Author Topic: I need to do this.  (Read 1038 times)

aquarius25

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #25 on: September 02, 2020, 04:49:15 PM »
Hey there, I am the wife of an addict. I wanted to offer a perspective form the other side of this. You seem to be really wanting to make this relationship work and I really commend you for being able to tell a few people in your life.

Coming clean is really difficult. My husband and I struggled with this a lot. I would really suggest the two of you sit down and set some boundaries around disclosure. Also since you do have a few people in your life who know and care about you and want to see you get better have you considered asking about an accountability partner? Your partner can't be your accountability partner. She is dealing with her own emotions and hurt and frankly is too close to this. You need someone who you can be open with about her and the difficulties you are having. I would recommend you connect daily with your AP (accountability partner). Doesn't have to be a long convo but just a simple did you look at porn or porn subs? Were you tempted? If yes what was happening then and what was the trigger? Someone who you can text if you are feeling tempted and they can be encouraging and keep you accountable.

As far as boundary setting an example that my husband and I now have is that he tells me everything that he can think of that is needing disclosure. If he forgot something than when he remembers it he discloses it. If he has a relapse or feels triggered he discloses and answers my questions. That gives me the chance learn as much detail as I am ready for instead of him questioning how much to tell me. Also he has 48hrs to disclose in. I understand the head wrestle that he goes through (he is a huge compartmentalizer as well but has come a long way!) and I know he needs time to go through that. Also I want to set him up for success in the ability to be honest and breaking through the fear. By asking him to tell me right away, if he is scared and trying to get the nerve and I stumble onto it before he can tell me than he feels defeated and I just feel more lies. It doesn't help anyone, so giving him a window of time to process allows him time to make a good choice. If disclosure comes after 48 hrs or if I find something and he didn't tell me then we have consequences. They are things that I have said I need to help me feel safe and secure in our marriage. Like him sleeping on the couch if he didn't disclose in the time window, or if he lied he needs to stay somewhere else until I feel ready to work at this again. We agree no matter where he sleeps we must talk daily about this until we feel better about the situation. Also we share an icloud acc and now a facebook acc. I see every photo taken on his phone and I see all his messages (and he sees all of mine since fair is fair). When home I have permission to look at his phone anytime I want, and he can look at mine. We both keep open and transparent. O and read together. That was so huge for us! Love you, Hate porn was such a great book! It gave us a language to work though and was really helpful

THose are just a few of the things that helped us a ton. I would encourage you to show your partner the partners forum. Also if you ever want to ask questions about anything I mentioned feel free. My hubby comes on here every once in a while. He is metal22. Our d-day was over 3 yrs ago. He struggled with PIED huge but has recovered. He was clean 3 yrs and then had a relapse during quarantine this year. We are back on track and doing better. It is possible to make your relationship work but it is not easy. Sorry for the long post and it is meant to be encouraging but if you don't want a partners perspective on your journal let me know and I won't post here no offense taken at all. I just recognized a heart that wanted to make a relationship work and as someone who has and is there I am happy to encourage as best I can.

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #26 on: September 03, 2020, 11:17:41 AM »
@Imsorrynotsorry. Yeah it's quite surprising how the reach the P and dopamine loops have got.
Already deleted Instagram off my phone and going to be doing the same with Facebook and its messenger service.
Yeah i been getting a fair amount of headaches. Well i would say it's pretty constant but like for now its fairly light compared to other times when it feels consuming.

@Aquarius.
Thanks for replying and glad to hear you and your partner are still together. During his early reboot days how would you say the moodswings were?
One of my besties was going to be my accountability for a blocker app on my phone but sadly the app was fair crap so my partner managed to sort something else out although it wasn't easy. My mate has been checking up on my but I think you are right I should message them daily.
We have gone through what we class as cheating and unhealthy behaviour. I am trying to take my time answering the more difficult questions rather than having the addiction speak for me. Yesterday morning was a bit of a setback sadly.
My partner is already on the the forum and has been active in the partners section.
Thank you for giving me your perspective.

Today I have done my first ever counselling session. We did it at home over Zoom and I was surprised at how nervous I really was before hand. It was good obviously didn't just click their fingers and ta da! I was cured but it did feel good and I will be continuing with sessions.

Been trying to read up more on cognitive dissonance. I feel like my belief is to treat everyone equally and fair but as pointed I have been using many people to get images/get my high and then just abandoning/ghosting them.

