Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 197840 times)

Chile

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #375 on: February 22, 2015, 07:56:07 PM »
Keep on writing Lyon!

I don't have instant access to the books I need to read so I really benefit from the stuff you share. Peace!

lyon03

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #376 on: February 23, 2015, 03:55:19 AM »
Day 117 PMO-free Day 11 since wasting time online: Morning nation. Today I'm taking a pause from the soul-searching to focus on the simple things. But you all know I can't resist a good list! Here are four things I'm grateful for today:

1. Having my own business: I have the dream career. I get to travel, speak several languages, live in Europe, and work with wonderful clients. I've focused too much on what I don't have when my professional life is pretty f*cking good.

2. Reboot Nation ("RN"): As a closeted gay man, I was a very very good liar. It starts with pretending to like girls. While I appreciate the female form, it took me a very long time to accept I have zero interest in lady parts. Like exercising, my lying muscles grew and grew to Arnold-like proportions. Rediscovering honesty through this forum has been a Godsend. This website is probably the first place in my life I haven't lied - nor do I want to. The RN is like the best gym ever for honesty and accountability. Every day I come here to exercise the good in me and it feels great. So I am eternally grateful to both Gabe Deem and my fellow rebooters.

3. My Family: I have the most wonderful, loving, and accepting family you could imagine. Take my mother for example. She just turned 70, now buys me sexy underwear, and proudly texted me from her South American cruise, "I'm dancing disco with all the gays!" Kick *ss doesn't even start to describe her. I also love my kids. Even though I left their mother and was generally an addicted and angry *sshole to them, they forgiven me and moved on. Kids are a wonderful example as is my ex-wife. I put her through hell and she still smiles at me every time she opens her front door to let me in. This is truly a blessing.

4. Me: I love myself. It took me most of my life to get here but I'm now proud of the man I see in the mirror. In the last 12 months, I've come out, battled addiction, worked through divorce, and found love all while growing my business. While I met my boyfriend 2.5 years ago, I could only really love him once I started loving myself. I remember the date: October 29, 2014. That's when my life truly started.

Have a great day everyone. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE VIRTUALLY. 

« Last Edit: February 23, 2015, 04:03:10 AM by lyon03 »

lyon03

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #377 on: February 23, 2015, 04:37:40 PM »
Day 117 PMO-free Day 11 since wasting time online: Another day in the porn-free trenches. Still battling my internet addiction but staying off Youtube thankfully. As proof that I'm more disconnected, I just read it was the Oscars yesterday...and couldn't care less! I'm making incremental strides with getting back to work. It's maddeningly slow but I'm trying to celebrate small daily victories to stay positive/motivated. This week should be fun: doing lunch for the kids tomorrow at my ex-wife's house; high-powered networking/business lunch Friday; and then (Saturday through Tuesday) skiing with my BF in the Alps. Lots of snow this year and I love to ski. By the way, I saw some dirty images online yesterday. This was my first real exposure to naked pictures since starting my reboot. Zero effect. It was from a funny (New Yorker?) article about Grindr photos with horrible backgrounds. The article was g-rated but as I scrolled down, BAM!, lots of d*ck and *ss shots. So I quickly shut it down and went about my day. It didn't seem to have fired up any former neural pathways I'm glad to report. So I guess reboot does work! I'm off to bed my friends. Be well nation. D*CK SHOTS ARE NO LONGER AN OPTION.     

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #378 on: February 23, 2015, 11:46:09 PM »
Hi Lyon.117 days holy moly ! You have this addiction on the ropes for sure.Hearing you talk about skiing in the alps sounds really surreal.Usually it's something I only hear on the movies.So far away from little ole New Zealand.Guys like you are an inspiration to us rebooters with only a few days under our belts.A real testament that it can be done.Enjoy the skiing.

