Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 197831 times)

Feetfirst

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #400 on: February 28, 2015, 05:08:11 AM »
Hey Lyon, so inspiring to see your amazing progress! keep up the good work. FF

Leon

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #401 on: February 28, 2015, 09:16:43 AM »

How true. We're all chasing a paradigm, constantly hard and horny, as if we're about to burst onto some porn set and perform. I think it's misguided. Don't get me wrong my friend. I am a very sexual person. But I now choose to express my sexuality with just one other man. Whether you choose men, women, groups, etc for your sex life makes no difference to me. But for years I yearned to be some freakish walking hard on ready to go at a moment's notice. That wasn't real life. That's not life today. That was a porn fantasy. Thanks for sharing because I learned something as I do everyday on this wonderful website. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION."


I can relate to this. I used to challenge myself, when I'd find myself fixated on a lovely woman (beyond mere admiration, but more in an obsessively lustful way), "What am I supposed to do, go up to her right here in public, and make mad passionate love to her?" I did that to kind of 'shock' myself out of a fantasy driven mindset, with a little dose of reality.

Sometimes women themselves would do that for me, by their either quizzical or disgusted look, responding to my shameless leering. I'd be like, "Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to be this pig-like entity anymore!" 

lyon03

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #402 on: March 02, 2015, 12:37:44 AM »
Day 124 PMO-free / Day 18 Youtube Free: Hey nation! Just a quick update from the (rainy) Alps where I'm skiing with my boyfriend. I don't really think about porn anymore and haven't watched Youtube in almost 3 weeks so I'm taming both my porn and cyber addictions. I jerked off a few weeks ago but that was so disappointing I haven't done it again since. So I feel I'm making progress.

My boyfriend and I arrived in the Alps on Saturday and I have to admit I was a bit nervous. I've been staying at this particular inn for years and the owners know me only as a hetero (acting) husband and father. (For example, I recently stayed here over the Christmas holidays with my ex-wife and kids.) So this was in essence another 'coming out' because the owners didn't know I was gay. That is until my email 3 weeks ago explaining I planned to visit with a boyfriend. I really like the owners and didn't want to disappoint them which sounds a bit strange I know. Well yet again it was all in my head. It hasn't been an issue at all for them nor their guests. I mean zero. Nothing. Clearly it was more of an issue for me, or at least in my head, than it was for them. Life 1: fucked up brain 0.

There are so many things I love about being porn-free. I won't bore you with another list but I will write this: while a porn addict, I so lacked confidence in myself that I would do anything to make people like me. This often meant trying to please people who didn't deserve it. While an addict, I so hated myself I would constantly seek approval and yet quietly despise everyone. With this small episode, I made it clear to the owners I was gay; planned to visit with my boyfriend; and in a friendly way wrote that if this was an issue for them, I'd stay somewhere else. In the past, I would have showed up claiming this wonderful man was my cousin or some other rubbish. I would have then spent my entire stay in a lie. For me, living porn-free was more than just fighting an addiction. It was about rebooting my entire life. Living openly and honestly is now the only way. I wish I had learned this years ago but I can't change the past. 

I'm learning to like the person I've become. This is more than just being a gay man, that's just one part of me. It's more about living honestly, and having the confidence to accept who I am and thereby love and accept others. I can see that porn was just another nasty habit reinforcing my self-hatred. When I beat porn, I then surfed Youtube which also made me feel like sh*t. In the past, I would associate with people who made me feel like crap. Now I've cut these nasty people out of my life and simply don't associate with folks who bring me down. These are all such basic things but it's taken me a lifetime to learn them. I guess this is what freedom feels like. It's a wonderful feeling.

