Author Topic: The journey  (Read 114752 times)

bob

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Re: The journey
« Reply #450 on: April 01, 2016, 02:22:58 PM »
FF,

You are doing such an amazing job with this. I hope to follow in your footsteps.

Peace

camus

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Re: The journey
« Reply #451 on: April 01, 2016, 05:07:36 PM »
Quote
So I remind myself that these thoughts do not have the power to harm my mind. They are passing clouds.

This really resonates with me.

Great stuff FF, you're doing so well.

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #452 on: April 02, 2016, 01:02:19 AM »
I am happy when I am connected to what is important and true. (This to me is the nature of love)
I am unhappy when I connect to what is unimportant and false. (This to me is the nature of Attachment).

Addiction is the mind of attachment at full throttle. To understand addiction is to understand the mind of attachment.

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #453 on: April 02, 2016, 04:07:47 AM »
Thank you Bob, Dom and Camus, I appreciate those brief words of support more than you can know. Kindness is a mind offered without expection of return.

Yesterday was the worst it has been and the closest I have been to fully acting out.

 For those that have been following my last two weeks have been marked by ongoing struggle with the rise of the discontented mind and associated craving and fantasy. Yesterday after a tough day and feeling like shit I come in go to bed and engage fantasy. Then bring up some stuff on my phone. I see a few images not moving and I know that if I don't step back now I am lost. I am about to fall headlong into full meltdown.
 I shut down. I masturbate to Orgasm as a bit of crisis management. The urge was too strong at that point. If I hadn't done that it would have been worse. So I have lost my masturbation sobrierty but have maintained my porn sobriety. By the skin of my teeth!.

This happened an hour before meeting with my sponsor. This is the insanity of this addiction.

But thank God for that timing because without that timely meeting I might not be celebrating another day sober. As it is Day 4 block 5. I give thanks for another day sober!!!

My sponsor was so kind. I was expecting a roasting for being such a wanker. But instead he first congratulated me on stepping back from the brink. In my  messed up mind in that moment I thought I was hearing things. Congratulatory words were not what I was expecting. I respond to kindness. Bless him.

So I have been given another chance. I feel grateful. I know I have much to learn.
I have been reflecting on what has been going wrong these last few weeks which when I re read my posts are defined by the word 'struggle' or 'struggling'.

Today I make the decision to desist from struggling. Struggling is something I choose no longer to do. Struggling is suffering. Struggling is resisted that which is. Struggling is entering into conflict with onself. Struggling tangles you deeper into the net of discontent craving and addiction.
So if you choose not to struggle what do you choose? You choose acceptance! You  choose serenity! You choose to sit and be with what is arising.
Drop the struggle completely. Desist immediately. This is a choice and it can be done.

I know there is a fighting dog part of me that sees struggle as heroic and engaging with the demon. That is the ego talking. That is bullshit. Thoughts have no inheirant substance to them. They rise and fall.

The quickest way to let a thought pass is to not engage it. Not entertain it and definately not struggle with it.

So that is todays commitment. Drop the struggle. Let it go!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
FF
« Last Edit: April 02, 2016, 04:24:42 AM by Feetfirst »

bob

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Re: The journey
« Reply #454 on: April 02, 2016, 07:13:45 AM »
Oh my dear FF. My thoughts are with you.
You choose acceptance! You  choose serenity! You choose to sit and be with what is arising.
Drop the struggle completely. Desist immediately. This is a choice and it can be done.

As we read these words of wisdom, let us substitute a more suitable word for You.

I choose acceptance! I choose serenity! I choose to sit and be with what is arising.


It is so incredibly difficult to understand the reason for our slide; our first slip from sobriety. It happens and we question, "how could this happen." It did happen. There is strength in acceptance and moving forward.

I know there is a fighting dog part of me that sees struggle as heroic and engaging with the demon. That is the ego talking. That is bullshit. Thoughts have no inherent substance to them. They rise and fall.
The quickest way to let a thought pass is to not engage it. Not entertain it and definately not struggle with it.


The quickest way to let a thought pass is to not engage it. Not entertain it and definitely not struggle with it.
So that is today's commitment. Drop the struggle. Let it go!

And all this from the kindness and understanding of a very wise sponsor. As you said earlier... Bless Him.

Peace
« Last Edit: April 02, 2016, 07:36:15 AM by bob »

harry

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Re: The journey
« Reply #455 on: April 02, 2016, 01:29:00 PM »
Great post today, FF! Glad you made it through without watching porn.

