Author Topic: KidQuick's Journal (46 year old married male)  (Read 16392 times)

KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #25 on: January 24, 2015, 12:44:10 PM »


Day 26! Only five more days to go until I start on Day 31! (I'm counting today, since I am still working on it.)

Different day, still the same. I would say I am surprised, but I am not.

I'm alone in the house today. My wife is out of town with her dad, so it's just me. Normally, I would wake up and start wanking, but today, eh, not really interested. I guess the stronger urges in the morning have waned, at least for a day.

I did watch a horror movie on Netflix this morning. I won't mention which one. It's not worth recommending. I know those kinds of films usually have pretty ladies and gratuitous nudity. I knew it was a risk, but I thought I could handle it. And I did. There was one brief scene, and quite frankly, it didn't do anything for me.

In some ways, that's great, right? I guess it's part of the porn purge process to not be stirred by that sort of thing.

In some ways though, it's really disappointing. It's really more emasculating than anything else. I mean, here I was looking at a stunning woman in all her two dimensional tv screen glory (well, not all her glory, maybe 1/3 of it due to some clever camera positioning), and I felt absolutely nothing. I didn't even think about it later. Nothing.

To that, I say Sigh. What else can I say? That and I am so looking forward to the end of this when I can re-emasculate myself.

For those CPAPers out there, I did a little research on the internet and found out results will vary. Some people experience changes in a day, some in a week, some in a month. Much like porn abstinence, I guess. Why, oh why, do we as human beings have to be so different? 

Darmabum, I had that trouble too the first couple nights. I took some melatonin to help keep me asleep. It does get better though. You just have to acclimatize yourself to wearing it, which I know is easier said than done.

Thanks, ianmac. I sure hope so, and I'm not sure what I am writing that is encouraging, but I'm glad it is to someone. Personally, I feel like I am more venting than anything else.

Ready2go, Welcome, welcome, welcome. Congratulations on finding us and throwing down wiener-shaped gauntlet. There are good people here. And one thing that has resonated with me more and more through this is that I am not alone. I am not the only one experiencing these issues, and I am not even the only one experiencing them in the way that I am. I hope you stick around.



Phase2

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 669
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #26 on: January 24, 2015, 05:00:43 PM »
Kid, sounds like you are just in the Flatline part. Enjoy it! It makes abstaining easier and it means your brain is working to change. Mine lasted a full 40 days, then I had a really horny day and then back to flatline today. So at least I know it can come back...and today I'm happy to be flatlining cuz being horny is tough! Hang in there.



ianmac

  • Guest
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #27 on: January 24, 2015, 09:43:47 PM »
Kid,

Just seeing you keeping on for 26 days is encouraging.  Your life is improving.  That's encouraging.  If you can do it, we can do it.  Rambling is fine.  Keep it coming.

Ian

Poker

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 383
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #28 on: January 25, 2015, 04:28:54 AM »
Great job my friend... 

KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #29 on: January 25, 2015, 08:19:54 AM »


Day 27.

Still stuck in the flatline period, so not much as happened down where I wish it would.

Yesterday, I got really depressed. I've read in the journals about people going through various mood swings. It may have been related to the mental changes of my reprogramming my mind, but maybe not. Although, mentally, it seems like everything is revolving around this process, the reality is that my life is not.

I woke up this morning thinking about it. I think what happened is that I started getting afraid my marriage is turning into somewhat of a roommate type situation. It may be denial, but I don't think she'll leave me. She keeps telling me she won't. We actually tried that before, and it only lasted about two months. (She wanted a divorce, because of my PMO issues. It almost killed me, but I couldn't blame her at all.) I don't want to be roommates with my wife. I love her too much to want to that. Not to mention I don't think either of us would really be happy.

i think part of the problem is that we haven't really talked about this beyond the two times I mentioned. I'm going to try to talk to her about it today. If nothing else, I'll let her know how far I have gotten and that I am still trying.

I think maybe I have been so focused on me and trying to get through this that I haven't really been taking into account what she is going through. She is a very sexual woman. It isn't fair of me to ask her to abstain simply because I have. (She told me she had been masturbating, but, I know for her, that really isn't enough.)  I think in my mind, I have been telling myself to just get through two months, two months and everything will be okay. Everything will work and everything will be okay. The sad thing is, from what I read in some of these journals, that might not be the case. It might take longer.

I think that was part of what hit me about the CPAP machine earlier. Here I am, desperately thinking that in two months everything will be hunky dory and low and behold, there was another issue I wasn't even aware of that would have stalled the process.

