Author Topic: Questioning my sexuality. Help.  (Read 625 times)

Jack89

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 9
    • View Profile
Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« on: August 26, 2020, 05:14:49 AM »
Hello,

This has taken me a long time to post and I really feel as if I’m losing my mind. I just don’t know who I am anymore.

So I’m a 31 year old male, in a relationship with a woman. I began watching porn at the age of 11, so I’ve had 20 years of abuse really. When I think back to how young I was it makes me want to cry, exposed to hardcore porn at such an age has definitely had awful repercussions. I started with low grade straight stuff but quickly escalated to scat, bondage, etc and even gay porn. For a long time I thought nothing of it, I enjoyed it and didn’t question myself. I always fancied girls at school but was always quite bad at getting with them.

When I became a teenager and started going out I did ok with women but could barely ever perform sexually. Occasionally I would but it was always hard work. Still I never questioned my sexcuality really, despite sometimes watching gay porn.

I met my girlfriend 7 years ago, it took us a while but eventually we enjoyed a decent sex life. But recently I’ve been questioning myself, am I really gay? During COVID I’ve been really hammering the porn, and now I can’t go more than 2 weeks without viewing it. I hadn’t watched gay porn in a while and now I’m back on it.

I don’t want to deny something in me but I don’t feel as if I am truly gay. I’ve never seen a man I’ve felt anything sexual towards in real life at all. But what if I’m just so deeply repressed I don’t know? At 31 I feel like I’m at a crux in my life now, I want an emotional and sexually fulfilling life but I can’t stop watching porn. Depression and anxiety are consuming me as I worry about my sexuality. I miss feeling that aching lust for a woman that I used to have, and that I’ve never had a for a man but why am I watching gay porn? I’ve been trawling through every memory of mine thinking of instances where I might have showed a gay tendency? I’m looking at every male in tv thinking would I sleep with them? It’s destroying me really.

Has anyone else had this issue and recovered? I know I need to stop the porn, but it keeps pulling me back. I went 2 weeks and felt quite good, went back for a look with just pics of nude women and though ah I’m ok, then bang back to gay stuff it’s like a gateway drug. I might add I do think I’ve got some general mental health issues, maybe a touch of autism/ocd.

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 446
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2020, 06:17:28 AM »
Hey Jack.

It's difficult to say for certainty what your innate sexuality is. Only you can answer that question. However, I have developed Homosexual Compulsive Disorder (HOCD) as a result of my many years of porn consumption. I don't think I need to explain how it happens, there are plenty of posts on this site explaining how we develop HOCD, and I also recommend Your Brain On Porn too. Gary Wilson has some very good videos on the subject.

So, where to begin? I'm a straight guy who, through years of escalating porn consumption, became fixated on men's penises and the idea of being used in a gay scenario. I'm not gay. I know I'm not gay. I've never been attracted to any men. I only notice women when I'm out and about.

I was discussing this topic with another poster who identifies as bi-sexual and he explained something really quite profound that I'd never considered. I asked him if he was sure his bi-sexuality was innate and not porn induced. He told me that he's convinced that it is innate because he often thinks of 'romantic' love with men, in the same way that he thinks of 'romantic' love with women. This one point really hit me! It was like an epiphany. Non of my HOCD fantasies involve 'romance'. My HOCD fantasies are just like replays of hardcore porn. There is no emotional connection between me and the idea of hooking up with a guy. When I think of women, it's very different. There is a 'romantic' element.

I need to reflect on it more, but I think this is a very interesting point. So, when you think about men, is it in a 'romantic' way or just a 'porn' way?

The only other way to really check is to completely abstain from all forms of porn; no videos, to sexting, no reading erotic stories, nothing pornlike. In my experience (I've rebooted several times, but each time porn pulled me back) my HOCD disappeared when I stopped watching porn and I reverted to my innate sexuality, which is heterosexual.

I hope this helps put it into some perspective for you.