I been thinking back to about 8 years ago when i started sub contracting for the firm I was with before lockdown. Looking back there were times I was really down. Like deep pit of despair down. I would take days off on occasions just cause i felt like i couldn't face going in. I also got my first Smartphone early on starting this job so I think possibly I started getting deeper into these dopamine loops and it just escalated. I guess. it really helped with my repression of my "bad feelings"

This is all I can think to type right now in this moment of time.

DAY 8 NO P

Still cheering you on.


aquarius25

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #27 on: September 03, 2020, 07:32:03 PM »
Glad to hear she is on the forum and getting support as well. Being a partner can be really difficult as well. This addiction isn't easy for anyone. As far as my husbands mood in the beginning I will say that we was pretty depressed. It took a bit for him to come out of it. The first month was awful! After that it went in swings. He would have a good few days but then a bad couple. By the end of the third month his mood wasn't all over the place. I will also say that my mood was pretty sad too so in no way was I a shining example of healthy mental capacity, lol.

Fappy

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #28 on: September 03, 2020, 07:44:42 PM »
Hi,
as other posters have said, its fantastic that you have such a supportive partner. thats going to be a great help!
others arent so lucky, their partners just heap more shame on them and do nothing to help. dont offer support either moral or sexual, and just treat the whole thing with disgust and loathing.
its also fantastic that your partner has also joined the forum, together with the excellent advice you can get here youre sure to kick this addiction in the balls!
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #29 on: September 04, 2020, 02:15:23 PM »
@aquarius25. Yeah Sadly I had a rage fit last night which I am ashamed of. Will go into more detail in my update.

@Fappy. I am lucky although right now I don't feel I deserve her.

Yesterday evening my partner was being really quiet. I tried to hug her and got shrugged off. Tried to speak and would only get 1 or 2 word answers. We cleaned the rat cage together and still not much talking. I thought she must of wanted space so I tried to give it to her. I did my post on here then i spent sometime reading "The Porn Trap". She cooked a really tasty chicken and chorizo combination for dinner which i told her how nice it was.
We continued not really speaking while i was reading and she was on her tablet which some netflix on in the background. This was broken when she asked me what's with this weird mood and why was I ignoring her?
I explained I thought she wanted space and why I would of thought that. We also discussed some of her concerns of my family "never going to forgive her" that they are going to hate her for not seeing them during this time. I told her that they love her and she is an important part of the family. After chatting for awhile things seemed a bit calmer and we watched tv till bed.
As we brushed our teeth we were chatting about things to do with what i was doing P related during lockdown. We went to bed but it wasn't long till she got up and went to the other room. I wasn't sure what was going on so I got up to check. She was stood there silent with her head in hands. I tried to console her. This is went things get a bit blurry. I think she was saying I admitted not needing to come to P related stuff stuff during lockdown cause we were having regular sex was me admitting that it was sex related. My brain took this as an attack and I lost it. I am not sure exactly what i said but i said some horrible things. I punched and dented a wall in our bedroom. She was in tears screaming. I realised I fucked up and tried to apologise. She left the house I was freaking out I threw some clothes on and went after her. I actually ran. We spoke. She really thinks we should have some time apart as we our both going through different processes and they are not mixing well. I don't want to be without. I want to go to sleep and wake up with her everyday. I love her.
She said she would walk around the block and then come back. I wanted to walk with her but she wanted to be on her own. I went home and waited for her to return in bed. She came home and we spoke some more. Spoke more about having sometime apart. I really don't want to. We ended up cuddling and having sex before going to sleep.

In the middle of the night (or possibly just 1 hour later) I am half awake and we are doing things again. Half sleep sex happens from time to time. She asked me this morning though if i would that was a P urge thing.  I like to think it isn't and that it's just something that we do.

Leaving for work was hard this morning. My fiancee was panicking about being able to cope. I tried to console her but I had to go to work.
We exchanged some messages about my behaviour last night. I have been feeling really shitty as I have been so selfish in my recovery that I haven't really stopped to fully grasp the pain and trauma that I have caused her.
Her world has been turned upside down and yet she is still loving and supporting the cause of her pain. I will never be able to thank her enough but i hope we get through this and i get the chance to try.

We have spoke again and right now things don't seem bad between us. The pain and hurt is there but we have been able to smile and crack jokes. My favourite moments are always with her.

Day 9 no P

Merry Friday to you all.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #30 on: September 05, 2020, 04:22:21 PM »
Good to hear you both rearranged things in the end.

For the partners of addicts there is no rule that defines the social fairness. Addictions are always socially unfair for partners, friends, family. It's not your fault, it's the way it is and it will get better, but our partners are choosing or have choosed to be with us in this fight against this addiction. They do this because they love us and we fight because we love them. This must not be forgotten.

