18 year struggle

Hi. I'm here because I've wasted too much of my life looking at porn, seen how it's interfered and destroyed good things in my life, and it's high time that I quit. I probably started when I was about 14 or 15. I'm now 33, so this has gone on at least 18 years, which is most of my life at this point. 99.9% of it has been Internet porn. Most is what would generally be considered "soft-core", which I think is part of the reason I have tried so many times to make the excuse it isn't a big deal. But I always have fallen into the PMO path, and I know damn well what a problem it is, it's just convenient to deny it when I want my way. But I know it's a problem, and quitting has been hard.

I've been through some tough times, as has most any one, and have self-medicated with PMO too much. I was engaged to be married about a decade ago, and while there were several factors that resulted in our wedding never happening, I know now that my porn use was a bigger problem than I realized at the time, and that it prevented me from ever being as close to her as I should have been. If it was bad before the breakup; it was even worse after. I did not handle the breakup well at all, as she was my first and only girlfriend, and I'm very socially anxious and introverted. In retrospect, it was good it happened, but at the time, it was absolutely crushing. While I did well on the surface (getting my career back on track, finishing a college degree, eliminating all my debt, etc.) below the surface I was a wreck. Lots of drinking, and lots of PMO. It was pretty bad for a few years there.

Things are a little better now. I've got good friends, more of a social life, and I've been successful, building my career and buying a home. I don't PMO as much as I used to, and I can sometimes go several days without porn. But when I do, it can become a binge that lasts several days. That's where I am right now. I went 20+ days without porn in December - the longest I've gone in a long time. It was great! But it didn't last, and now I'm on day 8 or 9 of a binge, and it's getting old, as it always does. I'm tired of this cycle.

I've prayed on this a lot. I was raised a Christian, but turned my back on it in my early adult life. I came back to Christ a few years ago, and many positive changes have happened in my life as a result of my newfound faith, but this one still gets me all the time. I think part of the problem is how accepted it is in our culture - it becomes so easy to think it's okay, or very normal, but in my heart, and in my prayers, I know it's just not right for my life. I've sometimes felt like it's just "Christian Shame", but I know better than that as I've found plenty of secular sources arguing against porn as well - the book Pornified by Pamela Paul is an excellent example, and a source of strength for me in addition to my Christian faith. When I really search my soul, I do feel that God wants me to banish this from life, but when the itch is there, it's so easy to ignore that unfortunately.

I really feel that to conquer this, I need to reach out to others, and that's where God is leading me. I'm quite ashamed about it though and what people might think, so I'm starting here, with strangers, and hoping it's a step in the right direction. I hope in time, that when I've met some of my goals, and I feel that I'm making progress in turning from a guy who look at porn to a guy who doesn't look at porn, that maybe then I can share this struggle with my closest friends. But for now, this is a huge step, as I've never discussed my addiction with anyone except my old girlfriend.

I would like to find a wife and get married someday, and I feel that porn has been a huge barrier to this goal. I've dated some over the last several years, but not had a proper girlfriend since my engagement feel through. I hope that conquering the addition of porn and PMO will help build the confidence I need, as I'm still rather introverted and not terribly outgoing.

Besides keeping a journal and counter on this forum, my other plan is to find other things to do when the itch to PMO strikes. Right now, I plan to do one of a few things, which are praying, reading or exercising. I need to lose some weight, and I don't exercise enough, so I hope to improve on that along with beating my porn addiction. I'm going to weigh in later this week and plan to make a note of how I progress on this in my journal as well. I also wish to read more, and deepen my faith in Christ, so reading, especially the Bible and other books will help me in that goal as well. I think setting up some positive goals to replace my porn use and actually seeing them through is what I need, and now I have a place to make myself accountable.

Thanks for reading, I look forward to participating in this forum and I pray it is the first step to finally conquering this evil in my life.

(Edit: I should add, my current goal is 30 days, as seen in my counter. I've never gone without porn or porn substitutes for a month's time in the last 18 years, so 30 days is a big goal for me. When I meet that, then my next goal is 60, then 90, and so on. When I can make it to at least 120 days, then I plan to discuss my progress with a close friend whom I trust.)

Small first step: I got through today with no problem. It helps that I was busy, though the opportunity was there. But I had a chance to do some work from home, so I did that instead.

