Author Topic: 43 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn  (Read 66939 times)

RG

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #200 on: June 05, 2015, 08:38:29 AM »
Unchained,
I also have struggled being nice or not being a Jerk. The scary part for me is I didn’t even know I was being that way. As I have gone down the trail of recovery several times this same issue has surfaced. I think that perhaps because we haven’t allowed ourselves to really “feel” for so long it shocks us when we start to realize what is really going on around us that we have been blind to. The realization is a part of recovery and learning to deal with other people without using PMO is part of the process. You are making progress!

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #201 on: June 05, 2015, 04:29:51 PM »
I've been doing pretty good during this reboot avoiding potential triggers.  I don't watch much tv, I don't surf the internet out of boredom...heck I don't even listen to he radio b/c most songs seem to be about sex.  Ever since I had a close call a couple of weeks ago, I quit checking legitimate news sites during the day.

...and then today I was looking for podcasts or a possible audiobook at iTunes to download about either pornography addiction or addiction in general.  I already have some podcasts & all of Gary Wilson's radio shows on both my phone & ipod so I can listen to them while I drive.  Anyway, I'm looking for pornography addiction related material in the audiobooks section and tons and tons of stuff came up about porn, but it was all porn material.  The simple names of the books made my heart race, my stomach dropped like I was on a roller coaster and my mouth actually watered.    There were no pornographic images, just names of stories.  I could feel my brain get a tremendous instant buzz.  I could actually hear ringing in my ears for a moment as I looked at the titles.  There was a book, maybe two, regarding addiction but I knew I had to get the hell out of there.

I don't feel like I will slip...I'm not overly worried about that.  However, it did plant a small seed to make me want to seek more but my higher thought processes are stronger.  The worst part is that I have felt anxiety most of the day since that exposure.  There is something in the back of my mind that was asleep...and is now awake.  I'm not having any conscious thoughts or mental images of porn, I'm not even having to chase any away...it's not like that.  I feel like there is an intruder just outside my door.  He's not made himself known or actually threatened me openly in any way YET, but he's out there...just outside the door, waiting.  I can sense him, see the shadow cast by his feet at the base of the door.  I feel he's waiting...just waiting.  It has me a bit uneasy.

Chile

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #202 on: June 05, 2015, 05:33:12 PM »
You're doing great Unchained. Avoiding as much stimulation as possible, while learning as much as you can, gives your brain a great head-start. There will be times when it's in your face no matter what you do. Keep walking the walk.

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #203 on: June 07, 2015, 06:50:17 AM »
Today is halfway to 90.  I'm thinking I need to consider an attempt of 90 days no MO as well.

Gracie

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #204 on: June 07, 2015, 06:58:08 AM »
Try the book "Love You Hate the Porn" by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer.   It talks about men's reasons for looking and the effects on the wife.  BUT it also gives solutions and hope in understanding one another.  There is also a blog by the same title.  It has tabs across the top that are awesomely helpful and then it has an archive of his blogs.  This book literally let me know I should stay and let him know he could do it.  (My husband)

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #205 on: June 08, 2015, 12:33:46 PM »
Thanks for the info Gracie.  I visited the site and will order the book.

I've decided it is time for me to be a little more proactive in my addiction recovery.  At first, it was all about trying to get a few days of sobriety, then a week and then more weeks, etc.  With the constant agony of the anxiety from withdrawals behind me it is time to lay the groundwork for a lifetime of sobriety.

It is painful to admit and saddens me, but I realize now that it won't be as simple as going 60, 90, 120, 150 days or a year and then declaring myself cured.  It seems that abstaining from an addiction alone is just part of the puzzle.

I feel positive at the moment and have been working my own little plan based off of recovery strategies that I found on a myriad of sites.  I love the cold showers and would recommend them to anyone trying to heal.  They definitely improve mood, alertness & energy levels and all of these things can help decrease triggers and help you deal with triggers that arise.  I have also started running again and have started doing push-ups and pull-ups as well.  I try to stay occupied and read more.

In reading and listening to audio about addiction recovery I've come to learn that avoiding and focusing on triggers is not the answer.  Basically, when I am bored, sad, angry my brain cries out for relief.  The brain sees all of these things as a threat to survival.  It wants to feel good, so it tries it's best to get ME to feed it what it wants to feel good.  For us porn addicts, porn is the A #1 way to make that happen.  I've spent so much time self-medicating with porn that my brain doesn't understand that it's ok to feel bored or sad.  I have to learn to stand back, recognize what emotions are causing my brain to cry out and find an alternative method to improve the situation.  It's not about fighting the urge or resisting...it's about redirecting thoughts to other thoughts or behaviors that improve the situation.  I no longer have to fight porn, in fact fighting it makes it stronger.  At the end of the day, my brain needs to understand that sometimes it's ok to be sad or lonely or stressed or tired.  I do not have to medicate my brain to make those emotions disappear, I need to see them for what they are.  If it is something I can improve, then great, if not then maybe I'll just have to deal with the sadness or whatever it is for a while.  Cranking up my dopamine artificially for hours on end to feel better is not the answer.

If you get a chance, check out the link to InnerGold's short 5 part porn addiction series below:

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/video-series-porn-and-brain

The videos are short and very informative.

I don't see that anyone here has used their method (or at least didn't turn up anything in a search), but there seems to be several at yourbrainrebalanced that used InnerGold.  Like I said before, it is time for me to get proactive.  I want a better life and am seriously considering using the online course that they offer.  If anyone here either has any direct experience or knows anyone who has tried it, please let me know.

I also like that it involves the spouse and has materials specifically for their understanding of the addiction process.  I try to tell my wife what I am going through, but I am in no way a professional counsellor and I don't have an education in brain processes (though I'm learning rapidly).

