My Journey

I have decided to start journaling because I believe it is important in my progression.  So last Saturday marked 3ish weeks for me of no PMO.  This is a long time for me coming as I have been battling this addiction on and off for years.  It wasn't until after college that I realized I might have an issue as I found myself rushing to my room to view porn after work.  I read something online about the addictive qualities of it that I seemed to fit the mold of.  This is when my slow and often painful journey of trying to beat this began. 

Fast forward five years I have been promoted and changed jobs a few times, I now have a market hours highly demanding job, I got married, I bought a house and a new car.  So from the outside it would appear that my life is in great order.  However I have only half heatedly tried to beat this addiction and that's why after five years my longest and most recent stint has been 23 days.  Everything has changed with my new job though.  Due it's demanding nature I can no longer afford to go to work hungover as used to be able to.  And I realize that I am at a point where my future is on the line.  So I have stepped up my effort in a big way. 

Some thing I have changed in the last few months is giving up TV and really cutting back internet usage.  I tried doing some of the internet filters a while back but just found myself trying to hack my way to anything arousing which meant more time edging.  Working out and finding a hobby (not on the computer) has also helped a bit.  Sleep is very important as well.  I also have practiced meditation during times of great temptation and the walk away tactic both of which can really help.  This whole thing though is all about practice and strengthening your rational brain to make decisions instead following our innate programming.  Another thing I have noticed is drinking.  Trying to beat this addiction while drinking even on occasion is tough.  When you are buzzed or drunk your rational brain is much more likely to yield to your primal instinct which in our cases happens to be PMO.  Time and time again I will be out for a happy hour or just have a couple drinks and be feeling super confident and relaxed and when I come home and I am alone an urge just pops up in my mind to search a word or something that will create a strong enough trigger to get me to relapse and my sober rational is just half a step behind. 

This is what happened tonight and it only took 5 minutes.  So here I am relapsed after 5 minutes.  This sucks.  So now I suppose I get to go through all the fun withdrawals/headaches all over again.  At this point all I can do is not binge and leave it to the 5 minute mistake.  Maybe my brain has rewired itself to the point where a small slip won't create a complete start over.  I just don't know.  One thing I have learned is that to beat this you can never be comfortable, you cannot allow your brain any flexibility, you always have to be on guard. Your brain is like a puppy or 2 year old.  If your brain misbehaves and you don't do anything to correct you have already lost because now your brain knows that it can get away with just enough and you won't do anything about it.  It weird to think about your brain this way but it really is about the training.  Any ways I am going to try to get a lot of sleep tonight exercise tomorrow, get some affection time with the wifey cause affection promotes good chemicals in your brain. And hopefully after all that I won't have fallen too far back.

Appreciate the support here.  I think this is really critical to all our learning and progress.  Sometimes when I feel strong urges I love reading blogs on this site.  They really are encouraging even just to know that none of us are alone

Day One is done.  No issues today thank god.  I really tried focusing in on eliminating any and all fantasies the moment I even get the sense my brain wants to create one. Seemed to work well.  I also went for a run today which felt great.  I have been really bad over the last year when it comes to exercising.  That is something I definitely want to change while beating this addiction. I really appreciate the advise on this site such as filling in the void left behind with healthy activities.  I watched the brain training vids on YBOP site, super helpful.  I had some mild anxiety which might be my brain recovering from yesterday's relapse or it might just be me being anxious about work tomorrow. 

I am starting to really believe in the daily journaling. Don't know why I didn't start doing this a long time ago.  I think it's really going to help.  Thanks all for the support.  The support and experience shared on this site is really amazing, the stories are all different but at the same time all similar.  Nice to know that there others in the same situation. 

I plan to write each day.

I am glad that you are getting value out of the journaling process. It has been really valuable for me, too.  ;D

Day 2 is done
Today went well.  No issues with PMO.  No real temptations/urges.  I felt really good at work today very productive and alert.  Not really a whole lot to report here.  Still not going to let my guard down.  Just trying to quickly eliminate any fantasies before they have a chance to develop.  I realize that this not just about staring at pixels but it's also a battle to rebalance dopamine levels and fantasies can only create havoc to my brain.

CrazyGopher - thanks for your support.  I couldn't agree more with you.

Good job man, one day at a time.

I'm starting over too, this is Day 1 for me.  We've got this.

Day 3 is done.

Worked a super long day today.  Tired as hell. No real temptation and I had good focus through the day.  Not that there wasn't any temptation to at least fantasize today but I really didn't have the desire to.  Watched Thursday night football and of course noticed the cheerleaders but just tried to keep it to noticing only.  I have to say when you are as susceptible to triggers as I can be you have to be damn careful about what you watch on tv.  I have another long work day tomorrow then the weekend.  Going to get tons of sleep tonight.


Streichert. -  you are right one day at a time sometimes it's one moment at a time.  Thanks for the encouragement. 

