Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 197822 times)

Leon

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #350 on: February 17, 2015, 01:23:41 PM »
Right on Leon!  It's hard to be human and not be classified as "this" or "that" because everyone wants to do that.  I don't know if it just makes things easier for some people or not or what. 

But, I am neither "this"  (straight) or "that" (gay), but tend to be attracted to humans for who they are and what they bring to my party, as well I what I can bring to theirs. 

Generalizing about men's behaviors vs. women's behaviors is a bit risky, and likely not all that accurate.  I don't like discussing my wife here because she is a rock in my life and brings me love, stability, assuredness, acceptance.  There is other stuff I don't care for like how long she stands at the kitchen sink washing the same dishes.  What the hell is she doing, anyway?  But you know, that is so trivial as to make no difference than as to be a questionable annoyance. 

The take home for me in that is categorizing and classifying, while convenient, can be misleading. 

I'm grateful for being here, for having you all here, and this was such a great post, I'm going to copy it to my own journal! 
Cheers

Exactly, R2G! Convenient, but misleading.

That's funny about wondering what you're wife is doing, taking so long at the sink!

Peace.


Leon

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #351 on: February 17, 2015, 01:40:41 PM »

I didn't realize there would be reboot homework Leon! Just kidding brother. Here are my replies:


You're welcome, Lyon. 'Reboot homework', lol... No doubt. I didn't mean to post a freakin' questionnaire,  ::) !

Thanks for all your replies, which were both honest and thought provoking. My views on these things have certainly changed over the years, coinciding with learning of God's unconditional love and acceptance of me, while simultaneously seeking my highest good and well being, has caused me to view myself and others along the same lines.

What an awesome journey we share together, and it's my hope for us to be in a perfect state of love, where the hidden treasure which lies deep within our hearts can be discovered and shine forth.

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #352 on: February 17, 2015, 03:34:53 PM »
Day 111 no PMO Day 5 no Youtube: Success! Finally a productive workday. While I'm not out of the (porn-infested) woods yet, today I had my most productive office day in years. I feel like a warrior princess....just call me Xena. I was up too early today, too excited, and lack of sleep is one of my triggers. And so not surprisingly triggered I was throughout the day. First I was triggered at the gym leering at my favourite gym bunny. I have to start scheduling my workouts when this guy isn't around because he is: gorgeous; early 30s; rocking body; the perfect *ss; and a tradesman. Second, while driving home thinking about my favourite tradie, the audio book I was listening to referred to a 'wharehouse' which reminded me of endless gay porn scenes I used to watch. On the relapse scale, I probably got to a 3/10 with "10" being relapse. This is disconcerting because I haven't thought about porn nor masturbation in forever. Moving on...While I slammed the book "The Slight Edge" in an earlier post, it actually helped me a lot today. Before I was looking for the office equivalent of a home run whereas today I simply wanted to get a base hit. Setting realistic tasks, keeping to them, and committing to work daily towards set goals is the better approach for me. So now my motto is: slow and steady wins the race....while eating grapes off the chest of my favourite gym bunny! Sorry friends I just couldn't resist. Thanks for reading and I'll check in with you tomorrow. LEERING AT THE GYM IS NOT AN OPTION.

     
« Last Edit: February 17, 2015, 03:36:29 PM by lyon03 »

notgivinup

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #353 on: February 17, 2015, 04:56:37 PM »
Lyon...glad to read your latest post. Thanks for your honesty.

So, is the leering thing going to become a new goal counter?

You're a huge encouragement to me, and I'm glad you're in here.

Thanks for all the great posts.

porn is NOT an option.
fapping is NOT an option.

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #354 on: February 18, 2015, 01:34:53 AM »
Thanks for your kind post brother. Day 112 PMO-free Day 6 Youtube Free: I masturbated to orgasm last night. But no porn. I consider this a setback rather than a relapse as I wanted to go wank-free for a year. But I would like your input. Do you consider this a relapse? Should I re-set my counter? Please let me know as I value your opinions.

