Author Topic: 43 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn  (Read 66824 times)

hans32

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #275 on: January 12, 2016, 03:09:38 AM »
Thanks for the Radio idea, I had no idea, im gonna check into it.  This is the wildest descision in a very long time.  Your posts are inspiring.
Thanks
Hans

Leon

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #276 on: January 12, 2016, 10:33:40 AM »
My downfall always starts with a little look. As someone struggling with addiction I'm not capable of letting in a little poison and then being OK. Just like Unchained said, once we get too close to that porn vortex there is not much that can stand in the way of a lapse. It's what I do with the desperate withdrawals that will decide my success in rebooting. I am trying to be aware of every emotion I'm feeling at any given time and why. This helps me know what I need to confront and what I can celebrate. Peace.

Hi, Chile.

What you say above leads to my expansion of the term edging. We have to be able to recognize in ourselves when we're edging up to the rim of the porn vortex- but without judging ourselves about it- stop, and assess what is going on internally or externally that is leading you to head in that direction. Being aware of your every emotion sounds to me like you're on your way to being able to recognize why we would respond that way to stress and/or anxiety.

But I wish to add- I understand that one little peek already undermines our resolve, and usually (mindlessly) is when habit takes over at that point. However, even at that point we can still stop, disrupt this process from fully playing out. Further more, I say, we must disrupt this process, if we're going to eventually change our habits, and create newer and healthier responses. If we find ourselves beginning to obsess, first understand why, breathing through it, slowing everything down, you can make it. You can reverse this bitch.

I'm not talking about playing around the edges, here. I'm talking about when we're triggered, and the urges arise, and we find ourselves falling into a habituated pattern- what can you do to change the usual outcome? You can, you must find a way to- do something, anything different. The triggers and urges are not always avoidable, and as long as life happens, they won't be avoidable. But what we do have power over is our responses- but not if we're mindlessly driving this car, we have to be in the moment, non-judgmentally, and breathe through it. Do something different, if you have to put your phone upside down on it's face while a video is playing, if you have to set a timer for 5 minutes, something- let's do this.

As far as withdrawals are concerned- that's the perfect opportunity to learn how to deal with urges by not responding to them, or responding in unexpected (and healthier) ways. Thank God for withdrawals- what an opportunity to tinker with this years-long habit, and change the mother. I remember some user had a quote under his profile that said, I love withdrawals. I think that should be our mentality.

Blessings, all.   
« Last Edit: January 12, 2016, 10:40:06 AM by Leon »

unchained

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #277 on: January 12, 2016, 10:45:34 AM »
My downfall always starts with a little look. As someone struggling with addiction I'm not capable of letting in a little poison and then being OK.

It always starts with just a little look.  That is the lie we tell ourselves, like the alcoholic who convinces himself that this time he can have just one drink and that will be all.  It never works out that way.

unchained

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #278 on: January 12, 2016, 11:35:19 AM »
Thanks for the Radio idea, I had no idea, im gonna check into it.  This is the wildest descision in a very long time.  Your posts are inspiring.
Thanks
Hans

Listening to the podcasts has been extremely helpful to me.  Besides, I'm usually just mindlessly driving on autopilot on my drives to and from work.  Listening to the podcasts is a good time to learn as well as get motivation for the day.

Porfreeradio is good.  The podcasts are geared toward addiction recovery help & advise.  I also downloaded every one of Gary Wilson's radio shows.  Gary's shows are pretty much the science behind porn addiction.  He quotes many posts from recovery stories and such, but it is still more science focussed.

