Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 197821 times)

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #225 on: January 19, 2015, 11:34:08 PM »
I don't care how far down the road to recovery you have traveled. The ditch is still the same distance away.

Day 83: What a great quote Poker. You mentioned being envious of my goals/accomplishments. Don't be. Just like everyone else on this website, I too am but a click away from relapse and your quote reminded me to remain both humble and hungry for recovery. It's very early in the morning here in Europe as I couldn't sleep. Too many projects/goals/dreams racing through my head. I'll post here quickly and then go back to bed. I'm just a week away from both my birthday and 90-day reboot goal and am still in, "What the f*ck?" mode.

In addition to Reboot, one of my other goals was to get back to work. I spent roughly 11 years surfing porn daily at the office. It got to a point that I couldn't concentrate anymore. When I timed my attention span just two months ago, I couldn't concentrate for more than a pathetic 3 minutes. Yesterday gave me hope because I could stay on task and focused for several hours at a time. So I am confident I'll be back to working a full 8-hour day by my birthday. More importantly, I am enjoying work again. I can now listen to my employees, share ideas, and delegate more than I ever have in the past. I realized I had created a professional life that simply financed my addiction. Now I'm trying to concentrate on having fun while also making money. By changing the focus from white-knuckle timing my work hours with a stopwatch, to setting weekly, monthly, and annual goals, I've freed myself from obsessively watching another screen (namely my mobile phone's stopwatch).

My life has changed on so many levels, but I experienced three major revelations during this process:

1. I am a porn addict and had no control whatsoever over my addiction.
2. I am an egocentric pr*ck: both self-centred while at the same time self-loathing.
3. I obsess about everything, namely what others think of me.

I could accomplish nothing while the above evil trinity dominated my life. Through reboot, I am learning some control over my addiction; am working on no longer being the black hole at the centre of my universe (snuffing out all light); and I am now just learning to control my OCD. This forum and my membership with Porn Addicts Anonymous have been lifesavers.

Porn fed the bad wolf in me. Now I'm trying to feed the good wolf with healthy, porn-free living. I was struck at how much things had changed during a telephone conversation with my boyfriend last night. When he and I met 2.5 years ago, I was an emotional wreck. I was a PMO addict, a self-centred *sshole, and was so depressed I contemplated suicide. I remember telling him in August 2012 that I loved him. We'd known each other for 48 hours. I was in tears and expressed my fear that I'd ruin his life. In fact, at the time I didn't think I deserved love and was trying to push him away. As he drove away, I thought to myself, "That's the last time I'll ever hear from him." Well we're still together. Even though love was knocking at my door, I spent the first part of our relationship f*cking every guy within a 30-mile radius, obsessively texting/calling him, and experiencing love/sex addiction.

This past weekend together washed all of that away. My boyfriend spent Saturday/Sunday at my place. We had friends over for a pre-birthday dinner Saturday night. The whole thing was perfect: great food; great friends; great sex; and a greater feeling of intimacy with my partner. How nice to just sit in front of a fireplace, sip tea, and just be with each other without having to blather on endlessly. He's still the same wonderful person. It's me who has changed. I feel at peace for the first time in a long time. That is a wonderful feeling. So yes I'm in love with this guy, but it's not in the same f*cked up way I've done everything else in my life. Through reboot, I learned to love myself first and only then did I have the strength to love someone else.

Thanks for reading my rambling posts friends. Be well nation! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

ntg

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #226 on: January 20, 2015, 08:53:54 AM »
This past weekend together washed all of that away. My boyfriend spent Saturday/Sunday at my place. We had friends over for a pre-birthday dinner Saturday night. The whole thing was perfect: great food; great friends; great sex; and a greater feeling of intimacy with my partner. How nice to just sit in front of a fireplace, sip tea, and just be with each other without having to blather on endlessly. He's still the same wonderful person. It's me who has changed. I feel at peace for the first time in a long time. That is a wonderful feeling. So yes I'm in love with this guy, but it's not in the same f*cked up way I've done everything else in my life. Through reboot, I learned to love myself first and only then did I have the strength to love someone else.