I watched The Great Porn Experiment video I've seen shared elsewhere on this forum (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU), it was very helpful. Seems to mimic quite a bit of what I've read elsewhere, which helps me to better understand that this is a serious addiction, something I didn't realize until the last year or so.

I too have tried to look at it from the Christian perspective and to "pray away" the problem, but it was never enough, although perhaps it should have been. I convinced myself that the guilt I felt was the problem, a result of my religious upbringing, not the porn use. I wanted to seem progressive and sex-positive. But after encountering the reboot movement I realize that it is also a health and well-being issue. I also realized that porn is not about sex, it's about people trying to profit off sex. Porn is no more reflective of real sex than WWE is of actual wrestling. Still, I've also realized that porn was one of the main obstacles to my spiritual development. Prayer and meditation most definitely help, but other steps are also needed.

I think the biggest hurdle I've had from a Christian perspective has been the fact I haven't sought out help from any fellow Christians in my life. I've kept this a secret even when I have people I know I can trust to help me. I actually stumbled across something last night that spoke to this a bit, and referenced Galatians 6:1-2. I'm still not ready to talk about this, but I have someone in mind who is a very trusted friend and whom I'll seek out after I've made some progress with my goals here.

I agree there is definitely a health and well-being issue, and understanding that has been a huge asset in fighting this. The WWE reference is apt! Thanks for sharing.

Hey AoMSentMe,

Welcome to the forums man.  I, too, was raised a Christian, and have been on a path where I sometimes follow, sometimes not.  Mostly for me, this is because of an incident where I was given a prophecy that turned out not to be true, and began to doubt what really is God's voice or not, and so I approach the whole subject with a lot of caution now.  I do still read the Bible at times though, and think it can really help us know what we should do, the Gospels and Proverbs especially.

A lot of guys are in the same boat as you man, so don't feel bad or guilty or shameful, if you didn't want to conquer it, you wouldn't be here, so you know that you do want to conquer it, it's just a matter of getting the right tools and support.

One thing I'd really suggest you do is to read the post here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

Like you, I used to be focused on a goal to "avoid porn" until I saw that article, and realized that this was a huge mistake.  Our goal should be to improve the quality of our lives (in which porn has no place), and thus we avoid porn automatically, and are not trying to fill a void left by porn; rather we focus on other things that we want to do instead, and there is no void to be filled.

This is a great place, with lots of guys that are supportive.  Stay strong man, you can do this.

Hey dude, your storey shares some similarities with mine. If you find your faith helps you and is beneficial in your life then I think that's a positive thing. As an atheist I can also say that the shame and unease that effects many people with PMO addiction can often come from the inside rather than just being a function of religious dogma taught at a young age.

You've made a positive start and the intense cravings subside with time, so keep that in mind. When you feel the urge then getting your thoughts down on your thread can be helpful. Stay positive and don't be too hard on yourself.

3 days, going well. I feel like I could definitely fall into the PMO trap tonight, but the urge isn't too bad. I'll be okay tonight. I'm reading Your Brain on Porn, good read so far. It's interesting to me that the book mentions the danger of video pornography as "videos replace imagination in a way that still images don't." In my experience, I mostly looked at still images, and left much to the imagination... I hope that might be good for me in the road to recovery.

ntg said:

One thing I'd really suggest you do is to read the post here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

Like you, I used to be focused on a goal to "avoid porn" until I saw that article, and realized that this was a huge mistake.  Our goal should be to improve the quality of our lives (in which porn has no place), and thus we avoid porn automatically, and are not trying to fill a void left by porn; rather we focus on other things that we want to do instead, and there is no void to be filled.

This is a great place, with lots of guys that are supportive.  Stay strong man, you can do this.

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Thanks for the encouragement ntg, and for sharing that link. That was a really great read. I think it's good advice not to focus on the counter. In fact, I did years ago, marking it on a whiteboard, but stopped doing it. I started the counter here, but after reading that article, decided to try the spreadsheet as well. It might be more constructive to look at monthly averages instead, rather than focusing on a streak.

I've actually slowed down on porn quite a bit in the last year, and much of it is because my life has become busier, and more full. I don't get depressed as much as I do. I think being on this forum and finding others who can relate to my addiction is the last push I need, along with adding other positive activities to my life to fill the gap left by porn use, such as exercising and furthering my commitment to Christ through reading and devotion.