Gary's shows can all be accessed here:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-cybersex-jungle-radio-show

I like Gary's shows and listen to each one over and over.  Some episodes have recovered addicts who discuss their own journey and healing from addiction.  The conversations are encouraging.

freshstart@40

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #279 on: January 12, 2016, 02:15:13 PM »
Hey guys can i clarify, in this context, edging is not Ming nearly to O then stopping?
But pushing the boundaries of what p is?
Viewing things that are closer and closer to P?
Great thread, Please help

unchained

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #280 on: January 12, 2016, 02:26:01 PM »
Hey guys can i clarify, in this context, edging is not Ming nearly to O then stopping?
But pushing the boundaries of what p is?
Viewing things that are closer and closer to P?
Great thread, Please help

It kind of depends who you talk to.  To me, the act of edging is watching porn for an extended period of time staying at the edge of orgasm.  Basically, bringing yourself to the edge and stopping so you can keep going and going and going.

I have heard some refer to any behavior that is close to crossing the line into viewing porn as edging.  I've heard people talking about other addictions referring to edging behavior as doing things that are close to the actual addiction itself and are behaviors that can very easily cause you to fall back into the abyss.

evinced

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #281 on: January 12, 2016, 05:13:49 PM »
In everything I have read online edging means that you masturbate to the brink of ejaculation and stop. Take a brief pause to let the urge to cum subside and then continue again until on the edge and stop again etc etc.  Generally this is done to increase the intensity of the orgasm when you finally cum.  I imagine that this could be applied to other things but in my experience that has been the more common definition especially only.  I suspect that someone might edge while watching porn and then not actually have an orgasm and you might still call that edging.  Not sure if there are different definitions specific to the reboot process. Anyway, that's just my 2cents on this.

Leon

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #282 on: January 12, 2016, 06:02:06 PM »
Hey guys can i clarify, in this context, edging is not Ming nearly to O then stopping?
But pushing the boundaries of what p is?
Viewing things that are closer and closer to P?
Great thread, Please help

Hi, Freshstart. The usual definition of edging is as Unchained and evinced said below:

To me, the act of edging is watching porn for an extended period of time staying at the edge of orgasm.  Basically, bringing yourself to the edge and stopping so you can keep going and going and going.

In everything I have read online edging means that you masturbate to the brink of ejaculation and stop. Take a brief pause to let the urge to cum subside and then continue again until on the edge and stop again etc etc.  Generally this is done to increase the intensity of the orgasm when you finally cum.  I imagine that this could be applied to other things but in my experience that has been the more common definition especially only.  I suspect that someone might edge while watching porn and then not actually have an orgasm and you might still call that edging.  Not sure if there are different definitions specific to the reboot process. Anyway, that's just my 2cents on this.

When I first heard the term, I didn't fully know what they had meant either, but it sounded so much like- not only what occurred when I masturbated but stopped (thought I discovered this, ha!), and it also sounded like what I did when I edged-up-to porn through porn-substitutes, like music videos, or other provocative webcam type videos, etc...

So, when I say edging, I pretty much mean the standard definition as given by Unchained, etc... (it's also defined in the glossary provided by RN Here. But, I'll still use it to refer to the edging-up-to porn via it's substitutes.

Sorry for any confusion- be well.

unchained

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #283 on: January 12, 2016, 09:28:47 PM »
Yeah...it can get kind of confusing...the way folks use the term "edging" to mean different things.

If you listen to Gary's radio shows, edging is pretty much always in reference to sitting in front of a computer loafing one's mule to porn imagery for an extended period of time.  That, for the most of us, is what brought us here.  We trained our brains to requite constant novelty & 1 bazillion different hot females (or whatever else gets you going) to get us at the point of orgasm.  Replace that with a single woman (even if she's hot) in a normal sexual situation and the brain doesn't compute...so we end up limp dicked looking for answers.

I mentioned the pornfreeradio podcasts earlier.  In that show the host, Matt, has been porn free for several years.  He uses the term "edging" completely differently...pretty much as Leon did a few posts back.  He uses edging to refer to actions or behaviors that are tip-toeing around the edges of porn.  It's not porn itself, but it is a danger-some.  It doesn't have to be surfing the web for bikini pics, it could be any myriad of thoughts, feelings or actions that we have eventually come to realize take us back to porn.

