Author Topic: Let's rewire. This time for real.  (Read 23568 times)

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #50 on: December 01, 2014, 09:18:22 AM »
[Day 62]

Today I've hit 2 months! I'm planning on a lot of improvements, as in that I will continue to work-out which I do 2 times per week.
As the brain fog is slowly disappearing (sadly and returning from time to time) I'm going to be more strict on myself with doing my homework so I have more free time in the evening.
This free time will not be spend on chances to relapse of course, maybe work out more but in general I'll find something.

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #51 on: December 02, 2014, 03:10:00 PM »
[Day 63]

Awful day, had a headache, my bowels hurt, feeling very tired and just depressed.
I don't know what's going on with me, yesterday I was so super positive and nothing could bother me. Today all of that just went down the drain, no sign of optimism here, on top of that I'm extremely moody and tired. As soon as I got home from school I just went straight to bed, I've slept until even my mother had finished her dinner and woke me to eat something. Now it's 9PM and I still have to do all my homework, I might just let some slip but I must do most of it as some important tests are coming. It makes me rather emotional and stressed. My brain is even questioning the reboot, that's why I know I must hold on even more but it's really difficult in these dark times.

pmohead

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #52 on: December 02, 2014, 05:10:15 PM »
Very encouraging words man, it's nice to see that you've hit 2 months, congrats!!

You know... when everything's allright it's so easy to reboot. It's the bad days which make the difference between relapsing or being a winner. You can do it!!
This is my 2nd day without PMO since last relapse, yesterday was a great day and today I was deeply depressed as you. My best mark has been 20 days without PMO and I can remember in a few of them I was depressed.
It's completely normal, you are rewiring, your brain is suffering withdrawal and that's stressful and painful. Your brain wants you to keep hooked; but your life needs the opposite. KEEP STRONG.

I'm sure you already know that, but I usually try to remember this thoughts on dark times and dark days, and it's always nice to hear it from a different person.

Cheers!!

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #53 on: December 04, 2014, 12:29:11 PM »
[Day 65]

Feeling really depressed, school isn't going well and I feel misunderstood there. My mood is just going down the drain, even almost relapsed but I managed not to. Just took a shower to get rid off the temptation and to clear my mind but the sadness isn't fading.
Nothing is cheering me up, today we had mentor class with my mentor and fellow students to have a talk how everyone was doing and studies etc etc.
Usually I'm kind of active there but today I didn't smile at anything, nor felt the need to. Maybe I'm quite happy my mentor didn't ask me to stay, I wouldn't have wanted anyway.. I thought about talking to my social worker, but due past experiences I'd rather not. Besides that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling him what I expect my depression is coming from, I've already made myself look like a fool before, I highly doubt he will take me serious nor would I have the balls to tell someone in real life. Even as I decided to accept help, I can't get myself to receive any, I just feel like a sore loser. I know I even hit past 2 months of no PMO and I should be proud but I'm not. I'm at the moment where I could just burst in tears and suicide on my mind all the time. I just can't get out of it, even if I would want to. I have no energy, nor motivation and my grades are just dropping. Messing up my finals is the last thing I would want to but I feel like I can't really do a lot about it at this moment. Maybe I should just drop out of school but I don't know what I would do after that, just work? Feel even more like a loser? I would love a girlfriend but I just feel like such a failure I wouldn't even dare to try. I don't know how to go on, I will keep my head straight about rebooting but my motivation to even live on is terribly low. I've even been thinking about death, I'm quite afraid there will be nothing after it, how would that be? Like if I could remember anything before this, nope I can't nor anyone can. I don't believe in a heaven nor hell don't try to convince me I'm not religious. to me it's just a way of letting people be more calm when they're passing away in stead of freaking out that everything will be over for real.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2014, 12:33:58 PM by Innocence »

datkid93

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #54 on: December 05, 2014, 10:50:19 AM »
Wow man I feel your pain. Letc it be known that the depression probably is an indicator that your on the right way to recovery.  I too and really fucking up in school I really don't have motivation to really do anything I can't bring myself to study or anything. I dont even enjoy hanging out or going out with my friends I just rather be by myself at times now. Although my mood mentally isn't depressed I myself am more depressed at where I stand with my reboot and as to whether I can get where I want to be. I get constsnt thoughts about my sexuality and havent forgotten it in anyway if anything i feel luke its gotten worse.  I feel awful knowing where I have brought myself and refuse to  accept this as the person where I want to be but rn the road to recovery looks extremely daunting for me. I remember for me at least I wanted to improve my image and take better care of myself to be more appealing to girls but given that's not what Im wired to at the moment I just don't eben see the point I haven't even been taking care of myself like I used to. I just don't know...i too have had sui dial thoughts but knowing how many more people I'd hurt doing it leaves me unable to even consider it. I hate myself rn and feel totally lost man I honestly try to sleep the day away when I can bc in my dreams I'm away from my strUggel but at times it is even present there. I just wish I could go back if there a fucking reset button or something to do it all over again but there isn't just gotta makevery day better than the last at this point is all we can do at this point....
« Last Edit: December 05, 2014, 10:54:22 AM by datkid93 »

