Tostadora: 4 years working on it

Hi!

I've my own journal that I keep in my native language, but I felt it'd be good also to have a log here where I can share my experiences.

First, a little story. I discovered I was a dopamine addict when I crossed an article by Marnia Robinson in a RSS feed I used to read. I identified myself in the description of an addicted person. Since then, I've tried several things: 12 step, Candeo, willpower, therapy, ...

But now something has changed. Two things have changed:

- First, I've started to have actual sex with women. I was a virgin until this year. And to my amazement, I couldn't ejaculate, felt almost nothing and even had problems getting it up!! Of course I have read about PIED before, I've been in "this bussiness" for a long time, but that it could happen to me was unthinkable. I was much more worried about finishing too fast that anything.

- Second, I discovered this fantastic post by William (and others that contribute) and made me realize that I was trying to work out peripherical things in order to not tackle the addiction and porn directly. I was bargaining with porn. I didn't want it out of my life badly enough. If you had asked me, I would've told you that I did want it out badly, but it'd be false.

After reading that post and having actual problems in my relationship with women, I think I want it out badly enough to be able to reboot my brain and have a balanced reward system. I hope so. Right now I'm 21 days clean and counting. Almost 25% of the way to 90 days which I believe would be the most difficult part.

Take care and good luck

yesterdasy was a good day. Felt anxious by the morning, but went climbing in the evening and it felt GREAT! Then I meet up with my GF and we were talking about my new radical approach to rebooting and giving up porn. She felt great about my resolve, but was skeptic about my tools and if I'm going to implement them. She told me that if I relapse she'd cut my balls off. I didn't like that remark and made me feel pressured.

Also, I was working creating my support tools. This is what I did:

- installed UBhind in my phone and configured it so I can't use a web browser from 14:00 to 09:00 of the next day.
- installed OpenDNS and downloaded a filter to install today in my  computer.
- Created a script for me to read every day that I carry in my pocket, containing things that I want to say to myself when I'm in crisis. I plan on practicing this script every day.
- Told my GF that I could call her if I'm in crisis and maybe go to her place just to be with her.
- Wrote an email to my parents saying that if I'm in crisis I could call them and all I want from them is to listen to me say that I can't do it alone.
- I did this also with a couple of other friends.

So that's it. I also made a list of possible good outlets in case I'm suffering really bad withdrawals. This is it:

- Watch the Gary Wilson video.
- Go to the gym (if it's open)
- Enter and write in this forum
- Call a friend or my parents for help
- Call my GF for help and maybe go see her
- Meet up with a friend
- Read my "reminders" (these are "emails" I send me reminding me of my goals and motivations and what's is really happening in my brain)

I don't know if these are going to work. Any advice or suggestions are more than appreciated.

CrazyGopher said:

Greetings tostadora,

Wanting porn out of your life badly does seem to be a prerequisite for success. So i think it is wonderful that you have found this motivation in yourself. I am wishing you much success as you continue on your journey.

P.S. 22 days now! nice work! ;D

Click to expand...

Thanks CrazyGopher. I do think I want it badly out, because of my GF, and the ED issues I had (that lasted two weeks of no dopamine hyperstimulation) and DE (currently suffering this one) So that's my main motivation.

January 14th:

Yesterday was a difficult day. I wake up feeling really nervous and wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone until I went to visit a recovery clinic.

I went there because I'm recruiting all the help I can get to pass the withdrawals successfully. So I wanted a clinic where I have to go several days a week to get therapy and chat, and to have a 24x7 phone number where I can call. The interview was great and I felt great afterwards, like it was something helping my recovery.

I went shooping for some things and then I had a couple of friends over to watch a movie. In the end of the day, I was feeling happy and energetic. What a difference a couple of good moves can make in a day.

Also, I have stopped drinking alcohol and caffeine. So no coffee, tea or coke. I've been doing this for some days and I hope it'll help me make good decisions.

Still strong, but I haven't been feeling too much of withdrawals symptoms, so the worst is yet to come. I have a thing bothering me that happen with my gf.

