Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 197845 times)

Poker

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Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #325 on: February 09, 2015, 04:52:56 PM »
Lyon...  when you sought help changing your porn habits, you found online resources.   If you need help with business and motivation.......... 

I find Youtube also offers some great resources on self motivation and business. Find a few different channels.  I myself have ventured out into the TedX talks.  Not all business....  but there are a few good ones on motivation.

Congrats on the progress though.  Think of where you were this time last year just before V-day.

Cheers,

p.

lyon03

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Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #326 on: February 09, 2015, 04:59:09 PM »
Think of where you were this time last year just before V-day.

You nailed it brother. Last February I was in a complete tailspin. Your post reminded me to count my blessings. Thanks for that. Love, D.

lyon03

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Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #327 on: February 10, 2015, 03:50:38 AM »
Day 104 PMO-free / Day 15 of career reboot: Days 90-100 flew by but now in the 100s, the days are crawling along!  Now just over two weeks on the career reboot and I'm making incremental improvements. I was wrong to think I could just undo 15-20 years of wasted screen time. Like Chiefmitch, I'll have to start being thankful for daily victories. Whereas before I had just one speed, distracted, I now have two speeds: distracted or flat out working. This I see as a good thing. I am seeing bursts of productivity I never had before. So I am improving my productivity and concentration. I think my fear of success, which is truly a fear of being happy and fulfilled, is starting to melt away. While I don't write about it very much, I am also a member of Porn Addicts Anonymous ("PAA"). This is a 12-step programme for people like me with porn addiction. I am currently on step 9, which is when we apologize to everyone we have harmed because of our addiction. My addict's mind is highly undisciplined so PAA, the steps, the weekly meetings, and having a sponsor have been like a blueprint for my recovery. If you're struggling with porn addiction, I highly recommend checking it out (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). I'm going to post on the PAA website and then get back to work. I'll check in at the end of the day. Thanks for reading everyone. HAPPINESS/SUCCESS ARE OPTIONS. 

Bagpuss

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Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #328 on: February 10, 2015, 08:05:06 AM »
Great journal/journey Lyon. Thanks for the advice, encouragement and sharing your experience. Fantastic achievement, here's to everyone else reaching that milestone.

Peace.

lyon03

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Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #329 on: February 10, 2015, 04:39:39 PM »
Thanks brother. Late here in Europe and I'm off for bed/dinner. Mixed bag workwise but I'm keeping my head up. I live to fight on again tomorrow. Be well nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

lyon03

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Re: 100+ DAYS! AND STILL LEARNING EVERY DAY.
« Reply #330 on: February 11, 2015, 12:42:41 AM »
Day 105 PMO-free / Day 16 of career reboot: Still PMO-free and committed to a life without P & M. But really enjoying every explosive O with my boyfriend these days. And very much looking forward to seeing him again Friday. Grrrrr.

This is going to be a bit of a longer post because I feel the need this early morning in Europe. Yesterday was a complete wash workwise unfortunately. Again I started with the best of intentions, only to spend the majority of my day surfing Youtube videos. While the videos were g-rated, mostly coming out videos and cute gay couples vlogging, I was going down the path towards relapse and didn't understand why. Searching "gay" on Youtube inevitably leads to that damned right hand column. You know the one. It has all those fleshy, trigger-filled porn-like trailers. While I didn't watch any of these, losing track of time in youtube, clicking from one video to the next, and then feeling like sh*t at the end of a wasted day were all too familiar. I didn't understand why it happened but, EUREKA, it hit me early this morning. I'm running. (GET READY FOR ONE OF MY FAMOUS LISTS!) I realized I've been putting off some hard business decisions. I work in a service-based and customer-driven industry. So my job is to keep my clients happy. On the business front, the following tend to trigger me:

1. Unhappy Customers: Any situations where I feel I'm disappointing my clients. I am a pleaser so this kills me.

2. Money: I still tend to pay quite late because I fear poverty more than I fear failure. This results in me paying people late or waiting until a situation becomes a crisis before hurriedly making payment.

3. Making Mistakes: Although reboot and encouraging others have taught me greater humility, I still have a hell of a time admitting fault, apologizing, and then moving on. I express my lack of self-esteem through a mask of over confidence and even arrogance.