Now I'm going to head back to bed for another wonderful feeling, sleeping next to someone I love. And hopefully a little more...grrrr. Be well nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2015, 01:41:16 AM by lyon03 »

Poker

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #403 on: March 03, 2015, 12:01:26 AM »
Great job my friend.....  :)

lyon03

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #404 on: March 03, 2015, 01:26:10 AM »
Thanks Poker! I'm thinking of you my friend. Day 125 PMO-free. Quick post my friends as we'll be heading down for breakfast then out for skiing. I'm kind of in 'pinch me' mode. The sun is shining here in the Alps and my sexy boyfriend is sleeping in the other room. Is this me? Just 125 days ago, I didn't think I deserved to be happy. Happiness for the recovering addict is a bit like watching a toddler take her first baby steps. It's a mixture of fear, happiness, discovery, and lots of falling down. Yesterday my BF casually mentioned getting engaged. I was like, "Wha!?" I honestly thought for a second, "Why would anyone want to be engaged to me?" That's my inner addict f*cking things up again. Porn is no longer part of my life but it was just a symptom of a greater sickness. There was a hole in my soul that I tried to fill with porn/sex/lies but am now learning to fill with love. I'm getting better but it isn't easy my friends. As you all know it's a daily struggle. That's why I keep coming back to this community to share, learn, and heal. So I'll sign off by thanking all of you for your constant love and support. Now I'm going to go back to bed and snuggle with someone I love. One day at a time. Be well nation! ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2015, 01:28:09 AM by lyon03 »

savingmysoul

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #405 on: March 03, 2015, 12:42:17 PM »
Grats on day 125 - that is amazing!

I knew you would get there, and I know you will continue on and on.

Isnt a P free life awesome?

SMS

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #406 on: March 03, 2015, 06:06:01 PM »
Thank you lyon, for the nice posts. You give me great  encouragement.

horpio

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #407 on: March 03, 2015, 06:08:01 PM »
For me, living porn-free was more than just fighting an addiction. It was about rebooting my entire life. Living openly and honestly is now the only way. I wish I had learned this years ago but I can't change the past.
I'm learning to like the person I've become.
Yeah man, truth spoken. Congrats on totally recalling your life. And I'm stoked to hear about the engagement talk

lyon03

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #408 on: March 04, 2015, 03:24:02 AM »
Day 126 PMO-free / 20 days Youtube-free: Thanks boys for your kind posts. Well back to reality as I'm at the office today after a great few days skiing in the Alps with my sexy boyfriend. GAY SEX ALERT. For everyone struggling with porn-induced erectile dysfunction, take heart. I last masturbated to porn on October 29, 2014. It was a pathetic scene. I remember my last PMO session like it was yesterday. And I think I remember it so clearly because I mentally knew it would be my last. Strange isn't it? Anyway, near the end of my addiction, nothing could get me hard. So I would death-grip masturbate with about a 15% erection. It would take so long for me to ejaculate I would get near-fainting head rushes because of the dopamine. And now today. I had sex with my boyfriend just a few days ago and it's night and day compared to PMO. Gone is the ED. In fact, I now get hard just talking to him over the phone so you can imagine the wood when all senses are firing (touch, sight, smell, sound). Gone too are the boner-killing phrases: "Am I going to stay hard?" and "When am I going to shoot?" As I've written before, sex after reboot is like an IMAX movie after 60s-era black and white TV. So whether gay or hetero my friends, if I can regain normal sexual function and meaningful intimacy after a 20-year porn habit and PIED, there is hope for all rebooters. Thanks for reading my friends. PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.




lyon03

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #409 on: March 04, 2015, 03:50:08 AM »
Holy sh*t! 9500+ views of my posts. I remember my first few posts thinking, "Is anyone reading this?" Thanks nation. This community has changed my life.

