Author Topic: 43 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn  (Read 66323 times)

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #150 on: May 05, 2015, 07:39:10 AM »
The lawn analogy is an awesome lesson for today Unchained. Thanks!

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #151 on: May 05, 2015, 11:17:06 AM »
The lawn analogy is an awesome lesson for today Unchained. Thanks!

Analogies have always helped me get my hands around bigger issues.

I have been wondering recently just how much PMO has played into my personality and who I have become as a person.  When I read from others about how ocd, concentration problems, social anxieties, lack of motivation & drive, irritability, etc can all be caused or worsened by constant PMO, I am truly curious who I will be when I come out the other side.  It's funny, but this journey started because of a limp dick, but my motivation is focused on so many other positive aspects of recovery right now.  Don't get me wrong...a nice hard stiffie in the wife is pretty good, too.  It will be great when I know I can 100% count on it to be there for me and not have any anxiety about the possibility of PIED.

Anyway, I discovered my first porno mag at 7 and was completely blown away.  I knew right away that I liked what I saw, but at that time knew nothing about MO.  From then I would occasionally happen across a mag at a friend's house.  By 12, I had amassed an impressive collection and even found my 1st porno VHS.  The neighborhood kids would get off the bus at my house and we would all sit around and watch it, girls and guys all amazed at what we were watching.  It was a John Holmes flick without sound.  It wasn't until 13 that I discovered MO to to along with my P...and holy cow was that great!

Since then I have not been without PMO for any length of time aside from when I was in boot camp which was just over 9 weeks.  There may have been a week or two here and there along the way, but the streaks would not have been long enough to break any type of addiction.  I think I probably realized I was addicted at around 22 (I'll be 41 later this month).  At that time, it was still magazines, but I was hooked just as bad as guys are today to internet porn.  After a day or two of no PMO, I would experience tremendous anxiety.  By age 23 in 1997 I got the internet and it only go worse from there.  Looking back, there were so many signs that I can now clearly see.  I was / am a social person and never went without a girlfriend for long.  I always managed to have relationships with girls & later women who were very attractive.  Even if I was having daily sex I would still have anxiety if I didn't use P.  In college, I would stay up and PMO after having sex with my girlfriend (actually I continued to do the same thing all the way up until now).  There were several failed attempts to quit in my 20's and I realized that I was addicted, but there didn't seem to be any other issues so I decided to just live with the secret.

Sorry this has taken so long, but I cannot see any possible way that PMO hasn't altered who I have been all throughout my life.  I have been a slave to the selfish behavior and constant impure thoughts that porn causes.  It has surely affected the way I saw every woman I have had any contact with for my entire life.  It has taken time, energy, money.  It has ended relationships.  Looking back, my views of what a woman should look like and how she should behave have caused relationships to end and have kept some from even starting because of my insane expectations.  I wanted a girl who could match what P gave me.  It was impossible.  Heck, what I wanted was so varied from day to day, or even session to session many times a day...think I'm in the mood for a tall thin brunette to satisfy me, maybe a big boobed blonde or a redhead whose small chested with a big butt...this time around I want petite Asian, no a tall Asian, a black girl big then small, Arabic, a barely legal 18 year old then a 40+ lady who looks like she could be your next door neighbor...it goes on and on forever...never ending.  It is a carousel that refuses to stop, so I'm jumping off the mother f'ing piece of life crushing sh**.  I have to.  It will never let me off on its own.  It has to be my choice.  It has to be through my actions and commitment to do the hard work.  I want to see for the first time in my life how this world around me appears without looking through the fog of porn.  What a realization...never in my life since being 7 have I been truly been free from the mind poisoning world of porn.

