Author Topic: 43 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn  (Read 70219 times)

savingmysoul

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #100 on: November 13, 2014, 12:22:59 PM »
Grats on getting back to 26 days - 27 is right around the corner.

Funny what ones brain will do. 

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #101 on: November 14, 2014, 04:43:40 PM »
Wahoo.  I am at a personal best now. From today forward I am in uncharted waters.  Feels good.  The last few days have been the best since I started this reboot 54 days ago.  I actually felt normal...no anxiety or constant self evaluation.  I still came here, read some success stories & journals and even had a few bad thoughts run through my mind, but for the first time I feel like I am just living my life and not trapped inside of a porn addiction hell hole.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #102 on: November 14, 2014, 09:52:36 PM »
Today my wife & I left for a long weekend trip for out 10th anniversary.  Tonight we had crazy good relations...and I had a bit too much to drink.  Man that is good for the ego!

Stay strong.  Some guys have seen improvements faster and some slower, but it does happen.  Guess I'm not one of those two week guys, but progress is being made.
« Last Edit: November 15, 2014, 07:35:45 AM by unchained »

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #103 on: November 16, 2014, 08:53:22 AM »
Reading journals and saw I am at 29.  The last couple days have been easy, but I have also had no temptations or alone time.  Feeling good, but must not let guard down.

Poker

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #104 on: November 16, 2014, 09:29:24 PM »
I also think of VH when I see your handle.....    :)

Proud of you man....  you seem to be doing a lot better in your journey.  It really does give a guy like me hope just starting my journey.

Cheers,

p.

savingmysoul

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #105 on: November 17, 2014, 07:47:00 AM »
Grats on the 30 day goal!

Keep the momentum moving you to a better place.

nobother

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #106 on: November 17, 2014, 12:54:13 PM »
I would hate to think about how many hours/days/weeks I have wasted on porn.  It's amazing that when I was actively doing it I would tell myself "Just one or two more videos. . . ." and before long another hour or two hours is gone.

I have had a l-o-n-g history of PMO.....since high school.  Of course, back then we only had magazines and bad VHS videos.  Now it's high speed to hell with the internet.

Hope you are well and achieving your goals.  I just passed my first week without PMO (wohoo!).  It was not without difficulty.  Keep moving forward - and not look back (hard to do, I know).

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #107 on: November 17, 2014, 05:31:16 PM »
Hi Buddy, you did it  :D 30 Days, congrats on that tick, keep going, you're doing great and inspiring us.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #108 on: November 17, 2014, 10:07:59 PM »
Thanks guys .  Your encouragement truly means the world to me.

30 days has never been my true goal, but I wanted to hit a few mile markers along the way.  I'll bask in the glow of my check mark for a day or two and then bump it up.

I am still happy to be feeling normal again.  No superpowers...just ok with myself...that and my penis is functioning...lol.

Part of me still misses looking at naked women, I mean, what's not to like about naked women? But I realize  now that doing so damages me in many ways...physically, spiritually, marriage, time from kids work & hobbies, you name it.  At the end of the day, I still kind of miss it, but I know the things I want and treasure more are harmed by it.

I feel as though I am making progress to where I need to be.  It is not realistic to think I can live the rest of my life white knuckled resisting porn like the first week or two.  I also cannot spend all of my free time here to keep myself occupied & focused.  Those things were needed but looking forward, it has to come down to one simple little choice...my life without porn is better than my life with porn.  It is as simple as that.

Just like my life without cigarettes.  The cravings got weaker & weaker. Now, 99 out of 100 times I smell smoke it disgusts me. I don't wish to be the guy puffing away, in fact, I feel for him trapped in addiction.  But there is that occasional time it smells good.  It will probably always be that way.  My father quit smoking 5 years before I was born and he says he still misses it sometimes.  You just have to get to a place where you not only know you are better without it, but get to a place in your own mind that you aren't fighting "against" addiction any longer, but fighting "for" the better life without it.

For me...that has been the tipping point.  I feel the further I distance myself from porn, the less its gravity can pull me.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2014, 10:09:57 PM by unchained »

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #109 on: November 21, 2014, 09:46:38 AM »
Changed my counter from 30 day goal to 60 days.