lyon03

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #410 on: March 05, 2015, 08:13:29 AM »
Day 127 PMO-free / 21 days Youtube-free This will be a quickie my friends for two reasons: first I have to get back to work; and second I don't have that much to share today. Yesterday was a bit of a wash work-wise but I didn't dip my toe into Youtube. For the new readers, I came out in May 2012 and am currently divorcing from my ex-wife. In addition to my porn addiction, I also have a cyber addiction - mostly to Youtube. Both seem in check but just when you think you've tamed the beasts, your former in-laws come and f*ck it all up. I read somewhere that children of alcoholics tend to marry alcoholics to 'heal the past' so to speak. My ex-wife's father is an alcoholic and, worse still, everyone in the family denies it. My brother-in-law is also pretty much an *sshole. Now the in-laws want to stage a reconciliation dinner in June whereby I'll come back into the family fold. But I've decided I neither want nor need to be around these people. These men showed me nothing but anger while I was married to a family member, so I can only imagine what sort of welcome I'll get now that I'm divorcing and gay....SHE-BANG! While I appreciate the gesture which came from my former sister-in-law, angry people and toxic situations can be every bit as destructive as porn or drugs. So I don't want to expose myself to them again. So I'll politely decline the invitation. I've written myself into a decision. In other news, I'm also miffed at a former employee who I fired in September and, pre-firing, I loaned money to. (I know.) The second and final repayment (roughly $400) was due March 1st and, not surprisingly, she's skipped off to South America without even a word. I'm focusing with porn-like intensity on this situation which brings me nothing. I'm too angry to deal with it and the one-two punch of in-laws + the ex-employee are bringing me down. So I'll have to meditate to get over it. I'm very disappointed as it feels like being dragged down into the emotional muck again. But I feel a bit better now that I've written about it so thanks for reading everyone. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2015, 08:42:17 AM by lyon03 »

Jimmy James

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #411 on: March 05, 2015, 08:55:57 AM »
Lyon, I think you know that you need to forgive them for whatever they have done to you.  Any resentment you allow yourself to have will be unhealthy. Any unhealthy behavior can lead to other unhealthy behaviors.  But also realize the forgiveness does not mean you have to be best buds and that declining the invitation is completely acceptable.  If the opportunity presents itself, let them know you appreciate their offer and wish them well. (Wish Them Well is a great song by Rush that is fitting that you might want to check out.)

Peace.

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #412 on: March 05, 2015, 09:07:16 AM »
Lyon, since I've started no PMO, I've noticed that I am much stronger about standing for what I want now and what's right for me. Before I was like some fawning milquetoast always trying to appease other people, helping them with their problems, putting them first. Now, I come first and I feel more like a MAN. I've shed a few people from my life who were negative energy and it feels great to be free.

It sounds like you do not want to be back in that 'family fold.' Bad mojo! So hell no, don't do it. Do what YOU want to do. They can kiss your butt. Onward and upward!



lyon03

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #413 on: March 05, 2015, 11:03:34 AM »
"Fawning milquetoast" and Rush...what more could a girl ask for! Thanks for your posts/advice boys. It helped a lot. Rather than stew in my own resentment, which has a certain fart-like smell, I went for a brisk walk. It's a beautiful, sunny day here in Europe if not a little windy. That cleared my head. JJ you're right that I have to forgive as I was replaying bad family memories. I am not my mind. Phase2 you're also correct in that I always have the choice. I wasted too much time cowering in front of people who treated me like sh*t. These two episodes were sadly familiar. But still no desire to watch porn. Be well friends.




 
« Last Edit: March 05, 2015, 03:08:34 PM by lyon03 »

Dharmabum

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #414 on: March 05, 2015, 07:12:15 PM »
Lyon,

You continue to inspire me with your wit and self-awareness.   Thanks for keeping me honest and being so forthright on your own posts.  It reminds me that nothing feels better than being honest with myself, my wife, and my life. 

Keep up the great work.  And don't let the bastards get you down.  ;-)

StevenT

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #415 on: March 05, 2015, 10:31:14 PM »
Hey Lyon, It's really inspiring to hear about your new life and adventures with your boyfriend. It sounds like you had a great trip in the Alps and are enjoying life in a whole new way. Hopefully you can come to some resolution with the family drama. Stay strong!

notgivinup

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #416 on: March 05, 2015, 11:03:18 PM »
Lyon...good job on staying away from the toxic family stuff. That's not always easy...but you recognize it, and you are staying away from it. I'm glad.

I'm sorry about the crummy situation with the loan. That kind of thing stinks. But, you know what happens when you hold on to it...it will make you miserable. Letting go and moving on will free you.

You chose to get up and go out and walk....sounds like a wise decision.

Getting through the junk of life without pmo is making us all stronger. You seem to be leading the way....thank you.

I did envy your skiing trip in the Alps. I learned to ski in the Rockies....Colorado...nothing like it. I just wish I could get there more often. I love to ski.

Thanks for your honest posts. You are an encouragement to me and others here.