For those of you who have not, I would highly recommend the videos & audio at yourbrainonporn.com.  It's one thing to read a success story, but hearing it makes it more real.  The stuff Gary, Gabe, Noah & others put out there is tremendously inspirational.  I know from their accounts and others they have on the broadcasts along with them that a man's body will not explode if it goes without O for a short, or even a very long time.  I used to think that no MO was an impossibility and was trying to stay away from P, but continue to MO, which made things increasingly difficult.  My previous reboot attempts have been a fight between me and porn.  I was convinced that my sexual urges preceeded my thoughts of P.  Basically, I was thinking that my body needs sexual relief and then the P thoughts would creep in.  That's really not how it works.  It is the brain trying to force the P in.  In the end, that is what the brain wants.  It wants dopamine and it knows that it will get it from P, so it begs, pleads, screams, has temper tantrums, lies, reasons...whatever it takes.

I am not even worried about my body at the moment.  My dick is still there and goes where I go.  Aside from that, I don't think about it.  The focus has to be the brain.  The path seems so simple to me at the moment that I feel like a fool for not seeing it before.  Tons of people have successfully broken the addiction to porn.  Some wrestled and fought their way through, some have prayed their way through, some have found help in therapy or accountability partners, some guys are lucky enough to just put it down and walk away.  At the end of the day, it is simply just finding a way to distance yourself from the porn.  Do that for long enough and the addiction breaks down.  Unfortunately, I can't drop porn and run a safe distance from in in a moment.  I've said it before...distance from porn is time.  For me, I see it as a mile a day and at the moment I'd like to get 100 miles away.  So, because I will make it to my 100 mile goal even if I have to crawl through broken glass to get there and since I prefer pleasure to pain, I have made up my mind to pursue a path of positive thinking, optimism, positive reinforcement, basically anything I can do to make this process not hurt.  Posting here helps.  Reading about the addiction process helps.  Listening to experts helps.   Reading & hearing success stories helps.

Oh, you guys have got try the cold showers.  It sounds crazy, but I am convinced that they have 100%, without a doubt, made a difference in the first two weeks of this reboot.  There is science behind it.  Porn addiction destroys dopamine receptors.  When you quit porn, your dopamine drops tremendously.  Combine low dopamine with few receptors and we all feel like crap.  The science indicates that cold showers awaken and stimulate your dopamine receptors, which makes your body react to the dopamine that is still in there.  Essentially, it makes you feel good.  It makes you feel positive.  It removes the anxiety that your brain causes as it sits there starving for dopamine.  Like I said, whatever I can do to make the process less painful is what I am all about.  I am happy to take a 5 minute cold shower in discomfort when it truly makes me feel great the whole day long.

Sorry for the long and rambling post, but my brain feels electrified today.  I have thoughts and feelings coming at me from every direction.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2015, 11:22:41 AM by unchained »

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #152 on: May 05, 2015, 02:20:17 PM »
Still trying to work up the courage for the cold showers. Yeah, porn makes us want something different all the time, and all of it fake. Reality can never satisfy with our brains cooked on it. Stay focused and you'll get to your 100-mile point in another 3 months. That's a pretty good deal to remove decades worth of porn-induced dopamine.

Rocket

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #153 on: May 05, 2015, 08:54:04 PM »
I actually tried the cold shower thing last night.  It works pretty well.  I took a normal hot shower, then before I shut it off, I blasted it on cold for about 30 seconds.  It actually works as a feel good type of thing.  I know the old adage of "you are horny, go take a cold shower" isn't really what it's about.  It doesn't make you less wanting sex.  It just puts you in a better mood for some physical reason due to the cold receptors on your skin hitting your brain.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #154 on: May 05, 2015, 09:57:18 PM »
Hi Chile.  Been reading your journal and glad you had a good trip.  Sorry it was so dang hot, maybe January would be a good time to make a trip there.

Rocket, glad you tried the cold shower.  I am convinced it helps…so much so I hope we can start a movement within the old timers conqueror PMO world.  It is no joke it makes the whole day better.  I don't start hot, but wash up just colder than luke warm.  I try to keep it less than comfortable, but tolerable so that I wash well. After that, I turn it down until it makes me shiver and kind of takes my breath. I leave it there and keep track of time…started at 1 minute, then 1:30, now 2 minutes, then I turn it as cold as it goes and stay about about 30 more seconds.  It is exhilarating….not bad like you would think, but empowering.