I now see that 1-3 have been in the back of my mind, I was doing porn-like things to run from the hard decisions, and will remedy that this week. Man recovery is f*cking hard work! Just when you think you've got things sorted, the bad habits flare up again. Whether in business, school, or my early recovery, I have always wanted things to be soft and easy. I've always wanted my life to be like cruise control - just riding down the highway without a care in the world. This was utopian bullsh*t. Life is full of challenges. I have to stop trying to take the easy way out. This is why I chose addiction. Addiction is nothing more than a drug to delay making the hard decisions. But in avoiding or delaying, we simply make things worse. Wow I've written myself into an epiphany!

There are four other things I haven't really written about that were very basic and yet very important elements that helped with my recovery. They are:

1. No TV/Games:

Before Reboot: I suffered from not only a PMO addiction, but also a general screen addiction. I stopped watching TV during my reboot. I was on a steady screen diet of porn, fleshy TV series (like 'Game of Thrones'), or mind-numbing reality TV (like the 'Real Housewives' series). I've since put both porn and TV out of my life. This doesn't mean no TV whatsoever, I watch 1-2 movies a month, but it's no longer part of my daily diet. I also gave up video games like Plants vs. Zombies. I tried playing a game on my tablet during the longish flight back from Israel last month but after about 30 seconds, I thought: "This game is a compete waste of time," and read a book instead.

After Reboot: I no longer have a TV in my apartment and read about 30-minutes to an hour daily before bed. Post-divorce, I now live alone and so when I have downtime while cooking, cleaning etc, I throw on an audio book or listen to music.

2. Sleep:

Before Reboot: In the depths of my PMO addiction, I suffered from chronic insomnia. I've learned that insomnia runs in my family, mostly on my mother's side. My mother, sister, aunt, and cousin all suffer from it. A combination of genetics and my porn habit meant my daily routine was something like this: up at 7:00; PMO on and off at the office from 8:30 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.; home for dinner; games on my tablet (like the highly addictive Plants vs. Zombies); some trashy and sex-filled TV show or fleshy reality TV show from 9 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. Surfing the internet aimlessly until 1-2 a.m. Sleep and repeat.

After Reboot: Insomnia cured. I start fading around 10 p.m., fall asleep around 11-11:30 p.m., fall asleep almost instantly, and wake up exactly 6.5-7 hours later. I now feel rested when I wake up rather than with some screen-induced mental hangover.

3. Diet/Exercise:

This isn't a before and after because I got back into shape about 4 years ago. Exercise is an integral part of reboot and long-term recovery. I am a 40+ year old gym bunny and if I go 2-3 days without a workout, I start to get very twitchy. I do a combination of both weights and cardio and do three different workouts: first is heavy weights (traditional weightlifting with 3 sets and the pyramid of increasing weights with lower reps); second is body pump where I do non-stop exercises (usually in 3s) working different parts of my body without rest; and the third workout is a combined version of the first two workouts. The results have been encouraging. Most importantly, exercise helped me work off the worst of PMO withdrawal and, later, sexual tension. Post-divorce, I started shopping for myself again and have improved my diet considerably. I was addicted to chocolate before and now just don't buy it, although I will splurge about once a month and eat some. I also eat mostly fat-free meals and am starting to see an impressive decrease in body fat while maintaining my muscle. It's no secret that if you want to see your abs, you have to reduce your body fat so they show. 

4. Socializing:

Before reboot: I acted like some pervert or sexual deviant. I carried around my shameful porn secret like some foul smell. I wouldn't talk to people, had trouble making eye contact, and generally existed in my virtual world. If I saw people socially, I was always very awkward. I'd talk over people, couldn't listen, and generally gave everyone the impression I'd rather be fapping that chatting with them. I was also highly critical of others, hoping their mistakes would somehow mask my own failings. I tended to isolate as well.

After reboot: I just feel more comfortable with myself and therefore more at ease around people. I no longer have anything to hide and this makes me more open/approachable. I am a much better listener than before rebooting. I now actively listen to what people are trying to tell me, rather than waiting for a pause in the conversation to blurt out my opinions. I am less critical, more forgiving, and more patient than before reboot. I am still by nature a bit of a loner, but I now accept this is just who I am rather than some horrible character flaw.