I know there are guys out there who say "porn sucks" and walk away.  For the rest of us, we distance ourselves from porn, reset, learn, get more distance, fail, learn, get more distance, fail, learn, etc, etc until we pick up on all of the subtle things that trip us up along the way.  When one starts to engage in behaviors that are drawing us back into porn, that can be seen as edging.

On a side note and a "hats off" to Matt, I want to share something he says that is somewhat relevant and gives me inspiration.  He always says "Just because you can't do it perfectly doesn't mean you can't do it."  Learn if you slip and keep moving.

Watch out for edging behavior...if not, you may find yourself edging...lol.

« Last Edit: January 12, 2016, 09:30:47 PM by unchained »

unchained

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #284 on: January 14, 2016, 02:45:22 PM »
I've modified my spreadsheet a bit to include all of the different things I try to do daily as part of this healing process...cold shower, meditation, journaling, posting here, exercise, etc.

One thing I have noticed is that if I start the day on the right foot, then I end up accomplishing much more of the items on the list.  I start my day with a cold shower...as cold as the water will go.  Some days I have to talk myself into it.  I'm usually still only half awake, just out of a warm bed and standing there freezing doesn't seem so appealing.  However, it totally kicks ass when it's time to get out and I've started the day by enduring an uncomfortable situation.  I feel it strengthens my willpower.  On top of that, it makes me feel like the man.  My heart is racing & I have tons of energy.  It's almost like the feeling you have when you get off of a roller coaster.

On days that I don't start out right, I tend to do less of the other things as well.  It is apparent that it is crucial (for me anyway) to start the day with strong momentum to help me push hard through the rest of the day.

Chile

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #285 on: January 16, 2016, 09:21:22 PM »
I'm sure you are right about the momentum thing to start your day. I've found the same thing to be true with the things I let leave my mouth. The tongue has been called a small rudder that directs the entire ship.

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #286 on: January 17, 2016, 05:20:33 AM »
Watch out for edging behavior...if not, you may find yourself edging...lol

Actually wise words Unchained, there may be some truth in that.

Thanks for the clarity Leon

Leon

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #287 on: January 17, 2016, 09:53:04 AM »
@ Freshstart: You're welcome, brother.

@ Chile: Nothing's set in stone, brother. I know what you say is true about the tongue, but if something is spoken amiss, try to learn from it, but bottom line, don't beat yourself up about it. Receive that forgiveness that's yours, and go on. I used to shame myself about an incorrect thought I had, and before you know it, I was obsessing. Even in the little things, it's best to, not ignore, but let it go mindfully.

Also, "...out of the abundance of the heart..."- fill your heart with good things, and good things will come from your mouth.

@ Unchained: Sorry for invading your journal so much, lol... Good job on the discipline front, as having positive habits help us to focus on not only our abstinence, but on our overall recovery from this thing as well.

Be blessed.

unchained

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #288 on: January 18, 2016, 12:30:40 PM »
Unchained: Sorry for invading your journal so much, lol...

No problem.  I like an active thread.  At the very least it makes me feel like others out there here what I am going through.  It helps to not feel isolated.

I had a small victory this weekend that I attribute to consistent meditation practice.  I've been trying to go to bed a bit earlier than before.  I tend to get triggered if I'm up late at night.  Also, when I stay up too late I end up being tired the next day which can also cause the brain to go seeking pleasure as well.  The only negative with going to bed earlier is that I tend to wake up a lot earlier than I need to and end up laying in bed for a couple of hours trying to get back to sleep.  On Saturday I woke up with a raging hard-on in the middle of a dream that was an extremely sexually exciting.  To make matters worse, it was before 5AM and I didn't want to get out of bed until 7 at the earliest.  As I lay there, I began more or less meditating in bed in an attempt to direct my thoughts away from the dream.  It worked..I fell back asleep and unfortunately back into the same dream.  I woke up again with the same problem as before, but I redirected my thoughts again and went back to sleep.  This happened several times until I got out of bed at 7AM.