Glad to see you're still going strong brother!  I know exactly what you are talking about in craving that more intimate connection with someone, I have found myself having these same cravings lately, which I handled wrong this time, but learned from.  Keep up the good work man, I'm so proud of you for having that kind of relationship bro!
There’s one thing that is guaranteed to increase your feelings of control over your life: a bias toward action.  - Mel Robbins

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #227 on: January 20, 2015, 02:46:41 PM »
Day 83 (cont'd). So much for my pronouncements about posting less! I'm checking in before bed because I had a mixed day today. I can now see the pattern of 'pink cloud' highs, followed by lows. My highs/triumphalism then lead to a lack of sleep because my mind is racing. And without sleep, my work day gets shot. So being proactive, I can now see the pattern from yesterday to today:

1. Skipped a workout (yesterday)
2. Got too high/distracted at work by taking on too many new projects
3. Lack of focus leads to frustration
4. Had trouble falling asleep last night (called my mom late my time)
5. Woke up too early (today)
6. Wine at my business lunch (makes me sleepy/woozy)
7. Lots of driving which for me is a trigger
8. Worked out but was distracted
9. Back at office but lack of focus...just surfing around the net
10. Regrouped by writing this

Perhaps some of the more experienced rebooters can comment, but I think the longer you go without PMO, the better and more sensitive your early warning system becomes. For me, past relapses happened hours or even days in advance because I didn't change my habits. During this reboot I changed everything. I can now see from my above list that the following are dangerous for me:

1. Lack of sleep
2. Booze
3. Driving long distances

Long drives are a trigger for me because my mind while driving goes on autopilot. Then it sets a crash course for porn-o-land. I found myself getting very horny on my drive today. This I believe is a mix of natural horniness because I had sex this weekend and thought about it A LOT, combined with my deep neural pathways that link arousal to pornography. I had a strong urge to both view pornography and masturbate earlier, but didn't act on them thank God. So tonight and tomorrow, I'll counter my triggers with:

1. Reading at least 45 mins before bed.
2. Going to bed before 11 p.m.
3. Early workout tomorrow.

Whew! It feels better to share here. I look forward to your comments and shares about this post. Be well my friends. LACK OF SLEEP IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: January 20, 2015, 02:48:52 PM by lyon03 »

Jaystock

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #228 on: January 20, 2015, 03:43:21 PM »
Lyon,  I drive a dump truck, everday.  When I sit in the cab, it can be so rough. I try to watch  gary wilson, on you tube. I get out  if the cab, every  chance I get.

ntg

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #229 on: January 20, 2015, 04:12:24 PM »
You're doing awesome lyon!  Coming up with counters to your triggers is such a good plan.  I have noticed that my brain is always going when I try to sleep, so I try my best to tire myself out during the day now.  I push myself as much as I can during the day so that I'm totally exhausted at night.  I think reading before bed time is a great idea.  I know that when I do this, I end up falling asleep, because it really relaxes my mind, it's almost like meditation, or "single focus".  Keep going man, you're an inspiration!  Even if you're imagining the sex you had, that's still got to be better than porn; it's real, just not at that moment.  Maybe if you can somehow transform this energy into looking forward to more of it, it might really help you transform this energy into something that can empower you.  Stay strong brother!
There’s one thing that is guaranteed to increase your feelings of control over your life: a bias toward action.  - Mel Robbins

horpio

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #230 on: January 20, 2015, 06:24:24 PM »
As I look back on my life, I am reminded of this wonderful quote from T.S. Eliot:
"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
Love this quote  :D

Phase2

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #231 on: January 20, 2015, 11:04:24 PM »
Good luck Lyon! Glad you are doing so well and nice job kicking porn's butt. Don't ever let it back in your life. Cheers!



lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #232 on: January 21, 2015, 07:48:53 AM »
Day 84: Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Feeling more centred today. As I close in on my goal of a 90-day reboot, I'm feeling reflective. Looking back, my idea of 'rebooting' was initially wrong. My journey has been more about battling with the bad habits, negative emotions, and toxic relationships that resulted in my addiction. To focus solely on my PMO habit rather than address the deeper problems would be like hacking away at weeds, rather than pulling up their roots. As with addiction, unless you do the hard, sweaty, broken-nail digging, weeds grow back. Had I not yanked out the deeply-rooted  problems with me, I would have simply relapsed over and over again as I often did in the past. But I've learned to be vigilant. Ninety days does not a decades long addiction heal. I've changed my perception of addiction over the past few days. I was always searching for a cure, an end if you like. This was my lazy inner addict looking for the easy way out. But like the garden I described before, you've got to cultivate recovery by getting your hands dirty every day. 

