Author Topic: 5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 169140 times)

lyon03

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #675 on: September 12, 2017, 03:55:29 AM »
47 days until 3 years porn free: My pleasure friend and thanks for the shout out. As I've learned, reboot and recovery aren't perfect, nor eternal. I think of my recovery from porn addiction a bit like maintaining a healthy body: it takes daily effort. When I recently found myself back on the YouTube & reality TV diet, it was like eating mental junk food. Yuck. As the screens increased, I found myself getting less sleep, feeling groggy, and so on. It felt like the porn hang overs of yore. So this forum is like my daily workouts while also remaining accountable. Speaking of which, I had a productive work day yesterday which felt good but then ended the evening watching YouTube videos on my phone much too late. This is a yellow zone for me because YouTube videos may lead to "workout" or soft porn vids and then I'll find myself in a relapse which I really don't want. But I didn't watch any junky reality TV which is a good thing. "Progress not perfection" as they say in 12-step programs. Speaking of which, if you are really struggling with porn addiction as I have in the past, you might consider joining www.pornaddictsanonymous.org (also called PAA). If there is an emotional or psychological component to your porn addiction, such as anger, sex addiction, and the like, I found working a 12-step program and attending weekly phone-in meetings very helpful. They also have a forum and message board. I remain a member of PAA although I now attend meetings about once or twice a month. Anyhow, that's all I have to share today my friends. Thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

jjacks

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #676 on: September 12, 2017, 08:25:04 AM »
Lyon03, I have read your story a few times, now. Your candor is a beacon of hope for all of us. You have also talked to every one of us in words we understand. It is up to us to take our personal journeys to the next step. And it is clear that the longer we stick to it, the less burdensome it gets and the healthier we become. You have shown us that. A big hug of thanks.

1000 days, dude, that is awesome! We are all here to cheer you on past that line.

-JJ.

lyon03

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #677 on: September 13, 2017, 07:05:42 AM »
46 days until 3 years porn free: Thanks for the shout out JJ. I'm doing well today. Yesterday I had rugby practice, I stayed off the reality TV, and got a good night's sleep. Now I'm back at my desk and getting back to work. I'll share more tomorrow my friend. In the meantime, please feel free to contact me with your questions about reboot. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

jjacks

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #678 on: September 13, 2017, 07:40:42 AM »
I don’t get this thing with what you call reality TV. From what I have seen (very little), it is about as real as car chase scenes are for teaching how to drive (your excellent metaphor).

Again, from what I have seen channel-flipping, some reality shows portray people suggestively (un)dressed and with sexual innuendo. These are risky business.  Of course, if your reality tv consists of the cooking channel competitions, I suggest you take notes.

lyon03

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #679 on: September 14, 2017, 05:18:30 AM »
45 days (or 1.5 months) until 3 years porn-free. Thanks for posting friend. What do I mean by reality TV? I'm trying to change my life by focusing on things that enrich it. Reality TV is like mental junk food: it does nothing for me, doesn't help me reach any goals, and just shows terrible behaviour. Not unlike porn if I make a mental diet of YouTube videos and reality TV, my brain gets lazy. This is why it's something I have to monitor because I don't want to fall into the trap that spending hours on end in front of a screen is just as bad as spending hours fapping to porn on a screen. So I need to monitor my TV and YouTube habits so as not to fall into the trap of porn subs. I hope I've answered your question. Moving on, I'm feeling good today. A little groggy because I was late to bed but just about to head to the gym (back day today) and then back to work. I'm still porn (and porn sub) free. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. Thanks for reading friends. How are all of you? 

Gracie

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #680 on: September 14, 2017, 05:32:11 AM »
Lyon, so good to see an old friend here talking about success!  I am happy that things are going so well.  There are so many that are here a short time and when the road is bumpy they disappear.  I wish all could know that to beat this, one needs to live externally not internally.  Reaching out live among the living not inside your head.  Talk about happiness, sadness, frustration, anger and confusion with others!  Don't let it bog you down inside your head on the hamster wheel.  There is a reason we live with others whether with a partner or friends or family.  We are meant to share!  We are meant to communicate, we are meant to be happy.  We are not meant to be secretive, we are not meant to lie, we are not meant to hurt others.  We are not meant to use others.