lyon03

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #379 on: February 24, 2015, 02:12:20 AM »
Day 118 PMO-free / Day 12 since wasting time online: Thanks brother. While the temptations are gone, like you I'm only just a click, a zip, and a fap away from relapse so I'm trying to stay humble! One day at a time. Fitful sleep last night as I worked too late, had dinner around 10:30 p.m. and didn't fall asleep until around midnight. Then up at 7, no alarm, to start my day. So I've tamed my porn addiction (118 days), sex addiction (130+ days without a hook up), TV addiction (118 days no TV), masturbation addiction (went 111 days without, fapped last Tuesday, and back on track again), Youtube addiction (12 days without), and am now trying to tame a general internet/screen addiction. Indeed addiction is like 'whac-a-mole' - the f*cker just keeps popping up. I feel as though 120 days will mark the true end of my reboot, when I corner and kill the addict in me. While I still struggle with screens, and perhaps always will, I don't feel the inner turmoil, guilt, and shame I often felt before reboot. I'm starving my inner addict with a daily diet of honesty, clean living, sleep, and happiness. NERD ALERT! I'm always shaking things up to get my career/business back on track so I'm going to start tracking my progress through an excel spreadsheet. This will track how much time I spend posting/surfing here, working, exercising, etc. I'm simply applying the diligence learned through reboot to my professional reboot. Wish me luck. Remember my friends: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2015, 02:23:52 AM by lyon03 »

Leon

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #380 on: February 24, 2015, 10:35:49 AM »
Your doing great, Lyon, on so many fronts. It seems to me, to use your whack-a-mole analogy, that the sucker can be defeated, not only by attacking when and where he pops up, but by degrading him from within.

This you're already doing by learning and applying all the philosophies and therapies for self-recovery.

Keep up the great work, as it's exciting to track your progress.

Identifying ourselves with an addiction is not an option.

notgivinup

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #381 on: February 24, 2015, 11:04:57 AM »
Lyon....reading your journal is encouraging to me. I like your multi-faceted approach. Time-wasters are everywhere. You are inspiring me to give up the TV completely myself...when I think about it, I will only gain from removing myself from in front of that thing. I don't watch it that much already (probably 2 hours a week)...but even that is time that could be spent in other things that need my attention.

Really glad to see your continued progress and your determination. You're a good man.

I'm really glad that our journeys here have been concurrent.

Porn is NOT an option.

lyon03

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #382 on: February 24, 2015, 03:29:46 PM »
Day 118 PMO-free / Day 12 since wasting time online: Thanks for your kind posts. I now have the tools to move on...all thanks to Excel. Porn destroyed so many things in my life but it robbed me of the capacity to concentrate. And without concentration we cannot work. Several months ago I tested how long I could concentrate on any given task without looking for a screen 'fix'. I clocked in at 3 minutes. To say I was disheartened would be an understatement. For the past two months, I've tried everything to work again. I've read self-help books, written my own obituary, written mission statements, tried meditation, have penned schedules, tried positive thinking, and lately inner monologue. Nothing f*cking worked. Then I tried Excel and bingo! I did nothing more than list my life's priorities - both personal and professional - then allocated a certain amount of time today to each, meticulously monitored my time with a stopwatch, and it worked like a charm. Today I had a normal, productive, and happy work day. This is the probably the first normal work day I've had in about eight years. Eight f*cking years! I'm happy but not in the 'pink cloud'-over-the-top-yankee-doodle-dandy-I'm-a-God-bi-polar-way I've been in the past. I simply want to get up and do it again tomorrow. In the past, I was doing the work equivalent of cramming for an exam. I'd do nothing for weeks and months, and then stay up all night catching up. This was bullsh*t. It's like PMO for weeks and months, only to abstain for a week and then relapse. Reboot taught me the daily disciplines of honesty, accountability, and hard work. I've now found a potential way to apply the same to my business/career. Is this a victory? No. Is this a start? Hell yes. I look forward to getting up tomorrow and doing it again. Good night nation. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. 


 
« Last Edit: February 24, 2015, 04:43:04 PM by lyon03 »

chiefmitch88

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #383 on: February 24, 2015, 04:17:39 PM »
Your tenacity and can't quit attitude is the stuff of legend Lyon. Sounds like your business is gonna have a banner year!


