Author Topic: The journey  (Read 113829 times)

Feetfirst

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The journey
« on: December 19, 2014, 06:52:28 PM »
Well hello, this is pretty weird for me. My first post ever... I have been addicted to porn and masturbation for probably 20/30 years now.  a result I have been carrying around a huge amount of guilt and shame which of course has only fuelled the fire. The worse you feel, the more you act out the more you act out the worse you feel. The more shame the less able you are to expose your shame to another. The feeling of being trapped with this unacceptable dis ease has been with me for far too long.  I am realising now that for me the only way to 'out' this problem is by opening out to others and seeking help, regardless of how excruciating it is. So here I am. For too many years have I tried to conquer this alone. I have to get the message. It won't work! So thank you for being there! I have certainly suffered consequences as a result of porn addiction, even lost good relationships. But even that hasn't been enough to force me to quit for good. It certainly messes with your mental health and that really is the worst of all. After all without that there can never be happiness. I am not a bad person, even though I often feel as though I am. Much of the rest of my life is dedicated to helping people improve their lives in one way or another, so porn addiction is such an anomaly in my life. It is not compatible with my life and seductive as it is I don't want it, and I don't need it! Although of course the addicted mind is very skilful at telling you/me the exact opposite. However, because it is such an anomaly it has for too long allowed shame to rule the day and feed the idea of being unworthy etc. The reality is we are not our addictions but it is realising it that matters. I am only a week free now but I really do want to be completely free from this monster.
I have started counselling to explore the root causes of the addiction and that has been a monumental step for me and feels good at least to speak to a real person and admit I need help. I have tried so many times to stop but this time hopefully by putting myself out there and getting (and giving) support it will be different. I has to be different!

tryinghard46

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Re: The journey
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2014, 09:55:14 PM »
Good for you feetfirst!  I have some of the same issues with this addiction that you described so I feel where you're at.  Does the counselor help?  I've been thinking of doing that too but haven't taken that step yet.  Keep at it - don't give up!

ianmac

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Re: The journey
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2014, 11:06:13 PM »
Good to see you here, feetfirst.  You're definitely not alone.  I'm glad to see you're starting to make a change.  Don't give up, no matter what.  Failure or not, keep going.  Many people are here for you, myself included.

IH

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2014, 03:58:18 AM »
Thank you Ianmac for your supportive words, it is so good not to feel alone in this. Isolation is the killer! Thank you too tryinghard46! And yes I strongly recommend a counsellor, but try and choose one that has some experience in this specific field. I think being able to speak openly and freely to a third party that makes no judgement and is solely there for your well being is in itself a very powerful thing. The cost too is a motivating factor, as it ain't cheap! So I have put a time limit on it 6 weeks and that's it. The main thing now is to maintain a calm mind. When my mind is calm I have no interest in porn and m. But the agitated mind quickly becomes discontent and enters into the cycle of craving and resisting. The more you crave the more you resist, and when you are that cycle it is hard to get off. So calm the mind and be creative in distracting the mind to more productive avenues. That is my personal goal for today. Life is good!

Secondhalf

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Re: The journey
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2014, 05:30:10 AM »
If I could put into words what I am feeling it would be this post excactly.  I am seeing a therapist to find out WHY it was my outlet.  I felt scared to even say 30 years but that is the case.  I am struggling a bit with the counselor because they have an attitude of that I am over guilty and that my use of porn is common.  I am learnig it is more common than I thought from this sight, but cognative behavioral therapy and masturbating without porn is not the answer which they are suggesting.  I dont think many doctors and therapists are aware of the neurolgical changes and the memory locked in our tissues.  I am still going to get answers as to why i went down this path but for now abstinence temporarilly is rest for my brain and hopefully my body, testicles, penis, pelvis will follow which I believe ihas already started.  I pmo'd 3x in past 2 months, better but not gone and finally feel strong enough to embrace the withdrawal which I am strong enough to overcome

Thanks for your words!

