Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 197825 times)

lyon03

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Re: Life is beautiful...but bumpy!
« Reply #450 on: March 12, 2015, 01:20:53 AM »
Day 134 No PMO / Day 3 No MO: Morning everyone from Europe. This will be a brief post as I have to get back to work. It feels like I'm back on track mentally, although working/concentration is still a bit of a struggle. While I'm off Youtube, yet another addiction, and haven't been on it for 28 days, I still find myself darting around the internet from time to time. As in life, I was always looking for the reboot equivalent of a homerun. This means I simply want to swing, hit, and score. I've now accepted that reboot is more like a long and arduous uphill bike ride...that never ends! If I stop pedaling, I'll eventually start rolling backwards towards 'addiction valley'. Yesterday evening I babysat my kids as my wife had an appointment. They are all adjusting well to the separation...to a point I was almost disappointed and hostile. Thinking back to my post yesterday, I can now identify another thing I do subconsciously. I sabotage situations when I'm not at the centre of things. Put bluntly, in my mind only I can experience life's 'highs' and I try to kill everyone else's happiness. This is a very common trait with addicts like me. So I simply chose to act differently last night. When driving home, I thought of a few things I'm grateful for which I'll share here:

1. Putting my son to bed: There is nothing better than story time with a 6 year old. Reading a book to your son in his racecar bed while he hugs you in Spiderman pyjamas is heaven.

2. Dealing with sh*t I didn't want to handle at work: I have a nasty habit of putting off difficult decisions or avoiding tense situations. This is part of my 'run and hide' modus operandi from my worst days of addiction. Yesterday I bit the bullet and handled three things I was putting off. Last week I posted about a former employee skipping off to South American when she owed me money. After roughly 20 emails and a few lies, I was repaid today so now I can stop obsessing about her....but what an ungrateful b*tch! Guess I'm not 100% over it!

3. Love: At the beginning of my relationship 2.5 years ago, I was the mental equivalent of a 12-year-old-girl. I was obsessed with this guy. I would wait by the phone for his calls/texts, then would call/text him incessantly, and when I received a message I'd think things like, "He didn't use an exclamation point like he normally does." Pathetic doesn't even start to describe it. How things have changed. Now I'm more secure thank God. We still chat 2-3 times a day but it's so relaxed and natural now. I'm going to see him Saturday and normally would be counting the minutes (building yet another 'pink cloud' high) but I think my mindset is changing for the better. Last night I said to him, 'See you in four days' and he corrected me, 'It's THREE days.' Ooops. I was proud I hadn't marked it on my calendar like some teenaged fangirl. I was also thinking yesterday that while I love this man very much, it wouldn't kill me if the relationship ended. So perhaps I'm learning to experience love normally, rather than through the addict's playbook of intense highs followed by the darkest lows. So this too is a small victory.

My short post has now become a novella my friends. Thanks for reading. While I'm clearly in a more philosophical phase, I want to send a shout out to all of the rebooters going through withdrawal. I've read some recent posts of brothers experiencing the shakes, headaches, flatline, etc. It does get better my friends so keep fighting. P-M-O IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2015, 07:45:03 AM by lyon03 »

avesraggiana

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #451 on: March 12, 2015, 02:03:17 AM »
I would pay money to hear you SQUEAL!!!! Like a real teenage fangiirl!


ready2go

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #452 on: March 12, 2015, 02:38:38 AM »
Me too.  I'd like to know how to actually change the name of the journal.  I was looking around and couldn't figure that out.  :)


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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #453 on: March 12, 2015, 06:35:30 AM »
Awesome post, Lyon! You have a gift for seeing what's most important in this journey and sharing it with others. I can relate to your points on avoiding difficult issues and obsessing about people. Sounds just like me! Great to hear that you are making progress and feeling a sense of calm.
Take Care

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #454 on: March 12, 2015, 11:31:43 AM »
Funny stuff Lyon, tender and helpful too. You've got a best selling book inside of you.

lyon03

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #455 on: March 12, 2015, 04:10:36 PM »
Thanks for your kind posts brothers. Just about to shut things down here in Europe and thought I'd post an update. Learning from past mistakes:

1. Success takes consistent, daily effort
2. No more declaring premature victory
3. No whites after labour day (still reading?)
4. Avoid the 'pink cloud' highs and ensuing lows

