Author Topic: 43 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn  (Read 66899 times)

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #25 on: October 03, 2014, 08:24:37 AM »
Having tough time pushing porn memories out of my mind this morning. It's difficult not to daydream when I am driving. Still completely clean on porn...no cheating, but I worry about these memories. I worry if even porn thoughts slow my progress.  I just got to work and snuck off to bathroom to post here. For just one instant, I heard my brain tell me to take a peak at porn instead of coming here. I never really considered it, but I heard it loud & clear.

Just posting here now has calmed me.  My thoughts have gone a new direction & I am relaxed.  Three weeks ago that would never have happened. If I got porn on the mind, I would have been a wreck until I got pmo.

Havetodothis40

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #26 on: October 03, 2014, 09:36:33 AM »
Congrats on avoiding the urges.  I come here a lot when I feel some urges, just to remind me of how badly I need this to work.

You're doing great.

savingmysoul

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #27 on: October 03, 2014, 11:20:59 AM »
Hang in there - the memories/images/etc. will fade over time.  All the work you do to catch yourself when you do see the images and redirecting your energy becomes less of a planned response and becomes automatic.  I have seen this - I did not have to go through urges/triggers and stuff, but an image would flash in from time to time and I would catch it immediately and redirect my thought to a new healthy thought - my family, my wife, things I needed to get done, etc.  I go days now with out having to deal with that stuff.  What has happened is all these new healthy thoughts are happening now without any effort - they are there, and there is no room for any of that crap from the dark side.

Stay strong - you are doing great!

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #28 on: October 03, 2014, 11:38:02 AM »
Thanks.  I've read both of your journals entirely and am pulling for you as well.

One thing I did very early on was to set my phone to send me a message every day at noon.  It reads "Not Now...Not Ever."  Even though I know it's coming, I'm usually not thinking about it and it takes me by surprise.  This morning I decided to add a different one for when I get up & a couple more during the day.  A little motivational message couldn't hurt.

I know at some point that focusing on quitting porn won't  be an all day deal...that I'll just live my life. It was the same thing when I quit smoking.  For a while, a few weeks I guess, I had to focus on it almost constantly.  As time passed, so did the cravings and eventually I didn't even think about it anymore.

savingmysoul

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #29 on: October 03, 2014, 12:01:06 PM »
You WILL get to that point, trust me.


unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #30 on: October 03, 2014, 03:55:32 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement. Today I really needed it.  I think I allowed myself to let images linger in my mind for too long this morning and it has caused a feeling of anxiety all day.  I draw strength from those of you who have traveled further down the road and say it gets better. I believe in healing if I work the process.


unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #31 on: October 04, 2014, 03:11:07 PM »
Just got to beach.  It was a long 9 hour drive. Kept porn out of my mind but have CRAZY anxiety thinking about having sex with wife this week. Still haven't  unloaded luggage...just needed to check in here.  I am not worried about a porn slippage, I just wish this anxiety would go away.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #32 on: October 05, 2014, 08:19:46 AM »
Today marks two weeks since my last PMO.

I had a dream last night that I went on a 1-2 day PMO binge.  It was almost like I caught myself in my own dream and held myself accountable.  I remember feeling awful...almost suicidal in my dream.  It was a huge relief when I woke and realized that I have not slipped.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #33 on: October 05, 2014, 09:52:29 AM »
I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on this.

I've mentioned before that over time I developed a couple of fetishes.  The biggest of which is a female foot fetish. Yesterday on the drive here, my wife relaxing in the passenger's seat would put one of her bare feet on the dash.  I found myself not able to not fixate on her foot. Sure enough I got an erection.  She noticed me touching my dick and laughingly asked if I had a problem.  She knows about my "foot thing", but I suppose to someone without hang-ups, she doesn't realize what it was doing to me.  I asked her to keep them covered the rest of the way here.

