Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 197818 times)

lyon03

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« Reply #425 on: March 07, 2015, 04:35:47 PM »
Goodnight nation. Bedtime here in Europe. My niece and daughter are sleeping over at my place tonight. My daughter just handed me a picture. It's of a big red heart and reads: "Here is a big heart. Just like yours." Life is good.

avesraggiana

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« Reply #426 on: March 07, 2015, 08:21:40 PM »
Goodnight nation. Bedtime here in Europe. My niece and daughter are sleeping over at my place tonight. My daughter just handed me a picture. It's of a big red heart and reads: "Here is a big heart. Just like yours." Life is good.

LIKE!  LIKE! LIKE!


lyon03

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« Reply #427 on: March 08, 2015, 04:31:02 PM »
Day 130 PMO-free. Today I was sitting at the lunch table with my ex-wife, her sister, and 6 kids thinking, "Wha!?" It'll be three years ago in May that I blew up my ex-wife's life with three simple words: "I am gay." That was when my real reboot started I think. I recently posted on another member's thread that relationships built on a muddy foundation of lies are destined to collapse - as did my marriage. Now I'm rebuilding my life on the hardest and most solid foundation: truth. It's f*cking hard work but I'm making progress my friends. And today laughing around a table felt like a victory. Be well my friends.
« Last Edit: March 08, 2015, 04:49:37 PM by lyon03 »

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« Reply #428 on: March 08, 2015, 06:24:57 PM »
 :) :) :) rejoicing with you.

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« Reply #429 on: March 08, 2015, 06:50:43 PM »
To make a move towards truth you also had to embrace it in your heart. Congratulations Lyon. I'm still struggling a bit in that area.

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« Reply #430 on: March 08, 2015, 06:51:48 PM »
Day 130 PMO-free. Today I was sitting at the lunch table with my ex-wife, her sister, and 6 kids thinking, "Wha!?" It'll be three years ago in May that I blew up my ex-wife's life with three simple words: "I am gay." That was when my real reboot started I think. I recently posted on another member's thread that relationships built on a muddy foundation of lies are destined to collapse - as did my marriage. Now I'm rebuilding my life on the hardest and most solid foundation: truth. It's f*cking hard work but I'm making progress my friends. And today laughing around a table felt like a victory. Be well my friends.

So true. Keep it up, lyon :)

lyon03

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« Reply #431 on: March 09, 2015, 02:41:35 AM »
Day 131 PMO-free: Good morning from sunny Europe where it's supposed to be 16C today (61F). After my post last night, I had a chat with my dad. My father is coming here in about 10 days for a father/son ski trip. (I live very close to the Alps so it's about a 2 hour drive to the slopes which is why I ski so often.) My dad is now 71 and like many men of his generation, is a bit awkward talking about feelings. But he said he was very proud of me for how I was handling my divorce, running my own business, and he choked up when discussing my thoughts of suicide back in December 2013. He kept repeating how much he loved me which warmed my heart. What a great father. His son is gay, probably the biggest nightmare for a man of his age, and yet he's so cool with it. How times have changed. Before I was all about my secrets & lies and now I'm gaining strength in the truth. I thought to myself: how wonderful to no longer live in fear all the time. How wonderful to just chat on the phone without using 70% of my brain power managing lies, deceptions, and porn.  How wonderful to live my life truthfully and honestly. I'm working through a 12-step program for porn addicts and absolutely love this step:

"Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

In the past, when I was wrong I had three reactions: 1. Lie; 2. Blame; 3. Rationalize. Being in the wrong is a daily occurrence but unless you admit it, either to the wronged person or yourself, it tends to grow in you. I can see that last week I lived step 10 when writing to my angry former brother-in-law. Last week I almost called a former f*ck buddy for a random hook up because I was feeling down. I felt guilty and was trying to escape through sex. Today things are clearer. Of course my former brother-in-law is angry with me! I cheated on his sister (with men) and lied to both his sister and his family. He's very right to be angry. I was wrong. So I wrote him a simple letter apologizing. That's a very freeing experience.

