Author Topic: Surprise  (Read 39026 times)

Gracie

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 996
    • View Profile
Surprise
« on: March 09, 2014, 01:08:22 AM »
 :)Hello, there are familiar looking people here.  I am here because a year and a half ago, I discovered my husband's porn use.  So, It was a surprise!  (name of my journal)  I will try in the next few days to go over that experience.  We are well on our way to finally getting through this.  But I see so much pain in the addicted and their partners trying to work this out.  Hopefully, as I tell the story, there will be things learned.  Good to be in a place that will hopefully not be upset when we talk about the feelings we have being betrayed.  For from time to time we really do not understand what got us and our partner here.  Sometimes we can't keep ourselves going let alone the partner.

The first question I will ask is, when a woman gets sick, why does a man turn to porn rather than talk to a wife of 25 years about what she could do?  or in light of the added chores, decides porn is the way to unwind.

That is where I will begin my next post.

Gabe Deem

  • Administrator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 754
  • Personal Text
    I found out the soft way that porn is sex negative
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2014, 01:46:02 AM »
Hey Gracie!

Quote
I am here because a year and a half ago, I discovered my husband's porn use.

You are an amazing person and I am thankful for women like you who are compassionate and supportive. Your insight and experience will surely help many other partners, as well as addicts who need to hear that honesty and openness are good things.

Quote
Good to be in a place that will hopefully not be upset when we talk about the feelings we have being betrayed.

Your experience is your experience and no one can tell you otherwise. If you ever feel like anyone breaks any of these rules stated in the registration agreement:
  • No ad hominem attacks.
  • Be positive and supportive.
  • Respect that others may have a different approach.
  • Everyone has the right to an opinion.
  • We are all here to help one another.
  • If you don't have anything positive to contribute please don't comment.

Message me or a forum moderator and we will take care of it ASAP.

Quote
The first question I will ask is, when a woman gets sick, why does a man turn to porn rather than talk to a wife of 25 years about what she could do?  or in light of the added chores, decides porn is the way to unwind

If a guy has been watching porn for years, he has sexually conditioned himself to want and not a real partner. When his brains reward circuit has become "numbed" , things like spending time with a sick wife, waiting for sex until she gets better, and doing chores around the house, will not register as rewarding. It takes some time off the super stimulation of porn for guys to appreciate the little things and be willing to wait for the the bigger things. In a way porn programs us for "instant gratification" and we become impatient and irritated with waiting and chores, so we take the highway created in our brain to pleasure-ville, instead of paving a new road. The easy way out, and it is what we wired our brains to do. A guy has to get to a place where he understands that highway (porn) will not lead him to a place of sustaining joy that a loving partner like you can.

Also, could be due to laziness, a lack of discipline, or simply selfishness. This was true for me in past relationships. I was selfish, I valued my pleasure, and joy over partners. Also, I never developed the discipline to stay focused on a relationship. You are well aware that long term monogamous relationships take effort from both partners, and it takes going through a little discomfort every now and then that I never went through. So when things turned sour after the "honeymoon" phase I resorted back to my childish ways. Playing games and watching porn, instead of pursuing a woman's heart, with time, thoughtfulness, and passion. For me, it was selfishness. I can only see it now that I am on the other side.

Also, guys usually do not put themselves in their partners shoes. For instance, if guys really sat back and thought about how it would feel if their partner secretly watched porn all the time, and was searching types of porn that do not necessarily match the type of person they are, I think they would feel differently about their porn viewing habits.

Ultimately it comes down to a guy not understanding that staying away from porn and exclusively giving himself to his partner will lead to greater joy, and in my opinion more pleasure. Finding out porn was keeping me from experiencing the most joy and pleasure in life, was key to me giving up porn for good. I believe we do everything for our own joy, some people just have different beliefs on how to get their. In my opinion weather we live selfishly or selflessly, we believe that way of living will be the best way. I found out the selfish way was the wrong choice.

Glad you are here, I have read many of your posts and they are always very helpful and encouraging for others!