I can totally understand that you want to answer her questions, but this leads to some other problems in your relationship. Question-answer leads to blame and explanation. This is not how relationships work, because this shrinks the place for trust. Long term, this must be improved.
For a point in the future, mayber after this stormy period, it is helpful to find time and place to speak about P addiction. This is helpful in different ways. She can adress her questions when you're ready for it and it protects certain events from the 'it's the addiction'-suspicion. Talking about such a complex thing before going to bed is guaranteed to end up in a mess.
I suggest once a week for about an hour. For all other things there is counselling or RN. If she wants her questions to be answered, she can create an account in the forum aswell.

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #31 on: September 06, 2020, 07:58:44 AM »
@imsorrynotsorry

I can totally understand that you want to answer her questions, but this leads to some other problems in your relationship. Question-answer leads to blame and explanation. This is not how relationships work, because this shrinks the place for trust. Long term, this must be improved.

I believe the question and answer dynamic is actually helping improve the trust in the relationship. I have answered some hard questions that I knew she wouldn't like the answer to build up my honesty and properly connect to her.
We speak about the P addiction most days and I believe we both find it helpful. Last week was very hard as we kept finding how deep the addiction went. Today was the first day she looked at my phone without something new being thrown into the mix. Thursday was a bad day for me and my head. I realise this was the addiction fucking with me and will be vigilant in recognising these feelings and not letting them take control.
Down the line after I have done some work on myself in counselling we are going to do counselling together.
She already has an account and been posting on the partners section.

Right now for update. Yesterday was a good day. I was suppose to go visit my Gran but she wasn't feeling so great gave it a miss this week. (she hates being made a fuss of). Normally me and my partner go together but at the moment decided not to do family things as a couple while we work things out.

My Fiancee wanted to go visit her parents and I went to Morrisons to do the weekly shop. I walked down and had the first Biffy Clyro album playing on my Ipod. Haven't listened to that album for so long. It really does seem like music is hitting me with more power now. It's nice.

I did the shop and realised there was no way I could carry it all back so I phoned my partner up and she came down to get me. While I waited I realised I forgot the Pizza's that she wanted for later that evening.
I was going to my mates house that evening and their partner was coming to ours.

After sorting out the shopping at home I went on my laptop reading posts on here while my partner read "Love you, Hate Porn" (thanks for the suggestion Aquarius25).

I have found reading the amount of relapse cases on here quite concerning and it did put my mood down for a while. I had to retreat from the forum for a bit and tried a bit of gaming (greedfall on ps4). I ended up pausing the game to tell my partner how I was feeling. It was a good talk. We really feel like true honesty and connection is key for this. I know within myself I got this. I don't want to leave room for excuses. I will beat this. I have control.
She found a folder for "Smart Recovery" that she had from her old work which seems good and a more realistic approach to recovery than 12 steps so I will be working through that sometime.
After talking I went back to my game and it was quite nice to escape reality even if just for a little while.

When evening came we did our social time with our friends as mentioned earlier. I was good to speak face to face with my mate. He made us burritos and chatted as well as watching old school wrestling on his projector. Was the 1998 deadly games survivor series where Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson first won the wwf/e title. It was a fun time.

This morning we slept in. It was good to properly sleep in and cuddle. Think we are both feeling anxious about the coming week but as I said to her I think we have worked out how to communicate through this better now.
We both have done some of the bullshit boring housework stuff now and I plan on cooking a very tasty dinner. Paprika Pork with chorizo.
I think that is all I got to say right now but hope everyone is well and having a lovely Sunday.

Day 11 NO P

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #32 on: September 07, 2020, 11:54:09 AM »
Merry Monday everyone. Hope you are healthy and doing well with your recovery.

I have been feeling easily agitated most the day. My partner was not feeling secure this morning and I did not handle it as well as I should of. In person or via text. I think we are at a better place now after speaking on the phone earlier. Been looking at Betrayal Trauma and she is definitely showing signs of that. She really feels she cannot cope with all this and that she is going to end up losing her job. I need to stop being so selfish about my own recovery and be there for her fully during this.

Coming home today I was feeling quite anxious. Last week I hung around my parents for a bit after work to avoid the old bad habit routine of PMO. Today was first day of coming home normal time after work.
I  gave the ratties a grape each and did the dishes from last while watching some youtube videos on retro wrestling stuff. Also was
exchanging messages with one of my friends in my RPG games group.

I had a soak in the bath while watching a lets play of SKYRIM by Many a true nerd.
Feeling quite relaxed.
My partner has gone out after her work with a couple of collegues to discuss what has been going on lately. They know things are not good.