Think I'll work harder moving forward to avoid mo.  I have drastically reduced from a couple of times a day when I was using porn to a couple of times a week in the shower.  I would like to direct all of my sexual energy toward my wife.

Accountable

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #110 on: November 21, 2014, 02:37:57 PM »
I'm fairly new here and just spent the past little bit reading your entire journal.  Great read.  Alot of your issues sound like mine as well, which I suppose is true of most guys here.  Nice to see everyone has ups and downs and advice on how to handle each one.  Congrats on your recent success and continued good luck!

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #111 on: November 21, 2014, 07:25:23 PM »
Good luck buddy
Changed my counter from 30 day goal to 60 days.

Think I'll work harder moving forward to avoid mo.  I have drastically reduced from a couple of times a day when I was using porn to a couple of times a week in the shower.  I would like to direct all of my sexual energy toward my wife.
Soon you'll set your counter to 'eternity'  8) Commending you on your intentions. You can do it and enjoy the lasting benefits. Considered asking your wife to help with MO instead of you doing it? I don't think it will count as MO if your wife is involved. Thoughts?

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #112 on: November 21, 2014, 08:11:06 PM »
Thanks for the thoughts guys.

Accountable...I am familiar with your story, too.  I read everything posted here in the old guys forum.  I wish you well, too.

Horpio...I like the way you think!  Your suggestion is funny b/c that is exactly what happened this morning.  Wife is having period.  Told her the joke about the whole theme park doesn't shut down just b/c the roller coaster isn't working.  Anyway I got a bj/hj before going to work.

I would have posted that earlier, but didn't want my journal to become posts of nothing more than me getting off.  However, I will say I am seeing improvements in many ways.  There is a long way to go for sure.  I have morning wood some days, some not.  I have had sex with wife 3 x's plus a bj in the last two weeks without any issues.  I can mo on my own and try not to think of porn (sometimes old images still pop up and are hard to chase away in the heat of the moment).  Now...if I were a single dude, I'm  not 100% sure I would be confident to pick up a lady for a hook up.  But I am relaxed with a woman who I have a 15 year history of good sex with (it doesn't hurt she's dang sexy to me and I love her in addition to the fact that I find her desirable).  I am sure that comfort helps tremendously.

Each success builds my confidence.  I believe that pied can cause performance anxiety and the two feed each other.  I remember "proving" to myself that I was ok by jerking off to porn after failing with my wife.  After learning about pied, there were enough ed instances in totality that caused a LOT of anxiety towards sex in general.  I looked at my wife and always wanted her, but dreaded and feared making a move.  That is breaking down.  I dug the hole a little deeper every day, now I am climbing out a little bit every day.
« Last Edit: November 21, 2014, 08:24:31 PM by unchained »

Poker

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #113 on: November 21, 2014, 11:19:11 PM »
I am very pleased to see progress.....   it really does make it worth it.   :)

Cheers!

p.

2heal

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #114 on: November 21, 2014, 11:45:02 PM »
Unchained, I'm glad you're having some success.  I'm in that dreaded position you referred to.  I'm not sure how much of my problem is pied and how much is anxiety.  I know for sure there was/is pied, I'm just having trouble figuring out if any remaining issues are pied.  I had so many failures before I divorced that I know anxiety is an issue for me.  And, since I am single now, I fear getting into a relationship or even looking for a hookup, strictly for fear of failure.  I'm afraid to even test it.  It's such an embarrassment to fail.  Keep keeping on.  We want to hear about your progress.  It helps keep us motivated.  I for one think I'm going to have to get M out of my life completely.  I think it's slowing my process down. 


rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #115 on: November 23, 2014, 11:45:04 PM »
Hi Unchained,
Just caught up with your posts. Glad to hear all is going well with you. Great work my friend. keep it up.

Rider

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #116 on: November 26, 2014, 12:50:10 AM »
Hey buddy

Things seem to be going fine on your side. Glad to hear that. Sounds as if you have a great relationship with your wife, something to feel proud of and very grateful for. Keep on posting.

lyon03

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #117 on: November 26, 2014, 11:20:11 AM »
Great post unchained. Glad to read you're reconnecting with your wife, rather than a screen. Porn kills love. Stay strong brother. We're all in this together.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #118 on: December 03, 2014, 09:35:59 PM »
I need to catch up in my journal a bit tonight.  Some good, some bad...but I am in a good spot.

