Author Topic: 43 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn  (Read 69506 times)

lyon03

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #125 on: December 14, 2014, 03:10:55 AM »
What a wonderful and heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing. I've learned something today. PMO is an addiction, addicts are self-centred, and our d*ck obsessions are simply an extension of this negative self-centredness, shame, and guilt. Once we give over to others, like our wives, magically the wood performs because you are having meaningful sex with your brain/soul rather than just your penis. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

Poker

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #126 on: December 14, 2014, 11:30:28 PM »
That was an amazing post. Very inspiring.  :)


tryinghard46

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #127 on: December 17, 2014, 03:07:47 PM »
I've read through you're 2 months of recovery and I'm excited to hear if you're at day 60 and all's still good?  I just started recovery today. I'm 46 and started porn around 11, I'm not sure if I can do it or not.

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #128 on: December 17, 2014, 05:51:49 PM »
Hi Tryinghard
Of course you can do it. We're here to support you. Good luck on your journey, it's a worthwhile one.

I've read through you're 2 months of recovery and I'm excited to hear if you're at day 60 and all's still good?  I just started recovery today. I'm 46 and started porn around 11, I'm not sure if I can do it or not.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #129 on: December 17, 2014, 10:48:53 PM »
Hey guys.  Thanks for your posts.  All of your encouragement helps keep me focused on being a better person.

Tryinghard...live up to your namesake and you will not fail.  In the distance is a finish line.  It may be a long way, but it's not out of site.  I hope you never stumble and fall (as I have fallen), but if you do...look FORWARD to the end goal, get up...then walk...then jog...then run toward the finish line again.  Never let what happened last year, last week or yesterday keep you from focusing on the finish line.

Personally, I have felt very unsure of myself lately.  I feel like I am in a state of transition and it may last a while.  If you have read my journal from the start, you'll know that I have ocd tendencies and porn was a huge part of my life.  Porn withdrawal caused tremendous anxiety for me.  That has (thankfully) eased over the last few weeks.  My unease comes from the fact that I am getting better, I suppose.  The best way I know to describe what I am feeling is that it seems I am letting my guard down.  At some point, it has to happen.  I can't live the rest if my life focused on not focusing on porn.  In some way, that keeps the thought of porn alive.

It's a tough spot.  It's like holding onto the bicycle seat with your child learning to ride.  When do you let go?  Too soon and it's a crash...never let go and they will always be dependent.  Me...I suppose that I need to be peddling on my own, but still need a guiding hand two inches from the seat running alongside of me...all you dads who have had kids know exactly what I mean.

For me, the guiding hand is this forum.  Your comments encourage and stabilize me when I wobble. Some day, I hope to break free, pedal hard and not look back.  However, I realize that I am not ready to leave behind my safety net just yet.

lyon03

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #130 on: December 18, 2014, 01:27:43 AM »
Ahhh self-doubt. I think it's when you change but feel disconnected from your life because your circumstances haven't changed. This reminds me of the summer of 1990. I had just come back from a life-changing summer in Europe. I had learned a new language, worked in the Alps, rock climbed, lost my virginity, learned to scuba dive in the Med, and generally had an amazing time. I flew home bursting with happiness and ready to share these experiences with my friends/family. Cut to the family kitchen. I got about 60 seconds into my story when my mom cut me off. "Look at these t-shirts I just bought on our trip to Florida." No one really cared.

I guess that while you've gone through a complete transformation, you're still living the same life. This can be disappointing. But WE all understand what you're going through. Just because we don't get a big, gold 'PORN FREE' star doesn't mean you haven't made progress.

Keep posting and keep going brother. While the other people in your life may not understand the full transformation, WE all do. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Poker

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #131 on: December 18, 2014, 11:32:06 PM »
I want you to look at this way.....   this problem is totally fixable.  Totally and completely.   And.... its also breakable again.  Do not put yourself through this incredible process of getting better and rewiring, only to throw it away down the road.....

Cheers,

p.

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #132 on: December 23, 2014, 12:22:18 AM »
Hi Unchained
For me, there is nothing wrong with having to keep the safety net. It might be prudent. 
Look at trapeze artists for example. They always have a safety net. And even with a safety net there is still the possibility that they can fall awkwardly onto the net and still get hurt. 