Day 4 done -

Sorry I didn't post last night.  It would have been too much for me at the time to go on my computer and submit a post.  Day 4 was kind of tough.  It started with anxiety at work from 6 - 9 am.  I was able to get it under control with steady focused breathing.  I also drank a bunch of water, which I believe helped.  Work was super busy but luckily the anxiety seemed to dissipate after 9 am. I had a good overall day at work more energy and focus and confidence. Also I guess I am lucky being as slammed at work as I am everyday cause it doesn't afford much time for any distracting thoughts.  Last night I went out to dinner and I felt myself really attracted to our waitress.  But I did my best not to pay too much attention to it.  I have noticed just how easy it is for fantasies and old porn scenes to fill my brain at any given moment triggered by just a random girl I am attracted too.  Does anybody have a solution to deal with the library of crap that is stored in our brains?  Most of the time I am hit with strong fantasies either just before I go to sleep or as I am waking up.  That seems to be the worst time for it.  During the day I can more easily shut them down.  Noticed some pretty strong morning wood this morning.  Maybe it was due to my brains want of fantasies or some sort of stimulation.  Again these support sites are saving me cause it's place to go to for that additional encouragement.  There is a rhythm or learned ritual to how my brain is trying to stimulate or trigger itself.  It usually starts with someone or something during the day that I saw that created an initial excitement.  Then my brain will either try to insert that image into some stored porn scene in my head or it will begin thinking of words or phrases that I can use in a search engine to further trigger myself or extend a fantasy. All of this has been practiced and learned.  As I deal with this I try to rationalize it all.  Try to uncover why my brain is doing it (thanks YBOP).  I also try to humanize people I find attractive trying to see who they are as a person instead of just how they look. It's all strange and weird as we unwire our brains but hopefully there is clarity at the end of it.

Sorry to hear that you relapsed. However, you seem to have taken a lot out of that experience and I enjoy reading your posts.
I definitely go along with the thesis that being a rational and genuinely non-superficial human being is extremely difficult and you have to strive for it every day. But, as you say, it is just as rewarding as it is difficult.
Looking forward to read your journal entries!

Day 5 is done -

I made it through Day 5.  I definitely felt tired and restless at least for the first half of the day.  I woke up Saturday a big foggy with a headache.  I popped a couple Advil and had a coffee and that seemed to work.  Mood wise I felt flat most of the day.  Just real lazy. 

Saturday night I went out with a few friends.  It was a pretty tame night.  I had to drive so I didn't drink much at all.  I noticed that I felt more confident and extroverted while I was out. But strangely I didn't need to be the center of attention.  I was happy to listen and meet new people as well.  However I was hit with quite a bit of temptation at the second bar.  Just as we were leaving I made a dash to the bathroom and as soon as I stepped in I noticed the owner of the bar had wallpapered the men's bathroom in old-school soft core porn.  Just what I needed, a mountain of temptation during my reboot.  I have to admit I looked at the pictures it would have been near impossible to avert my eyes.  The pictures gave me a half-salute and we're flying around my head for a while after.  However I did my best to shut them out.  I actually had to pray for strength to not fap or search any porn once I was alone later that night.  One thing that gave me more strength during these strong cravings was to realize that rebooting is bigger than just me.  In addition to freeing ourselves it's also about inspiring others and creating hope that if I can do this anyone can.  That is the true power of this blog.  We inspire each other.  We are no longer just fighting for ourselves but for our brotherhood, for men everywhere, in this forum and in our communities.  It's bigger than ourselves.  So I went home and went to bed no fapping no searching, no fantasizing.

Hi FreedomInFull!

FreedomInFull said:

But strangely I didn't need to be the center of attention.  I was happy to listen and meet new people as well.

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That's so true man. After about 2 years of fighting the addiction I realized that being out of PMO thoughts makes you self-confident and you don't need to be in the center of attention to be strong. Our strength lays in our minds and we have to take care of it as to be a real man.

FreedomInFull said:

We inspire each other.  We are no longer just fighting for ourselves but for our brotherhood, for men everywhere, in this forum and in our communities.  It's bigger than ourselves.  So I went home and went to bed no fapping no searching, no fantasizing.

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I like that. Men are in the hole of temptations, losing their real value. Let's show the world what means being free of sick cravings. That's how a manhood feels like.

All the best!

Day 6 & 7 are done -

It's been a long couple days.  I've been a little behind posting.  My brain does feel like it is beginning to balance out.  Withdrawals have lessened.  Although the cravings have been strong.  I get triggered by everything and anything.  Hopefully these fade with time.  The worst is when a trigger causes a porn memory to flash back.  I just keep telling myself that I am never going to PMO again.  This chapter of my life is over.  It's funny half my brain is beginning to recognize the benefits of a balanced brain and the other half is begging for stimulation.  It's the constant battle.  I can't forget to practice meditation and just walking away when needed.  More to come.

From my experience and from experience of the others that I've read about, the strong cravings are fading in time - how fast it depends on the person, but it is like 1 month to feel the significant difference. You got good attitude, as far as you are conscious about the "good half" of the brain you are able to win this war, not only the battles. Stay strong because it's definitely worth it. Getting rid of the addiction is the best thing we can do for out minds.

Thanks for keeping us posted, we're cheering you on.  That would have been way hard for me to resist after the bathroom incident.

How are you doing, FreedomInFull?