Author Topic: 4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!  (Read 159561 times)

lyon03

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4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
« on: November 21, 2014, 04:59:08 AM »
Here is my story: 42 years old, first discovered porn/masturbation around age 12, went from magazines, to video, paid streaming porn, then free and highly addictive porn sites. What was a flirtation became a full-on obsession in 1994 and heroin-like addiction in 2005. I'm starting this journal on day 23 of my recovery with a goal of hitting 90 days initially before stopping forever. My addiction has now cost me: my career, my business, my marriage, and was well along to destroying my relationship with my three kids. On October 30th, I finally said "f*ck this". I've not watched porn since and never will do it again. I've started a reboot with no-fap and no television. I've also read pretty much everything I could about my addiction, namely it's harder to give up than meth. (Scary!) But there are temptations, particularly in the form of rock-hard erections at night and geyser-like pressure because I haven't had an orgasm in roughly two weeks. I'll post daily to keep motivated. Glad to have found this site and very happy to share with others.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2019, 02:17:22 PM by lyon03 »

Beachy

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Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2014, 07:33:01 AM »
Thanks for sharing your story Lyon03. New life and better times await. Congrats on tanking this step.

Poker

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Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2014, 08:27:46 AM »
Good luck my friend  :)

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Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2014, 12:00:05 PM »
My story sounds just like yours. I use to go to my cousins  house, and he had dirty magazines. I love looking  at those. When I was 13, I saw my first porn. I remember  riding  my bike home, after watching  it. I couldn't  get to the bathroom  fast enough  to m.o
 I use to go to the video  store 2 or 3 times a week, and get some porn. I was mildly  addicted.  But now with high speed  Internet,  I get the porn sent toy phone..bad combination. I have severe p.i.e.d., but junior  has been moving lately. I'm doing so good, not pmo'ing.  I'm so much more confident. What a world of difference  my life is, in just 2 weeks  of  not watching porn, or m.o.

Nexus974

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Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2014, 02:06:03 PM »
Thanks for sharing and welcome to the Nation brother.

lyon03

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Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2014, 08:41:45 AM »
Thank you to everyone for your encouragement. Still PMO free and plan to stay that way. So here is a brief recap of my reboot progress so far:

Day 0: Hit rock bottom by unintentionally seeing a photo that repulsed me, to the point of almost vomiting. P.I.E.D. No feelings yet felt shame. Vowed to never view porn again.

Phase 1: Cold Turkey
Day 1 (Oct 30): Joined Porn Addicts Anonymous online. Gave up porn, masturbation, and television. Huge help.
Days 2-6: Mood swings, depression, lack of concentration. Heavy withdrawal.

Phase 2: Repair
Days 7-14: Slept like a baby. Felt like: "I'm the man!" Then flatline (cold pool d*ck). Withdrawal continues.
Days 14-20: Huge pressure in my genitals. Buzzing penis. Nighttime and morning boners commence. This is my 13-year-old stage. Very strong withdrawal: total lack of concentration; shaky legs at night; spontaneous boners. The works!

Phase 3: Reflection
Days 21-24: More introspective: "Who am I?" Regaining ability to concentrate/work. Rock-hard erections while sleeping and in morning. Sex drive coming back online.
Day 24: Starting reading "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. Learned a lot about the addiction/disease.
Day 26 (today): Mood swings and almost adolescent but manageable sexual impulses (flat to horny in 2 seconds). Very close to MO relapse but talked to my buddy and got over it.

In brief, since I disgusted myself by viewing filth on Day 0, I've had very little drive to view porn but a huge need to masturbate. Now that I've read more about the addiction, I now understand porn was the stimulus required to edge to orgasm and yet porn-fuelled orgasm was almost always a let down.

I will post more consistently going forward. Thanks to all for your support and contributions. Stay strong.


« Last Edit: November 25, 2014, 03:24:36 AM by lyon03 »

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Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2014, 09:48:14 AM »
I am now two weeks into rebooting.  Similar stories.  Long history of porn with masturbation and some intense orgasms.  Now that I am in reboot along with PIED - nothing.....nada....not even wood in the morning.  Willy just hangs there and looks at me as if to say "do your best but I ain't playing."

