Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 197824 times)

savingmysoul

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #200 on: January 13, 2015, 04:34:39 PM »
You are an inspiration to all of us as we continue on this path.

Keep up the good fight!  Enjoy dinner.

horpio

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #201 on: January 13, 2015, 06:56:01 PM »
 :) Made time to catch up on all your posts. Good luck with the business. I'm sure you'll do what is needed to take that to the next level. Your mind is clear, so you can easily come up with new strategies to meet any challenges.
I recognize your need to focus more on your 'offline' life. Maybe it's a natural progression as you put distance between yourself and the PMO addiction. But as you've heard so many fellow rebooters say - don't disappear (not that you're planning to). Your posts, story, honesty, charisma and support has helped a lot of us. Your involvement here will be a continuous anchor for yourself too, double-edged sword kind of thingy  8)

Best to you brotha   

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #202 on: January 14, 2015, 04:52:46 AM »
Day 77: Success! Great dinner with the BF and some friends last night. Then the best wake up sex ever which, after 2 weeks of celibacy, I REALLY needed. No problem with the equipment whatsoever so the days of limp-noodle fapping and trickle orgasm PMO sessions appear to be a thing of the past. Without getting too graphic, the intensity and quantity of my orgasms is almost embarassing. I also dreamed of relapsing last night. I recall dreaming that I saw a porn website. I woke up around 5 a.m. feeling so ashamed. But if you're going to relapse, it may as well be while dreaming rather than in real life. What is interesting is the revulsion I felt at having viewed pornography. Perhaps that's a good thing. Now post-coital I'm more relaxed, so it's back to work. Short but sweet post. Thanks everyone for your kind shares and encouragement. I'd like to invite you all out for dinner, but alas that will never happen. Be strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2015, 04:55:55 AM by lyon03 »

chris73

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #203 on: January 14, 2015, 05:21:07 AM »
Hi Lyon, Im happy for you, man!

Thanks for posting! It`s so good to be returning to "normal" life (whatever it means), no? Slowly and steadily things get better. When dreaming, everything goes, so dont worry about relapsing there - your subconscious may be telling you something, like recalling you about your goals. Good luck in your ongoing journey to a better life!

I`m still to reply to your late posts - didnt forget, but still wrapped in that drama with my crush (we made it again on Saturday, unexpectedly), and being mindful about many thoughts. Not in the mood to write so far, but soon I will.

Wish you all the best, brother!! I`ll accept that dinner, if you dont mind :p
Cheers!

chris73

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #204 on: January 14, 2015, 05:24:41 AM »
Just to let you know, I totally agree with Horpio`s last post. You`re an inspiration to us all, man.
Keep going and doing your best!!

ntg

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #205 on: January 14, 2015, 12:05:37 PM »
Thanks lyon for posting on my page man, glad the video helped you out as much as it did me.  Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm glad I'm not seeing you as much on here man; I think it's fantastic that you're getting out and reclaiming your life.  These forums are great as we can support each other, but they are only a tool to help us in our lives...so definitely put the priority on your life and improving it.  I totally agree with everyone else that has posted so far, that you're an inspiration and a great friend and supporter on here for other guys, but take time out for yourself and to live your life too.  You deserve it man!  I'm here for ya if you need anything. 
There’s one thing that is guaranteed to increase your feelings of control over your life: a bias toward action.  - Mel Robbins

Pheonix

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #206 on: January 14, 2015, 02:51:42 PM »
Congratulations Lyon. You are really turning the corner here. Life really is great on the other side of this addiction!

I thought of you last night as I was reading a book. I think it may go a long way to solving your productivity problem at work. It is called "The Motivation Manifesto" by Brendon Burchard. I highly recommend it! I am totally on fire with energy and motivation to live this life porn free!

Best to you.