So reach out and live life!  Laugh, have a good time!  And as Freddy Mercury said "find somebody to love"

https://youtu.be/kijpcUv-b8M

TakeActionNow

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #681 on: September 14, 2017, 09:16:10 AM »
Lyon,
Can i suggest reading?
I dont watch much tv these days, preferring instead to listen to podcast, audiobooks or read ebooks.
Its more meaningful, experiencing the lives, thoughts and emotions of others.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

lyon03

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #682 on: September 15, 2017, 03:16:02 AM »
44 days until 3 years porn-free. Thanks for the recommendation friend. Last night I went to bed at a reasonable hour, stayed off the reality TV (one of my porn-subs), and earlier had a very productive work day. I've learned there is a pattern to my addictions (to porn, sex, and masturbation) and also to healing from addictions. It goes something like this:

1. Rock bottom: When I get to a point that addictions are harming me. For example, most men come to this forum because of erectile dysfunction. I knew I needed help because I was depressed and suicidal.

2. Realization: The moment when I understood my porn addiction was causing most of my problems: erectile dysfunction; insomnia; depression; migraines; etc.

3. Getting Help: Joining a forum like this to get help while learning everything I could about porn addiction. The book "Your Brain on Porn" was an invaluable resource in early reboot.

4. Pink Cloud: This is term often used in 12-step programs. Here is a definition I just found: "The term 'pink cloud' refers to a state of mind, usually experienced in early sobriety, characterized by unusual happiness and grandiosity in spite of rather difficult life circumstances." I see my addictions like obesity. Yes I can identify junk food as the cause of my obesity and I might even join an online forum to exchange about weight problems. But it takes ACTION and a lot of sweat to lose the weight.

5. The Long March: This was the daily work it took for me to remain sober. And for me that meant: daily posts here; reading EVERYTHING about porn and addiction; joining a 12-step program for porn addiction; daily exercise; healthy living; weekly 12-step meetings and so on. So while I might have felt a pink cloud (see above) level of happiness in early reboot, this was just the start of my journey. Looking at this forum, I see a lot of members start off strong but then fizzle. I did the same the many times I'd tried to quit watching porn in the past. A burst of optimism but then I'd hit a speedbump and I'd be right back on the porn in some f*cked of way of managing my emotions. What I now understand is that it took me the better part of two decades to complete f*ck up my life. So I'd be naïve to think it would take just 90 days to turn things around. Here I am three years later and still working on myself. Recovery from addiction is a lifelong commitment. It's like staying in shape; it takes daily effort.

So that's where I am today my friends. Still porn-free but when I found myself slipping and falling back into bad habits, I'm glad I came back here to maintain my recovery. Let's call it preventative maintenance. And now off to the gym. Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Strikeatruepath

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #683 on: September 16, 2017, 10:06:04 AM »
Lyon -just dropping by to say 'hello', and thanks for all your posts to me and other people on  here, sharing your experience you have gained in your vast amount of time porn free. Your last one on my journal has really helped me to move on from searching for rubbish on youtube and other "Gateway Porn" as you call it.
-Strike

lyon03

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #684 on: September 16, 2017, 04:28:42 PM »
43 days until 3 years porn-free. Thanks for the shout out friend. I'm checking before bed here in Europe. Great day today: playing soccer with my son; gym; some clothes shopping for my trip home next week; and then dinner/sightseeing with one of my best friends. Life is good porn-free. Be well everyone. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

jjacks

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #685 on: September 17, 2017, 06:06:45 AM »
Interesting parallel. I have been clothes shopping in Canada for my upcoming trip to France.