Much love
« Last Edit: March 09, 2014, 06:29:29 PM by Gabe Deem »
Twitter and Instagram @gabedeem

Viper

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 500
  • Personal Text
    pray not for lighter load but for broader shoulder
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2014, 05:06:16 AM »
Sorry to hear about this challenge you are facing. I can not relate personally since I've never been married or been in a relationship for as long as you. I will say though that it does take a strong partner to be supportive and that this can be reversed. Wont' happen overnight but sometimes the best rewards take the most time to achieve. I guess the bright side is that it's porn and not real life affair. Just keep in mind that you didn't do anything wrong for him to be hooked.

Gracie

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 996
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2014, 02:52:48 PM »
First off, Gabe thank you for your response.  It seems from reading through men's journals when a wife or partner gets ill, it suddenly means no sex.  That is very disturbing to me.  That thought never crossed my mind when my husband had back surgery.  And perhaps men should try to reach out past themselves and see the forest not just the tree.  It would help so much.  And perhaps that is a good way to start.  In one area of your life, think about your wife or partner or someone else and how they would view what you are doing.  Not porn at the beginning, but how you do housework, do laudry, shop for groceries, do yard work.  View something you do from another's point of view.  i know that when my husband and I started working through this, we had to look at how we talked to each other and others, how we treated each other and ourselves.  We had to make sure what we said actually came out in a way that we understood.  A lot of times my husband would react and I would say that is not what I thought I was saying.  I had to look at how we weren't hearing each other.  Looking at ourselves from another's viewpoint helped a lot.

rainforth13

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 37
  • Personal Text
    "Favorable conditions never come." -C.S. Lewis
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2014, 11:32:39 PM »
Hi Gracie!

I just wanted to say that I am thankful you are here and sharing your story. People need to hear it!

You show great courage in sharing and even more so in staying with your husband. When I was in high school, my mom stayed with my dad after he had an affair, so I've always thought highly of women that possess enough grace, patience, and endurance to be there through the tough times of their partner's life.

The bad and good news is that people change throughout the course of their life, single or married. I believe your husband can one day be a different person then the one he was looking at porn for whatever reasons. There is hope! In a book I just read called "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller, there is a great few lines:

"When I married my wife, I had hardly a smidgen of sense for what I was getting into with her. How could I know how much she would change over 25 years? How could I know how much I would change? My wife has lived with at least five different men since we were wed--and each of the five has been me."

I don't know much about marriage, hence my reading and sharing from a source outside myself. I resort to Gabe's response on your question as he hit it right on the head. I hope you'll continue to share! Know that pain is on the near side of your situation but in the end you'll both be better for it and that joy is on the far side of it.

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Surprise
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2014, 08:12:28 PM »
Hi Gracie! Hope all is well with you and yours.

Looking forward to this new forum.

lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2014, 11:29:47 PM »
First off, Gabe thank you for your response.  It seems from reading through men's journals when a wife or partner gets ill, it suddenly means no sex.  That is very disturbing to me.  That thought never crossed my mind when my husband had back surgery.  And perhaps men should try to reach out past themselves and see the forest not just the tree.  It would help so much.  And perhaps that is a good way to start.  In one area of your life, think about your wife or partner or someone else and how they would view what you are doing.  Not porn at the beginning, but how you do housework, do laudry, shop for groceries, do yard work.  View something you do from another's point of view.  i know that when my husband and I started working through this, we had to look at how we talked to each other and others, how we treated each other and ourselves.  We had to make sure what we said actually came out in a way that we understood.  A lot of times my husband would react and I would say that is not what I thought I was saying.  I had to look at how we weren't hearing each other.  Looking at ourselves from another's viewpoint helped a lot.
Welcome Gracie. It's great to have you with us.

You pose an interesting question and I have a solution, albeit not universally popular. As I see it, a man has to be prepared to weather a sexual drought. There are plenty of events in life that require this, pregnancy and childbirth, illness, extended travel that keeps mates apart, you name it.

It's been over 440 days since my last ejaculation and I'm doing fine. I now know that I can weather the storm. It doesn't become more difficult with time, if anything it becomes easier. I believe that all men need to be confident of their ability to weather a long drought.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

Jverhoye

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 171
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2014, 05:11:07 PM »
Hi Gracie:

I wanted to offer a response to the "unwinding with porn" question you raised.  Prior to going through a treatment program for Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB), porn was my outlet for soothing my anxiety and "unwinding" after a hard day.  For me, it really didn't matter what was going on with my wife, and at times I could be very attentive to her needs.  Still, because of how I had conditioned my brain through extensive porn use, I craved the dopamine rush I would get from my porn viewing.  I'm guessing a lot of guys can relate to this, and for the guys who are married or in relationships, this is one of the biggest balancing acts--trying to rein in my selfishness and be attentive to my wife so she doesn't get suspicious and find out about my porn habit.   Also, I would justify my porn use and actually tell myself, "I'm a better husband with porn in my life because it allows me to relieve my anxiety and be more attentive to my wife."  These are some of the twisted thoughts that were going through my mind when I was using porn.

