Author Topic: Girl Porn  (Read 13297 times)

hellexfire

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #25 on: February 16, 2015, 05:48:43 AM »
Today is stranger, stranger than most.
I have huge choices to make in my life right now, ones that will effect my future (I still can't believe I've grown up enough to start thinking about my future...) and will require extensive planning for any option. Back up plans are useful with any career and it's about time I dealt with the fact that I placed all my academic eggs in one basket believing without a shred of doubt that I would be:  A. Accepted into the program I chose. B. Would receive the full ride scholarship with stipend, relocation costs, and thesis costs despite the overwhelming competition and C. Taking the shortest path to a PhD. I didn't pause to consider my options around the world, no, I was in love so I just focused on making it happen. I like the flexibility education provides to some but I used it to secure my sense of adventure, defy my boredom with the marriage I just left, and embark upon my epic love journey. Not all bad things in and of themselves but now I'm seeing that whenever I grow dull with the problems I have (and won't compromise on) then I fall in love again. I love love love LOVE falling in love.

But how long does it take until I get up and the first thought in my mind is that ____  (insert partner's name here) is in my way. I grow bored and am held captive by P, M, and O. I use my partners to achieve sexual satisfaction and then grow angry at them, silently to myself without realizing I'm doing so, and then suddenly I am tired of this person (whoever he is).  The more I think about it, the more I know it's me. The complaints men have made about me; I'm unyielding, I'm impossible to please, I don't understand how to understand him, I don't care about how he feels, I'm emotionally in tune to myself but not him, I won't compromise... Well, they aren't all foundless; I see. Even my Mom has said, "A lot of women would like to have just one decent man but you've had countless and picked them all apart. You've had so many decent men who work hard and love you."  And I hear her, I do. Not every man I've been with is has been a doll; half of them were abusive assholes with records but the other half were flawed, mediocre, and loved me til I burst.  But here's the problem, Mom. I don't want a decent guy. I want the best guy, or girl. I'm getting in my own way.

Don't get me wrong- my SO has a world of issues and I'll never downplay that solemn truth but he's got the best of hearts and I know it doesn't matter, all his bullshit. His shit is his shit but my shit is my business and I need to clean my mess up. There's shit everywhere and I been' so busy tending his and the guy before him and the guy before him and my parents and my father and the fucker who touched me... that I've not been' tendin' my own lop-sided M.C. Escher emotional prison.

I don't want to fall in love again. I think I may spend the rest of my life getting to know myself because the more I look inward, the more likely I think it is that to clean up this mess, I might not have time for a relationship or children. I am an anxious, leaking facet waiting to learn if compromise and commitment will end up being the wing-hatching assault rifle that I've feared them to be.  If they truly will leave me gasping for air and are as hellish as I've ever imagined trust being; control less, bottom less, loathing.

I never thought I'd have to face the nightmare of myself before I could expect the red carpet I've been demanding all these years.
I wonder if compromise will be the death of me. I hate being alone, I shudder to think it may be the only option if this commitment thing doesn't work out.

Meanwhile, my PhD simmers in a shroud of uncertainty and my future is cloaked with swarming plumes of doubt. But there's one thing that is sure, oddly enough.
My resolve. I feel prepared. I feel uncompromising and strong in my bones. I feel my natural fierceness in a way I never have before, I'm feeling it with patience I've never known. Little drops of it but it brings a calming to my nerves. I feel a funny thing, just around the edges and corners; it could be peace.

I didn't use today and I'm not going to use tomorrow. We'll see about afterwards then.

x

chiefmitch88

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #26 on: February 16, 2015, 10:14:20 PM »
Some difficult thoughts laid bare here Hellex. I always appreciate the way you express yourself. I can completely relate. If it is any consolation I believe that every person in a relationship wrestles with these exact same problems. I have often found myself thinking along those very same lines you mention.
"If so&so would only get her sh*t together, we would be the dream team. Like a legit version of some fabled king and queen. I know I'm right, its obvious to me, if she would just listen and clean up in the areas that bother me, then I could love her." We want some sort of guarantee that if I dedicate my heart and soul into this person I am going to receive the emotional euphoria that I am paying for. We want to have the dealer that will always provide the best high. I'm not sure where you stand spiritually but this is how I try to understand it:
There is another soul behind those eyes staring back at you. A soul that has had its own experiences and if it is not too damaged it is doing it's best to achieve some sort of enlightenment, same as me. Now this soul is going to hear countless ways in which it should improve and change so that it can reach some higher plane from numerous sources everyday. Some we hear from the radio or tv, some we hear from friends family, some we hear from those we choose to sleep with. The issue lies in the fact that we have all gone down countless paths with the promise that all our problems will be solved when we reach the end. Every one of us is wary of empty promises by the time we reach maturity, if we ever reach it. Another issue lies in the fact that there isn't a single damned soul on this planet that has all the answers or the best course of action. We are all awash in a sea of faces, praying for some sort of salvation, something to ease the feeling of desperation we all experience. Some, like you and I, choose addiction to chase transcendent sexual experiences or perfect relationships with complete understanding.

The more I go on, the more I know...It's just another dead end. So here I am, pretending I'm wise, about to tell you my secret. Which, as you might already guess, is also bullsh*t. But it's my bullsh*t and it helps me feel validated. Here it is: Do you God-damned best to find a way to Love yourself first. Love the weird, flat-out crazy ride that we each have the opportunity to take on this far out grain of sand. Even the bad stuff, love it. Easier said than done, I know. But we have a lifetime to learn. You are not the first person to lose their way, you will not be the last, it is part of the ride. And when we can love it all, and appreciate the light and dark places that exist inside each of us. From Hitler to Mother Teresa. All of those emotions are within you and they are within your SO too. I often think of a quote by Norman Maclean when thinking of the significant people in my life: "...For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding.”


hellexfire

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #27 on: March 03, 2015, 11:41:46 PM »
Day 53

Holy shit.
I darted off somewhere dark and deep, somewhere I rolled around on my belly and threw pity parties for myself and invited no one else but a place I needed to visit, regardless of the depths of despair I visited. I'm tired and I know I'm battling depression. Not using sucks the life out of me and I'm just not ready to combat it full force. I know I need to take my swimming seriously and I need to be pro-active in addressing to do lists but I'm still sluggish. Pulling my sorry ass over pavement one whimpering inch at a time.