Like a toddler, I'm learning to walk in the truth again. There are trips, falls, bumps, and scrapes but I'm learning. Every day I have two choices: run from the truth or embrace it. My first reaction was the addict's reaction: anger, resentment, blame. But then the better me took over: honesty, humility; asking for forgiveness. It was spiritual awakening of sorts.

Thanks for reading my friends. Time to get back to work. SECRETS/LIES ARE NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2015, 02:44:02 AM by lyon03 »

Leon

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« Reply #432 on: March 09, 2015, 11:43:11 AM »
Excellent post, Lyon. And important principles which you certainly exemplify.

Keep it up.

lyon03

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« Reply #433 on: March 09, 2015, 04:04:11 PM »
Just about to sign off for the day my friends. Tough day today:

1. I was reviewing sales figures with an employee and got a nice swift kick to the b*lls. Sales for a particular line are down 30% from last year when I thought all was fine. Guess who is responsible for this particular line: me! My company, my problem. But talk about a wake up call.

2. After yesterday's lunch at my place and the apartment full of playing, screaming, laughing kids, it felt mighty empty today.

3. Boyfriend in the London (UK) returning tonight and missing him a lot.

This continues my habit of highs and lows. I felt sorry for myself most of the day but have since rallied. Still no porn as it's no longer an option. Just as I've written to others who have relapsed: stop feeling guilty/sorry for yourself; learn from it; determine what you're going to do differently; and move on. Sales are down because I wasn't working hard enough...period. Yes I could have fought on with my ex-wife, but that life almost killed me. Will see the BF soon enough. I'm craving sex right now, not intimacy. Reboot is a neverending process my friends. So I live to fight again tomorrow, even with sore b*lls. Be well nation and thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

PS - Now I'm off to bed. I banged off a few hours of productive work and feel like I'm back in beast mode. So my highs and lows are getting shorter and closer together. Feeling better as I shut 'er down for the day. Thanks for reading everyone.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2015, 05:43:37 PM by lyon03 »

lyon03

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MEA CULPA
« Reply #434 on: March 10, 2015, 01:55:18 AM »
Day 132 PMO free / Day 1 Since I MOd Mea culpa nation. Yesterday I fapped but not to P. I know why I didn't post about it yesterday because I know I have both a porn and masturbation addiction. So this isn't a PMO relapse, but I've created a MO counter (see below) and have set it to day 1. This replaces my former cyber addiction counter because it's more important than watching cat videos on Youtube (which I've largely kicked). My new goal is 90 days no MO. The M worries me, but what worries me more is how I acted. It wasn't just a 1 off like I did a few weeks ago and felt guilty about it. It was an epic 3-in-a-row load blower like back in the depths of my P addiction. Once would have been borderline, twice is over the line, and thrice (in one morning) is my inner addict taking over. I then chose not to post about it (lying), rationalized 'it's not so bad', and then let it squirrel around in my head all day. This is all too familiar territory. So I've written to my sponsor for my 12-step programme telling him, have a call with him this afternoon, and have since added a MO counter below with a specific goal. I've often written about 'lite beer' syndrome whereby alcoholics switch to lite beer and call it a victory. Well colour me a hypocrite my friends. I know: masturbation for me is a compulsive behaviour which I cannot control and yesterday it was clearly out of a control. So this is an apology to the nation as I don't want to get back into the bad habits of lying, concealing, rationalizing. In business news, yesterday I was reeling at the lack of sales for one of our lines. I'm reeling because this line is 100% my responsibility and 100% my fault. Perhaps the MO was in anticipation of the bad news. Actually I'm going to write the MO was because I knew the bad news was coming but didn't want to deal with it. But I've moved from reaction to pro-action. I feel both focused and centred today. I'm setting a new (realistic) sales target, will have a conference call with my team today to lay it on the line, and will in essence get off my *ss and change things. I'm shaky but trying very hard to keep going. So yesterday was a two-punch knock out, but I'm getting up and back into the ring my friends. But I'd prefer to box a 12-year-old weakling rather than the 300-pound guerilla that is my addiction. As DB writes, "Onward!" MO IS NOT AN OPTION. 
« Last Edit: March 10, 2015, 03:52:52 AM by lyon03 »

