Author Topic: 6 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 198437 times)

horpio

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Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
« Reply #25 on: November 30, 2014, 05:16:00 PM »
Thanks for sharing your story. It's inspirational. Wishing you all the best on your journey.

lyon03

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PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #26 on: December 01, 2014, 02:34:27 AM »
Thanks brother. Day 33: I spent the first 30 days of no PMO dealing with withdrawal, my sh*tty life, "poor me" syndrome, and (to top it all off) noodle d*ck. I can confirm that older guys like me (42 years old) recover faster than a younger generation because our sexual pathways developed more naturally with real boobies rather than porn. So I now have functioning wood, a healthy body, and a lot of anger. Reading these posts reminded me of the self-confident beast of a man I used to be. Porn reduced me to a navel-gazing p*ssy of biblical proportions. Not any more brothers! Last month I beat addiction, this month I crush the 13-year-old girl I had become due to an inability to stop yanking my junk in front of a computer screen. I am going to work harder, make more money, build more muscle, love more deeply, and live healthier than I have in the past decade of addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!

Poker

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #27 on: December 01, 2014, 10:39:39 AM »

There is NO reason big enough to make sense of YOU not succeeding.


Accountable

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #28 on: December 01, 2014, 11:24:23 AM »
Great read thanks for sharing!  Good luck with your continued success!

lyon03

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #29 on: December 01, 2014, 03:44:15 PM »
Off to bed my brothers of recovery. No more TV for me, just quiet reading and spontaneous (yet untouched) boners. This is the first time in a long time I go to bed a happy man. Today I worked hard; earned money; and was a good father. It doesn't get better than that. I now understand addiction robs us of the most valuable thing: our self worth. While I envy the members who have hundreds of days PMO free, I know I'll get there. Slow and steady. To all of those suffering because of this sh*tty addiction, I'm thinking of you and thank you for your support. Goodnight! 

chiefmitch88

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #30 on: December 01, 2014, 04:40:13 PM »
I can really relate to your difficulty with your marriage Lyon. I'm not sure about your case, obviously your sexual orientation played a significant part. But in my case my addiction and her codependency became demons that fed off each other. I am still maintaining hope for our relationship but my lack of faith in our mutual self-improvement has me more concerned than the task of quitting PMO most days.

Anyway, just wanted to reach out and congratulate you for your progress in the face of adversity. Way to go on 33 days! Also, I greatly appreciate your ability to laugh at the awkward moments that life throws our way. Keep laughing my friend.


horpio

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #31 on: December 01, 2014, 05:27:11 PM »
Hi Lyon
This is the first time in a long time I go to bed a happy man... I now understand addiction robs us of the most valuable thing: our self worth.
Truth spoken. Becoming a better man through your efforts. Glad to hear that true happiness is returning to your life. You've been through a lot.

lyon03

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #32 on: December 02, 2014, 06:10:47 AM »
Day 34: Thanks Chiefmitch and Horpio...it sounds like I'm congratulating superheroes in some action movie. Your posts meant a lot. Ahhh relationships and recovery, ying and yang. ChiefM I now believe there are two kinds of relationships: happy and sad. Stay with the happy, run like hell from the sad.

Happy relationships aren't always easy, but on the whole they make you feel good about yourself. Stick with these relationships. Unfortunately, most porn addicts create sad relationships. We hate ourselves so we attract people who either reinforce these negative feelings. Here is an easy test: when you start to recover, does someone try to bring you back down again? If yes, run. 

While I'm talking a big game now, for years I surrounded myself with people who fed off of my negativity and failures. So I chose to end these relationships. Addicts get too comfortable with guilt and shame. I rarely finished a PMO session and screamed, "Goddamn that was amazing! I am THE MAN!" No I felt like sh*t, had to clean up my jizz, pull up my pants, turn off some obscene video, etc. We've all been there. I eventually got comfortable being a loser. My ex-wife has always been unhappy. She enjoyed when I was unhappy. She does not enjoy the strong/happy me. So goodbye b*tch.

I've always envied those people on this website who just decided, "the porn stops now". That's why I called my thread 'porn is not an option'. This overwhelming sense of confidence is thrilling. Chiefmitch if you're getting nothing from your relationship, have worked hard to improve things, are seeing no results, and now realize you will never get anything from your relationship, get the f*ck out. You cut out the porn, now rip the sad/negative people from your life. This may include your partner/spouse. Difficult: yes; life-threatening: hell no. 