Bagpuss said:

Hey dude, your storey shares some similarities with mine. If you find your faith helps you and is beneficial in your life then I think that's a positive thing. As an atheist I can also say that the shame and unease that effects many people with PMO addiction can often come from the inside rather than just being a function of religious dogma taught at a young age.

You've made a positive start and the intense cravings subside with time, so keep that in mind. When you feel the urge then getting your thoughts down on your thread can be helpful. Stay positive and don't be too hard on yourself.

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I think as a teenager I did feel it was mostly "Christian Shame", but as I've grown older, I've realized that the shame and negative feelings coming after PMO are because of how dark and negative porn is itself... not just because any religion or church says it's wrong. From a Christian perspective, I feel it's been a barrier between me and my faith, but if I didn't have that in my life, I think it's fairly obvious to me that it's just plain bad for me as an individual. I'm looking forward to ridding my life of it. Thanks for the encouragement!

I've just about got through the weekend now, which can be the hardest when I don't have to work or have anything planned. It hasn't been easy though.

I have a female friend, around my age. We're close, and she's been a real beacon of light in my life, but we've always been strictly platonic friends. I would like her as my wife, and have made that known to her, but she does not feel the same. I've accepted this, but my feelings remain. We've both been single for the last 3 years, and we often go on dates, as friends.

Friday night, we went out, and after dinner she told me she had gone on a date with someone this past week. She doesn't use the word "date" lightly, so I knew right away what she meant. I stumbled through a half-hearted congrats, which I'm sure she saw straight through, and we parted ways. I haven't talked to her since. I'm devastated. Granted, it's just one date, but if it continues, my relationship with her is going to drastically change.

It might be good, in that it might force me to seek dating opportunities elsewhere, I have maybe become a bit lazy due to her being available to go out. But it's totally unexpected, and I'm afraid the blast of emotions and depression that are coming with this change in my life could be a huge trigger. I'm hopeful though, so far I haven't been triggered. I do have a killer ache in my head and neck tonight though, and I'm sure if I PMO'd it's go away. But I've been at this point before, and I feel okay. Going to try some exercise soon.

Still reading the YBOP ebook, and it's been a good read. I read a part on disturbing dreams coming with reboots, and I can attest to that. During my last reboot I had several. I remember one where I was caught looking at porn, and another where I was talking to my ex-fiance, whom I hadn't though about in some time. I worry about the different symptoms that are going to return again as I reboot again, but I'm glad to be here where I can talk about it, I think it's helping.

I think one of the most important concepts I have learned in regards to women is that the man makes the choice.  The woman has to choose whom to be with, but the man makes the choice.  I would say that if you told her how you feel, and you went out on dates, then you need to fight for her bro.  If you really think she's the one, don't give up so easily.  Success, no matter what the destination, is never easy and never straight forward.  If you give up now, you will lose her.  Fight for her; she won't find it confusing or be annoyed, rather she will find it endearing and it may just wake something up inside of her.  Fight until she tells you that she will never be with you; if she has only said she's not interested, then you need to keep fighting.  If she's not worth this amount of effort, let her go; if she is, then fight.

Stay strong.

I can relate to being tired of this ?cycle?. It?s just endless. For me, one of the worst aspects of this is that it?s all free. If I had to pay for porn (like with drink or drugs) then kicking it would be easier. But all I have to do is click a button and? well, you know what happens.

I can also relate to the spiritual/religious dimension you have on this. I was raised a Christian and for a long time put my attitudes towards P down to a Christian guilt complex. It was an easy excuse to see my addiction to, well, allot of things I shouldn?t have been using, as some form of laboratory process. It wasn?t. It was just me looking to escape from the realities of life.

I really hope the current challenge life has thrown at you doesn?t trigger a relapse 

Thanks for the encouragement, ntg and Perseverance. I saw the girl again, and unfortunately it wasn't a happy story.

I've done a lot of thinking since she dropped that latest bombshell on me. We had a standing dinner date last night. After dinner, we came back to my place, and I laid it out again, how I felt about her, how this latest news of her dating someone else was hitting me, etc. And then I did what I though I couldn't do: I told her her I couldn't see her anymore. If she couldn't be with me, I couldn't keep sticking around as a friend and keep getting my heart broken every time another guy entered her life. She cried, it was tough. She knows I love her, hell, I'm crazy about her, but as long as she doesn't feel the same, I can't keep doing this. She kissed me for the first time, I returned it, and we said good night.