You are 100% right that it has nothing to do with the old tale of killing your sex drive…though it may temporarily squash sex thoughts in dick shriveling water...it has everything to do with the mindset that "I am a man an can do anything I set my mind to do!!!"

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #155 on: May 05, 2015, 10:42:18 PM »
You really are unchained. Go for broke man!

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #156 on: May 06, 2015, 10:08:34 AM »
Thanks Chile.

I cannot say for sure what is going on in my brain or why, but I've had a sense of true optimism this whole week.  I've felt a boost in energy, almost too muck like I've drank too much coffee or something.  At the same time, late in the day I feel a tinge of anxiety and the least bit of a headache.  It doesn't really hurt, but I can feel pressure.

During this reboot, I have not let my mind sit idle.  I don't even listen to music in my car.  I stream the audio  / video from ybop and listen intently.  I watch little to no tv.  I've decided it is basically junk food for the brain.  In the evening, I'll catch up on the news & then look to see if anything that would truly engage me is on.  If not, I shut it off and come here or one of the other sites or forums and read.  I am trying not to let me brain sit bored and watch or listen to things on autopilot, because that is when PMO thoughts pop into my head.

Gotta keep my brain occupied with good stuff to keep bad stuff out...a thick full turf is the best defense against weeds taking root

Tomorrow marks two weeks and I'm 14 miles away from porn

notgivinup

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #157 on: May 06, 2015, 10:13:34 AM »
unchained....glad to read about you successes. I'm glad you are feeling the boost today. It's great to have a good day. It helps the journey.

I also wanted to say thank you for your encouraging words to me lately. Thank you.

I will 2nd the cold shower thing. It does actually boost energy. I have done it every day except one since this past January. I know what's coming when I turn it on full cold...as cold as it will get...and it takes my breath away. But, I know it's doing good things for my body and my reboot.

Thanks again for staying on this journey. I know that you are going to make it out of this. I know that we are going to successfully give up pmo and find new life. You are already experiencing it.

Thanks again.

NGU

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #158 on: May 06, 2015, 12:53:13 PM »
I am so glad to see you filling your mind with substance and eliminating the mindless junk. Mindless junk is different for everyone, but most would agree that television is oftentimes an instrument to dumb ourselves down and be exposed to porn triggers. Movies usually have the same effect on me, but for others they can be a valid form of relaxation. You're doing awesome man.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #159 on: May 07, 2015, 06:33:07 AM »
2 weeks ago at this moment I was loafing my mule to pictures of women i will never meet.  Now I am communing with a group of guys who i will likely never meet and who, like me, are attempting to not loaf ones mule to women we'll never meet...funny

Been thinking of why I f'd up after 2 months of sobriety.  It wasn't stress, problems, loneliness, anger, boredom or anything I can directly point to, sad to say. I simply went back because I liked it. Maybe I thought I was cured and could handle it or had a nice long streak and deserved a treat. That reminded me of a story I heard somewhere a while back:


Treating yourself to porn as a way to reward yourself for staying away from porn is like working all day to clean your house and then rewarding yourself for your hard work by dumping your trash bags all over the nice, clean house.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #160 on: May 07, 2015, 11:14:56 AM »
I was thinking about a realization that I had early is this reboot and decided to share it.  Hopefully, things I have come to realize from my past mistakes may make someone else's journey easier.

You are not having to battle on multiple fronts.  I previously believed that I had a mental addiction to porn as well as a need to masturbate.  After a few days, I would be in agony for "relief", so I would masturbate.  Of course, it became impossible to keep P thoughts out of my head in a MO session.  I had the mistaken belief that lack of MO was unobtainable, so I really never tried to stop.  The perceived need to MO was just one of my brains tricks to keep the P alive.  So, the P would be there in my head.  I would feed it, so it would keep popping up.  The "need" to MO is bs.  It is just your brain trying to get the camel's nose under the tent.  DO NOT believe the bs.  All you have to do is walk away from porn.  Put distance between yourself and porn.  Let it die from your consciousness.