Just an update: had a great workout; body is coming along nicely; and confidence (but not arrogance) returning. Business is also good. Imagine that! Sales increase when you're not spending 8 hours a day surfing porn. I feel like a man again. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. Thanks for reading and look forward to my journey to 365 days. 
« Last Edit: December 03, 2014, 04:00:54 AM by lyon03 »

Poker

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #33 on: December 02, 2014, 09:47:32 PM »
That's a lot of progress in 34 days my friend.  :)

Jaystock

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #34 on: December 02, 2014, 09:55:44 PM »
Your doing  awesome lyon. Keep up the good fight.
 

lyon03

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #35 on: December 03, 2014, 12:37:36 AM »
Day 35: Thanks boys! It seems like in the initial stages of recovery, I battled 'the beast' of addiction. Last night I had some slight tremors but withdrawal has all but stopped. The weakest part of the day for me is just when I start drifting off to sleep. This is when the dirty images, porn flashes, and shakes come. But it doesn't last very long and I generally sleep very soundly. My toughest night was around day 20 when I woke up with a raging hardon, hot flashes, and an unbelievable urge to masturbate. It was just two weeks ago but feels like a lifetime.

Now I'm moving into the more philosophical stage of recovery. This is the hardest part because you have to deal with the daily stresses of life without our drug of choice: porn. I've been reading a lot about relationships in other threads and I'm both moved and angered by what I read. There are two camps: men who are working through guilt to patch things up in their relationships; and men who still blame/objectify their wives in some f*cked up attempt to avoid taking responsibility for their PMO habit. I found strength in fully accepting this habit was 100% my fault, that I screwed up my relationship because I was a married closet homosexual, and sought to make amends with those I had hurt. In the depths of addiction, and make no mistake PMO is an addiction, I tried to justify my actions and blame my wife. Yes she's an unhappy person, but I spent years feeding that unhappiness. Yes we're divorcing but that doesn't mean I don't still have feelings for her. What's changed is I've recognized I attracted the wrong person; someone who was addicted to the weaker me. And almost everyone in my life reinforced feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation. On October 30 I said, ENOUGH!!! Just as I cut porn out of my life, I removed the many leeches I'd let suck the life out of me.

Porn was just the battle, life is the war. I'm getting back in touch with the warrior I once was and it feels f*cking amazing. I now jump out of bed, work harder, and just feel more positive in my life. There will of course be challenges, but I'll face them without feeling the need to go pants down in front of some trannie video. 




   

lyon03

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #36 on: December 03, 2014, 03:46:44 PM »
Day 35 (cont'd): Had a mixed day today. Good start workwise, great workout (got eye-f*cked by both men and women), and spent some quality time with my kids. I was fat/flabby 2-3 years ago and then started working out. But since starting no-PMO, I've been exercising like my life depended on it and the results are impressive (more testosterone?). I have to admit I love when guys half my age (I'm 42) check me out or ask for advice/spots. Rather than be an *sshole like some bigger guys at the gym, no-PMO I'm genuinely nicer and more sociable with people, even outside of the gym. It also helps that I put the phone/earbuds away and interact with others rather than work out like I'm surfing porn with weights. It's a welcome change.

Later work/motivation fizzled, although sales/business is strong. Perhaps the day fizzled because we decided to buy/decorate the Xmas tree. Kids don't have school Wednesday afternoons where we live in Europe.  Still remain on good terms with my ex-wife, although I tend to zone out now when she unleashes her arsenal of tears, guilt, shame (or 'TGS' as I call it). Today our daughter was feeling a bit blue as this will be our last family 'together' as our divorce will likely be finalized next spring. The ex was going on about this and I cut her off, "I refuse to see [our daughter] as a victim. She'll make it through this if we give her the tools to cope." That ended the conversation rather handily. It was another day of no PMO although I'm finding myself rather horny these days. Will be spending the whole weekend with my BF, which led me to some less than pure thoughts and a strong urge to rub one out. But resisted so I'm still a no-fap warrior!

So it'll just be me, my untouched boner, and a good book tonight before bed. I've also given up TV (just low-grade porn these days anyway) and I find that has done wonders for both my intellect and sleep. Thanks to all for your encouragement.  I wish everyone a healthy and no-PMO rest of the day. I'd also like to send a shout out to all of the guys fighting this terrible addiction. Although I try to keep a positive and fun outlook, I know the depths of this addiction and am thinking of you all. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Last Edit: December 03, 2014, 04:20:37 PM by lyon03 »

lyon03

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #37 on: December 04, 2014, 12:51:59 AM »
Day 36: I'm 10% of the way to my goal of one year without PMO! I am both motivated and scared by this lofty target. Will I make it? Do I have what it takes? I'm worried about letting my guard down and finding myself robotically searching porn websites. I've quit in the past, sometimes for weeks/months, but always found myself back in front of the computer, pants-down, rubbing one out in at the office. Best to focus on daily victories rather than defeats I guess. In other news, my ex and kids will be moving late December which would probably leave me sad and alone for New Years. (They'll be moving to my ex-wife's hometown about 12 kms / 8 miles away.) I've always found New Years Eve a bit of a disappointment so I decided to take action. I live in Europe and looked for a cool (yet inexpensive) destination and chose Israel. "Why the f*ck not?" I thought to myself. I haven't traveled on my own in almost 24 years so this will be a bit of an adventure. I land in Tel Aviv, then Jerusalem for New Years, then down to the Red Sea for kitesurfing and scuba diving. I'm SOOOOOO looking forward to it. After years of tolerating my sh*tty marriage and managing the kids on holidays, I can now do whatever I want. This both scares and thrills me. Have a great and porn free day everyone. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 