I can confidently write that today was a good solid step on my career reboot...and perhaps my greater life reboot. I set clear goals, carefully planned my day, and was working well. When I was getting the cyber twitch, or the urge to surf aimlessly around the internet, I went for a walk. I live in this beautiful little market town next to a river and small lake. So rather than waste away in front of a screen, I walked outside in the dazzling spring sunshine. I even pushed an elderly woman into the water! (Of course I didn't.) This may sound crazy friends but as I rounded a bend, I heard distant church bells ringing the hour and felt like all of you were walking with me. It was like some no-fap version of Easy Company from WWII. It made me realize that reboot wouldn't have been possible without all of you. So I'll end by simply writing: thank you. Dinner, reading, bed for me. Goodnight nation. P-M-O IS NOT AN OPTION.

lyon03

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #456 on: March 13, 2015, 02:52:02 AM »
Day 135 no PMO / day 4 no MO: Good morning from sunny Europe. Today is Friday the 13th. Ominous overtones. Today my eldest son also turns 13. I now have a teenaged son. Egads when did that happen? So it's time to start talking about sex and pornography lest he fall into his father's bad habits. But I'll save that for another day. We'll be having lunch together at my favourite restaurant...so we both get presents!

TRIGGER ALERT. WHAT FOLLOWS IS SOME SEXUALIZED CONTENT SO GO ELSEWHERE IF YOU'RE EASILY TRIGGERED

After some very hot dreams last night, I am feeling serene but also a bit groggy. Last night I had dreams of sex which fired up my dopamine so I have a bit of a pornish hangover. I'd often feel like this after a marathon porn then reality TV marathon. It's unpleasant but manageable. I am still 135 days P-free which is a huge milestone for me. I also can't discount that in the last 4 months I have:

1. Started divorce proceedings
2. Stopped living with my kids
3. Stopped watching TV (although I watch a couple movies a month)

But I guess I always want more...more sex, more sobriety, more attention. Hells bells I'm an addict! In the past the days just flew by but I find time molasses-slow these days following my Monday wank session. The one positive about wanking so much Monday is my libido has been back to zero. I've just realized it's like a mini-flatline. It must be flatline. I was at the gym last night and saw one of my favourite gym bunnies - the guy with latin skin, blue eyes, and rock hard *ss - and felt zero arousal. Well I'll be damned! I jerked myself into a mini flatline.

With regards to my Monday three-fap, if ever I needed confirmation that PIED is a thing of the past, I now have it. This may be boasting (ahhh what the hell...in for a penny, in for a pound) but my wood was ready and at attention Monday. Sensitivity was through the roof, and I no longer had to death grip to reach orgasm. As for orgasm, the power and quantity were impressive...all three times. Look at me, I'm a teenager again.

Flatline must be why the days are going by so slowly as well. I guess I just want to wake up and be at 150, 200, 250 days.
Anyhow, nothing major to report today my friends. I'll be staying over at my boyfriend's tomorrow night and, flatline again, am not feeling very aroused about it. Normally my stomach does a little jump when thinking of him. But seeing, smelling, and touching another human being should quickly fix that. Perhaps it's a good thing that I want to see him rather than just f*ck him. I'll report back Sunday or Monday to share my experience.

Happy (porn-free) Friday everyone. While this is a more humorous post, I think about those struggling with porn addiction every day. While I'm at day 135 P-free, on Monday I could have just as easily fired up a dirty website to make my MO session a PMO session. I was just one click and one letter away from a full relapse. That keeps me humble. Be well nation. P-M-O IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2015, 05:02:55 AM by lyon03 »

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #457 on: March 13, 2015, 09:33:01 PM »
Good post lyon. Your so right.  We are all one click away  from a relapse. Don't give in.to that crap, you have worked  to damn hard for that.

lyon03

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #458 on: March 14, 2015, 04:34:04 AM »
Day 136 No-PMO / Day 5 No MO Good morning nation! The last 24 hours were encouraging and the next 24 hours will involve sex so I'm a happy man. But first an update (LIST ALERT!)