Sometimes I feel completely unloved. I feel scared and unsafe and fearful. I feel like crying and I wish I could muster the tears to waste. There's nothing I can do right now but accept these feelings. They make me want to use and I just keep saying no but continuously saying no to them doesn't mean I've broken through anything yet. I still feel harnessed to my cravings and it is ever an option to cope with the unbearable weight on my shoulders.

I just want to accomplish, achieve, climb. I want to start climbing. I want a bit of security but I'm in a situation where there is no one to love me unconditionally.

I'm going to pull through this. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to get less confused and it will probably happen gradually and then suddenly. I can't see it yet but I can see that without P, without fantasy, that coping with my choices is bone-breaking work. I've made a lot of bad ones. I've trusted people I shouldn't have. I'm in the midst of feeling completely alone and for some reason, I think that's the way it should be right now. I need to deal with feeling alone and I need to find out if I really am or if I just feel as if I am in order to make better choices in the future.

Good news- I'm still dedicated 1000%... I'm a little punching bag but I'm taking the bruises in stride. I feel like Scarlet O'Hara at the end. I feel like I don't have a lot left but hope is filling me with motivation- after all, tomorrow is another day. x

ntg

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #28 on: March 04, 2015, 09:46:08 AM »
This is the shit right here, I went through this phase too, and I think everyone does, where you just decide with nothing but guts & determination, that you are going to make this work and you will get better, no matter what.  It gets easier, and you learn that you have a shit load more resources, courage, determination, and capabilities than you think you do, but you never experience them if you don't push yourself past what you think you can do.  As Emerson said, do the thing and you will have the power.  You won't feel the power beforehand, but you'll feel it kicking in when you put yourself in a position to need it.  Keep fighting, tell life to fuck off, cause you're going places.


Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #29 on: March 04, 2015, 07:53:21 PM »
Fight on, keep that spirit, nurture it. It will lead you to great things :)

There's nothing I can do right now but accept these feelings.

Nothing. And, please, shun the to-do list for the moment. This not a time for to-do lists. At that stage all we want is getting through a day. And each and every one is a massive success.

hellexfire

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #30 on: March 04, 2015, 10:50:00 PM »
Day 54

I need to address the blue.
A year ago I was filled with reds and pinks and purples and greens which bled to correct blue hues that were beautiful and inspiring and motivational. At worst, my life was crammed with volunteer obligations, getting to graduation, and ending my marriage. I was on fire though, dedicated to the pursuit of my PhD and never getting enough sleep. I started working as a behavioral therapist to behaviorally maladaptive teenagers in late March (after working with maladaptive preschoolers from October to January) but by then I was in full swing of my perfect romance story. I was so blinded by the need to find trust, genuine consideration, and reliable love that I didn't follow the advice of my mentors. I didn't write at least 10 different applications, I didn't interview with multiple professors to see if there was a positive relationship to be had, and I assumed I would get the full ride scholarship that I did indeed end up receiving.

I got very little sleep- something I remember hitting me as a novelty. I've been a sleeper my entire life; where other people need 8 hours, I need 10. My natural bio-rhythms have always been off the rest of western civilization and to that end, I have chosen the correct field. I need to be able to work from home sometimes or take a nap because life can exhaust me. I didn't stop to wonder and dig over why I was operating on so little sleep during that time. I had an overly full plate and I just kept moving from one time commitment to another. By May, I was visiting with friends as much as possible and in June, I knew I needed to see them even more because I knew I'd be moving to Australia.

I was scared to leave the world I had created. I was in perfect control of my life, finally was able to drive anywhere without anxiety, suddenly sure that divorce was the right solution for my 'before' family, and that leaving the 4 year old I had helped to raise from 10 months of age was a necessity. He wasn't mine and staying in a confused union wasn't going to change or help that.  I just breezed through it all and finally left Ohio in late August, two weeks after my divorce was finalized.

My partner (the love of my life) and I prepared for a lot. We went over details, where we would live, how we would live in great detail. I was completely unprepared to learn a month after moving that he had been lying to me about something for four months. I was unprepared for the truth that he is an addict and has had over 20 years experience in finely tuning his tastes to the unattainable standards set forth by his self-indulgences. I didn't pause to truly ponder why a person would be a virgin at over 30 years of age or how that would really effect our living situation. I didn't approach our love story with patience or understanding. When I needed patience and understanding to cope with the reality that he has severe anxiety, sexual anorexia, and a host of addictive behavioral issues, I didn't have them to fall back on.

I've been in therapy since I was 12, on and off. I have gone through my 'transformation' ... at least the part where you put childish thinking aside and start dealing with your own issues. I scraped the bottom of the bucket to learn about how my parents shitty relationship effected me. I erected boundaries that my family couldn't cross, I built walls between who I was and who other people were so that my husband couldn't continue to not meet my needs. My therapist has been working with me since 2012 and I've made amazing progress. I'm medication free (I still have a script but rarely use it) and I've learned all kinds of coping skills. I haven't cut since I was 21, I haven't touched damning drugs since 2008, I stopped excessively drinking in 2012 after I entered therapy. We still do Skype therapy and I'm learning all the time how to not let my emotions be dependent on others.