Going to read some other posts on here now.

day 12 no p

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #33 on: September 07, 2020, 04:03:01 PM »
It's not nice to read what's not good right now and i hope your partner will find her way through this. We, you, me and all others, we believe in our recovery for good. To even try to fight against it is a positive thing. I'll again come up with the idea of cutting time to talk about PMO-topics to a certain amount. If this was the reason why your partner isn't feeling secure anymore?

I can tell you there are hundreds of ways to overcome this and she must not doubt anything because of that. Maybe you both should hold on more to what is good right now, like the cooking and all.

Wish you the best

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #34 on: September 10, 2020, 02:05:19 PM »
@imsorrynotsorry.
It got pretty bad again but we have spoke and had a nice evening yesterday. We are learning how to communicate and navigate through this.

So it's been a few days since my last update.

I have had some weird feelings at times the last few days which I know understand to be cravings. Monday evening they got stronger and stronger and made me feel really uncomfortable and my chest heavy. Luckily playing with the rats helped distract me long enough till my partner came home from being out with her colleagues.

We spoke that evening and I answered some questions although I did lie first of all. Still got to work on this honesty.
We went to bed that night calmly and slept well.

Next day was bad twice. I kept a friendship basically compartmentalised away from her with and old school friend who I have slept with in the past. She herself is an addict and has been in and out of AA the last year or so.
I have mentioned this friend before but my partner did not know how often we were messaging and had phone calls on occasion.
I honestly feel like this is a friendship and I do not know why i kept it so compartmentalised.
My Fiancee seems to be suffering from betrayal Trauma and Tuesday night it got really bad. She kept wanting to speak about it although I felt i answered her question to the best of my ability. I said I don't think this friendship is unhealthy behaviour but give me a month to think it through. I am off instagram which i used to communicate with my friend. The conversation got heated. Very heated and for a little while it seemed like my fiancee wasn't really there.
She has since said in her mind she was listening but it wasn't going in. Her mind basically convinced her i was one of her ex's.
She can't remember a lot of what she said that night.
We eventually went to sleep but the next morning she was really panicky. I wasn't sure what to do. I had to go to work.
As I was on my way she called me crying. I could not make out what was being said. She hung up. I kept trying to call her that morning. Called her work mobile to see if it was on and ended up speaking to someone at her office just to check she has signed in. I was worried that something bad had happened with the radio silence. She ended up messaging me and we ended up having a good chat on the phone.
We have since decided no serious conversations over text as it easily can get confused with what tone things are meant in.

When I was walking home I felt the sickness talking to me it seemed. It seemed to romanticise porn use. It was really trying to sell the idea to me by saying how its harmless and its a great stress reliever. I did not give in to these thoughts. 
When I got home we ended up chatting some more, We spoke about our feelings and our behaviour lately. I also told her about my brain trying to play tricks on me. We spoke till my phone started making a strange noise. It was my counsellor. I got my days mixed up but yeah had my 2nd counselling session. It was good. Glad I am doing them.
We ended up having a lovely evening. My Partner cooked a lovely spag bog and we chilled with the rats out. I gamed for a bit as well. We were close and had lovely cuddles as well. We both really needed that evening. We went to bed early and both slept really well.

Today nothing really of note. We messaged and spoke on the phone which went well.
Had some cravings while I was walking home again but resisted again. I shook it off and checked my phone for messages from my partner. I ended up sending her a suggestive message. It went down well. When I got home I ended up cleaning out the rat cage, doing some vacuuming cleaning and preparing dinner. I started typing this out and had some tedtalks  about pornography on youtube playing.
When she came home we spoke and we were intimate. I won't go into too much detail as don't want to trigger anyone!
I finished dinner and we ate. She checked my phone and was happy with results :).
Now I am finishing this we are having a nice evening and going to get the rats out in a bit :).

Hope everyone is well.

DAY 15 NO P

joe_ireland

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #35 on: September 11, 2020, 04:34:53 AM »
Hey Chris,
Just reading through your journal and wow, it seems that you really are struggling with alot of things at the moment. It cant be easy. It must be very difficult situation in particular with your partner at the moment, but, if you manage to work through this issue together, this could be a period for you to enter into a deeper, more genuine relationship. Your whole mental attitude will certainly improve the longer you stay off it. God bless you both.
From your last post on how your mind is 'romantising' porn- thats something I understand. Its trying to trick you, that it would be ok in moderation, and then before you know it you are back at square one. Don't listen to it!

