I wish that more women participated in this forum on an ongoing basis. There is so much need for them to be here. There is a need for them to all know there is hope. That there is healing. That they can get through to the other side. I have seen a lot of men truly grow and become better husbands, boyfriends as a result of staying to course. The ones that seem to do best are the ones that realize that intimacy is the key. That letting your partner into your world is worth its weight in gold. My husband no longer has the wall up that he stays behind and is "strong". He shares, he is more relaxed than he has ever been. I too have learned that I now have a husband I can share things with and he listens. It has taken me three years to really get to where I feel I am on the far side of this addiction. It has taken a lot of stepping out of my comfort zone emotionally to get here. But, it was worth it. I am glad he stepped out of his comfort zone as well. He has consistently said, "Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes." And he has lived those words.Peace
Well I have not posted for a bit. We are doing great. Although the other day we discussed how many areas of our life were affected during his PA. Talked about the effects on us, the kids, doing things to our house. How checked out he was. Those hindsight glasses are like lit flashing arrows pointing out the things that we SOs did not understand that were different and did not know why. If only people knew, it is like throwing a pebble in to a still pond and watching the ripples go on and on and on. So on discovery for me it was survival mode. My survival, the survival of our relationship. At that moment and for a long time after it does not sink in that this affected absolutely everything. Then as we start to re-bond at the broken places and "renovate", we start seeing the other things. Then sometimes we (both of us) grieve the lost time. Then we make a stronger commitment to this "new relationship" that we have with each other. For him he is surprised that sex is not the most important thing anymore. It helps us bond and we do not neglect this part of our relationship anymore. But, it is not the be all end all. We are important to each other in a deeper way.
I would like to share that my husband was on an overnight trip and I did not worry. At all! I am so proud. I did not have to call him a lot or text a bunch it was all wonderfully normal. And I slept. I did not keep waking up did not have trouble going to sleep. This is a big step for me. So happy with how far he and I have come! Celebration!
Today my husband had some surgery. I noticed how we took care of each other. Without effort. We truly care for each other and I was happy to get him the things he needs and he wanted caresses to make him feel better.
I know that it is the way it is supposed to be. But it was not that way for a number of years. We would each say we like to be alone and take care of ourselves / In retrospect, we were no connecting. At All. And now without effort we are there for each other.!! Amazing how the "normal" feels so amazing@
Amazing how the "normal" feels so amazing@
We have had some interesting talks on how with his surgery I do not need to turn to porn to handle what is going on. Then we talk about what drove his need to turn to porn even more during that time. And then compare it with the research that is showing that when a wife is ill the marriage is more likely to end in divorce but if the husband is ill the women stay with their man.What drives this difference? Any thoughts?