When I used to try to MO without P, I was in a constant state of fighting it.  Even if I didn't give in to temptation, it was still there with me.  You see, the goal is to get away from porn...to leave it...to walk AWAY from it.  You cannot succeed if you are constantly fighting it.  If you are fighting it, it is right there along side of you.  You don't want porn to be along side of you, you want it as far away as possible.  Think of yourself as a boxer in the ring and the other boxer is porn.  You may be winning each round, but you are still having to fight.  Hell, if you stay in the ring, he may even win a few rounds or knock your ass out.  Maybe you get up again and win a few rounds yourself, but the point is you are always in this struggle, always fighting, he's always right there with you.  I suppose I've won a few rounds myself, and I've lost plenty too.  The thing is, he's an opponent that will never be ko'd.  He will always get up and fight.  It will never end.  Me...I've decided I'm not interested in the fight.  I'm not interested in beating porn.  I'm out.  I'm slipping through the ropes, taking off my gloves and walking away.  I decided to not even wait until the end of the next round.  I'm out...my back is to the ring.  Fuck him.  The only way to win is to not fight.  He no longer has a place in my consciousness.  I am not going to drag this fight through the rest of my life.  It is over, done with, kaput.

That visualization has made this reboot so vastly different from my previously attempts.  Sure, my brain is causing some withdrawal symptoms, I feel them.  Low dopamine levels for a bit won't kill me and I know it is temporary.  I know I have only one focus, and that is to keep my back to porn and keep walking.  The MO urge is just a trick.  Listening to guys who go 90+ days, even 9+ months without MO helped me understand that the "need" to O is just lie from the brain to get you back in the ring with P.  This may sound crazy, but once you understand MO is not truly a part of the fight...it's off the table, your only focus...the only thing that is really antagonizing you is PORN.  That's it.

So I was thinking about this and remembered when I was in my late 20's and had decided to quit smoking.  When I decided it was time to quit, I knew there were two separate issues to address, the mental addiction as well as the physical addiction to nicotine.  Together, they can be one tough opponent, so I went to the pharmacist and asked what is the strongest thing they can give me without a prescription.  He suggested the Nicoderm patch, so I bought them and off I went.

I'm sorry for being a long winded schmuck, but bear with me, I find this story entertaining.  Anyway, it came with patches, a booklet and an audio tape.  I listened to the tape which talked about addiction, all about how to use the patches and some motivational stuff.  I remember it saying that if you smoke 1st thing in the morning, you may want to wear a patch to bed at night so that you would have some nicotine in your system when you wake up.  That way, the cravings wouldn't be so bad when you got out of bed.  I was a heavy smoker at the time.  Heck, I would light up before turning off the alarm.  After my 1st smoke, I'd immediately light the next and smoke it in he shower.  The 3rd while I got ready and then at least one more on my way to school...and it would still be 7:30 in the morning.  I felt it would be wise to wear the highest dosage patch to bed at night.  So, after a few days into quitting, I thought I was going crazy...and this is 100% no shit.  I woke up two days in a row completely naked, sweating like a pig, crawling in the floor of my bedroom.  My dreams were insane and I thought I was loosing it.  I was convinced that quitting was going to be too difficult & was about to give up on the whole idea of quitting, but decided to listen to the tapes again.  When I re-listened to the tape, I heard something that I missed the 1st time.  It said that if you decide to wear the patch at night, to be aware that some people experience "overly vivid dreams".

So...I was still on track to quit smoking, just no patch at night.  The very next morning I woke with horrendous nicotine withdrawals.  I felt like shit and was once again thinking that quitting was going to be an impossibility.  Regardless, I stuck a patch on my arm and hopped in the shower.  It was in that shower at that moment that my outlook and possible the entire course of my life changed direction.  In that shower, I began to feel the patch doing it's job.  I could feel it enter my system, and as it did I had faith that it would address my physical addiction.  All I had to do at that point was to deal with the mental addiction.  It became simple...just don't do it.  I weened myself off of the patches over time and I went from a 1.5-2 pack a day smoker to quit and I've not had a single cigarette in 16 years.  Cigarettes are no longer even in my consciousness.  The mental addiction was tough at times, but I got to the point that my desire to quit was stronger than my compulsion to smoke.  My frontal cortex finally began to win the tug of war.