I have to end this post because I'm heading to the gym shortly and then must get back to work. I feel much better now that I shared why I was going down the wrong path to relapse. I also feel like I've contributed by sharing some simple things that helped me during my reboot. To everyone struggling with PMO addiction, my heart goes out to you. I know reboot is difficult. But everything in life worthwhile is hard I guess. My life is so much better without porn and yours will be too my friends. Stay strong. Stay focused, and remember: PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2015, 08:49:16 AM by lyon03 »

Patrick

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Re: 100+ DAYS! AND STILL LEARNING EVERY DAY.
« Reply #331 on: February 11, 2015, 03:42:50 AM »
Thanks, lyon03, for that beautiful post. I love your taking the time to write this, and it helps me a lot. It gives me hope and touches me. There's life before death, and there's life after porn ;) Be well, my friend, and have a great day.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2015, 03:46:27 AM by Patrick »


lyon03

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Re: 100+ DAYS! AND STILL LEARNING EVERY DAY.
« Reply #332 on: February 12, 2015, 02:50:14 AM »
Day 106 PMO-Free: Through reboot and a 12-step programme for porn addicts, I believe I’ve learned the tools to remain PMO-free for the rest of my life. On October 29, 2014, I stopped watching porn and adopted a ‘porn is not an option’ attitude. For me, there was no going back to the shame of wasting my life endlessly fapping to XXX videos. For over a month now, I have unsuccessfully attempted to stage a career/business reboot. I own my own business and obviously my professional life suffered because of my out-out-control porn (and later sex) addiction. I didn’t really understand why I’m not making better progress with my career reboot until now. Addiction is a bit like the carnival game ‘Whac-A-Mole.’ All addiction is escapism and while I was off the porn, off the gay hookup sites, and had stopped anonymous sex, I now find myself with a G-rated internet addiction. This is just another form of addiction/escapism and it stops today. My new motto is ‘screen addiction is not an option.’ Yes I stopped the PMO, but am still guilty of the following:

1. A Youtube addiction: I have the Youtube habits of a 12-year-old “One Direction” fangirl. I now spend more time online with gay couples and gay pretty boys than I do with my own children. This is a complete waste of my time. Last night I probably spent about 5 hours watching (and crying to) gay marriage proposals, gay weddings, vlogs from gay couples, etc.

2. Internet Escapism: When I hit a snag at work or feel a challenge coming on, I escape to virtual reality through obsessively posting here, reading online newspapers, checking the Euro-dollar exchange rate (my business is in Europe), or the like.

I have now accepted my PMO addiction has morphed into a general cyber addiction. So what now? Rather than relive the guilt and shame that feed my addiction, I prefer to see the upside. I have beaten porn addiction, found love, and my business is thriving. But I want to relearn the concentration, focus, and drive to take my business to the next level. This will be impossible until I apply my PMO reboot skills to a reboot from cyber addiction. So what now? Here is my game plan:

1.   Youtube is now off limits: 99.9% of my Youtube time is to escape, 0.1% of Youtube time is to post professional videos for my businesses. So I’m giving myself 30 days off Youtube and will start another counter for this goal.

2.   Limit my Reboot Nation time: This website is an integral part of my sobriety/recovery from porn addiction. But healthy recovery has warped into more of an addiction lately via excessively posting here. As such, I’ve written this post in word (offline) and simply cut/pasted it into my thread. I’ll also spend less than 15 minutes/day posting on other’s threads. I think this is a healthy strategy because I feel it’s important to share with others. Helping others through reboot ultimately helps me remain PMO-free. So I need to remain active on the website but not obsessive. So 15 mins/day will have to suffice.

3.   Limit my Internet Time: I am going to cut my online time in half to 4 hours a day. This will force me to work offline either planning, writing, reading, researching etc. For example, I don’t need to obsessively check my emails nor be on Skype with my staff (who work with me virtually). I can download my emails 2-3 times a day, draft responses while offline, and then send the replies out in batches when I reconnect to the internet.