!WARNING MIXED METAPHORS!

There is no on/off switch for addiction although I really wanted one. Cancer has remission, not a cure. So let's just say my addiction is currently in remission. Like some particularly nasty form of cancer, I now reluctantly accept I'll be battling PMO addiction my entire life. Yesterday taught me that if I let my guard down through lack of sleep or too many glasses of wine, the disease comes charging back. So I've learned something. I think this is why alcoholics refer to 'recovery/recovering' rather than 'cured'. I will always be a porn addict. But now in early recovery, I've learned the tools to keep my PMO habit at bay. But I will forever be vigilant. Thanks for reading friends. Be well nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

« Last Edit: January 21, 2015, 11:47:01 AM by lyon03 »

savingmysoul

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #233 on: January 21, 2015, 08:00:11 AM »
Understanding that this also is a life reboot is big.  So many of us have the opportunity to realize we are so much more than our addiction.    Lyon - you are an inspiration to us all, you thoughts have given so many of us power to be strong.

Peace my brother - keep us strong.

chiefmitch88

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #234 on: January 21, 2015, 11:43:41 AM »
I am always inspired by your ability to analyze our addiction and put it into terms and metaphors that resonate with me. I have been coming to some of these realizations and your words expressed them perfectly.

Also, I wanted to commiserate with you about the triggers involved in driving long distances. Taking long trips in the car with my wife almost always tends to lead to a fight of some sort. My obsessive thought cycle seems to spin and spin until something I'd hoped to keep to myself gets blurted out during a period of annoyance. I even find myself arguing out loud, all alone, on my commute to work over some point of contention we've had in the past week. If you ever figure out any methods for mitigating this problem please don't hesitate to share. At least until they invent teleporters.



lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #235 on: January 22, 2015, 08:46:48 AM »
Day 85: Good morning nation! I have to admit I'm a bit porned out. Writing about porn in a 'To fap, or not to fap, that is the question' way every damn day has worn this princess out.  I'm experiencing porn fatigue. First and foremost, thank you everyone for your messages of encouragement/support. I'm going to make it to 90 and beyond. I just know it. As I've long written, porn is no longer an option for me. I first dealt with the addiction, then the emotions/problems that led to addiction, then confronted my broken marriage, and I am now fixing my broken business/career. I've now developed a pattern for problem solving:

1. Brutal honesty
2. Identify problem
3. Explore solutions
4. Research solutions while discussing solutions with people who have solved similar problems in the past
5. Identify solution
6. Apply solution
7. Move to next problem

Let me apply this to my (now ending) marriage:

1. Brutal honesty: I am gay.
2. Identify problem: Gay men don't stay married to women.
3. Explore solutions: Stay in broken marriage; separate w/out divorce; or separate followed by divorce.
4. Research solutions or discuss with people who have solved similar problems in the past: I spoke to every ex-hetero dad in Europe and I've read no fewer than 5 books on finding solutions. 
5. Identify solution: Separation then divorce.
6. Apply solution: Met with lawyer, started process, dividing assets, moved wife out etc.
7. Move to next problem: Fixing business/career...

Porn simply prevented me from even starting this process. Fixing things takes time and effort. The bigger the problem, the bigger the effort required to fix it. Porn just hid my problems while creating countless others. Running from all of my problems achieved nothing. When my problems finally caught up with me in December 2013, rather than face them, I chickened out by contemplating suicide. Not my best nor proudest moment. Suicide is the most self-centred act possible because it solves nothing. Thank God I didn't kill myself as it would have simply downloaded all of my sh*t on my ex-wife, children, and surviving family.