Gracie

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 996
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2014, 12:23:03 PM »
Yes I know it is a way to unwind.  The problem comes when the wife or partner is turned away from.  Which is the beginning of my story.  This may come in bits and pieces because sometimes it is difficult to recall as it is still painful.

I knew something was wrong because we were not having sex very often.  His idea of tonight's the night was to slap me on the butt at some point during the day.  And of course then I dreaded it because it did not feel like making love.  I tried to say sit next to me, hold my hand, talk to me.  But he would sit in his recliner play solitaire on his palm pilot and watch tv.  He would have to stay up late because he wasn't sleepy. I went to bed to early.  Then I had some painful health issues so he would stay and sleep on couch so I could have the bed.  We had all the movie channels so he would watch.  In fact he would make sure I was in bed, had taken my medicine to help me sleep all around 10 which was when the porn would be on.  Every night.  I started to think he wanted to leave me.  We were in our late 50's and I thought is this it roomates forever?  I thought he was watching and there were little things.   I will talk about them later.  And then as we always did, we had sex before we would be apart because of a trip.  We had sex before I went to visit grandkids.  I woke up and went downstairs for a drink and Cinemax was on with porn.  He had fell asleep with it on.  Right after we had sex.  I was devastated and was yelling and hollering and hurt and crying.  He said Jesus Christ I was asleep.  I said bull shit!  Then the next day  i had to leave to go away for a week.  It was awful!  Will post more later.

Jverhoye

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 171
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2014, 12:48:25 PM »
Disconnection is, I believe, at the heart of the matter for so many couples, especially when Porn Addiction is involved.  Being turned away from sucks.  A friend turned me on to this book and it has made so much sense to me! 

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2014, 12:50:53 PM »
Yes I know it is a way to unwind.  The problem comes when the wife or partner is turned away from.  Which is the beginning of my story.  This may come in bits and pieces because sometimes it is difficult to recall as it is still painful.

I knew something was wrong because we were not having sex very often.  His idea of tonight's the night was to slap me on the butt at some point during the day.  And of course then I dreaded it because it did not feel like making love.  I tried to say sit next to me, hold my hand, talk to me.  But he would sit in his recliner play solitaire on his palm pilot and watch tv.  He would have to stay up late because he wasn't sleepy. I went to bed to early.  Then I had some painful health issues so he would stay and sleep on couch so I could have the bed.  We had all the movie channels so he would watch.  In fact he would make sure I was in bed, had taken my medicine to help me sleep all around 10 which was when the porn would be on.  Every night.  I started to think he wanted to leave me.  We were in our late 50's and I thought is this it roomates forever?  I thought he was watching and there were little things.   I will talk about them later.  And then as we always did, we had sex before we would be apart because of a trip.  We had sex before I went to visit grandkids.  I woke up and went downstairs for a drink and Cinemax was on with porn.  He had fell asleep with it on.  Right after we had sex.  I was devastated and was yelling and hollering and hurt and crying.  He said Jesus Christ I was asleep.  I said bull shit!  Then the next day  i had to leave to go away for a week.  It was awful!  Will post more later.
Holy smokes! That is awful. It's great that you have worked through this together and are in a better place. I can relate to unwinding too. The funny thing is, I'm much more "unwound" and calm without porn.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Surprise
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2014, 05:36:06 PM »
Yes I know it is a way to unwind.  The problem comes when the wife or partner is turned away from.  Which is the beginning of my story.  This may come in bits and pieces because sometimes it is difficult to recall as it is still painful.