Jack89

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 9
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2020, 09:27:39 AM »
Thanks it does sound similar to me. I do use other types of porn, and that’s always with females. It’s just the intensity of it all when you’re using it. So hard to stop for a long time.

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 446
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2020, 09:30:34 AM »
It's an addiction. You're going to have to stop at some point. Why not now?

Georgos

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 820
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2020, 12:34:09 PM »
This is a really interesting topic for me also,

I have no physical or sexual attraction to men, but I do have a kind of romantic attraction to men in the sense of going of comradeship, indeed my brother has often remarked how markedly "homosexual" many of the Soviet, Communist China, and other Communist countries' propaganda poster art about comradeship looks.

I know I am not homosexual, because as I say, I have no sexual attraction to men, but I do feel the need for comradeship that borders on romance,

Thoughts.

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 446
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2020, 01:35:42 PM »
Hi Georgos.

I think what you describe is just 'male bonding'. There is nothing homosexual about male bonding. It's just the sense of having a common shared experience, that of being men.

It depends on how you define 'romance'. People have a sense of 'romance' towards their own nations. This is very different to wanting to be loved, embraced and share tender moments together. People also have these associations with family members and they are not sexual. Jack and I were talking about the whether the desire to have sex with a man is in combination with the sense of wanting to be loved and love the man.

Jack89

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 9
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2020, 06:43:33 AM »
So I’m 3 weeks in without porn, I have masturbated once and also had sex, which was ok but not amazing as I still keep getting porn flashbacks.

At the moment I’m battling with myself every day, checking out everyone seeing if I fancy them etc it’s painful but I just hope it’s a sign of recovery.

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 446
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2020, 06:46:14 AM »
Congratulations on going 3 weeks!

In my opinion, noticing and checking out women is a sign that you are recovering. You're focusing on the real thing rather than pixels.

Keep going!

stepbystep

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 203
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2020, 10:38:05 AM »
Congrats on 3 weeks and keep up the good work. It can take some time for the memories to fade. They will not go away fully but it will fade more and more with time. I agree with the others on doing the reboot first and not worrying about it now until you have a more objective look at yourself without compulsive porn thoughts.
In recovery since December 2012. Porn-free since October 2020.

Jack89

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 9
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #9 on: September 21, 2020, 06:02:08 AM »
Damn I relapsed. I think maybe masturbagint without porn was a bad idea because I thought I had a grip of it and then went back to porn when I had strong urges today. Here goes hoping this next attempt works.

EarthWalker

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 330
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2020, 12:49:08 PM »
No worries. You've learned more about yourself. Good luck on reboot.

I've been on the fence about MO and reboot. Reading your entry and some other stuff. I remember Gabe using broken bone metaphor. Treat it as a broken bone.

Maybe 30 days isn't enough time to reintroduce MO. I got a figure that only after 40 days do the addiction pathways in the brain start to weaken before they even get stronger.

So for MO maybe 30 days is not enough time and brain still has the MO <-> P association. Maybe 60 days or 90 days is a safer period to try and reintroduce MO. Or even better would be 150. At 150 the addiction circuity gets weakened quite substantially. But after going so many days without MO maybe leave it out altogether...

EW
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18519.0
https://www.patreon.com/gabedeem/

“It's a luxury to pursue what makes you happy; it's a moral obligation to pursue what you find meaningful.”
Reboot Timeline Workbook | https://docdro.id/pB7oOsI (A4) | https://docdro.id/upFn48Z (US)

Jack89

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 9
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2020, 06:57:24 AM »
I’m at a low point, possibly the lowest I’ve ever been. Went 2 weeks again, some good days some bad. Then had the most intense feelings when I was lying in bed one day, I couldn’t help myself.

I feel bereft now and don’t know who I am. I don’t want to be in denial but I just don’t think my porn tastes reflects me as a real sexual person but I can barely remember what that was like anymore.