1. Ex-Wife: I just finished a great chat with my ex-wife. We talked for over an hour and really connected. Yesterday was our son's 13th birthday and she had her family over for drinks. They ate and drank until 2 a.m.! I was so happy the family reconnected in a fun and loving way because they've been somewhat down in the dumps with our divorce. What's encouraging is two people I considered my arch-enemies, my former father-in-law and brother-in-law, both said I should have been invited. Wha!? That was totally unexpected and also an unexpected surprise. Incremental progress and small victories indeed.

2. Boys Night Out: As a couple, we were quite socially active and the husbands organized a 'boy's night out' for me last night. I initially didn't want to go but ended up having a super time. It was great to reconnect with men who are self-employed and successful even if they're all so painfully hetero! But man do they b*tch about their wives. I took a certain pride in saying, "We had our differences. We're now divorced. And I've moved on." I find married men are divorce-curious just like some guys are very gay-curious. Anyhow, it was a great night.

3. Business: I had a solid week despite "three-fap Monday" (see below). I'm concentrating on slow and steady progress rather than working in addictive-like bursts. I made some important decisions, solved some problems, and basically put on my big boy pants.

THIS NEXT SECTION MAY TRIGGER SOME OF YOU. IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED OR IN EARLY RECOVERY, I'D SUGGEST YOU STOP READING.

4. Addiction: I scared myself earlier this week when 1 wank turned into a morning fap-a-thon. I've spoken to my sponsor (I'm in a 12-step for porn addicts) and he helped me define the '2nd circle' habits (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_circles). In addiction, there are three circles: the outer circle are positive, safe, and/or benign habits; the inner circle is full-blown addiction (sex, porn, gambling, alcohol etc); the middle circle are habits that transition from recovery (outer circle) to relapse (inner circle). I've put masturbation in this second (middle) circle. Defining this as a 'risky' habit but not relapse was a relief and helped me better define what I consider my true addiction, porn. I had a mini flatline Tuesday-Thursday simply because I edged twice and ejaculated so much it probably threw off my body chemistry. I then had urges to masturbate last night and had a lot of porn flashbacks this morning. To combat those, I used some techniques learned through "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins, namely:

- First thought wrong: identifying that my first though is the addict in me looking for a fix
- "What else?" Keep asking my inner addict this question until I think myself out of it.

If you haven't read it, grab a copy today! So I'm still 136 days porn free my friends.

5. Sex and Sexuality: I was still more or less in a flatline 'low libido' phase yesterday and ran into one of my gym crushes. I have many! This was the guy I fantasized so much about a few weeks ago I wanked. Yesterday I thought to myself, "Him?" Don't get me wrong, this guy is good looking and has a great body. But I wasn't drooling over him like a few weeks ago. It was actually quite nice to hit the gym for a workout rather than spending an hour eye-f*cking everyone I see. Speaking of the f-word, I'll be having dinner with my BF and some friends tonight. Then I'll overnight at his place and will probably have sex tomorrow morning. My trilogy-fap on Monday relieved pretty much all of my sexual tension so while I hope we have sex tomorrow morning, the world won't end if we don't. I'm going to go 90 days without MO and will then re-evaluate whether to use masturbation to relieve sexual tension. Clearly I have to find some middle ground between my failed, "I will never fap again," then lusty thoughts, then shame-filled masturbation. I think I've written enough about fapping and will get my gay-ass to the gym. With regards to my health, I'm thrilled with the results of my 4-year metamorphosis (from a pear-shaped slob to v-shaped hard body). I enjoy getting lots of appreciative stares at the gym from guys half my age. But I'm most happy to see the results of a 5-day-a-week habit.

That's all for now my friends. Again thanks so much for your love and support. I'll post again tomorrow. I'm a reboot lifer as I need this community to remain PMO-free. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2015, 04:38:25 AM by lyon03 »

Jimmy James

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #459 on: March 14, 2015, 08:06:10 AM »
Men get chastised frequently for objectifying women.  Why wouldn't this apply to men objectifying men?  I have been guilty of objectifying women.  I now try to look past whatever may have caused me to initially objectify them and at least mentally empathize with them or look for something positive about them.  I guess it has become part of my "what else?".