aquarius25

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #36 on: September 11, 2020, 08:34:35 AM »
Chris, glad you got the book. One thing that my husband and I did that was huge for us was we read the books and work through them together. We would each read a chapter and about 3 times a week in the evening we would discuss it together and talk about anything that came up for us. I would journal about it, my husband not so much lol he isn't a journal'er and that is ok. It gave us a path to process slowly and in a way that lead to healing and health. It also gave us a common language to use. That is important because often I find that people will be arguing the same point but they use different wording to describe their point, lol, people are funny. So reading the same books together give wording and context that builds a common language. At the end of every discussion we would say 3 things we love and look forward to about each other. This is really really important. For myself when I focus on the past I feel a lot of hurt and resentment build. my husband tends to get filled with regret and shame. However, when we are looking forward we see hope, possibility and new. Listing things we love about the other person reminded us why we are doing this and it keeps us motivated and committed to the relationship. After a big discussion when you feel really raw ending on a positive note is really good.

It is not easy and there is a lot of hurt but I am so glad to see that you both are keeping at it! This will make your relationship stronger for sure! I know for myself I am not sorry or regretful about any of it now. I am glad that we are working through this and honestly this has made our relationship better than it ever was before. It is certainly not perfect and we still have our ups and downs but it is much better than anything I could have imagined! It is worth it!!! Keep up the good work!

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #37 on: September 11, 2020, 12:45:41 PM »
@joe_ireland Thanks for reading and posting :). Yeah I am being vigilant on ignoring that part of my brain. I know it's trying to lure me back and I wont let it get me again.

@aquarius25 hey yeah my Partner has started reading it on her tablet and yeah think we are gonna try reading it together so we can discuss it :). We both seem to be in a calmer place at the moment but know we are not out of the woods yet. We both really want this to work and both going to keep on working through it. I know I am very lucky to have her. I am also thankful to know that we have people like you out there who have been through this and are very much still together.

Fabulous frigging Friday Everyone!

Man this working week has been hard! Physically feel ruined! (lots of sledgehammer usage and concrete breakers this week).

I have been reading more on mindfulness and been doing little short sessions of it during the day today when had the chance and find it to be pretty helpful! Me and my Partner are on about doing mindfulness sessions before bed as well.

I feel like I will probably do a more in depth post in the next day or so :).

Hope everyone has a great start to their weekends!

DAY 16 NO P

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #38 on: September 13, 2020, 07:31:03 AM »
Hey everybody. Hope your weekends are treating you kindly and managing to keep your eyes and minds away from P.

Friday evening while I was doing my post's I have some TED TALKS about porn addiction on in the back ground. One of  them "The Porn Paradox" by Megan Johnson stood out to me so I rewatched it giving my full attention alongside my fiancee. She was still considering being a casual porn user still but this video changed her mind. The video explains how Porn use contributes to the supply and demand of sex trafficking. I really recommend watching. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU9v8h_OwcY&ab_channel=TEDxTalks


Saturday I did a coffee morning with my gran as it was her Birthday a few days before. 94 years old now!
My fiancee did not attend as we feel best not to do family things during this time of healing so told my Gran a little white lie about her having work commitments.
I am looking forward to when we can get to the point where we can do family things together again.

When we reunited back home we spoke for a while. It's been good learning to communicate again. Taking our time and remaining calm. We spoke about times I used sex workers in a the past (in my early to mid 20's). This also links back to the tedtalk I linked earlier as during this phase I was mainly looking at Asian porn so they were the sort of woman I were visiting. In hindsight a lot if not all of them were trafficked. The shame manifested itself in the deep sharp headache again. We spoke about the loneliness, shame  and embarrassment I felt back then as PIED affected me a lot.  We spoke about how I managed to stop that as i realised this "was fucked" but ended up going deeper into thinks like KIK and buying images.

I suggested on Friday that we should do a little date night on Saturday and that is what we did. We went to our favourite Burger Joint in our city. It's very 90's retro themed and does awesome burgers and milkshakes. Definitely ate too much but we had a good time. Was our first time out doing something like that since before Lockdown. We went to a coffee shop afterwards before going home. When we got home we got in our pjs chilled on the sofa with the rats while we watched Black Mirror. Season 3 episode 3 "Shut up and Dance" really stood out to me as I felt like the majority of the "victims" in that episode are all porn addictions sufferers. If you haven't seen I recommend watching it.

This morning my partner woke up feeling sad again. We spoke some more. I feel like we are connecting more and more. We were intimate again.

Nothing to report cravings wise but I haven't really been on my own. I find the worse time for them is walking home after work and being home alone. I remember times walking home and browsing the porn subs on reddit. It was fucked.