Does anyone else have any experience with this?  One one hand, I hope my fetishes fade a bit.  Sometimes during sex, I would have to totally zone out of everything except my wife's foot to stay erect.  All the while I have a beautiful loving wife, who is great in bed by the way, completely into the sex...that should be my focus...not just her feet.  On the other hand, I like feet.  I don't want to completely loose that either.  I just hope I achieve some balance where I don't require that focus.

Anyway, what troubles me is that I was sitting there viewing her much like I would have porn.  It wasn't like we were in bed playing.  She was silently resting and I was gawking.  I was able to get it up, but the prospect of real sex scares me.  There are times I think I could take a naked picture of my wife, walk into the next room and get hard looking at it when I can't when we are together in bed.

Until my last ed issue 3 weeks ago, we had regular & good sex with an occasional issue.  I know the cause of that.  I should have more confidence, but for some reason...have none.

I feel that one or two positive experiences could give me back the confidence I need, but a couple of failures could toss me into the abyss.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #34 on: October 05, 2014, 05:21:43 PM »
Mental roller coaster today...fucking nightmare.  Half naked chick's everywhere...including wife. Know she's willing. Doubting self. Staring at hot women knowing damn well my cock would not be up for it. Feel like crying. Feel like going crazy.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #35 on: October 05, 2014, 05:47:24 PM »
Just took shower...so damn crazy I tested erection again...required fantasy to get it up.  Damn I feel like I am treading water. Didn't O but came close enough that some cum came out. I am my own worst enemy.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #36 on: October 05, 2014, 06:40:40 PM »
Watching cartoons with kids. Feel I am down off the edge. I am like Fonzie for the moment.  Think I need to take sex off the table for a bit.  I know it would feel nice and give me confidence (if successful), but maybe I'd be better off just not worrying about my dick whatsoever...focus energy on staying away from porn (doing good at that) and occupying myself with family.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #37 on: October 06, 2014, 10:12:12 AM »
Just had a talk with the wife. Feel ok I suppose.  Beginning to realize  this is going to be a long process.  Took me 27 years do dig this hole..I suppose it will take longer than 2 weeks to get out of it.

savingmysoul

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #38 on: October 06, 2014, 10:44:31 AM »
Hang in there,

It is a process - and it will take longer than two weeks.  It may take a lot longer, or it may not.

You seem to have the fortitude to endure the times you have described, and that is a big part of the battle - you recongnize your triggers/urges and you seem to be dealing with them well.  These are the things you need to continue to build on.  I would also agree with you that you need to give yourself a rest - especially the brain.  I am over 9 months free from P & M, but still struggling with PIED.  I just completed a 6 week abstinance with questionable improvements - my wife and I are getting ready to start another period of rest.  While I don't have the personal experience yet to confirm that this is critical to success, I do believe that abstinance for long periods is the way to go (others have done this and have had some success) I do believe that no O is the key.  I hope to have some good positive results to feed back with.

As far as testing yourself - I have not even tried.  I just don't feel the need to M, and I don't want P - what I really truly want is the O - but with my wife only, when we want always when we want.  I see alot on here about testing oneself, so i can't say it is good or it is bad.  Personally, I won't do it - but it may work for you.

Hang tough my brother

STR

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #39 on: October 06, 2014, 11:50:19 AM »
Took me 27 years do dig this hole..I suppose it will take longer than 2 weeks to get out of it.

Yep. I am closing in on 600 days with no PMO, and I am still not 100% recovered. I still go through occasional flatline stages of no sexual interest, and I still experience occasional ED with my wife. While I am periodically tempted to masturbate in order to "make sure my penis still works", I have found that touching myself only sets my recovery back and reduces my ability to become aroused by my wife.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #40 on: October 06, 2014, 05:30:24 PM »
Thanks for the replies and wish I hadn't read....in some ways.

I MO'd this morning. Got aroused with brief touch of wife and then begun the hour ritual of her getting kids ready for beach.  I couldn't bear another day on the razors edge. I consciously decided to MO...focused on feeling only...honestly slipped into fantasy of wife only. I felt better all day when done.