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #460 on: March 14, 2015, 08:52:20 AM »
I love reading your posts, Lyon! It's really helpful to read about your journey and how you process and learn from your experiences. I plan to read up on the addiction information you shared. Hopefully it will help me understand why I'm so drawn to certain destructive behaviors like porn and a few others. I caved in this morning and had an MO session in bed when I woke up, but without the P. It's been over 40 days, which is pretty amazing. Have a great weekend, Lyon, and enjoy being with your boyfriend!

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #461 on: March 14, 2015, 10:46:06 PM »
Glad to hear you're still moving in the right direction, brother!  What really matters is learning from your mistakes and progressing forward, which you're really doing a great job of, as usual.  Keep making those distinctions and growing as a person.  Be well brother.
There‚Äôs one thing that is guaranteed to increase your feelings of control over your life: a bias toward action.  - Mel Robbins

lyon03

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #462 on: March 15, 2015, 01:00:40 PM »
Thanks so much for your kind posts my friends.

Day 137 no PMO / Day 6 No MO: Happy days my friends. This is my 901st post. I've written the reboot equivalent of "War and Peace." While I'm mindful to avoid the 'pink cloud' highs and then lows of earlier reboot, I'm making slow and steady progress. This weekend I had a few unexpected breakthroughs. But I won't label them victories like I wrongly did in the past. So let's call them teeny-tiny breakthroughs. So why don't we try a new strategy....A LIST!

1. Do you like me? When I first started dating my BF, he said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said, "Gays are pleasers. We want to be liked and often go out of our ways to be liked; often to conceal our true sexuality." This past week is perhaps the first time in my life that I wasn't groveling for anyone's approval/acceptance. In business I too often sell at a loss just to get the sale. Similarly, in my private life I spent years trying to buy my then wife's (now ex-wife's) approval through cars, jewelry, travel etc. I think what did it for me was this week's events. A former female employee who owed me money skipped off to South America with her boyfriend and then lied that she'd repaid me via bank transfer. I got the money Friday but couldn't understand why I was so angry/obsessed with this situation. Then it hit me. I loaned her the money in a, "Please like me..." situation and my reward was getting f*cked over. While things have settled down with the ex-wife and I share in the blame for our relationship's demise, I too often let her treat me like sh*t. I've spent most of my life trying to please people (mainly b*tchy women) and it was only through complete exhaustion that I'm starting to let it go. [Cue the "Frozen" song!] I even thought about writing my former employee with an offer to help her work on honesty and integrity. I mean my God...'glutton for punishment' doesn't even start to describe me! It was about Thursday that I decided to 'man up' and stop presenting my junk to everyone for emotional castration. I think last night was one of the first dinner parties I'd attended in about 15 years where I wasn't cowering for attention or flattering people so they'd like me. What a relief to just sit back, drink some champagne, and be myself. Victory? No. Progress? Hell yes.

2. Do you love me?  I was starting to act the same way (see above) but with my BF. While I often read about it, I can now understand that we truly teach others how to treat us. But I was making the same mistakes in this relationship as with my ex-wife: namely cowering for his acceptance and buying his love through expensive gifts/travel. This neediness was of course all in my head. In the past when sleeping with him I'd wake up constantly and cling to him in some nocturnal version of co-dependence. The only result was that neither of us would get a good night's sleep whereas I sleep like a log on my own. Last night at dinner I was back to my pre-porn self: comfortable; joking around; and calling him out in front of his friends on some of his bullsh*t...which we all laughed off in a champagne fog. It felt great. And today he was the one giving me gifts! Not only did I get some terrific wake-up sex, I also got a few thoughtful presents from his recent trip to London which were unexpected. Victory? No. Progress. Yes.

3. Do you want to f*ck me?
Like many other rebooters, porn addiction dirtied my life lens. Rather than seeing men as human beings, I saw them only as potential sex partners. For example, I found myself eye f*cking a little too much at the gym. This is something I need to work on but I made progress today. I went to the gym this afternoon thinking I'd be 'safe' working out on a Sunday afternoon. Well damn the luck! The place was a buff-buffet of my many crushes. These guys were all unbelievably hot, 20s, muscular, and handsome. But I wasn't drooling over them as I so often did. Having great sex this morning clearly helped but I was proud of myself for seeing these guys for what they were: nice, straight gym bunnies who had zero interest in some bad porn-orgy. So I'm working on seeing the world for what it is, rather than some potential sex scene with me as the main character. Victory? Not really. Progress? I think so. 

