Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 197838 times)

lyon03

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Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
« Reply #300 on: February 04, 2015, 03:48:48 AM »
Day 9 of career/life reboot. 98 days PMO-free (cont'd)....and it's been 3 days since I humped a pillow! YES!!! Thanks for your kind posts of encouragement brothers. Yesterday was a turning point in my career reboot. The pressure just melted away and I naturally started working again. Addiction is a bit like the carnival game 'Whac-A-Mole.' You think you've bashed the problem into oblivion only to have it rear its ugly little head somewhere else. Rather than play the game, yesterday I just pulled the plug. SHE-BANG! My inability to work was simply because of my self-esteem and control issues. I'd lost all confidence in my work and yet I prevented everyone around me from moving forward. (Get ready for another list!) I am the problem. So yesterday I let go by:

1. Reaching out for help (no more isolating)
2. Listening to what others had to say (no more self-centredness)
3. Letting go of the daily guilt/shame, "I'm not working enough"
4. Apologizing to my team for the delays, and then setting realistic goals (honesty)
5. Accepting this won't be easy, and then doing the work (being realistic)
6. Repeating 1-5 if I get stuck again (learning from my mistakes)

As others have shared, we can't simply reboot via abstinence - we need to change ourselves in a very profound way. Likewise, I first treated my career reboot as a superficial change, namely working more hours, rather than the more substantive change: changing my paradigm. So I'm feeling better today and will check in this evening before dinner with my progress. Thanks for your help everyone. Without your posts, support, messages, book recommendations, and b*lls out love, I couldn't have made it this far. Be well. WASTING MY LIFE IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. 

 

chiefmitch88

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Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
« Reply #301 on: February 04, 2015, 10:20:46 AM »
I see where you'd have a hard time giving up control of your business Lyon. It's the baby you've created with your blood, sweat and tears. Allowing others to have free reign over the affairs that affect our lives is all about trust. For me, I realized that part of my porn use was related to the fact that I couldn't trust people with my heart. I viewed all people as being unreliable at best. I am an incredibly fragile person and the thought of being in a relationship terrified me. We come into this world alone and we leave it alone was my philosophy. Man, was I missing out on living. I was certain that I would be heartbroken. Since I am and addict I allowed myself to obsess over the inevitability of a broken heart. I added mass to my rain clouds and made it something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I drove my wife away with jealousy and porn. I made her feel insecure with my constant vigilance because of my lack of confidence and my objectifying habits.

Being able to delegate a few tasks that are close to your heart, and listening to advisers shows progress in the trust department. Keep chipping away at it. You're adjusting beautifully.

P.S. Remind me to hide my pillows if you ever come state side. I want to be considerate of your triggers.  ;)


lyon03

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Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
« Reply #302 on: February 04, 2015, 11:31:12 AM »
I'll never live the pillow humping down. Damn my newfound honesty!

lyon03

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Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
« Reply #303 on: February 04, 2015, 04:41:10 PM »
Day 9 of career/life reboot. 98 days PMO-free (cont'd): It's the end of the day here in Europe so I'm writing just before bed. I'm really starting to rebuild momentum at work so I'm cautiously optimistic. Before my office time was a series of stolen glances at various porn videos or dirty Tumblr pictures while pretending to work. I can't believe my co-workers never caught me. Or perhaps they just never said anything. If I found myself alone at the office in the evenings, it was open season. I'd lock my office door and, before you could say "hump a pillow", I'd be pants down, fapping away to whatever filth was my fancy at the time. I'd say that in the last 6-9 months of my porn addiction, from February 2014 until just before reboot in late October 2014, I wouldn't even get an erection from porn. Just a limp noodle and trickle orgasm. And I'd seen so much hardcore stuff that the only thing I that would give me my dopamine hit was...get ready...vanilla hetero porn (I am gay.) I'd like the rest of my life to be like today. I had a great chat with my ex-wife at her place. We talked about finances, the kids, and me spending all of next weekend with the kids while she is away. I'll be moving into their place for the weekend to avoid the kids having to uproot. Then I hit the gym, got eyef*cked by guys half my age (always fun), took my clothes off for a shower, and did a double take because my hard body looks nothing like the fat porn-addicted slob I was just 3 years ago. And my junk looks fuller and healthier than it has in years. Back at the office, I really enjoyed working for a change. This hasn't happened in almost 10 years. I topped off the day with some great sales and really connected with some potential leads who I know are going to become customers. So for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I accomplished something today. That's a great feeling. Before you think I fart rainbows and ride a unicorn, I want to tell everyone struggling with PMO addiction, if I can come this far after 15-20 years of the deepest and darkest addiction, there is hope my friends. But I couldn't have done it alone. So I also want to thank all of you for reading, encouraging me, and acting like a (virtual) family. Be well my friends. PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION...AND NEVER WILL BE. 