Beachy

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #38 on: December 04, 2014, 12:57:30 AM »
That's great Lyon. Life is an adventure after all so go for it. Stay strong.

lyon03

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #39 on: December 04, 2014, 04:28:50 PM »
Day 36 (cont'd). Tired. Off to bed. Today was a bit of a white knuckle situation to reach my work goals. In addition to no PMO, I'm working very hard to muscle up my work/concentration skills. I'm ohhh so close to my goal of a regular 8 hours of uninterrupted work (I time it with a stopwatch). PMO is more than just soul-destroying, it also makes your brain lazy/flabby. I had the muscles but now needed to exercise my mind which had grown accustomed to a steady diet of porn and reality TV. While it pains me to write this, 'The Real Housewives' series was one of my favourites. 

Once my withdrawal symptoms stopped, I needed to relearn how to work because my dopamine-addicted brain had zero concentration. Don't believe me? Read on. Given how I attacked my porn addiction (learning facts rather than fiction) I devised a plan. I set a goal, 8 hours/day of work, and gamely timed my attention span. Cut to day 1. My attention span was....a f*cking pathetic 3 mins. Because of my years of click-click-jack-cum at the office, I had the attention span of a duck. Well quack quack motherf*cker. Now 10 days later, I just clocked a solid 6 hours of continuous work with my record being 2 hours of non-stop work. So I've gone from 3 mins of concentration to 120 mins (a 3900% increase). Duck you porn!

So I'm working my muscles at the gym and more importantly working my mind. No more porn and no more reality TV. If I have downtime, I read a book.

As for porn. It's over. I'm done with it. While only on day 36, I know PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. I feel reborn. While I remember the person I was, I'll never go back to being that whiny little b*tch. I was wasting my life and the lives of those close to me by jacking to a screen. I was no longer a father. I was a porn junkie with kids, no better than a toothless meth-head. Now I can look myself in the mirror. In fact, I saw myself at the gym today and was like, "DAMN! That's a tight body."

All kidding aside, life is so much better without the porn I can't believe it. For everyone suffering during reboot, there is hope. If a 42-year old gay (yet closeted) lifetime porn addict who lives overseas and is divorcing (take that Oprah!) like me can turn body and mind around, you young 'uns can do it too. Stay strong everyone and thanks for reading. 
« Last Edit: December 04, 2014, 04:39:02 PM by lyon03 »

Rex

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #40 on: December 04, 2014, 06:15:44 PM »
lyon03,

You are so right about the brain fog.  I am 6 days PMO free and the usual brain fog is gone.  I am finding my thoughts are sharp and I am multitasking and getting things done faster and more efficiently compared to just a few days ago.  The times when I would go on a PMO marathon usually after I would go cold turkey for a couple of days, I would be like a zombie staring into space most of the day.  I couldn't get anything done my brain was so numb.

Good job keeping yourself busy going to the gym and staying away from the TV shows and movies.  I can't tell you how many times I would see a good looking woman in a TV show or movie nude or scantly dressed, and those images would pop into my head later that evening or the next day pushing me to fall into PMO. 



And congrats on getting to day 36 free from PMO.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2014, 06:21:34 PM by Rex »
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2heal

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #41 on: December 04, 2014, 07:17:04 PM »
This is such an inspirational and motivating journal.  Thanks for sharing.  You've convinced me I need to work harder in the gym (and otherwise) - diverting my attention from porn and MO to something constructive.  I've been through so much of what you have described, it's almost uncanny.


Jaystock

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #42 on: December 05, 2014, 12:03:34 AM »
Everything  you talk about lyon is me. I really  like the part about concentration. I've noticed  a huge change in mine. I can listen to people,  and understand them. It's almost  like I can hear better
 I know that sounds odd.  My life is so much better  I'd love to have some sex, or rub one out. I'm not going to
 I think that wouldn't  be good for me

lyon03

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #43 on: December 05, 2014, 02:40:11 AM »
Day 37: Good morning and thank you for your kind posts. I find the encouragement very helpful. Today will be another nail in the coffin of my PMO habit. The addiction is dead, embalmed, and soon to be buried FOREVER. I like myself and my life too much without PMO to go back. And even if I relapse, I now have the tools and lifestyle to keep porn out of my life long-term.

