Author Topic: Something needs saying here....  (Read 1992 times)

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #25 on: September 02, 2020, 09:41:05 PM »
Here we go again . Damn bloody replapse. Day 9 . Annoyed yes. Devestated - no. The pattern here for me is one or two week streak , before that kind of ominous auto pilot mode kicks in. I keep trying to divert my mind but P keeps on battering the door down inside my head. Eventually I just kinda crumble and think "fuck it".
I will not make the same mistake as lasy time though. And binging a couple more times before trying. That was a catastrpohic error and really worried me - depresseed the hell outt me actually. But just for 2 days.
Anyway I feel kind of OK this morning. As I say, annoyed - not devoed. Take care all of you.

jixu

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #26 on: September 03, 2020, 01:30:43 PM »
Good mindset-annoyed, disappointed, but not devastated!  Like you stated, no binge; have a good restart and drive on friend. 

ntg

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #27 on: September 03, 2020, 05:56:34 PM »
Here we go again . Damn bloody replapse. Day 9 . Annoyed yes. Devestated - no. The pattern here for me is one or two week streak , before that kind of ominous auto pilot mode kicks in. I keep trying to divert my mind but P keeps on battering the door down inside my head. Eventually I just kinda crumble and think "fuck it".
I will not make the same mistake as lasy time though. And binging a couple more times before trying. That was a catastrpohic error and really worried me - depresseed the hell outt me actually. But just for 2 days.
Anyway I feel kind of OK this morning. As I say, annoyed - not devoed. Take care all of you.

I would also not think of it in terms of how many days you went without giving in to PMO, because it will feel like you have this big mountain to climb back up to get to where you were previously, in terms of time.

Rather, think of what you can do, this very moment, to make your life better in some way.  In this way, you don't have to wait for any arbitrary amount of time to feel better about yourself or your life...you can begin right now, no matter if you relapsed yesterday, today, 10 days ago, or 40 days ago.  What you have is the present moment, and you can absolutely better your life in some way within it.

If you even make one distinction this time that you didn't know before, then you have learned from your mistake, and you can move on, knowing you know more now than you did.  That's the same mentality that Edison had, and it's why we now have electric lights.

Goodonya for that mindset!
There’s one thing that is guaranteed to increase your feelings of control over your life: a bias toward action.  - Mel Robbins

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #28 on: September 04, 2020, 03:09:35 AM »
Yeah - feeling super postive already. Yeah i kicked myself for relapsing, but i didnt dwell on it for longer than a few hours. Straight back on the horse as they say. Im feeoing positive also because, yeah although I am still PMO ing a couple or 3 times a month, that is a massive improvement. My mind is cleaner than it was, I mean, Im not some sicko perv by any stretch, but I finf now when Im out Im not really oggling womens butts anymore as I was a few months back. Im shal we say , more in touch with reality. Im definately healing in many ways. So yeah , feel pretty good. Barely any urges . Maybe crosses my mind for 10 mins in the morning, then , nothing all day. Im healing. I believe so anyway.... talk again fellas and thanks always.....

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #29 on: September 06, 2020, 05:33:32 AM »
Right , well, I just reread my post from a couplenof days ago, and wished to redress the overall message. I sounded very complacent there. That was an error. Of course urges dont coarise immediately, they sneak up on you. As I should know by now. I am managing to divert my urges in the last few days, but Im far from out of the woods yet. This week is a big one for me. I see it as the defining sink or swim week. I will pass , or fail. Will keep you posted. Sometimes in my mind, I think Ive already failed. But Im giving myself a fightingb hance. I maybe, just maybe, can roll through another week pmo free... i fuckin hope so. This ed has to fuckin go. Ot has to.

ntg

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #30 on: September 06, 2020, 04:43:47 PM »
This week is a big one for me. I see it as the defining sink or swim week. I will pass , or fail. Will keep you posted. Sometimes in my mind, I think Ive already failed. But Im giving myself a fightingb hance. I maybe, just maybe, can roll through another week pmo free... i fuckin hope so. This ed has to fuckin go. Ot has to.

I know exactly how you feel; I am in a similar boat as you.  When you have a lot going on, and feel stressed out, it's almost like you don't have the necessary energy to keep away from P.  All I can say is that you're on a journey, not going towards a destination.  Even if you make 180 days PMO free, on day 181 you could relapse.  This is a lifestyle, and not something that we do and forget about.  On a positive note, as you stay away from P, your brain will crave it less and less.

One thing I've learned is that I usually use P in order to fill some other need.  Maybe take a look at your life and see if there is something that you should be doing (or not doing) and using P as a way to not face it.  I sure wish there was a way to "reprogram" our minds so that we were innocent regarding P again, and just stayed the hell away from it from the beginning, and thus did not know what we were missing.  I'm sure all addicts probably feel that way.  So, just do your best, and in the end, be kind to yourself.  You're holding out as best you can, and for that, you should be rewarding yourself.  Also, as your first post said, it's not fucking easy to transmute sexual energy and direct it to something else, so if you get closer each time, you're winning.
There’s one thing that is guaranteed to increase your feelings of control over your life: a bias toward action.  - Mel Robbins

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #31 on: September 06, 2020, 09:34:15 PM »
Thanks man. There is wisdom in there............... keep well . We all just need to keep well. It is what it is ........

