Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 197832 times)

johngalt75321

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #125 on: December 23, 2014, 09:02:01 AM »
I hope you have a Merry Christmas, Lyon! Have fun with your family!  :) :) :)

savingmysoul

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #126 on: December 23, 2014, 11:10:04 AM »
Merrry Christmas Lyon,

Enjoy yourself! 

Have fun skiing.

Poker

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #127 on: December 23, 2014, 11:58:43 AM »
Merry Christmas Lyon!  Have a great time.

Cheers,

p.

Poker

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #128 on: December 25, 2014, 10:34:46 PM »
Merry Christmas my friend.

cheers.

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #129 on: December 26, 2014, 09:15:19 AM »
Day 58: Thanks to everyone for your kind Christmas wishes. Still clean/sober here. The closest I came to relapse was admiring how nice my junk looked in the bathroom mirror. Amazing how full your package gets when you don't death-grip spank the old genitals two/three times a day. I washed myself a little too vigorously down south in the shower last night but not enough to get hard and no orgasm. So I've been off the porn and masturbation for just shy of 2 months. I'm saving all the sexual energy for intimate moments with my BF. 

Just back from the family ski holiday (ex-wife + 3 kids) and couldn't be happier with the way things went. In brief: I was the *sshole for the past 10 years (not my ex-wife) and once I stopped being a complete d*ck, with a porn addiction, my family could actually enjoy a holiday. Go figure?  I have some friendly advice to all PMO addicts like me who blame their wives, girlfriends, spouses, partners and family. If you are on the verge of blaming someone else for your life's problems or, worse yet, your PMO addiction, spare me. So repeat after me fellow bitter Rebooters:

"I am the problem. My PMO addiction is my fault. No one else is to blame. As a porn addict, I am not the nicest nor most desirable partner, father, friend. I spent years or even decades neglecting people who only wanted my love and attention. This hurt them. Now that I've spent a few weeks without PMO, this doesn't mean everyone has healed with me. While going through a reboot/recovery, I must be mindful of the pain and suffering my loved ones have suffered because of my mistakes. I cannot blame my loved ones for feeling lost, angry, or even if they resent me. I accept my fault in creating this situation. As I recover, I will do my best to be mindful, caring, loving, and understanding with my loved ones as they heal from the terrible effects of my addiction."

In essence, I take back all of the useless trash talking (writing?) I did in previous posts about my ex-wife being a b*tch. Yes she can be a controlling and emotional hag sometimes, but I wonder how I'd feel after learning my husband wanked to the most graphic gay porn for almost 20 years, then announced he liked guys, then mentioned he'd fallen in love with a guy, and finally said he wanted a divorce. Merry f*cking Christmas! Rather than thinking of her as a b*tch, I'm going to nominate her for the Nobel Prize. I'm surprised she can even sit at the same dinner table without stabbing me. The woman deserves (and will get) my respect.

So getting back to the ski trip. Not a lot of snow in the Alps at the moment, but still good glacier skiing and plenty of snow above the treeline. So we arrive, relax, spent 2 full days skiing in the best conditions (sunshine, little wind, and above freezing temperatures). I did a complete 180 as far as my attitude. Repeating my mantra of "Don't be a selfish *sshole" I was patient, attentive, and generous with both my love and affection. Sure things are frosty with my ex, we are after all divorcing, so I just focused on our three kids. I taught my youngest how to ski, he learned quickly, so we then we spent the entire time skiing as a family. It was like something out of a Disney movie we were smiling so much. In the evenings, we had dinners together, then games, and early to bed. It felt like some Euro version of the Waltons. The kids were happy. My ex-wife was happy but in a 'what the f*ck just happened!?' kind of way and I now have a blueprint for the rest of my life: no PMO, no TV, no more blame. From now on it's all about what I can do to make my life better.

So as 2014 comes to a close, I wanted to thank all of you for your love/support over the past few months. Without this forum, I wouldn't have made it this far. Stay strong nation. PORN/BLAME ARE NOT OPTIONS.   

   


Poker

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #130 on: December 26, 2014, 09:52:53 AM »
Wow...  I am amazed and impressed.  Very happy the ski trip went well, and that you had a chance to teach your kid to ski...  Those are the moments you will cherish.

