Author Topic: Building the new me..  (Read 423 times)

SeekingNewLife

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Building the new me..
« on: May 05, 2020, 10:59:52 AM »
SHORT VERSION

Hi fellows rebooters!! I’m 42 years young and I’m here to get rid of PMO, erectile dysfunction, anxiety, depression, lack of concentration and motivation and apathy. Today, (well actually yesterday) i'm celebrating 7 months no PMO!!!

Here's my story short: Started MO very early since childhood to particular fantasies. As soon as decent internet arrived (already with 56k) i've ben PMO with my fantasies and getting forever hooked to that. Spent my whole life doing PMO like this only with more and more speed and material coming in.
I had only one long and stable lovestory but never had satisfying sex, both for not very good "chemical" connection between us and my peculiar limits and last but not least for my bad habit of PMO sucking all my sexual energies not having more for couple sex life.
After many attemps now i'm on my longest streak EVER a crazy 7 months never ever masturbating apart only for two times: one when i've been tempted to run my hand across my friend for 15 seconds, discovering also that at only 15% erection i was almost coming..
Second: when i accidentaly came across my fantasies on instagram pictures and i also run my hand on my friend for 15 seconds also having very initial erection but very close to orgasm.
Then of coure i've had multiple dreams, fantasies recurrings and only a couple of wetdreams and recently morning wood almost every day..

Also..since about a couple of month there's a girl from my city that i've in facebook, but that due to this lockdown i cannot still visit, and she would very much me have sex with me. Now, she send me nude pics, and i tried to explain that i'm waiting for the real person, not for the pics..but still, considering my strange fastasy (which you'll read below..) i'm pretty happy to have a much fantasies about here, nothing strange, perfectly normal and making love with her.
Only problem is, i think somehow this is helping my rewiring, but at the same time i think i need more time for the system..or am i wrong?

What do you think?

Oh VERY IMPORTANT!! Back in December i was able to DELETE my old archive of videos, where many of them i actually bought and some i was brining with me since 15 or more years!!!

I'm holding on this positiong, as i feel my system is kind of recharghing its batteries after a whole lifetime wasting them..
But it's becoming more and more difficult in this period as i'm starting to feel the need to let this go and just enjoy, going back to what i know and makes me feel good. I DON'T want that, but this period some deep emotions and my sexual energies waking up is pushing quite a lot.

Now guys, this was the short version, down here you'll find the long version with many details of my life, very personal things that i'm honored giving you and i hope you'll take them in with opennes and respect.


LONG AND FULL VERSION
So, this will be my journal!!

I want to remove the handbrake from my life that holds me and release all the life energy I know I have. In fact, even with all this, in the last 8 years I’ve been able to travel the world and work abroad in different countries in Europe. But I see my problems are always coming back and they follow me everywhere I go. So, it's time to face them.

Before you read anything more you should know two additional things:

1- I have a mild form of tourette syndrome and mild OCD linked to it

2- I recently started a journey with a professional helping me to find out solutions to some issues..

Let's go then!!

In my past: I've been fapping my whole life since before 10 years old to a very peculiar fetish (I’ll explain later..) with pics, fantasies and videos. Before discovering the NoFap I only had few breaks from PMO in my life; one when I was in the army back in 2001, and second in 2012 while travelling in Central America going about 30 days no PMO (still edging few times). In both there cases tough I quit and relapsed binging so much that I could see no benefits.

Today:

-I started this new streak on October the 4th, so tiday it's about 61 days hard mode which is so incredible to me!!

-I previously reached 45 days this summer, but then relapsing and binging for about one month.

-Then I had an another two weeks streak in September ending it with a sexual intercourse in which I had troubles getting horny (mixed of being very tired and having performance anxiety) leading to the conclusion that I was not ready yet. This sexual intercourse however re-opened the door to PMO and binging.

-Then I finally started again from 4th October and that's where I am now.

This time I’m truly and deeply serious with this and I want to go deeper.
I wanna get rid of this vicious circle and get out of it...discover who i would be without PMO.