I knew something was wrong because we were not having sex very often.  His idea of tonight's the night was to slap me on the butt at some point during the day.  And of course then I dreaded it because it did not feel like making love.  I tried to say sit next to me, hold my hand, talk to me.  But he would sit in his recliner play solitaire on his palm pilot and watch tv.  He would have to stay up late because he wasn't sleepy. I went to bed to early.  Then I had some painful health issues so he would stay and sleep on couch so I could have the bed.  We had all the movie channels so he would watch.  In fact he would make sure I was in bed, had taken my medicine to help me sleep all around 10 which was when the porn would be on.  Every night.  I started to think he wanted to leave me.  We were in our late 50's and I thought is this it roomates forever?  I thought he was watching and there were little things.   I will talk about them later.  And then as we always did, we had sex before we would be apart because of a trip.  We had sex before I went to visit grandkids.  I woke up and went downstairs for a drink and Cinemax was on with porn.  He had fell asleep with it on.  Right after we had sex.  I was devastated and was yelling and hollering and hurt and crying.  He said Jesus Christ I was asleep.  I said bull shit!  Then the next day  i had to leave to go away for a week.  It was awful!  Will post more later.

Hi Gracie,

The roomates forever comment really sums it up. I know it is hard to talk about this stuff, you are very brave for telling your story. My husband thought it wouldn't hurt me if I didn't know about his P use either. I don't understand the logic, but there it is.

You are amazing.

Gracie

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 996
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2014, 06:52:00 AM »
It is so helpful to post and go back over this.  But only small bits at a time.  Obviously, I went to see grandkids for a week.  While there, we would have phone conversations.  I did not understand how he could do this to me.  I felt worthless.  I felt like he had been unfaithful.  (Yes I know there are those that say it is not the same.  But it felt the same to me.)  I really feel the unfaithful view came from him not being with me.  We did not do things together.  He did not talk.  He was mad a lot over nothing.  He had even found a reason not to sleep with me. (I never said I had too much pain for him to be with me or even acted that way)  I literally thought there was someone else.  The only thing that kept me from going totally down that road was he was home all the time.   

When I came home, I let him know what he had been doing was unacceptable.  I could not live like that.  It was hard giving him my needs for us to go forward.  I felt so off balance.  I had little self esteem left.  But I did tell him what I needed.  Our situation did not involve the internet.  It was only what was on late night tv or programs with nudity.  So, I told him we were going to bed at the same time every night and sleeping in the same bed.  I also said that we would be hugging.  This helped give me a measure of security.  Like I have said before, the routine was most helpful.

But then I said I did not like being around him.  I would find reasons to visit people and be away every day.  I finally said this is not working.  We need to do something different to make this work.  I then started reading about porn.  A lot of what I got as I started looking was that women should just accept it as a part of life.  All guys do it.  And that is what my husband said.  He was sorry, but all guys did it.  Welll, I knew that I could not live like that so I kept looking.  I found Mark Chamberlain's blog Love You Hate the Porn very early on.  I read it and all the archived things like a man in the desert finding water.  I had him read them.  I don't think he realized he had a problem until we read those things.  After I found that, I was able to use links he had to link to other sites.  Success, right?

Well on the porn front yes.  But I started into a horrible depression.  I could not work, I could not function.  I even considered suicide.  From my messed up past I brought baggage into my marriage. (Surprise!)  I had been so mistreated by physical abuse and emotional abuse I had decided I would not be in that ever again.  That no one would hurt me.  I stayed single a long time to make sure.  My husband was the one.  And then this.  I felt so betrayed and stupid.  I felt stupid that I did not know, I did not see this coming, I did not realize how it would affect me.  It sucked the life right out.  I was so hurt.  My husband said I looked like a wounded animal.  I was wounded.  Later he convinced me to go on an anitdpressant.  That literally saved my life.

Sorry this is long.  But it does help to write. 


lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2014, 07:44:18 AM »
The more I learn about the effect of this upon spouses the more convinced I become that this is cheating. Look at the definition for adulterate: To corrupt, debase, or make impure by the addition of a foreign or inferior substance or element; especially :  to prepare for sale by replacing more valuable with less valuable or inert ingredients.