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2014, 06:39:54 AM »
Greetings Secondhalf, good to hear from you and glad my post resonated with you, porn addiction on a societal level I believe is monumental. Far greater than any of us are aware of. The free ease of access to highly addictive material is really very scary. Your therapist is right it is common but that doesn't make it ok. It's only ok if it doesn't harm you or others and it evidently is harming you/us or we wouldn't be here trying so hard to escape this addiction. And as to harming others well yes porn does harm others. What starts out as harmless always ends up abusive in one form or another. Whilst you can never know what is and isn't the safest thing to do is "don't do it!" So yes I think you are right. Abstinence is the only way. But everything is about how we perceive things and so long as we perceive porn as a pleasure denied the dripping tap will get us in the end. I am trying train my brain to understand that this is not a pleasure, it is a fix, dressed up as a pleasure. That the pleasure is only a perceived pleasure. a release of agitation, perceived as pleasure caused by the presence of  the addiction. Starve the porn monster and eventually it will die and the mind will see it for what it is. A nasty trick of the mind. Of course I could be talking complete nonsense. But it has worked for me in giving up smoking (the easy way alan Carr very good book with transferable knowledge) and let's face it. Addiction is Addiction. Good luck dude. Keep me posted. FF

Secondhalf

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Re: The journey
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2014, 09:17:59 AM »
Well said again...It is pleasure dressed up.  I will kee you posted.  Happy holidays!

Reformed Fapper

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Re: The journey
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2014, 11:07:01 PM »
Keep going mate! Its an evil thing that poisons your life and seeps into the lives of those around you. Remember whats important and look forward!
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2014, 12:36:28 PM »
Listening to a lecture on the nature of the mind I thought I would share my interpretation. It makes me realize that porn is not the problem but the deluded mind of desirous attachment is the real enemy here. Just as not everyone who drinks alcohol becomes an alcoholic not everyone who views porn becomes a porn addict. So the issue clearly does not lie on the side of the object. Nasty as porn may well be. The problem lies on the side of deluded mind that perceives it. The problem is when we perceive or remember the object/porn we 'feel' it to be attractive and indeed the source of happiness. As happiness is the only thing we really want in life this the becomes enormously attractive to us.(Because of our particular make up, porn ticks our box, where for another it might be food, gambling or alcohol). As a result we develop 'inappropriate attention' by focusing  exclusively to its good qualities to the exclusion of all else, we rapidly become attached to it. Here the deluded mind of desirous attachment has established itself. So the deluded mind is applying pure logic. "This is the source of happiness, therefore the more I have of it, the happier I will be" Makes sense right? We all know the power of that delusion and crashing feeling when we suddenly wake up to the harsh reality of the porn hangover and the realisation that we have been tricked again. It isn't the source of happiness, it never was and never will be. It's an illusion! but nor is it the source of our suffering! So to really deal with this we have to deal with the real source, the deluded mind of desirous attachment. Identifying the enemy is first step. Yippee! Step one complete! ;) FF

ianmac

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Re: The journey
« Reply #9 on: December 27, 2014, 10:05:31 PM »
So glad to see you're making progress and learning about the addiction.  We're staying with you and are on the same course.  Good job on the counter and K9.
IM

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2014, 05:44:38 AM »
Family, much as we love them are the most complex cocktail of emotion that we are likely to experience and when it all gets too much it is all to easy to revert to our fix!
  I am trying to train myself to understand is that only  I am responsible for how I feel. Nobody is making me feel the way I feel. Much as it feels that the unreasonable behaviour of certain family members is to blame for how I feel, ultimately I feel is a choice. We can embrace our family in all their complexities and accept them for what they are.

 Choosing compassion over anger. Patience over frustration. Kindness over meanness. Or we can enter into conflict and blame giving ourselves a bag load of fuel that has no where to go except the well trodden path of ... Agitation, frustration, escapism, fapping,  porn. It has been helpful to me to write this down as I am going through the same battle myself. Feeling emotional and struggling to keep on the path. Understanding the brain is one thing, understanding the mind is another thing altogether!