Chunky1973

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #686 on: September 17, 2017, 06:27:10 AM »
your story sounds exactly like mine. I started about the same age after finding my fathers stash and from then on it just took over my life. Now I've found someone special and want to stop so I can have a " normal" sexlife. I've been porn free and masterbasion free for over a month now but I'm worried that my erections won't come back. Glad I've found this site though as I know I'm not the only one going through this

lyon03

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #687 on: September 17, 2017, 08:37:57 AM »
Thank you for posting friend. I'm assuming you were born in 1973, now age 44. If yes, it should take between 60-90 days of no PMO (no porn, no masturbation, nor orgasms) for your erections to come back. But that time may vary depending on age, health, and the degree of your porn addiction. I look forward to following your journey. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

lyon03

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #688 on: September 18, 2017, 05:22:25 AM »
42 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum! I woke up super motivated today which is a good thing. Worked a bit this morning, then gym, now lunch and then more work. Things are progressing and I'm happy to have come back here to count down to 3 years porn-free. What a journey it's been my friends. Saturday I'll be flying back home to introduce my boyfriend of five years to friends and family...another milestone of sorts. Lest I forget where I came from, in December 2013 I seriously considered suicide as the only solution. Living in the closet, trapped in an unhappy marriage, addicted to porn, sex, and masturbation it's a miracle that I didn't commit suicide. And on that sunny note, I'm going to have lunch. Feel free to post your questions or comments friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

jjacks

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #689 on: September 18, 2017, 06:55:05 AM »
Lyon, it is no miracle that you are here today.  It is the result of your strong will and determination to overcome the bad stuff, to stick to it, and to pick yourself up and keep trying if you didn’t. Living a double life is tortuous to say the least, and causes much pain for the duplicitous one and equally for those around him. We have no other choice.

Thank you for continuing to write your story – we who are on this journey benefit so much from the heroism you have shown.

lyon03

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #690 on: September 18, 2017, 03:41:33 PM »
Thanks brother. But I'm no hero. I'm just a guy who hit rock bottom, made a decision to change my life, and worked like hell to make it happen. The true heroes are the men and women who keep coming back, relapse after relapse, and eventually prevail over this terrible addiction. But I appreciate the shout out nonetheless my friend. Another day porn-free and now I'm off to bed. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

lyon03

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #691 on: September 19, 2017, 08:09:55 AM »
41 days until 3 years porn-free. Good day nation! Today has been a very challenging day, health-wise. Yesterday I did something very cathartic. I cleaned all of the clutter out of my apartment. I've often referred to an emotional reboot like mine, meaning a reboot for someone like me whose emotional issues resulted in my addictions, as similar to cleaning out a cluttered garage. So yesterday I FINALLY hunkered down and organized, threw out, and just b*lls out de-cluttered my life. It felt INCREDIBLE. (On a side note, it's scary just how many f*cking car phone chargers one man can buy in his lifetime. I'm talking like 20 because I could never find the last one I bought as it was lost in the morass.) Now everything is organized: clothes; business documents; personal stuff, the works. It felt great and I had a productive work day yesterday as well. Cut to today, I was up early, did some work, and then went to the gym for a workout (back day today). While working I was feeling a bit off, like a two-beer buzz and I thought it might be the start of a migraine. Now if you read through my posts, while in active dopamine addiction I suffered from paralysing ocular migraines. I believe these were a result of my f*cked up brain chemistry and my last migraine was in January 2015 (you can read about it here: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=2531.msg31282#msg31282). So I'm at the gym and my vision is going all blurry like the onset of one mother of a migraine. But I'm proud of myself for continuing my workout nonetheless. Then the pain starts like a needle going through the back of my left eye. I know myself and my migraines. So the only thing to do in this situation is to put myself to bed in a dark room. I tried but the pain was incredibly intense, then the nausea started (but no barfing), so I was up a few times spitting bile into the toilet. I finally got to sleep, slept for about two hours, got up, and am now posting here.