But in all this mix, I'm only just now learning how fucked I really am. It's time to address the blue.
I want my partner and our life. I'm not willing to give it up right now. I wanted this, I came for this, I believe in this. I have a hard time accepting mediocrity in any form and maybe some of the truth is that I disagree with much of my field's teachings. Can partners have different interests? Sure. But we know that couples who stay together the longest, the happiest are folks who have things in common. Opposites attract is really not scientifically sound at all. How much time is reasonable to spend with a partner? Well, now doesn't that vary among responses. I've been fucked by the world and I've never used it as an excuse to do anything but be better. I have severe trust issues, issues that were exasperated by my partner's choice to lie to me but I also know I'm using it as an excuse to not trust in the future. Perhaps I should stop selecting partners who lie because let's be real clear here- I've got a list of men who have lied, cheated, fucked my friends, and gotten me into financial trouble in the past.

Maybe I just don't like being alone. What the fuck is wrong with that? And who the hell is to say that will be forever? Things change and I think if I had a truly trustworthy relationship, I could feel assured in being alone. I like some alone time. I like to make art, I like to write, I like to explore new things. But I like about 2-4 hours a week of 'me' time. I see work as time without my partner. I mean really, you work 40-50 hours a week, there's at least 3-4 hours a week of bullshit (like paperwork) that has to be done (especially when you are a foreigner), cleaning and maintaining the homestead is another 4-5 hours a week, commuting is another hour every day, and of course we are sleeping for a third of our time. So when it's all said and done, in a week, you are down to about 30 hours a week, give or take, that you spend as you wish.  I don't need to spend my free time with lots of different people nor do I want to. I love going out every once in a while and socializing, I enjoy having lunch with my friends and the occasional dinner with other friends. I'm a big fan of having people over for bonfires and hot dogs and there's little I like more than stimulating conversation. But I am the kind of person who only wants one deep connection and the other connections are icing on the cake.  I want a partner, a real partner. I want to spend the majority of my free time with my partner. Not only is he endlessly fascinating but no one is going to look out for me like he does. I have this "soldier" mentality or something. What the hell is a reasonable amount of time to spend away from your partner?

I guess it might come down to a conflict of needs. He needs a lot, I need a lot. I can't stand the idea of it. Our story is my most cherished thing and everyday I see it becoming more and more bastardized. I keep thinking about what ChiefMitch wrote about spirituality and relationships. I re-read it over and over again...My partner is trying his best to achieve some sort of enlightenment. It's difficult because I regard his friendships as mostly surface and I am an incredibly deep thinker. It's difficult to be around his friends when they just seem like flaky crust on a mediocre sandwich. I see so much self-indulgence and that's what I'm trying to evict- too much of that shit rots entire cultures.

I'm blue with it. I want to use with it. I want to forget how fucked up this all is. I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I already love me, I'm already safe with myself. It would be better to be physically alone then to be next to only person you've ever loved more than yourself, the person you believe is your chosen soul mate, and feel like that person doesn't want you.

This secret feeling destroys me. I would do anything to get rid of it. Almost.
I'm not using so that's evidence enough that I can withstand this terrible squall of terror, insecurity, and confusion.

No one tells you when you start this thing that the path you are going to go down is so much more than P and addiction. Someone should put a warning label on it. I'm in a severe tailspin and my 'needs' have never been stronger. I feel like the point of life is to break my soul so then we don't 'need' other people. Then we can just take care of ourselves so that we are stable enough to have a relationship, maybe spit out some kids, and keep feeding this pig-fucked system.  Well I don't want to. I want my one love, I want to be known and understood, and I want to be safe.

Safety for me has never come in numbers.
Bullshit revelations.
I sincerely hope this balances itself out because being unprepared for this psychological hurricane has me struggling to get up everyday, fighting to stay focused on what I'm supposed to be doing, and contemplating things I never thought I would come to contemplate- like should i even be here getting my PhD?? Is my PhD just another goal I'm killing myself for, thinking it's going to make me happy, just like I chased my partner to the furthest corner of the world? Maybe I'll find out my PhD isn't trustworthy either.

I want trust. I want that shit so bad I could almost taste it...
but not bad enough to abandon this ugly, crusty, reliable ship of beating P and P fantasy and all the bullshit that gets sold in that lie.

I can finally see that P or Fantasy isn't going to help or fix all this crap. It's just covered it up my whole life.
I'm more tired than I've ever been.
Tomorrow will be aflame, x.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2015, 10:53:33 PM by hellexfire »

ntg

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #31 on: March 04, 2015, 11:59:34 PM »
I'm so proud of you sis.  It took guts and confidence to just lay yourself out bare for others to see the real you, and I really admire you for that.  I can say, that since you've laid it out there, it will not control you anywhere near as much, I know this from personal experience.

I totally understand what you write when you say you want something deeper, something lasting, a love worth writing books about kind of a thing.  I am exactly the same way; I don't just want to date to date, I want to find that person that I feel is like my other half; the one that is like the female version of me.  Have you found it in your partner?  Only you can know for sure.  If you come to the conclusion you've settled, then just remember it's never too late to change.  You may decide that although you feel you've settled, there are enough qualities you do like so that you really want to be with him; or you may decide that it's best to leave, either way, you should do what you want to do, not necessarily what you rationalize will be the best.  Sometimes we, who have been through a lot of things, rationalize things in our own minds that are not reality, just because we really don't know what reality even is, and we're unaware we're doing this.  This goes back to what I posted a previous time, that our gut seems to remain "pure" for lack of a better word, or in other words, it seems to know what course we should follow.  I'm not talking about a thinking process, I'm not talking about a feeling process, I'm talking about something much deeper...like it comes from the very core of who you are - what gets you excited, passionate, enthusiastic, loving, etc...that's what I'm talking about.  That part of you always knows the way home.