Jimmy James

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« Reply #435 on: March 10, 2015, 05:36:28 AM »
Lyon, save your orgasms for your BF.  Treat them like they belong to him, not you. Quit stealing his orgasms.  At least that is the attitude I have about mine and they belong to my wife.

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« Reply #436 on: March 10, 2015, 07:26:24 AM »
Lyon--Sorry to hear about the relapse, but good to be honest, especially about the epic parts of it, including the three-in-a-row, and direct connection to stress and anxiety, and not just yearning for emotional closeness with someone. Not being a scold here--we're all on our own journeys--but I would approach this (I hope) differently, when or if I relapse. The PMO goal has led me to create my own standards for what each of those letters mean. No P means...no intentional search for high-speed porn, as well as companion searches on things like Facebook, manhunt, or photos from the past on my secret email account (which I've deleted, to avoid looking at images my k9 blocker couldn't filter). No M means, "I don't touch myself with my hands ever again"...either alone, or with another partner. No O means to me...none at all, ever, without hands-free encounter with an intimate partner or as result of spontaneous wet dream. Deciding this in advance as my own rules, helps me to stay true to my decision and my commitment to the rewire. Crossing the line on any one of them would bring my entire PMO counter back to zero...not as a sign of failure, but as a token of humility and re-commitment to what I know are my essential steps toward the rewire.

In short...it's one thing to have a separate YouTube counter, or something extraneous like a no-smoking counter. But a separate MO counter? That's two-thirds PMO, and to me...from the circumstances you described...if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...it's a duck. Or in this case, PMO.

Dude, I love you. But back to zero is a great place to be. Humility brings honesty, and to me, is the only way to make a long-term change.

lyon03

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« Reply #437 on: March 10, 2015, 08:34:55 AM »
Thanks for sharing and caring brother. I respect you, I respect what you've written, I LOVE that you challenged me, because it forces me to be honest and accountable. I'm not considering this a relapse for one simple reason: no P. I didn't watch porn and that for me is still progress. Even in the epic whack-a-thon that was my three-shot masturbation session yesterday morning, I wasn't in front of a screen. But I'm not discounting what you wrote. MO is 2/3rds of my problem and absolutely a compulsion with me. You are correct on that point. That's why I've created a separate counter to remain honest and accountable. You're doing hard mode (no PMO) which I respect. I did the same thing for 100+ days but I'm human. Yesterday I had a raging hard on, it was the morning, and I rubbed one out...then two, then three. (PIED is no longer a problem.) I can't say I know the line between rationalizing and being logical my friend. That's a very big question that only time will resolve. I've now spoken with my 12-step sponsor and another sobriety partner. Both said this wasn't a relapse and I'll open it up to the nation as to their thoughts. Please share and don't spare me the tough medicine my friends. I'm strong enough to take it. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2015, 08:52:14 AM by lyon03 »

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« Reply #438 on: March 10, 2015, 09:01:50 AM »
Honesty is always the best policy and it took a lot of guts to share this. You will continue to be victorious and learn from every experience. Peace Lyon!

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« Reply #439 on: March 10, 2015, 10:15:50 AM »
Lyon....you are awesome.

I appreciate your honesty. "Appreciate" is a lame word for what I really mean....what I mean is, you are inspiring. You are not staying hidden away in lying and deceit, and rationalizing....you are just coming out with it. Thank you.

onward from here.

thanks.
porn is NOT an option.

