Author Topic: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 194223 times)

TakeActionNow

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 895
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #700 on: September 21, 2017, 05:19:36 AM »
Lyon,

you are 100% human, imperfect and beautiful, flawed yet complete, as we all are and should be.

I admire you greatly for accepting who you are and facing all your fears however difficult and painful they may be.

Go strong and keep living your life fully my friend !

Have no fear, it is just another day !
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

lyon03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1364
  • Personal Text
    LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #701 on: September 21, 2017, 11:49:44 AM »
Thanks for the shouts out my friend. There is no "perfect" reboot. Nor is there complete freedom from addictions. Through trial and error, I've learned that my addictions were simply the tip of the iceberg...9/10ths of my emotional problems remained under water. So yes I am, will always be, and forever remain an addict with a highly addictive personality. HOWEVER what I've learned through reboot is that I can only manage my emotions and impulses when I let them wash over me. Allow me to explain. I turn to my addictions (to porn, sex, and masturbation) when I try to dam my feelings through denial. Now when people ask me how I'm doing, I don't just knee-jerk say, "I'm FINE." I'll say something more direct such as "I'm f*cking fine." One of the many things I admire about my boyfriend is his b*lls out honesty about how he feels...about anything. Two days ago was a very good example. One of his apartment's drainage pipes was humming because something was blocking it. This noise was f*cking maddening and it woke us up several times during the night and again in the morning. When my BF hasn't slept he's a real ogre. So not surprisingly, he said "I'm tired and angry" when we were having breakfast together and he was rather short with me. Then it struck me: I was doing EVERYTHING possible to cheer him up...and it wasn't helping at all. In fact, I was just pissing him off even more. Then it hit me. Why am I trying to change the way he feels? Why am I always trying to change the way I feel? That's the root of my addictions. I'm constantly looking outside of myself to find peace when true, durable, long-term recovery has to come from WITHIN. End of rant! Thanks for reminding me of that TAN. Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

jjacks

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 243
  • Personal Text
    Rebooting October 25
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #702 on: September 21, 2017, 12:13:30 PM »
So true, lyon, the porn addiction is likely not a cause but a symptom of something else, more deep-rooted. Unfortunately, addictions take over and dominate.

In my own case, I have come to realize it has to do with growing up in a home devoid of demonstrated feelings or love, something I have gotten over with the help of a loving wife. Unfortunately, a lifetime of withholding feelings left me without loving friends, without the ability to show loving friendship, and when the porn thing came along, it screwed with my brain. So, quitting porn alone was only one step. I had already been doing a lot of soul-searching (which led to the porn, by the way) and am now on top of it. Quitting porn addiction was the "cherry on the sundae".

lyon03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1364
  • Personal Text
    LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #703 on: September 22, 2017, 06:43:55 AM »
38 days until 3 years porn-free (and 1 day before I fly home with my BF). Thank you everyone for your messages and encouragement. I'm still porn, masturbation, and sex addiction free. This will be a quick post today my friends as I don't have a lot of time. The week started off poorly with a stress-induced migraine, then last night I was really sick (and I rarely get sick), but today I'm feeling better - both mentally and physically. Tomorrow I fly back home with my boyfriend and I'm feeling more relaxed about it. If you're just reading this post, I was married to a woman, came out to my family three years ago, divorced two years ago, and am now traveling home to introduce my boyfriend to the family. I didn't think I was stressed out until I got a migraine Monday which threw me a bit because while in active porn addiction, I constantly suffered from migraines. So while I thought all was ok Monday with regards to this trip home, clearly I was stressed which resulted in a low-grade migraine. Got it? Cut to today and I'm still feeling stressed but am no longer in denial. And denial about  my sexuality, happiness, needs etc. was one of the root causes of my addictions. I'll end my rambles there. I'll probably be back in touch in about 2-3 days my friends. Have a good weekend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   

jjacks

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 243
  • Personal Text
    Rebooting October 25
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #704 on: September 22, 2017, 06:58:27 AM »
All the best to you in the coming days.