Now I'm a different man. While I still experience highs/lows, even these are starting to smooth out as well. I'm becoming a more balanced person again. As many of you know, writing your deepest secrets, fears, and past history on this website is incredibly freeing. Now, rather than hide from my problems, or avoid them through PMO, I'm now all about the brutal honesty. Honesty is the strongest and longest-lasting foundation there is for a better life.

On a lighter note, I have a sure fire way to deal with the office blues which may help others. Just listen to 'Bootylicious' by Destiny's Child. Not only does it have a young Beyoncé, a deity in gay circles, it's the quintessential twerk song (although for all straight readers, don't watch the trigger-filled video). I'd go audio only which is safer. Not only does the song make me smile, it reminds me of New Year's during my recent trip to Israel. I'm at Jerusalem's only gay club, it's at least 3 a.m., this song comes on, and the gays go apesh*t. I look over at this Israeli guy just f*cking giving 'er. He's all of 5 ft 4 ins, mid-20s, goatee, shirt off, bit of a gut, Davey Crockett fur hat, and skin tight grey jeans. You get my point: this kid is no super-model, but damn if he can't dance. And he twerked, gyrated, and just b*lls out gave it everything during this song. I was like, 'Work it girl!' At the end of the song, I shook his hand. Not only a great memory but a cool life lesson. This guy could have hugged the wall, fretting he didn't have washboard abs, the perfect hair, a less obnoxious hat etc. Instead, he just f*cking worked it. Twerk-boy is my new hero. As a porn addict, I only thought about what I didn't have. Or I constantly lived in fear, repeating to myself I wasn't good enough. Like twerk-boy, I'm just going to rock my life with what I have. Maybe I'll even get myself one of those hats. And who gives a f*ck what anyone thinks!

Thanks for reading friends. Stay bootylicious. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
« Last Edit: January 22, 2015, 08:53:15 AM by lyon03 »

ntg

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #236 on: January 22, 2015, 10:01:21 AM »
Porn simply prevented me from even starting this process. Fixing things takes time and effort. The bigger the problem, the bigger the effort required to fix it. Porn just hid my problems while creating countless others. Running from all of my problems achieved nothing. When my problems finally caught up with me in December 2013, rather than face them, I chickened out by contemplating suicide. Not my best nor proudest moment. Suicide is the most self-centred act possible because it solves nothing. Thank God I didn't kill myself as it would have simply downloaded all of my sh*t on my ex-wife, children, and surviving family.

I feel the exact same way as this man.  Porn really does stop the process of self-improvement because it takes away the pressure, which is what we need to grow and develop.  It's when we are feeling that we just can't handle any more, that we MUST stick it out, because that is how we are able to handle more the next time...just like weight training and pushing the weight up each time, so it's more and more difficult.

I've contemplated suicide many times before, I've had a gun in my hand, but never could do it either, because I could never just give up...I've fought way too long and too hard to not see this thing through.  I'm so glad you didn't either man...just look at how much of an inspiration you've been to everyone on these forums man!  I think you conquered life the minute you decided you were going to stick it out and not give up.

Keep going man!  I'm always looking forward to reading your journal, feel like you're growing so much stronger daily.
There’s one thing that is guaranteed to increase your feelings of control over your life: a bias toward action.  - Mel Robbins

Poker

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #237 on: January 22, 2015, 05:18:46 PM »
You know....  for so long, I really thought I was the only one going through all this....   While our experiences are unique, so much of this is not.  It is almost pattern.  I cannot believe how close I came to using suicide as my solution....  I too am soooo glad I didn't.  I'm just in the early stages of turning shit around, but I am going to turn this shit around.  I am going to invest in "me" and make "me" a better person.

I cannot tell you how much it inspires me not just to read your stories, but to see how many other men really want the same changes in their lives.  It has occurred to me that we really are a brotherhood...  like the Free Mason's or Water Buffalo's, or some crap like that.   We need a Coat of Arms.....  or really cool tattoo to show that we're brothers.  To represent the battle the have taken up together.  I may design something actually to get back in touch with my creative side.

Cheers,

p.