Friday night, I went to her place to have dinner and maybe stay over. I didn't want to talk about porn or addictions, because we spent our last date talking exclusively about that, and I didn't feel like letting the relationship switch into "therapy" We have dinner and so far so good: we were laughing, chatting esaily, etc. But after dinner, she asked me to have a sit in front of her and said that she had questions. She wanted to know the story of my addiction and if it's only porn or also masturbation.

The question about masturbation really put me off, and I stopped talking for like a minute. She reacted, saying that she didn't want to talk if I were to be in a ?passive-aggresive? actitude. Because she was worried, I did an effort and asked her questions in a good mood.

The key point was when she asked me if I thought about porn during sex with her. The thing is she read on the internet that for some addicts that is the only way of getting it up. Because I suffered from ED in our first sexual encounters, and I've fully recovered my erections in this three weeks, she was suspicious that I was running something behind the curtains. I assured her of the truth: that I was getting aroused only with her presence and I didn't think about anything else, but I could see in her face that she didn't fully believe me. I asked her if that was the case and she nodded, half acknowledging the case.

Anyway, saturday morning she was tired because she couldn't sleep well, and I felt sad because I thought she wasn't sleeping well because of my addiction and the implications that it has for her. I met her again at the evening and she was feeling better. After grabbing some dinner, she was feeling more enthusiast and even started to make sexual remarks that I understood as she wanted to have sex. She complimented my body and wanted me to kiss her and caress her instead of talking. So we went to my place and in the sofa I thought like making a move, but SUDDENLY she changed her whole actitude and I felt something was wrong. I asked if she was feeling ?off? still, and she nodded.

The contrast between her actitude in that moment (total NO sex) and just half an hour before (passionately kissing in a public place, touching, etc.) was a shocker to me, and it ocurred to me that she was thinking, as I approached her, about WHAT I was thinking. I can imagine she thinking that I was thinking about porn in order to have sex with her and her disgust at the very thought of it.

That's the only explanation I have for this incident. Anyway, that was bothering me this morning, so I figured out that it's better to have here in the open in my log.

I don't know if I'll ask her later or not. Part of me wants to, but on the other hand, I', somewhat scared.

Anyway, next week I'm going to start some serious (everyday) recovery program and, as she can come too, I hope that, after she gets informed from a more impartial source, this incidents will disappear in the future.

Yesterday I was blaming her and a bit angry at her, but today I feel that I've nothing to complain about. I've put her in a difficult position and it's my work to gain her trust and do the recovery work and prove to her and to myself that I can be free and that I don't need a P/dopamine fix to live.

January 19 & 20:

This two days have been a rollercoaster. Yesterday was my gf's birthday so we went out of town in a little trip and had lots of fun. Then we went to her house and I had amazing sex with her. All that I thought sex was, this was much better. I still didn't orgasm, but it felt really near and pleasurable all the way. I was happy as she was, because that's indicative that the reboot is working.

But today has been the exact opposite. We'd planned to have sex again, but my GF got diagnosticated with cancer today. She wasn't expecting the result to be positive and it has been a real hit for both of us. I'm still in shock and I hope this doesn't lead me into a relapse. I feel that I'd need a lot of energy to support her and I don't know if I have all that energy.

Anyway, maybe it'll be for the better.

January 21st:

didn't sleep well. It was a rollercoaster of a day and I felt pretty anxious the whole time, almost unable to talk to people. I was really worried about the diagnosis of my gf.

Anyway, I started today in a recovery clinic. I've to go five days a week, so it'll be time and money consuming, but hopefully worth it. I hope it's the push that I need to leave this addiction behind. Today in the clinic I was talking about my firsts exposures to sexuality and pornography.

January 22nd:

It has been a miserable day so far. Feeling really tired and without motivation. I don't want to joke or have any conversation. I don't know if it's that I'm sleepy (which I am), that I'm worried about my gf (which I am) or withdrawal symptoms.

I was looking at all girls in the street and I know this s a trigger for me, so the "cravings wave" is starting to grow.

Anyway, later I'll got the clinic for my first group therapy session. I'll post later in the evening.

Hey tostadora,

Head up.

You're not alone.

Don't let yourself think that a little P or M will help. It will not. Stay away.

It will be painful and you might be up to some difficult time now ahead of you. But strive. Fight.