So what's my point? I'm disappointed because this feels like a step back. I can only describe this like a hangover for an alcoholic but without having touched a drink. My migraines were caused by a mix of f*cked up brain chemistry due to porn addiction and....STRESS. Before I did the addict thing, which is tell myself, "I'm not stressed. I'm perfectly fine." I thought about what happened yesterday that could have stressed me out and BINGO. I knew what it was which is why I want to share it fully here.

On Saturday, I'm flying back home with my long-term boyfriend. This will be the first time he meets my parents, family, and friends. When I was chatting with my mom yesterday, she said something like this, "We can't wait to see you and meet your boyfriend F____. Does he speak English?" That's what set me off and resulted in my migraine today. If you don't know my background story, I was married to a woman for 18 years. I came out to her five years ago, we separated three years ago, and have been divorced for two years. I came out to my family three years ago and they've been incredibly supportive. I have a particularly complicated relationship with my mom. She wanted me to follow a certain career path: I didn't. She wanted me to live nearby: I moved overseas. And (of course) she wanted me to have a wife and kids: I did but blew that all up when I came out. I've spent most of my life rebelling against my mum while desperately seeking her approval. So I'm scared about F___ meeting her because it brings up all of these f*cked up approval/disappointment issues.

Migraines are my body's last sign that I'm in denial. While the migraine I had today was probably about a 4/10, with my previous Hurricane-strength migraine (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=2531.msg31282#msg31282) being a 10/10, I'm getting better at reading the cues which is why I'm sharing all of this here. So I'm scared sh*tless about my homecoming, have now admitted if to myself by posting here, and will probably post about it again.

That's me today my friends. Thanks for reading. Love to all. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   




   

TakeActionNow

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #692 on: September 19, 2017, 09:38:46 AM »
Lyon,

thank you for sharing this with us.

I wish things were much smoother for you, but you know, we cant please everyone.

At the end of the day, it is our life, and we must manage it and be as responsible about it towards ourselves first

you are who you are
there is no need or place for embarrassment or shame just because we are not living up to other people's expectations for us
life is difficult enough already.

May i suggest this:
instead of fearing or avoiding this topic with her, perhaps this is a great opportunity to show extraordinary love for your mom during this visit.
spend some time walking with her, holding her hand, smile hug and kiss her
lavish her with some gifts
keep on forgiving her and let go whenever she may say something not to your liking.

the mind works in strange ways.
our thoughts and intentions have a self fulfilling prophesy because we are actively looking for clues to confirm our bias
So, visualizing an accepting mom may help :)

Take care my friend.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Strikeatruepath

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #693 on: September 19, 2017, 11:36:42 AM »
Hi Lyon I read your account of The Mother Of All Migraines and its causes -fascinating! Great insights.
Sorry to hear you been revisited by one (I hate them they are terribly painful)
It must really help knowing the reasons why.
The meet-the-family thing (or at least the most intense first part of it) will all be over this time next week. Though it  seems that the worst aspect is not the event, but how you feel bout it and that stuff with your mum.
Hope it all goes well for you. Take courage and take no shit!

DV8

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #694 on: September 19, 2017, 08:53:16 PM »
Oh the ‘prodigal son’. That story resonates with your predicament. I find the return to the family stressful and reviling. It’s also an opportunity to flex our muscle of independence and compassion. It can serve as a compass of how well we have mastered our ability to self-regulate. Family knows your buttons and knows when to push them. It’s amazing to hear that you have such a powerful response to real or perceived danger (i.e. the migraine). You have my support on this visit to you family. I believe in you!
“Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don’t be surprised at what inappropriate port you find yourself docked.”

jjacks

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #695 on: September 20, 2017, 05:46:06 AM »
So, you are anxious about this very emotional upcoming reunion and who could blame you for being so? If migraines are your typical nervous reaction to stress in the past, this should not be surprising.