Thanks.

porn is NOT an option.

ready2go

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #417 on: March 06, 2015, 02:16:37 AM »
The trips to the mountains sound great.  My wife and I used to do that, but at some point several years ago she informed me that she decided she is not a mountain goat and wouldn't be going again.  Well, ok.  There are dudes to go with.  Being with my wife would be more fun, but a man's got to do what a man's got to do, right?

Those ex family members remind me of my former employer who has continued to extend my employment far past my date of resignation.  First a month, then two, then three.  Then we'll keep your email box open. 

FUCK NO.  LET ME GO.  I'M GONE!!  If you wanted me there so badly you'd have treated me like the professional I am, not as a second rate flunkie.  Anyhow, no, please shut down the email and do it yesterday if you can. 

Same with those relatives.  So long, good bye, and good luck!  I forgive you, now get out.  Of course there is your former wife who has to deal with those people, but she has done it a long time.  She can handle it.  You've moved on. 

Sounds like you're doing well for yourself, so keep on going!
R2G


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lyon03

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #418 on: March 06, 2015, 03:11:17 AM »
Day 128 PMO-free / Day 22 Youtube Free: Wow boys thanks! Just when I thought no one was reading my posts anymore, BAM, there is an outpouring of love and support. I really appreciate it. The past 2 days were all in my head. My triggers are lack of sleep, drinking, anger and isolation...all 4 were pushed this week. I slept badly while on holiday because sleeping with my boyfriend turns me on too much. I drank too much at the delectable dinners because I was on holiday and didn't have to drive anywhere. I got angry because the ex-in-laws and former employee who owes me money got into my head. And post-holiday it's back to work and all by myself in my huge (and yet fabulous) apartment. TRIGGER ALERT. I didn't think about porn really but last night I was yearning for a sex fix. I came close to calling a f*ck buddy for a hook up but resisted. For all the straight men reading this, FBs are quite common in the gay community where sex is both easy and ubiquitous. This guy is more into the S&M scene and the last time I hooked up with him in August 2013 he tied me to a chair and worked me to orgasm. Not exactly the marrying type. I've since deleted him from my phone and can now laugh it off. I used some techniques I learned from "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. If you're struggling with inner demons, you should read it. Now I'm like: "What the f*ck was I thinking?" Anyhow today I'm more rested, calm, and centred but will still call my 12-step sponsor to recount the above. Accountability is key I've learned. If I feel any urges I'll post here or reach out to some of you via private message. Time to move on my friends. Have a great and porn-free day nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

avesraggiana

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #419 on: March 06, 2015, 10:19:20 AM »
Hi, Lyon03.

I’m a little late to the party.  About the money your former employee owes you:  take her to the European equivalent of “Small Claims Court” - that’ll be a lovely surprise for her when she gets back from her holiday in South America.  Or do nothing at all, write it off as an unintended gift, and forget about it.  I’ve always made it my policy when loaning money to friends and family to first determine for myself if the money I’m loaning them is money I can do without.  I also mentally prepare myself for the real possibility of a friendship ending because of money.

Good for you for staying away from your former family, and from porn. And thank you for clarifying yet again for our straight brethren just how common hookups and FBs are in the gay world. 

*Once again, in my saucer-eyed, squealing, breathy, brainless, blonde, bimbo, stupid-chick-voice* - "Whaaaaat?!?!  No dinner, no movie?!?!"


lyon03

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10,000+ Views. Thanks Reboot Nation!
« Reply #420 on: March 06, 2015, 01:33:32 PM »
I started this thread on November 21st, 2014. How could I know that sharing my little life here and exchanging messages of encouragement with others would forever change me. Reboot for the 40+ crowd isn't just about porn addiction, it's about rebooting our lives...and perhaps even our souls. This website marks the first time in my life I have never lied...not once. Thanks to this community I have learned an honesty, humility, and compassion that I never thought possible. And every day I learn from the brave men and women who share their struggles here. Porn would have killed me and by killing me would have robbed my three children of a father. RN not only helped me live porn-free, it taught me to love again: love myself; love my family; love others; and love life. I am eternally grateful. Thank you!
« Last Edit: March 06, 2015, 03:50:24 PM by lyon03 »

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Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
« Reply #421 on: March 06, 2015, 10:06:06 PM »
Wow! That post about your FB had me sitting up straight. Thanks for your honesty and for saying things like they are.
About the 10,000 mark, you're hitting out the lights here brother  ;D
I'm so happy for you that you put your life on a new path. The best is yet to come my friend.