lyon03

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #384 on: February 25, 2015, 01:53:18 AM »
Day 119 PMO-free Day 13 Since Wasting Time Online: Thanks CM. I'm so glad things are working out for your and your wife. On the eve of 4 months PMO-free, I'm feeling centred. I haven't had a porn flashback, seeing scenes in my head, in roughly a month. I no longer feel any urges to watch porn online. Is this what recovery feels like? I'm also happy to write that after months of flapping around, my business/career reboot is gaining momentum. Not too long ago my attention span was a pathetic 3 minutes. I know. I timed it. After decades of porn addiction, I could work just 3 minutes before hungrily looking for a screen fix. In an effort to reboot my career/business, I've read so many self-help books I should start my own book shop. "The Slight Edge" was the one book that truly made a difference (recommended by CM if I remember correctly). The book is both helpful and annoying. It helped me understand that success is incremental rather than 'big bang'. This isn't a revelation but it helped to re-learn a valuable lesson. Like recovery, success at anything is a question of daily effort and, to a certain degree, daily failures/struggles. The book annoyed me because it's a series of "Get ready for it!" and "Here it comes!" infomercial-type prose that just muddled the central message. But thanks to that message, I'm happy to write that yesterday I had my most productive day in years. I also faced a number of business and client issues that I'd been avoiding. As an addict, I had ZERO tolerance for pain and used pornography, masturbation, and sex to escape. As my addictions deepened, it was less about pain and more about feeding the addiction at all cost. This meant I could no longer work properly. So yesterday was a win and I'm repeating that today. In fact, yesterday was the most focused and productive I've been in about 8 years if you can believe it. Reboot helped me rediscover the discipline, honesty, and hard-work required for not only recovery from PMO addiction but also a life reboot. So thanks to all of you for encouraging me along the way. I couldn't have made it this far without you. See you tomorrow to (virtually) celebrate 4 months.
« Last Edit: February 25, 2015, 07:31:46 AM by lyon03 »

Chile

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #385 on: February 25, 2015, 02:39:52 PM »
Keep writing Lyon! People need to hear abut your experiences, what you have learned, and what is changing in your life. I'm having a crappy day but your post reminds me it's all worth it and the pain can`t be compared to the dividends. Peace!

chiefmitch88

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Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #386 on: February 25, 2015, 08:11:02 PM »
Such a simple and helpful read isn't it Lyon. The APllo landing on the moon was a great reference for me. Once you have a goal in mind you constantly make slight little adjustments to get to where you want to be. The shuttle was off course 97% of the time. And it made it there and back again. That means to get to where we want to be we are on course only 10 days out of a year. The rest of the time we make little adjustments to get ourselves where we need to be. SO when you feel a little off course, find a way to readjust and give yourself a break for not maintaining the perfect heading all the time. But I can tell you already know all this. I read about your little adjustments daily :)


lyon03

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4 F*CKING MONTHS PMO FREE!
« Reply #387 on: February 26, 2015, 02:21:37 AM »
120 days / 4 months PMO free! Well it's been one hell of a ride. I'm 1/3 of the way to my goal of 365 days porn-free. This will be a brief post because I'm at work. Here are my top 11 reboot highlights:

1. Realizing the first week of reboot (early November) that I was a self-centred, lying, cheating, and porn-addicted *sshole. Then vowing to change. 
2. Joining Reboot Nation (day 23) and sheepishly waiting for someone to reply to my first post (Beachy and Poker were #1 and #2).
3. Shaking like a heroin addict during withdrawal (first 30 days) thinking, "I'm no better than a f*cking meth head."
4. Reading "Your Brain on Porn" and learning I was addicted to dopamine/arousal, not just porn.
5. Crying to Sia's "Chandelier" at the gym (first 40 days).
6. Porn fog lifts (60+ days) and for the first time seeing my rock-hard body at the gym (3 years of lifting!).
7. Giving up TV and all of its "buy this!" "you suck so buy this!" "buy this and feel better!" and (my favourite) "let's kill some more of your brain cells so buy more of this!" bullsh*t
8. Traveling to Israel (Dec/Jan): dancing until dawn in Jerusalem's only gay bar; floating in the Dead Sea; walking the stations of the cross; visiting the wailing wall at midnight; swimming with dolphins; and watching the sun rise over Jordan. 
9. Reading "Breaking the Cycle" and confronting the root cause of my addictions (Jan).
10. Finding sex fun, carefree, and explosive again. "You just hit my painting!" said the boyfriend.
11. Today, unlike #1, I am now a caring, honest, loyal, monogamous, hard-working, loving and porn-free man again.