-P


lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #207 on: January 15, 2015, 01:19:29 AM »
Day 78: Thanks Phoenix, I'll buy the book today. I want the rest of my life to be like the last 48 hours:

- Dinner (and laughter) with good friends
- Spending time with someone I love
- Gettin' busy with someone I love!
- Evening of fun/networking but while learning as well
- Working effectively and seeing results (via sales)
- Truly listening and connecting with people

Last night erased 11 shitty years of addiction. I attended a conference hosted by the Canadian Consulate in a nearby city. There was a distinguished panel complete with the Consul General, bankers, intellectuals etc. It's the type of event I often attended when I first started my career. Rather than fidget with my phone, think about porn, and generally give off a vibe like I'd rather be masturbating, I really listened and then participated during the Q&A session. Fast forward and I've been spontaneously invited to a swanky dinner and seated at the head table next to the Consul. I was like, "Wha!?" Just over two months ago, my day consisted of searching desperately for porn videos I hadn't seen. Yes that's right. I had watched so much porn, it was difficult to find something new. Pathetic! Well yesterday, the former addict me officially died. I was the guy everyone wanted to talk to. I was truly connecting with people, not by the force of my personality, but by listening to what others had to say. I was f*cking magnetic. It was such a rush.

I love this quote: "Life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving." Brothers, it isn't just a banquet, it's a Carnival-cruise-shaved-ice-dessert-section-mega-feast of a f*cking banquet. (Mine also has an entire section dedicated to just shrimp and sushi.) Porn/addiction simply killed my appetite. I now get it. My problems went much deeper than addiction. My PMO habit was simply the result of a lifelong and deeply-engrained self-hatred. PMO-free, I love myself. You cannot give nor receive love while an addict. Addiction = self-hatred. While in the depths of addiction, I was not only destroying myself, but also the lives of those around me. Sobriety = happiness. Porn filled a hole in my soul that I've now slowly started to refill with the good things in life: love; friendship; and happiness. It's a wonderful feeling. 

So yes it's day 78 and I'm happy about that, but I'll never use porn again. Life is just too good without it. Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2015, 09:20:46 AM by lyon03 »

Jaystock

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #208 on: January 15, 2015, 07:48:37 AM »
I understand, completely. When I get around people  now, it's like they are attracted  to talk to me. I love having  conversations  with people. I'm not sure why that is (like it though ). When I think  about what a better father, husband,  and friend I've become,  I almost get teared  up.. what a sick existence we had, a few months  ago. We are 100% different (better ) humans  than we were 3 or 4 months ago. Thank you for being  here lyon. Porn is not an option, ever

savingmysoul

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #209 on: January 15, 2015, 07:59:57 AM »
AMEN!

ntg

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #210 on: January 15, 2015, 10:58:56 AM »
I love this quote: "Life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving." Brothers, it isn't just a banquet, it's a Carnival-cruise-shaved-ice-dessert-section-mega-feast of a f*cking banquet. (Mine also has an entire section dedicated to just shrimp and sushi.) Porn/addiction simply killed my appetite. I now get it. My problems went much deeper than addiction. My PMO habit was simply the result of a lifelong and deeply-engrained self-hatred. PMO-free, I love myself. You cannot give nor receive love while an addict. Addiction = self-hatred. While in the depths of addiction, I was not only destroying myself, but also the lives of those around me. Sobriety = happiness. Porn filled a hole in my soul that I've now slowly started to refill with the good things in life: love; friendship; and happiness. It's a wonderful feeling. 


I love what you said here, lyon!  I think you've nailed the hammer on the head, as to why we're all experiencing such vast differences in the way we view ourselves and the interactions we have with others.  We're happy and no longer satisfied with what we have, and are reaching for more.  We are now self-starters, and not only are we taking, but we're giving too, no one likes to be around just a taker, but everyone wants to be around a giver.  If you're so depleted with your life energy, you've got nothing to give; if you have an abundance, you can give it away and it just comes back to you.  Love this man!  You're doing so great.
There’s one thing that is guaranteed to increase your feelings of control over your life: a bias toward action.  - Mel Robbins

Poker

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #211 on: January 15, 2015, 11:48:13 AM »
It sounds like you're acknowledging, and dealing with a lot "root-cause issues" in your life.

Their is a reason why as adults we think the way we do...  Why we lean towards this political party or that party... Why we love women or hate women...  Why we handle money certain ways, why we have or don't have certain social or performance anxieties...

picture this...  A blank piece of paper, and you're going to draw a garden.  You draw a line 3/4 of the way down (ground).  Next you add the flowers, and some shrubs...  The brightest flowers represent the great things in your life... The shrubs are our mundane habits...  But what happens in every garden?  Weeds.  The shitty things in our lives...  So, add the weeds. 