No one tells you when you start this thing that the path you are going to go down is so much more than P and addiction. Someone should put a warning label on it.


I chuckled to myself when I read this, because it is so true.  PMO really is just a bandaid we have used in order to keep the ugly things of life out of sight, so we can partially ignore them and not have to deal with the pain of them.  However, they are still festering, and when we don't face it head on, it keeps controlling us, and keeps limiting our future.  So, take heart, that although it feels like you're facing an unsurmountable odd right now, watch what happens when you take a closer look; watch what happens, when you actually try to tackle things, instead of just thinking about tackling them - you'll find things will bend to you.  Sis, you've got this reservoir of strength inside of you; all that stuff that you went through, and survived, it's made you very strong.  Learn to tap that strength, and apply that determination and passion to what you want to accomplish, what you want to become, and nothing will stand against you.

I know you're tired, and so I say, get some rest.  You don't have to always be fighting.  Sometimes, all we can do is crawl, but if we are still moving (no matter how fast), we are still winning.  So crawl or drag yourself an inch at a time, and you'll find that as you keep going, life will bow to your wishes, your command, because you've licked it; it has throw everything at you, and yet you still keep coming, so life says, ok, if you want it so bad, here it is, geesh.  It's like life tests your mettle before it lets you succeed; there are countless examples of this (read Think and Grow Rich) that this is the way life seems to work.  So, just know that this is creating strength and character, and that if you don't give in or give up, you are going to win.

So, take courage.  Know there are others who are struggling with equally difficult situations, and that you're not alone by any means.

I really get excited when I think of you you're going to be when this part of your life is complete, and what you're going to be able to do with all the strength you are going to inherit as a result of it all...it literally gives me goose bumps all over.

Learn to visualize your ideal self, and keep that vision fore-front in your mind's focus every day.  This is how we communicate to our inner selves where we want to go, or what we want to have or who we want to become.  Create it in your imagination, and it will be created in reality.

Proud of you, and keep going!

Nate


Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

chiefmitch88

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #32 on: March 05, 2015, 09:24:49 PM »
To my Sister from another Mister...

I would like to thank you also for sharing. Your posts are so eloquently descriptive even in their pain. Or perhaps they are so eloquent because I am going through the same feelings. I can relate completely to that desire to feel completed by your other half. I want that just as desperately. I struggle at some point every day with trusting my wife. After all that has happened it is difficult for me not to doubt. I find myself often wondering if the idea of finding that other half is real or if it just another fantasy written by poets and romantics? Even best friends are at odds once in a while. And if we see these people as our other halves, aren't we just setting ourselves up for heartbreak when they disappoint us for not living up to some standard?

Some difficult questions that have likely been pondered for centuries. I suppose I have learned to take heart in the fact that every human around me is seeking the answers to the very same questions. The trouble lies in the fact that this world is filled with a multitude of distractions. You've had personal experience with many of those distractions. Drugs, PMO, Sex, Alcohol...and there are many others. Wealth, food, hoarding...etc. All these things detract from a soul's path to enlightenment. I see them as pitfalls and we each get trapped by one or another in the course of a lifetime. At the bottom of that pitfall is a demon we must wrestle with. However that demon can lull us each into apathy with the promise of earthly pleasures, and what a sweet song that is to listen to. Especially when the alternative is climbing out of a hole that seems impossibly deep and filled with barbs.

When I said that all souls are seeking enlightenment of some sort I neglected to mention that 95% give up the fight. If a soul is eternal it may take many lifetimes to climb out of just a single pitfall along its path. Only 5% (1 in 20 people) will go through the hard stuff and get to the success and happiness that lies on the other side. But climbing out takes a lot of work and a lot of faith. And you are not crazy for feeling alone. If you are the one swimming upstream it means that there are 19 others swimming in the opposite direction. However, that current never stops. It will always be there, till the day you leave this world. But if we see others out there swimming against that current, suddenly we don't feel so alone. And we can almost find empathy for the souls being swept downstream. Or worse yet, stalled out and going nowhere. Also remember who won in the tortoise and the hare, take baby steps and rest when you need to. The current isn't flowing so hard that you have to be going all the time. It's a gentle stream, Mother Nature isn't completely cruel.

Regarding your PhD, how close are you to being finished? Does it fulfill you? Does the field give you purpose? Do you feel like you have an impact on the world doing what you do? I made a career change recently and it was the best move I think I could have made. That doesn't mean I regret my schooling. I am glad for it and I was on that path for a reason. But a little self awareness helped me to realize what drew me to my initial field in the first place. And I made choice to increase in the areas that uplifted me and reduce in the areas that brought me down. Life is a series of adjustments. The lander for the first Apollo mission was off course 97% of the time. It was constantly calculating and readjusting to find the correct course. Yet with all its errors it made it to the moon and back. The trick is how you look at the errors. Avoid the drastic course corrections and make small adjustments, one small step at a time sister.

Love and peace to you, keep writing.


hellexfire

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #33 on: March 06, 2015, 10:53:57 PM »
Refreshed.

Broke through something and when people ask me what it is in a few years, just like with heroin and molestation and cutting, I will have no idealistic response. This stuff- it happens in gradual phases. For sure, overcoming indulgence and practicing discipline aren't about quitting the addiction for me. They are about facing brutal truth, working out problems that tower over me and try to keep me down, and building a place inside of myself that no one will ever be able to take away from me.  I'm going to create a meme for facebook that says "People always tell me how strong I am. What they don't realize is that building strength, physical or mental, means sufferage and accepting pain. Just like those growing pains in your legs when I was a kid."

Cheesy? I own it.
I've given a number of talks as a guest speaker on motivation, education, and how to get kids out of the self-indulgent rut that they now seem to inherit by merit of their generational place in time.  Motivation works a little bit differently for everyone and I'm still not sure why I am the way I am. I can not accept the mediocre, the bullshit commercialization being shoved down my throat, and I can't accept the inequality I see all around me.  I don't know what has become more toxic- the media depiction of the perfect bodies we are all supposed to possess or the mirror in our bathroom that tells us we are so far from that ideal.

