Author Topic: Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot  (Read 52668 times)

Patrick

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Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot
« on: January 03, 2015, 02:56:41 AM »
Hi guys, I’ve been a member of the Nation for a while now and I guess it’s time I started my own journal…

Stats: 45 yo, gay, single (very eager to be in a committed relationship), from Germany, have been addicted to porn since my teenage years, at that time we used to watch VHS tapes and actually didn’t ever use fast forward or skip, so maybe that’s an advantage in my reboot, lol.

The real mess started when I got my first computer 2.5 years ago, from then it was PMO big time. Before that, I would act out in public places (libraries, copy shops, sex shops, porn cinemas), take home magazines from P shops, or use friends of mine to supply me. I was in a sex addiction related 12 step group until a few months ago, and I couldn’t get sober. Another psychotherapy didn’t help, either. My worst sessions were PMO'ing for hours on end, knowing I don't want to do this and having to continue to feed the porn-crazed demon.

What made me wake up was a disconcerting feeling of lifelessness under the belt. When I had sex I was semi-hard and could feel that something was wrong. When PMO'ing I sometimes didn't have an erection at all and cummed floppy style. Finding the Nation helped me to realise that I suffered from PIED. Before that, I would struggle to install K9 and quit PMO forever. My biggest success has been 1 month PMO free. Now I have a new mindset and I know that I don’t want to PMO anymore. I installed K9 in no time.

That’s a HUGE difference to my former state of mind. I always relapsed because I wanted to act out. This is not an option anymore. Phew. I believe that looking at and understanding your states of mind is key to staying sober.

Thank you, my friends, for all the help you’ve given me. I am proud to be a member of the Nation and I feel strong about my goal to reach 90 days PMO free. I am showing promising signs of recovery (stronger sense of self, monster erections at night that I never dreamed of having again, I feel like a teen :), willingness to participate in real life, feeling loads more attractive about myself etc.) Good stuff! It's really fascinating that I never felt this way when I stayed sober before. I am sure this has to do with my willingness to stay clean for good. My soul knows.

I am happy to share with you guys. Good luck on your journey. We can do it!
« Last Edit: February 02, 2015, 04:08:34 AM by Patrick »


Chaos Mind

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2015, 06:43:54 AM »
Hi Patrick,

I'm German too, so: Glückwunsch zu deinem Journal!

It's striking how the 40+ generation struggles with the addiction, too. Your background is completely different to mine (and all the others 20+), yet it is so similar. Dopamine is the common thread and it does not discriminate between young and old, rich and poor, straight and gay. We seek the kick and we get it...no matter if VHS or full HD porn site access.

Did I get that right: you suffered from a sex addiction and could not get sober until you found out porn to be the main driver for these problems? How do you expect the two things to be interconnected? How is the relation between those two...what is similar, what is different?

Keep it up and the best of luck for 2015!
~ Subconsciousness is the key to sort the chaos in our mind ~

A collection of techniques to deal with the addiction: read, discuss & add your own ideas

lyon03

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2015, 08:25:25 AM »
Well done Patrick on starting your own thread. I agree that in order for miracles to happen, in this case freedom from sex/porn addiction, you have to want the miracle and then work like hell to make it happen. Be strong brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Poker

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2015, 03:49:08 PM »
Patrick...  good luck in your journey.  Hope you stay strong and beat this.  Yes, miracles do happen.

Cheers!

p.

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2015, 04:35:39 PM »
Good luck Patrick.
Take it one day at a time!
Healthy
-Healthy

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2015, 08:11:48 AM »
Thanks for sharing, Patrick.  Come back here often and share your victories, your challenges, your concerns.  Good group of guys (and women) here who will make you feel like you're not alone and that you can do this.

Share, offer support to others, and check in when you feel tempted.  It's a great outlet.

Patrick

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2015, 12:19:02 PM »
Hello gentlemen, Thanks for the support, highly appreciated!

I've been doing good. It feels fantastic to have reached 30 days with my new mindset of never watching P again. I DON'T NEED IT AND I DON'T WANT IT!

Tonight I will go to the movies and enjoy myself, then I'm going to check out the new posts here, then I will go to bed :) (So easy it's almost funny.)

@Chaos Mind: Danke für die Glückwünsche! (Thanks for congratulating me!)
When I went to the 12 step group I introduced myself as a sex addict. I had a change of heart after leaving this group when I realised that my state of mind dictated if I PMO'd or not. When I finally found YBOP and the Nation, something clicked in me and I KNEW that I don't want to PMO ever again. Before that I always struggled - I knew something was off, but it didn't make me stop. I needed the shocking PIED information to make me want to change.

