Journals > Ages 30-39

The journey begins

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Gigili:
He everyone!

This is my first journal posting.
I am a 32 y/o married man. I have been addicted to porn since I was 15 y/o, so roughly I am addicted for around 17 years. Like most men of my age, I started porn with erotic pics which soon evolved to porn videos.

Unlike most people who are struggling with ED, I have problem with premature ejaculation. I barely can have any intercourse before I finish off. I think this is because my porn watching habit is different. Although most people might watch porn for hours, edging, to keep the dopamine level high, I was always in hurry to finish off. This is probably because I was afraid someone might find out what I was doing. I was not watching porn every day, but two or three times a week, for sure!

The main reason why I am here is that I have gradually lost all my interest in having sex with my wife. We are married for three years and although she is a very pretty and sexy girl, I would rather PMO to have sex with her.

I have also had brain fog, depression, anxiety, lack of quality sleep, and low motivation during most of my adulthood. I was on anti-depressant medication for over a year and I don't think it had any particular positive effects. I was never thinking my problems might have been related to porn and I still think some of my problems might not be directly related to porn, however, I am convinced that it is very harmful and I will destroy my marriage eventually if I continue avoiding sex and preferring M to P. I'm not sure what will happen if my wife figures out but I would rather not to find out right now! When I read YBOP book about a month ago, it suddenly made sense to me why I have no interest in having sex with my wife!

Right after reading the book, I started my journey. I am on my day 20 right now. Since I was not an every day porn watcher, I did not have much problem the first two weeks. The urges started from the third week. I started to have some weird feelings, Anxiety, irritability, and mood swings. I have lost all my motivation to do anything productive. I managed to stick to my plan as I don't want to have these feelings over and over again after each relapse, but it is getting particularly difficult these days.

My main problem is this F...King Covid thing. Since March, I am working from home and it is not obvious when I will be back to workspace. My wife has a full-time job so I am alone at home most of the day. I am using merely will power to prevent myself from relapsing but my will power might wear out at some point. Staying at home for several months is stressful and depressing enough, combined with withdrawal symptoms, it has become even harder. I barely do anything productive during the day and mostly waste my time, sleep a lot and play video games. This is the reason why I started writing this journal. Maybe I find some motivation?!

The only positive thing that I do is that I bought a gym membership. I go to gym every morning which I think is helpful. I was wondering what other people do in this "stay-home" situation? I am loosing my mind and I became completely numb. I have requested to go back to my workspace since a limited number of employees are allowed to go back, but I am not sure if I will be authorized to go back. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

ShadeTrenicin:
Hey Gigili, welcome to the forum and well done on admitting you have a problem. It's a very imporatant piece of the puzzle to admit to yourself that you are an addict.

no matter the issues you experience from P (premature ejaculation or PIED) you will find a lot of likeminded people on here and when you read other guys threads you will find that you are not alone in your journey.

I hope to read more on your progess on here!


Stay safe and stay strong, I am rooting for you

Chris1986:
Hi and congratulations fellow new traveler. I done my first post today and hope we can get through this.

You talking about premature ejactulation made me remember I use to suffer with the same issue when I was first having sex. Rather than realising inward addicted I trained myself to last longer and edge(didnt know the term back then.) to the porn

I think it's best you talk to your wife and let her know what is going on. I was caught out and kept lying and lying fighting for survival with the addiction fully in driver seat.
You need her to find out from you being honest and let her know you are trying to fix this and that you will need support. If she knows and the anger and hurt feelings erupt she can help you through it.
I wish I confessed.

recovery000:
Hey Gigili,

Welcome to the forum. It is good that you recognize the harm that porn has caused to your life and your loved ones. That is a strong motivation to start a reboot for the greater good. I understand your current situation very well. Staying home alone every single day is incredibly hard if you want to avoid porn. I was never able to master that in the past. The only method that worked for me was to create a routine *outside* of the house. You GYM membership is a good start. It seems to me that you should try more things in that direction. I used to go to a quiet place, like a library, and do my work from there, and doing my best to stay away from that lonely house.

Is there a place in you city where you can go spend the day and, at the same time, do some productive work? That would be my number one advice. If you are home alone and want to commit to a reboot, find another (less private) place to spend your days.

I wish you the very best

Gigili:
Thanks ShadeTrenicin,  Chris1986, and recovery000. Thank you for your advises. I appreciate it and it means a lot to me.

Yesterday I talked to my wife about the situation although I did not go into details. At least at this point I don't think it is necessary for her to know all the details. I have recently entered the flat line. Although sometimes I feel some degree of libido, most of the time I fell nothing, It is mostly the lack of attraction to my partner mentally since I had no physical problem getting erected (Although it wouldn't last a long and I would finish off very quickly). I still have MW these days.

I am on my day 24 now. As I read on one of the threads in this forum, I am trying to make the mindset that "Porn is not an option anymore". I don't want to experience this shit again, so I am moving forward without looking back. My mood these days is not that bad considering this "stay home" situation. It is like a wave, sometimes I feel good with some episodes of totally down.

The main challenge for me is still this Covid situation. Thanks recovery000 for your advice; I am trying to find somewhere out of the house to spend my days but with no success yet. The weather is getting cold here and spending time outside is not an option. Although the economic centers are open, most public places such as libraries are still closed which makes it difficult to find some place to go.

Other than that, I am still doing fine. It is my day 24 of no PMO.

Does anybody know when will be the peak of urges and withdrawal symptoms before they start to fade away? I have read a couple of threads here but did not find a conclusive time (maybe there is no such a thing!). I don't know what I should expect to see in the near future. Is it going to get better or worse?!

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