The background: I woke up around midnight with an erection and then proceeded to rub one out. It lasted all of 5 minutes, I only got half hard, and at the end I felt as empty as an off-season hotel. Three things struck me during the incident: first, just before orgasm I was thinking, "Why am I doing this?"; second, I didn't really enjoy it. Yes there was pleasure and a powerful orgasm, but I'm now used to sex with a partner which is so much better. Third, I don't really feel guilt or shame about it. How can I put this? My MO session last night was a bit like eating at McDonald's. Once or twice a year, I crave a Big Mac. I think it'll be so good to eat one, to the point I'm almost getting aroused. The expectation grows as I pull into the parking lot, get my meal, and then dig in. But then, post-meal I feel disappointed and naseous. Sex with my boyfriend is like the best steak dinner ever: roaring fire; the perfect red wine; a succulent meal; perfect dessert; and great conversation with someone I love very much. By comparison, last night's MO session was a f*cking happy meal.

Am I disappointed in myself? Yes. Do I feel guilt/shame? Not really. Is this the end of my journey? Hell no. I don't want to rationalize why I did this, just learn from it. I can see from my final post last night I was playing with fire all day, looking at or fantasizing about my favourite gym bunny. Come to think of it, I also fantasized about him during dinner. I think I'll make a point of talking to him at the gym next time I see him. Getting to know someone de-sexualizes him/her. I've learned something!

Thanks for reading everyone. MASTURBATION IS BORING.

PS - Can anyone explain how I can tick this on my counter without it being a reset? I cannot for the life of me figure it out. Thanks in advance brothers!
« Last Edit: February 18, 2015, 08:12:31 AM by lyon03 »

ready2go

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #355 on: February 18, 2015, 02:01:50 AM »
Lyon, I don' t think a five minute tug in the middle of the night while asleep is completely a lapse.  I'm not making excuses for you bud, but, continue to be easy on yourself.  I'm glad you told us though. 
For resetting your ticker, the way it's written is accurate.  There is no PMO to account for.  If you want a MO counter, you can add one of those and start that today, but there is no requirement to account for MO.  It's up to you.  I'm fine with your telling us and moving on.  Dude!  Over 112 days of PMO free!  How awesome are you?


u=496865

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #356 on: February 18, 2015, 02:10:15 AM »
Thanks for the encouragement and tech info brother. I'll remove the ticks from my counter. It feels good to share these things rather than keep everything inside. Now that I think of it, yesterday I was triggered: lack of sleep, turned on by another guy, and (later) fantasizing. I feel groggy today but happy you don't think it's a relapse. Be well.

Poker

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #357 on: February 18, 2015, 02:27:30 AM »
Perspective is important.   We will never be perfect.....  Never.   

What the real issue is here what are you striving for, and how do you handle the imperfections that life throws at you.....  If you honestly came to the table with the idea that a little is ok now and then, I'd be concerned.  I would say relapse is inevitable.  And there are guys on here who think they can fix the ED issue and then enjoy it once in a while and all will be good.  Those people are fooling themselves.

That is not you.  You understand full well what this has done to you, and you are painfully aware that it has to be banished from your life.   You faced a test, and you're not happy about the outcome.  I'm relieved to hear that.  Any other answer and you'd be fooling yourself.

Its  how we handle ourselves in the face of adversity.   That will determine our success and failures.  Not the Adversity.

Cheers,

p.

Patrick

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #358 on: February 18, 2015, 03:01:27 AM »
Hey brother, I don't think it's a relapse but I believe you fell into a dope trap. For me this led straight to PMO after a few days. You could ask yourself the question if you feel like "This was somehow exciting" or "I know this was a dangerous play with fire." I had to understand that consistent use of dope triggers will end in PMO. You're wonderful and strong, and I'm sure you know where to go :) Be well, my friend.


lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #359 on: February 18, 2015, 03:36:21 AM »
Thanks boys! I appreciate your love and support.