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2015, 05:37:06 AM »
Well.. made it through the festive period. Reason to cheerful! Probably the hardest time of year to start quitting it feels good to have come through that little patch. It has been a real roller coaster of a ride. The mind messing with me big time. At certain points feeling quite delirious with brain fog which I found very distressing, still do to a degree and sure I'm not through it all yet that's for sure. But enjoying a moment of calm between storms is something. Once again I express my gratitude to you all for making this site the wonderful place of support that it is. We are all on a wonderful journey and the idea of being completely free of porn for the rest of the journey is a most joyful one! Rejoice in the moment and be happy to be alive.

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2015, 07:02:53 AM »
Something I wrote out some time ago using framework form book porn on the brain I think it was called.
 
For my own purpose I copy out here. Maybe of some use to someone else. Here it is ...

I want to be someone who is honest and trustworthy. I cannot use porn AND be honest and trustworthy because using porn demands me to be secretive and therefore dishonest.

I want to be someone who feels proud of themself. I cannot use porn and be proud of myself because using porn makes me feel guilty and ashamed.

I want to feel light and free of fear. I cannot use porn and feel light and free of fear because the secrecy and shame of porn use makes fear inevitable.

I want to be someone who loves with the whole being and not just the sexual. I cannot achieve this as porn blunts all other senses especially the more subtle aspects of being.

I want to be someone with complete integrity I cannot use porn and have complete integrity because it is not ethical, it is abusive and its use results in a conflict of integrity and brings me to war with myself.

I want to be someone who spending time being creative. I cannot use porn and be creative as porn use creates so many blocks in the brain and clouds the mind which hamper my natural creativity.

I want to be someone who keeps my word and follows through on my commitments. My number one commitment is to not use porn. Porn use is not compatible with this commitment.

I want to be someone who demonstrates respect for woman. I cannot use porn and demonstrate respect for woman as this is clearly an incompatible action. Porn is abusive to woman.

I want to be someone who is free from addictions and compulsions. I cannot use porn and be free from addictions and compulsions because porn use is highly addictive and I do not have control over it.

I want to be someone who is physically and emotionally healthy. I cannot use porn and be physically and emotionally healthy as porn use creates massive emotional disturbances which in turn impacts on the body too.

I want to be someone who isn't supporting the porn industry in anyway way. I cannot use porn and meet this objective.

I want to feel like I'm a good person. I cannot use porn and feel like I am a good person as porn use creates feelings of unworthiness, self loathing, guilt and generates NO good feelings toward self whatsoever!

I want to feel like I am someone who is in control of their impulses. I cannot use porn and feel in control of my impulses as I am powerless in the face of porn where I will only ever be victim and never master.

I want to be someone who has self-confidence and self respect. I cannot use porn and be self-confident self-respect because porn use undermines all positive feelings about self and only generates negativity towards the self.

I want to be someone who is ethical and respectful. I cannot watch porn and be ethical and respectful to human rights as porn is a slippery slope leading into an ever more murky world.

I want to feel at peace with myself. I cannot use porn and be at peace with myself because watching porn brutalises my mind, staining it with images that ensure peace does not come to me.

I want to be someone who is free of guilt and shame. I cannot watch porn and be free of guilt and shame as porn use is very fuel of this fire.

I want to be someone who honours woman for what they are and not too objectify them. Porn use is clearly incompatible with objective.

Porn use is clearly incompatible with all my values and goals in life.
 I do not need porn I do not want porn.
I joyfully let it go!!!!

I have found writing this personal statement out very helpful and re reading it to build my commitment. I hope this will help someone out there, cheers, FF


Jimmy James

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Re: The journey
« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2015, 07:09:02 AM »
OUTSTANDING!

Dharmabum

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Re: The journey
« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2015, 07:43:09 AM »
That list of goals is outstanding, feet first.  It points you toward where you want to go, not just what you want to move away from.  That's critical.  It's not enough to extinguish the negative, we have to illuminate the positive to feel like we're living with purpose.  You've got some great goals outlined there.  Rock on!