That's why I always say that you have to look at your state of mind to determine how serious you are. Knowing P is bad for you isn't enough (smokers go on seriously harming themselves despite the dire consequences they face later on). You must rise to a higher level of consciousness, and you can't force it. It comes from leftfield. As long as you struggle you can at least rejoice in the fact that your consciousness tells you that it would be good to stop. That's the first step.

Keep truckin' guys, I'll update soon. We can do it!


ntg

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2015, 12:31:42 PM »
Hey Patrick,

Glad to see you made your own journal man!  I know for me, it really helps keep me accountable, because I don't want to have to type that I messed up.  Having the counter and the journal really help keep things in perspective for me.  Plus, you can get support from people when you're having a particularly rough time, like we all do.

I know exactly what you mean when you said that you would cum while your cock was still floppy; this happened to me too, and I never understood it, but I did recall when this would happen, I would sort of feel like I was really detached from what was going on, a feeling very difficult to explain, I don't know if you had this same experience or not.

I know that for me too, PIED is what has clenched this thing for me.  When I realized that my ED was not because I was 36 and not because of any physiological problems - but rather brain changes and psychological issues, I determined that I would beat this thing, because I'm not going to let it control my life, and I think we're all in a similar situation.  We can do this together man!

Glad to hear you're going to go have some fun tonight and focus on enjoying yourself.  it's nice to unwind and relax.

Keep up the good work bro!


Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

Patrick

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2015, 06:13:39 PM »
Hey guys, my update for today (day 31):

I've been feeling pretty good. Got a bit of work done for my business and cut out on my breakfast, which really does me good. Saw some friends in the evening. Took a long walk with a friend in the afternoon. So loads of socialising.

Didn't feel the urge to PMO or fap, and I don't trust the lull. I'm coming close to my previous abstention rate. I've never in my life found out what happens when I don't watch P anymore. That's a bit scary. But probably it'll be great (hopefully). I have promising erections at night, practically no MW. Still truckin'.

@ntg: I had the same experience as you. It felt like being totally out of control about what I wanted to do or not. For example, after O I could never just quit, I had to keep looking at some more P until I could shut the computer down. (Or I had to O some more :() Very ritualised, very crazy, very addicted. I think what we both felt was just pure addiction and the results of being loaded with dopamine. Maybe equals heroine abuse? Anyways , I never want to experience that EVER again. Feels so crazy f*ing shitty. Zombie.

To end on a positive note: I'm looking forward to my rewiring. Don't know yet who it'll be, and as I grow finding myself more handsome and sexually attractive, somebody will come along ;)

Thanks for your support, guys. We can do it!


lyon03

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2015, 10:57:53 PM »
Thanks for sharing Patrick. Yes we will always be recovering addicts so we need to be mindful as triggers and urges are everywhere. Glad you are connecting with real people again. You are a good man. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Patrick

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2015, 04:51:56 PM »
Hi guys, day 32:

Today I've had my share of ups and downs... In the morning I realised that as a gay man I can easily be triggered by some of the posts here. I was down in the dumps and could feel my dopamine rising. I BADLY wanted to act out, just like I used to do. I decided to take a cold shower, which was fantastic. And my system was so shaken by not getting my usual fix that I started to cry from withdrawal. Lately I seem to have been more vulnerable. I was reading a newspaper article about a man who had stopped his car to help a heavily injured boy who had fallen off his bike (no-one else had stopped for him). It made me so sad and I started to cry. Normally, I wouldn't read such an article or read it and brush it off. I also cry a lot at the movies now. I feel very open.

I'd like to share with you guys my insight about PMO and dopamine triggers. I saw that my PMO'ing was like drowning in a sea of dopamine. Triggers that are all around me are similar to dipping my toe into the pool, or sneaking around it, or drinking from it. These are the most dangerous dopamine triggers for me so far:

Fantasizing
Searching on the internet for anything for too long
Reading about other people's sexual experiences and imagining them
Looking for possible dates on dating sites
MO'ing or edging with P fantasies
Ogling guys

I know I will only count it as a relapse if I intentionally watch P, and these triggers can lead me into relapse.

Ups: I had a super-fun workout today, skipped my breakfast and ate healthily, went to see a movie and cried :'(, trained my myopic eyes (it really works!!!), went for a walk, had a wonderful coffee, and spoke to a close friend on the phone.