Needless to say, it's been tough. The porn has sounded pretty good today, but I haven't done it, not even an MO. Been trying to see friends, surround myself with people, and do what I can to avoid setting myself up for failure tonight. Unfortunately, I'm pretty crazy about this girl, so it's going to be really hard not seeing her, and it's going to my make my attempt at quitting porn that much harder, having this sudden loss of her companionship. Boy, when it rains, it pours! I'm doing well though - still on my way to the 30 day goal. Glad I can come here and talk about it, it's helping.

Did she give a reason for why she didn't want to date you at all?  I still think it may not be over man.  I dunno, call me crazy, but if a girl kisses you after you tell her you like her, and you can't see her anymore, I still think she has something for you.  I know, I'm not making your life any easier, because you want to just let it go, but hear me out really quick.

Women are NOT logical; they make decisions based upon their EMOTIONS, not their heads, like we do.  If you tell her you like her, and this is why kind of thing, it does nothing to show any attraction for her...you have to SHOW her.  My suggestion, and take it or leave it, call her, and tell her you'd like to tell her one last thing, before you guys split up for good.  If she comes over, you're golden, because if she comes over, it means she's hoping (maybe subconsciously) that you will make a move.  Tell her, you're crazy about her, can't live without her...and, IMMEDIATELY, go in for the kiss, and I mean a real passionate one.  Lay it on the table; everything you feel for this girl, DO IT, don't say it.  Then, if she still is not into you, part your separate ways, but I have a feeling it won't be like that.

Like I said man, take it or leave it, but I would seriously suggest trying this...you've got nothing to lose at this point.

AoMSentMe said:

And then I did what I though I couldn't do: I told her her I couldn't see her anymore.

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Wow.

That deserves massive respect. Having the strength to lay down firm boundaries like that takes strength.

And to then face the resulting emotions head on without trying to re-program them by consuming P...

That?s some seriously impressive stuff there dude! You have my utmost respect.

And again, thanks for commenting in my journal when I was close to an opening stage relapse. It helped loads

It might not feel like it at the moment, but you are making progress AoMSentMe. You get to set the terms in your life and I believe that NTG is spot on. If she kissed you I believe there is still hope as well. However, even if things don't work out you are still a complete person. Every day that you resolve yourself to avoid porn you are laying another brick in the foundation of a healthier you. If this relationship fails that does not mean that you failed. I means that it was just a mile marker in your journey and I have a feeling that there are great things ahead for you. Giving in to PMO is quitting, it is lying down and telling yourself you can't go on. Don't lay down because in this world you may never get the opportunity to get back up. Be proud of yourself for handling your business. Even being heartbroken is not a reason to PMO.

Thanks everyone, I need the encouragement so much right now! I had no idea when I set out to quit PMO that this would happen.

We talked again Friday night, via phone. Much was discussed, more than I'll bore you with here, but she laid it out pretty clear that she cannot see us married, she thinks it would fail. She has had strong feelings for me, as I have for her, but she doesn't think we can work. We've been in a sort of not quite a couple but not quite just friends either relationship for a few years, and it's time to put that to rest. It was easy, and we both liked it, but it's unhealthy, and has led to a lot of pain and tears, especially recently. Both of us want to save the friendship, especially since we're in many of the same social circles, and we are very good friends, but for that to work we'll have to setup boundaries we didn't have before. I told her I still need to not see her for awhile, even in group settings. I need time to think about what this is going to mean and how we'll have to adjust to this new relationship.

So meanwhile, I'm not seeing her. And I've learned something really fast: I haven't been single for three years. Sure, I thought I was, because she was just a friend, but what I didn't realize was how much I had put her in the "girlfriend" role in my life. Well, I know now, because this is feeling exactly like a breakup. I've been an absolute mess, crying every day, leaving work early, etc. It's bad. I haven't been this torn up in awhile. And of course, the PMO cycle would be my go to drug of choice, but I haven't done it. I admit, I've MO'd, which I'm not too happy about and I want to get back under control. But no matter how much my brain has wanted it, I've avoided the porn. It is painful. I joined this forum not 5 or 6 days before this situation with her started, and I had no clue this would happen. Lord have mercy! I admit, if I saw this coming, I may have been hesitant about stopping PMO now. However, I'm glad I did it, because this is a real test if I'm ready.