MonkeyShark

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 34
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #705 on: September 22, 2017, 12:24:07 PM »
thanks for sharing where you are. Good luck with going home to see family. I look forward to an update about your weekend and how you were able to manage stress while you were back home.

TakeActionNow

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 895
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #706 on: September 22, 2017, 08:40:29 PM »
Lyon,

you've given and helped more than most people ever will on this forum, and I believe elsewhere in your life too.
Go forth with no shame or doubt!
You are worth so much more than anyone who dares think less of you.

You are much loved, respected and appreciated !
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

lyon03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1364
  • Personal Text
    LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #707 on: September 25, 2017, 10:27:32 AM »
35 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum! I'm back in my native Canada with the boyfriend and we're enjoying an unusual September heatwave. (Canadians are the only fans of global warming.) Last week around this time, I was suffering from a stress-related migraine and thankfully the only headache I've had in the past 48 hours was due to a late night bender with my best friend from college...incidentally also a member of the fabulous pink mafia (aka he's gay too). We'll be home for my boyfriend to meet my parents Wednesday so fingers crossed. No signs of addictive behaviours, nor porn seeking as I slowly close in on three f*cking years porn free...incredible! Thanks for reading friends and I hope to check in again soon. Love Lyon.

jjacks

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 243
  • Personal Text
    Rebooting October 25
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #708 on: September 25, 2017, 06:47:20 PM »
Glad you're feeling well, fellow Canadian (eh). Enjoy the heat. The true north weather returns on Thursday.

MonkeyShark

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 34
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #709 on: September 27, 2017, 09:00:18 PM »
Hi Lyon,

It's Wednesday and I've found myself wondering how things with your family are going. I know there probably isn't a lot of time for an update, but I'll just let you know someone out here is thinking good thoughts for you and hoping you are migraine free!

MonkeyShark :)

lyon03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1364
  • Personal Text
    LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #710 on: September 30, 2017, 04:57:18 PM »
29 days until 3 years porn-free: Good day forum! It's been a while between posts so I thought I'd check in. First and foremost, I'm happy to report that I'm PMO-free (porn, masturbation, orgasm). So I hope to make it to three years porn-free at the end of October. If you haven't read my thread, I traveled back to my native Canada with my boyfriend of five years so he could meet my family. I didn't think I was stressed about it but was clearly in denial as I got a low-grade migraine about ten days ago. Denial was/is a huge part of my addictions. So I was frustrated with myself for neglecting my feelings, in this case apprehension about bringing a boyfriend home, to a point that my body reacted. But live and learn. We landed in Canada last Saturday and had a fantastic time together before meeting up with my family Wednesday night. They loved my boyfriend and he clearly loved them so everything went better than expected. As my aunt said to me at a cocktail party last night, "One less thing to worry about." How true. Now I'm spending a few days with my parents before flying home to Europe Wednesday. Life is good my friends. So what's my point? Roughly four years ago I was closeted, married, angry, addicted (to porn, masturbation, and sex), and thought suicide was my only way out. Had I not stopped watching porn I would have killed myself, either via suicide or perhaps via a head-on collision while sexting on Grindr (a gay hook up application). One of the most amazing benefits of reboot/recovery is being 100% myself and I find this gives people the emotional space to be themselves as well. Case in point, during the cocktail party at my parents place last night, no fewer than three different people felt comfortable enough with me to share secrets they'd been holding most of their lives. This happens to me a lot these days and it often goes something like this: I share something very personal about myself and in return people just spontaneously share their innermost thoughts with me. While in active porn addiction, I know gave off a creepy porn vibe that put people off. It was the emotional equivalent of a chainsmoker reeking of cigarettes. These days, I'm putting out something that actually draws people to me and I have to admit that I really like it. So that's where I am today my friends. I've just dropped my boyfriend off at the airport and will now have a quiet evening with my parents. Life is good. Thanks for reading friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

TakeActionNow

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 895
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #711 on: September 30, 2017, 05:14:27 PM »
Lyon,