I actually felt pretty good about myself when I woke up.  The thoughts came, but I was able to take my mind where I wanted it.  I controlled my thoughts...they did not control me.  I decided if I can redirect my thoughts in the still of the night with little to no distractions available to focus on, then I can surely redirect them during the day.

Like I said...a small victory, but it sure felt good.  I feel empowered.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2016, 06:10:35 PM by unchained »

Leon

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #289 on: January 18, 2016, 06:32:08 PM »
Good job, Unchained. I would not call it a small victory, as it's very significant indeed. You learned that despite an internal trigger (the dream), and the resultant urges (the erection), that you could still redirect your thoughts, and meditatively go back to sleep- not once, but at least twice.

I had a couple of episodes where I would get flashed (without seeking it out) on Pinterest, and I'd feel my heart start racing. This happened a couple of times in the middle of the night (I generally don't look at my phone in the middle of the night much anymore), bam! I'd feel my heart racing, and immediately I'd leave the page, of course, but I'd start deep breathing, and just non-judgmentally stay in the moment. Doing this, even as I was in bed, helped me to go to sleep without any episode.

Empowerment is exactly the feeling, and it gives us that confidence to face down any future temptation that may arise.

unchained

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #290 on: January 19, 2016, 02:48:48 PM »
Thanks Leon.  I really feel like a change in perception is happening in my head.  It's a whole lot of little things that add up to make big differences in the overall picture.

I kind-of want to share my thinking for the benefit of new guys (who don't really want to read through 12 pages of history) as well as to organize my own thoughts in my journal.

I started trying to quit PMO in April 2014.  At that time the only thing I cared about was getting my dick to work again 100% of the time.  I scoured through journals looking for information.  All of the other guys were talking about so many other aspects of quitting that I didn't really care about; how their lives have changed, how their relationships have changed, the million things that tripped them up along the way, the need to pursue new hobbies, the need to build a structured system, the need to have a plan in the event powerful trigger, etc, etc.  I remember thinking "hobby?? really? I can't get porn out of my head long enough to concentrate on anything..let alone learn how to play some freakin' instrument!!!!".  I was focussed on just one thing...how many days before my erections work?  All of the work that others were putting into recovery was beyond my comprehension at that time.  I really just wanted to clinch my fists through some pre-determined number of days to fix my wang and thought that once my PIED was gone that I would miraculously not be drawn to porn ever again.  I thought that if the ED was fixed, then all of my problems would be fixed and porn would be just an old memory that would slowly fade away.

It's been a year and 9 months since I found YBOP which led me here.  I lurked, read and had a few short streaks until I began working in ernest in September 2014.  I spent more time here, started a journal and began absorbing what other men (and women) were contributing.  My streaks got longer and longer, but I still didn't have a thorough plan in place.  I was learning but my approach was still relying on avoiding porn & triggers, focussed on will power and counting days in belief of the idea that after some magical day count would put this all behind me.  After stumbles, resets and falls I slowly began building my own system.  I've read several books on quitting (just ask if you want any recommendations), bought and began working the InnerGold system and truly started the process of healing...not just my erections but rather breaking the chains of addiction.

I would like to say that at some point I just put it down and walked away.  I've read journals and there seems to be a lucky few who can just quit when they realize that PMO caused their ED.  Unfortunately, that has not been my story.  If I were to take this journal back in time to almost 2 years ago and show it to myself at that time, I know without a doubt that the 2014 me would probably go into a depression with the knowledge that I am still engaged in this process this far down the road.  However, I am feeling quite positive.  I am proud of what I have accomplished so far and am excited about the direction I am headed.  I am proud that I haven't given up...I am not defeated.