I have to admit I am concerned this might not work. I've read the success stories. Most of them seemed to have had more of an effect by this time. By this time, I am not saying 26 days. That's just when I started the counter because that was the last time I masturbated. Before that, I have actually been working at this for two other months, so we're actually talking about roughly 86 days (with two lapses) and I am still fucking flatlined. Maybe I am wrong, but I am guessing those two lapses didn't really put be back to day one each time. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they did.

Which always brings me back to that older question - Am I broken beyond repair? And now, I might add, Is there something else messing me up that I am not even aware of?

Yesterday was not a good day for me emotionally.



KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #30 on: January 25, 2015, 09:05:26 AM »


Just one small addition to this morning's post....

Today will be different.



hellexfire

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 47
  • Personal Text
    "Fuck the Zero" -Doug Stamper x
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #31 on: January 25, 2015, 08:51:23 PM »
you can do it, you are doing it, keep doing it- Using is NOT an option x

Poker

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 383
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #32 on: January 25, 2015, 10:58:08 PM »
One day at a time.   In the long run, you're putting in this effort to make you a better person.  You are on the right path.

Cheers,

p.

KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #33 on: January 28, 2015, 07:15:00 PM »


Day 30! Yeah! Day 30! And still going strong.

Day 27 was better than the day before. I talked a little to my wife. She had been missing me too while she was with her father. All my fears were just in my head. I had oral sex with her, me with her, not her with me. I didn't get aroused, which isn't that surprising. I am still stuck in the flatline phase. What was surprising was that it didn't really bother me this time. I was a little worried she might try to go down on me, like she usually does, but she didn't. This was just my moment to pleasure her. It felt really really good.

Day 28 I had somewhat of an epiphany. I decided I'm thinking about the process too much, looking for signs of some sort of change, no matter how small. I decided to stop it. I decided to just trust the process, let it happen and enjoy it when it is over. It isn't over yet. I'm still flatlining, but i'm still not giving in. I'm also not worrying or stressing over it now.

Phase2, I appreciate the comment about the forty days. I really do. It helped remind me that I am not alone. It's easy to do that, eventhough I was reading the journals daily for inspiration.

Anyway, onto Day 31. See you there.



Phase2

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 669
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #34 on: January 28, 2015, 08:41:26 PM »
Hell yeah. Congrats on Day 30. Four weeks, baby!! Keep it going....!



ready2go

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
  • Personal Text
    Former PMOer since 2015
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #35 on: January 28, 2015, 08:42:29 PM »
Awesome, KidQuick.  Keep going man.  What an inspiration!


u=496865

hellexfire

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 47
  • Personal Text
    "Fuck the Zero" -Doug Stamper x
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #36 on: January 30, 2015, 12:03:35 AM »
*waves a sign made from cheap poster board and old spray paint found in Dad's barn*

TEAM MOTHER FUCKING KIDQUICK x

Eminem

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 51
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #37 on: January 30, 2015, 03:25:25 PM »
Congrats on 31 days!  That's amazing!  I haven't made it that far yet, but your story is encouraging to me.  I'm 15 years old and addicted to PMO so If it helps knowing there are guys all ages going through the same thing as you then good.  if you get any urges try doing some breathing excersizes,  just close your eyes and breath in through your nose slowly, and out of your mouth very slowly, do this for about 5 minutes a day.  As your relaxed and breathing try to just push the urge from your head. 
Good luck man!
My daily posts- http://goo.gl/cknij4

-EMINEM

KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #38 on: January 31, 2015, 09:02:39 PM »


33 Days.

Just a quick update. There's not much to report. The same old flatline.

Ever since my epiphany a few days ago, it doesn't seem to bother me much. I just not obsessing over some sign of progress. That helps alot. I'm just working my way to the next day. My current target is 45 days. I can do it. I will do it and more.

It does give me a really good feeling to have beaten my last record. I look at that number and it makes me want to persevere and keep going until I finally get through this shit to the land of porn-free erections.

Onward I go to tomorrow.



ianmac

  • Guest
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #39 on: January 31, 2015, 10:12:09 PM »
You're doing it, KidQuick.  I see you've set your counter goal to 90.  Good job!  I can tell you really care about your wife.  It's bona fide motivation.  Do it for her.  Do it to become a better you.  It will be worth it.

Ian

KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #40 on: February 02, 2015, 07:13:39 PM »

Day 35 and counting!

Still flatlining, but I woke up this morning with an erection. My first morning wood in years. It wasn't rock hard but it was erectile. I think that's progress.