Differently from this summer, on this new streak I feel no urges at all. Yes I feel more sensitive on my “friend” below, but I had really few morning woods and so far only one almost wet dream about about 24 days ago. Feels like the system needs to recover and that i'm on a flat line.

Now a little more deeper in details..

As I mentioned I’ve started fapping since childhood..probably younger than 10 years old. I was so young that I remember when stimulating my genitals I had no erection and nothing came out when orgasmed. Orgasm was just an intense feeling of pleasure around all the area, very close to what is actually orgasm still with no fully functioning system.

I've lost virginity at 30 years old, and I had the first long term relationship at about 32 for 5 years. Sex has never been so fulfilling for me, and I always escaped in my PMO habits draining my energy from the couple sexual life. There are two major reasons for this escaping. One is the fetish I mentioned and another is a taboo or “fear” that I’ve always had.

These two are going the hardest things to talk about for me but i'll try.

-My fetish, since child, has always been about....amputations. For a long time at the beginning fantasising about me being an amputee, then with the first fast connections finding more and more materials about amputee women.. photos at first and then videos. Needless to say, I had been hooked since then and that was my personal way to PMO. I've always felt so weird and wrong about this. So bad that in some occasions I talked about this to few girls friends of mine, being so much relived when they said they didn't see anything wrong about it, as long as it was just my fantasy and not hurting no ones feeling. Well of course was just my fantasy and nothing more, but being so hooked was detrimental for my sexual heatlh and for approaching real women. I almost never watched regular porn, being just so boring and flat for me.

-The taboo instead is about...and again crazy enough: human skin and its flaws mainly as moles and spots. This always made me too embarrassed and feeling so strange about. Of course I know I also have them, and I still remember when I was about 8 years old discovering them looking at me on the mirror. I felt so ashamed. I spent my whole life fighting against this to avoid letting it ruin my ability to connect with people and girls. I succeeded on the first, but still it caused much troubles with girls, leading me to always escape back to my PMO where I found, combined, my fantasy and the escape from my taboo.

The only few times where I had almost regular sex, even with still some PE was in Africa.

I travelled for adventure in different countries in the last 4 years and I had different intercourses. Due to the huge lifestyle and cultural differences, black skin and so less visible flaws, and also more mini-streak of nofap, I had been able to let myself go little more and enjoy sex. But still my problems are there. As I said before I had some troubles enjoying sex with the beautiful African girls that I’ve met one month ago.

Conclusions and thoughts:

So now I am here. On one side there's my cloud of depression hanging above me, and making me feel like always starting from zero, like if I achieved nothing in my life.
On the other side, my strength, my light and adventures around the world. I've learned so much from my travelling..8 years of adventures leading me last year to complete a Tanzania to Cape Town bicycle trip in alone with a second hand bike bought in Kenya. Five month across Africa meeting cultures and people.

I know I have a light shining inside of me, like everyone of us, and I also managed to make it shine through many difficulties..but I’ve lost so many years and sometimes I feel like I just want to disappear, get lost in my apathy and simply let this life slip off my fingers like sand.

At this point, the only variable I never ever changed is my addiction to PMO. This might be the handbrake that stops me from shining like a diamond, from finally releasing all my energy and live life at the fullest.

As I said I feel the system is quite shutting down, i have no urges and rarely think about girls and sex.
I never ever touched myself apart for cleaning purposes, but sometimes i've had 5 or 10 seconds thinking about my fetish and the video i used to watch, kind of trying to recall that feelings. I never ever peeked anyway, just had a thoutgh for few seconds which never lead to anything down there

Along with nofap, I'm doing intermittent fasting, 24 or 48 hours a week. Also exercising a lot and meditating as much as i can.

I reached yesterday 7 months mark and i'm really curious to see what will happen from then on.