Jimmy James

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #360 on: February 18, 2015, 06:20:40 AM »
As long as you are not eating Big Macs everyday, you are probably OK.  But be carefully, because they are addictive too and before you know it, you will be fat.

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #361 on: February 18, 2015, 02:24:03 PM »
Day 112 PMO-free Day 6 Youtube Free (cont'd): End of the day here in Europe. I'm trying to smooth out the sine wave of my life: victory (yesterday at work) followed by defeat (last night's fapping). I am maddeningly self-destructive! I don't know what I found more disappointing: the fapping or the fact that it wasn't more fun. Therein lies the rub. I guess I can't go back to Big Macs (wanking) when I've tasted Chateaubriand (intimacy). Enough!

I can see the wave is smoothing out and am hopeful it will become a straight line in time. I was wrong I could reverse an entire lifetime's bad habits in just 100+ days. Hubris! But I'm learning. Small victories. I am learning to be honest again which is a huge step. I've felt real intimacy and it's the sweetest and most delicious thing ever. I've given up pornography but still struggle with screen addiction (phone, tablet, internet). My addiction keeps popping up like "Whac-A-Mole" at a carnival. I think it's time to pull the plug rather than keep bashing away. When losing, change the game I guess. So maybe I won't play "Porn-A-Mole" anymore. It finally feels like it's time to move on from addiction. Time to pull the plug. I'm tired my friends. I'm tired right down to my soul. Tired but I'm ready to get on with my life.

I joined Porn Addicts Anonymous (PAA) last October and am working through their 12 step program. I'm a member of their newly formed welcoming committee. We reach out to new members when they join to help facilitate their recovery. Yesterday I spoke to a man in his late 60s who recently joined. He's been a porn addict for over 50 years - 50 f*cking years! He was so happy to have spoken to another porn addict. I was happy to listen but felt a pang of fear. While I tried to remain neutral when chatting with him, I prayed: "Don't let this be me. Please God don't let me become this man." I think deep down that fear is what lead me to jerk off last night. Yet again I ran from the fear. Well I'm not f*cking running ever again.

Ok so I wanked last night. Nobody died...well maybe my inner addict died. I want to live, love and prosper (f*ck I sound like Spock). None of that is possible when I waste my life hiding from life, using my drug of choice: escape. Sharing my deepest thoughts and fears on this website has helped me so much. I'm going to keep going brothers. I've beaten porn and now I'm going to beat my worst enemy: the former me. Tomorrow is another day. And every day gives me yet another chance to fulfill my dreams and reach my goals. Today was really hard but I'm still here thanks to you and your support. Tomorrow I'll try again. Until tomorrow, thanks for reading my friends. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION!   
« Last Edit: February 18, 2015, 02:32:57 PM by lyon03 »

Patrick

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #362 on: February 18, 2015, 02:46:22 PM »
 :) lyon03, please remember that you are a good man. It happens to the best of us. Nobody's perfect, and believing that you are (and the excitement that goes with it) are part of the addiction. (Now I sound like Spock.) I've been there, and I relapsed because of it. You reminded me to love and respect myself, and I ask you to do the same. Your fapping is SO human, especially if you want to fight the fear and the pain. Yes, you're learning, we all are. I thought I could stay clean because I WANTED to stay clean, until I didn't ;) There are no guarantees in life, all I can do is truck along with you guys and stay in the game. Feeling tired: I know it so well! I've felt so tired I literally couldn't move anymore. And then life goes on and throws you kisses, big fat ones. If I could I would give you a BIG hug now. You deserve it. Be well, my friend, and thanks for being here with us.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2015, 02:50:18 PM by Patrick »


lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #363 on: February 18, 2015, 04:01:30 PM »
Thanks Patrick. Off to bed. I got it all out of my head in into this thread so I feel much better. Until tomorrow nation, stay fabulous. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

avesraggiana

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #364 on: February 18, 2015, 07:01:20 PM »
Hey, Lyon3.

