Author Topic: My history - my journal  (Read 4475 times)

Albert

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 17
    • View Profile
My history - my journal
« on: November 05, 2014, 11:52:07 AM »
Well

This is my matter. This is my journal. This is my presentation.

I'm gay. With a very strong desire to be a correct person, with good moral values. Since I knew I was gay, I wanted to be a good person. I had have some relationships in my life, & I think I was a good partner. I probably am a good partner now, in this moment, almost ten years with another man, a fantastic man.

Remembering my first contact with porn I'll tell you something quite interesting:  when I was seventeen, I went to my first porn-movies. At that time, to see a porn movie, just going to a cinema. Before that I saw some porn magazines, my father had 2 or 3 little porn magazines hidden, not quite hidden for a teenager ! lol   Well, at the cinema, I stayed for 10 minutes & left disgusted. I returned home sick ! And pucked ! Who could imagine that this little boy one day would became a PMO addict !

In the 80's & 90's to be gay here in my country was not something very easy. The fear of being recognized. (I'm not a crazy fag...lol)  I like to be a man. Dress, walk & talk like a man. Because I'm just an usual man. I don't like effeminate people, and never felt the need to be so. But the libido was there, as the guilt. At that time, I didn't accept my sexual orientation. That was changed when I fall in love - a kind and beatiful love - with my second boyfriend, at my 30 years old. So I decided to revealing this to my family. And they accepted so fine.

The several times that I was single, for the above reasons & fears I started some pernicious behaviours: PMO, PMO, PMO, and when I was 26 - (yes, you read right) - I was virgin. And PMO were no more enough. So I went to the gay saunas (sick now just for remember), and promiscuous sex: truckers, taxi drivers, masons, the supermarket bathroom and etcetera. The libido was repressed by many  many years.... and so.... all that fucking bullshit happends.
Well, is unnecessary to say that after everyone of this behaviors I felt bad. Bad, very bad. Guilt, justbelieve, incomprehension, sad...etc.

Let me tell you how it worked:  I looked some few porn movies in my computer & the libido grew up so hard and strongly that I cannot control me. And run to a sauna, or a high risk situation as get in on the night like a "hunter".

At last almost ten years, since I found my wonderful partner, I never more did anyone of those things. Except.... yes ! PMO.

In reserarching this matter, I found the video and ebook. Now, the forum.  And it all made sense for me. All, all of this !!!

I want to tell you that I'm feeling accompanied by all of you. I'd like to ask from the deep of my heart that my sexual orientation does not mean any kind of barrier between you and me. I'm a man like the most of you, the most of my friends are straights, and I don't have sexual fantasies or feel attraction to anyone. Forgive me, but was necessary for me leave it well explained.

I'm hopeful - now in my fifth day - that the method, the forum, and especially the host of each of you will help me to become a new man, proud and without conflicts and addictions.

Thanks to everyone

Albert

First questions: 

1 -  fear about hackers or computer technicians could read later my posts
2 - I in several times prefered PMO (especially MO) to curb my own libido and don't run the risk of give in a temptation and be unfaithful
  First attempt

Albert

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 17
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2014, 12:00:16 PM »
And forgot to mention some important date: THE TIME !!! had lost hours, hours, days, weeks in: PMO, fantasies, searchings. etc. Lots of time !
  First attempt

Albert

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 17
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2014, 11:50:15 AM »
Where are you ? No one reply my post ?
Tomorrow my FIRST WEEK without PMO !
  First attempt

Havetodothis40

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 118
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2014, 12:34:00 PM »
Albert, Congrats on the 6 days!

You are doing great.

Albert

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 17
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2014, 12:46:55 PM »
Thank you, Havetodothis40 !
  First attempt

Albert

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 17
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2014, 09:21:09 AM »
Hi FRIENDS !

I can't believe !  my first week ! In my first attempt.

Can someone tell me what differences may I feel in 10-15 days ?

  First attempt

horpio

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2014, 07:37:00 PM »
Hi Albert

I share and have empathy with many of your experiences. Welcome to the forum, it's gonna help you a lot. Don't worry about the sexuality issue, on this forum we share the same trouble and challenges from a PMO perspective, no matter whether we're Gay, Straight or Bi. But I think predominantly straight guys use the forum. However, we all need help.