It seems Life has put a few obstacles and challenges in front of you now. I honestly must say these are not the easiest ones. The news about your gf's diagnosis is a difficult thing. But it's granted she needs your support now really much. Your attitude towards each other in this moment might as well shape your relationship forever.

I know this might sound brutal or inappropriate - but you know well that is not my intention - but in a way you are given a chance.

All I can tell you is any events in the withdrawal phase are difficult. It's just the way it's meant to be. Withdrawal makes everything a challenge and for a certain reason meaningful things start happening when we reboot. I had a very rough time in withdrawals (maybe a few of them, because I think I can count a few) - problems with my job, graduating, serious relationship issues with my gf (who is now my wife)... It felt as if everything mounted at once. One of the most important lessons I carried out of therapy - in that time and afterwards - was to name your emotions and reinforce yourself in being entitled to them.

So you are entitled to be frustrated, scared and powerless now. Because what has been brought in front of you are things over which you have little influence. Look for spaces in between there, where you can empower yourself eg. by becoming even closer with your gf. Show her the love you have towards her.

I am keeping fingers crossed for your girlfriend, I hope she gets better. And the same for you - I think you are bound to succeed in this, just do not forget to have love and compassion also for yourself.

jkkk - thanks a lot for your post. It not only contains several things that really ring true, but it's also good to be read and understood. Yes, you're very right that I'm entitled to my emotions. It's something that I find sometimes difficult to accept. The thing is that, if I'm feeling alone or desperate today, I don't want to put that weight on my girlfriend's shoulders, because she is going through a lot right now. So what I want is to help her carry her load, and maybe it'll bring us closer.

January 23th:

Went to the doctor with my gf, but no news. My gf asked for help during the weekend, saying that she would like to see me more, and I said that I had time for her. That made me happy, because I like being useful and sometimes I doubt if my gf wants me around.

January 24th:

Spend all the day with my gf. We had a very good time and I was really happy this day. We had sex and I managed to reach orgasm, do bye bye DE. If you ask me, I reached orgasm too quick (ups!), but that's no wonder after 32 days. I hope the effect of orgasm doesn't derail my reboot.

January 25th:

Been feeling nervous and disconnected again. My mind was racing with thoughts of not being wanted and not belonging. Went to see my gf by the afternoon, but I wasn't feeling good and neither did she, so it was a difficult moment, but after going out, thinks picked up and we left in good spirits. It's really strange that I feel that my gf doesn't want me around sometimes. It's true that we've been going out for only two months, but this insecurities are the effect of the addiction, I guess. I don't trust myself to be lovable.

You are totally lovable, man. One can say so even after reading of your journal.

Remember to take one day at a time. Maybe in those moments where you feel nervous and disconnected, you are in fact expecting a bit too much of yourself at this point -> it's an addict thing, too. Give yourself time. Give it to others.

jkkk - thanks, man. You're right that I've to experience less of myself and more of others. That's some things to think about.

January 26th:

Felt anxious almost all the morning. Took a pill to calm me down after talking to my mother. Did some exercise which is great.

January 27th:

I went to the doctor twice with my gf, and then met her to see a magic show. It was great and she was thrilled by it, so I was happy seeing that she could get her mind far from her condition. Anyway, I felt less anxious and manage to repel two absurd thoughts about being enough for her. When we were saying goodbye, I told her to dream something beautiful. She told me "like the magician" and "would that upset you?" in a playful manner, but I wasn't feeling playful at all and told her "if that helps you rest, it's fine for me"

Maybe I could've said something different and played along, but my mind is not resting properly. I feel like half of my brain is awake and the other half is sleep, or focused in something that is making me feel anxious. And that is stopping me from concentrating, and takes out my wit. I hope this doesn't last too long.

It looks a lot like you are experiencing withdrawal.

The lack of freshness in mind and so on - that is a withdrawal thing. I also think that it's perfectly OK that you're not Mr. Perfect and not always have the most wondrous playful answer for your girlfriend.