Sometimes, when you think you've stumbled, all it takes to recover is to talk it out or write it out. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

Much love.


lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #365 on: February 19, 2015, 01:28:18 AM »
Day 113 PMO-free Day 7 Youtube Free: Good morning nation! I'm feeling much better. Fitful sleep last night but I'm more centred today following yesterday's existential crisis. Like my last migraine (see previous post: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=2531.175), yesterday was less about the problem and more about my f*cked up way of reacting to it. Don't react and you don't have a problem. It's not the end of the world I jerked and I'm still porn free which is crucial. Reading my former posts, and there are many, I now understand the pattern of highs/lows that marks not only my recovery, but also my life. While I'm learning to work towards and accept small victories like getting back to work, these are usually followed by some form of self destructive behaviour like fapping. Understanding the pattern helps me work through the problem. But I can't do this alone. I often write about no longer posting here which is the wrong approach. This is my arrogance coming through as I want to feel above or better than my addiction. As I learned yesterday, more than ever I need this community and the love/support of its members. So thank you to everyone who has so lovingly supported me. It takes a village to raise a gay. Be well my friends. SELF DOUBT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.     
« Last Edit: February 19, 2015, 02:57:03 AM by lyon03 »

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #366 on: February 20, 2015, 01:14:25 AM »
You're still learning man, and you have the right mindset, if you mess up, don't beat yourself up about it, instead learn from it and move on.  Maxwell Maltz has a book, in which he clearly states that our minds understand goals through imagination and focus; if we focus on what we've done that is something we don't want to repeat; or if we focus on the things we don't want to do, we merely hasten our behavior towards those things.  Rather, learn from mistakes and focus/imagine a better outcome, and instead of focusing on what we don't want, focus on what we do want.  Keep going man, I know you will; just take your determination and passion and apply it towards the end result(s) you want, and focus on those.
There‚Äôs one thing that is guaranteed to increase your feelings of control over your life: a bias toward action.  - Mel Robbins

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #367 on: February 20, 2015, 06:49:25 AM »
Thanks NTG! I appreciate your support. Day 114 PMO-free Day 8 Youtube Free: The last 24 hours were great. I babysat my kids as they had a day off school. It was a warm spring-like day here in Europe so we played Frisbee and catch outside. (Sorry for everyone living through Snowmageddon in New England.) Last night I had dinner with my boyfriend and another close friend at my place. While I don't write about him, I've become very close to a gay friend and his wonderful husband. Pre-reboot, I surrounded myself with rather negative and angry people, many from my ex-wife's family. My new friends are all very happy, hilarious, and centred. I am rediscovering fun meals with great conversation during which we discuss things, rather than criticize. It's bliss. My BF then slept over last night, great sex this morning, and now back to work. I find my highs and lows are smoothing out somewhat. The first 90 days of my reboot were peaks of invincibility to troughs of depression. (I believe they call this the 'pink cloud' period or the high I experienced living addiction-free.) I feel less like Superman now and more like Batman, without being so dark. This afternoon I have a final counselling session with my ex-wife. We started these sessions in September to work through our separation/divorce and the counsellor is kick ass. I decided to combine my step work from Porn Addicts Anonymous with today's counselling session to do step 9. This is when we ask forgiveness from those we have hurt. So I've written a letter I'll read to my ex-wife today saying I'm sorry for the porn, lying, cheating, but also expressing my hope for a new relationship based on honesty and trust. I'll head to the gym after our session to sweat out any lingering tension although it should go well. We get along better divorced, better than when married at least. I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post so I'll end it. Be well nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
« Last Edit: February 20, 2015, 01:39:57 PM by lyon03 »