ShadeTrenicin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 589
    • View Profile
    • My topic
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2020, 03:46:45 PM »
Hey Jack89,

You are obviously going through a rough period right now and I really feel for you. But what I also notice in your posts is that you are starting to realise the effect that P has/has had on you and your development. Both as a person and sexually. Since you (like many of us) have watched it from such a young age, it feels like our sexuality is formed purely by the P (and in part is has)

Now this is not a pleasant message to read but I want to point out that you are becoming aware of how this works. Also you know that you are addicted to P. To quote the Oxford dictionary:

addiction;
 
​the condition of being unable to stop using or doing something as a habit, especially something harmful


You see why I've underlined the unable? It's really, really hard to get rid of something that you've been doing for 20+ years. So while it is perfectly normal to feel bereft, all is not lost. Yes there will be relapses, but every time you pick yourself up and try again or when you post on this forum you learn something. It is a journey and you are now on a forum with likeminded people who understand what you are going through.

I hope that will continue to share your journey here with us so that not only we, but you yourself can also get to know you!


Keep going strong friend, I am rooting for you
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

addictionbreaker

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 12
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #13 on: November 09, 2020, 01:28:40 PM »
Don't worry you are not probably gay. It's all addiction-related. By the way, the best "test" to see if you are gay, bi or straight it's the one below. Try to answer the questions.
Thinking about sex with men in terms of a fetish, especially if its porn-induced doesn't make you gay.

1. Beach test - when you out on the beach and see the bodies - which gender grabs your attention first? If women - then your' re straight.
2. The morning after test - with whom you would like to wake up, cuddle and experience closeness? - If women - you're straight.
3. The romantic test - with whom you would like to take "romantic selfies", holding hands while doing long walks. If women - you're straight.
4. Homophobia - do you have any hatred towards gay people? If not, if you're ok with them, then you're probably not suppressing some gay tendencies.

Hope that helps. All the best!

Jack89

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 9
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #14 on: November 12, 2020, 06:23:29 AM »
Thanks for replies.

Yeah right now I feel like I’m crystal clear about who I am, I feel quite good (6 days off pmo) but it fluctuates so much. Brain tries to trick you, makes you feel as if this is all pointless and why not just go back? I’m determined this time though. Want my life back. Fingers crossed.

Jack89

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 9
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #15 on: November 18, 2020, 07:18:51 AM »
So some more ups and downs. I got to 11 days without pmo, felt great was getting natural erections just thinking about women. Got cocky and thought was ready for full sex, couldn’t get fully hard but did eventually orgasm through handjib but mind wasn’t really there. Today I’ve given into porn compulsion. It’s so difficult. The fact I felt so good yesterday gives me hope there is something there but I’m going to have to give it at least a month before trying anything sexual, it’s not enough time.

I also want to try and just forget sexuality for a period. I know that’s very difficult but I’ve felt like I’ve been constantly testing myself to see if I’m aroused by certain people or thoughts. I need to let it come naturally.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2020, 07:54:19 AM by Jack89 »

Jack89

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 9
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #16 on: November 22, 2020, 04:22:30 AM »
First of all, what's wrong with men being attracted to men? I am not, but I wouldn't mind if I were. You sound like someone who just discovered he's a monster. For real, chill. How about loving and accepting yourself like you are, because either way you're perfectly fine.

Given your last sentence, you probably want to consult a sexual therapist. Not because there's something wrong with you in general, but engaging in behavior like this can lead to ocd if you do it consistently without a chance to get an outside perspective. A few conversations can render your (perceived) probem from how severly you experience it at the moment to something completely miniscule. These are generally issues that can rather easily be resolved when someone experienced (i.e. a therapist) provides some helpful input. And there's a good chance that this will help you in a broader sense. By learning about the way we humans tend to create and solve personal problems you'll also shield yourself from future issues and thereby mature as a man.