The perception change that I mentioned at the first is something that came on slowly and I've just noticed it recently.  Some folks may read this and yawn, roll their eyes or think "whatever", but somewhere along the line my mindset has shifted away from "I am doing these things to keep porn from beating me" to "I am doing these things because I want to win".  It may not sound monumental, but for me it is huge.  It gives me a whole new sense of clarity to my purpose.  I don't want to work hard so that my life doesn't suck, I want to work hard so that it is great.  It changes the focus of the hard work, the cold showers, the time in prayer, the meditating, the journaling, the reading, the listening, the constant mindfulness of my moods, emotions, physical feelings, etc (all of the things I've focused on to stay clean) into a positive investment in my self rather than constructing some type of shield to hide behind.

Being guys, we are all familiar with sports teams who find themselves in a position to win and instead of following through, they play "not to loose" rather than to win.  All too often when that happens, the team will let the victory that is in reach slip away.  That is an almost perfect analogy to my last few resets.  I end up playing defensively against porn instead of aggressively for a life worth living...all inside my head.  All of the things in my system worked, but I was doing them with the wrong mindset which is what eventually led to my failure.  Again, it may seem overly simplistic but I do believe it to be true.  It is much easier to walk into 40 degree F water when instead of convincing myself it will keep porn thoughts at bay I am telling myself  that I am doing this because I want a better me...I am working for an amazing life instead of against porn.

harry

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #291 on: January 19, 2016, 04:43:09 PM »
Hello unchained,

Thanks for all of your posts. They have been very helpful to me - especially this latest.

I will be checking out https://innergold.com/


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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #292 on: January 20, 2016, 02:51:47 PM »
Always enjoy your posts Unchained.

Leon

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #293 on: January 20, 2016, 05:46:17 PM »
The perception change that I mentioned at the first is something that came on slowly and I've just noticed it recently.  Some folks may read this and yawn, roll their eyes or think "whatever", but somewhere along the line my mindset has shifted away from "I am doing these things to keep porn from beating me" to "I am doing these things because I want to win".  It may not sound monumental, but for me it is huge.  It gives me a whole new sense of clarity to my purpose.  I don't want to work hard so that my life doesn't suck, I want to work hard so that it is great.  It changes the focus of the hard work, the cold showers, the time in prayer, the meditating, the journaling, the reading, the listening, the constant mindfulness of my moods, emotions, physical feelings, etc (all of the things I've focused on to stay clean) into a positive investment in my self rather than constructing some type of shield to hide behind.

Being guys, we are all familiar with sports teams who find themselves in a position to win and instead of following through, they play "not to loose" rather than to win.  All too often when that happens, the team will let the victory that is in reach slip away.  That is an almost perfect analogy to my last few resets.  I end up playing defensively against porn instead of aggressively for a life worth living...all inside my head.  All of the things in my system worked, but I was doing them with the wrong mindset which is what eventually led to my failure.  Again, it may seem overly simplistic but I do believe it to be true.  It is much easier to walk into 40 degree F water when instead of convincing myself it will keep porn thoughts at bay I am telling myself  that I am doing this because I want a better me...I am working for an amazing life instead of against porn.

This is actually very monumental, Unchained! Because this very mindset is the difference between simply trying to hang on and abstain to actually recovering from addiction, and pursuing the life we truly want.

This is a winners mentality!

unchained

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #294 on: January 25, 2016, 03:03:07 PM »
Thanks Leon. It seems that I've gotten to a place that I spend more time focussing on my thoughts than anything physical...but that doesn't mean the worries of my physical healing has left me completely.  I will say that the evidence seems conclusive...if we fix the mental problems then the physical will take care of themselves.

I'm on (and have been) on a bit of a vacation.  Its been fun and tough at the same time. I've come to rely on my routine and threre's nothing like a vacation to mess up a routine...just like messing up a diet or exercise routine.  I've been with the family in Orlando. We've been going to the Disney parks.  It has been fun, busy, wonderful, ,stressful.  I have been physically & emotionally tired.  I've been hungry, mad, stressed, happly, embarassed, excited, extremely tired and even bored (standing in countless lines). Thankfully, I have barriers in place or I would have probably self medicated after the family was all in bed.