You call this a step back. A step back would be "I really hope that my mother will approve of F". A step forward is "I have found true happiness and love and I want you to share it with me". My own mother never approved of anything, even someone's success - there was always something better to be had. Is that what you are facing? Family approval is nice when you are a kid, but you leave the nest at a point and your happiness is paramount once you reach adulthood. Make that the measure of this meeting.  Whatever happens next week, the Lyon03 that goes home - that comes back here - is the one we all know and respect.

lyon03

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Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
« Reply #696 on: September 20, 2017, 06:22:24 AM »
40 days until 3 years porn-free. Thank you everyone for your kind messages. Your support is always helpful and I'd encourage you to support our fellow members through posting on their threads as well (something I'll do after posting an update here). I'm feeling better today, albeit in a "day-after-the-24-hour-flu-type" way. I think you're right friends, I need to "let go and let God" as they often say in 12-step programs. While the first part of yesterday was sh*tty because of my migraine, the afternoon and evening were pretty epic. Six months ago, I joined a gay rugby team in my area. I did this for several reasons: first, I've always wanted to play rugby and just thought "f*ck it, now or never"; second, I've had a lifelong fear of contact sports and playing rugby has certainly helped me overcome it; third, other than some volleyball in highschool, I've never really played a (contact) team sport; and finally, I wanted to meet gay guys in a healthy, respectful, non-sexual, and sportsman-like environment (meaning not in bars, clubs or saunas). It's been a blast and I gave it my all at last night's practice. We were doing tackling drills which was PERFECT for burning off any negative emotions from yesterday. I also carpooled to the practice with two other players and it was great getting to know them. Why am I sharing all of this? Despite a stress-induced migraine yesterday, I can't forget how far I've come in just a few years. While I stumbled yesterday, I didn't completely fall off the mountain so to speak via relapse, self-harm, denial etc. So I'm back on track today and ready to travel home with my boyfriend Saturday. Yes it scares the sh*t out of me to be 100% out/gay with my family, but it's ultimately all in my head. They've told me time and time again that they're ok with it. I have to believe them and get on with it. Thanks for reading friends. MIGRAINES ARE NOT AN OPTION.

jjacks

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Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #697 on: September 20, 2017, 07:23:14 AM »
Yeah, it's all in the head. All of this.

« Last Edit: September 20, 2017, 07:32:48 AM by jjacks »

lyon03

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Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #698 on: September 21, 2017, 01:43:15 AM »
39 days until 3 years porn-free (and 2 days before I fly home with my BF). Good morning RN! I'm fully recovered from my migraine/flu two days ago, have just done some work, and am now off to the gym (shoulders today). I don't have a lot to share today my friends so this will be a quick post. I've now almost fully organized my apartment and office, although there are some bits and bobs that I still need to tidy, I've done the majority of the work. Cleaning out real clutter also means clearing out mental clutter I reckon and, thanks to your love and support, I've done that this week. I'm glad to have shared about my hesitation to travel back home with my boyfriend. (He'll be meeting my family in about a week's time.) My reboot was mostly about dealing with emotional issues, such as fear and shame, the resulted in my addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation. Just when I thought to myself, "I've got this" WHAM I got a migraine because I denied rather than faced a kind of f*cked up internalized homophobia. So today I'm glad to have this forum and all of you. On the addiction front, I'm all clear. No seeking, gateway porn, masturbation, nor meaningless hook ups, nor any real desire for them which is a good thing. In the deepest depths of my addictions, I couldn't go more than three minutes without a porn hit (I know because I timed it), I'd spend all day on Grindr (a gay hook up app) trolling for sex, and I'd masturbate 1-2x a day. I'm glad I'm no longer that broken man although I'm grateful that overcoming my addictions has brought me a better sense of self and self awareness. But it was hard-earned my friends. I'll end my rambling post there. I wish you all a strong recovery day. Wax on! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   
« Last Edit: September 21, 2017, 01:51:00 AM by lyon03 »

Strikeatruepath

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Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #699 on: September 21, 2017, 04:43:01 AM »
Good to read your 'ramble' -all valid and useful stuff.
39 days to go til the 3 year mark! Counting with you Lyon.