Today on the food front I have prepared a joint of pork with a home made seasoning mix to slow cook and make into a pulled pork later and my partner has prepared a red kidney bean salad which looks rank but is frigging gorgeous.

We are going to have a nice relaxing Sunday. Have the rats out later and eat some delicious food. We also plan on reading "hate you love porn" together and discuss chapter 1.

I shall end this here but remember I am cheering you all on.
Much Love.

DAY 18 NO P
 

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #39 on: September 14, 2020, 02:56:56 PM »
Today was not a good head day.

Yesterday I looked at my Facebook while my fiancee was in the room to look at changing my email address for it. I saw the amount of notifications on there and I guess they stayed on my mind. My fiancee did not realise that i was keeping off facebook currently but I told I was keeping away from it for now.
Today I went on it Twice. Once to check my notifications and the second just to browse before I stopped myself.

I was feeling anxious and sketchy. My body was physically failing me today as well. I have not mentioned this before but I have had issues with the nerves in my neck running down my right arm/hand. I get numb tingly feelings, spasms, loss of grip/strength as well as shooting pains. My arm was bad today and I felt like I had shooting pains running down my back. Not good anything but while trying to plaster a ceiling even worse. I am sure the pain was really there but I do wonder if my brain was jumping on it trying to play tricks on me. To make me give in.

I called my fiancee to speak. I told her I was in pain and feeling very anxious as well. We spoke about me going on facebook. I told her my password so she can check that I only did what I said I did.
I felt calmer after the chat but the anxiety was still there.

After work I got home and did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. I showered and tried to play some Skyrim but I felt the anxiety and the cravings rise. It made me feel awful. I quit gaming. Put on a tedtalk and played with the rats for a bit.
My partner came home and I told her How I was feeling. We went upstairs and spoke for a while.
I felt bad for being so weak and told her I felt like an imposter. I wanted to be a strong happy man. She comforted and loved me. I love her.
I feel we are growing closer again and she is pleased that I am really opening up to her. Telling when I am feeling bad rather than just holding it all inside and numbing it with P and all things P related.

I feel my brain is a bit fried so I will leave it here for today.

DAY 19 NO P

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #40 on: September 16, 2020, 01:54:19 PM »
Yesterday I was still not feeling amazing. Not in as much pain and I was calmer.

My fiancee had her counselling and she was very quiet afterwards. I held her and spoke to her and spoke more about the addiction. She asked me more questions I answered. One of the questions she asked was was I masturbating in secret while she was home. She has asked this a few times (not sure how many times) in the last few weeks. I admitted that I did.
We went to bed and before we went to sleep she reminded me that I have still been lying. This obviously played on her mind cause I woke up this morning and she was gone. She was on the sofa.
We spoke briefly before I went to work. Text's that were exchanged before I started work made it clear she wasn't happy. I phoned her when I had the chance. She was angry, she told me how lying is still leaving the door open to addiction. How I was still choosing it. She told me how it has set back a lot of the good work that I have done. She explained how me saying sorry means nothing. I said i know my words meant nothing and I had to show her I was sorry and I really wanted to work on getting my self better.
She told me I was going to have to tell her something that she doesn't have to pry out of me. She is fucked off with having to ask me things multiple times in multiple ways till she asks it just the right way to get the answers she is looking for.
I thought hard. It was triggering. I had flashes of many memories.
On the way home I was full on brain fog. Felt trapped in a bubble. My brain was in full on panic mode.
When i got home I gave the rats some grapes then went upstairs. She was working from home on this day. I asked if she could speak. I told her that I didn't stop seeing sex workers in my mid twenties but I went from Asian woman to Asian Transgender (then just transgender) sex workers (and 1 white guy) who I got to have sex with me. The last one I saw I think was about 4 months before I met my partner. I have no seen any since but I have browsed the listings on birchplace.

We spoke some more and I confessed to her that the friend she was worried about that I hid the scale of the friendship I had a stage of being obsessed with her years ago after being pushed away.

My urges and cravings have been strong today. I have had many flashes of porn and past experiences. I still have not used though.

I had my 3rd counselling session. I was hard but good. My counsellor felt like it was our best session so far. I cried a few times. I feel like as we get deeper this is really going to help.

I don't feel good right now. My fiancee is out and I don't know if I will be sleeping here the next few nights. We will discuss that when she gets back.
We are renewing our tenancy on the house tomorrow. I know things are rocky but we still need this house as home base if we are going to survive. I told her if I end up having to move out for good I would still make sure rent is paid.

I need to get better. I need to be honest.

Going to start ranking how I am feeling at the end of these as well.