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #32 on: September 08, 2020, 06:04:19 AM »
A terrible relapse today. I was bursting with energy and joy yesterday.. I had a real glow about myself and people could sense it. I felt connected to all things. And now, well , once again, feel empty , quite alone really. Its nasty shit this P is ... nasty nasty shit..... :(

mousemat1

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #33 on: September 08, 2020, 06:59:02 AM »
Hey Stone.

We're addicts! Relapses are pretty much a certainty. What separates us from this who successfully quit and those who don't is what you do with this relapse. Don't beat yourself up over it too much. You are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. How long was that run? 15 days?

You have to take this now a be determined to do another 15 days. If you've done it once, you can do it again. You've already proved that. So, here's your goal, another 15 days without porn (and masturbation if possible). When you get to day 15, just tell yourself to an 1 extra day. When you finish day 16, just tell yourself to add one extra day. Everyone can handle 24 hours. In fact it's not even 24 hours because you probably sleep for 8 of them.

The longer it takes to quit, the longer it takes to recover from PIED. You can beat this addiction!

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #34 on: September 08, 2020, 12:17:24 PM »
Thanks man. Yeah Ive been weak. I can manage 2 week streaks, then just get so fuckin intensly horny its almost impossible to contain. Im not used to it yet . Transmuting the energy is the thing Im trying to master. Jesus man its insane. I feel ok anyway. Not proud, but feel OK really. Im not a depressed person. Im a creative person. I dont sit around dwelling. So luckily , Im kinda OK....... back to the drawing board though. Lets go again. Thanks for checking on me and keeping the wheels in motion....... take care out there.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #35 on: September 08, 2020, 12:27:27 PM »
Hard to free yourself from an addiction that you can indulge without leaving the comfort of your armchair or even your own head. Do you have any practical obstacles set up to make your path to P more difficult, with a few gates to open? I always think that when we're triggered, we need to find ways to slow everything down, so we can remember for ourselves how fucked-up things are on P. Some days we're good, but on the days when your cravings kick-in.... a digital obstacle course to buy you some time?

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #36 on: September 10, 2020, 06:21:08 AM »
So , I appear to be letting the side down. 2 relapses (binges) in a week. Fucks sake. I so wish this could just not happen. Its like having 2 people in my head. A good one, and a fuckin pervert lurking. Its litereally driving me insane. Back to basics - again! Just gotta get back onto a solid week streak , then maintain some level of normality . There is one thing I could do I guess. Just get rid of all access. Laptop gone , phone gone. ( Buy a brick phone ). This may be my only chance ....... its actually an appealing idea to me to do that, not only becuase of P, but all the other online trash that comes with modern life..... I just want my old self back. Im a decent man, with integirty and success in some things. This bullshit has to go .... it really does..... :(

Leonidas

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #37 on: September 10, 2020, 09:17:15 AM »
Its like having 2 people in my head. A good one, and a fuckin pervert lurking. Its litereally driving me insane.

..... I just want my old self back. Im a decent man, with integirty and success in some things.
Sorry that you feel that way, Asian_Stone.  Things DO get better with a day or two's perspective after the relapse.  I apologize for condensing your post, but I found these two ideas interesting.

The first, is about the duality in what seems to be present in most of us trying to recover: there is a 'good' person trying to live a good, wholesome life and then a 'darker figure' trying to indulge in the worst and destroying the work of the good.  From my several years experience in attempting to recover, I've come to realize that this view is completely erroneous.  There is no good and bad angel.  What may be going on instead are two competing objectives: the first one is about building and improving life; the second is more emotional... it aims to appease and soothe the anxiety and stress.  It may use things like drugs or porn or gaming or whatever-name-the-ritual to achieve a sense of calm, but these are just strategies to cope.  So in the end, I've learned that the 'dark angel' isn't evil at all; more like a poor fool who unknowingly tries to make life happier.  Maybe these two objectives are like two different selves.  In that case then, learn to live with both of them in harmony.  Both have needs, but remember that one is more emotional than  the other... and hating it won't help you in any way.

Second, what you said about wanting your old self back, well fantastic!  And what if there is nothing 'old' about it?  What if it's there already, just waiting for you to call it back into action?  I remember that only a few weeks ago, you were brimming with positivity and energy.  I bet you 'old' self only needs a quick tap on the shoulder and he'll be back!

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #38 on: September 12, 2020, 12:18:22 AM »
What a great, sincere reply. Thank you man. Appreciate that. Well yes its day 3 clean, and youre right. Already feel a slight spring in my step. Im going all out guns blazing to just get a strrak going. Laptop in the draw, a trip to the bookshop already done. Will swerve alcohol too for a little while if I can. Its always my trigger. Always. Thanks again for a well worded and fairly deep look at my situation. I do like the analogy of a poor weak man, not an evil devil. That makes sense and helps. Stay with me. Big respect.