I struggle with self-image for the first time in my life. I was a lucky girl growing up. I had three brothers to tell me not to 'dress like a whore' and who guided me to understanding that fucking boys wouldn't make any girl a woman. I was never one for eating disorders and I mostly have never given a shit what others think of my body. I am angry that media has so much influence and everywhere I look I see women not empowering other women but women who regard other women as a threat. Constantly. I see men devalued if they are emotional and a real pressure for men to be cut, be a stone, be the sex god. We are being pumped with these messages day in and day out... all the while the internet stands ready for us to objectify others for our own secret pleasure.

Something has to be done. I feel like I'm on the other side, finally. I've made it past something big and I think it's because on Friday, I broke up with my supervising professor. I told her that I appreciate everything she's done and I will help her lab as much as possible but that I have to focus my research not on anxious-solitude trajectories in children but on the effects of pornography on children. I realize this means I may have to radically change my life but I'm up to the challenge. I am too full of fire and intensity to accept a PhD which I don't believe I'll be able to help people with. This is what I was born to do. I'm going to develop real answers to real questions in this topic. I'm going to test interventions and I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing it.

This is my niche.
Knowing that has brought more light than I could have swelled within. It's grounded me somewhere deep inside, back to a place which is safer than before. This is the first time in my life that I feel that it's not being alone that I fear- it's being alone while right next to someone else that I abhor. I actually enjoy my alone time. I'm okay with alone time, I just have very specific ideas on how a relationship should be for me. I have high standards, the same I set for myself.

Today is a good day. I'm stronger than I've ever been and while I never asked to be this strong, I feel a duty to use my abilities to help others. I can't change the whole entire world but I can help a few. I heard this story somewhere stupid online but it moved me nonetheless: A boy and old man were on a beach. The beach was covered with thousands of washed up star fish. The boy began picking up starfish one by one and throwing them back into the sea. The old man looked at the boy and said "you can't save them all, what kind of difference do you think you're going to make?" The little boy picked up a starfish and threw it back into the water and then turned to the old man and replied, "It made a difference to that one." 


The blues which swirled around my head like wafting smoke were rooted in the feeling of helplessness. This problem is huge. This problem is an epidemic. We are slaves to the new-age master- ourselves. We are being fed our self-indulgent poisons and who is profiting from our darkness? Good question. I have to change it and as soon as I realized that I'm now on the right path towards the PhD I should have, I've been released in some sort of way. I'm no longer powerless.

These last few months have tested me beyond borders. I've felt that I was going insane at times. I've questioned absolutely everything in my life from the top down to the bottom. Am I really here? Do I just care too much? Am I a good daughter? Are the trust issues just the fault of the cheaters and liars I've chosen to connect with or are they my fault too? Are my ideals unrealistic? Am I being childish with this idea of a strong partner who accepts and supports me? Doesn't change take time? Can I expect my partner to magically come to learn everything which has taken me the last 5 years to learn?

I don't have all the answers but at higher plateaus, the perspective is broader.
Right now I'm just proud as hell. Look at how far I've come.
Don't forget that people- pause to look at far you've come sometimes. Be good to self in a long-term healthy kind of way. x

@ ntg- I can't be anything other than who I am. Transparency has never been much of a problem for me- finding others who understand what I'm disclosing, on the other hand...

I came to Australia believing that person was my partner. A one hundred percent complete faith in the belief that he was my soul mate.  I promise you that I will never settle. A very wise woman told me when I was a child, "Never settle for less because you'll up with less than what you settled for." and the older I get the more I realize it's true. I've never settled (part of despising mediocrity) and I wouldn't in this situation either. My issue is not being able to tell if he's not my soul mate or if my issues are getting in the way. I want to find a balance between my ideal other half, my solider-warrior-love man and a real man with a real life and real pain and real problems. I'm still yet to discover that but I'm enjoying the time I have with my partner right now. I know I love him and if I ever come to discover that I loved the wrong one, I will forgive myself. I know that if that happens I won't be compromising. I will happily be alone and single until I find him and if he doesn't exist then I'll have a lot of time, heart, and freedom to go wherever I need to go to help whoever I need to help.

I read this article and about fell over because I could written the whole damn thing myself. It'll give you some perspective into mine:

http://elitedaily.com/dating/not-cant-find-man-love-cant-find-man-love/956734/

I'll take your advice and mull over it for days like I always do. 'Part of you that always knows the way home' is something I'll be rolling over my tongue over and over and over and over...

It is not enough to accumulate strength as wealth. I already have more than others. I must give it out or it will become a threat to me. x



@ Chief

Read the link I posted for ntg. You'll get it, spot on, I think.  I'm starting to wonder if trusting my partner isn't really about not trusting myself.  Doubt is dangerous- be careful. Doubt breeds confusion and together, they have toppled the greatest love stories, the most boastful of nations, and entire civilizations.

All people will disappoint us at some point. We will fail all whom we love at some point. Those fleeting moments aren't the ones to count. Betrayal isn't the same as failure or disappointment so you might as well be asking if true loyalty exists among lovers and I'm asking myself the same thing. Our culture certainly doesn't make it easy, now does it?

I think it's more like 1 in 1000 people will find enlightenment. Maybe less. Your words, Chief Mitch's words... these aren't common mental frames of mind, let alone the ability to take time and prioritize sharing them with others. If you think you are 1 in 20, I think you're a little bit crazy bro. I think you are more rare than you think and I think the same thing about myself. I'm pretty sure I'm at least 1 in a million, whatever that means.