I'm really happy for you.
Things almost are never as bad as we make them out to be.
I personally think the best thing to come out from this or any addiction recovery is connecting with ourselves emotionally and rewiring our psychology and the way we perceive the world to be less hard on ourselves and be more open to abundance and happiness.
We keep seeing bad when we're PMOing because we don't feel good about ourselves and we weren't properly crediting our successes. Now that we've detached from this awful addiction, we're better able at accepting our real wants and self, being more honest, and so naturally we learn to see the world with happier and more optimistic eyes.
So happy your reunion turned out so well.
So happy that you discovered its not about living up to expectations, but realizing that everyone loves you and only wants you to live well and happily.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

lyon03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1364
  • Personal Text
    LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #712 on: October 01, 2017, 08:44:51 AM »
29 days until 3 years porn-free: Happy Sunday forum. Thanks for your support friends. I'm just off to the gym. All clear on the addiction front. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

lyon03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1364
  • Personal Text
    LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #713 on: October 02, 2017, 07:52:39 AM »
28 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum. I'm just methodically counting down to October 29th which will mark three years porn-free for me. I thought it would be interesting to look back at who I was in the depths of my porn addiction. Here is what I wrote after going 90 days porn-free. In the depths of my addiction, I was:

- Porn, masturbation, sex addict
- Depressed
- Suicidal
- Severe erectile dysfunction and drippy ejaculations
- Insomnia
- Broken marriage
- Unhappy children
- Pathological liar
- Completely unable to work (my attention span was 3 minutes)
- Addicted to fleshy reality TV
- Addicted to video games
- Suffered from paralysing migraines
- Complete *sshole: angry, full of resent
- Isolated and alone, very anti-social

What I failed to mention is that my screen and sex habits would have likely killed me. For example:

- I'd hook up with guys almost every day via Grindr (a gay sex app)
- I'd be texting on Grindr...while driving!

Last night my aunt had Sunday dinner for my whole family. I live in Europe so I don't get to attend many of these family gatherings. The weather was perfect, the food abundant, and I was feeling the love. It was heaven. If you're reading this and are estranged from your loved ones because of addiction(s), don't run and hide like I did for decades. Don't manufacture resent nor make up petty grievances while stewing in resentment. Thank God I learned before I died that there is no greater nor healthier high than being around the people we love. Porn is simply a toxic substitute for love. It's like trying to get happy while injecting heroin. Porn is a kind of visual heroin for the brain.

Last night at my aunt's house EVERYONE told me that I look better, healthier, and happier than I ever have. One of the things I most enjoy about reboot/recovery is being 100% myself with friends and family. I find this often gives them the  emotional space and confidence to be 100% themselves with me. That's a really good feeling.

In January I'll turn 46 but it's just a number. Now porn-free, getting older doesn't really phase me. I am so happy that I've learned to live porn-free and am slowly learning to be my authentic self. As you can read from my thread, this has been a slow and tortuous road. Had I continued to drown in my addictions to porn, masturbation, and sex for another three years, I'd probably be dead rather than posting here. Life is truly a gift my friends and life is too short to spend all of my time fapping in front of a computer screen. So today I'm very grateful for RN, my recovery/sobriety, and all of you. Thanks for reading my rambles friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

jjacks

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 243
  • Personal Text
    Rebooting October 25
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #714 on: October 02, 2017, 09:59:42 AM »
Lyon, you are definitely the poster boy for this program.  Any one of those items is a recipe for disaster; together, well, no one can imagine what you saw in the mirror in the morning. That you overcame it all is a testament to your strong will and determination. Your well-documented story (rambles as you call them) shows how the human spirit is strong and how it is possible to succeed if we muster up the strength to overcome these things.

And a special thanks for the support you have shown us all.
 

