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Surprise

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Gracie:
 :)Hello, there are familiar looking people here.  I am here because a year and a half ago, I discovered my husband's porn use.  So, It was a surprise!  (name of my journal)  I will try in the next few days to go over that experience.  We are well on our way to finally getting through this.  But I see so much pain in the addicted and their partners trying to work this out.  Hopefully, as I tell the story, there will be things learned.  Good to be in a place that will hopefully not be upset when we talk about the feelings we have being betrayed.  For from time to time we really do not understand what got us and our partner here.  Sometimes we can't keep ourselves going let alone the partner.

The first question I will ask is, when a woman gets sick, why does a man turn to porn rather than talk to a wife of 25 years about what she could do?  or in light of the added chores, decides porn is the way to unwind.

That is where I will begin my next post.

Gabe Deem:
Hey Gracie!


--- Quote ---I am here because a year and a half ago, I discovered my husband's porn use.
--- End quote ---

You are an amazing person and I am thankful for women like you who are compassionate and supportive. Your insight and experience will surely help many other partners, as well as addicts who need to hear that honesty and openness are good things.


--- Quote ---Good to be in a place that will hopefully not be upset when we talk about the feelings we have being betrayed.
--- End quote ---

Your experience is your experience and no one can tell you otherwise. If you ever feel like anyone breaks any of these rules stated in the registration agreement:

* No ad hominem attacks.
* Be positive and supportive.
* Respect that others may have a different approach.
* Everyone has the right to an opinion.
* We are all here to help one another.
* If you don't have anything positive to contribute please don't comment.
Message me or a forum moderator and we will take care of it ASAP.


--- Quote ---The first question I will ask is, when a woman gets sick, why does a man turn to porn rather than talk to a wife of 25 years about what she could do?  or in light of the added chores, decides porn is the way to unwind
--- End quote ---

If a guy has been watching porn for years, he has sexually conditioned himself to want and not a real partner. When his brains reward circuit has become "numbed" , things like spending time with a sick wife, waiting for sex until she gets better, and doing chores around the house, will not register as rewarding. It takes some time off the super stimulation of porn for guys to appreciate the little things and be willing to wait for the the bigger things. In a way porn programs us for "instant gratification" and we become impatient and irritated with waiting and chores, so we take the highway created in our brain to pleasure-ville, instead of paving a new road. The easy way out, and it is what we wired our brains to do. A guy has to get to a place where he understands that highway (porn) will not lead him to a place of sustaining joy that a loving partner like you can.

Also, could be due to laziness, a lack of discipline, or simply selfishness. This was true for me in past relationships. I was selfish, I valued my pleasure, and joy over partners. Also, I never developed the discipline to stay focused on a relationship. You are well aware that long term monogamous relationships take effort from both partners, and it takes going through a little discomfort every now and then that I never went through. So when things turned sour after the "honeymoon" phase I resorted back to my childish ways. Playing games and watching porn, instead of pursuing a woman's heart, with time, thoughtfulness, and passion. For me, it was selfishness. I can only see it now that I am on the other side.

Also, guys usually do not put themselves in their partners shoes. For instance, if guys really sat back and thought about how it would feel if their partner secretly watched porn all the time, and was searching types of porn that do not necessarily match the type of person they are, I think they would feel differently about their porn viewing habits.

Ultimately it comes down to a guy not understanding that staying away from porn and exclusively giving himself to his partner will lead to greater joy, and in my opinion more pleasure. Finding out porn was keeping me from experiencing the most joy and pleasure in life, was key to me giving up porn for good. I believe we do everything for our own joy, some people just have different beliefs on how to get their. In my opinion weather we live selfishly or selflessly, we believe that way of living will be the best way. I found out the selfish way was the wrong choice.

Glad you are here, I have read many of your posts and they are always very helpful and encouraging for others!

Much love

Viper:
Sorry to hear about this challenge you are facing. I can not relate personally since I've never been married or been in a relationship for as long as you. I will say though that it does take a strong partner to be supportive and that this can be reversed. Wont' happen overnight but sometimes the best rewards take the most time to achieve. I guess the bright side is that it's porn and not real life affair. Just keep in mind that you didn't do anything wrong for him to be hooked.

Gracie:
First off, Gabe thank you for your response.  It seems from reading through men's journals when a wife or partner gets ill, it suddenly means no sex.  That is very disturbing to me.  That thought never crossed my mind when my husband had back surgery.  And perhaps men should try to reach out past themselves and see the forest not just the tree.  It would help so much.  And perhaps that is a good way to start.  In one area of your life, think about your wife or partner or someone else and how they would view what you are doing.  Not porn at the beginning, but how you do housework, do laudry, shop for groceries, do yard work.  View something you do from another's point of view.  i know that when my husband and I started working through this, we had to look at how we talked to each other and others, how we treated each other and ourselves.  We had to make sure what we said actually came out in a way that we understood.  A lot of times my husband would react and I would say that is not what I thought I was saying.  I had to look at how we weren't hearing each other.  Looking at ourselves from another's viewpoint helped a lot.

rainforth13:
Hi Gracie!

I just wanted to say that I am thankful you are here and sharing your story. People need to hear it!

You show great courage in sharing and even more so in staying with your husband. When I was in high school, my mom stayed with my dad after he had an affair, so I've always thought highly of women that possess enough grace, patience, and endurance to be there through the tough times of their partner's life.

The bad and good news is that people change throughout the course of their life, single or married. I believe your husband can one day be a different person then the one he was looking at porn for whatever reasons. There is hope! In a book I just read called "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller, there is a great few lines:

"When I married my wife, I had hardly a smidgen of sense for what I was getting into with her. How could I know how much she would change over 25 years? How could I know how much I would change? My wife has lived with at least five different men since we were wed--and each of the five has been me."

I don't know much about marriage, hence my reading and sharing from a source outside myself. I resort to Gabe's response on your question as he hit it right on the head. I hope you'll continue to share! Know that pain is on the near side of your situation but in the end you'll both be better for it and that joy is on the far side of it.

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