Author Topic: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life  (Read 9567 times)

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #25 on: March 11, 2015, 02:20:40 PM »
Day 11

Today I was working during the night (I am working on shifts), so the lack of sleep made my willpower weaker.  It is always like that, but I never relapse during these days, because I expect that they will be hard. The problem occurs when I start to think that I am strong enough to fight a desire, but the truth is that strong one runs away. :)

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #26 on: March 13, 2015, 08:03:07 AM »
Day 13

Today I had really bad urges. My mind was totally upsest with a desire. I was in stupidity mode, so I decided to M just to avoid some very bad actions. Now I feel good and refreshed, because I feel that I made good decision, but only the future will show if it was a good idea.

Now because I M'ed, I wont use computer and starve for 1 day. It will help me to clean my mind, so see You on sunday!.

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #27 on: March 16, 2015, 03:09:11 AM »
Day 16

Basically, feel good no strong urges right now, but I want to share more about my inner word after M'ing 2 days ago? First hour I felt really great, like a newborn. But after some time, strong urges hit again and I tried to find ways to watch P, but I havn't. Nevertheless I M'ed for the 2nd time. After that I was still in pretty good mood. Interesting fact is that I wasn't blaming myself or feeling guilty but after M’ing I became very nervous and depressive. I felt like my life is miserable right now. I felt bad not I about M'ing, but about my work, my income, my skills etc. To sum up, I was feeling good that I M'ed, but the side affect was depression, apathy and higher level of angriness.

I dont want to fall into that black hole again, but before M'ing my libido was skyrocketing and I felt that I can do something really silly. I found a phone of the women who was searching for a lover (On the simple advertisement site). I felt like I am gone call her, but it would be a disaster for my family, because I have a wife and children and I know that such action would destroy harmony and love.

On the one hand I feel extremely badly after M'ing on the other hand I had to M, because I want to avoid even worse things from hapenning. Thou I feel good now; I know that after a couple of weeks I might fall into the similar situation. Pretty desperate situation, isn't it?

May be someone have any suggestions or ideas about that?

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #28 on: March 17, 2015, 01:58:02 PM »
Day 17

I had strong urges today, when my wife left me alone at home. I still have smart-phone, which is not protected... But I ran away. I was jogging for about 5 km. When I came back and made 40 pull - ups. After that I felt much better.

Updated sanctions for bad actions:
1.  For P I won’t use PC and starve for 72 hours.
2.  For M I won’t use PC and starve for 24 hours.
3.  For trying to bypass web filter (even unsuccessfully) or for other unsuccessful attempts to watch P 24 hours abstaining from PC.

I like to read advertisements where women are looking for men; usually these advertisements are coupled with sexy female photos. Watching this == watching P, so I would restart my counter and penelyze myself as for watching P.

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #29 on: March 18, 2015, 11:23:01 AM »
Day 18

I was busy all day long, so no strong urges today. Tomorrow is my shift, so I am going to work for 14 hours and I guess I wont have any strong urges either. Nevertheless my body feels the upcoming spring and a lot of mind is devoted to sex, I think about it every two minutes, but I guess it is normal...:)

MasterPablo

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #30 on: March 18, 2015, 03:00:11 PM »
Congratulations :) I've read it and it relly helped me https://get90days.wordpress.com/2015/03/18/how-to-heal-the-porn-addiction/
I don't wanna give up the fight!
https://get90days.wordpress.com/

MioMio

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #31 on: March 19, 2015, 05:46:31 PM »
Congratulations :) I've read it and it relly helped me https://get90days.wordpress.com/2015/03/18/how-to-heal-the-porn-addiction/

19 days! Yes! Keep up the good work! It is so worth it :)

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #32 on: March 22, 2015, 07:48:42 AM »
Day 22

@ MioMio, thanks man! I've already past a milestone of 3 weeks, I think I found a system that work for me.
@ MasterPablo. I really like the movie it shows how the addiction works in a very colorful way.:)

So it is already 3 weeks without P and more than 1 week without M. I think that penalty system, which I arranged suits for me perfectly. Upcoming penalty forces me to think more about the feeling after relapse...

Moreover, from the day I made a split between P and M, it is much easier to avoid just P, but I feel like I am gone M anytime, just to avoid worse things from happening.


« Last Edit: March 22, 2015, 02:49:55 PM by NewAdam »

mtaha2015

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #33 on: March 25, 2015, 03:05:02 PM »
congrats on 25 days completion.

25 percent done.
100 day isn't far any more.

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #34 on: March 26, 2015, 02:55:28 PM »
congrats on 25 days completion.

25 percent done.
100 day isn't far any more.

Thanks for Your support.:) Even one month would be great for me. 100 days sounds like impossible, so I am not thinking about that much.:)

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #35 on: March 26, 2015, 03:10:25 PM »
Updated penalties for bad actions:

1.  For P I won’t use PC and starve for 72 hours (reset P counter).
2.  For P subs I won't use computer for 72 hours and starve for 24 hours (reset P counter).
3.  For M I won’t use PC and starve for 24 hours (reset M counter).
4.  For trying to bypass web filter (even unsuccessfully) or for other unsuccessful attempts to watch P 24 hours abstaining from PC.
5.  For any bullshiting in front of PC, I won't use computer for 2 x bullshiting time + for every minute 4 push - ups or 1 pull - up or 3 one leg squads.
6.  For eating chocolate no PC after eating till the end of day + no food till the end of the day.