I've come to accept that my addictions were fillers for me. Rather than find or develop my own inner strength, I used porn, masturbation, sex, the internet or a host of other addictions to fill a void in my soul. The problem is addictions don't just fill the void, they started eating away at me like some aggressive form of cancer. They almost killed me. It would be a mistake to write that I'm completely healed. My addictions are simply in remission and if I stray from the healthy path, they start to flare up and eat away at me again. So I'll leave you with that lovely visual my friends. Be well everyone. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.



 
« Last Edit: March 15, 2015, 02:02:47 PM by lyon03 »

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #463 on: March 15, 2015, 06:03:15 PM »
Hey, Lyon! Any progress is itself a victory in my book. You're doing great reframing things according to reality, rather than the fantasy world we've been used to creating for years.

Be well, as porn-scenes projected onto reality are not an option.

lyon03

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #464 on: March 16, 2015, 02:53:56 AM »
Day 138 no PMO / Day 7 No MO: Thanks Leon for your kind message. Today marks 32 days Youtube free! So I've now given up the following: Grindr (a gay hookup app); gay hookups; TV; compulsive spending (eBay/Amazon) and Youtube. My addiction is like the carnival game 'whac-a-mole' but every time that f*cking mole pops its head up, I bash it back down. Good morning everyone from Europe. I don't have a lot to share today so I'll re-post some terrific words from fellow rebooters:

Beachy wrote on his thread: "Not sure what happened but a week ago I felt something change inside. The world looked different. The random sex fantasies stopped, I started thinking more clearly and I had a longing to be with the girl I've been dating but not to just screw her so that I knew my ED was gone. I just wanted to be with her because she's cool to hang around. Not sure what button got switched but I knew somehow I'd turned the corner. Somehow I knew it was going to be downhill from here."

I experienced a similar event horizon this week. Porn warped my reality in two ways: first, I saw most men as potential sex partners; and second, I tended to see the world as some giant porn set. While sex probably occupies about 0.2% of my week, I easily thought about sex roughly 10% of the time. As I posted last night, I was at the gym yesterday with five unbelievably hot, 20-something, muscular guys. There were two groups: two friends working out together and three guys from the same rugby team. I guess I've reached a new level of recovery because I thought to myself: "Yes they're very handsome, but none of them want to have sex with me and none of them are going to have sex with me." So I just got on with my workout whereas in the past I probably would have rubbed one out in the bathroom. It took me this long (130+ days) to get beyond the craving I guess. Ironically one of the guys is clearly gay because he was eye f*cking the threesome rugby boys like crazy. I was watching him act like I often did at the gym, eyes darting around, and thought, "My God he looks like a pervert!"

Phase2 wrote in 'Success Stories': "There are a lot of guys posting here and many of them have very unique and complex life problems that they are dealing with--many far more difficult than simple PIED. Be aware that what everyone says here on RN may not apply to you, and some are just here for attention or community. Stay focused on YOUR success. Learn from those who are achieving their goals (Gary Wilson remains my go-to-guy for all information). Reboot Nation should be a temporary stop. Learn, commit and get on with life."

This perfectly describes me. While Phase2 was doing a PIED reboot, mine is a life reboot. He was correct to make the distinction. In my heart, I know I crave attention first and community second. Indeed I have to 'get on with life' eventually, lest this forum become my next addiction.

So it's time to get back to work my friends. I wish everyone a porn-free day. Be well nation. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2015, 12:38:35 AM by lyon03 »

Beachy

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #465 on: March 16, 2015, 05:11:25 AM »
Nice Lyon03. We did start at similar times and we both had a bit of a life reboot albeit for different life events. That internal feeling of change is a great thing and provides a calmness which is welcome after the turmoil and heightened emotion of dealing with the addiction.

Phase2 is right that this forum should be a temporary stop. I got in the habit of checking this forum a lot, reading and rereading yourbrainonporn.com and then strategising about how I was going to beat the PIED as though I was going into a boxing ring against it. It is a formidable opponent that does require energy to overcome but the death spiral of thinking about it so often, even if it was to remind myself not to think about it, becomes a chain around the neck. The continuous thought and the community support is invaluable for a period but I'm now finding it counter productive as the reboot progresses. I think when you get to a certain point then it's time to just move on and not think about it at all so I'm weaning off rebootnation a fair bit. The site is invaluable but as Phase2 says it has a use by date.

