Author Topic: 43 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn  (Read 66866 times)

rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #50 on: October 07, 2014, 06:24:21 PM »
Awesome news. Glad your enjoying your family time.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #51 on: October 10, 2014, 09:28:36 AM »
Like others have said, staying away from porn isn't as difficult as it was in the beginning.  It has actually gotten rather easy.  I am not fighting with temptation because I do not accept the possibility that I will seek it out.

However, it is tough for me at times to keep images out of my brain.  I think that is going to take a long time.

If you have read my journal from the start, you'll  know that PMO was my morning ritual. I'd hide out in the bathroom for a long time, edging, feeding my addiction & finally O before getting ready for work. I immediately replaced that with posting here & reading success stories & journals.  Now I've read them all & only read the updates.

The other day my wife said "don't forget when you are on your forum all the time to find a bible verse or two to read". So, the other morning I installed 3 apps on my phone, a daily devotional, a daily scripture & a daily bible verses app.  They are now all part of what is taking the place of what was PMO time, along with coming here, too.

Others have said it time and again, we have to fill the time we used for destructive behaviors with time used for things that improve our lives.  It was harder for me to see that a few weeks ago.  I was too deep in my thoughts of struggle.  I see now that it is true and feel that a focus on my spiritual health is a much better way to begin each day.

On a side note...I just recalled an interview given by a guy I grew up with who went on to be a pro football player. He was/is a great guy. In college he was one to be in the weight room every day, giving it his all even in the off-season.  Anyway, he was asked about it in an interview and said "character is defined by what you do when no one is looking".  If that's the case, and I don't doubt it, then my character has been sorely lacking for the last 27 years, or so.

savingmysoul

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #52 on: October 10, 2014, 09:48:39 AM »
Great Post!

It is true that that images and flashes diminish over time.  I am finding I can go a few days and not have any of that to deal with.  You have a great morning routine that has filled you with healthy habits. 

I also agree with you on the character bit - it is about moving away from a self-centered drive to more of a purposeful drive. 

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #53 on: October 11, 2014, 10:57:15 AM »
Any guys out there further along than I have an opinion regarding when to have sex? Tomorrow is 3 weeks since my last PMO. At the end of week 1 the wife gave me a hj that ended quickly. Since the I have MO'd twice...both times I tried to focus on real sex with wife, but some fantasy crept in as well.

We have been on vacation all week. While one would assume that makes for lots of opportunity for sex, our two children are young and there really hasn't been any alone time for us to relax together.  I probably could ask and she'd say something like "ok, but make it quick, the kids need....".  I don't want to try like that.  I feel the need to relax, kiss and work up to it, not just hurry it along.

anyway, part of me feels I am ready, but I am nervous. Last night we were watching a DVD in bed with the kids. I reached out and rubbed my wife's stomach, not anything sexual as the kids were with us, but I got an immediate erection just from touching her. I hope that is a good sign.

rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #54 on: October 12, 2014, 09:57:33 PM »
Unchained,

Have sex anytime it feels right. With the kids around its harder, but just wait till their asleep and go with the flow. Don't be nervous about it though. Just be in the moment and enjoy the intimacy.

Good luck!  ;)

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #55 on: October 14, 2014, 09:17:13 AM »
22 behind me...working on 23

I think my best streak was probably 56 +/- days when I just turned 19.  I remember that because it was boot camp.  After that, probably my honeymoon, which would have been 11 days.

Right now I still get a bit frustrated sometimes...feel I could use a little more emotional support from the wife.  At the same time, I am trying not to be too needy.  I know she has a lot of responsibilities and doesn't need to hear my agonizing constantly, so I shut it off and it makes me feel distant.  I also am well aware that my emotional state is more than likely caused more by withdrawal than anything between us, so I am keeping faith. This, too, shall pass.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #56 on: October 15, 2014, 04:06:00 PM »
Some days are tougher than others.  I was born a natural worrier, I suppose.  At times it has been beneficial, but this is not one of those times.  In my professional life, I am a problem solver. Worry (or thinking of all that can go wrong) helps me see and fix problems before they arise.  Until any issue, small or large, is resolved it gets my full attention until it is fixed...it has to be that way because I own my own business.  That and it's just the way I am wired.

Now...translate that to beating this addiction and ed and I feel I am going insane at times. I know neither will be cured in a day, but it never leaves my conscious...never.  In my heart, I know I am doing well.  Since starting this journal, i have not sought out porn...not even once.  It has found me in the form of junk emails and i have prevailed.  I have the knowledge, desire, support, will power and strength to trample and crush porn addiction (I HATE loosing at anything).  But the anxiety is getting to me.

At this moment, I am in my office bathroom (just like home...only place I can find peace) and I feel like laying on the floor and crying.  Someone tell me this is some type of brain change from lack of dopamine.