Strikeatruepath

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 116
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #715 on: October 03, 2017, 05:43:50 AM »
Lyon, that is so good to hear! Truly inspiring -you have created a healthy life full warmth and closeness with the people you love. And I agree with all that jjacks just said before me.
Looking forward to reading more of your "ramblings"

lyon03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1364
  • Personal Text
    LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #716 on: October 03, 2017, 08:57:37 AM »
27 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning nation! This is a quick check in before the gym. I'm doing well: no seeking; gateway porn; nor addictive behaviours (sex, porn, masturbation). Is this what recovery/sobriety feels like? I don't have anything life-changing to share today. Just a 'feelin fine' kind of post. How are all of you? PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

jjacks

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 243
  • Personal Text
    Rebooting October 25
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #717 on: October 03, 2017, 09:00:22 AM »
feelin' fine

Patrick

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 331
  • Personal Text
    PORN HAS TO GO NOW!
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #718 on: October 03, 2017, 11:10:27 AM »
Hi Lyon, I'm rooting for you! So glad you are on such a long-time streak. Feelin groovy. Feelin fine. Have a safe trip home!


lyon03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1364
  • Personal Text
    LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #719 on: October 04, 2017, 09:53:36 AM »
26 days until 3 years porn-free: Thanks for the shouts out friends. Today I fly home to Europe after a 10-day stay in my native Canada. It's been a wonderful holiday although I'm looking forward to heading home, sleeping in my own bed, and (of course) seeing my boyfriend again. I was recently in a gay bar and saw some real-world effects of how porn has changed gay culture and perhaps society at large. There was this absolutely stunning guy walking around the bar and he couldn't get anyone's attention. He had model good looks, a fantastic body, but nobody was talking to him. They were all watching the porn videos playing over the bar. NO ONE WAS TALKING. The porn was playing over the bar like a baseball game would have played at a sports bar. When I saw it was porn, at first I turned my back to it, then I went to another part of the bar without screens, and finally left the bar because all the guys were mesmerized by it. The brief glimpse I saw didn't trigger me and I don't feel there was much sexual stimulation...this is a good thing. Anyhow this poor (hot) guy was walking around clearly looking to engage with someone, anyone, but no one gave him a second look because they were hypnotized by the porn vids. What a sad example of how screens have changed even how we interact in gay bars. So I'm looking forward to some real-world interaction with my boyfriend when I get home! That's all I have to share today my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

jjacks

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 243
  • Personal Text
    Rebooting October 25
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #720 on: October 04, 2017, 10:24:24 AM »
That's a rather sad commentary on where our society is headed.  "Virtual masturbation"? Ouch.

Safe travels, Lyon.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2017, 10:27:49 AM by jjacks »

lyon03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1364
  • Personal Text
    LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #721 on: October 05, 2017, 03:40:37 PM »
25 days until 3 years porn-free: Good day forum. I'm back home in Europe and, well, it kinda sucks. I remember when I'd come home from business trips and the kids would be crawling all over me. Now I came home to an empty apartment with stack of mail/bills. I remember coming home from a month-long summer trip years ago and my son, then around 8 years old, sprinted to see me and jumped into my arms. I miss my kids and prefer to share it here rather than start acting out because of loneliness. But I still remain porn-free. I'm off to bed my friends. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

TrueMe

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 74
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #722 on: October 06, 2017, 04:03:56 AM »
Hi Lyon, thanks for creating such a helpful template of what recovery can look like. Sorry your kids weren't there to welcome you home but appreciate you sharing the not so good as well as the good parts of recovery - that loneliness sucks... but is manageable without turning to porn to cope with it. All the best, TrueMe

jjacks

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 243
  • Personal Text
    Rebooting October 25
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #723 on: October 06, 2017, 05:19:09 AM »
Hey, Lyon,
You said:
Quote
I [...] prefer to share it here rather than start acting out because of loneliness

a strong message .. fighting addiction is a long-term battle, and this forum is the long-term go-to place to beat it.

Thanks for sharing.
« Last Edit: October 06, 2017, 05:21:32 AM by jjacks »

lyon03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1364
  • Personal Text
    LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY
    • View Profile
Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
« Reply #724 on: October 07, 2017, 04:16:17 AM »
23 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum! Just a quick check in on a beautiful Saturday morning. I'm still porn-free and feeling much better after my mini breakdown two days ago following my return to Europe. I hope you are all doing well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.