Author Topic: 2heal's Journal  (Read 17618 times)

unchained

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #25 on: November 06, 2014, 08:26:30 PM »
1st two weeks (or so) were the hardest.  You are doing great.  Don't try to white knuckle this thing...take a breath and read some success stories.  Ybop has more than you can shake a stick at.

Hang in there.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-accounts

I like reading all of the rebooting accounts.

2heal

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #26 on: November 06, 2014, 09:19:46 PM »
Thanks horpio, unchained, for the encouragement.  Made it through one more day.  I've been porn free for 107 days now,  I've just really got to work on the MO to see if that will help speed the healing.  I guess I should have said 'now, MO is not an option...now, MO is not an option.  I sure hope I see some results.  You guys keep me encouraged.  I think I'll take your advise, unchained, and read some of those rebooting accounts.


horpio

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #27 on: November 07, 2014, 07:56:54 PM »
Good luck 2H, don't always have something to say but I'm quietly supporting ok!

2heal

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #28 on: November 08, 2014, 01:31:29 PM »
Sigh...one step back.  Now, onward.  Three steps forward.  I will not beat myself up about it.  I will learn from it and try harder.


horpio

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #29 on: November 08, 2014, 07:51:38 PM »
Onwards ever. That's how we climb a mountain. We might slip and slide backwards, but never beyond the point from where we started. We're making progress, even if it's only a small step at a time.

2heal

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #30 on: November 08, 2014, 11:27:55 PM »
Thanks, horpio.  I needed that. :-[


horpio

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #31 on: November 09, 2014, 05:08:11 PM »
You're welcome 2heal, we're here for each other. You're doing great.

2heal

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #32 on: November 11, 2014, 07:15:50 PM »
I almost gave in.  I almost blew it.  I even had the porn pulled up and playing.  I stopped myself.  "What the hell am I doing?"  I shut it off.  That was on Sunday.  I guess that's the 'chaser' after MO on Saturday.  This is so aggravating.  Sometimes I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to do it.  If only I could see some results.  The only thing I've seen is the return of night/morning wood.  I tried to talk to a trusted friend about it and he thinks this is crazy - 'that's what happens when you read'.  He doesn't believe this at all.  I want so bad to be able to rid myself of ED, I feel desperate.  I'm going to continue on.  Thanks for the encouragement guys.


unchained

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #33 on: November 11, 2014, 09:36:30 PM »
Good job.  I know it's frustrating to you that you allowed yourself to get that close to slipping, but good job walking away.

Whenever I let it get that far I cannot stop.  You exercised your frontal cortex muscle and made it stronger.

savingmysoul

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #34 on: November 12, 2014, 02:09:56 PM »
Hang in there 2Heal,

you were able to overcome the urge, and you found your strength.

those of us suffering with PIED know all too well how desparate we can be looking for any sign of improvement.  And when there is only failure, it is tough to stay on purpose.  I also can tell you this is very real - Over 315 days for me and I too am desparate for signs of lasting improvement.  You and I need to hold onto the hope that there is a better future.  Now, I have been able to stay away from the P & M with little effort - filling my time with healthy and positive activities and emotions. 

You are not alone on this journey - the best advice I could give you is to try and relax this is going to take as long as it takes.  Noone is the same. 

I believe we will get there - to a healthy and fullfilling place. 

Find your strength, grab and hold on.

SMS

horpio

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #35 on: November 12, 2014, 09:34:01 PM »
Hey buddy, good on you for standing strong, I don't think I would've been able to stop at that point.
Then...
Sometimes I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to do it.  If only I could see some results.  The only thing I've seen is the return of night/morning wood.  I tried to talk to a trusted friend about it and he thinks this is crazy...  He doesn't believe this at all.
Of course you are able to do this. If other guys could do it, then you and I can too. The wood is a sure sign that there's improvement, isn't it? As long as YOU believe that this will work then it doesn't matter what others say. We are not all the same, other guys might find our challenges easy to deal with, but they are OUR challenges, not theirs.   
Hang in there  :)

2heal

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #36 on: November 13, 2014, 08:18:26 PM »
Thank you, guys.  You have no idea how much your support means to me.  Every word of encouragement helps keep me here.  Keeps me trying - which we all know is the only way to beat this.  SMS, your last post really opened my eyes.  It sunk in, finally, that this might take awhile.  I have had some really strong night wood, which I hope is a sign that things are getting better.  Before my divorce, I had several 'failures'.  I think the worry of another failure made it a self fulfilling prophecy.  Now, I'm not sure how much of my problem is PIED and how much of it is due to anxiety.  I fear failure and I'm afraid it's causing my failure - whether I've 'healed' or not.  I've actually gone 110 days now without PMO (counter doesn't reflect that - I just started the counter recently).  Reading how far SMS has come makes it hit home...this could be awhile. But the outcome is going to be worth it.  Regardless of whether it is still PIED or not, I'm going to continue on, day by day.  Porn is no longer an option.  Horpio, unchained, thank you, brothers.  You keep me on the path.


horpio

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #37 on: November 14, 2014, 07:00:39 PM »
You're welcome
Before my divorce, I had several 'failures'.  I think the worry of another failure made it a self fulfilling prophecy.
Wise words, it could well be a reason. Relax  8) You can overcome this worry too.