 

« Last Edit: February 04, 2015, 04:43:21 PM by lyon03 »

lyon03

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Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
« Reply #304 on: February 05, 2015, 01:39:38 AM »
Day 10 of career/life reboot. 99 days PMO-free. On the eve of breaking double digits PMO-free, I am asking myself: "Is this me?" I am both centred and motivated today to work on this maddening f*cking website project. So this will be a quick post. Today will be a normal day: work; kids over for lunch; gym; work; dinner; sleep. Last night I hosted a meeting for my building's co-op board. Knowing that alcohol is one of my many triggers, I didn't touch a drop. During the post-meeting cocktail party, it was wonderful to really listen to my neighbours. Interacting with people on a very deep and personal level is a new experience for me. In the past, I tended to get nervous repeating to myself: "Don't act gay," "Do they know?" or "I wish I were in front of the computer jerking off." It was a very sad and very rat-like existence. No more. So I'm now PMO-free, TV-free, and I'm moving towards alcohol-free I think. Another thing that has melted away are my many obsessions. I used to obsess about EVERYTHING but that too is abating. That's all for now but I'll check in at the end of the day. Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.     

lyon03

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Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
« Reply #305 on: February 05, 2015, 02:34:36 PM »
Day 10 of career/life reboot. 99 days PMO-free (cont'd). End of the day here in Europe but I'm on a bit of a roll workwise so I'm going to work later than usual. I'm making good progress today....FINALLY! I tried a different technique to keep from mindless internet surfing and the results are encouraging. When I feel my mind wandering from work, I try to push through it for at least another 3-5 mins. This delays my PMO brain's need for screen stimulation. If I still feel the itch after that, I give myself 5 timed minutes to come here for a quick look around. I have since reduced that to 2.5 mins which is about enough time to post 3-5 lines. I'll try 1 min tomorrow. Retraining my brain after years of porn addiction is a bit like getting a wild squirrel (on meth) to navigate a maze. Like a meth-head squirrel, let's call him 'Methy', my brain darts here and there but I'm slowly working towards a destination. I find the concentration exhausting as my brain has gotten a bit flabby over the years from underuse. But I retrained my muscles so I can also retrain my grey matter. On a more personal note, I had my 2 youngest over for lunch and it was nice to have a bit of disorder in my apartment today. Before dinner, I went for a nice walk. It's cold, windy and deliciously snowy in my part of Europe tonight. So there wasn't a soul outside. I walked around the port in my little village and spontaneously yelled out 'FREE!' as the wind howled. I laughed to myself...and maybe even shed a frozen tear. Being free from addiction and re-starting my career are two blessed gifts. So I'll close by writing: THANK YOU.   

 

lyon03

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #306 on: February 06, 2015, 04:54:19 AM »
Day 100: Wha!? How the f*ck did I get to 100 days? It seems like just yesterday I hit 90. For those of you struggling with PMO addiction, or any addiction for that matter, there is hope. If after 15-20 years of hard core porn addiction I can reach 100 days, anyone can. But you have to want the miracle and work like hell to get it. I have shared volumes of myself through this website and another. This community probably knows me better than anyone on Earth. That was key to reaching 100 days. I feel honestly and openly writing anything and everything on this website has exorcised all of the bad juju lurking in my addict's brain. But writing about myself wasn't enough. Sharing other's journeys and encouraging them taught me a degree humility I never thought possible. Just 100 days ago, I was on a path that would have killed me. My days were filled with meaningless gay hookups, PMO, mind-numbing TV, and crushing unhappiness. In fact, in December 2013 I seriously contemplated suicide. Now I have simply too much to live for. In the past, I failed to tame my addiction because I didn't realize addiction was just the end result of a lifetime's worth of bad choices. I often refer to addiction as the iceberg because it's just the tip; 9/10ths of my bad juju remained below the surface. I have a more apt metaphor: it's a journey. T.S. Eliot wrote:

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

That's it. That's what I've done. My life was a series of forks in the road. I could either take the path of short-term pain by making the hard choices, the honest choices. Unfortunately, I always took the easy way out: mostly lying and hiding. When my choices caught up with me, I turned to porn to dull the pain. As we all know, porn eventually became the pain. Whether we call it reboot, recovery, or sobriety, we must first go back along the path and along the way make right past wrongs. For example, I chose conformity through heterosexual marriage rather than the honest choice: accepting my homosexuality. Reboot meant I had to go back and right that wrong. I am no longer afraid my past mistakes. Forgive myself, learn, move on, but never forget the lessons learned. Through reboot I've learned that honest pain is temporary. But running from life's painful decisions only delays an inevitable (and more painful) reckoning. Taking the wrong path feeds addiction. Addiction is no longer a part of my life. Period. Porn is no longer an option. I see now porn was but a symptom of a great malady. I haven't cured the disease but feel its more in long-term remission. I couldn't have done this alone so thank you my brothers for your daily love and support. 

I am a more honest person that I was 100 day or even 1000 days ago. I guess T.S. Eliot was right: I know myself for the first time. And I love the person I've become...again.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2015, 10:55:57 AM by lyon03 »

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #307 on: February 06, 2015, 06:13:39 AM »
100 days, that's awesome, lyon03, so congratulations! Well done, my friend. Your posts always give me a lot of hope and you're an inspiration. What I like best is that you show me that sobriety isn't the be-all and end-all of rebooting. This is a LIFE reboot :) I'm looking forward to following your beautiful journey, and am also curious about mine, thanks to your fabulous success. Keep up the good work and celebrate, man!


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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #308 on: February 06, 2015, 06:20:35 AM »
Congratulations, Lyon! You are indeed an inspiration. Your posts continue to be a source of strength and direction to so many in the fog of addiction.

Hitting 100 days is an awesome milestone. When you say, "Porn is not an option" it reminds me of a similar thing I tell that addictive voice, "I do not use porn", or "I no longer masturbate."

Here's to another 100.

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #309 on: February 06, 2015, 06:31:56 AM »
Congrats on 100 days, friend!  You're a shining example of how we can use this forum and the guidelines offered here to rewire and renew! 

Keep going.  You're doing great! 

chiefmitch88

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #310 on: February 06, 2015, 09:45:27 AM »
Congrats on triple digits Lyon! Mindful Choices + Time = Success!

Love and Peace


ready2go

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #311 on: February 06, 2015, 12:12:01 PM »
Nice work Lyon.  Ditto all the above.  Keep going, 100 is huge and just the beginning all at the same time.  I can't wait to be where you are.


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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #312 on: February 06, 2015, 12:37:00 PM »
Well played......    Very proud of you my friend.

:)

lyon03

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #313 on: February 06, 2015, 01:23:15 PM »
Thanks boys for your kind support. It means a lot.

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #314 on: February 06, 2015, 10:25:49 PM »
Congratulations on 100, Lyon.  I'm so happy you did it and for all the "side benefits" you've experienced along the way.  Thanks for sharing your strengths and your weaknesses with us.  Now for another 100 and another...