This week I'll be trying to see some friends (but not her), and engage in some other activities/social groups outside of my normal circles. I hope this will give me the chance I need to get out and be social without having to see her. And maybe, it'll give me a chance to meet some new women, who knows. It's going to be hell. But at least I'm not viewing porn, and knowing I'd be coming back here to write in my journal is helping. I don't want to have to come back with a relapse story. I want to kick this habit, gain some strength and confidence from it, and come back someday with a story about a new woman in my life.

Thanks all for the encouragement, I need it, more than I knew I would! This is going to be quite the journey.

Man what a struggle today  :'(  I feel physically ill. Not sure if it's porn withdrawal, or being so heartbroken... probably a mix of both. Loss of appetite, feeling week, cold chills, almost feel I could throw up. This sucks... haven't gone through such a tough emotional toll in some time. Some friends are coming over today to help me with a home improvement project, and I did some cleaning around the house for the first time in over a week... hoping I'm on the mend. Looking forward to going back to work Monday, I need to keep busy.

Hang in there dude. If you can get through this without P, then you can get through anything

I'm not going to give you relationship advice, this all your call and it sounds like your already doing the best thing. You know the situation best. But I do want to thank you again for the other night. That little comment you left in my journal stopped me relapsing, and I genuinely don't know where I would be going now if you hadn't done that. So thank you.

AoMSentMe said:

I joined this forum not 5 or 6 days before this situation with her started, and I had no clue this would happen.

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Its weird. I don't know why this stuff happens. Some people say its God or Spirit, others that its your subconscious preparing you for a tough time that your conscious mined just couldn't see coming. But whatever it is, I've had similar things happen. When they do, I take to show that I'm doing something right

You can do this bro. Stay strong. Stay focused. There is light at the end of this tunnel

Thanks Perseverance, I appreciate your encouragement and I'll keep checking in on you too!

I see from the counter I'm at 2 weeks without PMO - something I've done before, but not that often. If I had to guess, maybe a half-dozen times in 18 years I've gone two weeks without it. This forum is helping a lot - I really needed the accountability. Especially right now, it would be very easy to return to PMO to help with the pain I've been feeling caused by the heartbreak of recent events. Part of it is knowing that I want to be accountable here, and part of it is my faith, and interesting in my own well being. Porn has been a barrier for both. I'm half-way through to my first goal - two more weeks to go! Things are still tough, but I'm feeling better today that I was a couple days ago.

Keep going man, you're doing really good!  If you starve the fire of oxygen, it won't burn as bright; same thing with this whole PMO thing...if you can keep yourself occupied (focusing on goals, physically pushing yourself, etc.) you won't be giving PMO any fuel to throw you off track.  Stay strong, and you can do it man!  I'm pulling for ya!

AoMSentMe said:

Man what a struggle today  :'(  I feel physically ill.

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You can handle that pain AoM. Those feelings can be harnessed and directed into a positive action. 

I know that place well. It feels like you've had your skin peeled off, like you have no shield from the outside world. When our focus isn't on objectifying people our brains naturally begin looking for other stimuli. We're no longer plugged into the mania of compulsion for immediate suppression of any unsavory emotions. Anger, fear, doubt, sadness, anxiousness, heartbreak, insecurity... all great reasons for me to check-out with a porn binge. I also learned that porn wasn't the only way I ran away from life. Food, marijauna, sex, adrenaline spikes, infatuations with pretty girls, etc. Sometimes I wasn't even able to identify the things in my life that gave rise to my emotional state from day to day. Life was a grind. I felt compelled to squash those emotions because I was never able to see those emotions as guiding or helpful. As a man it was my duty to grin and bear it. 

At some point in my journey I learned that those difficult emotions are natural and unavoidable; like we are all doomed to a lifetime of cloudy days. (Imagine Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh) In some degree I was right, I'm not sure any person in this world doesn't have a dark cloud roll through their mind at least once a day. However, while emotional fluctuations as a result of outside influences (our worlds) are natural, I have come to understand that my obsessive side will take those feelings and use them against me in an attempt to get my brain to seek that escape from reality. My brain learned that if I feel low for long enough I will give it the dopamine bath it's been craving.

Granted, you have a right to your cloudy days. You've had a tough go of things lately. But remember, porn just seeds the rain clouds. It adds to the chaos in our brains and churns up a terrible storm. Weather that storm and there will be sunny days ahead. That anxiety cannot sink your ship, I promise you that.