Gay Gladiator

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #368 on: February 20, 2015, 07:44:36 AM »
Lyon--great to read your post. I can identify with the "pink cloud" phase of stopping the porn addiction, cuz I'm there. It's exhilarating to be free, a high in itself, and feels...magic, like everything is now OK and just as it should be. Then comes the emotional roller coaster, and the many whys: why didn't I stop this before, why didn't I see this before, where would I be had I never gone down this cruddy boulevard of PMO? (all the while, thinking I was just entitled to a little private fun that didn't harm anybody else). And then crash...reality!i think about the emotional deprivation i've caused my family and myself, the neglect to my business cuz my mind (and often body) was elsewhere, and it all suddenly feels a little desperate. Then I suddenly remind myself I'm makin progress, and feel a degree of acceptance...then euphoria, then depression, then whatever else might overcome me. Steady emotional state? Hahahaha so not. I think it's great your are able to make amends to your ex-wife, and committed to honesty going forward, come what may. It's a giant step, and easy to say...but you seem to be actually doing it, and embracing an addiction-free life and becoming true to yourself, all at the same time. Nice! Curtis

Leon

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #369 on: February 20, 2015, 09:31:17 AM »
Lyon, sorry to hear about that episode. But I agree with R2G, that it's a lapse, but not a relapse. You're doing wonderful.

Your post reminded me of my day 75, when I lapsed, and had to decide what to do with my counter. Keeping it going helped my over all reboot, as I'm sure it will yours. Wrote about this a little in my latest check in.

Be well- you are not your addiction.

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #370 on: February 20, 2015, 02:07:43 PM »
Day 114 PMO-free Day 8 Youtube Free: Thanks Curtis and Leon for your kind messages. Today was mixed on the work front but very productive on the emotional front. If you're new to my thread here is the short version:

- Gay
- Father of 3
- Divorcing my wife of 16 years...because I'm gay
- On very good terms with the ex-wife
- 15 years of hard-core and high-speed porn use
- Sex addiction popped up 2 years ago so was also addicted to gay hook ups
- Now in long-term relationship (same guy for 2.5 years)

Who wants me over for Easter? I had a final joint counselling session with my ex-wife this afternoon. We started counselling in September to work through our separation/divorce. I'm also working through a 12-step programme for porn addicts with a group called PAA (Porn Addicts Anonymous). Step 9 is about seeking amends with those we have hurt so I read my wife a letter of apology. I was so emotional my voice cracked the entire time like a pre-pubescent teen. I sounded like Yoda. On the whole, it was a huge relief because she forgave me, we cried, then hugged, and (symbolically) closed the door on our broken history (forever). She's such a wonderful person and can now be smotheringly wonderful with another man. Onward!

Lovely sunny day here in Europe with temperatures around 10 degrees (low 50s for our American readers). After the counselling session, I hit the gym and all my favourite gym bunnies were there: mr blue eyes with the rock-hard *ss and my favourite muscle-painter-tradie guy. Rather than obsessing about these guys, which led to me fapping earlier this week, I made a lot of eye contact, chatted a bit, and generally tried not to be a gym sleaze ball. Seems to have worked but it also helped that I had sex this morning with my boyfriend...something I just remembered!

I'm rambling on like a drunk bridesmaid. This week was a bit of a roller coaster but I had zero urge to watch porn and found my midnight wank session earlier this week boring, unsatisfying, and kinda gross to be honest. So a hard-earned win this week...and closing in on 120 days. How epic is that? Just wanted to thank all of the regular contributors to my thread: Poker, Ready, Chiefmitch, Leon, Patrick, Phase2 and everyone else who has shared so openly and lovingly. You're the best (virtual) family this gay could ask for. Until tomorrow nation, PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.