I will not give in and I will not loose, but I am ready to start feeling better.

Sorry if this post comes across as whining, but I see this journal for the benefits it holds in my future, as well as now.  Maybe future reflection on how porn has damaged me now will keep me on the straight and narrow.

icanbeatthis

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #57 on: October 15, 2014, 07:35:03 PM »
Hi mate. Sorry i haven't been here for a while.  School holidays were here and kds around all day so no real chance to get online that much. Glad to see you are still here and going well. I had day 90 on the 14th and believe that if I can do this, you can. I just don't have porn as an option. I find coming here is almost a habit. I am a shift worker and as such have times when I am home alone. That used to bewhen I sat in front of the laptop searching for the elusive pic or video that unconsciously would make my life complete. ?...what a joke.  What was i thinking.  I now realize that I needed to fill the space left by porn with something else that wasn't killing my marriage.  I was at the stage where I dreaded having sex with wife with my fear of ED. Performance anxiety i used to joke about with the wife, but it was real. I now have no issues. I get as hard as a rock. I still have times where I can wander in my thoughts and recall some porn I remember but have no issues with that at the moment, I don't think that matters.  Fill the space.  Be strong my friend.

rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #58 on: October 15, 2014, 10:48:41 PM »
Some days are tougher than others.  I was born a natural worrier, I suppose.  At times it has been beneficial, but this is not one of those times.  In my professional life, I am a problem solver. Worry (or thinking of all that can go wrong) helps me see and fix problems before they arise.  Until any issue, small or large, is resolved it gets my full attention until it is fixed...it has to be that way because I own my own business.  That and it's just the way I am wired.

Now...translate that to beating this addiction and ed and I feel I am going insane at times. I know neither will be cured in a day, but it never leaves my conscious...never.  In my heart, I know I am doing well.  Since starting this journal, i have not sought out porn...not even once.  It has found me in the form of junk emails and i have prevailed.  I have the knowledge, desire, support, will power and strength to trample and crush porn addiction (I HATE loosing at anything).  But the anxiety is getting to me.

At this moment, I am in my office bathroom (just like home...only place I can find peace) and I feel like laying on the floor and crying.  Someone tell me this is some type of brain change from lack of dopamine.

I will not give in and I will not loose, but I am ready to start feeling better.

Sorry if this post comes across as whining, but I see this journal for the benefits it holds in my future, as well as now.  Maybe future reflection on how porn has damaged me now will keep me on the straight and narrow.

Hang in there, your doing great. We're all different in the way our reboots affect us emotionally, and I guess we'll all have different mental battles to fight as well. Only advice I can offer is remain focused on the goal, and when you feel your under pressure picture yourself 12 months down the track being porn free and having a great relationship with your wife.

Some days will be harder than others and we can only walk this journey one step at a time.   

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #59 on: October 16, 2014, 09:38:16 AM »
Thanks for the responses.  The support from this forum is one reason I have been successful in this reboot.

I am in a MUCH better frame of mind today.  I had sex with the wife and, holy cow, do I feel better.  I know it wasn't my best performance, but I really needed that initial success.

I got an erection thinking of wife as I pulled into my driveway.  I hugged her hello and she noticed and jokingly asked if I was looking at porn on my ride home.  She was helping daughter with homework and we were getting ready to go eat out, but my erection stayed, so I said we need to go do it right now.  She said ok.  It was fast but I functioned properly.  I feel ready to begin to attempt a regular sex life again.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #60 on: October 21, 2014, 04:31:15 PM »
I caved in this weekend.

I was discouraged and didn't want to think about this forum. Even though anonymous, I felt ashamed to come here and 'fess up.

Anyway. I am now trying not to keep kicking myself. I acknowledge it is important to not accept caving in as it can lead to more resets, but at the same time I did go 26 days.  That is a new record for me. I wish I didn't slip, but am trying to focus on what worked and why I eventually gave in.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2014, 08:55:44 AM by unchained »

rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #61 on: October 21, 2014, 06:18:36 PM »
Hang in there Unchained. I know exactly how you feel  ;)

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #62 on: October 21, 2014, 10:17:55 PM »
Hey guys...this has bugged me for a while...my name is not unchained

The whole time I was military, even my close friends called  me by my last name...always seemed impersonal.

My name is Adam

I am 40, have 2 kids, I love my wife, and I am fighting....hard...to break free from the grips of porn.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #63 on: October 22, 2014, 08:58:15 PM »
Feeling ok right now.  Would say I feel strong, but I've felt strong before and failed.

I confessed to wife today.  I hated to disappoint her, but felt honesty must be at core of our relationship.  It sucks...wish I didn't fail...wish this was all behind me, but I am doing better than any time I can remember.