Benefits so far:

I've always had some kind of anxiety running in my stomach almost constantly. I feel like this is improving having less of that recently.
I can feel my mind trying to go to fap as an escape whenever something touch me deep inside, like an insicurity, a doubt, a regret or anything negative. The feeling of being able to face all this without always the same reaction and escaping is great and gives me so much more confidence!!
I think i'm more motivated and feels like i'm having back some inner strenght.. probably my frontal lobe is building some muscle back again?

Anyway thanks for reading guys!! I love you so much and this community is incredible, it's so beautiful being able to spit out some of the hardest things of my life!!

Huuuugs!!!
« Last Edit: May 05, 2020, 01:01:11 PM by SeekingNewLife »

SietchTabr

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Re: Building the new me..
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2020, 04:11:42 PM »
Welcome, SNL.

I'm newly returned here and starting fresh. Just wanted someone to acknowledge your post and your story!

SietchTabr

SeekingNewLife

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Re: Building the new me..
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2020, 05:06:30 PM »
Thanks buddy!! ;)

SeekingNewLife

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Re: Building the new me..
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2020, 03:34:39 AM »
Hi everyone reading this!!

I have to be honest..i'm afraid telling my story it's been kind of bewildering for you..like if you felt ashamed about it as i don't see many answers on this post. I'm not expecting anything special, but a normal interectiong would be beneficial for me as i exposed myself quite a lot on many aspects. This said.. this period is going to be the hardest i think. Yes i reached almost 8 months of nofap till now..seems amazing to me as well as to most of the people at the beginning this might seems the final goal as it would exactly be my though back in October thinking about been able to reach 8 months. BUT...despire many benefits that i can recon having received during this journey, i'm every day more conscius that this might only be the beginning of a change.
Like an alcoolist or a drug addicted, even after months the journey for recovery would only be at the beginning every day.

In this recent period i'm having cravings, partly induced by a girl that i've met on facebook during the lockdown. In some way that was beneficial as was thinking ang getting aroused by the idea of her and getting physical with her, which is a good sign being always and almost only been arouesed from my weird fetish for my whole life.
Now she changed her mind and we will never meet in person, and after two months of sharing thougs and even hot pics i'm left alone with this powerful energy inside of me.
I admit that in these days the place that she were taking in my sesual imagination now is filled by my fetish again.
Still its weird cause at the same time of having these cravings, my penis seems like dead at the touch while before when me and her were only waiting for the lockdown to let us meet in person, my penis was like calling me all the time. Now these carvins seems to be more "mind cravings" and somhow i noticed a can control them training and getting active physically.
Still this is being dangerous and there's a high risk of falling back now..

Well..somehow that fetish neve left me since the beginning..as yes back in January in deleted ALL my collected videos and i managed not to go and search google anymore, BUT both at night in my dreams and even cosciously during the day i had many times my mind wondering back on my fantasies a little bit.
But hey...just a though is nothing compared to my bingin of the previous me. The point is that after this girl changing her mind i had a couple of times myself searching my fetish on google or youtube. I didn't masturbate but i stared for just few seconds at the images feeling the urge to get all that inner crazy wold back to me.

Now..this period, despite almost 8 months off, i'm feeling i might fall from one moment to another. I said i googled a couple of times, but i thouth about doing it countless of times and this is dangerous as soon or later i might fall and i cannot permit this to happen.
No, I'm not saying here i had no benefits after 8 months, as is note true! I have so much more energy and discipline, my mind is clearer and i'm little bit less controlled by strong emotions and i fell cleaner and motivated to keep this going.
But probably, i'm only at the beginning of this trip as it's like my boat was before was wasted and wrecked on the sand and now after 8 months it's only almost ready to cruise but still being on he same beach of the beginning.

SORRY guys for my English. I'm an Italian guy and i love English but i'm not a pro and i hope everything is clear and making sense to you. Also, as you know, it's not easy at all explain this inner world we have and what we think ang go through and i'm trying to report it the best way i can.

For thos who are starting this journey: KEEP GOING as yes it might be difficult but the benefits are real and it's the biggest even if hardest investment for you life!!