First, I want to thank you guys for your encouragement.  I've been here daily, but some days felt like I didn't have much to say, a couple of days I was discouraged and ashamed, and later I felt so good that I didn't want to post without catching my journal up completely.

My last post was on Friday the 21st.  The following Tuesday I was cruising along nicely...feeling normal, my anxiety had pretty much disappeared, confidence on the return...all things well.  Work was light late in the day and I was feeling nostalgic.  I decided to see if I could locate and possibly contact a few old Navy buddies I haven't seen in 20 years.  So, I found one name on a LinkedIn account, but his photo was tiny and the info was limited b/c I dont have an account.  I don't care for social media, but thought, "what the heck?" & registered for an account.  Once I made an account & logged on, the sight brought up links to dozens of people I know.  I assume the computer sees into my browsing history...deleted & otherwise, because among those shown was a nude model in Europe I had Googled in the past.  When I saw her link...I got tunnel vision.

In that instant, I forgot all else. I left the site & googled her name for photos.  Before I go too far, I'd like to clarify that I didn't PMO, but it wasn't much better.  I was like a starving man, who after walked across the desert without food & water stumbled across an all-you-can-eat buffet.  I endulged.  I wish I didn't, but I did.  I looked for a long time, horny as hell.  I made up my mind (in a crazy stupid way) to mo later, but not while looking at the porn. Eventually, I had to leave and shut off my computer.  I was on my way to the bathroom to MO....stopped in my tracks and said loudly "fuck no!" & went home in that instant.

I felt like shit.  I felt like maybe I should reset my counter even though I stopped before falling off the cliff.  At the same time, I felt some accomplishment in backing away from the edge.  Even still, I was kicking myself for having to back away.  The best way to keep ones self from falling off the cliff is to stay away from the edge.  In fact, don't even go within a freaking mile of the cliff...then it is of no danger...

Ugh...that is what I wrestled with most of last week.  By the weekend, I began to feel easy in my skin again.  I had successful relations with the wife again on Saturday and Sunday.  The last few days have been great.  I've read many posts that there are ups & downs...that is for dang sure.

It still bugs me that I was weak enough to tempt myself & view porn early last week, but I am in a positive mindset at the moment.  I know my actions didn't honor my wife, my family or myself, but I am definitely in a better place than I was a few months ago.  I have gone from 1-2 pmo's daily to 1 PMO in over 70 days followed by a porn session without MO.  Yep, those 2 slips aren't perfect, but I am a work in progress...moving forward and getting better.  So far this week, porn hasn't crossed my mind....no bs.

Oh, I believe and have mentioned in posts here and to others that I believe pied leads to performance anxiety.  One feeds the other.  It is also true that success builds success.  Since having good sex with the wife, my confidence has rebounded and I am more aggressive in making a move.  Thankfully, my wife is pretty much always receptive.  I feel confident, so I try more.  I get (and give) more, which makes me more confident, so I am eager to go for it again.

I know those of us here have entirely different situations & hopes regarding quitting porn.  I hope to walk away from the porn addiction that has effected my thoughts & actions for 25+ years as well as stop the pied that popped up rather recently.  I want a mind free of porn (pure as possible after all of the garbage I have allowed in) and a healthy and loving sexual relationship with my wife.  On both accounts, I am infinitely closer than I was at the end of September.
« Last Edit: June 12, 2015, 07:24:36 PM by unchained »

lyon03

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #119 on: December 04, 2014, 12:28:20 AM »
Thanks for your honest and heartfelt post. You stared down the beast...and won! This is a victory. We spend our entire lives feeding this addiction. We then have to cut it out, day by day, hour by hour. This is both painful and rewarding. So inevitably things pop up, like your model, and trigger us. I'd come back to the above post every time you feel an urge. Remember how much shame you felt when looking at porn and as this will help to stop. Unlike most guys on this website, it sounds like you have a supportive wife who still enjoys sex...CHERISH THAT! Why then focus on your limp noodle? Don't focus so much on your d*ck. You can give her the world's strongest orgasm without ever using your penis. Once I let go of my d*ck obsession, I had the most intimate sex ever. I'm rooting for you. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   

2heal

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #120 on: December 04, 2014, 06:40:37 PM »
It's posts like this that helps me.  It helps me realize I'm not alone in this struggle.  We have our good days and we have are bad days.  The important thing is that you get back on track and carry on.  Yeah, you may have looked at a little porn, but you had the wherewithal to hold back from the MO too.  In the past, you would have given in.  That shows your progress.  I'm glad you're beating this thing.  You're going to make it!


unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #121 on: December 05, 2014, 09:53:43 PM »
Thanks Lyon & 2heal.