A positive spin-off of staying within the safety net of this forum is that it gives us the opportunity to support others because we've been there, we're rebooters ourselves.

When I joined the forum, I was on here every day and even more than once a day. It was like oxygen to me. But when the 'novelty' wore off, I realized that I was still the one who had to deal with my everyday stuff. I couldn't be on the forum constantly. I had to carry on with my life.

While great to know that there is a safety net, I think it helps us grow legs to face our challenges on our own. I still both want to and need to check in regularly as it firstly keeps me on track and secondly because I feel a responsibility towards the community.

All the best to you. I can't get into your shoes regarding ocd. I can only sympathize.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #133 on: April 24, 2015, 09:10:43 AM »
Hey...I'm back.  I need the accountability of this forum to help me stay on track.  At about 60 days or so I slipped.  After that, I slowly fell back into my old habits.  At first, it was once a week, then twice, then eventually most every day.

I have managed a few 4 or 5 day abstinence streaks, but my devotion was only half hearted and only lasted a short while.

I've got more to share, but for now I just needed to get a first post out there....I've been putting it off.  I keep telling myself "I'll get back on track tomorrow".  Well, tomorrow is today.

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #134 on: April 24, 2015, 09:31:57 AM »
Glad you came back Unchained. You can do 1 week, then 30 days, then 60 days again, whatever you`re comfortable with. From there you will be all the more wiser because you`ve been there before. Peace brother.

sodonewithit

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #135 on: April 24, 2015, 09:37:36 AM »
Coming back is a far better option than staying away.  Everyone here understands and isn't judging so it's just good to see you using the support.
My wife told me to be a participant not a voyeur, I think we should all do this.

Watched "Hot Girls Wanted", all us guys should.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #136 on: April 25, 2015, 09:51:59 PM »
Today was good. I stayed busy pretty much all day. I spent this afternoon helping a buddy lift his Jeep.

My usual pmo routine is first thing in the morning.  This morning I woke up horny for porn.  I was awake a good 2 hours before the wife and kids and spent the time here reading journals.

I quit posting in December and it is amazing how many new guys are here.  I suppose that is good and bad.  It is sad just how many guys find themselves addicted to porn, but the good is that many are finding sites like this for support.

Once again I find myself disappointed in my behavior, but I am optomistic about the future. I feel calm in this attempt knowing what to expect. In the past, it was success that tripped me up.  Things were going great and I would slip up...maybe I got over confident. This time I don't want free of porn to make my dick work...I want free of porn to make my life work.

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #137 on: April 26, 2015, 07:38:50 PM »
You have the right attitude Unchained. You're best days are ahead of you as you leave porn behind. For some reason restoration is sweeter than never needing to be restored.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #138 on: April 27, 2015, 06:09:54 AM »
Still doing well. This morning marks 4 days.  I have had a few urges, but no real anxiety yet. For that I am glad.

Previously, my only real withdrawal symptom was extreme anxiety. I'm beginning to wonder how much of that was in my head...I tend to be a worrier.  At the moment I feel quite at ease.

Today I get to skip work b/c my daughter has a field trip & I am going along.  Parents drive separate from the bus and it is at least an hour drive, so I plan to listen to Gabe's videos while I drive.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #139 on: April 27, 2015, 09:02:29 PM »
I had a great day today!

I live in East Tennessee in one of the most beautiful parts  of the world.  Springtime is incredible here.  Today I accompanied my daughter on a school field trip to the mountains and we had a wonderful time.  Since I took the whole day off work, this afternoon I worked in my lawn and listened to audio from Gary, Gabe & Noah and it kept me positive & optimistic all day long.

My previous attempts always had a more "white-knuckled" feel to them, some more than others.  I know 4 days isn't incredible, but I feel good.  Maybe there is a tinge of anxiety, but completely manageable...at least so far.  At the moment I feel like my porn addiction is/was a great big bag of shit.  I carried it around on my back since I was about 12-13 years old.  I set it down again almost 5 days ago and my goal is to get as far away from that bag of shit as I can.  In getting away from porn addiction, distance is time.  The biggest distance I can fathom is forever.  For now, its one day at a time…whatever it takes.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #140 on: April 28, 2015, 12:54:56 PM »
Feeling some withdrawals today...not too bad, but a bit uncomfortable.  At work I am stuck behind a desk which makes it worse.  I feel slightly anxious and my head is a little swimmy...kind of like the way I feel when hung over, but after the headache is gone.