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« Reply #440 on: March 10, 2015, 10:27:22 AM »
So I've written to my sponsor for my 12-step programme telling him, have a call with him this afternoon, and have since added a MO counter below with a specific goal. I've often written about 'lite beer' syndrome whereby alcoholics switch to lite beer and call it a victory. Well colour me a hypocrite my friends. [??] I know: masturbation for me is a compulsive behaviour which I cannot control and yesterday it was clearly out of a control. So this is an apology to the nation as I don't want to get back into the bad habits of lying, concealing, rationalizing. In business news, yesterday I was reeling at the lack of sales for one of our lines. I'm reeling because this line is 100% my responsibility and 100% my fault. Perhaps the MO was in anticipation of the bad news. Actually I'm going to write the MO was because I knew the bad news was coming but didn't want to deal with it. 

The last thing I'd color you as right now, brother, is a hypocrite. You're being honest, transparent, facing up to what you did- and that publicly is a very brave and strong thing to do. It takes a man to admit his faults in such a forthright manner as you have here, as well as with your 12-Step sponsor.

Congratulations on recognizing the source of your stress and anxiety surrounding the particular line you were responsible for, which wasn't yielding fruit. It's great that you can make the connection- but now the challenge of course will be to learn from this, and to deal with such disappointments (especially in one's self) without escapist actions like auto-erotic behavior. This will take whatever methods that work for you, or have been working for you. Deep breathing exercises, prayer, or just sitting with the problem, facing it- giving it the finger ('flipping it off' as we say in America). Above all- forgiving yourself. Having taken responsibility is one thing- now forgive yourself: for the loss of sales? Yes. But especially for letting yourself down (more importantly than the Nation) concerning working it out through a false coping technique.

I agree with your second counter, and that you did not PMO. I'm sorry for your struggles with that, I know exactly how you're feeling afterwards. Sure, they're both (the MO and the PMO) related to the same underlying issues by which we've developed these false coping mechanisms, but having two separate (yet concurrent) goals is certainly helpful. Having two has a dialectic effect, meaning that being successful in one area will help in the other area. Just as masturbation could increase our risk for other addictive behaviors, so too, can having victory in that area help us in saying, No, to the other behaviors we never wish to go back to.

Now that you know such news can affect you in such an averse way, you can now have a plan in place where in any future anticipation of a negative trend or event in your business, you can be better prepared to handle it. Some things I've read suggest having an emergency pack ready, having- for example- emergency contact numbers (for sponsors, AP's, etc), a list of reasons to not engage in the addictive behavior, or whatever will help you in an emergency. But, you will know what can help you best if faced with that kind of news again.

Commendable that you reset your counter- or created a second one for this more important issue, and for being so honest.

I believe in you, Lyon- that you can do this, and make the necessary change that will bring about happiness and success in your life. You're not alone in facing down that ugly over weight gorilla!
« Last Edit: March 10, 2015, 10:31:27 AM by Leon »

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« Reply #441 on: March 10, 2015, 12:12:10 PM »
So we both MO`d in the same day, Lyon? :p

I think there`s no reason whatsoever to feel bad about it, as long as we continue sticking to our reboot, without compromising our commitment to overcome our addiction.

I only think, well, maybe in 101 days from now i may MO again if i feel like, as long as P or fantasy arent involved. Preferably, may it be a sexual act with a loving partner, a real person, but if not, may it only be therapeutic and enjoyable, as I described in my previous post.

You`ve been doing great, despite the ups and downs of life. My best wishes to you, brother!!

lyon03

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« Reply #442 on: March 10, 2015, 12:24:59 PM »
Thanks everyone for your kind messages. I use Facebook to promote my businesses and someone sent me a post about a 4-year-old girl suffering from terminal brain cancer. That certainly put my hat-trick-blasts yesterday into perspective. So to end the work day on a positive note, I'm going to take a cue from Chiefmitch and share four things I'm thankful for:

1. My kids: I prepared lunch for my kids today at my ex-wife's house. I paused and thought to myself, "I'm cooking lunch for my kids today at my ex-wife's house." Unlike the poor 4-year-old I saw on Facebook, my kids are happy and healthy. I'm also very lucky to get along so well with my ex-wife.