I don't know if I messed up. I will say I could focus better today and had fun with family. Constant sex thoughts didn't torment me.  Maybe I slowed my progress, but I had an good day.

I am still over 2 weeks without porn and that's a good start for me.
« Last Edit: October 06, 2014, 05:33:03 PM by unchained »

rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #41 on: October 06, 2014, 05:32:59 PM »
Hi Unchained,

Mate, I'm a little confused this morning?

I was on here briefly yesterday and I saw you had written a post saying you had caved in, and I saw that your counter had been reset to 0. You wrote in that post words along the lines of "you weren't going to let the slip up deter you or rob you of the progress you'd made so far".

Today I see that post is gone and your counter is back at 15 days?  .....  What's going on?

A big part of this journey is about being honest with yourself. We're all essentially anonymous individuals here so there is really no need to hide from the truth. If your not able to be honest here, what do you hope to achieve from being here?

It's not about creating a journal that reads like a success story for others. It's about journaling your thoughts, struggles and successes for your own benefit, so you should never have to fear journaling your truth, or changing your truth for anyone elses benefit.

So what's really going on?     

 

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #42 on: October 06, 2014, 05:39:10 PM »
You must be confused. I am still  clean since sep 21...about 7:00 pm eastern time to be exact. I have not reset and don't  intend to.

Last week...maybe 4-5 days ago I reset my counter because I realized it was off 1 day. 1 day may not seem like a big deal but it was to me. I wanted "credit" for every day, so I reset it.

I appreciate the honesty here and would not betray that.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #43 on: October 06, 2014, 05:53:48 PM »
Hi Unchained,

Mate, I'm a little confused this morning?

I was on here briefly yesterday and I saw you had written a post saying you had caved in, and I saw that your counter had been reset to 0. You wrote in that post words along the lines of "you weren't going to let the slip up deter you or rob you of the progress you'd made so far".

Today I see that post is gone and your counter is back at 15 days?  .....  What's going on?

A big part of this journey is about being honest with yourself. We're all essentially anonymous individuals here so there is really no need to hide from the truth. If your not able to be honest here, what do you hope to achieve from being here?

It's not about creating a journal that reads like a success story for others. It's about journaling your thoughts, struggles and successes for your own benefit, so you should never have to fear journaling your truth, or changing your truth for anyone elses benefit.

So what's really going on?     

This is bothering me. You must have me confused with someone else.

rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #44 on: October 06, 2014, 06:07:07 PM »
Have pm'd you privately.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #45 on: October 06, 2014, 06:27:45 PM »
Have pm'd you privately.

And one sent back to you

rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #46 on: October 06, 2014, 06:55:01 PM »
Hi Unchained,

Mate I apologise. I was indeed mistaken.

I've just gone back over a few other threads and have realised it was someone else I follow that made that post.

Please accept my apology.

Rider 

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #47 on: October 07, 2014, 08:54:49 AM »
Glad you found the other person's post. I don't like the feeling of people thinking I am being less than honest...which is ironic because all of the dishonesty in my behavior that led me here.

I have mixed feelings about yesterday. On one hand I feel a little like a failure in that I MO'd. On the other, I feel like a ton of pressure has been relieved.  I think I put a lot of hope in being able to perform with the wife this week. I was constantly thinking of my dick, wondering if it would be ready. I was dying to touch her, but afraid I couldn't finish what I started.  I was in constant turmoil.  I was testing myself in the shower and keeping myself in a perpetual state of anxiety.

My discussion with my wife yesterday took me a while to absorb.  I told her I need to not worry about sex at all for a bit.  She was so ok about it that I had a hard time understanding.  She also said that she would prefer a lifetime without sex to a life with sex that included me constantly jerking off to images of naked women.

Anyway, as the day went on, I realized that to my wife, sex is just one part of an otherwise full and well lived life.  Her world doesn't revolve sex the way mine had.  Her happiness doesn't hinge on getting off 1, 2 or 3 times today.  Don't  get me wrong, she is a sexual person, but it doesn't define her.  Thinking about this made me recognize just how messed up my priorities have become in the course of porn addiction.