I'll remain optomistic.  It is easier to feel that way this time around, because I know it's temporary.  My first attempt was very difficult because I had no idea how long withdrawal would last or how bad it would get.

Since I fell off the wagon, my pmo sessions were relatively short...a half hour or so.  I don't know if that will make a difference in withdrawal symptoms.  Before I would edge and keep my dopamine levels through the roof for hours at a time.  Hopefully my brain won't scream as hard this time.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #141 on: April 29, 2015, 03:19:19 PM »
Another decent day so far.  Porn cravings are pretty mild, but I feel a tension building from a lack of o.

I've had successful sex with wife pretty regularly since October.  At that time I was about 3 weeks into my 1st reboot. Even during my Jan-mid April relapse we were still having regular sex. I had a failure two weeks ago (but I did get it up later that day for sex) which got my attention and caused me to recommit to my reboot.

I'm a little anxious to try right now, but would really like some sex. Part of me says to wait and part of me feels I should go for it. 

sodonewithit

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #142 on: April 29, 2015, 07:21:51 PM »
My own thoughts on sex are positive as I believe the clear separation between a warm woman and a cold screen is what I need.  I've found myself wanting it more but I'm not sure if it's the hit, the comfort or the sex.  Nonetheless it can't hurt and itis a better ioption than the other.
My wife told me to be a participant not a voyeur, I think we should all do this.

Watched "Hot Girls Wanted", all us guys should.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #143 on: April 30, 2015, 07:24:33 AM »
Made it back to a full week...wahoo!  Feels good. I made up my mind that I will stay positive in this process and will celebrate even small successes.

My PMO habit was usually first thing in the morning.  I would grab my laptop and head to the bathroom.  I now come here.  I keep having relapse dreams right before I wake up.  It's happened at least the last 4 mornings.  I know not to hold myself accountable for the dreams, but it sure would be nice if they would stop.  I suppose my brain has been conditioned for its porn dopamine fix when I get out of bed and is acting like the dog who salivates to the sound of a bell.  It's time for some retraining I reckon.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #144 on: April 30, 2015, 09:41:23 AM »
I didn't mention this earlier this morning b/c I was afraid I may chicken out, but I decided today to take the plunge and try the whole cold shower bit.   If you haven't heard it before, check out the following link to Gary Wilson's radio show.  His conversation is not completely about porn recovery, but it is still interesting:

http://archive.org/download/Cyber20130409/cyber20130409.mp3

Anyway, I tried it and the after affects are quite impressive.  I must admit that I kind of eased into things. I started the shower cooler than what was comfortable and cleaned up real quick.  After that I kept turning the water colder and colder until it was as cold as it would go.  It was so cold it took my breath away at moments and I had to step away from the water.  After a moment, I decided to force myself to stay in the stream for one minute, so I counted to 60 very, very slowly.  At first, it was almost painful.  By the time I got to 50, I started counting even slower.  I was almost feeling "fuck you cold water, I'm a man!".  What a rush!

On a side note, I really love to laugh.  Humor is what helps me through the day.  If you want to see something really funny, you need to check out the appearance of an already shriveled flatline dick after you get out of a freezing cold shower...quite humorous indeed.

In the past, the shower has tripped me up on more than one occasion.  I'm not dead set against MO, but it always eventually led me back to P.  I can tell you that stroking my dick was the last thing on my mind in freezing water.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #145 on: May 01, 2015, 05:05:59 PM »
Did the cold shower again this morning.  I think I'll keep it up for a while.  It really is amazing how it makes you feel.  I feel more positive, awake, energetic...but mostly ALIVE.  My anxiety is also tons less.

I have avoided any and all sexual imagery for the last 8.5 days.  I won't even look at ads in the Sunday paper. For me it is not just porn, but anything sexual.  I've not mo'd to a bikini pic since I was 12-13, heck something like that wouldn't stand a chance to get me hard.  I need much more explicit material than that.  However, mild stuff gets my mind going and the next thing you know I would be craving porn.  Then it becomes a wrestling match that I sometimes win, sometimes loose.  At best, I end up anxious and unhappy...at worst, I dig my hole of addiction deeper.