I also had a strange dream that made me feel like I am making progress too. It started with me following someone who was pretending to be Ricky Bobby in a new Talladega Nights movie. It wasn't Will Ferrell, but someone else playing that part. (I'm not sure what the relevance was in that, but it was how the dream started. Maybe him overcoming his fears to race again? Maybe?) So I followed this new Ricky Bobby (who wasn't as good as Ferrell, by the way) into this large shotgun shack looking building. It was the kind of thing you would see in a movie set in the impoverished South, but larger. (I am interpreting that to mean my pornful urges are starving themselves down to impoverishment.) Inside was a strip club. The strip club was closing down for the night, so the dancers all had on those really short silk looking robes. Most of the dancers were gone for the night, but I saw one across the room open her robe up for a patron and she was stunning. I went to go see if I could get a dance from her but she disappeared. The only girl left was a teenage girl. She was a dancer. She had the silky robe on. So I approached her with a wad of bills. But I asked her how old she was. She never gave me a straight answer and she really looked too young, at least for me, maybe seventeen or eighteen. Just too young for me. So I said, "Eh," shrugged my shoulders and walked away. (I am interpreting that to mean that I am no longer interested in the young beautiful women that usually occupied the porn I watched, though I rarely skewed that young.) I left the strip club at that point to go find the Ricky Bobby guy and found myself standing in a street filled with writhing snakes. They weren't angry. They were just slithering all over the place. I wasn't afraid, which normally I am terrified of snakes. I heard one attack another to my side and behind me where I couldn't see and then it jumped in the air and bit me on my neck about where my jugular is. (Aside from the potential Freudian interpretation of this part, I read a little on the internet and found out that there are many many interpretations of snakes in dreams. When they bite you, they could be injecting you with medicine or help to get you through a big battle coming up. I like that, so I am sticking with it.) So I would like to think my dream means I am starting to overcome this addiction, but it's not over yet, and I am just preparing myself for the big battle ahead. And to that I say, bring it on. Bring it on.

Sure this may be delusion. I accept that. But you know what, delusion got me into this mess, the delusion that porn wasn't hurting me and people I love. Why not fight back with a different delusion? Fire with fire.

On to tomorrow.



KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #41 on: February 03, 2015, 06:39:52 PM »


Day 36!

Today is much less tolerable that the previous one. My left testicle started swelling with painful soreness and hasn't stopped. I don't like it, not at all. But I can handle it. It still sucks though.

Ouch.




ready2go

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
  • Personal Text
    Former PMOer since 2015
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #42 on: February 03, 2015, 06:48:41 PM »
Even with so-called blue balls, your testicles are not supposed to swell up and hurt.  If that doesn't resolve pretty quick, like within hours, I recommend calling your doctor.  You might even want to call him now just to touch bases and get a read on what you should be doing for that.  Good luck.


u=496865

KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #43 on: February 04, 2015, 07:14:18 PM »


Thanks for the advice, Ready2go. I thought it was blue balls, or blue ball, anyway.

I had my wife check me out. Luckily, she's a nurse. I'm on antibiotics and doing better. Thanks again, really.

Day 37

Not much to report. At least, it's consistent.




ready2go

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
  • Personal Text
    Former PMOer since 2015
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #44 on: February 04, 2015, 08:56:09 PM »
Nothing to report here either.  And you're welcome, really! 


u=496865

KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #45 on: February 06, 2015, 08:18:19 PM »


I messed up today. Sigh. I didn't m or o or even p. I edged. I remember reading somewhere on YBOP that was one of the worst things to do. And of course, I did it. Not that it really matters but I didn't even really realize what I was doing at first but as soon as I started to actually edge to the point of o, I stopped. I hope that doesn't set me back too much, but what can I do now, except forge on.

I was thinking about real women at the time. At least maybe that will count for something.

Time will tell.



ready2go

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
  • Personal Text
    Former PMOer since 2015
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #46 on: February 06, 2015, 08:32:23 PM »
You're good.  The only requirement here is no porn.  Awesome control man!  Redouble your efforts, we're watching out for you.


u=496865

KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #47 on: February 08, 2015, 01:42:23 PM »


Thanks, Ready2go. I hope so. I truly truly hope so.

40 Days. The big 40. A pretty impressive accomplishment, but I'm not done yet.

Not much is still happening. I had hoped I would see some signs of improving by now, but alas, if there are signs they are too subtle.