I am weeping as I write this brothers! For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I'm at the beginning of something rather than just about to drive off a cliff. This quote is me:

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." T.S. Eliot
« Last Edit: February 26, 2015, 11:06:54 AM by lyon03 »

Leon

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #388 on: February 26, 2015, 06:26:40 AM »
Congratulations, Lyon on reaching your goal. 120 days is exactly my humble little goal- but I'll probably keep my counter going.

A fascinating journey, so happy for you.

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #389 on: February 26, 2015, 09:34:56 AM »
Man, if my Top Ten reads anything like yours at the end of my 120 days, I’ll be a very, very happy man. 

In listing your Top Ten, you gave us all a reminder to be grateful.  To practise gratitude for the smallest of successes, the dimmest glimmers of triumph- and we all know they’re there even during this dark journey.  We just have to pay attention.  Thank you.

You mentioned “shaking like a heroin addict”.  Withdrawing from porn addiction is like going cold turkey, isn’t it?  There’s definitely a physical component tied to the chemical component.  Slight non sequitur:  Believe it or not, breaking up and recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist is the same experience.  I haven’t felt any withdrawal symptoms from giving up porn, apart from Flatline, but I experienced the full range of symptoms when I freed myself from my narcissist ex-boyfriend. 

It was an excruciatingly difficult, physically almost unbearable time, as my brain scrabbled for purchase on the treacherous slope of needing to  reattach myself to him.  I learned for myself that the only thing worse than staying in an emotionally abusive relationship was leaving one for good.  The crying jags, the relentless, repetitive obsessive thinking, the tremours, the shakes, the driving need to contact him to ask to come back - and on and on and on.  It was terrible. Enduring the pain of all that was horrendous and I would never wish it on anyone.

It’s the reason why battered housewives and girlfriends stay with their abusers.  Because of the chemical addiction involved, just like in porn addiction, the pain of separating and withdrawing is too much to bear.

Fortunately for me, my abuse was NEVER physical. But in a small way I wish it had been. Because then, it would have become immediately obvious to me that the only course action was to leave.  Instead the abuse was all psychological and emotional.  So treacherous in its subtlety.  My ex-boyfriend was so good at figuring where my buttons were and he exploited that to the fullest.  The subterfuge, the manipulation.  All of it done so underhandedly that I did not realise what was going on and at the time, I started fully believing that all the problems in our relationship were my fault.  If I could just meet his every escalating demand, if I could just be the person he needed me to be, if I could just....blah, blah, blah.  The rules were ever changing, the standards ever rising.  Of course there was never any hope I’d meet any of them. 

In the end, I left that relationship because of a betrayal so horrendous and of such enormity that I never knew that a human being was capable of behaving in such a cruel manner.

I was one of the lucky ones.  I never went back. I left once and once only, and I managed to stay away.  Most victims of abuse return an average of seven times before finally, finally building up the strength to leave - or they end up getting killed.

Oh my gosh, lyon03, in typical narcissistic fashion, I’ve just hijacked your thread with MY story!  I know there was a point to it.  Oh, that’s right, how withdrawing from porn addiction is pretty much the same as withdrawing from emotional addiction.  It’s all chemical, it’s all in the brain, and we feel the symptoms of craving our addiction in our bodies.  Fortunately for all of us, if we can just endure the extreme physical discomfort of withdrawal, if we can just love ourselves enough to over-ride our self-destructive impulses, the withdrawal symptoms eventually disappear as the passage of time allows our brain and body to restore themselves to a normal and healthier chemical balance.

Enjoy the rest of your day.  I’m just beginning mine.


lyon03

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #390 on: February 26, 2015, 11:10:25 AM »
No worries my friend. In fine "Spinal Tap" tradition, I increased my list to #11 just for you. I've just looked up irony in the dictionary and it reads: "Write an entire post about your narcissist former boyfriend but it's really about you, and on someone else's thread."  ;) Of course I jest brother.
« Last Edit: February 26, 2015, 01:01:31 PM by lyon03 »

notgivinup

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #391 on: February 26, 2015, 11:47:59 AM »
Congratulations, Lyon.

Wow.

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #392 on: February 26, 2015, 01:19:23 PM »
lyon03, I'm so happy for you, congratulations on 120 f*ing awesome days, wow!!! Well done! Thank you for being an inspiration and so lovingly taking care of all of us. I'm in awe. Much love. And...we can do it!