I am positive that, once again, a week of porn didn't kill me.  I know the results that will soon come and am at peace with the fact that some healing may take time.  I have a supportive wife.  That means a lot, but she doesn't truly understand what it takes to break this addiction....how could she?

I feel like I have more to say, but one finger typing on a phone sucks.  Besides, it's Friday night and I'm getting off work.  Think I'll get something for the grill and few cold beers.

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #146 on: May 02, 2015, 06:54:51 PM »
Unchained, your posts are funny and informative. I´m still too chicken to do the cold showers but I hope to man up and make them a regular part of my routine.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #147 on: May 02, 2015, 09:46:07 PM »
Thanks for the reply Chile. You should try the cold shower sometime. Guys have posted about it in their journals, but I was always afraid to try.  It does seem to help improve optimism, reduce anxiety and pretty much lasts all day long.

Today was a great day. I got up early and was working on the lawn by 8:30 (I usually drag my butt  around the house on Saturdays).  I came in from mowing and BAM!...the wife was getting out of the shower.  I promise not to throw out any unintentional triggers, but I have been like a monk on this reboot, no peeps, no peeks, no thoughts that I let linger and I honestly kind of hoped to avoid something like this for a bit.  However I was functional and am quite happy to report good sex.

If that set me back...so be it.  I have since felt great all day.  Felt good about myself, felt good to be intimate with my wife...just felt great all around. I am well aware of the chaser (been bit by it before), but if it comes knocking tomorrow, I'll just have to spend a little more quality time with the wife.

I've been listening to all of Gary Wilson's radio shows.  They (all 30 something of them) are available at yourbrainonporn.com.  I am a devout Christian and truly believe in the power of prayer and in the faith that God can see us through all things. In this moment it helps me to focus on the science.  I tend to see things logically. It helps to know, learn & understand the brain changes that have taken place.  It helps provide the tools and understanding needed to combat withdrawal from porn addiction.  From there, I rely on faith that God will give me strength to conquer any trials I may have, as well as His faithfulness to see me through and the grace to forgive me for the mess that I caused in the first place.

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #148 on: May 02, 2015, 09:58:31 PM »
Good sex with the wife helps to re-wire your brain for healthy dopamine. Real sex becomes becomes better than pixel sex once again. It´s part of the recovery process and totally worth any chaser effect you might have to deal with. I´m glad you appreciate the science aspect and don´t discount the spiritual side of things. I´m going to give myself a goal of trying the cold showers before the month is over.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #149 on: May 05, 2015, 07:04:34 AM »
If anyone has read back through my journal, you'll know that I feel like I have slight OCD tendencies (never diagnosed).  Most anything that is in my life that I attach any importance to, I focus on it 100% and end up becoming a walking encyclopedia on the subject.  I've been that way most of my life.  Sports, hobbies, porn, whatever it was...in the old days, I would amass a library of books & magazines and memorize anything I could regarding the interest.  Now, of course, we have internet sites for everything under the sun as well as forums on every topic that I can read and learn even more.  Because of that personality trait and how porn works in the brain in all people, I was literally addicted to porn from the first time I saw it.  I was porn's perfect addict.

Now, the current focus of my attention (aside from learning about how addiction affects the brain) is lawn care…yes lawn care.  My wife and I built a new home in 2013 and I want a lawn like a golf course, maybe better.  Anyway, I've spent the last year immersed in professional lawn care forums, sate university agricultural sites, etc learning about how to achieve what I am looking for and have learned something about grass that also applies to the brain.  One can waste a lot of energy trying to eliminate weeds.  And while it may be appropriate to pull or poison weeds when you see them, the best prevention for weeds is to have a thick turf to begin with.  The better the turf, the less chance a weed can become established to begin with.  It is the same with your brain.  Keep it occupied and full with good, and the bad (porn thoughts) will appear less often and individual weeds here and there are easy to deal with.  You have to deal with the bad thoughts, but if you don't keep your mind occupied, keeping all of the bad thoughts plucked can be overpowering.  My goal is to focus on making my thoughts good, thus choking out the bad rather than staying so focused on fighting the bad all day…now, if I could just get it full of good quickly enough to prevent any weed growth, lol.