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #55 on: December 06, 2014, 05:56:32 AM »
Wow man I feel your pain. Let it be known that the depression probably is an indicator that your on the right way to recovery.  I too and really fucking up in school I really don't have motivation to really do anything I can't bring myself to study or anything. I don't even enjoy hanging out or going out with my friends I just rather be by myself at times now. Although my mood mentally isn't depressed I myself am more depressed at where I stand with my reboot and as to whether I can get where I want to be. I get constsnt thoughts about my sexuality and havent forgotten it in anyway if anything i feel like its gotten worse.  I feel awful knowing where I have brought myself and refuse to  accept this as the person where I want to be but rn the road to recovery looks extremely daunting for me. I remember for me at least I wanted to improve my image and take better care of myself to be more appealing to girls but given that's not what Im wired to at the moment I just don't even see the point I haven't even been taking care of myself like I used to. I just don't know...i too have had sui dial thoughts but knowing how many more people I'd hurt doing it leaves me unable to even consider it. I hate myself rn and feel totally lost man I honestly try to sleep the day away when I can bc in my dreams I'm away from my strUggel but at times it is even present there. I just wish I could go back if there a fucking reset button or something to do it all over again but there isn't just gotta makevery day better than the last at this point is all we can do at this point....

Thank you for your inspirational words and making me feel not alone in this. I really hope you'll feel better very soon and just keep in mind that in the end it was all worth it.
We're just in a huge struggle at the moment, but we will get through!
Keep strong buddy!

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #56 on: December 06, 2014, 06:10:19 AM »
[Day 67]

As it couldn't get any worse, as my old iPhone 4s was about to break down, I've quit smoking and I hit 2 months of no PMO I rewarded myself with the iPhone 6.
Mainly because I quit with smoking I can actually afford it, but last night, I cracked the screen. It kept me awake almost the entire night feeling really depressed.
I already know it's probably going to cost around 300 euros, can you believe that, such a big price for a screen?! I'm completely devastated, but I guess that's life.
On the other side, what strange was that I felt really depressed and my brains were seeking for a dopamine high, of course that's what you do when you feel like you've hit the bottom.
The thing was, my brain wasn't telling me to PMO, I was searching for other things, which I personally see as a really great improvement, just the fact that I had alcohol and nicotine in my mind wasn't very great. I think I should be happy that it happened in the night so there was no way to get alcohol nor nicotine so I managed to get through the night even though I barley slept..


Edit: So, I turned in my phone at the store and I probably won't have it for like 14 days. Well FML, now I can't even read my e-books nor the news comfortably in my bed. This really sucks, but I guess I'll have no other choice..
« Last Edit: December 06, 2014, 09:55:29 AM by Innocence »

TheAntagonist

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #57 on: December 07, 2014, 10:18:21 AM »
maybe a little too late but gratz on reaching 2 months
since you started about 20 days before me, i see u as my role model, whenever the urge to fap come, i say to myself "i'm not gonna lose to innocence, if he can do it i can too"
keep going strong bro, i'm with you !

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #58 on: December 07, 2014, 10:29:57 AM »
maybe a little too late but gratz on reaching 2 months
since you started about 20 days before me, i see u as my role model, whenever the urge to fap come, i say to myself "i'm not gonna lose to innocence, if he can do it i can too"
keep going strong bro, i'm with you !

This genuinely made me smile, I feel really honored to be your role model!
Thank you for that and I believe you can do it too!

Stay strong bud!

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #59 on: December 07, 2014, 05:03:07 PM »
[Day 68]

Lots of mood swings today, no motivation to do whatsoever but I did work on my homework an hour. It's not a lot but if I look back, it's pretty decent for what I used to do in dark times.
I've also been noticing over the past few days that my morning wood is starting to return more often so I'm pretty glad about that!
At the moment I'm just feeling a bit down with a headache and been feeling quite sick this entire afternoon. I hope I'll feel better tomorrow because I don't want to miss classes nor skip going to the gym again.