I have a long road ahead of me.  I have felt the shame that I brought to myself.  My secret is still secure.  But I am bitchy right now and a little depressed.  I think the depression comes from the fact that I can't get it up for nothing.  I have to wait until the muck has filtered out of my brain.

Lyon03 you can do this.  We all are in the same boat with you.  We will either sink or swim.  I choose to swim.

Keep journeling.  Focus on the end goal:  no PMO.  Say to yourself whatever it takes you will do it.  We all have made that pledge to ourselves.  We are here to cheer you on.

lyon03

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Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2014, 09:59:10 AM »
Hang in there. But beware: it seems the earlier you started PMO, the more you have to unwire your brain. I also wouldn't focus too much on your dick as that obsession probably got you here. I've found it easier and more fulfilling to focus on all of the positive things life has to offer away from the computer screen. Focus on being a better human being, and the dick will follow. I should write greeting cards.

lyon03

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Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2014, 02:58:37 PM »
Today was a bit of mixed bag emotionally-speaking. Even with porn, I always had a very strong sex drive even if the equipment wasn't always working because of PIED. It seems my trigger is: feeling horny; being alone; being in front of a computer screen. I called up my buddy/sponsor, and he talked me through it which helped. Sadly my only form of sexual expression while alone has been fapping. While difficult to overcome, I am seeing things with laser-precision rather than through a porn-induced brain fog. But I'm worried about tomorrow. I'm currently divorcing and yet live very close to my in-laws who are very close to my kids (I have 3). Tomorrow I have my first face-to-face with my in-laws after announcing 1. the divorce; and 2. I'm gay (she-bang!). While I feel it's necessary to meet with them, rather than have it out at a school play, I'd rather have a root canal. Rather than head home and feel shitty tomorrow, I'm going to head to the gym and work off my stress then have a chat with my buddy/sponsor. By being pro-active I'll meet my reboot goals and beyond. Any suggestions you could provide about managing triggers/stress would be most helpful.

lyon03

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Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2014, 03:16:55 AM »
Day 27: Thanks everyone for your kind messages. It's morning here in Europe and I've had one of my best sleeps ever. I cannot recall the last time I've had such vivid dreams. Last night my first dream was like 'Aliens' with some strange and terrible predator hunting us. It then picked off almost every person in my dream until just 3 of us survived. I don't need a doctorate in psychology to understand the predator was my addiction and I escaped it, albeit just barely. Woke up scared from this dream with a raging boner around 3:30 a.m., had a pee, and even in my half-sleep my brain was saying, "Just relax by going on the internet. Come on, we won't look at anything dangerous." I then gave it the biggest mental 'F*CK OFF!' and promptly fell back asleep. (This was the first time in years I had to sit to angle my '11 o'clock' erection towards the toilet to pee. It made me feel 18 again.) But enough about my d*ck. I have also finished the e-book, 'Your Brain on Porn' which I highly recommend for anyone with a porn addiction. Through reading the book, I could remove the morality from my addiction and understand the simple brain chemistry involved. It really helped me forgive myself and develop strategies to remain porn-free. I enjoyed the very simple and direct narrative and was shocked to read about the tricks the primitive parts of our brains use to get us to relapse. I can give you one from personal experience. Yesterday I white-knuckled to work just 4 solid hours (my goal is 8 by the end of the month). My porn-brain was so fried that I couldn't even concentrate at work. My primitive brain (sexuality) was like a wild cat trying to distract my frontal lobe (higher thinking & logic) to get a porn fix. Now my porn brain's 'Hail Mary' to keep from working is...bathroom breaks. It's incredible that rather than just admit defeat, I now feel an overwhelming urge to sh*t just every time I try to start my work day. This is a rather scatological example, but knowledge is power so I can better strangle my addiction to death. Let me end this rambling post by writing that I love all of you and thank you for your contributions. You've saved my life. I'll post again this afternoon after meeting with my in-laws but right now, I feel as though I could take on the world. Be well my friends.