So this is my new strategy but I’d love your input. If anyone else has battled general cyber addiction, please let me know what worked for you. I’ll check in again at the end of the day with my progress. SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2015, 02:55:09 AM by lyon03 »

lyon03

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Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Reply #333 on: February 12, 2015, 03:00:24 PM »
Day 106 PMO-free Day 1 Youtube free: Success! I feel embarrassed I didn't cut Youtube out of my life at the start of my reboot. Silly me. Well, live and learn my friends. I'm ashamed to write this next list (LIST ALERT!) but I survived a full work day without Youtube. This is probably the first time in about 8 years I've gone a full office day without watching a Youtube video. Funny how I didn't drop dead without:

- Lip sync complications from Rupaul's 'Drag Race'
- Coming out compilation vids
- Gay marriage proposal compilations (I get misty every time)

Not surprisingly, I was much more productive and focused today. I'm still working towards my career/professional reboot goal of having a full, non-stop, uninterrupted, power babe 8-hour workday. In short, I want to spend each day working towards my goals, rather than watching drag queens lip sync. So today was a solid 6/10 when noted against my dream work day. So this is my goodbye to Rupaul and all the other life wasting sh*t I watched for years on Youtube. Thanks to everyone for your love, support and advice. While I'm on the road to recovery, and appreciate the relapse ditch will always be close no matter how far I go, this gay has his hands firmly on the wheel and I've got my eyes fixed on my destination: dreamland. While it took me a long time to make this simple choice to cut out all useless screen stimulation, I can now proudly write: RUPAUL IS NO LONGER AN OPTION!

PS: I've also changed my photo to Freddie Prinz Jr. Life just keeps getting better.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2015, 05:53:30 PM by lyon03 »

Phase2

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Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Reply #334 on: February 12, 2015, 04:05:22 PM »
Good job. You won't be missing ANYTHING! No impressive obituary ever read 'he watched a hell of a lot of fierce drag queen vids.' Congrats.



Gay Gladiator

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Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Reply #335 on: February 13, 2015, 08:04:38 AM »
Lyon--I appreciate the "whack-a-mole" character of porn/ cyber addiction. Can't say I watch YouTube much (but was just thinking...hmmm, never seen RuPaul lip synch, I would like that...). But staying off the porn sites has freed up hours each day, of unsatisifed computer searching. I'm in danger of becoming a Wikipedia junkie, looking up biographies of all the actors I see in movies I watch (ask me anything you want to know about Benedict Cumberbatch). What's the point? Not sure if I need k9 blocker, or a whole computer time-out for a while. Day 11, and am acknowledging...lack of focus, to put it mildly. Today: no extraneous Internet searches, and focusing on what I do for a living. Since I work for myself, shouldn't be too hard to be productive. Also did a quick calculation of how much time I spent with porn, in all it's forms, and dissatisfying anonymous hook ups, over the decades. The actual number...well, enough for a lifetime. And certainly enough for my lifetime. Zippy cold out, but beautiful sunrise. That's plenty, for today. I think I'm just going to concentrate on breathing, for a while.

lyon03

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Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Reply #336 on: February 14, 2015, 05:37:30 AM »
Day 108 PMO-free Day 2 Youtube free: Hey brothers! I didn't post yesterday because I simply didn't have the time. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite for posting my 'lite beer' theory on countless fellow members' threads and yet blindly doing the exact same thing. As I've often written, when you're an alcoholic and love whiskey for example, switching to lite beer isn't sobriety/recovery. It's just rationalization. Similarly, I stopped my porn addiction (whiskey) only to binge on a lighter screen addiction: Youtube (lite beer). I was wrongly focusing on a career/professional reboot when I was still battling a morphed version of my PMO addiction. Well I gave up Youtube (and all other wasted screen time) two days ago and I feel that I'm finally back on track: both personally and professionally. I'm not going to cry victory as this would be premature, but I feel like I'm on the right path to beating not just PMO but all of my screen addictions. With regards to Youtube, I was just using it as a porn substitute. I can now see the patterns were exactly the same: losing time; clicking/searching/fast forwarding; and virtually (yet falsely) connecting with the people on screen. It was just escapism all over again. Once I stopped using Youtube, just like stopping porn, my brain craved the scenes, actors, and dopamine highs. I want a real life, not some virtual version. I now understand all screens, whether TV, porn, Youtube, or even movies, are just an escape for me. I no longer want to run from life, nor life's challenges. So I've set a counter for Youtube addiction and am celebrating day 2. While I have a 30-day goal, I know I'll never use it again.
     