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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #295 on: January 25, 2016, 05:58:01 PM »
I've been hungry, mad, stressed, happly, embarassed, excited, extremely tired and even bored (standing in countless lines).

Sounds like real life Unchained. Its what you say below that really shows how far you have come. More power to your efforts and your journey through this process.

Thankfully, I have barriers in place or I would have probably self medicated after the family was all in bed


Peace to you brother

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #296 on: January 27, 2016, 06:19:10 PM »
Thank Bob.

I got back home from vacation last night.  I had fun, but it's nice to be back.  For me at this time a consistent routine is very beneficial.  Our schedule was so hectic that I didn't have time to do some the things that help me maintain focus.  I actually missed listening to my now memorized radio podcasts by Gary Wilson and others.  I didn't think they were appropriate listening while I drove with my 6 & 8 year olds in the car, lol.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2016, 04:16:25 PM by unchained »

unchained

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #297 on: January 29, 2016, 11:52:18 AM »
Still going strong...just wanted to check in.

I also have some exciting news to share on the sexual healing front.  I've come to realize since I began this process that in the past, 100% of my own sexuality has been objectifying women.  In my marriage as well as previous girlfriends I more or less ogled their bodies to get an erection and sex was more or less the physical act of pmo...there just happened to be someone else in the room I was in physical contact with rather than me alone with my computer.  I was always watching, looking at their bodies to stay turned on...sex was me pleasing myself inside of someone else.  It was just like I was watching it on a screen.  I suppose I have always been disconnected during sex as a result.

Please understand I love my wife and have had many deeply loving relationships before her.  I'm not the guy who can't see a women as anything other than a sex object, however, I know that porn has always caused me to over sexualize the way I see people and I know that I have inappropriately objectified women in the past.  This was not, however, so severe that it kept me from being able to love and respect the women I have been with.  It's just that when things get sexual I have trained my brain to need to stare at a woman's body to get aroused.  It's just like staring at 2D images in a magazine or on the screen...that it what my brain required for me to perform sexually.  Everything was sooo visual...because of this I've probably only had sex with the lights out a few times in my life.  Even if something sparked in the middle of the night I would always reach for the lamp because sex to me necessitated looking at a woman's body.

Last night, for the first time in a really long time I became aroused by nothing more than being in the presence of my wife.  It was rather late but she was still awake in bed when I went to bed.  **Not to worry, there will be no triggers in this story**.  Anyway, I lay on my back with my hands behind my head.  She was on her side facing me.  She reached out and held onto my arm as we lay there.  Just laying there, not speaking I became incredibly turned-on from just being beside her and feeling her touch.  I'll finish by saying we had successful sex.

The great thing is that it happened start to finish in the dark.  I was tuned on by her presence...not just looking at her body parts.  There was no messing around to get me going, not even a kiss.  It was just a natural desire without any type of sexual touch that made me 100% erect.

Of course, I wasn't analyzing anything at the moment.  It wasn't until afterwards that I realized what happened or rather how it happened.  I wanted to tell her, but she had already drifted off to sleep so I just lay there reveling in the fact that I functioned like I'm supposed to.  I damn near cried.

Gracie

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #298 on: January 29, 2016, 04:57:41 PM »
Share that moment with her.  Let her celebrate the victory with you.  Just say wow when I laid next to you in the dark it was amazing!  You have no idea how it is to hear our presence is enough!  And congrats!

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Re: 41 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn
« Reply #299 on: January 30, 2016, 01:17:38 AM »
Hey unchained,

Thanks for sharing your success story! It is really amazing to read it. What an awesome moment to realize all this is working. You give me much hope.