There is something missing.  The reason for every good thing, mundane thing, and shitty thing... The root-cause.  Now draw your roots below the surface...

To keep this generic, picture a guy with anger problems who often explodes at his kids over nothing...

One of the weeds in his garden is the anger problem...  So, in life we weed our garden...  And he tells his wife he's sorry and will stop yelling at the kids...  That is a lot like pulling out a dandy lion with your hand...  You only get the top, and root stays in the ground...  Guess what, in a few weeks the weed is back.

Let's now focus on his kids...  What are they going to grow up to be like having been traumatized weekly?  How are they going to be screwed up in life? We now know what the root cause of their problems are, and they would likely need a good deal of counselling to get that root out of their garden...

What are the roots that caused dad's issue?  He would have to dig deep and figure that out and deal with it to fix it...  Most people don't understand if you don't address the root, it will always re-surface.   

I'm a life long Toronto Maple Leafs fan....  People I love growing up were Leafs fans, and I became one.  Its an emotional attachment.  I myself will need years of therapy to help me stop cheering for those bums.  :(

Long post... But some deep shit for sure.



Cheers,

p.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2015, 04:10:52 PM by Poker »

Poker

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #212 on: January 15, 2015, 04:08:18 PM »
Let me add this to my little analogy.....   

The power of positive thinking is in itself a good thing.  Sometimes, however its not enough. 

In my angry dad example, he could easily see that he's angry, and may honesty feel really bad.  He may tell himself, "starting right now, there is going to be a brand new me!"  That alone will not fix his problem.  While it's a positive statement, he is just plucking the top off the weed....  How many times in your life have you told yourself you're going to change this or that.... and after a little while its the same old you, repeating the same old mistakes.

Root-cause is powerful shit.....  It forces you to address the "why this is happening".   You have to dig deep and address the problems and issues entirely.  If you don't pluck the entire root out, you will always have the weed in your garden...  be it anger, self esteem, depression, Leafs fan, failed marriages and relationships, failed business ventures, voting Liberal every election.....   what ever the weeds in your garden are, figure out what the root is.  How it got planted there, and deal with it.

Easier said then done, and in some cases professional counseling is needed.  However, understanding this puts you leaps and bounds closer to a weed free garden....  and, a beautiful life, than you could ever imagine.

Cheers,

p.
 


lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #213 on: January 16, 2015, 04:06:37 AM »
Thanks Poker. Only a fellow Canadian could combine hockey with philosophy. Day 79 brothers! On the eve of breaking 80, I can almost taste my 90-day reboot goal. There is a great section in the book "Breaking the Habit" by George Collins entitled "How good can you stand it?" Collins writes:

"The conscious and unconscious aspects of [your] mind do a good job of hiding the real you. They continue, at a blistering rate, to spin countless stories to keep you quite diverted. These stories, projections, and memories keep you preoccupied with the past or future, rather than being in the here and now. A lot of what your mind throws up and at you is based on fear, shame, pain, self-doubt, judgement, and anger. What you're missing is what is happening in each moment."

Porn distracts us from life. It kills the loving connection we should have with our world and the people in it. In my case, it warped and corrupted me into something disgusting, twisted, and evil. I feel like I'm getting back to the real me. I can now calmly sit and chat with my ex-wife like I did last night. I babysat the kids while she was out and we had another great conversation upon her return. I am thrilled to see my family healing and am no longer saddened my absence made it possible. It's just the truth.

Now that porn has less sway over me, I am now starting a new and exciting chapter: rebooting my life. This includes first getting back my concentration, then re-building my business, being a good father again, buying my dream home, learning new languages, love, travel, music, you name it. I am re-learning how to live in the moment. It is both terrifying and exquisite.

Tomorrow I'm throwing myself a birthday dinner (even though my birthday is at the end of the month). It's nothing big just 4 friends, my sexy BF, and me. This will be the first birthday in about 20 years that I'll feel good about myself. It will no doubt be one of many wonderful moments to come in my new life.

Be strong my friends. LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2015, 11:11:11 AM by lyon03 »

Dharmabum

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #214 on: January 16, 2015, 06:10:06 AM »
Whoa, good for you, Lyon!   What a series of great posts I'm seeing here!