Cheers!

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #131 on: December 27, 2014, 02:43:58 AM »
Day 59: Not much to report this snowy Saturday morning in Europe. Still clean/sober. I posted before that porn addiction was like a loud, obnoxious boom-box I dumped two months ago. Reboot is like walking away from it on the road to recovery. So the porn-o-box's music/impact tend to lessen with each step forward. And today PMO is just a weak din in the distance. Yes I still have occasional flashbacks to porn scenes I've watched. If I'm really distracted/bored in front of a computer screen, my old porn habit sneaks back into the brain as I start to creep the Youtube exercise videos that were my G-rated gateway back to porn. But it tend to shut down the triggers first by doing something else like working/reading. So you go from fighting the porn addiction to changing your habits that resulted in PMO. I see it like this: if you're a heroin addict, you can't spend your entire day staring at an empty syringe. Our addiction gateway is the computer so we have to get off of the screens as much as possible in my opinion by doing other things. As I close in on 60 days, 90 days, and a year, I am a long way from the night sweats, raging boners, fleshy dreams, and shaky legs during the worst my withdrawal. It's cold/snowy here in Europe. But it's going to be warm and sunny in Israel. I leave for a week's holiday Tuesday morning. Three days in Jerusalem and then down to the sunny/warm Red Sea resort of Eilat. I was thrilled to read the weather report (sunny/warm). The water temperature there is currently 23 degrees celcius (about 74 Fahrenheit). Bring it on! My thoughts go out to everyone currently suffering from porn addiction. If after a 20-year habit, if I can remain PMO-free and change my life in two months, anyone can. Stay strong nation: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 


 
« Last Edit: December 27, 2014, 07:00:07 AM by lyon03 »

Patrick

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #132 on: December 27, 2014, 04:40:59 AM »
Hi Lyon03, So good to read your post. I'm in Germany and thrilled with the first snow. I like cold winters better than lukewarm ones. Great that you're going away for holidays and see the sun again there :)

What was really important for me was to learn about "raging boners," this is something that seems to happen quite often in reboot, and if you don't know about it you might mistake it for a "cured" sign that can lead into MO, as was the case with me.

Becoming a better man amd not a better boner is also sooo important. I know that part of my addiction is crankiness and selfishness.

Right now, I also have flashbacks from one of the videos I didn't use when I acted out last, just scanned it and wanted to come back to it "later", the later is now gone for over 3 weeks, and my brain would desperately like to take a peek. F*ck! It was always like that and led me to relapse. Shutting down the computer after the PMO session and in my mind I had these fragments of P I hadn't used in that sesssion knowing I would come back to it soon. May I quote you here PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. It's incredible how hard it is fo my brain to see the truth of it - full-on dopamine scandal >:(

My gateway VERY OFTEN also was looking up exercise videos on youtube, then I wanted to see more. I am also avoiding looking at guys for too long as it makes my dopamine rise. After my MO night I can see that I need to watch out for this and not mix up M or O with P in any way, not even in my mind. A raging boner is just something that shows that I'm going in the right direction and is no OK sign for edging or MO. Phew... :-[

Good luck on your journey and thanks for your wisdom and we can do it!






 


lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #133 on: December 27, 2014, 07:39:33 AM »
Thanks for sharing Patrick. Ok so you jerked off. Treat it like a speed bump on your road to recovery rather than a smash up. What I'm trying to learn through Reboot is impulse control. This means not fapping every time I get a bit stressed because that simply resembles my addiction. Just a few weeks ago, my attention span was a sad 3 minutes. I could only concentrate on one task for 3 minutes before my brain looked for a fix. So if you went a certain number of days before jerking off, try to beat that record next time. What's important is gaining control over our impulses (or d*ck) and not letting these impulses run your life. I appreciate your message. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

Patrick

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #134 on: December 27, 2014, 07:49:45 AM »
Thank you, lyon03, so valuable!
It's good to hear that it's not so good to be a drama queen about this  :D (And as you said, this is your role on the board, ha ha.)
Impulse control is really something worth pursuing, I can see that now. I might set up a timer for edging and MO. Beat my previous best of 21 days. I mean, it's amazing I made it that far anyway. Sometimes I have the feeling that looking at the numbers can make you go crazy and compulsive. Glad to be here with you.
Thanks and have a great day, brother.
 