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #39 on: September 13, 2020, 09:42:57 PM »
Just a quick update today. Had a few beers last night and was worried about waking up with strong urges. Instead, I lept out of bed and never felt so positive. Definitely back on track. Feeling super postive already and its only day 5. Lets go.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #40 on: September 14, 2020, 08:09:40 AM »
Just a quick update today. Had a few beers last night and was worried about waking up with strong urges. Instead, I lept out of bed and never felt so positive. Definitely back on track. Feeling super postive already and its only day 5. Lets go.

Nice one! Hope you can surf that positivity all the way to the beach.

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #41 on: September 18, 2020, 09:45:40 AM »
Just a kind of journal update today - to check in myself in a way, amd document progress. 

Day 9 and feeling great and not even really having any urges at all. Morning wood retured too. Im not totally new to this though and realise week 2 has so often been my biggest hurdle. Never made it passed about 15 days before. But , here I am on day 9, and have to say, neveir felt so confident. The reason Im so hopeful this time is pretty simple. I visualised success , properly. I dont think I ever really imagined before, just how utterly superb its gonna be when i get to 30 , 60 , even 90 days. But this time, my focus is sharper. Resolved to crack it this time. All for now. Take care fellas.

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #42 on: October 18, 2020, 12:42:32 AM »
Hey fellas,

Just checkin in . Current streak is 20 days hard mode. Never been this long before. Feeling pretty good but quite strong urges today, hence jumping on here to kind of make sense of it or document it.

I started thinking , maybe I could have a sneaky whack without porn .... then I realised - NOOOO !! I think good progress is being made after 3 weeks . Nocturnal wood is happening but as soon as I properly wake its gone back to limp. So - a long way to go.

Think I will head out. Not feeling fully confident to sit in my flat all day today.....

Hope you are all winning the fight ..... keep going.

jixu

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #43 on: October 19, 2020, 01:45:09 PM »
20 days is huge-nice work, and, it is indeed work!  Good idea to get out of the house when you get hit by the feeling!

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #44 on: October 20, 2020, 09:03:50 AM »
Managed 22 days . Then today I binged - hungover again. I feel OK. Not too bad. Obviously annoyed ( again ) , but no major depresssion or anyhting serious. Its is what it is..... My streaks are getting longer each time so I figure I am still progressing, slowly. 

Life goes on. Keep well all .....

Jayd

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #45 on: October 20, 2020, 11:29:21 AM »
Sorry to hear that....pick it up again buddy, you gonna best it one day!

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #46 on: October 21, 2020, 03:04:45 AM »
Hey Asian_stone,

Sorry to hear but let's put it into perspective. You've managed 22 days. Try and see this as the first longer streak of coming long streaks that will eventually become a continuous streak. This is a difficult fight and a long and tricky road. Occasionally you fall down, dust your clothes off and go on. Each time you learn.

What has made you reach the 22 days this time?


Good luck!
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

peter1717

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #47 on: October 23, 2020, 07:17:37 AM »
I was reading that our bad habits wont go away.
But we can replace them with good habits.   Porn = bad habit (and everything that leads up to it)
That means find new good habits....

Asian_Stone

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #48 on: October 27, 2020, 02:59:49 AM »
Well, i did the worst thing I could possibly do. I binged about 4 times in a week after my long streak. Yep - really bad. I stand here now basically on day one, with ruined dopamine receptors and strengthened pathways to my reward centre ( the worng pathways ). Its bad news. I know , we always come out the other side with resolve and hope, and I do again. I beleive I can out together a long streak again. I ve done it before, so can do it again, and it was so good to be free for a while.

I guess my deep down concern is how crazy it is when we relapse. Its like the uncontrollable part of us just takes over. Its scary really.

Here I go again .... another serious attempt is underway. I just wanted to document it thats all..... stay well fellas... and dont do what i did.

Leonidas

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Re: Something needs saying here....
« Reply #49 on: October 27, 2020, 09:49:56 AM »
Hello Asian_Stone,
Don't worry about having committed the worst thing... by all accounts, that is a common vulnerability to all of us who recover from this habit, so try not to take it as a personal failure on your part.  It DOES seem like it like a sort of freak within ourselves takes over the moment we act out, doesn't it?!  I totally understand how that can inspire fear... but if that 'freak' feeds on fear, then maybe it isn't worth giving it to him.  Remember the saying that fear in recovery is like a match to kindling wood?  Onward my friend, there is no other way!

I was reading that our bad habits wont go away.
But we can replace them with good habits.   Porn = bad habit (and everything that leads up to it)
That means find new good habits....
I vouch for this, but I believe whoever wrote this is wrong about bad habits lasting forever.  What they might mean is that pathways in the brain which were consistently used by the porn-chasing high might remain in the brain for a long time.  But the habit in and of itself has no life of its own.

Back to you Asian_Stone, Peter's take home message remains relevant: find a new activity that captivates your curiosity and run with it.  Later you can decide if it's for you or not then if needed try again with another.