I just began my PhD- perfect time to switch research interests if it must be done. The PhD fulfills me...just not the program I was in. Now that I've made up my mind, I know I will have an impact on the world doing what I do.

I love your bits of wisdom. I wish I could patch them together and make a quilt to wrap around my tired days.  x



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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #34 on: March 07, 2015, 07:45:44 PM »
I'm really happy for you Hellex! What a great course correction with your PhD! It must be empowering to feel like you've found your niche. I wish there was some way to follow your progress on that front.

You're absolutely right about that article. I feel very much the same as the person who wrote it. Although, I have to admit to myself that the side effects of my addiction have not yet lifted completely. However, the amount of baggage my wife carries feels staggering some days. The thing that scares me the most is the amount of time it will take to recover from the unresolved issues of her past, especially with the way she prioritizes her life. This is judgmental, I know. It is her own journey and I can't tell her which path to take. But I also want a woman like the one in the article. One who can handle a bit of a challenge when I pose one to her, or a deep discussion that dredges up uncomfortable feelings without feeling threatened or anxious. One who can mull over a thought or an event from the past and remain calm, cool, and collected. That has never been my wife. I'm right there alongside you. I'm so unsure of how to move forward in this relationship. The pregnancy muddies the waters even more at the moment. Also like you, I love her, but I feel like I am at the point where I can forgive myself for having chosen the wrong one if it comes to that. Right now, I'm going to stick with the small course corrections until I feel like the picture is clearer.

Finally, I cannot take credit for all of the words and bits of wisdom that seem to warm you. I have been reading "The Slight Edge" by Jeff Olson. While I am sure you probably don't have much free time to read for self-improvement or pleasure (due to PhD chasing), I highly recommend the book. It is full of little mantras and anecdotes that help to keep me grounded with an upbeat attitude (for the most part). I was never much of a self-help reader prior to this book, but he definitely changed my mind on the subject. The Apollo lander and the 1 in 20 quotes are pulled directly from the book. However, some of the ramblings are mine, although highly influenced by my spiritual and intellectual meanderings. An amalgamation of all my wisdom seeking.  I appreciate your rarity as much as you appreciate mine. Thanks for the understanding sister.

Peace and Love, and once again, please keep writing.



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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #35 on: March 14, 2015, 11:01:58 PM »
I don't have a lot of time, so I'll make this short & sweet.  I totally agree with your article, and without getting into the whole feminism and political agenda stuff, I do think it's cause men are being taught to be more feminine on a large scale.  I think you should hold out for a man whom you think is worth yourself.  Don't settle, you'll just feel like you could have gotten better.  There are quality guys out there these days, but unfortunately for you women, they are few and far between nowadays.  I think another option is to help your current guy become one (if he's not); part of it is to stop allowing him to be babied in any way.  Guys seem to have a really keen detector when it comes to hitting rock bottom; for most, it does not depress them, rather it awakens something inside of them that's rather animalistic, and bids them come home to who they really are.  All part of that "core" part that always knows the way home that I've been referring to quite a bit to you.

Ok, can't write more now, I think you get the gist.  Be well sister, keep going.


Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

hellexfire

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #36 on: March 18, 2015, 07:56:29 PM »
I've been unwell after a smashing birthday weekend in Queensland.
I'm going to ask my nurse brother to help me diagnose my issues because they are weird. Dulled tastebuds, extreme fatigue, vertigo, and painfully sore muscles throughout my entire body.
I haven't been into campus all week and am struggling to get there today or tomorrow. Still in flux with my supervisor situation on campus. I've officially divorced the old one but am still waiting for a new one. This mentally wears me out- I just want to start my PhD already.

I'm too tired to touch on anything else right now but once I'm recharged, I'll mouth off like usual. x

mtaha2015

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #37 on: March 19, 2015, 11:17:08 AM »
You are not alone here.
People who use porn are usually who are exploited and molested in early life.
they have troubles and tough upbringing ,and they cope life with porn and masturbation.
they get trapped into self destructive process , actually they hate themselves from inside also.

so love your self , and know that , you are alone. so many people around the world have the same issue.
so that's nothing new.
unfortunately , we were the unlucky ones , but we won't be unlucky ones any more.

our future is in our hands.

work for progress
work for future
make your life Good and successful.

Best of luck.

Jeff/Dan

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #38 on: March 20, 2015, 06:25:53 AM »
Hey hellexfire

I LOVE your journal, from what I've been able to read (I'll be sure to read the whole thing when I get time!)

I'm so proud of you for your positive attitude and it's really inspiring. I'll be following your journal from now on.

Keep being awesome!

Dan

P.S. Have you seen the trailer about the new doc on how porn affects the brain?

Check it out here
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/rewired-how-pornography-affects-the-human-brain

I feature in it - I'm the English guy.

hellexfire

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #39 on: April 06, 2015, 11:52:53 PM »
Wow.
It's like I went on an odyssey through mountains of mental resistance and found therein the very place where spine meets tailbone- the tiniest place within every soul where we find the gold. The place we are willing to die for, to live for; the place we refuse to compromise.

In the last few months, my  body has completely broken down. My body has ached and suffered in ways I never knew possible and I still feel like I'm too young for this. Doctors initially suggested the Flu or Dengue fever but I knew when they said it that they were wrong. I believed then and I believe now that it's all psychosomatic. My brother - the nurse- is worried it's a hormonal thing (last year I had a near-mortal allergy to the birth control patch) and has ordered me to go to an Endocrinologist. I'll go but I'm not expecting them to find anything either. I think my mind is dispelling years of mental anguish through my body. The reality that I wasn't protected, that I was exploited - not just by my perp but by countless men- has settled in. Like all knowledge, it can't be unknown once it's known. I have suddenly and abruptly realized, with sickness, that I've been partaking in the sexual exploitation of countless women around the world and the shit I've been hooked on for years and years and years, the shit I've been pumping through my mental veins, is kool-aid.  I've watched quite a few documentaries on porn and by myself I have come to realize that each of us who digests this, is creating the demand for the supply of sexual exploitation, power, possession, and objectification. I have helped to create the supply. I've done my part in creating inequality and I've propelled my own energy toward this man-made lie that women love this, that submissive persons love and want these things done to them.