MioMio

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #36 on: March 27, 2015, 12:33:06 PM »
Updated penalties for bad actions:

1.  For P I won’t use PC and starve for 72 hours (reset P counter).
2.  For P subs I won't use computer for 72 hours and starve for 24 hours (reset P counter).
3.  For M I won’t use PC and starve for 24 hours (reset M counter).
4.  For trying to bypass web filter (even unsuccessfully) or for other unsuccessful attempts to watch P 24 hours abstaining from PC.
5.  For any bullshiting in front of PC, I won't use computer for 2 x bullshiting time + for every minute 4 push - ups or 1 pull - up or 3 one leg squads.
6.  For eating chocolate no PC after eating till the end of day + no food till the end of the day.

Gladly, I have been following your progress all the time, otherwise I would think that your penalties may be a bit extreme!! However, I understand that you have found a great way to control your urges.

Keep up the good work!

mtaha2015

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #37 on: March 27, 2015, 04:27:42 PM »
72 hour starve ?

come on !
don't be silly.

don't touch extremes !
you are taking too hard.
that is a very wrong strategy.

Food is essential.
that can bring serious consequences.
don't do that please.

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #38 on: March 28, 2015, 10:35:20 AM »
72 hour starve ?

come on !
don't be silly.

don't touch extremes !
you are taking too hard.
that is a very wrong strategy.

Food is essential.
that can bring serious consequences.
don't do that please.

By saying starve I mean, that I will consume from 500 to 800 calories per day. Just one good meal in the evening, so I could feel hunger all day...
This insane rules works perfectly for me. Since I introduced them I haven't watched P and I M'ed only once, thou I real want to relapse. These rules make me think about consequences before I relapse.
I always feel shame and depression before the relapse, but this shitty feeling never stopped me before the relapse.
I agree that it might look insane, but commitment without obligation is nothing for me.
Anyway we all have same goal, but we achieve it different ways.

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #39 on: March 28, 2015, 10:41:35 AM »
Updated penalties for bad actions:



Gladly, I have been following your progress all the time, otherwise I would think that your penalties may be a bit extreme!! However, I understand that you have found a great way to control your urges.

Keep up the good work!

Yes, I found these rules really useful for me. I haven't starved for 3 days yet. ;)  And I hope I won't. :) To starve 1 day is even healthy (As I would do for M), if You are not starvinf everyday.:)
Thanks for Your support MioMio/

mtaha2015

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #40 on: March 28, 2015, 12:30:39 PM »
now its better
if you can manage less food , its ok.

if you feel confident with this strategy go head.
but food is essential.
take good meal.

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #41 on: March 31, 2015, 08:18:35 AM »
Day 31

Congrats!!! More when a month without P! I rule!!:)

:DDD

I don't want to look like a pride seeker. But I am proud about myself!:))

Regarding masturbation:
After 2 weeks of M free period my libido went down and I don't feel like a sex maniac any more. Nevertheless, whithout a pressure a don't feel my addiction so much, so it might be even harder for me to avoid the relapse.

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #42 on: April 04, 2015, 04:39:26 AM »
Day 35

21 day without M it is my personal best in rebootnation community!!!
My libido went down and I don't have boners so often anymore. Now I have temptation to watch P or M not because of sexual desire. I want to cheer myself. In scientific words, I seek dopamine to get feeling of natural reward. The feeling of arosal tempts me more than O.

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #43 on: April 06, 2015, 12:39:04 AM »
I reached easter without a reset!  :)
I am really happy about that!!:)

mtaha2015

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #44 on: April 06, 2015, 11:10:12 AM »
Christmas isn't far away. keep moving forward.

Free

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #45 on: April 07, 2015, 12:15:53 PM »
Congrats on your success man! Keep up the good work leading an example and becoming the best possible you :)

Are you still having sex with your wife by the way?
« Last Edit: April 07, 2015, 12:21:12 PM by Free »

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #46 on: April 10, 2015, 02:03:34 PM »
@Free:
First of all, thank You for Your support.
I dont have sex with my wife because she is pregnant and her libido is more than low and I am not the kind of person who would force or would try to convince pregnant women to have sex...

mtaha2015

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #47 on: April 10, 2015, 02:31:11 PM »
newadam, welcome back on track. 4 days done. keep moving forward.

NewAdam

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #48 on: April 10, 2015, 02:48:03 PM »
Day 4

I relapsed 4 days ago. Then I starved 3 days (I mean, 1 good meal per day) and abstained from computer for the same period. This helped to come back on track. P is very powerful, I watch it once but it stays in my head and I feel huge tepmtation to watch it again. Thats why I have decided to starve (it helps to concentrate on my hunger not on P) and avoid PC (PC is a source of P).

How I relapsed?

It was the second day of the easter I was eating alot (including chocholate) I decided to relax and do something pleasent for myself, so I started watching movies on PC late in the evening. That leaded to even bigger "relax". I have decided to watch P. I was not able to overcome K9 internet filter on my PC, so I watched P on my smart phone...

Now I encrypted my phone and I dont know the password, so I cant even turn on my smart phone any more...:)
To make long story short: Overeating  ==> eating chocolate ==> PC used for bullshiting ==> watching P.
So it is obvious that out of my 10 rules only 3 is important:
1. No overeating:
2. No sweets.
3. PC only for work and education (and rebootnation).

After the relapse I've decided to allow M, but with some restrictions. I will reward my-self with M everytime I reach my goal on the counter (every 7 days). I will do it without any fantasies and only in evening, so I could avoid depresion that is the side affect of M.

To sum up, no sweets (of any kind) and overeating from now on but M every 7 days.:)

 

mtaha2015

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Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« Reply #49 on: April 10, 2015, 02:58:18 PM »
newdam , masturbation will allow your sexual tension to reduce. it will make you calm. but as you said, it brings depression, which can lead you to Porn and it brings chaser effect too. I will suggest you to go cold turkey. NO PMO. but you have to decide yourself. do what you think is best for you. don't listen to any one. we can just suggest you.