Today I am clean.  Started meditation today to better train my brain how to be directed where I want it to go.  Still working hard to be a better man.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #64 on: October 23, 2014, 12:34:48 PM »
In a pretty good frame of mind today.  It is truly a beautiful day outside.

Sometimes I wonder where my brain is in terms of healing.  I know counting days is pointless.  After 26 days i had a reset...will the next two weeks be as hard as they were last time?  I almost dont feel any different other than a couple of days kicking myself.  Sometimes I feel I am over thinking this process...Constant consciousness of my thoughts, feelings, physical differences.  It can be exhausting.

On a positive note, I feel the time I have spent attempting to learn meditation may pay off.  I do feel very relaxed and calm for at least a couple of hours afterward.  I woke early today, too early to get out of bed and lay there quite anxious. I used the technique to focus on my breathing and was able to relax.  I felt that in a way, I was deflecting negative thoughts instead of wrestling with them.  That makes for a much better state of mind for me.

Lastly, I am trying to change the way in which I pray.  Constant begging for help keeps me in a mindset that I am fighting a more powerful foe. While I do still ask for strength, I try to quickly move on to thankfulness for all of my many blessings.  Focusing on the good makes me feel good.  Thinking of what I have also makes me joyful to fight to keep it.

rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #65 on: October 23, 2014, 07:58:30 PM »
Hi Adam,

It seems we're both having better days today and that's something to be thankful for in itself  :)

That was a great last post you wrote. I particularly liked the last paragraph. Asking for strength rather than begging for help seems the way to go, and puts the responsibility squarely in your own control.

Keep up the great work  ;)

 

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #66 on: October 24, 2014, 11:20:59 AM »
Feeling the most 'at peace' today than I felt in longer than I can remember.  A couple of things have happened that have led me to a better understanding of myself, both before this reboot and where I am now.

Came home last night. Wife in kitchen starting supper & I needed to hurry outside to do some yard work before it got dark. Anyway, I playfully squeezed her bootie before going outside and immediately got an erection.

One, I was thrilled it happened so fast & because it was just from a simple touch.  I told the wife, but there was no way either one of us could do anything sexual at the moment.  This is where I realized my attitude has begun to change.  I was happy.  You see, before, if I ever got sexually charged I expected my needs to be addressed right then.  Now, obviously my wife has not dropped everything every time I was horny, so in the past, I would get resentful and let that become my excuse to PMO...either right then or stay up late or whenever.  Last night, I was happy and accepted the reality of the situation.

I though about the situation & how I got to the point that I demanded immediate satisfaction.  It became apparent that my view of sex has been completely one sided...all about me.  It was me & the girl(s) in the magazine, on the computer, in my mind.  If I was horny I grabbed the magazine or turned on the computer.  They were there to service me...in my time...on my terms.  They were not active participants.  They were just being used for my pleasure.

Over time, my need to immediately satisfy any urge consumed my thought process.  It caused  much anxiety over the years.  This reboot has begun to break that down somewhat.  I actually got an erection, did nothing about it, was able to concentrate the rest of the night, slept well and didn't die.

so this morning, wife drops off daughter at school, come home and like usual, gets back in bed for a little bit.  I was getting ready for work and our young son had gotten into bed with wife and they were watching cartoons.  After getting dressed, I laid down next to wife for a 2 minute snuggle. I rubbed her back and wham, hard again.  Obviously, nothing was going to happen in that situation...and once again, I was ok with it.

This brings me to my other success...in 12 hours I got 2 really good erections from simply touching the skin of my wife.  She was fully clothed in both cases and I had no visual stimulation.  I feel that this is how it is supposed to be.

rider654321

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #67 on: October 26, 2014, 12:37:26 AM »
I'm glad your finding success and enjoying it. Keep up the good work.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #68 on: October 30, 2014, 02:27:22 PM »
Haven't posted in my journal for a few days.  Been doing pretty good.  I realize that healing my brain is going to take longer than I hoped, but am beginning to accept that.

I downloaded and read the e-books "Your brain on porn", "Ten keys to breaking porn addiction" and "The porn circuit."  All were very good reads for us addicts.  I plan to read them all again.

As I begin to reflect on my personality, I see that I have some OCD tendencies.  I think that played a huge role in my addiction.  I amassed a huge collection of porn and built a part of my life around cataloging and organizing it. Always in search of the perfect photo or movie clip.  All the while, what I saved no longer interested me, I spent untold hours in search of more.  I was just hitting that dopemine button over and over and over.