Life is short so be proactive about things that will make your life better and do not try to solve the issue through monologues. And once more, you need to chill and accept yourself as you are. Gay men, bi-sexual men, or men who just love to see a video of a beatiful D and fap to it are all as worthy and normal as their heterosexual counterparts. And you'll be suprised that the percentage of men who fall in one of these categories most likely outweighs the ones without any of these interests.
I have understanding that the way you experience it might be exacerbated by the pressure that you're in a long-term relationship, but maybe you want to reconsider the relationship as well. Keep in mind, the only duty you have after waking up is doing what makes you happy (as long as it's not harming anyone else). This will, in a broader sense, also have the most positive effect on the people who are part of your life. Godspeed!

I never said that there is anything wrong it, please don’t misquote me. I just want some clarity, I feel like my whole identity is wrapped up in porn right now and can’t understand my own reality.

I know what I have to do, but getting there is difficult.

Jack89

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 9
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #17 on: November 22, 2020, 09:32:44 AM »
I should add that Gay porn is the not only type I view. I’ve also been looking at scat, overweight etc. These all involve women but are not something I’d ever want to do in reality.

mousemat1

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 446
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #18 on: November 22, 2020, 05:27:47 PM »
Hey Jack

yea, I've been there with all the porn genres you mention with the exception of gay porn. You say it yourself; you're so wrapped up in porn that you can't understand your own reality. This is true for most of us, I think.

You're doing well. You are getting some decent runs together. 11 days doesn't sound like a lot, but to an addict it can seem like an eternity. Relapses happen. We just have to refocus and start again. Hopefully, the runs will get longer and easier.

I developed some of the strangest fantasies as a result of my excessive porn consumption. It's just classic 'escalation' because we get used to one particular genre of porn. I've rebooted in the past, and all the weird fantasies eventually faded. I'm on day 99 of this reboot and pretty much all traces of my HOCD have disappeared. The problem is that when I relapsed after almost 300 days, I relapsed to vanilla porn, but I escalated through the fetishes very quickly. I remember watching transexual porn about 1 years ago and finding it a real turn off. Before this reboot it was my go to genre. This shows how we develop sexual interests which are outside our normal spectrum because of excessive porn use.

One you get a run of about 6 months under your belt, you'll have a better idea of what your innate sexuality is.

Good luck and stay strong!

SebNZ

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 124
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #19 on: November 23, 2020, 05:31:53 AM »
Agree with everyone above who are saying that escalation leads to warped sexual tastes. I have certainly experienced this myself. The stuff I have looked at is absolutely disgusting, and it is something my 18 year old self (pre porn guy) would never ever have looked at or found attractive.

There are some people who theorise that porn uncovers our true selves. I call bullshit on that. It's so obvious to me in retrospect that I was escalating over time. When a certain genre stopped giving me a hit, I would move onto a more extreme genre.

There is probably some truth in that what we escalate to is driven by some deep seated psychological issue - but that is not the same thing as 'uncovering your real self'.

EarthWalker

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 330
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #20 on: November 23, 2020, 02:31:58 PM »
In my view. It is for the most part the novelty factor.

+1 on calling bullshit on porn uncovering our true selves.

What porn does in my experience is just uncovers the potential of deviant self. By fragmenting/disconnecting the soul. With porn we are moving away from our true self.

EW
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18519.0
https://www.patreon.com/gabedeem/

“It's a luxury to pursue what makes you happy; it's a moral obligation to pursue what you find meaningful.”
Reboot Timeline Workbook | https://docdro.id/pB7oOsI (A4) | https://docdro.id/upFn48Z (US)

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Questioning my sexuality. Help.
« Reply #21 on: November 24, 2020, 06:24:10 PM »
In my view. It is for the most part the novelty factor.

+1 on calling bullshit on porn uncovering our true selves.

What porn does in my experience is just uncovers the potential of deviant self. By fragmenting/disconnecting the soul. With porn we are moving away from our true self.

EW

This, this & this.