2. Support: Every time I've stumbled, I could always count on the love and support of this community. I also have a great sponsor and a sobriety partner. For years I fought this addiction alone so it gives me great strength and comfort to be marching through recovery alongside so many wonderful people.

3. My business: While there has been a dip in sales/revenues recently because I've been so focused on personal issues, I have an amazing business that takes me across Europe and often overseas. After years of struggle to build it up, my business now gives me financial freedom while also giving me the flexibility to set my own hours. If I had to write an advert for my dream job, it would be what I'm doing right now. I can't take that for granted.

4. My sobriety: There was a pothole yesterday, but I'm proud of being porn-free for 130+ days. I was a slave to pornography for so many years it actually rewired my brain. Every day I go without porn is a victory. I can't forget that.

Thanks again for your love and support nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

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« Reply #443 on: March 10, 2015, 03:15:38 PM »
...but I'm proud of being porn-free for 130+ days. I was a slave to pornography for so many years it actually rewired my brain. Every day I go without porn is a victory. I can't forget that.

A victory, indeed. So proud of you for kicking that to the curb as long as you have so far. It's really commendable to see you porn-free, even in spite of your other issues or trials of late.

Keep up the great work, lyon. 

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« Reply #444 on: March 10, 2015, 11:20:01 PM »
Hi, lyon3.

I rubbed one out too, a few days ago.  But just like you, I DID NOT use porn.  I fantasized instead about having sex with real life former and current partners.  It felt good!  Really good!

The curious thing is, I've not had the desire to do it again.  It seems like my MO, as in Modus Operandi now, is to seek out real life sexual encounters with real people, and save up my orgasms for then. 

My response to stress lately has been to pray and meditate.  My response to sexual urges is to seek out sex with known sexual partners, and failing that, booking an appointment with a masseur. 

You're definitely not rationalising or being a hypocrite.  Your total honesty is truly inspiring, and very endearing.

Keep up your great work!


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« Reply #445 on: March 11, 2015, 02:00:00 AM »
Day 133 no PMO / Day 2 no MO: Thanks for your kind posts everyone and good morning from sunny Europe. The last three days have been challenging. I had an epic ‘hat trick’ wank session Monday morning, but not to porn thank God. The first wank was just normal horniness, whereas during the second and third I edged and felt familiar and very dangerous dopamine rushes. I’ve forgiven myself for this stumble, have accepted this is a bump rather than relapse, and am ready to move on. Thankfully I've had no chaser effect nor desire to masturbate again. But I’ve learned a few things which I’m more than happy to share. A list! 

1. I can’t fight addiction when in the heat of addictive behaviour.

During my first month of reboot, reading “Your Brain on Porn” by Gary Wilson truly saved me. Reading that I may experience ‘the shakes’ during withdrawal gave me a certain emotional distance when I woke up nights with shaky arms and legs. Likewise, I have to accept that rational thought is impossible when I’m acting out addictive behaviours. Let’s look at that a different way. It’s simply too late for me to reflect on alcoholism when I’m already drunk. I acted out (masturbation) Monday morning and then spent the next 48 hours reeling from the experience. I couldn’t work, my emotions were all over the map, and concentration was shot. I’m now better but accept that I have to better combat my urges before acting on them.   