Poker

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #135 on: December 27, 2014, 10:46:55 AM »
I hear you when you say you're bores in front of a computer screen.   It's brutal.  I used the use the bad message boards as my socialization...  One such board had sections for Chatter / Politics / Money / and World Events.   


It was tough dropping out of that world...  You talk a little politics and sports, argue about the middle east, tell a dirty joke and talk a little smack about some chic's ass...  It reaLly was my only socializing outside of work.

Now I realize how badly I had allowed myself to objectify women.  Yes, it was hard to drop out, but I'm glad I'm trying to be a better person.   

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #136 on: December 27, 2014, 02:44:18 PM »
Day 59 (cont'd): Still clean and sober at the end of the day here in Europe. Just moving my ex-wife and kids to their new home...we're divorcing. Rather than being a total diva b*tch like I was in the depths of my porn addiction, the new PMO-free me was kind, helpful, and relaxed. Moved a lot of boxes today out of the family apartment. Just between us, I was thrilled to see most of this sh*t going out the door. My ex-wife is a black-belt pack rat. I've found things I didn't know I had...like my tools. As a result of this new attitude, the kids were quite happy and relaxed all day despite an emotionally-charged atmosphere. Was still feeling a bit of an emotional tug and started to get restless but never made it to the gym because I was watching the kids while the ex was picking up their new beds. I'm still feeling a bit tense now because I needed to work off the stress of this situation. Asked the BF if he was available to work off my stress with him in bed but no dice as he has a friend visiting so I had a mini meltdown, lots of "THIS IS OVER!", "WHAT AM I DOING WITH THIS GUY?", and my favourite "CAN'T HE THINK ABOUT ME FOR A CHANGE!?". Yes, my alter ego Fran the drunk cat-owning office chick came back to life. Fran is my inner addict bubbling back to the surface when I get a bit stressed. Thankfully, the meltdown was solo, no texting nor calling the BF, so I simply read a bit, got dinner ready, and generally calmed the f*ck down. Funny how we can go from perfectly calm to full-on addict mode in the blink of an eye. Anyhow, back to normal and just winding down before bed. Hope everyone had a relaxed and porn-free day. Thanks for reading. BEING A WHINY PORN B*TCH IS NOT AN OPTION. 
« Last Edit: December 27, 2014, 02:59:33 PM by lyon03 »

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #137 on: December 28, 2014, 02:37:51 AM »
Day 60: Well hot damn if this no-PMO princess didn't make it two months without porn. I look forward to making it to 90 days and beyond. Looking back over my early recovery there were some distinct phases:

Week 1: WTF? Going a week without porn was easy. After all, I'd done it before. But there was a certain sense of apprehension/fear. I refer to this time as the phony war because you know a brutal battle is coming but nothing happens. Anticipation.

Week 2: First Contact I join PAA (which is like AA for porn addicts), participate in my first Skype meeting, start reading posts by other PMO addicts, and realize I am not alone. This is a huge relief for me because battling addiction is hard enough, but battling addiction alone is impossible. I finally admit to myself that I'm not just rebooting, but battling a lifelong addiction. I also join Reboot Nation. Withdrawal starts. 

Week 3: Trainspotting If there was any doubt I was an addict, my Trainspotting-like withdrawal symptoms certainly confirmed that. I am terrified by the shaking hands/legs, night sweats, spontaneous boners, sexy dreams, and an overwhelmingly strong urge to masturbate/relapse. I counter these symptoms by reading/learning everything I can about PMO and porn addiction. In essence, I'm feeding my frontal lobe with the knowledge to counter my pleasure centre's impulses. I realize withdrawal is simply my brain screaming for a dopamine fix. I am struggling but keep posting, sharing, and attending PAA meetings.

Week 4: Mixed Emotions Withdrawal then becomes flatline. I enter the noodledick phase with a completely lifeless and shrunken penis. I experience heavy depression. This then becomes mood swings moving from the happiest of highs to the crying at the gym to Sia's 'Chandelier' (true story). Towards the end of week 4, my libido starts to return. While emotional, I am also highly reflective entering a "Who am I?" phase. I start to work again but am disheartened that my attention span is a pathetic 3 mins. Years of porn abuse has destroyed my ability to concentrate.