Phase2

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #238 on: January 22, 2015, 05:22:50 PM »
Lol. Good idea. How about a cool, beefy signet ring. That way if we ever try to stroke our dick to porn we can see the big shiny ring sliding up and down our shaft to remind us to stop fapping now!



ready2go

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #239 on: January 22, 2015, 09:12:03 PM »
Poker that is an awesome idea.  I know keeping a confidence is at the top of our list but I'd get my first tattoo with some cool anti PMO artwork.  The fact I found this before I offed myself.. worth advertising at least to myself. 


u=496865

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #240 on: January 23, 2015, 04:01:12 AM »
Day 86: Thanks for sharing boys. I'd recommend PMO-free dogtags. For our 2-year anniversary, I gave my BF dogtags with our story written on them. He loved them and wears them all the time. Not everyone wears rings but dogtags are both stylish and masculine. Just an idea. As I close in on 90 days, I'm in full-on 'Is this me?' mode. The last 86 days have been the most transforming, trying, emotional, and roller-coaster-like experience of my life. I can't wait for the next 90 when I move from a porn reboot, to a career reboot. Through this community and Porn Addicts Anonymous, I now accept:

- I have no control over my addictions
- I was always the problem
- Blame gets me nowhere
- I can't fight addiction nor solve my problems alone
- I am neither my mind, nor my f*cked up thoughts
- We are stronger and better as part of a community, rather than struggling and isolating

How can I describe this? If you've ever seen a busty woman take off her bra at the end of the day, you witness an incredible demonstration of freedom/relief. (Boobs for this gay man are about as sexy as a fire hydrant, but I'm sure it's also nice show for straight men.) My way of seeing life was more than just an uncomfortable bra. It was a straightjacket! That's it. So the last 86 days have been more like me removing a straight jacket - of my own creation. My f*cked up way of seeing the world so uncomfortably constrained me, sometimes it felt like my only release would be to drown in some river. My feeling is we're all born happy and free. A lucky few remain happy and free their entire lives. Like me, most of us fashion our own straightjackets through bad jobs, toxic relationships, debts, etc. But we can always turn it around. On day 90, I'll finally get out of my straight jacket and then I'm going to throw that f*cker in the river. Adios, au revoir, good bye. And good riddance.

Reboot is truly a Godsend. It's more than just beating the porn. It's learning the tools, discipline, and skills to overcome any challenge. That's what I'll take away from this. Thanks for reading brothers. Time to get back to work. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #241 on: January 24, 2015, 02:43:39 AM »
NEED HELP MY FRIENDS! READ ON!

Day 87: I'm just 3 days away from my initial 90-day reboot goal. I'm feeling confident, but not overconfident. As Poker wrote on my thread, "I don't care how far down the road to recovery you have traveled. The ditch is still the same distance away."
As other successful rebooters have posted here, every day without porn is another step towards long-term recovery. I feel like PMO is no longer a part of my life. So I'm going to spend the next 90 days working on my next big problem: concentration. I am still unable to remain focused on tasks. Using my own list, I'm going to analyse the problem:

1. Brutal honesty: Unless I get my focus back, I will drift through life and end up a failure. In the short term, my business will fail. This means I won't be able to support my ex, my children, causing unnecessary stress in their lives. On a more practical note, I'll lose my apartment, car, etc. as I'll eventually be forced to sell assets. I am from a long line of brilliant but scatterbrained men. My uncle for example is an intelligent and creative man. Like me, he has an aptitude for languages. He is smart, funny, and at 67 is both a drunk and penniless. He lives with a lesbian friend in a 1-bedroom flat. In my heart, I know this will be my fate unless I start changing things today. My lack of concentration will prevent me from achieving my life's goals, and I have so much I want to accomplish and just 30-40 years left. The ability to concentrate, by focusing all of my creative energy on a goal, is integral to my success.