Not surprisingly, the last 48 hours screen-free have been great. Yesterday I had mind-blowing sex with my boyfriend (PIED and ED are a thing of the past), then lunch together, then back to work, then off to my friends' beautiful manor house nestled in rolling vineyards nearby for a night of story telling. Yes you read correctly. There were about 30 people there to listen to a professional storyteller. This woman recited from memory 7 legends from various different cultures: French; Arab; Eastern European; Chinese; African; and others. She spoke for about 90 minutes. I was captivated. Not only was she a terrific storyteller with a beautiful and melodious voice, many of her stories resonated with me. It was both magical and serene.

My reboot may be in its final stages, but my new life (screen-free) is just beginning. Thanks for reading everyone. Your love and support have saved me. I couldn't have come this far alone. SCREEN ADDICTION IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2015, 10:51:15 AM by lyon03 »

avesraggiana

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Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Reply #337 on: February 14, 2015, 09:37:21 AM »
OH... I would absolutely LOVE to hear a professional story teller!  I’m recalling the scene right now from Out of Africa, where Meryl Streep’s character, over a candle lit dinner, starts relating a story to Robert Redford.  The moment she opened her mouth, I was in a thrall.

Happy Valentine’s Day, to you too!


Jimmy James

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Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Reply #338 on: February 14, 2015, 09:40:20 AM »
I spend too much time on non-porn-lite sites such as Baseball Fever and TivoCommunity.  They are not even remotely porn, but they do take up too much of my time.

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #339 on: February 14, 2015, 05:16:24 PM »
Thanks for your kind messages. While I am no expert, I'd recommend that fellow rebooters who are 90+ days into recovery remain vigilant about their addictions mutating. My 'porn-lite' was Youtube which I've now given up but for others it may be fleshy TV, Facebook, Tumblr, etc. It's like Poker wrote, "No matter how far we travel along the road to recovery, the ditch is always there." I always wanted my reboot to be a cure, rather than long-term remission. I guess I've always looked for the easy way out. I now accept that's no longer possible. But life is getting better. Taking a cue from Chiefmitch, I'm going to write three things I'm grateful for today:

1. Sobriety: I never realized how wonderful life could be without PMO. Life with addiction is like black & white TV, whereas sobriety is a full-on IMAX movie.

2. Family:
My three wonderful kids who still love and accept me even though I'm divorcing their mom. My ex-wife has also been so kind and courageous even though the end of our relationship almost killed her (emotionally-speaking).

3. Gay Love:
WARNING SEXUAL CONTENT. I came out in May 2012. Then I thought my world would end. Bullsh*t. I am so grateful for having met the man of my dreams while staying on good terms with my ex-wife (in fact I'm staying over at her house tonight while she enjoys a 'girls weekend' away). I've now done both a straight relationship and a gay relationship...and gay is so much f*cking better. Sorry to my straight reboot brothers as you'll never know. Two men together are the perfect fit. Now before getting grossed out, consider for a moment the advantages of (male) gay love: 

- No more "What are you thinking?" EVER! In the 2.5 years I've been with my BF, I've never said nor heard this. I never have to dig to find out what my boyfriend is thinking. Largely because men just don't have deep thoughts and if a guy has something to say, we just say it. It's f*cking heaven.

- Independence. Here is a great example. I went to my BF's company Xmas party in December and probably spent no more than 20% of the night with him. Rather than get pissy and needy, I preferred to get smashed at the bar with his co-workers. No quiet anger, no sniffly "I was all alone", just me at the bar with his co-worker's credit card yelling for a round of shots. Guys just aren't as needy.   

- Sex. Two men in bed is all business my friends. No more negotiating, nor huge build up, nor cold shoulder in bed because someone 'isn't in the mood'. Guys are usually ready to go...all the time. And once finished, no deep pillow talk (see above), just sleep. On Friday I had great sex with my BF, a nap, and then out for burgers/beer. Nirvana!   