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #60 on: December 08, 2014, 10:08:49 AM »
[Day 69]

Urges are nowhere to find, but still feeling a bit sick. Got my vitamine D medicine from the general partioner and I hope it will clear my depression a bit because I had a lack of vitamine D in my blood.
Let's see how it goes!

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #61 on: December 10, 2014, 08:45:36 AM »
[Day 71]

Still a bit frustrated with my iPhone still being in repairs, it sure is taking a bit long.
Well not long but I just don't like waiting.
My reboot isn't really that much on my mind anymore, I don't find it hard not toPMO, but I maybe should be a bit more careful around the internet what I do and shouldn't see.
I'm not talking about P but more random pictures or videos uploaded to sites like 9gag.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2014, 09:08:52 AM by Innocence »

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #62 on: December 11, 2014, 02:15:24 PM »
[Day 72]

Feeling rather weak, been a little sick again and been stressing a lot over school.
It's just too much to handle, I don't know if I will get through this year.
On the plus side I'm still taking vitamine D pills and it helps to brighten up the mood, but I can't help to feel so weak during the day nor even to get shit done.
Today I received the bill for repairing my iPhone, freaking €300 but I will get a new phone so that's better than paying €800.
Just have to wait until somewhere next week to receive it, service isn't too great urg.
No PMO is still going good, I'm just too down/weak to feel anything positive about it but I have more morning wood and random boners.

Recovery101

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #63 on: December 12, 2014, 02:46:36 AM »
Hang in there man! I know you can get through this. You've motivated me and I'm here to return the favor and lend some support. -Rec101

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #64 on: December 12, 2014, 01:48:54 PM »
Hang in there man! I know you can get through this. You've motivated me and I'm here to return the favor and lend some support. -Rec101

Thanks for your support man, saw you gave it another chance again!

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #65 on: December 12, 2014, 01:51:33 PM »
[Day 73]

Today I've been feeling a lot better, been working out again and it felt pretty good to be active again.
Something special did happen today, as a (girl) friend of mine offered me a hug and of course I gave her a hug but suddenly..
That feeling I hadn't felt for years, I suddenly had a bit of a warm feeling in my chest, of course it was rather small but the fact that I got it really means to me this reboot is making big progress.
Getting warm feelings again, morning wood returned most of the time so I'm really seeing progress and I'm really happy about it.
Besides that, if I'm lucky my iPhone will be repaired by tomorrow and back in the store. The costs are still the same but I'll at least have my phone back!

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #66 on: December 14, 2014, 03:33:40 PM »
[Day 75]

Slept pretty bad last night, just couldn't get into sleep and had a big of an argument with a close friend.
Luckily it was solved but today I had no energy, even slept an hour with music on.
Got nothing done today, pretty annoyed by that but tomorrow is another day!

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #67 on: December 15, 2014, 01:12:30 PM »
[Day 76]

School work is truly killing me, there's so much to do and I feel like I can't keep up.
I will do my best with what I can and will fight for it.
Besides that I've been feeling pretty excited about a friend of my father's who arrange a day I could join him at his work.
It's meant for that I can see what it's really like and if it's something for me. I hope I can built the confidence the face the people as it's also a lot of social work that he's doing.
The positive side to this is that I will get to know what I'm learning for and that I can get a clear view of what it is about.
Can't help myself to over think about it, would I need a suit or are some regular clothes which look slightly formal be good too?
Guess I will have to find that out.

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #68 on: December 19, 2014, 07:02:41 AM »
[Day 79]

Due triggers I will replace potential triggers with NSFW material.

Lately I've been rather sick, haven't gone to the gym in a bit and I'm feeling quite awful.
Even worse, I'm feel like a horny freak.
I think it's because I exposed myself to too much triggers, for example talking to a friend who had quite some exposing pictures, I felt awful about it afterwards because I send me craving to NSFW material. My brain kept going on with: "Wouldn't you like to see some NSFW and feel really good?" Even when I had no masturbation in mind it kept trying to get me to that, I didn't visit any P sites but it kept my mind occupied for so much. I might blame it on myself for being in my room too much and allowing myself to talk to this girl. Even though she might not realize that her pictures might be quite exposing my brain was just trying to NSFW material from her. I didn't try/ask her and nor did I receive any. I'm really glad she didn't go to teasing me because before my reboot she did a lot. I personally believe before my reboot my morals have saved me a lot. Even though I had been watching porn of the age of 11 I never really went to the super kinky stuff. When I got bored of a gender I just switched to another genre, another race, another body part that was being focused you name it. I never really viewed really kinky stuff, to me it was just morally wrong. I can't go around that sometimes I was afraid it was turning me on but I said to myself that it was disgusting or/and weird. Therefor I think I did save myself from a lot of trouble.

