Journals > Ages 30-39

I need to do this.

(1/15) > >>

Apologies if this is hard to follow and a bit all over the place. Hopefully with time can structure these better

My name is Chris 33 years of age and been a user or porn and dopamine abuser for my entire adult life.
This has recently been discovered by my fiancee who now knows I basically been living a double life of manic masturbation to porn (straight, gay,trans, sissy,hypnos), sexting, seeking/purchasing images from sex workers online, findoms and fantasizing about sex with other people even posting on reddit seeking local people to "chat to on kik, maybe more" although I had no intention of meeting them is was the rush. She is absolutely heart broken and hearing her heart snap as she cried/screamed haunts me.

This is destroying my life and thankfully my fiancee is willing to work with me trying to fix myself. I love her with all my heart and all this other stuff I viewed as seperate. I think compartmentalize.

This has been an issue in most my relationships when being a heavy user not being able to perform sexually with partners.

I have tried to stop but I would always crawl back to it.

A few months ago during lockdown I was caught with a Google drive with images. She was distraught and she gave me every opportunity to let her know if there was anything else. I lied and I felt myself watch me lie and scream at myself like what the hell are you doing!?

She had suspicions something was still going on as I she thought I was less and less interested in her sexually. I changed my work and was home hours before her and I was using heavily. When we tried to have sex i couldn't perform. I realised it was getting bad and I confessed that I been using porn and it's getting to be a problem and that I will sort it. I still didnt confess to everything else.

I have also been messaging an ex that I promised my fiancee that I would not. Nothing sexual but i think it was giving me dopamine.

It has been nearly two weeks since using porn

I encouraged my fiancee to seek counselling as she was having issues. I told her it's ok to not be ok and seek help. In the last few weeks it has gone from me being the only healthy relationship in her life to this.
She questioned me. Wanted to look through my phone . She gave me chance and chance to be honest tell her what she is going to see and I lied and lied again. .I am being honest with her now but the trust is gone. I have had an on the phone consultation with a councillor and looking at doing weekly sessions.

I want to kill this side of me I hate it. I want to work on saving this relation and create a new REAL normal.
I know I am asking the world of her but I am so thankful she is trying to help and stay.

I need to do this.
I need to save us.
I need to save me.

Hi, Chris.

How was your (early) childhood?

From my POV practically all of my P addiction is sourcing from my early childhood. Absent father/mother. My father had issues with alcoholism and my mother has some unconscious misandry issues. Not a happy environment and family genetics to be born into.

I am finding solace in the psychology of concentration camp, psychology of foster kids and psychology of adult children of alcoholics. I did not know ACA is a thing.

Wish you all the best on your journey.


Hi Chris.

I understand your pain. I've been through the straight, transexual phase and then onto hypno an sissy porn, which I think represents a real low point in this addiction. So, I understand a little of what you're going through.

Congratulations on being porn free for two weeks! That is a real achievement. That might sound patronising, but when most addicts start out, two weeks is an almost impossible goal. I know this from experience. I'm sorry your partner found out, but perhaps it's for the best. Now you know the consequences of your porn addiction and that will hopefully spur you on to success.

Regarding PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction), that will improve. I know this from experience too. I'm on my 6th reboot, and I've recovered enough during my previous reboots to have strong erections and fulfilling sex. However, here I am on my 6th attempt at beating this addiction. I hope that immediately sets alarm bells ringing in your head; '6th attempt'! Even after recovering, porn seduced me and pulled me back in, and started the whole PIED process again. This is not a program for quitting for 6 months or a year. You are an porn addict and you have to eliminate this from your life forever. Sound daunting? It is! It's a real battle, but keep checking in on the forum, read the success stories, come and pour your heart out here if you can't with your partner. Nobody will judge you here, we're all in the same boat.

How have your first two weeks been? I remember the first two weeks of my first reboot. It felt like I was crawling out of my skin.

Good luck. Everybody here is willing you to succeed.

Hi Chris,

First of all welcome on here! It's an important step to take since you have now admitted to yourself that you are addicted.
I recognize a lot of what you wrote about the lying to your partner and the need to message other people just for dopamine.

I want to offer you with some unasked for advice;

- While you said to your fiancee to go for help, might i suggest that you seek help together? All in all this affects you as a couple. Also, there is also a partner section on here where she can post.
- Fully disclose everything to your fiancee. If this is to work you need to lay everything out on the table. This will be rough as fuck for both of you but it's necessary. Also, do not expect the feelings of distrust from her to go away quickly. It will take months, maybe even years. I'm not saying that you need to out every juicy detail but just the outlines.
- Involve her in your journey towards a porn free life. Let her know what you are doing to beat it, talk about your feelings. Don't hide parts of this journey from your fiancee. Involve her in it.
- Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! with each other. The addiction is your issue, but it has an effect on your relationship.
- Post on here, but also read on here a lot. There's a ton of information in the threads of us other addicts. You will find tips and tricks from experience but also recognition. You will feel less alone!

So about your 20 days clean, that is well done. What steps have you undertaken to prevent any future relapses? Urges will come at a certain point.

Good luck my friend, I am rooting for you

I just wanted to add something to Shade's comments.

I agree with all the points, getting help together is the right thing to do. You're a couple.

However, I wouldn't disclose everything! I don't know if she knows about your sissy hypnosis porn, or the gay porn, but I imagine the pain she's feeling right now is intense. I don't see the point in twisting the knife. She knows you have a porn habit, if not a full blown addiction. That's difficult enough to deal with. If you abstain from porn the sissy/gay/transexual fetish will just fade away. This is how it happened for me. Once you've cleaned the sissy/gay/transexual fetish out of your system it's inconsequential. You've been open enough. I imagine the bond holding your relationship has been weakened. I wouldn't test to see if it breaks by revealing the full depth of your addiction.

Just my 2 cents worth.


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version