- No more lady tears. Now that I've 'switched teams', I realize my ex-wife used tears as a weapon. Let's face it, once she turns on the waterworks, the argument is over...and you just lost. Fighting with a man is a bit like fighting with your best friend as a kid. You yell a bit, wrestle a bit, but at the end you forgot why you fought and just go back to being best friends.

- Silence. My ex-wife really had the gift to gab. She talked all the time. On a good day, I probably registered about 20-25% of what she said. (Sorry ladies but it's true.) Men have less to say so they talk less or sometimes we don't talk at all. It's bliss.

- Being best friends. A gay relationship isn't like dating your best friend....you are dating your best friend. I can't tell you how many times I've been at dinner parties with my gay friends when the former boyfriend is there, even when his ex brings the new boyfriend. And they still like each other. Bromance is less complicated than straight love and, even when the relationship ends, usually guys remain on good terms. We're just not that complicated.

Thanks everyone for reading my rambling post. I had a lot of fun writing it. I'll leave you with this: PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.   
« Last Edit: February 15, 2015, 06:35:03 AM by lyon03 »

Poker

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #340 on: February 14, 2015, 09:02:00 PM »
Poker shakes his head........


Cheers!

p.

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #341 on: February 15, 2015, 07:59:25 AM »
Hey Lyon, really happy to see you sharing that gratitude. It pays off, I'm telling you.


avesraggiana

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #342 on: February 15, 2015, 10:21:10 AM »
Great post, Lyon3!

As I tell my straight friends, "Women need a reason, men just need a place.”

Though, when the occasion calls for it, and when the best TOPS bring it out in me, I can totally play the blonde, clueless, dumb-chick-thing: he’s driving like a maniac to get me back to his house and get me naked ASAP, and I’m clutching on to the armrest and cooing, “Whaaaat?....no dinner? no movie?!"
« Last Edit: February 15, 2015, 11:46:14 PM by avesraggiana »


lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #343 on: February 15, 2015, 10:46:08 AM »
"Women need a reason, men just need a place.”

Nailed it! I didn't know you were part of the Nation's growing pink army my friend. I always enjoy reading your posts...and will pay even more attention than before now that we've got a growing bromance. Be well. 
« Last Edit: February 16, 2015, 02:04:52 AM by lyon03 »

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #344 on: February 16, 2015, 02:19:42 AM »
Day 110 no PMO Day 4 no Youtube: Thanks everyone for your kind (and hilarious) posts.

I babysat my kids for 24 hours while staying at my ex-wife's house. I had to pinch myself a few times Saturday & Sunday. I was staying at my ex-wife's house! How the f*ck did that happen? I so feared the labels 'separation' and 'divorce'. To me they were like scarlet letters. We are so programmed to get and remain married that I couldn't even fathom the freedom and happiness I'd feel outside of my relationship. I met my ex-wife when I was 18 years old. I was a child. I am now 43, so a quarter century older and perhaps wiser. I am not the only gay man to marry a woman and have children. While homosexuality is more accepted and open now, in my adolescence gays were still portrayed as 'lesser thans.' I myself didn't fully accept my homosexuality until age 41 and while it was a struggle, I couldn't be happier. The new generational paradigm struck me during my trip to Israel in January. I was staying with a young gay couple in Tel Aviv, Israel's gay capital. They were 15-20 years younger than me but still pushed hard to have a threesome. I was flattered but declined as I'm in a long-term relationship. After the sexy talk, they asked if my three children knew I was gay. I replied, "Not yet." They were incredulous. "Why wouldn't you tell them?" they protested. I thought how refreshing it was to meet two young men for whom being gay was not at all an issue. I can't imagine how it must be for some people where being gay is still a punishable crime. Ahhhh youth. I only hope my kids will be as gay-friendly.

My ex-wife and I had consulted a child psychologist to discuss our impending divorce and my coming out. The specialist urged caution and we set a calendar: tell the children about divorce in September 2014; immediate separation (I moved to an apartment next door); Xmas holidays together December 2014; New Years apart; Ex-wife and kids move to new home January 2015; Divorce finalized May 2015; Dad tells kids he has started dating in May 2015; Dad comes out to kids August 2015. I've just booked a trip to take the kids to Corsica for my 'coming out' trip in August. I've gotten over the fear of coming out to people and see this time with my kids as more like a trip to the dentist for a filling: painful, slightly annoying, but necessary.