I really like your comments on struggling. When I allow the struggling to overwhelm me, I become a big victim - then, I feel sorry for myself, and we all know where that leads.


Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #456 on: April 02, 2016, 05:31:50 PM »
Thanks Bob and Harry for your support. Its been a bit of a strange day. Left in a bit of a no mans land after yesterdays events. But went through the motions. Did a few meditations and got out on the bike. Good chat with partner tonight so everything in the open. Yes Bob. Switch you for I indeed. Talking to myself! Its the first sign of madness.   :)
Anyway all good. Day at a time. FF

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #457 on: April 03, 2016, 01:45:23 AM »
Day 5 block 5
So good to still be sober. Still a little shaken from the near call I had. So need to put the work in over the coming days to get mind on track. Connect to what is important and true. Choose love and life. Porn is not am option.
Have a good day. FF

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #458 on: April 03, 2016, 08:15:37 AM »
So todays meditation was on the emptiness of a perceived or projected inheirant quality.

Choose either attraction or revulsion from your life. Person place, thing, situation. Hold it in your mind and explore its nature. Notice how it appears to be separate from the mind. As if it is external... cause of attraction or revulsion.

 That it appears to have this inheirant quality.. in my case to attract and excite.

A good bit of the meditation is just to hold this 'object' to mind and notice how mind perceives it. I have an image or scene which persistently causes disturbance to my mind. (Or appears to from my side.) So I used this today.

The next stage is to seek out and find within its parts exactly where is this inheirant quality which so excites me. As I disassembled the scene and image  in my mind and studied each part in isolation the scene began to loose its attractive quality. Its apparent inheirant nature dissolved in front of me. It reminded me so clearly of that post porn orgasm mind change. I'm sure I am not alone here. It is an extraordinary phenmonina.

What appears in one moment to be more attractive and compelling than anything in the world. ( for the duration of your porn session) eyes glued. Then orgasm happens and I don't know about anyone else but I can't shut down quick enough. The images that were so compelling, exciting, exotic, beautiful, in one single moment dissolve into repulsion or simply complete lack of interest the next. The exact opposite. In that moment I am appalled. Disgusted. Horrified. Can't close the lid quick enough.

This is a moment that I never reflect on. But I should. I will. Because there is much to be learned here. What it tells me is that this is all in the mind. The mind obsessed believes that the object. Porn in this case. has inherient qualities that capture us.

This is the cold light of day that helps us see this delusion. That image that we see when we close the lid is the same one we have been getting off on. But now it is powerless? How can that be? Answer. BECAUSE IT ALWAYS WAS AND IS POWERLESS!!! it is arising from the side of the mind not the side of the object as it appears.

Our habit is to hold to mind only the aspect of the image that excites. Anything else we reject instantly. But...
Holding that image to mind that we instantly want rid of helps us to see it for what it is and LET GO of what we project onto it loosening our hold onto it rather that its perceived hold onto us.

Ok so this might seem like a lot of babble to some. I apologize if it isn't very clear. Still grappling with it myself.

I put it down as a reminder to myself. Maybe it will resonate with someone.
Best.
FF
« Last Edit: April 03, 2016, 08:42:32 AM by Feetfirst »

Leon

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Re: The journey
« Reply #459 on: April 03, 2016, 11:15:13 AM »
This did make a lot of sense, FF. It resonated with me. I can relate to the stark contrast before and during the acting out session, and then the thoughts immediately following. It's like after the deed, one wakes up and snaps out of the bewildering fantasy.

Good job in walking away, from not only what you were struggling with, but from the struggle itself.

I so appreciate Buddhist philosophy when it relates to addiction. There are several books out there now, "Mindfulness and OCD" (for example), or "Mindfulness and Addiction", I peruse these books once in a while.

Peace.

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #460 on: April 04, 2016, 01:57:33 AM »
Day 6 block 5
Hey Leon. Good to hear from you my friend. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Really appreciated. I feel so grateful to be marking another day sober. I give thanks. I feel like yesterday was a turning point for me. I found a powerful tool to dilute a dilusion, used it and it worked.

So I will use this week to build on that, clearing the mind and also clearing the energy pathways of negativity.

Attending to re establishing my physical practices this week is a core commitment and I l look forward to it. Yesterdays practice left me blissed out. Like a load of misery had been lifted off me.
 