Lyon, you are right.  I do have a great wife who is all i could hope for in a spouse.  Without a doubt, having her in my life has made this and all other aspects of my life better.  She is truly a gift to me from God.  I need to not only remember that, but also accept the responsibility that was entrusted to me by Him to be a good husband to her.  I am completely familiar with your situation...from post 1 to now.  I hope you find a love that empowers you to to be the best person you can be, but also gives you a sense of comfort and ease.  I have that....always have, but MY actions because of MY addiction has hidden that from me.  Thanks be to God that it I did not loose it forever.

2heal...thanks for your comment.  I have gained tremendously from the lessons learned from guys I admired being honest about their mistakes.  I love success stories and they motivate me, but my path has not been perfect and when I see others keep going after trips and falls it keeps me going, too.  Rider has been here less frequently lately, but he and I f'd up right at the same time when he was around 60 days and I was about 26.  Those 1st couple weeks were so difficult and he was one I followed & looked up to a lot (still do).  I was crushed when I slipped and didn't even want to come here.  A couple days later I came to the nation and saw him say he caved.  Now, I am not saying that I am glad he slipped because I hope every single person here succeeds, but his honesty motivated me to step back up to the plate, admit my own failure, but more importantly put it behind me and carry on...ever forward.

I'm embarrassed for my behavior last week.  At the same time, I am proud that I walked away when I never could have done so before...it's not perfect, but I hope my situation may help the "me" from before. Hopefully that person may see that while it's not the ideal to mess up, it's not the end of the world either.  Just keep making progress.  Two steps forward and one step back is better than no steps forward....

...having said that, I am aiming for two steps forward, no steps back...for eternity.

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #122 on: December 07, 2014, 05:34:18 PM »
You are doing great Unchained. On 50 days now :D Keep on posting and we'll keep on reading and drawing inspiration from your story.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #123 on: December 12, 2014, 09:17:54 PM »
Feeling good this week.  Mostly just life happening, work, kids, etc.

I must be honest in what initially motivated me to attempt to quit pmo, it was what I believe to be pied.  It wasn't a constant companion, but happened enough to cause me tremendous anxiety.  Previously, my entire life was focused on my dick, whether watching porn or having sex with my wife.  I enjoyed both...frequently...and felt like I was impotent when I had failures with her.

I am now thankful that porn addiction leads to pied, because if it didn't, I would never have decided to quit.  I am/was a selfish enough person that had there been no physical consequences, I would still be mired in the same behavior.   The attempt fix my dick has improved my life so much more.

The big things we discuss here seem to be coming true.  I am having more frequent sex with the wife and I LOVE that.  I feel closer to her, not just b/c the sex, but we are more engaged. It helps I don't waste 2-3 hours a day looking at porn, but I now go to bed when she does, we talk before going to sleep.  I don't spend my mornings in the bathroom with my laptop. I get ready and have time for her before starting my day.  We don't live a romance novel by any means, but we communicate better about things big and small.

Two months ago, that would have been all I hoped for.  However, I've discovered something far greater.  I no longer feel enslaved.  I no longer feel the miserable anxiety after a day without porn.  It still haunts me, but I feel free of the chains.  There is a long road ahead, but my days are not spent in constant wander of whether there is some model out there I haven't seen nudie yet.  I feel free...I feel ok to just live my normal day, and while the demons are there at times, they are quieter than they have been since I was just a boy.

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #124 on: December 13, 2014, 09:20:59 PM »
Wow! That's a great, encouraging, inspirational and positive post buddy. You are truly becoming unchained. Good to hear about the improved relationship with your wife and the effort you put into that.