So what is the point of my post? Good question! My points are:

1. Addicts tend to attract people and create relationships that feed their addictions.
I certainly did. While I still love my ex-wife like a sister, I can no longer spend too much time with her. It may be that she's co-dependent or perhaps it's just that we tend to re-live our past history, being around her too much unsettles me. It's like when my dad realized he was allergic to shrimp. He loved shrimp but it always made him sick. My wife is shrimp to me. (That sounds ridiculous so I'll move on.)

2. If you realize your relationship is toxic, get out.

3. In Europe and North America, being gay no longer carries any social stigma. Most of my problems with being gay are largely in my head. I understand that my children will see my coming out as more of the final nail in the coffin of my relationship with their mother. But it won't represent a seismic shift in our relationship. I am learning daily to accept my homosexuality and accept that my children have less to 'un-learn' so to speak.

I have to get to work my friends. Thanks for reading and have a fabulous and porn-free day. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY. 

 



« Last Edit: February 16, 2015, 03:05:53 AM by lyon03 »

Leon

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #345 on: February 16, 2015, 12:51:15 PM »
Thank you, Lyon for your post explaining things...

So, do you view that your marriage was a relationship that fed your addiction? Of course you answer that your relationship was toxic.

That must be so difficult to grapple with, not only accepting yourself, but also squaring that with society's approval or disapproval.

In a strange way- I know that we often times polarize sexual issues politically, religiously, or even within ourselves... but, and this is just a suggestion, what if we weren't our sexuality? What if we were 'neither male nor female'- meaning that what we are as human beings is far deeper than sexual genders and / or preferences?

This would be good news, because, neither society nor yet ourselves could define ourselves- for to define is to delimit.

And, ain't nobody putting bars around this one! I'm so myself, and while this or that group may not accept me- do I really want them to? If I did, would that not be in a sense acquiescing to their interpretation of things, and then in an indirect way limiting myself again by their acceptance or rejection?

Hope my words make some sense.

Grateful that these things are working themselves out for you.

ready2go

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #346 on: February 16, 2015, 01:53:12 PM »
Right on Leon!  It's hard to be human and not be classified as "this" or "that" because everyone wants to do that.  I don't know if it just makes things easier for some people or not or what. 

But, I am neither "this"  (straight) or "that" (gay), but tend to be attracted to humans for who they are and what they bring to my party, as well I what I can bring to theirs. 

Generalizing about men's behaviors vs. women's behaviors is a bit risky, and likely not all that accurate.  I don't like discussing my wife here because she is a rock in my life and brings me love, stability, assuredness, acceptance.  There is other stuff I don't care for like how long she stands at the kitchen sink washing the same dishes.  What the hell is she doing, anyway?  But you know, that is so trivial as to make no difference than as to be a questionable annoyance. 

The take home for me in that is categorizing and classifying, while convenient, can be misleading. 

I'm grateful for being here, for having you all here, and this was such a great post, I'm going to copy it to my own journal! 
Cheers
PS I totally agree about tv, screens, internet...most all a waste of time.  We could live better without them 95 percent of the time.  Goal:  reassess my screen and "entertainment" time and do something less wasteful, more satisfying, fulfilling, and loving.


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lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #347 on: February 16, 2015, 02:08:08 PM »
Thanks boys. I didn't realize there would be reboot homework Leon! Just kidding brother. Here are my replies:

1. So, do you view that your marriage was a relationship that fed your addiction? Of course you answer that your relationship was toxic.

That's a tough one. I think living a lie resulted in my addictions. I had a choice: accept my sexuality and live it openly or deny it. I chose the latter unfortunately. I met a girl at 18, thought I was in love with her, told her I was in love with her, told myself I was in love with her, married her, had kids, and only then (SHE-BANG) realized it was all a lie. I plead the 50/50 rule on whether the relationship was toxic. I can't claim to be blameless for everything that went wrong with my marriage, but I don't think we would have stayed together regardless. Separately we're both kind and caring people. But together, we're just too explosive a cocktail.