In my humble opinion this describes the effect of porn and masturbation within a marriage. Before anyone gets their dander up keep in mind that I am at the head of the line; by making this comparison I am calling myself a aerial adulterer. I certainly brought a foreign or inferior substance into my marriage. I also substituted something inferior, masturbation, for something valuable.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

Gracie

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 996
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2014, 02:39:18 PM »
I know that some people do not like medication to assist in depression.  I have had that pointed out to me before.  But it helped me sort out what I needed and how to work toward a better way for the both of us.  There was so much work to do.  First we had to figure out how to talk again.  Really talk.  So there were times I was just raw emotion and then times there was calm conversation.  It was so hard at the beginning.  He had not talked to me in so long beyond the mundane everyday converasation.  I was scared at times to talk because he had so much anger the last few years.  Not abusive, just anger.  We both had to work. When we talked, sometimes the conversation was hurtful toward me.  That made it harder.  But he did not feel it was a problem for a while.

As I have said before we had routine.  Kiss goodbye, kiss hello, kiss goodnight.  No pecks, real kisses.  They really began to connect us.  Sleep all night in the same bed.  Sit next to each other.  Hold hands.  Caress each other. Touch, touch, touch.  Sometimes we did this and it was not fun at all.  But it began to work its magic.  We were a do it yourself project.  I pulled things from lots of websites and came up with a hodgepodge to try.  Some were hilarious.  Some  worked.  Some did not work. 

We started a Spotify playlist that is titled Love.  It now has 7 hours of music.  We have added songs that sound like how we feel.  How this has made us feel.  It is fun to listen to our songs.  It has drawn us closer.  Here is are links to three of our favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGs8vtjDxxY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThnePX8ghfo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnmauhGp5JI

Enjoy


lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #15 on: March 31, 2014, 03:00:19 PM »
I know that some people do not like medication to assist in depression.  I have had that pointed out to me before.  But it helped me sort out what I needed and how to work toward a better way for the both of us.  There was so much work to do.  First we had to figure out how to talk again.  Really talk.  So there were times I was just raw emotion and then times there was calm conversation.  It was so hard at the beginning.  He had not talked to me in so long beyond the mundane everyday converasation.  I was scared at times to talk because he had so much anger the last few years.  Not abusive, just anger.  We both had to work. When we talked, sometimes the conversation was hurtful toward me.  That made it harder.  But he did not feel it was a problem for a while.

As I have said before we had routine.  Kiss goodbye, kiss hello, kiss goodnight.  No pecks, real kisses.  They really began to connect us.  Sleep all night in the same bed.  Sit next to each other.  Hold hands.  Caress each other. Touch, touch, touch.  Sometimes we did this and it was not fun at all.  But it began to work its magic.  We were a do it yourself project.  I pulled things from lots of websites and came up with a hodgepodge to try.  Some were hilarious.  Some  worked.  Some did not work. 

We started a Spotify playlist that is titled Love.  It now has 7 hours of music.  We have added songs that sound like how we feel.  How this has made us feel.  It is fun to listen to our songs.  It has drawn us closer.  Here is are links to three of our favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGs8vtjDxxY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThnePX8ghfo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnmauhGp5JI

Enjoy
I really admire that approach.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

Jverhoye

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 171
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #16 on: March 31, 2014, 04:53:42 PM »
I echo LTE...very admirable.  You have clearly put a lot of effort in.  Some folks would have thrown in the towel.

somethingelse

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 80
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #17 on: April 07, 2014, 08:06:41 PM »
Gracie, reading over your story parts of it does make my nerves jitter and heart melt but you've been such a gem in all this. Honestly, one thing that is infectious is your ability to stay positive in the face of adversity and mindful during the good days. I appreciate your presence on this forum, it's inspiring to be frank.

I Hope You and Your Husband Have a Blessed Week ahead too

Rainiegirl

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 77
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #18 on: May 01, 2014, 11:32:51 PM »
I love your playlist. How romantic!

Gracie

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 996
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #19 on: May 03, 2014, 06:59:35 AM »
Thank you rainiegirl .  I wasn't sure anyone would play them but they helped me a lot.  We have 122 songs on our play list.  Some are fun Love Shack--B52s, Sugar sugar--Archies etc.  But some are like these we have ever thing.  Rod Stewart, Neil Young, John Prine, Dolly Parton, The Cure, Goo goo dolls, Bruno Mars, Celine Dion, Barbra Streisand, Bette Midler. Jack White, Cars can be blue and also the Iquanas.  A rather eclectic list.  But we have each put song on. 