Happy early birthday, and more than anything, congrats to the pronouncement of the death of the old "Porn You" that existed.

I know you know you need to stay vigilant, because even if that old version of you is dead, there's always the zombie/resurrection phenomenon.  But your aversion to porn, your positive traction, and your new connections all point toward the rebirth of the saner, sober you!  How amazing is that? 

Good for you, for the great sex, for the great opportunities, for the great feeling you've earned so you can truly be proud of who you are.

Rock on, my friend.  You're inspiring us all.

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #215 on: January 17, 2015, 12:50:18 AM »
Day 80! Quick post as I'm up early to take my son to his soccer tournament. As I close in on the end of three months, I'm a changed man. I don't know how to describe it. Porn put me in a smeared glass box. I could see and hear (badly) what was going on in the world, but not participate. Due to addiction, so many wonderful things were missing: touch, smell, texture, etc. At the beginning of my reboot journey, I started smashing my way to freedom. Armed with sobriety, you swing away. It starts with a crack, then tiny hole, then full-blown breach, and eventually the whole thing comes crashing down on you. Breaking out of my addiction box gave my life a technicolour texture I had truly forgotten. This is a very good thing. Yesterday I worked around my apartment, renovating this and that, did a bit of office work, stopped by the lawyer's office to finalise the divorce, then dropped by my ex-wife's house to have a chat and take my eldest son out to dinner. We had a great time. He's a wonderful kid although when in my foggy porn-o-box of addiction, I didn't even notice. I do have regrets about lost time, but that won't stop me from re-building my life. That starts with being a good father to my three kids. I'm off. Busy day today: soccer; brunch with the ex-wife; meeting up with the boyfriend this afternoon; then my b-day dinner party. Thanks for reading brothers. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

avesraggiana

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #216 on: January 17, 2015, 01:07:58 AM »
You are my newest idol and super hero!  Well done, Lyon!  I got a huge burst of inspiration reading your journal from start to finish!  I can’t wait to get to my ninety days!  Maybe my old boyfriend will come back too and will become a new type of boyfriend because I’ve become a new type of man. 

Thank you for leading by example, and for being so generous in sharing your journey.


Dharmabum

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #217 on: January 17, 2015, 08:33:12 AM »
Lyon,

I hear you on the smudgy box analogy.  A couple of years ago, I went on a six day meditation retreat.  We spent most of the time in silence.  Meals were over an hour long and talking was discouraged.  We were invited to simply pay attention to our food as we ate.  I have to admit, it was the first time in my life that I can recall actually being present when I had a meal.  I'm always talking, or reading, or doing something distracting.  To sit with my food and taste it - really taste it - and realize what a gift and how amazing each bite was…that's what I imagine being free of this addiction is like.  Everything we put around us to cocoon us from the world eventually falls away and we start to feel again. 

That's what I'm experiencing.  I had a trio of meetings on Thursday with clients and - for the first time in a long time - I felt like I was really engaged and telling them what they needed to do rather than reacting and letting someone else take the lead.  I was a solutions guy rather than just a "whatever you need, I'll deliver" order-taker.  It's how progress feels, and I'll take it any day over sitting in the dark watching fetish videos.

I want to keep feeling things.  I want to keep knowing what the present moment feels like rather than retreating into fantasy.  You're setting a great example for us all as to how it is done.  Thank you.

Keep going.  We're right here, cheering you on.

ianmac

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #218 on: January 17, 2015, 10:23:57 PM »
Lyon,

Thanks for sharing your new life out of the box.  It's great to see what you have now compared to what you used to have and to see what we have to look forward to when we get out of that box too.

Ian

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #219 on: January 18, 2015, 04:07:29 PM »
Day 81: What a week! I went from paralysing migraines, to a consular dinner, to throwing my own birthday party, to an even deeper sense of intimacy with my boyfriend. This will be a quick post as I'm heading to bed. My birthday dinner last night was a blast. Great food (I cooked), fun friends, excellent wine/champagne, and my favourite dessert: bananas flambées (highly symbolic as I too am a flamer). This coming week I hope to set my recovery on a more even course. I can see while scanning my previous posts I tended to keel from near depression to the highest of highs. Rather than try to conquer Everest every week, I'm going to go about things in a less obsessive way. That means being a good father, working steady hours, setting realistic goals, and, most importantly, staying on a rigid work/exercise/diet/reading/sleep schedule. I no longer have any desire whatsoever to watch porn nor masturbate. Now the struggle is early warning. This means managing the emotions/habits that led me down the path of addiction, namely: dishonesty; shame; sloth; and anger. But I will write this: it is wonderful to move from virtual recovery via obsessive posting on this website, to more real-life recovery through meaningful relationships. Indeed life is beautiful. Thanks for reading and be well my friends.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2015, 04:11:55 PM by lyon03 »