I know its not a one time thing. It needs to be routine. Stop doing it and the shit rises up again. Its a bit like washing the dishes. You just have to do it. You can either do it with resistance or joy. I choose joy!  Accept this is what is required of me to maintain a happy mind and do it with joy.

Struggling is not an option. Have a good day. FF
« Last Edit: April 04, 2016, 02:03:22 AM by Feetfirst »

AndyNJ

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Re: The journey
« Reply #461 on: April 04, 2016, 09:20:24 PM »
FF, there's a great deal of hard earned wisdom in your posts.  I've read them from the beginning and they're keeping me going.  The main thing I think you've done is to make your own thought processes conscious, so that in and of itself defeats them.  That's my big take away, and I'm emulating that approach.  Thanks for the inspiration!

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #462 on: April 05, 2016, 04:14:06 AM »
Day 7. Block 5
I give thanks for another day sober. Thank you Andy for your kind words. This is the wonderful thing about RN and recovery groups in general is that by our own efforts in helping ourselves we help each other.

 Your journey is my journey and my journey is your journey. "The greatest delusion of all is that we are separate" Einstein. What wisdom that man had. Could as easily have been the words of the Bhudda.

So got my practice done before breakfast today. Feel energised and wholesome. When the mind is in this condition acting out seems like a distant and foolish memory.

Setting intention every day is so important. A comment here on intention...
If every action is necessarily preceded by an intention. And every action is the cause of future happiness or misery. (Seeds planted on the mental continuum).

This then makes intention the single most important mental factor or cause of our future happiness or misery, wisdom or foolishness.

Unless we conciously choose a positive intention we ultimately unconciously choose a negative intention.

Setting my intention helps me choose the seeds I want to plant.

 So even if I fail in meeting my intention it does not matter. It is still a positive seed planted. Set it and reset it every day and it will only grow stronger.

Today is dedicated to recovery. Meditation and reading. Meeting later. Committing to keeping recovery in the day. Day at a time.
May kindness prevail.
FF
« Last Edit: April 05, 2016, 06:50:08 PM by Feetfirst »

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #463 on: April 05, 2016, 10:04:00 AM »
A couple of lovely quotes I came across today from Thich Nat Hanh.
"The boat of mindfulness can help us not sink into the river of suffering"

and

"The address if happiness, peace and stability is the here and now".

Enjoy. FF

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #464 on: April 06, 2016, 01:41:02 AM »
Day 8. Block 5.
I give thanks for another day sober. Troble sleeping. Bit stressed.

 I recognize a quality in me that needs a light shone on it.

It is the belief of not feeling good enough. Defective.

Hand in hand with this belief is the desire to be the best a desire to be at the top of the pile and an arrogant secret superiority. All at the same time believing myself to be at the bottom/defective. Wow. No wonder I'm so messed up! :)

 This need for perfection with a Belief System of opposing 'values' is cause of much stress and resultant sense of resentment followed by a sense of entitlement. Perfect set up for addictive behaviour.

Being in the middle is not good enough. I know this is an inherited attitude from my parents and background but it is no excuse.

Only I am responsible for the upkeep of my mind. No one else.

 Finding the humility to be happy in the middle ground, the mindfulness to accept that which is arising and the equanimity to be unshaken by the extremes, to be content where I am in this monent and with who I am is my goal for today.

Ok a big ask.
Maybe I need to break it down a bit.
 But one that can be reasked every day.

I am ok.

I arrive here and now into this moment and let it all go. None of it means anything.

It is all delusion.

 Arrive in the moment. Come to my senses. I hear the stir of traffic in the distance. I am aware of my loved one asleep beside me. How peaceful she seems. I am blessed. Just about to leave for a few days break. Its going to be good. I commit to letting go of this stressy mind or at least not entertaining or doing battle with it.
Acceptance of the here and now.

Recovery. Day at a time. Have a good day.
FF

notgivinup

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Re: The journey
« Reply #465 on: April 06, 2016, 03:08:53 PM »
Hey FF....Thanks for your honest post. I identify.

I have always liked your posts...you have been an encouragement to me along the way.

I know that the longer I am away from pmo...the more stuff I realize and actually see about my own life. Sometimes it stinks...because I see where all the losses have been in my life BECAUSE I spent so much time with my head buried in pmo. But, then eventually....I've been able to start getting up and moving on with my life.

You are doing the same...day by day...each step away from pmo is a step toward embracing life.

I'm glad you are here.