2. My brain has a pattern

The brain is both primitive (sexual desire) and yet logical (higher thinking). Reboot lies somewhere between the two I reckon. During withdrawal, it helped to read that I may experience the shakes before it actually happened. When I woke up at night legs shaking (primitive), I was at first terrified but quickly calmed down because I was prepared (logical). Looking at my many posts here, I can now see a distinct pattern of highs and lows. It is during these lows that I’m most vulnerable to small bouts of depression or, worse still, addictive behaviours. Looking at my Monday wank session (a low), I can see it was preceded by two very distinct highs: skiing/sex with my boyfriend the week before followed by a family lunch at my apartment Sunday afternoon. I now understand that for me, a potential relapse starts during the ‘climb every mountain’ highs I’m experiencing. So I need to be mindfully proactive in breaking the cycle. 

3. Setting Goals (or Goalposts)

I have ended countless posts with, “PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.” But I rarely wrote, “PMO IS NOT AN OPTION” or “MASTURBATION IS NOT AN OPTION.” As my friend the Gay Gladiator rightly pointed out, in my mind I was probably keeping masturbation hidden on a laundry room shelf just like a ‘rainy day bottle’ for a recovering alcoholic. I’ve started a 90-day counter and am now very clear that masturbation is also not an option. What will I do after that? I’m not sure. I am currently in a long-term relationship but this is also a long-distance relationship. So sex is not readily available. I have a stronger sex drive than my boyfriend but do not want an open relationship as I also have a sex addiction (I’m the whole package my friends). After 90 days, I’ll have to determine whether I can masturbate from time to time without it becoming another addiction. For the moment, I just don’t know. But I do know I can go 90 days without it as I’ve done this before.

4. Avoiding the Pink Cloud

As in life, I wanted reboot to be cruise-control easy. As I recently learned, long-term recovery is a daily struggle and yet I have a habit of prematurely declaring ‘victory’. Alcoholics Anonymous refers to the ‘pink cloud’ or short-term euphoria we feel when living addiction free for the first time. Similarly, I thought that living a few short months porn-free meant vanquishing lifelong addictions when I still have a very long way to go. I have to be more pro-active in my recovery and that means working harder towards a soft landing after situations when I’m too high on life. For example, I’m going to see my boyfriend this Saturday and have dinner with friends. Alcohol, lack of sleep, and sexual stimulation are all triggers for me. So being proactive I’m going to limit myself to 2 glasses Saturday night, sleep in Sunday morning, and then talk to my sponsor that afternoon. Abstinence Sunday morning is not on the table! But assuming Saturday will be a high, I have to be ready for the low to avoid a potential relapse Monday.

Thanks for reading nation. I feel much better having thought about and written the above. I look forward to your comments/suggestions. Be well my friends. P-M-O IS NOT LONGER AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2015, 10:19:05 AM by lyon03 »

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« Reply #446 on: March 11, 2015, 07:05:09 AM »
Thanks for sharing your struggles and lessons learned, Lyon. You have great insight into this addiction. We are all learning from your story. Be well!

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« Reply #447 on: March 11, 2015, 11:31:04 AM »
lyon03, I'm always touched by your posts, especially now that I had 2 relapses in a row. Thank you for sharing so openly, it gives me hope and strength. I can't do this alone. Isolation is a trigger for me. I've written it many times: As long as I want to PMO, I will do it. Question now is: Why do I want to PMO? I don't know, and I hope to come to where avesraggiana is: Not wanting, not being interested. My father was an alcoholic, and I understand him so well now. The high of the rush is unbeatable. Somebody said that dope highs are like french kisses with God. Very well said. So that's one thing that makes it so hard for me to quit: I can't see that there are other options to have that feeling. I only know PMO. Gnnn!!! What I do know is that I want to stop. That's good. Be well, Nation.


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« Reply #448 on: March 11, 2015, 09:20:04 PM »
Thank you for continuing to write Lyon! You are a pillar in the community and nothing can change that. Patrick, great job in getting back up right away!

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« Reply #449 on: March 11, 2015, 09:25:23 PM »
I like the new name of your journal, Lyon- "Life is Beautiful".