Keep on truckin' guys and I'll talk to you soon. We can do it!




lyon03

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2015, 05:35:49 PM »
Thanks for sharing Patrick. I too went through a crying and emotional stage. This is truly a good sign if you can believe it. I actually cried on a treadmill while listening to Sia's Chandelier at the gym! For me, this signalled the end of physical withdrawal and the start of the more challenging emotional recovery. What helped me was posting here, talking to my sponsor, and reading everything I could above addiction/recovery. Good luck brother. Tears are the first stage of healing. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2015, 08:24:22 PM »
32 days is great. Stay strong. Do you think these triggers are suddenly getting worse? Maybe you are in that critical period where your brain is finally realizing porn is done and it needs to rewire for other things to be attracted to, so it's giving you fits. This would be a great thing because it means change is on the way--so hang tough at this juncture. Shut down all the triggers...don't let any of them get a foothold even for a second. Cold showers too! I jump up and down while I'm taking them but feel great after about 15 seconds. Good luck Patrick.



Patrick

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2015, 06:46:20 PM »
Hello gentlemen, day 34:

I had a wonderful realisation today: I DON'T NEED THE DOPAMINE FIX OF PORN AND I DON'T NEED P. I know this doesn't sound too exciting, and for me it's the hallmark of freedom. I always used to think that I definitely needed porn. I never thought that it could be any other way. How strange is that? I can see now that P is completely unnecessary. Wow! I mean, it's a difference if you THINK you know and you KNOW. Not PMO'ing won't kill me! That's awesome. I guess I really used to believe that I might die if I never use it again, lol. Neither do I need all the useless triggers around me like staring at men or obsessing or thinking I don't get enough sex...

I have broken my personal record of one month PMO free and I didn't die, yeeeiii! I still f*ing can't believe it. There's hope out there, guys, no P doesn't kill you, it's life-enhancing :) Who would have thought? I'm so happy and content and I have more time for the important things in my life: Work-outs, meeting friends, sleep, taking care of my business. I just plain hated the guilt trip I was on (but only always) after PMO. F*ck that! I can think straight again (no pun intended). Feeling very serene right now, and grateful.

Good luck to you all, my fellow reboot brothers. I'm rooting for you all. We can do it!
« Last Edit: January 08, 2015, 06:47:54 PM by Patrick »


lyon03

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2015, 04:34:37 AM »
Congratulations Patrick! You make a good point that we won't die from living without our addictions. You're absolutely right to focus on all of the positive things you can do with your time other than watching porn. I remember watching a video of a guy talking about his porn addiction. He said something like: "I have no meaning memories from watching porn." You've captured the essence of that in your post. Well done. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

Patrick

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #15 on: January 11, 2015, 03:37:55 PM »
Hello from Germany! Day 37:

I've been doing good. Sometimes P fantasies flash through my mind and I don't follow. I can let it go. I've broken my record of one month PMO free and I'm a bit proud :) This doesn't mean I'm safe, I'm trucking on. Thinking about relapsing isn't doing me any good. It's out of the question.

My spare time is now filled with taking care of my business, working out harder, tackling my myopia by active focusing, socialising, and basically being happy about not being a f*ing porn slave any more.

I guess I'm flatlining and I find it helpful and relieving. There's so much less pressure because of it. No dating or obsessing about sex necessary right now. Time will tell. I'm waiting patiently. The raging boner episodes have gone, MW non-existent. That's OK. I trust the process. Sometimes I get heavy dopamine surges from looking at a guy or reading about sex. I let that go, too. I'm not a saint, and I'm on my way. (And it DOES feel serene ;)) The real thing will be a relationship with a real person. One outcome of that can be sex. Sharing, cuddling, kissing, touching comes first. Taking the pressure off me is an antidote to my PA. Releasing my expectations is an antidote, too.

Thanks for the support guys, we're in this together and I'm grateful for your presence here. We can do it!


Poker

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #16 on: January 11, 2015, 04:04:07 PM »
I watched an interesting video today.... it was a professor who studied the future.  One of his points was people would always ask him a question about what is going to happen....  as if the future was predetermined.  In fact its not. The future is non-existent.  it hasn't happened yet.    The future is in fact an endless array of possibilities.  What we do today, is what will determine what our futures.  We have the power shape our future.... 

Cheers,

p.

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #17 on: January 11, 2015, 04:08:52 PM »
You are a great example of managing life as it comes and resisting the urges that come with it. Proud of you Patrick!

Your patience seems to bring a peace that "everything will be ok" and in due time you will be back to the normal function that you desire. 45 days is soooo close and you are 1/2 half to your 1st goal.

It's great to see you doing so well!