Leon

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Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
« Reply #422 on: March 06, 2015, 11:49:29 PM »
Congratulations on the 10k views of your profile, Lyon.

I appreciate your honesty, as it helps one to open up in ways maybe not even entertained before.

Feeling like others aren't reading our posts / journals is something that I've been mistakenly bothered about before, too. Then, just when I'm feeling somewhat dejected, folk would come out in wonderful support, having been there (somewhere) all along.

Glad you're here, reclaiming your life, and fighting for your freedom.

lyon03

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Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
« Reply #423 on: March 07, 2015, 02:47:34 AM »
Day 130 no-PMO / Day 23 no Youtube: Thanks Leon and Horpio for your kind posts. Beautiful, sunny morning here in Europe and I've just woken up. I'm going to post here and then get on with my day which will be busy. I'm a bit groggy as I watched a movie late on my tablet before bed, but I feel I'm out of the worst of my funk. Work was a struggle this week as I bounced around the internet, but thankfully still no Youtube. I now see the pattern: a high (4 days of skiing in the Alps with my boyfriend) followed by a low (4 days of staring blankly at my computer screen). I was tempted to hook up with a former f*ck buddy but didn't do it. But this was the most vulnerable I've felt in about 2 months. I found little solace at the gym, particularly yesterday. I did arms yesterday to work myself out of this recent funk and it was trigger city. My favourite sexy gym bunny was there, the one with the *ss you could bounce quarters off of. Warmer days here in Europe so he was wearing a wife beater which showed off his upper body a little too nicely. I then fled to the treadmills only to be treated to a muscle parade of the top 5 boys I lust after. So all 6 crushes are now at the gym and of course I'm mentally seeing them in some sort of orgy. So I hit the showers only to be treated to two 20-something muscle Gods heading to their showers. It was unsettling but I now find it kind of funny. The universe was tempting me yesterday! There were some other issues this week:

1. My former in-laws creeping back into my head because we'll all meet again at my son's confirmation in June. Things are particularly tense with my former brother-in-law who is apparently very angry with me.
2. A former employee skipping town when she owes me money.

On Wednesday I mailed a letter to my former brother-in-law (I'm divorcing) to apologize for cheating on his sister and for lying about my sexuality. I'll probably meet him in the near future to gain some closure. I believe taking initiative and being proactive are a key part of my recovery. The former employee sent me the 'oops I forgot' email...from a beach in Uruguay! I've since forgiven her, mentally written off the $400 she owes me, and moved on. Focusing on it only made me more angry. So I've re-sent her my bank details and asked for a firm repayment date. Still waiting for a reply and don't expect to get one.

Enough looking back! Today I'm taking my youngest (6) to his soccer game, then gym (hopefully without the porn-body-boys), then food shopping, then my daughter and niece (also my Goddaughter) are sleeping over tonight and will help prep a lunch for my ex-wife, kids, and my ex-sister-in-law tomorrow (Sunday). There will be 9 of us and we all know how gays love to set a pretty table!

So I'm feeling better, but a bit shaky in a post-flu-like way. Thanks so much for your love and support my friends. I couldn't have made it through this blip without you. FINE CHINA IS AN OPTION!




Leon

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Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
« Reply #424 on: March 07, 2015, 09:40:02 AM »
Great job, Lyon- on saying No to the FB! (I've encountered that term and concept when I visited various sites back in the day).

Excellent on identifying the underlying issues behind a drive and attraction to your gym cohorts. That's usually what I'll do, if I'm like overly 'woman-conscious' as I call it. I'll ask myself, 'Why?' -What happened, or is happening (internally or externally) that I'm leaning toward that so heavily? I'll do this, also, if I catch myself fantasizing in the day- Okay, why am I wanting to 'escape' into fantasy-land? What am I trying to self-medicate from? Then, once identified, I'll try to either face it, re-frame it, or else detach from false expectancy or unrealistic fears.

Have a great day / evening!