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2015, 10:49:56 AM »
Thank you Jimmy and Dharmabum I appreciate your support, FF

Patrick

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Re: The journey
« Reply #16 on: January 03, 2015, 11:28:41 AM »
Hey Feetfirst, I started to cry when I read your list. SO SO SO SO SO SO TRUE!!! Thanks a lot for sharing this with us. You're a good man.


Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #17 on: January 03, 2015, 01:47:02 PM »
My goodness Patrick, I'm very touched. I'm glad it resonated with you. We never know the difference we make. Keep safe and thank you, FF

lyon03

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Re: The journey
« Reply #18 on: January 03, 2015, 02:33:37 PM »
Hey brother. This is a very moving, honest, and courageous thread. I look forward to following your journey. You are not alone. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

ianmac

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Re: The journey
« Reply #19 on: January 03, 2015, 08:42:23 PM »
FF, thanks for sharing your list.  It is very powerful.  I couldn't have said it better.  Never give up.
IM

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #20 on: January 04, 2015, 07:29:36 AM »
Lyon 03 and Ianmac, thanks for your ongoing support. Glad to see you both are doing well too. May 2015 be victorious for us all!

ChangeNow

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Re: The journey
« Reply #21 on: January 04, 2015, 01:39:33 PM »
I really enjoyed your list. It is something that I agree with and will review from time to time. Ingraining those truths into my brain permanently.

Feetfirst

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Re: The journey
« Reply #22 on: January 24, 2015, 05:24:40 AM »
Having had some time away and 42 days pmo free but starting to feel the slip! Eek! So here I am re connecting with you guys in the effort not to slide any futher. I clearly need to.build in stronger defences. Having been a bit stressed last couple of weeks from overwork and then horny and slipping into fantasy of P. Although I am immediately fighting against it I feel almost like the tide is against me. It is a very frightening prospect to get dragged back in. Also dreaming of relapse. Very disturbing. So here I am today seeking your help acknowledging I cannot do this on my own. This pride filled idea that I can conquer on my own needs to be knocked properly on the head. Any views on this welcome. There is a clear line here between not visiting here regularly and feeling how I do right now. So I commit now to visit on a daily basis to clean and clear my mind of the delusions that porn is a solution. The following are the two most useful intentions for today;
I want to feel like I'm a good person. I cannot use porn and feel like I am a good person as porn use creates feelings of unworthiness, self loathing, guilt and generates NO good feelings toward self whatsoever! Porn use is clearly incompatible with all my values and goals in life.
 I do not need porn I do not want porn.
I joyfully let it go!!!!

ianmac

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Re: The journey
« Reply #23 on: January 24, 2015, 09:57:47 PM »
Hey Feetfirst,

I'm so glad you came back before you slipped any further.  It's extra hard to resist when you're feeling down.  I know it helps tremendously when you involve others in your struggle.  I'm not sure ANYONE can do it completely alone.  I definitely can't.  You don't have to be alone.  Glad you came back.

You're absolutely right about the wake of shame that follows falling to PMO.  Sometimes we can manage to feel like a good person while using, but then we have to be dishonest.  I think it's better to be honest and feel bad, but determine to do something about it.  So the knowledge that PMOing will trigger the shame stuff ("...feelings of unworthiness, self loathing, guilt and generates NO good feelings toward self whatsoever!") is real motivation to keep your butt on here, especially if you get the urge.

Congrats on 44 days.

Ian

« Last Edit: January 24, 2015, 10:00:26 PM by ianmac »

ready2go

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Re: The journey
« Reply #24 on: January 25, 2015, 12:57:59 AM »
Your posts have been inspiring.  I'm glad you came back to be with us.  We will  hold you up as long as you need.  That's not you trying to slip, it's the habit giving up and screaming out once again as it goes.  You are not a bad person, you are a great person moving toward your and our betterment.  Your courage and generosity in sharing your story, goals, and trials honors us.  Thank you for being here with and for us.


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