 
Can someone tell me what differences may I feel in 10-15 days ?
I think it differs from person to person. Best if you write the difference you experience up in your journal. People will read and reply with their own experiences.
From my own personal experience, I made one important change. Previously when I tried to give up gay porn, I never considered giving up masturbation as well. When I discovered this forum, I saw many guys suggest giving up MO too. So, that's what I decided to do. So far I've been having a smooth ride. I haven't had a desire to go back to porn and when I feel like MO, I quickly remember my decision and resist it. When I wake up at night with wood or get up in the morning with it, I resist the urge to wank off.
If you want to read about the possible differences you can feel, I suggest you read  journals and also look at Gabe Deem's videos and listen to some of the pod-casts or radio broadcasts you'll find on  http://yourbrainonporn.com/ That should answer your question.

Good luck, I'll make a point of reading your journal from now on.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2014, 08:10:15 PM by horpio »

Albert

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 17
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2014, 07:49:32 AM »
Hello Horpio. So much great to read your post. Yes, this forum is really helping me.  Before I start my reboot, I read enough to decide include MO in the reboot. So, yesterday I had my first sexual contact after my beggining. And how could I imagine that - yes - something is gonna change yet !!!  I have retarded ejaculation, and yesterday I felt really really better. The sensibility was not the same, and I get my "O" much more quickly.
Horpio, during this week I'll read and listen this things that you have suggested me.
Thank you.
Best wishes.
  First attempt

horpio

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2014, 08:55:23 PM »
There you go Albert, already positive signs. I think it will only get better moving forward.

Albert

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 17
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2014, 12:50:47 PM »
Hey friends I'm in doubt. Must I reset my counter ? Too much fantasies, thinking about sex almost all the time. In a few moments ago, in my job, I thought about to buy some toys in the sex shop. How stupid I am ! For God sakes. Although I now have more clarity, I acessed one sexshop's website for 2 or 3 minutes. No P. No M, No O. Just look some toys and closed the page.   Now I don't know if it's honest to read my counter saying 18 days or if I must reset it. What do you think about this ?   Thank you.
  First attempt

Poker

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 383
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2014, 12:01:57 AM »
Hi Albert.....  Its not so much about the counter.  Its about your recovery.  Resetting it, or not, does not change the effects of your experience today on your recovery one way or the other.

Since you did not PMO....  I would leave the counter as is myself.  And again, the real focus is on your recovery.  I personally consider the fact that you caught yourself to be a victory of sorts.

Cheers,

p.

horpio

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #11 on: November 19, 2014, 06:56:36 PM »
Hey
Since you did not PMO....  I would leave the counter as is myself.  And again, the real focus is on your recovery.  I personally consider the fact that you caught yourself to be a victory of sorts.
I agree with Poker. Good luck Albert. In the end you have to feel comfortable with what you do. There is always the option to adjust your counter's goal.

icanbeatthis

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 59
  • Personal Text
    Life without porn is better than life with porn
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #12 on: November 19, 2014, 07:52:41 PM »
Hi Albert, firstly as someone else said, orientation means nothing. I am straight but can understand how you feel. I am now over 4 months free of porn. I have MO three times and are not proud of that. My wife is none the wiser that i come here or that i have a porn addiction. I am working thru it all. I keep or try to keep myself busy and fill my life and times i used to waste on porn with better things!! Come here often and read and post. I find that if i miss coming here, i will mess up so need to come here often. The flames warm you when you are closest!! I used to engage in dangerous liaisons with people, and have dabbled in minor gay stuff at times (MO in public with others). I still find it tempting to go to my local beach and swim nude and that puts me in the way of temptation to MO and engage in dodgy stuff. I have to fight that temptation every day and do so, some days better than others but i find hope in that i have beaten porn for so long, i can beat that. All the best and enjoy life, its no dress rehersal!

Jaystock

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 278
  • Personal Text
    jaystock
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2014, 01:14:31 AM »
Welcome  Albert.
We don't care about if your straight  or gay, we are all here to get better.

horpio

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: My history - my journal
« Reply #14 on: November 26, 2014, 05:43:24 PM »
How are you Albert? Check in and let us know. We're in this together.