Even as a teenager, I would spend tons of time cataloging my magazine collections...keeping lists of names, poses, types of dress, level of explecitness, whatever from each pictorial so that I could easily find whatever I may be in the mood for.  The thing is, even then I was always searching for more porn and still looked at all I had each session.  That was the addiction part.  The endless organizing and cataloging was my OCD involved in my addiction.  I feel OCD to an addiction is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Recognizing is the first step to healing.  Sometimes I feel consumed by this addiction. I trust in the process and have faith.  I have begun to feel real results, but wish I could give my mind a break.  Quitting porn is my brains new focus and it won't let up.  Always at the forefront, always mindful of how I feel, always telling me what not to think about...even when I am not thinking about it...ugh

Oh...one other thing.  I would normally tell anyone thinking about quitting to do it today...the sooner the better.  But if you have a beach vacation planned within the 1st week or two, I'd put it off.  That was a porn addicts worst nightmare.

I wish everyone well.

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #69 on: October 30, 2014, 06:06:24 PM »
I amassed a huge collection of porn and built a part of my life around cataloging and organizing it. Always in search of the perfect photo or movie clip.  All the while, what I saved no longer interested me, I spent untold hours in search of more.  I was just hitting that dopemine button over and over and over.

Hi Unchained
I can so identify with what you wrote. I didn't get into so much detail trying to organize everything, but the stuff that I did save was never enough. Would also spend hours looking for that new picture or video. And then I'd reach a stage where I got so disgusted with myself that I'd try to quit and get rid of everything only to have the vicious circle started all over again. 

We can do this. IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #70 on: October 30, 2014, 09:03:09 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement.

I had another bit of success this evening.  I found a portable hard drive in my desk at my office.  I knew there was porn on it, but good stuff (clean stuff like family pics) stored on it as well.  I plugged it in and found my organized (as always) collection of pics & vids.  I tried to delete the porn folders in totality, but it would always give me an error...so I had to venture into each folder.  Of course I saw thumbnails...my brain lit up like a fire engine spotlight...I could feel it.  It was like an electric shock.  My brain begged for me to open the pics.  I was like a boxer taking hard hits, but I stayed on my feet.  I was able to delete everything in bits...and it wasn't 2 or 3 times, but dozens.  I spent at least 15 minutes deleting everything in batches.  Of course, after opening  each folder, I would change the settings to "list" and away from "thumbnail" view, so I wasn't sitting there tempting myself.  If you have read my previous posts, you'll understand that there were many folders and they all were set to open to thumbnail views.

Anyway, I got them all deleted.  Some were my very favorites and it was hard not to look.  I recognized the file & folder names, but I did it.  Also, I was alone and in my office.  My brain was screaming "no one will know".

Today I prevailed.  I'll say it again, today I prevailed.

I had to come here and post.  I am excited and told the wife. She seemed more bothered that I would have had that at my work and didn't appreciate my victory.  I understand that she doesn't understand the thinking of an addict.  I hoarded porn like an alcoholic stashes vodka.

it was tough.  When done deleting, I locked up our building and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and my face was completely flushed.  My skin on my face felt tight and hot.  Whatever the reaction to seeing/resisting the porn, it had a visible and felt effect on me.

I feel good.  I wish I didn't have to go through that.  I wish there was no porn, or at least no worries of me seeing it.  I stood strong, but the "go ahead and do it" voices were strong, too. In the end, I go back to the thinking of a dazed boxer who won the fight...yeah I won the fight, but I feel a little beat up and see that I still have vulnerabilities.

2heal

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #71 on: October 30, 2014, 09:41:42 PM »
Hi, unchained.  I just spent the evening reading through your journal.  I just want to say, I'm pulling for you and wish you success.  It looks like you're on your way.  We're all in this together.  Keep up the fight.


unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #72 on: October 30, 2014, 09:54:29 PM »
Hi, unchained.  I just spent the evening reading through your journal.  I just want to say, I'm pulling for you and wish you success.  It looks like you're on your way.  We're all in this together.  Keep up the fight.

Thanks...know my journal is a long read...I am long winded.

I appreciate your support.

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #73 on: October 30, 2014, 10:05:57 PM »
I'll admit I was on the edge of my seat reading the story of your adventure in deleting those images tonight.

I can relate to the intense feelings that even tiny thumbnails can produce, and the difficulty of dealing with the experience. I had a similar challenge once when I was trying to clean up the mess left by a forum member who was posting disguised links to porn in one of these forums. Your analogy of a boxer taking hits is an apt one: afterwards, I felt dazed and off-balance for quite a while.

I appreciate the challenge that you faced and I feel inspired by the courage you demonstrated in doing what needed to be done without giving in to temptation. So, thank you for that, and stay strong!
« Last Edit: October 30, 2014, 10:07:41 PM by CrazyGopher »

horpio

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #74 on: October 31, 2014, 06:55:09 PM »
Way to go, good job unchained. You were the champion in the ring.