Day 21 no P.
Feeling right now 2/5. Not full on despair right now but deep shame and brain fog. Right arm has shooting pains and numbness in hand.

I think this is the longest I have ever gone without P


imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #41 on: September 16, 2020, 03:41:11 PM »
Hey chris,

i respect your honesty and i sense true commitment to this. I won't talk much about the honesty part, you know my position on this.

Like you said, it's rocky. All the talking brings back memories and someone who hasn't been an addict, your fiancee, will never really understand what that means and what it makes with us. Therefore i plea to look more in the future and less in the past. All the details about who you have when seen, what does it contribute to you getting better?
Negative emotions and thoughts multiply and there must be a point where the past in detail doesn't matter anymore. Maybe like today, i think i can understand how you feel and i think the often you both talk about the negative aspects of the past, the more often you both feel negative.

From addiction perspective we get more vulnerable in these states of being. It's easier to hold on to the reboot when there are positive moods around.

Your streak is good, hold on to it.

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #42 on: September 18, 2020, 12:00:30 PM »
@imsorrynotsorry

Thanks for replying and I am holding onto this streak.
I know things have been bad right now but that is due to the fact that I was still being dishonest. I disclosed more stuff that did bring up pain and the past but I had to be done to try and rebuild this bridge.
I need to train my brain to stop being able to look her in the eye and lie.

UPDATE

I have slept at my parents the last few nights. Me and my partner have still been spending time together on the evenings so we can speak and have food.
Not sharing a bed with her is horrible. I think I must of been searching for her during the first night as I nearly fell out of the single bed a couple of times. I did not have a great nights first sleep.
The second night I slept solidly. I was exhausted and I still feel it. Think I have a cold starting.

Had a strange couple of hours yesterday. I popped to my parents and we found an injured Fox on their lawn. It was horrible. Half their face was missing and was filled with flies. I phoned the RSPCA and had to go through a load of options before I spoke to someone. I spoke to someone and after going through the details said I would be put onto the dispatch team. It was about hour and a half till dispatch team phoned me and said they were about half an hour away. during all this I kept an eye on the fox. Followed them round the garden and tried to give them water. They ended up hiding under the van. I thought they died so i tapped something on the floor gently to see if they reacted. They did. I spoke softly to them to try and reassure them.
When they guy from dispatch team came he caught the fox. He observed it and said he didn't want to transport the fox to somewhere else just for them to be put down. He wanted to end their suffering as quickly and as humanely as possible. The fox died before he could. I had a cry.
I thought if I stayed with the fox and watched over them I could save it. I felt this was a chance at redemption. Silly I know.

Today was a weird day at work. We started later and was flat out all day. It was manic. I had a few messages from my partner that i quickly glanced over but didn't have time to reply to. Ended up having more messages and I made her really worried. I tried to call her when I had the chance as wanted not to text as wanted her to hear my tone.
She ended up calling back after awhile and we spoke.
I was worried about how things would be when we were together back at home but it's been really nice.

I feel like there is more but my mind is struggling.

DAY 23 NO P

Feeling Brain foggy and ill but happy with how me and my partner are interacting with my partner.
3/5. be a 4 if not feeling ill.


Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #43 on: September 19, 2020, 08:25:23 AM »
Apologies if offends but need to get this off my chest and out my brain.

So SOMEONE posted on my partners post on this forum. We have each others usernames and permission to read each others posts as trying to be 100% open and honest. My partner has said she would understand if I didn't want her to read my journal and change my username and what not but I want to let her in and not push her away.

This post has really played on my partners mind and put her in a dark place. She told me about as she held me tight. She has also received a private message from another member saying to basically ignore this post but I am finding it hard to do so.

"It looks to me like your partner is only quitting porn because he is afraid you will find out and be angry at him. Until he decides that porn is bad for him he will not quit."

Yes I admit my guilt and shame at being caught rather than confessing but I have tried to quit many many times over the years by myself and failed which would fuel me with more shame and feed the need to use P.
I know porn is bad for me. I know it has rewired my brain to seek these dopamine loops. I know it has made me go within myself and not truly open up to people. I know it was and has affected my ability to perform over the years. Starting with Premature ejactulation till I trained myself to last longer to porn so I either had PIED or could not O during sex. The best most successful sex I have ever had is with my partner. I know that my brain has trained me to lie, lie and lie to protect my addiction.
I want to get better. I want to be fully connected and no longer live a double life no longer compartmentalise aspects of my life.

"I am free from porn now for 7 months and 18 days. I am single, no partner. I read the book "Your Brain on Porn" and I know now how bad porn is for me."