Today is going to be a GREAT day. As I've written before, I'm battling to win back my concentration. Just 10 days ago my attention span was a paltry 3 mins. I've since built that up to 2 hours at a shot. Today I'm going to go the full 8 hours of solid work. That's not just 8 hours of being at the office, that's 8 hours of non-stop (and timed) work. I'll check in later today with my victory message. Then it's off to spend the weekend with my BF and work off all of this sexual energy I've been building up for the past week.

It feels very good to be alive.

lyon03

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #44 on: December 06, 2014, 06:46:57 AM »
Day 38: quick post as I'm spending the weekend with my BF. All clean/sober here. Will post more Monday PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

johngalt75321

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #45 on: December 06, 2014, 07:37:16 PM »
Hi Lyon,

Hope the weekend is going well with the BF! Read through your journal. Man, you have had to deal with a lot between the wife, kids, and in-laws! It's amazing that you had the discipline to keep beating this addiction while coming out and going through a divorce. One of the big reasons I failed in my last attempt was the stress of finishing my dissertation. But this has to be nothing to coming out and the divorce. I've found your post really inspiring!

Poker

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #46 on: December 06, 2014, 09:57:23 PM »
Have a good weekend friend....  you deserve it.

Cheers,

p.

lyon03

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #47 on: December 07, 2014, 07:49:59 AM »
Day 39: All clear/sober here. Wishing you the same. Thanks for your kind posts. Will post more Monday. Love to all.

lyon03

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #48 on: December 07, 2014, 04:20:10 PM »
Day 39 (cont'd): Back at home and on the computer so I wanted to post an update. WARNING: I am gay and this post refers to gay sex. If that's a problem, please take your fist and hit yourself in the face until you understand that me liking men is not a choice, nor proof of moral bankruptcy, and won't turn you, nor anyone you care about, gay. 

Still PMO free and very proud to be a no-fap warrior! Had an AMAZING weekend with the BF and his great group of friends. (He lives about an hour away from me in the nearest city.) My work goals got shot to sh*t Friday as I was able to leave early for the weekend. After years of PMO, my concentration is sh*t and I'm slowly retraining my brain to work. For others who have gone through this, it's not easy. I am still confident I'll meet my goal of 8 continuous hours of work/day (that's timed, not wanking at my desk) this coming week and will keep you posted.

Getting back to the weekend, I'm working very hard to be more generous, a better listener, and generally not a PMO b*tch. I feel I'm getting there and this weekend was fantastic on so many levels. My BF had a friend staying in his guestroom and the walls are so thin we never had sex. In the past, this would have made me as pouty as a wronged boozy girlfriend at prom. But this time, NO PROBLEM. It was actually fun being intimate through just kiss and touch. PMO trained my brain for instant gratification. Years of porn robbed me of the self-control required to manage things like stress and sexual urges. It also took away my wood. Well not any more! The other result of PMO and sexual abstinence is healthy sexuality and rock-hard boners. Near the depths of my PMO addiction, I had zero erections. My brain was so addicted to dopamine's seeking/arousal (read up on it!) that erections/orgasms became secondary. As such, my body wouldn't even react to porn. Well just 39 days PMO-free, I get rock hard through such wonderful senses as touch and smell. I feel like I have the d*ck sensitivity of a 14-year old. The downside of a teen-like heavy petting session was such painful blueballs I actually walked with a pronounced limp for 30 mins. Anyhow, we'll see each other again Wednesday which will be a welcome relief.

While important, there is much more to life than just sex. This weekend was the first time in years that I listened to people, shared openly and honestly, and was genuinely being myself. Smokers often say that when they quit smoking, their taste buds light up. They forget how delicious food can be without the cigarettes. I think porn is like that with your emotions. Until I stopped using porn, I had forgotten how rich and delicious life can be.

Thanks for reading. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!!!

   

« Last Edit: December 07, 2014, 04:26:35 PM by lyon03 »

nobother

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Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
« Reply #49 on: December 07, 2014, 05:02:58 PM »
 PMO trained my brain for instant gratification. Years of porn robbed me of the self-control required to manage things like stress and sexual urges. It also took away my wood. Well not any more! The other result of PMO and sexual abstinence is healthy sexuality and rock-hard boners. Near the depths of my PMO addiction, I had zero erections. My brain was so addicted to dopamine's seeking/arousal (read up on it!) that erections/orgasms became secondary.

Well put.  Gay or straight porn robs us.  We are here to take it back and not repeat the behaviors that started this crap.

Congrats on your recovery.  You sign off with "Stay strong.  PORN IS NOT AN OPTION"  Well, I say Amen to that.