Good luck friend and hopefully if life throws you any more lemons you just add gin and tonic and drink it down.

lyon03

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #466 on: March 16, 2015, 06:21:58 AM »
I agree brother. I'm hitting a porn-exhaustion phase...perhaps a good thing. I remember a client saying to me a few years back, "I'm not an alcoholic." It was after a long dinner. She was both drunk and carrying a bottle of wine. Reality trumped her self delusion. I cannot trade my screen/dopamine addiction for a RN/recovery addiction. The common link between the two is porn. Perhaps it's time to post less and live more....which I say while writing yet another post! Be well brother.

Leon

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #467 on: March 16, 2015, 12:04:36 PM »

Phase2 wrote in 'Success Stories': "There are a lot of guys posting here and many of them have very unique and complex life problems that they are dealing with--many far more difficult than simple PIED. Be aware that what everyone says here on RN may not apply to you, and some are just here for attention or community. Stay focused on YOUR success. Learn from those who are achieving their goals (Gary Wilson remains my go-to-guy for all information). Reboot Nation should be a temporary stop. Learn, commit and get on with life."

This perfectly describes me. While Phase2 was doing a PIED reboot, mine is a life reboot. He was correct to make the distinction. In my heart, I know I crave attention first and community second. Indeed I have to 'get on with life' eventually, lest this forum become my next addiction.

This was perfectly said, Lyon. And it reminded me immediately of my own stated goal:

My over all plan is 120 days without acting out, and from there, to just live life free of it...

While I know I'm one of those (was one of those  ;) ) guys with deeper issues than just PIED, I've been at recovery for a while, and this site simply helped me to focus my will like a laser beam, whereas before it was not as focused I suppose (?). But, yeah- my over all plan was to simply reach my goal, and then live my life without that stuff- without obsessing.

So, immediately following my 120th day (which wan't without it's own struggles), I began to taper off my time here. That's obviously still an ongoing process, however, I'll periodically come on here to be the kind of help (I hope) that I would have appreciated back when I was struggling more often.

Wishing you well, brother.

lyon03

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #468 on: March 17, 2015, 12:52:11 AM »
Day 139 no-PMO / Day 8 no-MO: Good morning nation! This is a quick post as I'm up early and very motivated to work. I'm also making an effort to live in the real world rather than endlessly trolling through your threads. So this will be my only visit to the site today. While many have reported a chaser effect following masturbation, I have both an emotional and physical chaser following life's highs & sex. I saw my boyfriend Saturday/Sunday, had sex on Sunday morning, and not surprisingly was distracted and horny almost all day yesterday. I had a fairly strong urge to masturbate both immediately following sex Sunday morning and several times yesterday. Yesterday I'll rate the urge to MO about a 6/10 but I didn't act on it. I simply said "NO" mentally and that seems to have stopped it. Something Phase2 wrote in his success story really resonated with me, "Reboot Nation should be a temporary stop. Learn, commit and get on with life." I couldn't agree more. My thread has almost 12,000+ views which is both a victory and a failure. It's a victory because I've been so committed to my reboot and recovery. Yet it feels somewhat like a failure because I now want to put as much time and energy into things like my career, family, and love. Like the 30-something still living with his parents, I too have accepted I must plan to move on. So I've made a decision: I'll post daily through 150 days, then every other day 150-160, and then every 3 days for the next 10, 4 days for the following 10 and so on. In this way I can wean myself off of RN lest it become my new addiction. Thanks for reading everyone. It's time to get back to the real world! PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.     
« Last Edit: March 18, 2015, 12:11:50 AM by lyon03 »

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #469 on: March 17, 2015, 05:40:20 AM »
Hey Lyon,

Congrats on all the progress you've been making.  If you look back at the map that is your journal, you've really made quite a journey.