Ian

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #315 on: February 07, 2015, 04:48:26 AM »
Day 101: CAUTION EROTIC CONTENT Today is going to be an amazing day: sun is shining; I'm heading to the gym; then I'm taking my boys swimming; then the hand off with my ex-wife; later my BF is coming over (grrrr) to my place for dinner. I don't want to trigger anyone but I've planned a little surprise for him that I'll call "hunky massage therapist fantasy." It involves a massage table, roaring fire, and me wearing a nametag/uniform. I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing him. It's been two weeks of celibacy which have been challenging but not impossible. Although yesterday I almost popped my pecs at the gym trying to burn off the sexual energy. The upside is I now look like Thor. Be well nation. PMO IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #316 on: February 07, 2015, 08:04:56 AM »
Congratulations Lyon!  Good for you for doing this.  Your life will be better forever because porn is not an option!  Thank you for being a supportive person on this message board and being an inspiration!  Hope your "date night" turned out to be everything you hoped for!

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #317 on: February 07, 2015, 10:57:51 AM »
Thor.  Post the pics dude.  I wanna see.  Oh, maybe not.  grrrrr.  I can relate though:  my gym time is paying off and I can feel the muscle growing under the skin.  Feels awesome.  RAAWWRRRR


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lyon03

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #318 on: February 08, 2015, 06:47:33 AM »
Day 102: Thanks for your support friends. Yesterday was fun. Swimming with my boys, then babysat the boys at my ex-wife's house, hand off to my ex-wife when she got home, then back home after babysitting to get dinner ready, mind-blowing massage/sex with my boyfriend, and then dinner. (Clearly I enjoy my dessert before dinner.) I was tested yesterday in my interaction with my ex. She took our daughter out shopping and came home at 6 p.m., rather than our agreed time of 5. She politely told me she'd probably be late because she got off to a late start. My inner addict went ballistic thinking things like:

"Doesn't she know I've got f*cking plans?"
"She does and she's trying to ruin date night"
"What a b*tch for trying to spoil things"

I now realize I was just being self-centred and defensive. Clearly I have lingering guilt about ending our relationship. This lasted about 30 minutes until I used something I learned in "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. I simply asked myself, "What's real?" It dawned on me my ex-wife just wanted to spend quality time with our daughter, not concoct some devious plan to keep me from having sex. It was all in my head. I was the problem. So I texted my BF telling him I would be late and to come over an hour later, texted my ex-wife to say she should take her time, and generally just calmed the f*ck down. But I didn't even consider porn during my short meltdown. So I guess a half victory? Now on to the sex...

As I mentioned in previous posts, it had been 2 weeks since my last orgasm and unlike previous periods of abstinence, this time didn't feel like a white-knuckle-night-sweats kind of experience. I simply burned off my sexual energy at the gym or through work. Now 100+ days PMO-free, I can only describe sex with my boyfriend as an IMAX movie. Once you experience IMAX, it's very hard to go back to the tinny sound and grainy pictures of 80s-era screens. The same applies to my sex life. Now that I've stopped wasting my sexual energy on PMO, I focus completely on the experience rather than mechanical things like my boner, orgasm, etc. I no longer have ED and my orgasms are almost embarrassingly powerful...and loud. This is perhaps too graphic but I want readers to know that just last October, I had no erections, even to porn, and my orgasms were akin to a leaky faucet. So if at 43 I can reboot and rediscover sexual intimacy, anything is possible.

I'll sign off there my friends as my ex-wife and kids are just arriving for lunch at my place. Life is good...if we let it be good. 
PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2015, 06:49:30 AM by lyon03 »

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #319 on: February 08, 2015, 08:33:39 AM »
Dearest . lyon3.

Thank you so very much for continuing to inspire us and encourage us.  I hit the 50-day mark today.  Every time I read one of your posts, I am motivated to continue because I see there‚Äôs so much to look forward to.

Thank you again, and much love.