 

 


 

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #371 on: February 21, 2015, 02:22:34 AM »
Day 115 no PMO / Day 9 No Youtube: Quick post nation as I'm off to the gym for my morning workout. Reboot taught me a valuable lesson that I think I only grasped this week. It's the small daily victories (or failures) that lead to success. For example, I decided to start a counter for my Youtube addiction and am thrilled to be on day 9 already. Where did the time go? Before I tried to reach my goals in two ways: the home run; or midnight cramming. The home run approach was just standing there and hoping that in one swing I'd achieve everything I wanted. Crack/applause! This was an illusion because Babe Ruth led his league in both strike outs and home runs. I wanted the grand slam without the effort. I've since changed my mind. My other approach was midnight cramming. I tend to put things off until the last minute and then pull it off when things get to a crisis level. Anyone can perform when in a panic, but it takes too much out of me do to this. Porn simply fogged up the whole process. It prevented me from thinking clearly and disrupted my normal work schedule. Without porn, I'm getting back on track. So today I'm starting to work on daily victories that will get me to my goals. I have a certain health goal so I'm heading to the gym to make it a reality. Have a good (and porn-free) weekend everyone. PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2015, 02:31:30 AM by lyon03 »

Leon

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #372 on: February 21, 2015, 11:29:54 AM »
Day 115 no PMO / Day 9 No Youtube: Quick post nation as I'm off to the gym for my morning workout. Reboot taught me a valuable lesson that I think I only grasped this week. It's the small daily victories (or failures) that lead to success. For example, I decided to start a counter for my Youtube addiction and am thrilled to be on day 9 already. Where did the time go? Before I tried to reach my goals in two ways: the home run; or midnight cramming. The home run approach was just standing there and hoping that in one swing I'd achieve everything I wanted. Crack/applause! This was an illusion because Babe Ruth led his league in both strike outs and home runs. I wanted the grand slam without the effort. I've since changed my mind. My other approach was midnight cramming. I tend to put things off until the last minute and then pull it off when things get to a crisis level. Anyone can perform when in a panic, but it takes too much out of me do to this. Porn simply fogged up the whole process. It prevented me from thinking clearly and disrupted my normal work schedule. Without porn, I'm getting back on track. So today I'm starting to work on daily victories that will get me to my goals. I have a certain health goal so I'm heading to the gym to make it a reality. Have a good (and porn-free) weekend everyone. PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.

I can totally relate to what you say here. It's a matter of being willing to do the 'hard part' of saying, No, to this stuff- consistently and unreservedly until it becomes a defeated enemy. Playing 'footsies' with this crap under the table, while claiming to be against it was my approach for too many years.

By the way, see you this Easter  ;)

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #373 on: February 22, 2015, 04:49:43 AM »
Day 116 PMO-free / Day 10 Youtube Free: Good morning nation! Leon if you want me over for Easter dinner, please make a note I like expensive wine and gravy. On Thursday, I'll reach 120 days PMO-free. Time flies! I guess former rebooters were correct: the further we get from ground zero (the first day PMO-free) the faster it gets. I now have the perfect metaphor for reboot. If you're like me, there is a very long and complicated history that caused my addiction. So here is the metaphor.

Reboot for the mature person is like cleaning out a cluttered garage. I'm not talking about a little bit of clutter. I'm talking about the "Hoarders" kind of garage. The three-car garage that has so much sh*t in it, you can't even see the back. You sigh and wonder where you're going to start but you're motivated. You get started and over the course of a month and 16 trips to the dump, you finally get that f*cker organized. Everything is in it's place, you've swept the floor, and you can now park your car again. But wait! There is a door at the back of the garage. You never noticed this door. And you open it to find yet another garage, and it's exactly like the one you just finished. You're weary but start the process all over again. Then there is another door, another cluttered garage, then yet another door. And on it goes. It seems endless because it is.

I've worked through many stages of my addiction:

1. Coming out/accepting my homosexuality
2. Ending my marriage/toxic relationships
3. Stopping casual sex/hookups
4. I stop watching TV and give up PMO
5. Early reboot
6. Withdrawal from porn addiction
7. Emotional reboot (dealing with the root causes of my addiction)
8. Professional/career reboot
9. Early recovery
10. Long-term sobriety

That's a lot of bloody garages! As an addict, I always wanted the easy or pain-free way out. I worked through each of these stages only to find that f*cking door time and time again. I'd open it and have to start the process over again. I've learned that reboot like life is a series of challenges. I've relearned how to deal with these challenges through honesty; hard work; and community.