I am feeling the same way you are - and Phase2 intimated - that RN is (or can be) a temporary stop.  I've not posted much the past few days and haven't felt compelled to.  I think this site serves different purposes for different folks, and it's here if we need it.  My story hasn't become more intriguing or dynamic - not much new to tell - and where I need to put my energies on the site are encouraging others.  But even that has been harder for me of late.  (Not sure why.) 

My hope is to be able to check in here and offer support a couple of times a week, and also post my own challenges/celebrations as needed.  But daily check-ins aren't feeling compelling right now.  Spring is here, I'm at the end of a long tunnel of work, and I just want to put that 30-45 minutes of my day toward something like running or meditating or something else that is hopefully equally constructive.

One of my addictions is living online, not just PMO around the online experience.  Facebook, Twitter, even this site, are places I go to hide from experiencing my life in real time and real sensory preceptors.

Use the site as you need it.  Come here when you feel drawn to post or provide encouragement.  And don't feel guilty if you are out living a healthy life otherwise.  I still check in w/ my sponsor daily, go to meetings once a week, so checking in here is healthy, but not 100% a must.  But if it becomes a must again, you better believe I'll be here.  I really appreciate all this site does for men like us.

Onward, mi amigo!

notgivinup

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #470 on: March 17, 2015, 09:09:17 AM »
Lyon....glad you are still here, and still on the journey.

You are a great encouragement to me and others.

Thanks.

lyon03

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #471 on: March 18, 2015, 12:19:19 AM »
Day 140 no-PMO / Day 9 no-MO: Morning brothers! Thanks for your kind posts. I don't have a lot to share today as I'm trying to post less and live more these days. Is this what recovery feels like? I worked well yesterday although I was darting around the internet in a porn-like way at the end of the day. I was also on this site more than I should have been, particularly at the end of the day. I haven't had any urges to watch porn since day 1 back on October 29, 2014, although I do get the occasional urge to masturbate. The urge to MO pops up in two situations: first, just because of pure horniness which I believe is natural and healthy; the second urge is normally because of stress or escapism which is the addict in me. I simply give a mental "NO" to the urges or wait 10-15 minutes to let it pass. Tomorrow my dad arrives from overseas for a father/son ski weekend in the Alps. Despite the warm weather there is still snow on the upper mountains so I'm really looking forward to it. My family all know I'm gay and even at 71, my father is incredibly cool with it. He's a great guy and I'm lucky to have such a kind and loving family. Have a great and porn-free day nation! PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.   

notgivinup

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #472 on: March 18, 2015, 01:24:23 PM »
Hey Lyon....glad you are living your life in real time.

I miss your more involved, longer posts...but not so much that I wish you back in here more. I know what you are doing...and it's awesome. I'm glad to see you facing life.

Thanks again for your honesty and authentic way of living here with us in RN. I hope it pervades all of your life.

I know you're not gone from here...so, I'll still look forward to catching you when you are here.

Have a great time with your father.

thanks.

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #473 on: March 18, 2015, 01:38:53 PM »
Thanks for all your insightful and inspirational posts. Have a great time with your dad. Mine is 70 next month and is also very cool. We are blessed.

lyon03

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Re: Life is beautiful
« Reply #474 on: March 19, 2015, 02:09:48 AM »
Day 141: Reboot (finally) complete. I've poured my heart out into these forums but passed the ultimate test yesterday. I was at the gym late last night (around 9:45 p.m.) when this black God of a man stripped down to his undershorts in the weight room and started posing in front of the mirror. Yep you read correctly! There was one other guy there who rounded the corner and was like, "Wha!?" His semi-naked body was competition perfect. It had ZERO effect on me. I think I'm going to be fine. Symbolically I signed final divorce papers this week so it just has to be signed by a judge and then I'm free. And today my dad arrives from overseas for a spring father-son ski trip. It's time for me to start living in the real world. But today is a good day. This isn't the triumphalism of earlier days...just a calm realization. I'll of course still post through 150 days and then from time to time to check in with the nation. If there is a crisis, this will be my first stop as I feel like it's (virtual) family. But I've dropped my RN crutches and feel I've started to run. It's been one hell of a journey. It took me well over 4 months to change a 15-20 year habit. That's a relatively small period of time to get your life back. I am so grateful my friends and am looking forward every porn-free day that will be the rest of my life. PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.   
« Last Edit: March 19, 2015, 02:36:29 AM by lyon03 »