Patrick

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #220 on: January 18, 2015, 05:15:46 PM »
Good luck, my friend, you're awesome. Thanks for all the wonderful posts, and maybe you can come back some time and post some more if it fits. Wishing you much happiness and continuing sobriety.


horpio

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #221 on: January 18, 2015, 06:27:11 PM »
Congrats on your progress
What a week! I went from paralysing migraines, to a consular dinner, to throwing my own birthday party, to an even deeper sense of intimacy with my boyfriend.
...I no longer have any desire whatsoever to watch porn nor masturbate. Now the struggle is early warning. This means managing the emotions/habits that led me down the path of addiction, namely: dishonesty; shame; sloth; and anger.
You are doing it, you're making your life more beautiful.

avesraggiana

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #222 on: January 18, 2015, 08:17:18 PM »
Hello again, lyon3.

I’m happy and a little wistful that you won’t be needing this forum anymore.  After all, the whole point of PIED recovery is to get to the point where you will no longer need support and encouragement and guidance. 

I wish you well in everything you do.  Please keep your journal available on this forum.  I know it will be a great source of inspiration and assurance for those of us remaining, and for the many more yet to come.

Be well always.


lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #223 on: January 19, 2015, 01:54:38 AM »
Day 82: Thank you everyone for your kind posts of encouragement. You all know how much the support matters, no matter where we are in our lives/recovery. As I close in on my goal of a 90-day Reboot, I am both thrilled and a little scared. I have so rarely taken things in my life to any conclusion. I too often chose to run from life's problems/challenges. Porn was but a symptom of my cowardice. As I look back on my life, I am reminded of this wonderful quote from T.S. Eliot:

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

After 42 years of pain and suffering, some real and much imagined, I now know myself. And as Eliot wrote, I know myself perhaps for the first time. For me, porn was but the tip of the iceberg. It was the act that resulted from a deeply-engrained self-hatred. I hated my homosexuality, I hated my weakness, I hated myself for failing so often. Reboot alone cannot change your life. It simply lifts the fog to expose whatever resulted in addiction. Without the porn fog, I was confronted with a loveless marriage, deep anger, lies, deceptions, cheating, and wounded children. One by one I tackled these problems. It was a f*cking nightmare. This was less courage and more necessity. I was simply rebuilding what I had destroyed.

For me, the hardest part of Reboot was a scary self-awareness. The one constant in every sh*tty situation in my life was me. I was to blame. I was my own worst enemy. This was hard to accept. Ultimately I chose to be my own best friend. Once I learned to love myself, porn no longer had a place in my life. I don't need it anymore. Life is about friends, family, travel, love, good food, great sex....I could go on. I guess the ultimate choice is whether we want to live our lives on a screen or just b*lls out live it in the real world. I choose reality. Yes it can f*cking hurt sometimes, but I've learned that without pain there can be no happiness. Thanks for reading my rambling post. Be well nation! REAL LIFE IS AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: January 19, 2015, 02:00:03 AM by lyon03 »

Poker

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #224 on: January 19, 2015, 12:10:06 PM »
No.  Tackling those issues was courage. It would have been so easy to take any easy escape, and keep your head buried. 

Instead, you made a dedicated decission for actual change, and have accepted both the responsibilities of past failure and the responsibility of future change and success.  You have committed to multiple changes and improvements in your life...  So many only address the PIED. 

I am very proud of what you've set out to accomplish, if not a wee bet envious.  Great job.

I will now give you the exact same advice and warning I give new board members... 

I don't care how far down the road to recovery you have traveled. The ditch is still the same distance away,(and finding yourself in it will be just as bad.)

Congrats on nearing your milestone!


Cheers,

p.