lyon03

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Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
« Reply #10 on: November 25, 2014, 03:25:54 AM »
PS PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!

lyon03

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Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
« Reply #11 on: November 25, 2014, 12:21:45 PM »
Day 27: cont'd. My story: father/gay/came out to wife/now divorcing/recovering porn addict. I'm the whole package! Met with the former in-laws which was both emotional and stressful. Never thought I'd have a beer in their kitchen chatting about divorcing their daughter and coming out.  Anyhow, thought it might lead to a relapse but still no desire for PMO. Actually feel stronger. Hit the gym hard instead and posted here. Feeling great actually but still understand I'm just a click away from a relapse so trying to stay strong.

Beachy

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Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
« Reply #12 on: November 25, 2014, 08:58:15 PM »
Congrats on reaching 27 days Lyon. You've achieved so much so stay strong and know that everyone here is behind you so if you feel the urge then reach out. Good luck.

lyon03

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Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
« Reply #13 on: November 26, 2014, 12:36:50 AM »
Thanks brother. I am worried that upon reaching day 30 in just 2 days, I'll do something stupid like go on a porn binge. I also don't want to become so arrogant that I believe I'm cured. While I've had very little seeking and urges to watch porn this past month, for me it comes almost robotically. It's scary. I've twice caught myself writing a porn website name rather than Youtube. Strangely I also have these flashes while driving that are like, "Can't wait to get home to jerk off." I also had an overwhelming need to masturbate; another addiction that I have also stopped. For those struggling with broken relationships, I can certainly relate. I was so cold and distant emotionally because of my addiction. Sometimes it felt like watching a stage play of my tragic life rather than playing a part there was so much of a disconnect. My addiction has taken everything from me, namely my marriage, but that led to new beginnings and new love. Maybe I have come the conclusion that, whatever path I choose in my life, addiction won't be coming with me. While I accept the damage I have done, I can't be so self-centred that my own pain/healing prevents others from living their lives. Put bluntly, I refuse to become their addiction: demanding attention; giving nothing back; destroying love etc. There is, however, a point in recovery when the porn-fog lifts only to reveal the war-torn landscape that is your life. It feels a bit like being a WWI soldier in the muddy and rat-filled trenches of Europe. One day you hear, "The war is over!" Thrilled, you then emerge from the trenches only to see death and devastation. Suddenly the challenges of rebuilding hit you with full force and you wonder if you have the courage to start over. This is how I feel in early recovery. Yes I'm learning the tools to tame my addiction, but do I have the strength to rebuild my life? I believe I do but that will be another struggle. One day at a time my friends. Thank you for reading my rambling post. Love and prayers to all of you.

lyon03

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Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
« Reply #14 on: November 26, 2014, 11:17:21 AM »
Question: I'm now on day 28 of my PMO reboot, but is sex considered a relapse?

Just had fantastic sex with my BF (I'm gay) of 2 years. Unlike past encounters which felt like some grainy black & white 1950s sci-fi movie, this was a 3-d megaplex kind of sexual experience. While it's early days, it felt good to:

1. Take my time. PMO was always such a rushed and shameful experience that I too often transferred to the bedroom.
2. Not focus on the orgasm. I couldn't have cared less about the climax, it was pure, stress-free, enjoyment from start to finish.
3. No ED. Gone were my weak and disappointing erections of yore. With #1 and #2 above, I couldn't have cared less about my wood and, without this pressure, performed.

Now I just want to see if I experience a 'chaser' effect that so many have written about. For now, no urge to PMO.