It helps us focus on the important part.  I think everyone as they go through this should have a song list that the two of you share.  Picking songs lets you express where your head's at.  And with your man or woman choosing songs as well it helps bond you.  This is just for you two this selection process.  When you choose one and share, the other one knows that you have been thinking about them in a good way.

Blue Bird

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 46
  • Personal Text
    Rescuing my self.
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #20 on: May 03, 2014, 05:46:20 PM »
Dear Gracie:

Hello. I read and paid attention to all your messages and I just can think that you are brave and a strong person.  I hope all the best for you and your husband on his recuperation.  Thanks for the time in writing all these messages. It is so important to listen a woman's perception of the addiction.

I confess I was very uncomfortable in reading wife's reports because I knew I would feel myself  very selfish and ashamed. I embraced the courage and opened your journal to read.  That was a task for me.

I am 52 years old and have a marriage of 17 years. Two daughters of 14 and 16.  I love my family and I feel I have been betraying my wife the same way you have described in your messages.  I feel very bad about it and want to recover and forget PMO.   My wife has put me against the wall several times for not having sex as much as she expected.  Of course, I always had an answer  and carried on the relationship  in a warm manner..... Not cold, not hot.  She does not know that I am in this forum and doing a reboot.  Since I began rebooting two weeks ago we are  much closer and happier together. I hope to begin soon intimacy with her again. I love her.

Your messages were very precious to me and will help me find the required strengh to stop it forever.

I admire you very much.

Kind regards.

Blue Bird.

Gracie

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 996
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #21 on: May 05, 2014, 06:29:16 AM »
Bluebird,  I am glad that what I write helps people.  I try to put my feelings in writing as best I can.  I truly feel that everyone can move through this.  I won't say ge t past, because it changes the relationship.  It changes the way you view your partner.  But this can be done!  I know that it is hard for men to write in the journals of women.  It is often hard for them to journal after a woman had made a comment in the men's journals for some reason. 

I want you to know.  I believe in telling the woman.  It is hard.  It is tearful but then there are two fighting this thing and not just one.  I think that if the goal is for a man to be able to discuss the things that bother him that led to PMO then he needs to be able to talk about it all.  Not all the details about what was watched, just that it was watched.  Then there can be communication.  Communication is what helps it change. 

Got to go to work.  I will write more later.

lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2014, 06:43:47 AM »
Good points, Gracie.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

Jverhoye

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 171
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #23 on: May 07, 2014, 09:55:01 PM »
I agree, Gracie.  Communication is key!

Gracie

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 996
    • View Profile
Re: Surprise
« Reply #24 on: May 10, 2014, 07:33:24 AM »
I am able to write today.  Sometimes I have the time but the emotion of writing is too much and then sometimes I want to write but have no time. 

As I looked over my last post about communication, I realized that I have had trouble communicating as well.  I could not talk about a lot due to fear of the unknown.  I cannot think of anything I was afraid of, it was just a generalized fear.  I suppose that was due to a combination of fear of rejection, failure, not being whatever I thought I should be or whatever I thought my husband wanted and I could go on and on. 

What made me realize this was a late night conversation because he could tell I was restless, which is a sign my mind is at work and I am having trouble voicing what it is.  Most of the time it is what was the thing that started this whole 15 years long thing in our lives?  This bad choice that he made.  (Trust me, it is a big step for me to be able to say he made a bad choice)  So I looked within me and was able to talk about when I had to choose to be away a lot to take care of a horrible situation involving my mother and how guilty I had felt at the time and still feel over choosing her over being with him and the kids at that time.  (My mother was emotionally very abusive to me)  And how could I choose that over him.  That situation occurred around the time he started pulling away and using porn.  Soooo after 2 years, I can reason things out better.  Because I do trust he is not going to use again.  I just have trouble with I am good enough.  But like I said, baggage.  Parents said not good enough and even though husband did not say it, in my mind he did so by demonstration.

Another good thing.  I was looking through some old things mostly paper stuff and in there was a lingerie catalog from 20 years ago.  I did ask him about it right away.  And because of where it was, I knew there had been no chance of recent or even years ago use.  We talked about it...and I did not go down the rabbit hole of emotion.  I put it in its own trash bag and took it to the can.  I am so proud!

Sorry this is rambling.  But just the thoughts of this morning.