The withdrawal may last a while. Have you read about withdrawals on YBOP? Here it is:

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-does-withdrawal-from-porn-look-like

EVERYTHING you're going through is pretty standard stuff, so please do not worry that you do not feel at your best.

jkkk- Yes, my therapist agrees with you and thinks that I'm experiencing a brain fog due to rebalancing dopamine receptors in the brain. Is quite unpleasant, but at least I can sleep and don't shake as others do

I'm worried that the symptoms would escalate and that I wouldn't be able to manage them and relapse. I'm a bit afraid.

January 28th:

Difficult day. All my body was hurting, and my throat was inflamated. I felt weak and had a terrible headache. Going climbing was great to combat the symptoms. My gf was really sad and then she sent me an email saying thanks for being there for her. It was one of the most beautiful mails I've ever received.I spent half an hour typing a reply.

This last days I've been at home with the flu, so it has been a really boring day. No cravings whatsoever. Today I'm also at home. I'm getting bored of it and want so badly to get better and out.

February 3rd

So I was planning to have a little trip with my gf for the weekend, so she can take the surgery off her mind. She loved the plan and was really looking forward to it. But today, her surgeon has told her that if I'm with the flu, she'd be better without meeting with me until monday (surgery time) She stills want to go on the trip, with lots of precautions so I don't infect her, but I'm not sure about it so this has been buggering me all night long.

I don't want to infect her, that could be a disaster and could hurt her, but I don't want to call it off either and leave her alone for the second straight weekend for some stupid flu, and with her mind racing about the surgery and I unable to confort her. So either way, I lose.

In the first, she risks a lot, and I'm not sure if she is making the right call and if it's in my hand to contradict her. I'm thinking about her getting the flu and coughing with a fresh cut in the neck. That's not good for making a small scar.

In the second, I hurt her for sure, but risks are then out of the table.

So the thing is: hurt her for sure or risk it? and there's a more important question: do I have the right to decide for her? I'm not sure about that.

Anyway, I'm lost in this, so I'll figure I'll write it down.

Tostadora, man you have been making so much great progress, despite some tough challenges.  Congratulations.

If it's the same flu going around here, it is nasty and can be dangerous.  Your gf definitely would not want to catch this especially just before surgery.  You'll know what to do.  Your reasoning has been excellent.

I'm rooting for as we all are.  Keep going!  You're doing great.

ready2go- thanks man

February 4th:

So I decided to let my gf decide what to do, because I can't impose her and she knows the risks involved. She decided to go on the trip, but to refrain from kissing and that kind of contact. It'll be tough but I'm willing to do it because what I want is for her to relax before surgery. Anyway, it was a strange day. My gf went to the doctor by the morning, but I didn't how it went until very late so I suppose she was busy.

I went to visit another doctor, who recommended to me some other medicines, so I had to choose between the two of them. It was not easy but in the end I went with the second's.

I felt some urges also. I was fantasizing for a bit about having sex with the cleaning girl that comes to my aparment thursdays, but I identified the thought as dopamine inducing and managed to get away fast. I also had fantasies about having sex with my gf, which I know is not going to happen. it has been two weeks without sex (hell, without a kiss) and is going to be even harder, because after surgery nobody's going to be on the mood for a while. So I have to be prepared.

You guys sure are having the kitchen sink thrown at you.  What a tough go man.  A few thoughts: 

If you are serious about your gf, and even if you're not, in the long term, the help and support you show for her now will be something she remembers the rest of her life.  This is a really great time for you, though the stress of going through cancer with a loved one can seem unbearable.  Don't go it alone.  Aside from coming here frequently, find cancer support in the area where you live.  It sounds like you're not here in the states, which could be to your benefit.

Don't let the stress take you back to porn, under any circumstance.  The other fantasies that may pop up are nothing compared to porn.  Whereas they are less desirable than not having them at all or fighting them off, you might think of them as part of a step down process especially while you are going through this together.  We're here to help with that.  Cold showers do work.  If you get a porn urge, jump in the cold shower right quick.  It will really help.  Do push ups.  Walk outside.  Read a book about dogs. 

Be supportive of your gf but don't forget to care for yourself.  Self care is most important.  Like they say on the airplanes, put on your own oxygen mask first, then help others.  If you're not here or are disabled, you can't help someone else.

This sounds like preaching.  I just want you to know how much we are here for you and no one is perfect.  Be gentle with youself.