I've had that same moment again and it is funny because it has also happened in the shower.  While I don't believe that freezing showers are the answer to my problems...ohh how I wish it were that simple.  I've had a moment of clarity while standing in the cold water.  As I forced myself to stay in a situation that is uncomfortable, I realized that I have the mental toughness to endure sucky situations.  I can do it, I have FAITH in my ability to keep walking.  That means everything.  Faith in your ability to keep distancing yourself from the fight is key.

I've heard since day 1 that "porn is not an option"...but I've always heard it wrong.  I would be fighting the urge for porn and would tell myself that porn is not an option, like it was some type of shield or something.  I have this mental image of myself curled up in a fetal position repeating "porn is not an option, porn is not an option".  That's not what I now think Gabe meant when he stated porn is not an option.  I think he took it off the table, it doesn't exist on his palette of possibilities, it is not a consideration.  He's not fighting it because it is not even within the realm of possibilities.  He put the porn down, walked away...the fighting is over.

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #161 on: May 07, 2015, 12:53:02 PM »
You have a talent for explaining useful stuff very clearly Unchained. I want to remember the camel nose and boxing ring analogies. A big reason I've made it this far (barely 3 weeks) is by realizing MO is just a backwards detour to Porno Copia. So is peeking, sitting in the fetal position you talked about trying to convince myself that porn is not an option, and stepping into the boxing ring as my only strategy because I haven't filled my mind and life with other pursuits.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #162 on: May 08, 2015, 12:32:15 PM »
I had a minor success this morning.  I got an erection kissing my wife goodbye before I left for work.  It sucked not to be able to use it, but it sure was nice getting it just from a nice long sexy kiss.

I've noticed something in previous reboot attempts and wonder about other guys experiences.  The further I get from porn, the more affectionate I become towards my wife.  We are not and have never been incredibly touchy-feely type people.  We used to be more than we are now, but then life happened and we are always chasing small kids around, getting them up and ready, getting them bathed, doing homework, getting them ready for bed...I'm sure it is or has been the same for everyone else here.  We usually end up going to bed at different times and I'll get a quick pop kiss in the mornings along with an "I love you" on the way out the door.  We talk and communicate quite well.  In 10 years of marriage, 5 years of dating (and friendship for 13 years prior to that), I can only recall 3 arguments.  We have a wonderful loving relationship that is based on a true friendship.  Anyway, back to the increase in affection.  In past attempts, I thought it may been due to slight depression as a result from withdrawals making me feel a little needy, but I'm not so sure anymore.  I feel that maybe that part of me had been dulled by constant PMO.

I've been thinking about the way I used PMO and how it affected my actual sex-life with the wife.  With PMO, I would surf and surf and surf for that perfect picture to finish with.  Over time I developed a couple of fetishes and would end up completely focused on that to get the job done.  It is obvious to me now that I used my wife just like one of my PMO sessions.  Unlike some guys, I didn't need to think of porn to stay hard, but I would have to stay focused on some of her body parts that appealed to my fetishes.  I was never in the moment.  It was basically using her just like porn.  I was focused on her, not feeling things with her.  That is not what I want any more.

I can remember a time when it was different.  My PMO addiction goes all the way back to my early teens, but I still connected with the girls I was with, even up to just a year or two ago.  I feel like I eventually had to focus of the fetishes because the PIED was creeping in.  The panic thoughts of ED caused me to zone in on a fetish to stay hard.

It's funny that we don't see how the addiction is changing us as we slowly alter our brains.  Had it not been for the shock of ED and looking for an answer, I would not have even given it any thought.  It took almost 30 years to get to the point that the negative aspects were severe enough that I would even consider not using my beloved porn.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #163 on: May 09, 2015, 09:31:38 PM »
Good day today.