2heal

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #38 on: November 20, 2014, 06:29:15 PM »
OK, a little update.  I have gone 117 days without PMO.  MO, I'm not doing so well.  I seem to give in after a week or two.  I'm working on it though.  I had a return of occasional morning wood after stopping PMO and it's getting more frequent.  I've read where some say it's a sign of improvement and some say it doesn't really mean that much.  Anyway, here's what happened.  I messed up two evenings in a row with MO.  Not proud of it, but it happened.  Normally I will not have a return of morning wood for a few days after MO.  After two evenings in a row of MO, I woke up this morning with strong morning wood.  I don't know if it does or doesn't mean anything, but it sure gave me a boost...just a little bit on encouragement.  Maybe I'm on my way?... I hope.


unchained

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #39 on: November 21, 2014, 08:00:33 AM »
Good work.  Stay away from porn and let the healing take care of itself.

2heal

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #40 on: November 21, 2014, 11:47:35 PM »
Thanks, unchained.  I think I'm really going to have to work on MO as well.  I think it's slowing my progress down.  I've been 118 days without PMO and no signs of healing, except, like I mentioned before, having major morning wood the morning after MO.  That was a pleasant surprise.


horpio

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #41 on: November 25, 2014, 04:57:29 AM »
Hi 2H
I think I'm really going to have to work on MO as well.  I think it's slowing my progress down.

I support your intention. Giving up MO made all the difference for me. Once I MO'd, it always seemed to lead me back to PMO. Good luck to you. 

lyon03

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #42 on: November 25, 2014, 12:14:16 PM »
Wow. This is a really encouraging journal. Thanks for sharing. Perhaps it's time to shake things up a bit. Have you thought about stopping MO altogether? Maybe this would change your focus. You're writing almost exclusively about your d*ck, when perhaps you should focus on being a better person. Rather than obsessing about morning wood, boners, and performance, none of which ever find themselves into anyone's eulogy or on their gravestone, strive to be the best person you can. This helped me a lot. Many others have mentioned it's more fulfilling to build a life outside of porn, something I'm trying to do now, rather than obsess about NOT watching. So focus more on your soul than your junk. I salute your courage and support you 100%. We're all in this together brother.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2014, 12:16:30 PM by lyon03 »

savingmysoul

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #43 on: November 26, 2014, 03:23:06 PM »
I would second what lyon03 is saying. 

Focus more on the person you wish to be, that you know you can be.  Focus less on what you are trying to forgo such as the PMO.  Reconstruct yourself, one day at a time, one positive activity at a time.  You will start to feel the emotion that comes with these new positive behaviors and believe me they will start to replace the negative ones associated with P from your past.  It takes some time, but remember - it is going to take as long as it takes.

Hang in there -

Have a safe holiday/weekend.

SMS

2heal

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #44 on: November 30, 2014, 12:08:27 PM »
Thanks, Lyon and SMS.  I think I know where you are coming from and I know you are right.  Yes, it probably does appear that this is all I think about.  I guess I'm just afraid and desperate.  I believe it's what destroyed my marriage and I'm afraid to even look for another relationship while I've still got this problem.  I stopped the PMO and I'm really working at stopping the MO as well.  Even though it comes across that I'm obsessing with my d***, I'm really just looking for a sign that things are getting better. It helps me to look for others on here in the same situation that I can relate to and read about.  This site has been a big help to me.  Yes, I do need to work on being the best person I can be.   Thanks, guys.


lyon03

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #45 on: November 30, 2014, 12:44:44 PM »
Well said brother. Don't dwell on your failures and failings. Focus on the positive and when you can't: FAKE IT! Read, chat, paint, play, exercise and get off your computer (says he writing on a computer). Had I focused on my shriveled and lifeless d*ck of just 12 days ago, I would have jumped off a bridge. But this website taught me that was flatline. When I hooked up with my boyfriend earlier this week, had I just focused on my boner and orgasm like during any PMO session, I would have overlooked the fun of connecting with someone intimately. There will be ups and downs but that's all part of this journey. So understand your proud erections are coming back some day. So focus on who you want to be until that blessed day. Be well and strong brother. We're all cheering for you (and your penis). 

Jaystock

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #46 on: November 30, 2014, 07:32:39 PM »
I'm not real good at these posting. I'm 43, I've been watching  porn since I was about16. I can relate  to everything  you guys are posting. Thank you all so much for telling  you stories. You've all given  me hope.

horpio

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #47 on: December 01, 2014, 05:39:40 PM »
Hi 2h
Thanks for being open and honest and acceptive of others' advice. Our d**** are the main actors in our struggle, so no wonder they take center stage. You ARE making progress. Just keep at it and believe in your progress. All the best.

2heal

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #48 on: December 03, 2014, 08:48:07 PM »
Hey guys, thanks for checking in.  I'm still hanging in there.  PMO is something I'm finding fairly easy to avoid at this point.  MO, well, I'm working on it.  I'm almost at 2 weeks now, which seems to be where I've given in, in the past.  I'm working real hard at avoiding it altogether, so hopefully, that won't happen.  I'm trying to direct my energy to my health, exercising more.  That does feel good and is a good substitution for those bad habits.  Porn and MO are not options...


unchained

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Re: 2heal's Journal
« Reply #49 on: December 03, 2014, 09:53:48 PM »
Way to go.  I've been little weak on the MO side too.  In some ways I see how it keeps me in danger of slipping.  I'm with you in thinking that it may need to be severely limited in order to make greater strides forward.