I want to be part of the solution and I'm done being part of the problem. Go easy on myself? No, no I won't. The time for ease has passed. I've spent my life taking the sexually selfish, easy route and this illness projectile vomiting itself from my body is absolutely necessary. If you disagree, I wholly and passionately suggest to deeply explore sexual exploitation and sexual slavery rings in your own major cities- with the same dedication that we each have invested into pursuing the perfect O. In denying myself the pattern of this addiction, I've rerouted my drive towards clicking and reading and watching video after video after video- except on the part of persons who have been forced to give their body to our selfish demands. Don't let anyone fool you; partaking in these activities because one needs the money is no less force than to come by physical force.

The sickness will pass. My body will heal. Once I'm done accepting, in totalitarianism, the consequences of misguided sexuality and unbridled selfishness, the deep purples of my body and soul will be able to rise. I will do this with goals, with education, with research, with my life.

And it starts by acknowledging that each person in each video that I've consumed is a daughter or son, a friend, perhaps a parent, but is someone worth loving. It continues by setting forth my gratitude in singular moments day by day.

You know, when I first got here, I ran across a post that moved me so much that I printed it out and hung it on the bathroom mirror. I knew I identified with it then like it was some strange, writhing thing in me that I couldn't yet understand. But now I understand it with total vision.

"Viper,

Objectification is failing to recognize the dignity and value of another human being. It isn't as narrow as oggling or gawking at ladies or men, although that can be a symptom of objectification. There are many more articles to be found and yet to be written that can legitimize objectifying human beings. I think there is strong evidence that with a few sly triggers they could adequately convince a lot of men and women that they hold no value except as objects to give or receive pleasure.

The questions isn't if the behavior is objectification. The questions is if you will fall for it and be objectified in the process.

SORP"

Now I see that I've been objectifying myself and that my worth, deep down, is just the same as I'm doing to others. I've reduced countless people to objects and in the process, I've done the same to myself. There is more than this. There is more than bold lust and placing value on us all according to the pleasure we receive and give.

This journey has really become so much more than I could have possibly imagined. This isn't just porn addiction, something which touches only one part of my life or who I am, this (in reality) permeates every part of my being; the cynical way I've approached the world for so long, the belief that every one will hurt me, the continuance of trust so damaged that I can't seem to weed out the corrupt from the pure, an inability to become involved in political injustices which we all see but turn our backs to.  This is everywhere and the bang stops here. This will not be passed onto my children. It stops with me.

In accepting the worth of those I've devalued, I am able to acknowledge my own. Every person deserves the respect of having their most intimate actions kept private between themselves and their partner of choice. Every person deserves to bond, socially and personally, through their sexuality- which should be sacred and private. Every person deserves to take part in something because they entirely desire to, in a healthy consent, not based off power or money or insubordinate status.

We are creating the demand for the supply.
How ugly is that?
Ugly enough that every ones of my bones ache, that I feel joints crunching that I've never realized existed, enough to have fevers and nightmares, and the motivation to get healthy.

For the last month or so, I've been ever grateful to experience a hushing between my partner and I. I'm still not sure of our future but in recognizing that he has a personality disorder, I've come to be able to understand him in a deeper way. I'm grateful for his desire to learn and be better as I respect his hunger for justice. I'll never know if that strong, ideal guy exists- maybe that's part of the fantasy too. I have a real person in front of me, a soft man who has dealt with his own lust, his own suffering, and his own misguided perceptions. Yet we are best friends, trying to figure out how his addiction works and how mine works and what the hell can we do to stop these diseases from spreading- because we know they are disease. It may have taken genitalia not working properly to see the disease, but now we realize it's so much deeper than physical disorder.

I've come a far ways in my PhD- I'm crafting together emails, project proposals, and incentives to find the right professor who will let me study what I want to study- objectification. I've found a steady support on campus, people who are helping me to find myself through my academic endeavors. I'm fortunate.

I have friends and family who Skype with me often- no matter that I'm in Australia and they are in the U.S. No matter the time, no matter the issue- they are there. I hope to one day have it together enough to reveal to them all of this journal and the joys and hurts it has brought to me.

I'm ever grateful for not being alone. You are here, I am here and from the get-go, there have been stronger people than I to move me in the right direction. My brothers from other mothers- you know who you are. x

@Chief- I'm  happy to tell you who I am and for you to follow my PhD. You've been a diamond in the coal and I trust you to that end. Do we all look for an ideal partner, someone who makes up for our deficiencies in a perfect way, to our own standards? Can that person actually exist? Give me what you've got. I know exactly how you feel- I'm sticking to the smaller picture until I have more perspective. I can't say this is forever, I can only identify where I'm at right now.  I'm always around- feel free to leave me a message if you want.

@ntg- Part of my perspective is my age. I'm 30- I want to have a kid before I'm 35 or my risks go through the roof. Not that adoption isn't completely on the table but brother, I ain't got time to hold out for Mr. Perfect to waltz through the door. And I'm in AU, so that's all very messy stuff. I've got three years here then I'm going back to the States- where I want to pop one out (or hopefully pay someone to pop mine out) pretty immediately. You can see that it's not always as simple as waiting it out.  You know, my good friend told me to quit babying my SO too. She said that sometimes people need to fall flat on their face. I've certainly been giving him more emotional responsibility lately but that seems easier now, since I've had to face my own demons- I find it easier to discuss things with him (since I'm not running away to P).