The weekends have tended to be a bit more of a struggle for me in the past.  The wife & kids usually sleep late on Saturdays and I get up early.  It usually gives me at least a couple of hours for PMO if not more.  In previous attempts, I would sometimes dread weekends because of he idle time and battles that would come because of it.

Today, I stayed busy and I never had the 1st thought cross my mind…not even one.  Man, what a good day today was.  I realize that it won't all be easy like today.  Trials will come, stress will come, temptations will come, but today was great.  I was like the guy who never had this burden to bare.  Wow…some guys just live their life without all of this…holy moly.

I sometime feel that it (the PMO addiction) is always with me.  I'm in a room living my life and porn is paintings hanging on each and every wall.  I try to look away, look down, look at what I am doing and try to focus on that, but the porn is still present.  I try not to let it move to the front of my thoughts, try not to give it any attention, but it seems present looking for a way to get my attention, nagging at me in the background.  I probably sound like a nut job, but it's hard to put into words.  However, today it wasn't there.  No anxiety, fighting, worry, images bouncing around in my head.

I want more of days like today.

I don't look at porn

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #164 on: May 09, 2015, 09:54:57 PM »
You can´t sound any nuttier than the rest of us addicts. Looking away or changing the channel in your mind is exactly what you should be doing. Great job.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #165 on: May 11, 2015, 05:08:23 PM »
I have not felt the constant companion of anxiety the last few days.  It comes & goes, but as long as I stay focused on other things, the anxiousness simply isn't there.

Today I had a couple of rough moments.  This afternoon I accidentally stumbled upon some thumbnail sized nudie images when doing an unrelated search at yahoo.  I could feel my pulse speed up and a rush in my brain.  I was at work and would not have had the opportunity to take it any further regardless, but ordinarily I would get tunnel vision and think of nothing but porn until I got the chance to binge.  In the past, I've had triggers in the morning before that kept me in a state of craving all day long.  Today, I clicked away & redirected my mind.  Then everything calmed down inside of me and at some point the situation left my consciousness.

My last hour at work is basically pointless.  The work day is done, but I stay an extra hour just in case we get a few more phone calls.  Usually very little is going on, so I surf the internet or do something to simply pass the time.  Today there was a noticeable feeling of tension and anxiety creeping in.  It wasn't porn thoughts...I've managed to get to the point I can feel them coming and turn my back to the porn monster, but just a sense of discomfort within my brain.  I'm sure it is just starvation for dopamine.  I can feel its craving.  Coming here, reading a few journals, commenting on a couple and then posting to my own has given me just enough redirection of focus to ease the edginess.

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #166 on: May 11, 2015, 07:23:31 PM »
Another successful day Unchained. I can relate to negative emotions that try to get in without being noticed, and once they`re in they act like wild bulls in a china shop. I watched too much of a dumb show today on TV and the commercials were highly sexualized. Eventually I turned the TV off, but I wish I had done it immediately. I felt guilt and depression seeping into my brain as if some negative force was peeing on my head. I am renewing my mind now and I know I'm going to be OK, but the experienced reminded me to have a clinical respect for how subtle and fast the wrong emotions can work on us. Peace brother.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #167 on: May 12, 2015, 05:28:54 PM »
I watched too much of a dumb show today on TV and the commercials were highly sexualized. Eventually I turned the TV off, but I wish I had done it immediately.

I have gotten to where I watch almost no TV.  Basically, it bores me to death.  I find myself scrolling through channels endlessly to finally settle on something that I don't enjoy anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if my mucked up brain reward system has made things that entertain other folks unpleasant to me.  Other times, I feel like I'm one of the few soles in the world that see TV for what it is...junkfood for the brain.  For now, I've decided to just roll with the punches.  My life is pretty busy anyway.  From the time I get home until 9:30'ish I am helping with homework, bath time, reading time, etc.  After that I immerse myself in addiction recovery.  I used to focus entirely on porn addiction but I've read everything I could find, so now I search for addiction recovery in more general terms.