NGU

Gabriel1960

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Re: The journey
« Reply #466 on: April 06, 2016, 07:24:20 PM »
FF
You're a real inspiration to me.
That drive for perfectionism actually has a name.  It's called "Scrupulosity."  It has actually been identified as an addiction in and of itself.  Those prone to addiction are common sufferers from it.  There even is a 12 step fellowship out there called "Scruples Anonymous." 
Scrupulosity is like having termites in your brain.  It eats away and the very foundation of our intellect!
We all need to learn how to let it go.
Thanks for listening,

Gabriel







Gabriel1960

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Re: The journey
« Reply #467 on: April 06, 2016, 07:25:25 PM »
BTW:  Today I have 19 years free from alcohol and drugs.

Gabriel

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #468 on: April 07, 2016, 01:31:23 AM »
Day 9. Block 5
Gabriel congratulations!!!!!
19 years drug and alcohol free. That is truly awesome. To be told I am an inspiration by a giant with that kind of time under his belt is a compliment indeed. Well done! Interesting comments on perfectionism too. Thanks for that. Thanks NGU too for your supportive comments good to hear from you my friend. Always enjoy your company here.
My mother had a saying "Perfection is the enemy of the good"
She was also the living embodiment of the statement. She was a wonderful woman but perfectionism crippled her in many ways.
 Bless her.I owe her so much. If I have any real regret it is not expressing my appreciation for my mothers love. I didn't always see it cause she had trouble expressing her feelings overtly. But she was there for me in every other way.. Gratitude.It's never too late. Thank you mum.

I know one thing she would be proud of me making a daily jounal and committing to recovery. I am glad she never knew about this aspect of my life. It would have caused her unspeakable pain. Sex was an absolutely unspoken subject. A major taboo for her. Maybe why it became such an attration for me. Who knows.

In the end it doesn't matter where the weeds came from just that they are removed. Not everything requires analysis.

I give thanks for another day sober. In a hotel room. Had all the opportunity last night on my own. Used to be a major trigger. Didn't even entertain the idea. So thats something worth celebrating. Progress. Day at a time.
Have a good day. FF
« Last Edit: April 07, 2016, 01:40:49 AM by Feetfirst »

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #469 on: April 08, 2016, 04:44:59 AM »
Day 10. Block 5.
I give thanks for another day sober. Spending some time with family. Comes with all the joys and challenges. It has been good to be able to speak openly of my recovery. Real progress. All good. Keep well. FF

gummianka

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Re: The journey
« Reply #470 on: April 08, 2016, 06:05:10 AM »
good read.

what do you mean with "block"?, as in day 4, block 5 etc
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

notgivinup

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Re: The journey
« Reply #471 on: April 08, 2016, 01:53:33 PM »
FF...so glad you are here. Great job on almost 70 days away from p.

NGU

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #472 on: April 09, 2016, 01:20:33 AM »
Day 11 block 5
Thank you Gummianka and NGU. Gum it is a counting system I use. Each block is worth 15 days. It keeps it bite sized and helps avoid recovery vertigo. I am using it to see me through my first 90 days. I will reassess from there. It may appear counting obsessed but it is the opposite. For me it makes the number abstract and therefore meaningless. Have a good day FF

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #473 on: April 09, 2016, 01:43:39 AM »
picking up on previous post as just battery died. Same day. Just had a few days with family. Made some fairly strong disclosures to my sister and heard some of hers. It is good progress but I am now in process mode and feeling slightly shellshocked by it all. When the facade that we have all be maintaining since year dot begins to peel away a bit it can feel quite disconcerting. So I commit to reconnect to my practices which keep me safe and help me process these painful feelings without resistance. Today i go to a talk on addiction so really looking forward to that. What a few days it has been. Also doing my share for first time next week. Sitting in front of a group of people and sharing my strength, hope and experience. Feeling anxious about that. i know this is ego talking. I was having a giggle at myself yesterday as I obsessessed about doing a good share or not doing a bad one. Only an addict would be competitive with himself over how badly he had messed up his life! But there you are.  :-\
Have a good day. FF

bob

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Re: The journey
« Reply #474 on: April 09, 2016, 08:01:21 AM »
Only an addict would be competitive with himself over how badly he had messed up his life!

Oh FF,

I am so excited on how far you have come in this journey.

I only hope that I can continue to come back to where I am proud of what I have accomplished. I know it is only one step at a time, that it is what one will accomplish next that's important but sometimes it seems to bear down on me. At times this process of sobriety is so tenuous .

Somehow I need to be that person, not try to be that person.

Peace