Author Topic: relapses and types of relapses  (Read 1100 times)

DeltaFosAware

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relapses and types of relapses
« on: November 05, 2014, 10:42:11 AM »
No specific need of details here but PMO yesterday for a mater of minutes and a five knuckle shuffle. Been PMOless for many many weeks. Quite sexual urge less as well. Fits quite nicely with my partner because she's not feeling I that much either. Which quite rankle is normally fine by me! My standard joke is that we can have our Horlicks and cuddle up in bed! We always cuddle by he way and Inacually LOVE touching her. Jus touching her hips as I feel asleep last night. Not really all that sexual but I just LOVE the shape. I touched my own fla hips as well, to compare and it was just so good feeling that curve in right that spot on her...Noticed that this was all TACTILE mot like the porn 'eye sex'. In the 'eye sex" you only get you feeling you and it's over in an instance...Even after ages with NO PMO the old network must not have died, because you can NOT 'relax, don't do it, when you wanna come....' Sorry Frankie that, with PMO is an aboslute FAIL...

I ask about type of relapse too because this was not a 'binge relapse.' I know full well a few years back the binge would have been until the early hours. I'ld have been closing the screen down (having seriously cleared the history until about before Pontious was Pilot) and sneaking into bed by the ex-Wife at about 4am, ready to work the next eight hour day starting at eight! Working the day would have been guilt filled and there'd be he constant desire to kill the guilt with....Yes, you've guessed it...MORE PMO!

It's like saying nothing cures the guilt of shooting up like another needle in the already infected arm. In fact, even when you know you have blood poisoning, your kidneys are shot and your brain is turning to mush, you know even more, that you still have to score! Addiction is a real bitch! That PMO fluid be sweets, fags, booze, gambling, hookers, driving at 120 mph until you are killed or you kill somebody...Honestly, Imdont think your brain chemistry minds...The old Delta Fos builds up there and bingo, your circuits are completed! Time for a ride...

So maybe the single PMO dud not rapidly lead to a binge because the Delta Fos was less. A bit like saying the store was pretty much out of stock, the boss told you to restock but you only brought the one carton of tuna and when the boss got mad at you you told him to go a do one! Not only that but you walked off the job and he fired you, shouting you were useless anyway!

Could I be on the right track about types of relapse. You see Inam alone as I type this and even saying the words PMO in my head is just making me grin! Imhavevthis image of me just walking off the job last night and its so funny! I can see a sort of imaginary face looking so surprised, so shocked, so astounded and so disbelieving, it cracks me up...Am I somehow seeing 'the old me and the new me' both at the same time? Is the Phoenix kicking up its own ash and soaring high above all over again...Was victory so,amazing compared to defeat, I am not a victory addict, not a defeated defeatist? I wonder.

As for my partner we are just open about the whole thing. Impossible with the ex wife of 18 years. No chance, not a hope, not a prayer, not a snow flakes....So hiding it was almost FUN, know there"s nothing Imhave to hide so,no chance of fun there and suddenly I have this open minded truly beautiful woman who is not a sexual prude, like wife number one. I know she knows I hardly do this at all. No issues with her having that knowledge or knowing when I DO PMO. I am not the old me in the slightest but I guess I still want the old me gone for good. I don't want the curiosity of missing that self because that's what happens sometimes. In an instance the 'curiosity of missing' gets me to PMO...The life time stand by, thevoldestof friends, almost the cradle companion, and I drop them a line now and then...Perhaps Immust need to mentally loose their address, FOREVER!

Now ladies and gentlemen, will that EVER happen?
« Last Edit: November 05, 2014, 08:02:30 PM by DeltaFosAware »