The only thing of note is that a few mornings recently, the one today included, I wake up with an incredible urge to do something. Part of me knows what that "something" is, but it's like my mind doesn't really want to admit it so I just have this general incredible urge to do something. My cock is limp with disinterest, so I don't think I want to masturbate. I just want to look at porn. I usually just get up and take a shower and get ready, the urge goes away.

Another thing I have found myself doing is when an attractive actress will pop in my head at work, I will wonder what "she looks like now." I'll do a Google search for her and not pull up any porn sites. I'll go to Google images. At the time, I am thinking it is okay. I'm doing it at work and we have filters for blocking anything bad. None of those kinds of pictures would come up. And I'm not even interested in getting off. I just have this desire to "see what they look like."

I have a feeling that isn't good. So I am going to make an effort to stop myself next time. If the feeling isn't enough, one of the things the YBOP book mentioned was that your brain doesn't know what porn is. It only knows the effects of it, the bursts of dopamine. If even looking at "what those actresses look like now" triggers anything like that, I need to stop.

Another odd thing is that that never seems to happen at home when Google images would pull up everything, good and bad.

Then again, I don't know how extreme I need to go with this. Maybe I am going to far. Maybe there isn't a too far. There is only what works and unfortunately with this, you can't know what works until months later when it does.

I guess I am just wishing there were more progress today. That's probably all this is.

I just finished reading Gary Wilson and Anthony Jack's Your Brain on Porn book. It was very educational about what is happening. Like most people, here, I strongly recommend it. I had to admit, it would have been nice if there were some example timelines, but they probably left that out intentionally. It even noted not to compare yourself to others. Everyone is different, so the process will be different for everyone. Still the progress demanding part of me wanted to see at least something like generally-speaking most men age 40 and above start seeing this after this much time and this after this much time and so on. The progress demanding part of me is not getting very much attention through this, but it will survive. The stubborn part of me is stronger and refusing to give in. The biggest part of that is that I have tried so many other things to conquer this, and abstinence is the only thing I have left to try.

On to Day 41...



KidQuick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #48 on: February 09, 2015, 06:40:45 AM »


Day 42. (The Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything).

Last night was hard. This morning was hard.

Still not much going on down where I so want it to. Woke up with a mild erection, so there is that.

What made last night hard was my wife had been drinking with a friend of hers and that usually gets her urges going. She offered to go down on me. I told her I would rather not. I told her I didn't want to lose what progress I had made. I was just scared. I was scared I wasn't where I needed to be. I was scared I wasn't ready. I was scared I would retreat into my own mind if things didn't work.

I wanted to go down her and tried to do that. She wasn't interested after I "rejected" her. I tried again this morning, and she told me she didn't want me to feel like I had to do that. I don't think she really understands, and I can't blame her. It just kills me that she thinks I am not attracted to her, that she thinks I don't want to have sex with her. It just fucking kills me. I know this isn't fair to her. I know this is hurting her. And that hurt hurts me.

And I wonder, okay, when do I start trying to have real sex? Don't I need to do that as part of the reconditionimg of my penis, so that it will get aroused from those sensations instead of my hand? So when do I start? Do I wait two months? For some reason, that is what I have in my head? But what if I am still flatlining at the two month mark? Do I wait for the morning wood to come around? Do I wait until I start getting random erections? Until I just look at her and pop to attention?

If anyone has any thoughts, I would sincerely appreciate it.



Phase2

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 669
    • View Profile
Re: Captain Crotch Noodle's Journal (46 year old male and married)
« Reply #49 on: February 09, 2015, 09:26:02 AM »
Hey Kid. Sorry to hear the frustration. You are at that tough point in the reboot when you've put in serious time and are still not getting any reward, which is really difficult to endure. There's no way to tell when you will start to stir. I was in hard mode and I finally started to get horny again around Day 50. I had serious PIED so when I finally started to feel ready to explore rewiring I was encouraged and I did get erections (not 18 year old everlasting erections, but much better than in a long time). I still have a ways to go, but this bit of encouragement helped a lot. So by telling you this, hopefully it will give you impetus to keep going and not get down on yourself.

I get that your wife is frustrated, but c'mon. Pouting and feeling 'rejected' and offering you blow jobs when she knows you are not ready is immature and unproductive. You are in recovery, trying to get better for her. She needs to understand this. Don't feel bad about what you are doing. You are a champ. Stay strong.

Lastly, don't try to have sex until the natural urge is there for you. Forcing this issue is doomed to failure and that will fuck with your head. Just let nature take it's course. Good luck, man.