Chile

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #393 on: February 26, 2015, 04:25:11 PM »
You are a true trailblazer Lyon. Congratulations on the big one two zero.

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #394 on: February 27, 2015, 12:30:05 AM »
RE:  Your response to my response.

Wow, Lyon3.  You are just wicked awesome!


lyon03

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #395 on: February 27, 2015, 03:06:34 AM »
Day 121 no PMO / 15 days Youtube Free: Thank you everyone for your kind messages of support. I could not have made it without you. I had another great work day yesterday and can feel the cyber-addiction ebbing. But learning from past mistakes, I'm not quite ready to run through the streets naked screaming "I'm the man!" like during previous 'pink cloud' highs. This time around, slow and steady wins the race. My previous modus operandi was to put the pedal to the metal so to speak. I would work flat out, succeed a bit, then take my foot off the accelerator, coast, and eventually stop. Like my reboot, I now realize success is about daily victories, not just bursts of activity. The next 5 days are going to be fun. Today I have a business/networking lunch; then dinner with my BF; overnight at his place; then we're off to the Alps for 4 days of skiing (Saturday-Tuesday). The wonderful thing about being Canadian is everywhere is a step up weather-wise. For example, skiing in my frozen native land is a bit like some survival scene from the movie "Alive". Whereas skiing in Europe is comparatively warm and there are great restaurants, on the mountain! So you're really eating and drinking with a bit of skiing between restaurants. It's heaven. While things are going relatively well for me now, I wanted to send a shout out to fellow rebooters like Jaystock and Poker who have either relapsed or are struggling. I'd also like to write I'm thinking of all the new members. While my counter reads 121 days, I too am always just a click and a wank away from zero. I tried for roughly three years to stop PMO, failing time and time again. What I think worked this time was dealing with the root cause of my addiction. So I am trying to remain both humble and thankful in early recovery. Thanks for reading everyone. I'll likely post less over the coming days but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you all. Be well nation! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2015, 03:08:16 AM by lyon03 »

lyon03

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #396 on: February 27, 2015, 03:37:22 AM »
I just wrote this on R2G's thread and am re-posting it here:

"Thanks for sharing brother. You're still up and I'm just starting my workday here in Europe. Crazy. I wonder if porn hasn't warped our ideas of 'normal' sexuality. I think we all start our reboot with a d*ck obsession. "Will it work?" "I had a spontaneous boner!" "Morning wood was great." etc. Then we obsess about horniness, particularly during flatline. I think this is the wrong approach. Most of our days are asexually mundane and yet we seem to be chasing a porn paradigm. I read a wonderful thread that gave me pause. While I'm paraphrasing, the rebooter wrote something like:

"I have neither spontaneous erections nor morning wood but couldn't care less. My d*ck works just fine with my wife which is all that matters."

How true. We're all chasing a paradigm, constantly hard and horny, as if we're about to burst onto some porn set and perform. I think it's misguided. Don't get me wrong my friend. I am a very sexual person. But I now choose to express my sexuality with just one other man. Whether you choose men, women, groups, etc for your sex life makes no difference to me. But for years I yearned to be some freakish walking hard on ready to go at a moment's notice. That wasn't real life. That's not life today. That was a porn fantasy. Thanks for sharing because I learned something as I do everyday on this wonderful website. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION."
« Last Edit: February 27, 2015, 03:39:00 AM by lyon03 »

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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #397 on: February 27, 2015, 07:13:28 AM »
Amen.  On the occasions that my dick has been pressed into action since rebooting, he’s worked just fine too.  In the end, that’s all that matters.


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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #398 on: February 27, 2015, 10:40:56 PM »
Hi Lyon03,

I really appreciate all your daily posts. They are encouraging and helps me to see that I will not always feel like a piece of crap and able to be in a relationship. Sorry to sound so Johnny rain cloud, it's been a tough day, but I am not going to give up!! I am also working on getting back into shape again and working with trainers, my legs are still sore from Wednesday's workout  :D. I look forward to reading more of your journal. As long as the alps are the only slippery slope you find yourself on, I think you will be ok, at least in terms of PMO.  :)


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Re: 4 months PMO free!
« Reply #399 on: February 28, 2015, 02:24:25 AM »
Hi Lyon. Checking in after a looong absence. Glad to see you're still an inspiration to the nation :-)