I've written a lot of 'how to' threads but wrongly approached these from the stainpoint the challenges would end. This was incorrect. Rather than see reboot as an end, I now see it as a process to deal not only with PMO addiction, but also with all life's challenges. So here is my personal how-to list on overcoming challenges:

1. Honesty: I tend to minimalize, rationalize, or deny certain challenges. "I'm not addicted to porn. I can control it." This is the wrong approach. I have to see things for how they are, and not better/worse than they truly are. Addicts are very good at lying to others, but we're best at lying to ourselves. I am learning to be honest with myself. And this honesty forced me to accept I could not overcome my addictions alone. Suggestion: Start being honest with yourself. I find writing keeps me honest. The slow process of writing something forces me to be honest. I can mentally lie to myself but for some reason can't post lies on this site.

2. Community: There is no shame in asking for help. But asking for help requires honesty and humility. Once I accepted I was a porn addict, I could then reach out to others for help and advice. I accidentally used this approach when coming out. I reached out to other gay dads to share in their wisdom. The wrong approach is to take on all of life's problems alone. There is weakness in isolation and loneliness. Suggestion: Post frequently, openly, and honestly on this forum. As we relearn to be honest with ourselves, we may not need this community as much. But there is a certain security in knowing it will always be here.

3. Knowledge: Thanks to the internet, I now have instant access to books, websites, and people who have successfully confronted my many problems. I've read books about coming out, dads who come out, and husbands who come out. I've read about divorce, addiction, and pornography addiction. These books gave me a blueprint for dealing with my problems because they were written by people who successfully confronted their various problems. I wrongly tried to deal with my many issues without the proper knowledge. I no longer do this. Now when confronted with a problem, I honestly identify it, reach out to my community, and read as much as I can about it. Suggestion: When confronted with a problem, learn everything you can about it about it first. This will help you create a plan of action for later. 

4. Accountability: Through this website, the Porn Addicts Anonymous website, a 12-step programme, and through having a sponsor, I am now 100% accountable for my actions. When left to my own devices, I start filling up my garage with more sh*t. But if I make a daily effort to remain sober, honest, and accountable, I tend to keep ahead of the emotional 'clutter' that destroyed my life. Suggestion: Get a sponsor or sobriety partner. When you start falling back on old habits, it's important to pick up the phone and call someone. Sharing your feelings lifts the burden.

I hope that helps. Thanks for reading nation. I will continue to follow the above four steps for the next year. I may post more or less but I am reassured this loving community will be with me through thick and thin, good and bad, highs and lows. ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: February 22, 2015, 05:07:36 AM by lyon03 »

Leon

  • Guest
Re: My blueprint for recovery
« Reply #374 on: February 22, 2015, 01:57:11 PM »
Excellent post, Lyon! And, mental note taken as to your (very expensive) tastes...

If I may make comment on your analogy, it was good and useful. But thinking in terms of 'endlessness', an endless amount of (potentially) messy garages door after door, may communicate to ourselves a 'quagmire' situation like Vietnam.

What do I mean? Well, many folk dealing with addictions do so as an 'open-ended' warfare, whereby there's no exit strategy, no endgame, no expectation of complete victory.

As in your garage analogy, though it may seem like endless doors/garages, it's important to define the one garage (porn addiction) as definable, having four walls, a floor, and whatever decor. This means that, when it's defeated, it's defeated. Sure, you may be cleaning out other garages (not directly related to porn addiction), but you've overcome that one, it's clean! You can celebrate that, while dealing with other areas of your life. This doesn't mean that all the garages aren't connected, because they are (holistically), but in dealing with an addiction, we definitely want to have a clear marked definition of the war that we're waging and winning.

By the way, I like the new title of your journal, "My blueprint for recovery".