Leon

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Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #320 on: February 08, 2015, 01:20:30 PM »
Day 102: Thanks for your support friends. Yesterday was fun. Swimming with my boys, then babysat the boys at my ex-wife's house, hand off to my ex-wife when she got home, then back home after babysitting to get dinner ready, mind-blowing massage/sex with my boyfriend, and then dinner. (Clearly I enjoy my dessert before dinner.) I was tested yesterday in my interaction with my ex. She took our daughter out shopping and came home at 6 p.m., rather than our agreed time of 5. She politely told me she'd probably be late because she got off to a late start. My inner addict went ballistic thinking things like:

"Doesn't she know I've got f*cking plans?"
"She does and she's trying to ruin date night"
"What a b*tch for trying to spoil things"

I now realize I was just being self-centred and defensive. Clearly I have lingering guilt about ending our relationship. This lasted about 30 minutes until I used something I learned in "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. I simply asked myself, "What's real?" It dawned on me my ex-wife just wanted to spend quality time with our daughter, not concoct some devious plan to keep me from having sex. It was all in my head. I was the problem. So I texted my BF telling him I would be late and to come over an hour later, texted my ex-wife to say she should take her time, and generally just calmed the f*ck down. But I didn't even consider porn during my short meltdown. So I guess a half victory? 

Congratulations, Lyon, on resolving the inner conflict, which probably in the past escalated to 'acting out' with porn, and/or other behaviors.

Definitely a victory.

lyon03

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Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #321 on: February 09, 2015, 01:48:45 AM »
Thanks everyone for your kind message and support. Day 103 PMO-free / Day 14 of career reboot: Just a quick post as I'm starting my work day here in Europe. So I've planned my week and am ready to continue working on my career/professional reboot. This is more about learning to concentrate again as my PMO and internet addictions destroyed my ability to remain focused, set goals, and execute. Had a really great weekend spending time with my kids (Saturday), boyfriend (Saturday night), and then had my ex-wife and kids over for lunch yesterday (Sunday). I'll be apart from my boyfriend for Valentine's Day so we exchanged gifts Saturday night. He got me the perfect gift which showed me: 1. He listens; 2. He went all out; and 3. He loves me. I think the best gifts are the unexpected ones...the perfect surprises. Back to work. For my career reboot, I'm going to switch to reading when I start cyber drifting or losing focus. This is something I did during the first month of reboot. When I got a porn urge, I read Gary Wilson's "Your Brain on Porn" to refocus. I'll check in again at the end of the day with my progress. Be well nation! PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE. 
« Last Edit: February 09, 2015, 01:50:48 AM by lyon03 »

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Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #322 on: February 09, 2015, 10:35:52 AM »
Congratulations Lyon, you clearly have put some serious work into overcoming this addiction.
Pulling it out by the roots takes more time and more effort, but needn't be tortuous. The human condition is absolutely fascinating. The more we are able to enjoy the process looking at as a deep enquiry into the self the more effective it is likely to be for us. 100 days! Fantastic! Well done. FF

lyon03

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Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #323 on: February 09, 2015, 03:17:33 PM »
Day 103 PMO-free / Day 14 of career reboot (cont'd): Thanks FF. Still PMO-free. Porn is no longer part of my life. But there is still room for improvement on the business/career front. Alas I started with the best of intentions today but ended up spending the second half of my day endlessly surfing Youtube videos. But I'm not going to get down on myself. I then hit the gym and should go more often in the evenings. There was a smorgasbord of muscle on offer. Before I used to leer at these guys and even snap pictures. But now I just appreciate their beauty without imagining some porn-like locker room gang bang. Speaking of inappropriate, I clearly have the most gay-friendly mother on the planet. She just turned 70, texted me from her recent South American cruise: "I'm dancing with gays to disco music", and sent me some really cool boxer briefs for my birthday (6 pairs). She asked about them several times and I now know why. They're all see-through. My junk is concealed behind two layers but everything else is on full "Cher-singing-turned-back-time" display. I wish I'd know this before proudly sporting my new undies at the gym tonight. I wondered why the locker room was so quiet as undressed, then post workout I walked around in my skivvies, even chatted with a few (clearly uncomfortable) guys, and dried my hair in the mirror in my 'man panties'. *ss on full display of course. I only noticed they were sheer when putting my jeans back on. It was hysterical. I'll leave you with that visual my friends. INAPPROPRIATE UNDERWEAR IS NOT AN OPTION.     
« Last Edit: February 09, 2015, 03:19:30 PM by lyon03 »

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Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
« Reply #324 on: February 09, 2015, 03:39:13 PM »
That's hilarious.  I should hustle my ass over to the gym and get a workout. 

Once again, some things just cannot be unseen. 


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