2. Identify main problem: I fear success because I don't think I'm good enough. I woke up this morning and understood why. The reason I am afraid of success is both genetic and historical. Back in the early 2000s, I was a hotshot VP for an investment bank. On the eve of a 400% return following a successful takeover bid, I blew it all. I was in line for a huge bonus and yet self-destructed. The bank was in trouble with the securities commission due to misrepresented financial statements. This had nothing to do with me, although I wasn't really doing much to solve the problem. On the eve of my greatest career success, I very loudly started badmouthing management while not too subtly looking for another job. Not surprisingly, they fired me. I was both humiliated and scared. I went from driving headlines in financial news to worrying how I'd support my wife and unborn son (due in just 3 months). And I never got that bonus. Moreover, the bank sued me, twice. I am from a long line of imploding men, but this humiliating episode compounded a pre-programmed family problem: men in my family tend to choke. This was also the time I really started heavily using porn as it was my coping mechanism. It feels really good to write this all down. Whenever I start a task or work towards a goal that may result in some form of success, I completely lose focus. For example, I am currently re-designing one of our company websites. What should have been a 6-week process, has dragged on for 9 months. This is my fault because I'm doing it alone. We are the dominant player in our particular industry, and yet our 2008-era website no longer sends the message, "We are the #1 company." As such, we are slowly losing market share simply because our (virtual) store window is old/outdated. This stops today. 

3. Research solutions. Thanks to Horpio, I devoured the '7 Steps of Highly Effective People' and found that both helpful and practical. But the book alone isn't solving my problem. Even post-porn addiction, I'm having trouble staying focused at work. I tend to wander around the internet, post nearly obsessively here, and do strange things like constantly check the Euro-Dollar exchange rate. The good news is I can concentrate on things I want to do, like posting here or exercising so I have the ability to focus. Now I need to re-tool that focus to my other goals. As my 400+ posts and rock-hard body evidence, I am capable of concentration and yet so fear business success that it destroys my focus.

4. Ask for input/help/advice: If anyone can recommend books about motivation/staying focused, or can provide a contact/sponsor I can chat with to work through these issues, I'd appreciate it.

5. List specific problems/identify solutions:

a. I need to confront my fear of success. I'm going to use George Collins' "Breaking the Cycle" technique of viewing the day I got fired, then dialoguing with my success-phobic self, let's call him "Mr. Fear-O" to heal this wound and get on with my life. 

b. I can't solve this alone.  I've shared here and will continue to do so twice a day until I fix the problem. Learning from my depression issues, I'm also going to make an appointment with a counsellor who really helped me. I think that I need to talk this through with a professional. Self-coaching wasn't enough to stop my PMO-habit so I'll need to use the same techniques to reach my next goal: conquering my fear of success.

c. I need to set goals and then execute through better time management. Starting today, I'm going to create a set of annual goals, then monthly goals, and then weekly goals. Once I've reviewed this and identified my goals, I can now start working on tasks. Using the '7 Habits' strategy of putting first things first, I have to prioritize my time to ensure I'm working both intelligently and productively. I was going to start today with a daily plan, but now understand through writing this is the wrong approach. I have to take a bigger view of my goals to more effectively plan my time.

d. Internet Addiction: My porn addiction has now transformed into an internet addiction. I feel a bit like a heroin addict caressing an empty syringe. Yes I'm no longer using the drug, but I need to use my new-found freedom to both produce and achieve rather than simply waste time. If anyone has suggestions about how to deal with internet addiction, I'm open to your input. I think this is more about me learning confidence and self-control.

6. Create a plan: Today I'm going to:

- Set my main goals for this particular task. What do I really want? Who do I want to be?
- Work through the pain of my past firing. I am not my past history.
- Set my smaller goals for 2015: then break these down by month, and eventually by week. I'll give myself an hour to do that once I finish this post.
- Make an appointment with Dr. B (counsellor) to be pro-active in dealing with my fear of success.
- Meticulously plan my day: work; shopping; light renovations; and then exercise.
- Reach out to my contacts for help with the web design. I accept I will never be able to complete this alone.
- Search for books/materials/websites that can help with my specific issues: fear and self-destructiveness. 
- I'm going to start posting twice daily for the next 30 days so I am both pro-active and accountable when dealing with this problem. Beating porn was just the beginning, regaining confidence, focus, and a greater work ethic are now my main goals.
   