As of the last few days I've been feeling like a horny freak like I mentioned, it made me see that I should take my reboot much more serious as I've been slacking off with everything I was doing. I've been trying to quit cigarettes and before I knew I was smoking more than I used to afterwards. My diet turned into a joke, even yesterday I ate food I actually was allergic too and I don't feel too great about that either. I've even been skipping school because I saw a way to, not very proud of either. Even my reboot got a little bit the finger, I didn't watch P but I didn't close myself off from edgy material as I used to. When I started to realize what I was doing I stopped talking to that girl, smoked my last cigarette and took a long shower. Showers have always been a thing for me to put my head to rest and just get into a deep-thinking calm state. It also gave me the insight and inspiration to write this journal entry, as I haven't been a lot on the forums.

I even started to read the YBOP e-book again, as it had helped me so much and motivated me a great deal in the beginning of my reboot. I didn't PMO but it feels like I have been set back quite a bit. Not sure if I should count it as a relapse but I will think that through.

Stay strong everyone!   

The320Pilot

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #69 on: December 22, 2014, 01:55:15 AM »
Please do NOT PMO when you reach 120 days. Continue ahead! Try to find something that brightens up your mood! I really hope you can get out of this period of sadness and into a period of joy.
 :)



Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #70 on: December 22, 2014, 10:11:30 AM »
[Relapse]

I'm sorry guys, yesterday night day 81 I relapsed.
I was talking with a girl I've been talking to for a little while, we're also going to meet tomorrow but she was in the mood and dragged me a long.
It's clear that I really like this girl, she was teasing me a little with what we were going to do as she is staying over at my place.
From one thing came another, and so did I. Today I feel like the biggest loser ever. I gave up my 81 day reboot because I couldn't control myself.
I still remember how it felt, like I mentioned earlier, I felt like a horny freak, but it felt okay because it was with a girl I really like.
If I look back at yesterday I had wished I would have just gone to sleep earlier or at least controlled the urge but her picture just made me crazy.

I'm truly sorry for the people I've been an example to, who I have inspired.  I truly hope you guys will not fall like I did and surpass me.
However, I will not give up, I may have relapsed but I haven't lost the battle.

The320Pilot

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #71 on: December 22, 2014, 10:54:11 AM »
If you say you relapsed, that means to me that you had an orgasm. I don't think, however, you should've had reseted your counter. If you did not MO to P, I don't think that's an issue. Part of the rebooting process involves getting in touch with women.

Or I may have simply misunderstood the entire last post. Whatever. I'm proud that you could get 81 days without PMO. The longest I've been without MO is one week and without P since Dec 4.
« Last Edit: December 22, 2014, 11:31:45 AM by The320Pilot »



Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #72 on: December 22, 2014, 11:02:05 AM »
If you say you relapsed, that means to me that you had an orgasm. I don't think, however, you should've had reseted your counter. If you did not MO to P, I don't thinks that's an issue. Part of the rebooting process involves getting in touch with women.

Or I may have simply misunderstood the entire last post. Whatever. I'm proud that you could get 81 days without PMO. The longest I've been without MO is one week and without P since Dec 4.

I MO'ed so that's enough for me to say I didn't do a good job.
If she was with me then it would be another story.

Thank you for understanding though.

Recovery101

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #73 on: December 24, 2014, 03:35:46 AM »
"Why do we fall innocence?" "So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." -Batman Begins  Lol as you can see I'm a big movie fan. Don't be down man. Everybody stumbles and falls. I mean have you read my journal?!? Lol. Dude you're one of the people I look up to one this site for support. You've been with me on my reboot since Day 1, and to that I say thank you. It's only right that I return the favor. Go easy on yourself, you've made it 81 days! That more than I would ever accomplish. Don't worry man, you'll beat your record again. I know you can overcome this addiction. -Rec101

Innocence

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Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
« Reply #74 on: December 24, 2014, 08:28:34 AM »
[Day 2]

I'm completely broken, yesterday (until today) I had a girl come over. I had met her over the internet, was madly in love with her but it didn't work out.
It felt so right to me, we just had this click and on top of that she wanted to stay over as she lives pretty far away.
We cuddled, kissed and even had sex which made me think she was in love with me too but, sadly she didn't want to have a boyfriend yet...
She was just looking for the benefits and normally I wouldn't mind but this girl had my heart and as she left I feel like crying but I can't..