of your excerpts.Regarding your early involvement in looking at porn..do you think that you where subconsciously devastated by the fact that your parents had porn in the house? What I mean is,do kind of feel like your mother was your "mom" and that father was your "dad",and that they being the core of who you become in life was so what traumatized with knowing they where sexualized through viewing porn and actually having it.I mean,your mom is suppose to be the woman who protects you and keeps you away from that until your old enough to develop a healthy relationship with sex,and your dad is the patriarch who is suppose respect your mother as your mother in front of you,and whatever they do behind close doors should be not scene or heard.I'm sensing ( because I had a very similar upbringing to yours) that alot of this is that feeling of sexual betrayal by your parents.Forgive me if I am wrong,but your life story sounds mirror of mine.

Second,why do you seek out men for sexual gradification? AQre you closeted homosexual or bisexual,or is it that porn has taken over your life so much that you crave constant dopamine,self soothing hits? Why  I am saying that is that I watched alot of porn and intially I got turned on and MO'd to straight porn.Now I have been scared to death that my porn tastes have changed.I have pretty much found very little interest in straight porn and started going over to gyno sites,then I got a glimpse when I was googling porn and saw this guy laying on the couch getting a bj from another guy and it started to draw me into.Now,I am riddled with contant thoughts and scenarios of why I might be gay or at the very least bi sexual.For me,it is a daily painful process,that is impacting me to not touch my wife or question my sexuality.I will say,I stopped having sex at the age of 19 because of bad break up with a girl who I had sex with thousands of times,and stayed out of realtionships for almost 13 years  before I met my wife. To say the least our sex life has been shitty for the last 3 years ( since we have been together for 13 years we have had sex 100 times at best).Now,I feel terrible and and feel like I am never going to get it up with her.I have desensitized the feeling of real sex with the feeling of my hand.On top of it, these homosexual spikes hit me out of nowhere.Any advice to how you've dealt with it?

wizzard90

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Re: My messed up life...
« Reply #21 on: May 04, 2014, 12:15:35 PM »
@ Grappler88

I'm not sure what your point is in regard to the questions about my parents.  I don't feel betrayed by them in any way that I can tell.  Maybe there are aspects to this that I haven't discovered yet, but I think my attachment to porn became its most deepest later in life when my struggles with finding a companion becomes soothed with porn.

For the questions about men, I never considered myself bi or homosexual.  It started when my internet porn use started...before that I had never owned or been interested in anything from that genre.  The internet made it very easy to explore different genres that were too taboo to do at the video store or that were just not available there.  My "repertoire" expanded considerably with the internet, including bestiality, younger girls, and yes...transsexual, homosexual or bisexual porn.  When it got to the point of wanting to participate in things I've been seeing, it was much easier to act out the fantasies around men than it was for the others types of porn...all it took was a visit to the video booths, which I had never even heard of before the internet.  Except for the money put into the video arcade machine, it was all free.  I thought at the time it was better than the prostitutes and massage parlors because it was cheaper.

There's some good information on this here: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual