Author Topic: 43 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn  (Read 66880 times)

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #75 on: October 31, 2014, 09:46:44 PM »
Thanks guys.  Your support means a lot to me.  The support of anonymous folks here may mean the most.  I know you feel what I feel.  I do my best to communicate with my wife, but she cannot understand what a struggle...and victory...some of these small accomplishments can be.  I feel like I've conquered Mt Everest at times and she looks at me like "so, you deleted some porn".  Even with all of the knowledge that is out there now from sites like ybop, I would not be where I am without this forum.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #76 on: November 01, 2014, 03:22:37 PM »
2 accomplishments today.

1. Back to two weeks of porn abstinence.

2. Had sex with wife this afternoon.  Penis stayed 80% afterward and then back up just a few minutes later watching her dress.  Asked her if maybe we could do it again tomorrow, she said maybe tonight...

I know there is a long road ahead, but I feel such relief.  No longer is my lifelong addiction a secret that torments me. She knows the truth.  Temptations are fewer and normal life seems to be taking hold.  My time in prayer has grown as has the time I read the bible.  I am not always sneaking off to use porn.  Porn thoughts and desires aren't keeping me emotionally divorced from my family.  Ahh...such a moment of peace.

Wife & I had long talk this morning...a good one.  Our 10 year anniversary is next week, and to be honest, we don't have a lot of us time.  Son is 5 and daughter turned 7 last week.  We talked about finding ways to keep us strong.  Mostly it is just making time for us...not just sex, but time with each other.  I feel if the connection stays strong, the sex will find its way.

For the 1st time in this process, maybe it is just this moment and I should appreciate it, the path seems easy.  Trust the Lord. Trust this process. Keep my back to porn. Communicate the best I can with wife. Remain active here to maintain focus.  Do all of that...and I can maintain a life free from porn, finally.

savingmysoul

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #77 on: November 03, 2014, 09:58:37 AM »
Nice job Unchained!

grats on your accomplishments - Trust the process, trust in yourself and then the rest will start to fall into line.


unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #78 on: November 03, 2014, 12:06:56 PM »
Thanks...never got my 2nd go 'round this weekend, we just stayed too busy, however, I am pleased to say that my night time wood seems to be making a comeback.  I woke up twice Sat night/Sun morning with a full erection and again this morning.  I hope that is a good sign.

Both of my slips have been from the very real chaser.  I really don't know how to feel about the chaser.  Obviously, I don't want to avoid sex in fear of it, but it does come knocking.  I've decided to try to satisfy it with the wife if possible, and if not, on my own.  I can now get an erection with touch only and will mo without porn to keep porn thoughts at bay.  I really don't understand what is bad about getting release every few days as long as I heal my brain from porn.  It would have been impossible 6 weeks ago not to fantasize about porn, but I have MO'd a few times recently just focused on feeling.  I feel calm afterward and porn enters my mind much less during the day.  Am I going wrong?

Havetodothis40

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #79 on: November 03, 2014, 07:03:01 PM »
Maybe knowing the chaser is coming will help you deflect it in the future. 


savingmysoul

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #80 on: November 04, 2014, 09:10:55 AM »
it is very important to prepare to deal with triggers, urges, chasers now - before you are faced with them.
waiting until they confront you, trying to decide what to do then can be a receipe for disaster.
I agree - you know they may present themselves. so what will you do when they do show up?
Have a plan.
Know where you will go, what you will do - what healthy behaviors and emotions will you fill that space with?
you can do this, you can beat this you have the strength.

Stay strong....

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #81 on: November 04, 2014, 05:51:19 PM »
Hi unchained. I'm a bit clueless about the chaser. Can someone enlighten me please  :-[

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #82 on: November 04, 2014, 08:29:21 PM »
Hi unchained. I'm a bit clueless about the chaser. Can someone enlighten me please  :-[

Ahhh...the chaser.

Basically, if you O whether with MO, with a lady or otherwise, you get the chaser effect.  Within a day, or two in my case, you get extremely horny again which can lead to pitfalls if you are not prepared.

For that reason, some abstain completely until they are pretty far along in their reboot.

It may sound silly. But the chaser is real.  I've reset 2x's...both after having successful sex with wife two days prior.

I had sex with wife this weekend, crazy horny monday, MO'd on my own terms Monday morning...no porn thoughts, just sensation.  Guess what, crazy horny today, but I'm ok, I knew it was coming and was focused.

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #83 on: November 05, 2014, 07:44:40 PM »
 ;) thanks unchained, not silly at all, now I'm in the picture and can put a name to my experiences too. The chaser might explain (in my case) why when I relapsed in the past, I tended to binge on PMO until I felt disgusted enough to try and unchain those shackles again. I guess the brain or body craves that dopamine rush which is not a bad thing, we just need to be in control of it, as you said
I knew it was coming and was focused.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #84 on: November 06, 2014, 08:55:29 AM »
Coming up on 3 weeks since my reset.  The 1st time I still had a lot of anxiety.  I am still a worrier and thinking of this addiction and hoping for healing is never out of my mind, but I feel much more at peace.

In some ways I feel a little blah.  Who knows, maybe I am going into the flatline...I'm not sure.  Actually, I'm not sure if I've been in one at all.  I severely limited mo, but never completely stopped either.  It's been maybe once every 5-6 days, some longer some shorter.  I've also had a few o's with the wife.  Would these keep me from entering a flatline?

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #85 on: November 06, 2014, 08:49:21 PM »
I decided today to begin to reign in my drinking.

Quitting pmo has caused me to take a closer look at my life.  When I think of who I want to be a year from now, it is not a guy who spends two hours at a time in the bathroom with a laptop looking at porn.  I also don't want to be over drinking every night.

For a while I have told myself that I would beat porn and then focus on alcohol.  I've noticed that I may be increasing the beer maybe to replace the dopamine that my brain is no longer getting from pmo.  It scares me that if I don't address the alcohol now, it may escalate to a whole new level.

It is time to quit putting off facing the problems I have created in my life by overindulgence.  I really want to be content and comfortable in my skin w/o all of this "self medication".

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #86 on: November 07, 2014, 10:52:43 AM »
Feel good today.  About 37 hours since last drink and no withdrawals yet...wish me luck

Slept good last night. Woke a few times but I feel well rested.  Oh, got morning/nighttime wood, too.

The porn has become easier to deal with lately, but I am not sure about mo.  I know people have different opinions and I'd rather not give it up for life, but am considering it now if it speeds the process.

Jaystock

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #87 on: November 07, 2014, 04:14:33 PM »
Your story sounds identical  to mine. I'm so sick of this circle I'm living in

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #88 on: November 07, 2014, 05:40:31 PM »
Your story sounds identical  to mine. I'm so sick of this circle I'm living in

Yeah...me too.  The bitch of it all is that I have a happy life outside of the addictions I have brought on myself.

I knew porn was going to be tougher than alcohol.  I've wanted rid of porn since my teens, and I turned 40 earlier this year.  I am feeling better about where I am in my porn struggle.  I know I have to remain vigilant, but my resistance is getting stronger and the cravings weaker.  I am more aware of triggers and my own thoughts, and I've got a few tools at my disposal to rid my mind of dangerous thoughts.

I feel genuinely optimistic .  Optimistic enough that I feel ready to take on drinking, too.  I don't know where the alcohol road will lead.  Unlike porn, it hasn't caused any issues other than I noticed that I am using it daily.  My wife isn't concerned about my use, but I think it is time to give it a break for a while.

Last night was the 1st time in a long time that my wife and I went to bed at the same time.  I am usually up for a while pounding beers.  It was nice to lay there and hold her while we talked, and I was sober.  I want more of that.  After 5 minutes we had a 5 year old in the bed, but we still snuggled...and that's alright with me.

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #89 on: November 07, 2014, 07:45:31 PM »
Last night was the 1st time in a long time that my wife and I went to bed at the same time.  I am usually up for a while pounding beers.  It was nice to lay there and hold her while we talked, and I was sober.  I want more of that.  After 5 minutes we had a 5 year old in the bed, but we still snuggled...and that's alright with me.
Hey Unchained
It makes a nice read. Those are the good moments of life. Precious memories with your loved ones.
I really want to be content and comfortable in my skin w/o all of this "self medication".
There are so many ways in which we 'self-medicate'. Are we not wired to always be looking for a way to feel good? I think we have to learn how to self-medicate with positive and worthwhile things.

Keep up the good work and intentions.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #90 on: November 08, 2014, 10:08:00 AM »
Made it back to three weeks...feels good.

Stayed sober last night, too. Couldn't tell you last time I didn't drink on a Friday night.  At about 2.5 days w/o a drink.

2heal

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #91 on: November 08, 2014, 01:41:56 PM »
unchained.  I think that's awesome.  You're conquering two at once and sounds like it's going well.  We're with you.


unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #92 on: November 08, 2014, 03:40:10 PM »
Thanks 2heal.

Working on both has been making today rough.  I can definitely see that I was using more alcohol as a crutch for staying away from pmo.

Physically, I feel good.  Mentally, I am alert. Emotionally, I am aware that my feelings have been selfish and am feeling negative at the moment.  I have heard my mind ask "wonder how many new models are at your favorite sites?"

Wife just went to her sisters for a bit and took the kids.  I just finished blowing leaves off the driveway and am going for a ride.  I can be trusted alone lately and don't think I would slip, but I need to change scenery and get these thoughts out of my mind.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #93 on: November 09, 2014, 02:54:25 PM »
Back to 22. Feeling more positive today.  Read a few success stories that gave me encouragement.

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #94 on: November 09, 2014, 05:04:15 PM »
 :) Glad to hear you're in a positive frame of mind. You're self aware which definitely makes you more alert and prepared.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #95 on: November 10, 2014, 11:23:38 AM »
On 23...the last time I slipped on day 26.

I know my counter shows a 30 day goal.  I am actually shooting for life, but want one of those green check marks.

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #96 on: November 10, 2014, 08:51:42 PM »
I know my counter shows a 30 day goal.  I am actually shooting for life, but want one of those green check marks.
I'm shooting for life too my friend. Keep up the good work. You can go to 30 days and beyond.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #97 on: November 11, 2014, 09:57:00 PM »
25 days when I wake up.  Going to top my previous 26 days before reset earlier in this reboot.

Successful sex with wife tonight.  Probably not much help as far as a rewire.  I understand that takes touch, love, intimacy, etc.  I asked if we could once the kids were in bed asleep.  She said "really, now? well...make it quick".  Anyway, I functioned and am much relieved.

For me, I never had a complete inability to perform.  I do think it was getting worse and probably would have become full on failure, but it usually worked.  For that reason, I am not sure what all rewiring needs to happen.  Part of me feels I need to just gain my confidence back.  Rewire to thinking my dick works.  Fear of failure has caused me to avoid sex unless I was extremely horny instead of making a move on many occasions.

That and obviously abstinence from porn so that my brain doesn't require an endless supply of hotties to get me aroused.

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #98 on: November 12, 2014, 09:06:38 PM »
Hey buddy, I'm glad to hear about the successful quicky with the wife.  8) About the confidence thing... I feel positive that your whole reboot process will be instrumental in gradually increasing your confidence. The fact that you can speak to your wife openly should also take away some performance anxiety.
...I am not sure what all rewiring needs to happen.  Part of me feels I need to just gain my confidence back...  Fear of failure has caused me to avoid sex unless I was extremely horny instead of making a move on many occasions.
You're a brave man, no need to fear failure, just give it a go.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #99 on: November 13, 2014, 11:45:05 AM »
Back to 26 days.  Tomorrow will be 27 which is a personal best for me since I went through boot camp when I was 19.

Had a crazy dream last night. In my dream I decided it was ok to mo to magazines since it wasn't internet.  And in my dream world, it all made perfect sense. I vividly remember pictorials from the 80 ' s & 90 ' s in my dream.  I was tickled pink in my dream because I had access to "non damaging porn". I woke up glad that I hadn't really done the things I dreamed of, but was a little discouraged that my mind would come up with such a scheme...even in a dream.

It was a reminder that I must be ever vigilant.