"Porn is not an option"

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Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
« Reply #15 on: November 26, 2014, 11:42:00 PM »
Holy cow lyon, you have a pretty  full  plate right now. Congratulations  on 28 days of  no p. I'm thinking  of you at your  ex in laws. I've gotta say I read that, and kind of laughed. Not at you, just the situation.  You are doing awesome.  If you can have sex right now, and you don't think it's  messing  up your reboot, have fun. I know a guy who was married  to a woman, and one day he came home, and told her he was having  a sex change. He did, now he's a female,  married  to a male. It was a shock to us all. Sorry I was rambling  on. Anyway I'm proud of you. You've  made some HUGH life changes

lyon03

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Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
« Reply #16 on: November 27, 2014, 01:10:37 AM »
Thanks for your encouragement brother. No sex change here...YET. I'm on day 29 and feel cautiously optimistic. 30 days is very symbolic for me, but it's a long slog back to a normal porn-free life but I'll celebrate each victory day by day.

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Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
« Reply #17 on: November 27, 2014, 02:18:13 PM »
Wow....  full plate indeed.   Congrats on the progress.  And thank you for the brutal honesty in your story.

To answer your question, I would say no....  that sex is not a relapse ( In my opinion)....  so long as you were engaged with your partner rather fantasizing about porn fetish.

Remember, the whole point of rebooting is so that we can perform, and have normal sex lives....   so we can bring healthy happy people into the relationships we're in. 

I would be simply take it for what it is....  don't stress yourself out about it more than you have to, and continue to commit yourself to being a better you.

Cheers!

p.

lyon03

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Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
« Reply #18 on: November 27, 2014, 02:54:06 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Just when I thought the withdrawal was over, I now have the emotions of a drunk chick at prom. Thanks brain! For no reason my eyes started leaking while listening to Sia's "Chandelier" at the gym. This line set me off:

'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life,
Won't look down, won't open my eyes

Anyhow almost bedtime for me in Europe. In addition to no PMO, I've also given up TV...too many triggers and really just a waste of time. So I'll read a bit before bed as I do every night. While I may be a 12-year-old girl emotionally, without the stimulation of TV and porn, I'm sleeping like a baby. 

I look forward to seeing my counter hit 30 tomorrow. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

lyon03

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Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
« Reply #19 on: November 28, 2014, 06:30:28 AM »
Made it to 30. That was the hardest, most white-knuckle, most rewarding, most life-changing month of my life. I can't believe it would be so hard to not surf filth and keep my hands off my c*ck. But it was. I'm going to keep posting and look forward to celebrating 60, 90 and a lifetime porn free. Thanks for your posts and support.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2014, 07:12:53 AM by lyon03 »

Poker

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Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
« Reply #20 on: November 28, 2014, 12:50:33 PM »
You're an inspiration my friend.....  in more ways than one.  :)

Cheers!

p.

lyon03

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Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
« Reply #21 on: November 28, 2014, 01:05:53 PM »
You know what, bring on the hard! Bring on the withdrawal, the emotions, the shakiness, the self-doubt. I'm not just going to beat this addiction, I'm going to f*cking destroy it. People are suffering in this world way more than guys just tugging on their junk in nice comfortable office chairs, in nice warm offices. Compared to world hunger, porn addiction looks like a holiday. I am better than my porn/past. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!!

lyon03

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Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
« Reply #22 on: November 29, 2014, 02:58:46 PM »
Day 31: Natural horniness like today is a gift. I didn't want to MO so I worked out...hard. And given the looks I got in the weight room, my muscles are growing nicely. Can I put another counter on my profile: stop being a total p*ssy? I cringe at the years I wasted with the "poor me" attitude. I used to be a strong willed and confident man. Porn reduced me to a limp dicked little boy. NO MORE. I am more that my addiction, wasting time tugging it in front of a computer screen. Is it wrong to hate my former self? Maybe but it motivates me. But I've moved from the piss and moan stage to getting really f*cking angry at my former addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. Goodnight and thanks to everyone for your encouragement.

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Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
« Reply #23 on: November 29, 2014, 11:01:45 PM »
This made me happy. 

Cheers,

p.

lyon03

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Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
« Reply #24 on: November 30, 2014, 02:45:09 AM »
Day 32: Still no PMO and never will again. Confidence is returning. I'm heading to the gym to strengthen both mind and body. Morning wood is back and the symptoms of withdrawal have almost disappeared. I have some night tremors just before falling asleep, last night my hands, but it's just the mind cleansing so I welcome it. I am stronger than my addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.