@Jeff/Dan- Thanks for the props bro. My positive attitude can be rather pessimistic at times, I'll warn you now. It's completely possible to be a pessimistic optimist, though I refer to myself as an opportunist- pessimistic positivity is nothing more than survival.  I haven't seen the documentary you linked but I will def check it out this weekend.

ntg

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #40 on: April 07, 2015, 07:36:09 PM »
Once again, I don't have a lot of time, so I'm going to just make this short and sweet.


I really get excited when I think of you you're going to be when this part of your life is complete, and what you're going to be able to do with all the strength you are going to inherit as a result of it all...it literally gives me goose bumps all over.


All I've got to say, is that I think your last post is showing that you are becoming this person.  I am really excited to see this; this is the same exact reaction I had to porn as a whole as well when I discovered everything that you are talking about as well.

And I'll say one more thing too.


@ntg- Part of my perspective is my age. I'm 30- I want to have a kid before I'm 35 or my risks go through the roof. Not that adoption isn't completely on the table but brother, I ain't got time to hold out for Mr. Perfect to waltz through the door. And I'm in AU, so that's all very messy stuff. I've got three years here then I'm going back to the States- where I want to pop one out (or hopefully pay someone to pop mine out) pretty immediately. You can see that it's not always as simple as waiting it out.  You know, my good friend told me to quit babying my SO too. She said that sometimes people need to fall flat on their face. I've certainly been giving him more emotional responsibility lately but that seems easier now, since I've had to face my own demons- I find it easier to discuss things with him (since I'm not running away to P).


I got married originally based upon logic...it was the WORST decision of my entire life.  I speak from experience when I tell you this:  do not base love decisions on logic ALONE; yes, use logic, that is very necessary, but do not use logic and only logic and reason and convince yourself of things, because they are logical conclusions...this is the absolute wrong path to go in the matters of love.

I know you're feeling rushed, but the more effort you put into it, the more you try, the more it will all evade you.  Learn how to relax through meditation.  Learn how to rely upon the subconscious mind more than the conscious; the conscious makes decisions - it is logical; the subconscious does the actions, it is not logical, yet very powerful.  A book I'll recommend is Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, very good book on this whole subject, and a good start for you on this path, should you choose to take my advice.

As always sister, very proud of you, and I know you'll be just fine, even if you don't know it yourself yet.


Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

chiefmitch88

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #41 on: April 26, 2015, 04:31:50 PM »
Hellex,
I'm not even sure I can answer that question but I am going to give you my opinion right now. I personally look at life as a hike that we must do on our own. It is terrible and lonely at times but it is also enriching and rewarding. As you said, it's up to you to determine the moments that count.

Partners are just people who walk beside us for a time and if we are lucky we choose a companion that enlivens the trip. However, there are definitely people that make the journey worse. I have just started to grasp that I was the one wallowing and lagging behind with my selfish indulgence. 

I do believe that great companions exist, but none of them are perfect. Also, life requires more companionship than one person can provide. So try walking beside some trusted friends and family for awhile. Glean some life lessons from their combined wisdom. This has been my path lately. I'm going to keep on it because I am learning to believe in myself for a change.


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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #42 on: May 12, 2015, 05:43:23 AM »
Aflame.

Rosy petals, chimney oranges. and crisp mellow yellows have me by the throat and I'm not struggling a bit. I'm finally in a good place, albeit an anxious place, it's devoid of demonic hunger and feeding monsters.

At first I flipped out because with not smoking and not using, I started eating more and that made me gain some weight. But I have just completely let myself off the hook and said "you know what? Let's ride this one out. It's okay to be a lazy bones and take solace in sugar for a  while." I'm on my own Eat, Pray, Love journey except it's like Eat, Eat, Love for me.  And I'm really okay with it- for a time. I know that sooner than later I'll have to reign it in- endless self improvement. But for now, I'm taking one day at a time and actually enjoying the sugar which will walk me into a diabetic coma later down the road if I let it. Don't worry, I won't.  It's just like my way and I haven't figured out how to fill the void completely yet but I am certainly getting there.  I wean myself off one indulgence to the next but they are getting less destructive as I go along.

I'll be getting Invisalign next month so I know with that will come built in restrictions-it's too much work otherwise. Good news- I might have found the perfect supervisor. We'll see, I always feel like not getting my hopes up because when I do, shit doesn't work out. I'm expecting the worse, expecting the best so I'm covered either way it blows out.

Looks like it's time to change my counter- a new goal, yes.
Simplicity finally upon me and eluding me not right now for a strand longer. I don't know how long this shall last and I see the stuffed comfort in it; packing in morsels of comfort because I finally realize I've been trying to masturbate my way to home or safety or some Dorothy-land that I can't express and hasn't existed for me. I'm finally accepting that right now, this is my way. I'm finally in a great place with my partner and accepting his flaws as he accepts mine and I'm not fighting temptation any more. It's not a struggle. I've just accepted that it sucks and it sucked so much that I stopped letting it suck out my energy and soul. It's sloth work, moving forward, but I am. My mind is pregnant with the fat-full greed of snuggling in for comfort right now.  I haven't figured out why I'm so uncomfortable, why there's this constant buzzing in me for something- drugs, booze, O's, P, nicotine, whatever. But I'm not giving in- except to waaaaaay too much cinnamon muffins but I don't even let it phase me for a minute. I'm just indulging over the fucking top on sugar and loving every dirty minute of it. Lesser of two evils.

It sucks less today than it did yesterday.
Someday I'll be totally whole.
Not today.
But today, I'm totally happy so what the fuck is the difference? x

PapaThales

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Re: Girl Porn
« Reply #43 on: August 25, 2015, 10:06:39 PM »
A marvelous journal!  Confessional NoFap literature par excellence!  And very helpful I might add.  I wish I had encountered this one before I started writing my own.