7. Execute: Time to get started!

On a more personal note, I'm going to see my boyfriend this afternoon. Can't wait! I just spoke with him and started getting hard just listening to his voice. Feels like being 13 again. This is quite an improvement from me 87 days ago when even the most hard-core femdom videos couldn't do it for me. On the menu: hot sex; dinner party with friends; overnight; hot sex; brunch; and then back home. As you can tell, I REALLY enjoy sex, but no longer obsess about it. I guess I could more accurately write that I think about sex with my boyfriend, rather than imagining a porn-like scene with every man I see. Beating the porn/sex/masturbation addiction was hard, but it taught me the tools I need to use to face this next challenge: rebooting my professional life. Wish me luck!   Thanks for reading my friends. Any input/advice you can provide would be most helpful. Be strong. FOCUS IS AN OPTION. 
« Last Edit: January 24, 2015, 03:45:37 AM by lyon03 »

ready2go

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #242 on: January 24, 2015, 03:13:54 AM »
Lyon I took some time to reread your journal.  Wow, what a story and look how you evolved.  Completely exhilarating to read through  Thanks for keeping us in your heart, as we do you.  And keep it up post-90.  with love, r2g


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lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #243 on: January 24, 2015, 04:51:42 AM »
Thanks Readytogo! Day 87: Here is an update to my last post:

1. Set my main goals for this particular task. What do I really want? Who do I want to be?

Done.

2. Work through the pain of my past firing. I am not my past history.

Done. Actually got a nice headbuzz thinking of it. No migraine...YET.

3. Set my smaller goals for 2015: then break these down by month, and eventually by week. I'll give myself an hour to do that once I finish this post.

Done.

4. Make an appointment with Dr. B (counsellor) to be pro-active in dealing with my fear of success.

Done. Set for March 2. A bit later than hoped, but I find just taking the first step helps.

5. Meticulously plan my day: work; shopping; light renovations; and then exercise.

Done.

6. Reach out to my contacts for help with the web design. I accept I will never be able to complete this alone.

Pending. Will do this afternoon or evening before dinner.

7. Search for books/materials/websites that can help with my specific issues: fear and self-destructiveness.

Downloading 'The Motivation Manifesto' recommended by Phoenix (thanks brother).

Feels good to take action!
« Last Edit: January 24, 2015, 04:59:31 AM by lyon03 »

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #244 on: January 24, 2015, 07:57:07 AM »
You're making great strides, Lyon.  Really laying out a path for growth and sanity and joy.  Keep going.  You're inspiring the hell out of me!

ready2go

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #245 on: January 24, 2015, 10:55:49 AM »
Yeah!  Fuck yeah!!

That part about making the appt for March 2.  I heard somewhere that the seminar begins when you register for it.  Sounds like you're registered! Go Lyon!!


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lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #246 on: January 25, 2015, 06:55:46 AM »
Day 88: Thanks brothers. Short post as I'm on my tablet at the BF's place. Great progress yesterday, feeling good, 2 days until meeting my (initial) Reboot goal, fun time at dinner with the BF and some friends last night. Terrific, intimate, rock hard, and mind-blowing sex this a.m. Is this really my life? Somebody pinch me! Be well brothers. Back on the career reboot tomorrow.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2015, 07:06:20 AM by lyon03 »

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #247 on: January 25, 2015, 02:46:42 PM »
I'm going to leaning on you for career reboot motivation...  Just sayin.  Be well!


Cheers,

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #248 on: January 25, 2015, 03:27:18 PM »
Way to go Lyon! Just 2 more days til your goal. You must be feeling proud. Glad the sex was hot too! Cheers to a success story!



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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #249 on: January 25, 2015, 04:08:37 PM »
Day 88 (cont'd): Thanks guys for your kind messages and support. You all know how much it means to me. Day 90 will be in just 48 hours and it's like a f*cked up Christmas Day. It will mark my first victory against PMO addiction in something like 15-20 years. While I accept I could have done more productive things with these lost years, I also accept I'm never getting them back. Chapter II, or the next 90 days, will be a career reboot. I'm going to put as much time, energy, and posting into my career reboot as my PMO reboot. Again, much thanks for your love and support brothers. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION...AND NEVER WILL BE AGAIN. 
« Last Edit: January 25, 2015, 04:22:24 PM by lyon03 »