I think my body is possibly in a flatline and I am trying to force things to happen.  I now think the answer may be to just go with it and let my body tell me when it is ready.  A wife who is willing to be patient sure makes life easier.  Once again, I have been my own worst enemy.  It is my goal to relax and let the healing work instead of measuring every moment against where I think I should be.

rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #48 on: October 07, 2014, 04:51:13 PM »
I have mixed feelings about yesterday. On one hand I feel a little like a failure in that I MO'd. On the other, I feel like a ton of pressure has been relieved.  I think I put a lot of hope in being able to perform with the wife this week. I was constantly thinking of my dick, wondering if it would be ready. I was dying to touch her, but afraid I couldn't finish what I started.  I was in constant turmoil.  I was testing myself in the shower and keeping myself in a perpetual state of anxiety.


Wise words Unchained. Just relax about the whole thing and let nature take care of what nature does best. Anyone who has suffered from ED can understand the emotional effect performance anxiety has on the mind. That perpetual state or anxiety and constantly thinking about whether you dick is going to work is entirely counter productive to a positive outcome.

I think for us married men and guy's with a willing SO, masturbation has to be put into the same category as porn. It's not an option for us especailly as we are rebooting. I think any solo sexual experiences come with a degree of guilt attached to them that only makes the performance anxiety worse. I know I feel more confident that ED won't be an issue if it's been a few days since Mrs Rider and I have had sex. Conversely, before beginning my reboot, if Mrs Rider was feeling frisky at night and I'd Mo'd earlier that day, I had a lot of guilt driven anxiety because I knew the MO session earlier that day would leave me feeling less horny that evening. The thoughts alone become a self fullfilling prophecy.

I have mentioned in my own journal and on others that for me the secret to beating the anxiety was to focus on the non sexual bonding techniques and just enjoy sharing in the intimacy of our time together without any expectations of having sex. When you do that you remove the pressure to perform because there is no pressure to perform  :)

Have you ever had the experience where you go to make love and during the foreplay Mr Happy is uncooperative? Nothings happening down there. Your brain feels foggy and it feels as though the connection betweeen your brain and penis has been severed half way down your body? I used to get that feeling all the time. Then when you realise this isn't going to happen, you feel terrible. You hug your dear understanding wife apologising for your lack of performance and you call it a night. The pressures off, you both know there'll be no sex tonight. Then 20 minutes later as you cuddle you realise your still feeling horny and this time Mr Happy's feeling it too and is finally coming alive, albeit to late as your wife is now almost asleep and has no interest in starting things over again, so you lay there in bed next to your wife feeling rock hard with nowhere to go.

The non sexual bonding techniques allowed me to increase the level of intimacy in my relationship with Mrs Rider. That increased intimacy puts my mind in a place where there is no pressure and no anxiety. Once in that state nature just does what nature does best.

Also stop testing yourself in the shower too. All of that is only reinforcing a mindset that you'll only get aroused alone.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #49 on: October 07, 2014, 05:26:10 PM »
I had a great day today...best most normal feeling in as  long time. I played with kids in the waves on the beach, in the pool...read a magazine & relaxed while wife watched kids...otherwise what "normal" people experience on vacation. It felt nice.

Stayed on beach with daughter (6 years old but soon to be 7) while wife brought younger son to room.  We had a walk along the beach holding hands...perfect stuff being a dad...what it is supposed to be. I damn near cried.

Came to room and wife was in shower. Got in with her and almost immediately got 80-90% erection. I was ready to go but we had a kid in the tub outside of shower...not possible.

Anyway, I am positive at the moment, but a still semi-erect cock brings  back a tad of anxiety.

There's  hope for me yet! Thanks for your encouragement and those of you who have simply posted your your own experience in your journals. My feeling of optimism would not be possible without you. Before forums like this & ybop, I knew I had a problem but there was nowhere to turn.  It's nice to not be alone...even if your friends are anonymous.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2014, 05:57:37 PM by unchained »