Congratulations on continuing your Narcissism during your recovery.

"Until your partner realises porn is bad for him he will not quit; he will simply find better ways to hide it. I would suggest leaving him and finding a better partner."

You don't know me and you don't know how I have been dealing with the urges and the P stuff. I have been working my ass off. Yes I slipped up with the honesty but I am working my ass off on that as well. I have confessed things to my partner I thought I would NEVER have to talk about.
If you are self loathing and want to sabotage things sabotage yourself don't try and destroy my life that I am fighting to save with every bit of energy I have.
I have been trying to keep my head clean. Haven't drank any alcohol at all during any of this. Keeping away from vices.
Also I am having counselling and will be having session 4 in the coming week.

UPDATE

I slept at home last night after a nice evening of chinese food, netflix and having the ratties run all over us. I slept on the sofa but this morning she woke me up so we could cuddle in bed. We were intimate and I Oed. First time this week.

We are going to watch more videos together on porn addiction recovery and read another chapter of love you hate porn again together.

We have a table booked at a lovely mezze we enjoy going to for our date night.

DAY 24 NO P

Feeling agitated, annoyed but happy communication is good with my partner and myself.
2.5/5.





« Last Edit: September 19, 2020, 02:00:25 PM by Chris1986 »

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #44 on: September 21, 2020, 12:23:01 AM »
This post is simply unacceptable and i would suggest to report it to a moderator to look it through. In your reboot and overcoming this with your partner, i also suggest to point your concentration on this that contribute and are positive. It's good you made your point anyway. And i add, i can absolutely understand you and how you now realised what the addiction has caused for you. This is one way and i believe, from what i've read, you're are doing good and you do the right thing.

Oing with the partner is perfect. I had some chaser effect adterwards, so please be aware, horniness could peak.

Wish you all the best and nice evenings with your partner

Chris1986

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Re: I need to do this.
« Reply #45 on: September 21, 2020, 11:00:19 AM »
@sorryimnotsorry

The post has been reported. Yeah we try and focus on the postive posts but that obviously rubbed us both the wrong way. I am still very very annoyed by it.
Thanks for believing in me and being in my corner man.
I have been reading your journal as well as others but don't really like posting on them till I am up to date on them.

Yeah we have spoke of the chaser effect I had in the past that I hid from her but so far so good on the chaser front.

UPDATE

After posting my angry post I did a lot of the "training" on Fortify. Has anyone else tried that site? I found it to be help

Saturday evening was really nice. We went out for coffee first and played a question game.
One of the questions was along the lines of "How would you like to be famous?" I answered I thought I would like to be famous a bit like van goth and appreciated after my time. Also I feared the thought of being famous as terrified of my secrets coming out.
My partner enjoyed the question game and says she really feels like she is getting to know me.
We had a lovely meal at the Mezze although I started feeling really anxious being surrounded by drunk people and it being late (old before my time). I wasn't sure where to look and my partner noticed I was anxiously playing with my shirt.
Before this my partner thought I was genuinely one of the happiest/confident people she ever met as my mood rarely dipped. She knows I am not truly that person but she wants to learn my sadness and my fears. She wants to love all of me. I know I am a truly lucky man.
I slept back in our bed that night :).

Sunday we woke up and cuddled. I told her I had weird nightmares that kept waking me up at times. I rarely dream but I have been having lots of weird dreams lately since starting this.
We went out for coffee and round a shop as we had to have the tires done on the car.
I felt exhausted for most the day. My brain almost felt like it was starved of oxygen. Was not a good head day and my head felt like it was in a bubble being squeezed tight. Very anxious.

On the way home we drove past a flat where in the past I visited working girls. This brought up a lot of shame for me. I nearly didn't say anything but i decided to tell my fiancee what we just went past and that I was feeling bad. When we got home she said I should lay down for a while. She comforted me and we spoke for a while. I am really opening up to her and she can see I am working hard.

On that evening we had a roast dinner (well slow cooked beef rib cut) which i cooked far too many potatoes but at least what was left can be used for lunches.

Today I was able to sleep in a bit as working very close to home currently. I was nice to have longer morning cuddles. I feel I have been more focused today. Still got a bit of brain fog but no where as bad as has been.  Think working out in the sun helped but no dark thoughts today and even thought of doing some exercise after I did the housework when I got home.

Well now as I type this await for my fiancee to return home so I can cook us a dinner and have a chill evening.

DAY 26 NO P
feeling 4/5 today :).

Also think I will start saying things that I am grateful for at the end of each update.
I am grateful for having communities such as this to know that I am not alone and we can help each other.

Peace.