Chaos Mind

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #18 on: January 12, 2015, 02:15:36 PM »
I can totally see how gay men can be easily triggered around here. For me all the talk about what we do NOT do anymore has a positively repulsive attitude. For me it helps reading about men acting strong by admitting they have a weakness. So far I've only heard about men who were proud about their porn consumption. But what I read here makes me feel like I want to give all of you guys a great hug in a completely unsexual manner. But I couldn't do it if it were only women posting about how they need to stay away from porn because that thought would attract me in an odd kind of way.

Maybe it helps if you picture us as people who suffer...just like you do. There is nothing sexual about us. We are all but friends to each other. A healthy mind knows the different between loving a friend and desiring others. You decide to stick to the first one. We are here to help each other. No matter what we write...anything that triggers you happens in YOUR mind and YOU can switch that off. Regard us as your friends. You sure know many men you'd like to give a hug, don't you? Just hugging to show them that they are important for you. I feel the same for many women, but I had to quit porn to realize this. And I bet it will be the same for you, too :)

Great job so far, Patrick. Keep it going!
~ Subconsciousness is the key to sort the chaos in our mind ~

A collection of techniques to deal with the addiction: read, discuss & add your own ideas

lyon03

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #19 on: January 12, 2015, 03:07:10 PM »
Great post Patrick. Thank you for sharing. How refreshing to read about someone enjoying the flatline, seeing it as a time of healing/reflection. Stay the course my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Patrick

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #20 on: January 17, 2015, 05:06:15 PM »
Guys, I feel a bit lonely today, but enough of the self-pity, here are the results of day 43:

I'm so f*ing happy that I've been staying away from P for awesome 43 43 43 43 43 days, yeeeiii!!! I might feel lonely, and I am super-relieved. P is so sh*tty I can't believe I watched it for hours on end thinking I had FUN along the way, super lol ;D FUN??? Ha ha ha.

I can't be triggered easily anymore, when I see cute guys it's rather like "oh yeah?" than "I need to PMO NOW." Cold showers have been helpful, working out hard as well. I'm also pretty content with not dating, it's almost like "thank you for the respite."

I'm also trying to go to bed before midnight and not use my computer for reading before I go to bed. I'm turning into a saint, lol. My mood swings have balanced out and I feel less anxious when I'm in public, no shame or fear. PMO creates self-loathing and insecurity.

I would like to express my gratitude for all you brave warriors here who are with me on this path. I can feel you, guys, and it brings tears to my eyes. I never knew how much my addiction made me feel useless, dead, and unhappy, all at the same time. I can only see that now that the fog is s l o w l y lifting. 2015 has come to a good start and I intend it to continue in that fashion. I know that I can't control a relapse 100%, and I know I am willing to not act out 150%. That should do it.

Stay strong, dudes, we can do it! Erection info: I'm in on/off mode, sometimes strong erections at night, or MW, sometimes nothing/very weak. Truckin' on...flatline is my friend ;)


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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #21 on: January 17, 2015, 07:38:49 PM »
Patrick, another gay guy here- also working on a hard reboot- day 20 for me.  I enjoy reading your journal and the responses...makes me feel better to know that I am not the only guy out there going through this. 

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #22 on: January 17, 2015, 07:42:18 PM »
Patrick, you are doing  so good. We are all doing  good in her..everday  we all become  better  human beings. It's a rough battle  sometimes. It really  helps me to know that all of us in here are battling  the same demon. I was so relieved  to find this site. Keep battling. Porn is not an option, ever

lyon03

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #23 on: January 19, 2015, 05:07:43 AM »
Well done my friend. Stay strong and I look forward to following your beautiful journey. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: January 19, 2015, 07:29:57 AM by lyon03 »

Patrick

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Re: Patrick's Journal
« Reply #24 on: January 20, 2015, 04:15:14 AM »
Guys, you can celebrate 45 days with me :D (Yay!) Half of the hard 90 over!

I'm flatlining. The only arousal I get down there is from dope rushes...not the real thing. I had this funny accident yesterday when I did my washing: I sometimes forget my watch in my jeans pocket and put them in the washing machine without checking. When it dawned on me what I had done I thought my watch was broken :-\ for good.

It turned out that it still worked and there was only a delay of 6 minutes, lol, poor watch. I realised that this is a symbol for a new time, a new part of my life, a cleansing has taken place (holy sh*t!). I think that's awesome. Happened exactly on day 45, half of my official reboot time. The universe sends you cohesive messages in a weird way. I'm grateful.

Plans for today: Socialising, eating healthily, working out back, biceps, forearms 8), staying as serene as possible.

Truckin' on and cheering for you guys out there. We can do it!
« Last Edit: January 20, 2015, 04:50:44 AM by Patrick »