I'm still a firm believer in cold showers.  It feels like they truly eliminate the withdrawals for the biggest part of the day...and I can use every bit of free help I can get.  Five minutes of heart pumping excitement at 7:30 AM and then I'm on a high that lasts at least until 2:00-3:00.  My new cold shower routine is to shower quick in water that is much much colder than comfortable, but no where near as cold as it will go.  Once clean, I crank it down all the way and stay in the water 4 more minutes (working up to 5).  While in the cold, I rotate, raise my arms, have it hit my face, over my head, the back of my shoulders, but I try to change positions every 15 seconds or so.  To keep from wimping out, I use a clock to make sure I don't cheat.

I can feel the difference and believe in the science that suggests they stimulate my addict brain's decreased dopamine receptors, which makes them react to my addict brain's limited dopamine output.  Basically, it makes me feel good, not depressed or anxious in the way that withdrawal has affected me before.  Who knows...maybe it's BS, but I do feel better and it feels like one small thing I can latch on to, just to help ease the anxiousness.  I think we all need something to latch on to...in a way, that is what porn was for many of us.  Now that it is gone, there has to be something to fill the void.  I freeze my balls when I get out of bed in the morning now instead of emptying them while looking at a screen like the rat hitting the dopamine button.  No longer do I start my morning feeling drained, I feel invigorated...not such a bad trade off.  If anyone has ever heard of CSIED (Cold Shower Induced Erectile Disfunction) please let me know and I'll stop.  For now, this seems to be working for me.

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #168 on: May 12, 2015, 05:54:41 PM »
Stay cold brother!

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #169 on: May 12, 2015, 08:35:46 PM »
Had successful sex with the wife after dinner tonight.

I'm not 100% sure how I feel about it though.  It certainly didn't arise from touch, cuddling or being in a loving moment.  Nope, I came home, spotted something about my wife that plays into one of my fetishes and kind of fell into a zone, like I saw porn.   My wife was living porn, but only she wasn't doing anything sexy…just preparing dinner.  I told her I basically "needed it".  She agreed and we went at it in a purely physical sense.

Now, don't get me wrong, I feel a calm relief that follows O and sex with my wife is probably my favorite activity, but it still feels like I used her physically like porn.  I am hoping in the end, this process will alter some of my views regarding sex and sexuality.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2015, 10:24:03 PM by unchained »

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #170 on: May 13, 2015, 07:15:37 AM »
Back to 20 days...20 has always seemed like a good start to me.  At three weeks many of the withdrawals have either eased or will do so soon.  Without having to deal with the anxiety, it can become easier to focus on the things that will bring about permanent change.

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #171 on: May 13, 2015, 10:21:32 AM »
I wouldn't worry too much about how you have sex with your wife. You are in recovery and getting healthier every day. If you have to objectify someone, who better to do it with than your hot wife in a loving and committed relationship? It doesn't mean that you objectify her as a person the same way we do with porn. I've done the same thing with my wife and as the poison of porn flushes out of my head, I am objectifying my wife less and enjoying her sexuality more.

Jimmy James

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #172 on: May 14, 2015, 05:09:26 AM »
The longer you go without porn, the less you will objectify your wife and other women.  It will take time.  But don't worry about this recent event.  Just don't let it be a trigger to go back to porn.  Let it be motivation to continue your reboot.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #173 on: May 14, 2015, 07:26:44 AM »
Thanks Chile & JJ.  I appreciate the encouragement and can use all I get.

Today marks 3 weeks for me...feeling good...not just about the time behind, but I feel I'm on very solid ground.

Today is a good day...one mile further from porn.

I do not look at porn


Jay1946

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #174 on: May 14, 2015, 08:46:02 AM »
For me the three week mark is when my cravings for a dopamine fix are at their max...that is, if I haven't fallen in the prior week of two. In the last week my brain has been using all kinds of excuses to get that dopamine rush, but so far I've resisted, thanks to the video in yourbrainonporn.com and the great encouragement from all of you guys here.

« Last Edit: May 14, 2015, 09:00:29 AM by Jay1946 »
Jay