Week 5: PMS My junk returns to normal size so I experience a relatively short flatline. I am horny with a capital "H" and have very meaningful and intimate sex with my boyfriend. During sex, I experience an emotional connection I didn't think possible while a porn addict. I also have the strongest erection and orgasm of my life. I start to understand the benefits of being PMO-free which go beyond the physical and sexual. My mood swings resemble a woman's PMS going from "Do you think I'm pretty?" to "Let's get it on." I regret the years and relationships I lost because of my addiction. The fog starts to lift and I am confronted with the war-torn landscape of a life I created. This makes me want to run back and hide behind addiction but I start my true journey of recovery. Unfortunately, the addict in me tries his best to blame everyone else (namely my ex-wife) but I realize I have only myself to blame. With this clarity, comes a new sense of strength and renewal. I start working more regular hours.

Week 6: Dr. Blame I learn everything I can about porn addiction, devour self-help books, watch Anthony Robbins videos and start to realize that to make a change in my life, I have to change myself first. My mood swings weaken and the need to PMO has diminished. I start posting/sharing on reboot websites almost obsessively but realize that, for once, this is a good obsession. Despite all of these positive developments, I have yet to mend the strongest relationship in my life: with my ex-wife. I wrongly blame her for all that is wrong and pick a fight with her. Following that argument, I decide it will be our last. I give up blame forever and realize I have only myself to blame. I am now truly ready to heal.

Week 7: Tentative Steps I start to mend the broken relationships in my life: namely with my children and ex-wife. I accept my addiction was fed by negative feelings (shame, anger), isolation, and a cancerous self-centredness. I FINALLY accept there is whole world outside of me and my PMO addiction. Reluctantly, I accept I have to start navigating the river of life rather than constantly trying to dam the waters. I accept I need to be a pro-active person by changing myself, rather than reactively waiting for others to change. I feel a new sense of clarity, purpose, and serenity. I have hope.

Today: I am not the same person I was just 60 days ago. While mentally exhausted, I now have the tools to remain porn-free for the rest of my life. I've learned the road to recovery starts off very rocky but eventually becomes as smooth as a freeway. I'm not just battling addiction, I realized I'm trying to be a better man. Porn is just another drug. We are all in essence addicts. Drugs dull pain. Remove the drug and you are forced to confront the source of your life's pain. I almost relapsed because I didn't want to confront this pain. Thankfully, I found the strength and support to work through this pain and reboot my life. Just 60 days ago, I hated myself and reinforced this self-hatred through the most vile and degrading PMO addiction. Today I love and respect myself. Porn is not an option for this new me. Thanks for reading.       








« Last Edit: December 28, 2014, 02:49:41 AM by lyon03 »

Patrick

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #138 on: December 28, 2014, 04:10:17 AM »
Just awesome, lyon03, so awesome. Left me speechless in a good way. Thanks for sharing and being here on RN.


Poker

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #139 on: December 28, 2014, 06:14:23 AM »
Glad to see you so strong through this process.  You are an inspiration.


Dharmabum

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #140 on: December 28, 2014, 08:19:31 AM »
Thanks for sharing the specifics of the journey on your most recent post with all those mile markers along the roadmap.  Helps me understand what can/might happen as I go through the coming weeks.  Everyone is different, but whatever the case, it's good to have others share the steps in their process and how it affected them.

Onward.  Day 61 and beyond, Lyon! 


lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #141 on: December 28, 2014, 01:24:57 PM »
Day 60 (cont'd): Just about to have dinner here in Europe and then call it a day. FINALLY got to the gym this afternoon to try and sweat off some stress but only to spend my entire workout in lust. My gym is currently being repainted and, lucky me, the hottest tradie/painter was there. Totally hot 30-something, great body, wife beater, handsome face, and nerd glasses. I'm a sucker for a hot muscle nerd. This was torture because I could think about at least, oh let's say, 400+ porn scenes that started this way! The upshot is the hornier I get at the gym, the harder I work out. Chest day today so I came out looking like some pumped-up version of Thor. I've never seen my chest so freakin' big. But all in good fun. Normally I would have MO'd right at the gym but the 60-day me is more about laughing it off, quiet dinner with the kids, and then reading before bed. Hope everyone had a porn-free day today. Stay strong nation, PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

horpio

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #142 on: December 28, 2014, 08:07:27 PM »
So repeat after me fellow bitter Rebooters:

"I am the problem. My PMO addiction is my fault. No one else is to blame. As a porn addict, I am not the nicest nor most desirable partner, father, friend. I spent years or even decades neglecting people who only wanted my love and attention. This hurt them. Now that I've spent a few weeks without PMO, this doesn't mean everyone has healed with me. While going through a reboot/recovery, I must be mindful of the pain and suffering my loved ones have suffered because of my mistakes. I cannot blame my loved ones for feeling lost, angry, or even if they resent me. I accept my fault in creating this situation. As I recover, I will do my best to be mindful, caring, loving, and understanding with my loved ones as they heal from the terrible effects of my addiction."


Taking responsibility for our lives and the problems we behaved ourselves into.
You have come a long way buddy in a short space of time. Your efforts are totally worth it. All the best as always.

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #143 on: December 29, 2014, 02:05:29 AM »
Day 61: Thanks Horpio. Just up and ready for a new day in the people's republic of Europe. Tomorrow morning I depart for a week in Israel (3 days Jerusalem / 3 days at the beach) and can't f*cking wait! While I won't be converting to Orthodox Judaism, I am the high priest of no-PMO these days. While I still have flashes of old search terms like "big c*ck" I can now safely admire the male form in all its glory without an obsessive fear of relapse. In fact, I lusted after a hunky painter at the gym yesterday without wanting to masturbate nor watch porn. But man did it motivate me to work out harder! My addiction will always be there, but it's now like an annoying background song in some mega-mall (like the Gypsy Kings). While always there, I can zone it out. I'll check in later today with my progress. Hope you are all well my Reboot brothers. Stay strong nation, HAPPINESS IS AN OPTION. 
« Last Edit: December 29, 2014, 05:25:33 AM by lyon03 »

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #144 on: December 29, 2014, 11:51:54 AM »
Day 61 (cont'd): Just about to head out. I'll overnight near the airport and then fly out to Israel tomorrow morning. Bittersweet day today. While I'm thrilled to be going away, my ex-wife is moving the kids to her hometown roughly 7 miles (12 kms) away. So I am essentially living on my own again. While this is sad, I've learned I don't have to make it sad for my children. My eldest is out for dinner/movie with his best friend and my two youngest will be staying with their grandparents and other cousins. So while I'm the saddest person, I'm keeping that to myself rather than having one of my PMO-addict former Joan-Crawford-like diva meltdowns. My motto: "It ain't all about me anymore!" So sad yes, tragic perhaps, will life go on: absolutely. I don't think I'll be posting much while away so to my fellow reboot brothers, thanks for your love and support. Stay strong RN and remember PORN IS NOT A F*CKING OPTION.   

Patrick

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #145 on: December 29, 2014, 12:20:04 PM »
Safe travels, lyon03. So awesome you are with us here :) Looking forward to your next posts.


Secondhalf

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #146 on: December 29, 2014, 08:35:13 PM »
Nice job, I am on the brink of changing from that once or twice a month guy to breaking thorugh to 30 or 45 days to really get control.  I edged today and am pretty upset but I did not take it too far.  It's been about 19 days for me.  keep up the good work.

horpio

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #147 on: December 30, 2014, 07:36:44 PM »
 8) 8) Wishing you a great holiday

lyon03

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #148 on: December 31, 2014, 07:27:26 AM »
HAPPY NEW YEAR RN! Having a BLAST in Jerusalem. In the past 24 hours I have crossed the following off my bucket list:

See wailing wall
Go to Jerusalems only gay bar
Dance with Dutch lesbian couple
Kiss an Israeli

Now I'm off to the old city for more adventures. Tomorrow Dead Sea! For everyone struggling with addiction, take heart. Last New Years I seriously considered suicide. Now porn-free, life couldn't be better. PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.

Poker

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Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
« Reply #149 on: January 01, 2015, 11:09:00 AM »
You are my gay hero....  And you have impacted my life. 

Enjoy yourself...  Happy New Year!

Cheers,

p.