2. That must be so difficult to grapple with, not only accepting yourself, but also squaring that with society's approval or disapproval.

It was. Unlike today, there was no one to look up to. In my normal suburban life, there weren't any gay couples. Nor did I have any gay relatives. No one was openly gay in my highschool and the only openly gay guy at my university, party of 1, was run off campus. The only openly gay entertainer I can think of was Boy George and I remember reading about him in Rolling Stone magazine. I was sitting at the pool in Bermuda on a family vacation. I was gobsmacked: "Boy George is gay?!" This shows you how naïve I was at 14. But who the f*ck wanted to dress up like a Geisha and have braided hair? Not me so I was rather lost. 

3. In a strange way- I know that we often times polarize sexual issues politically, religiously, or even within ourselves... but, and this is just a suggestion, what if we weren't our sexuality? What if we were 'neither male nor female'- meaning that what we are as human beings is far deeper than sexual genders and / or preferences?

I feel that way now. Although I too am guilty categorizing. I've been dying to ask R2G (see above) if he's gay or straight. Clearly he's bisexual and in a loving relationship. Who am I to judge? But we still judge anything different from ourselves. If you ever sit down at a table where most men are gay, they think everyone is a closeted homosexual. But I'm more than just a gay man. I'm also a father, Catholic, white etc. I think when you suddenly become part of a minority group, you realize it isn't as homogenous as you once thought. For example, it was a complete revelation to me that gays and lesbians aren't the best of friends. "What exactly do we have in common? Nothing." a lesbian friend wryly observed. At a certain point in any movement, be it women's rights, minority rights, or gay rights, there is a time when the issue is less about our differences and more about the basic human qualities we share. For me, I just want to be loved for who I am. But first I had to decide who I was and then love myself. My definition of love is with another man. But that's me. For others it may be between two women, or a man and a woman, or perhaps an open relationship. It's love all the same in my opinion.

4. While this or that group may not accept me- do I really want them to? If I did, would that not be in a sense acquiescing to their interpretation of things, and then in an indirect way limiting myself again by their acceptance or rejection?

I have often repeated this quote: "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." The great thing about getting older is you stop being what others want. My upbringing programmed me to: find a girl; get married; and start a business. Nothing in my childhood forced me to: love disco; collect antiques; and like muscular guys. There is a great video by Blind Melon: "No Rain." In it, a little girl is ridiculed for being dressed as a bumble bee. Everyone around her isn't a bee. She eventually finds other bees and loses it she's so happy. This is how I feel now that I've accepted my homosexuality...and man am I blowing some serious honey! All kidding aside, I realize I spent my whole life being the oddball but now that I have a boyfriend and lots of gay friends, I feel such love and acceptance. That's not a gay thing, it's a human thing.

5. Grateful that these things are working themselves out for you.

I really appreciate that my friend. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2015, 02:13:28 PM by lyon03 »

lyon03

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #348 on: February 17, 2015, 01:16:20 AM »
Day 111 no PMO Day 5 no Youtube: Good morning Reboot Nation! I woke up very early today with an incredible sense of resolve. I realize I cannot achieve any of my goals unless I focus on them every day. It's as simple as that. I've been too distracted by porn, TV, Youtube, and now even this website. I started reading "The Slight Edge" which several fellow rebooters recommended. While it has an endless amount of build up, 24 pages to be exact of "Are you ready for something great?" and "Get ready!", the message is universal. The moral of the book is you need to spend each day working towards your goals. Revolutionary? No, but the message still resonated with me. I am porn-free today because I worked at it every day. Period. Porn has no sway over me anymore. So I am now working daily to overcome a general screen addiction. And at the same time, I'm working daily to relaunch my business. I've reached my time limit here my friends as I have to get back to work. Thanks for your love and support. It means the world to me. REMEMBER: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.     

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Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
« Reply #349 on: February 17, 2015, 01:37:51 AM »
Hey brother, while I love reading your posts and immensely enjoy them - Yes, I'm gay, no, I don't want to dress like a Geisha, BTW Boy George looks fabulous nowadays and has a goatee :) - I can understand that you must cut down your screen time. Better short posts than no posts. Be well, my friend, I'm happy for you. We can do it!