Chile

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #206 on: June 08, 2015, 01:27:27 PM »
Nice post Unchained. I am going to watch the videos from the link. I like how you are being proactive and settling in for a deeper reboot. I have suspected that a healthy reboot takes years to complete, but the first 90-150 days without porn are extremely important in settling our brains. It is no small accomplishment, yet the reboot will continue for any guy who successfully leaves porn behind.

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #207 on: June 08, 2015, 03:11:27 PM »
Hey Chile,
I suppose I'm beginning to realize that there are two processes going on at the same time.  It seems like the sexual dysfunctions related to porn addiction heal relatively quickly for most.  While most of us wish it was even faster, a few weeks to a few months to fix ED is actually pretty fast when you consider the long term abuse most of us have put our brains through.  I think of this part as the reboot.  Then there's the process of the actual addiction within the brain.  The ability to get hard, while nice, is not an indication that the struggle to work through the addiction is over...in fact it may just be beginning.  I feel that is why so many of us have some success, even long success and then fall back in.  We are healed in a sexual sense but have still not addressed the addictive cycle itself.  It is like we have managed to white-knuckle it long enough to make our penises work, get exited and fall back into the trap.

I don't suppose everyone here is a full blown addict, but I can say that I have tried multiple times myself to stay quit and can't seem to manage to make it last.  I feel it is time for me to work a system, the same way someone quitting cocaine, heroin or meth would.

Some folks think this is only about high-speed porn.  For me it is any porn, pure and simple.  The high-speed may have been the cause of PIED because it changed my approach and the vast amount of porn that was accessible and the sheer speed at which I could access it.  I eventually had PIED because my wife couldn't compare to 500 different women in a short stretch...but I was just as addicted when it was slow speed and even magazines.  I couldn't quit then either.

The addiction it too big and too entrenched in my brain to starve it out like I did in quitting nicotine.  I've been doing porn nonstop since the mid-80's.  I need a structured, thought out plan to work towards a lifetime of sobriety.  It is not enough for me to string together a bunch of long streaks and failures.

I did go ahead and download the InnerGold system and plan on starting it tonight.  I will give it everything I have and will report to you guys here how I feel it is working for me.  It is relative inexpensive...costed less than two monthly subscriptions to my favorite porn site.  The price is worth the gamble to get me to the me I want to be.

Chile

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #208 on: June 08, 2015, 04:21:22 PM »
I'm curious about what the InnerGold system is and how it works. Long winning streaks are awesome, especially in the beginning, but like you said it's not enough to quit porn. I'm aiming for 90-150 days right now and it's a big deal when someone gets there, even if it's not a magic bullet. I've been there before and came back to porn. I've heard about guys who are 3-5 years into no PMO. They have come to terms with themselves and what causes the problems, yet they don't seem to lose their caution.

CrazyGopher

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #209 on: June 09, 2015, 03:34:25 AM »
I suppose I'm beginning to realize that there are two processes going on at the same time.  It seems like the sexual dysfunctions related to porn addiction heal relatively quickly for most.  While most of us wish it was even faster, a few weeks to a few months to fix ED is actually pretty fast when you consider the long term abuse most of us have put our brains through.  I think of this part as the reboot.  Then there's the process of the actual addiction within the brain.  The ability to get hard, while nice, is not an indication that the struggle to work through the addiction is over...in fact it may just be beginning.

This is really insightful stuff, unchained, and it deserves greater attention in the community. So many guys ask questions like "Am I healed?" or "When will I be healed?" and too often the answers they receive confuse these issues or don't address them as separate processes.

Anyway, just wanted to stop in to thank you for sharing this valuable insight. I hope the new system you are trying works well for you!

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #210 on: June 12, 2015, 09:14:43 AM »
I found the following poster at Wendy Maltz's website.  If you don't know about her, she's a sex therapist & author who has been interviewed a couple of times on Gary Wilson's radio show.  I checked out her website and thought you guys may get something out of this:


notgivinup

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #211 on: June 12, 2015, 11:29:58 AM »
Hey unchained....just started making my way through your journal today.
Congratulations on 50 days. Way to go.

I saw a list of helpful stuff you posted on another journal...and all great stuff....and it caused me to take a look at your journal.

I'm glad you're here. thanks for all you have written...and thank you for making the choice to leave pmo.

very encouraging read today.

Thanks.
NGU

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #212 on: June 12, 2015, 02:28:00 PM »
Thanks gopher & ngu.

I just found a pic I liked to use as an avatar yesterday.  When I went into my profile to add the avatar, I noticed that a week from tomorrow will be one year from when I first signed up for an account here.  I have two emotions regarding the passing of a full year.  In someways I am disappointed because I would have thought that after a year that I'd be a little further down the path to healing.  I kind of felt sad when I saw the date and reflected on my mistakes over the last 12 months.  But then again, I remember the way I felt when I actually signed up for an account...I was almost hopeless.  I was discouraged, beat down and depressed.  I remember being tearful as I signed up.  Today I am none of those things.  I am hopeful...I am encouraged...I am standing tall and I feel good about where I am headed.

I mentioned a few posts back that I see this affliction as two separate conditions.  One is the changes that occur to the brain as it relates to sexuality...whether our tastes change, how much stimulation it requires to get an erection (or even if erections are possible), the DE for some and PE for others.  It is my personal opinion that these things simply heal themselves in time.  For those things to be fixed, time and distance from porn will heal the wounds.  I feel that many of us manage to stay clean for long enough for these wounds to begin to heal and then fall back.  Reset after reset.  It is an ongoing cycle that is frustrating, maddening, crushing.  This is exactly what happened to me in late December this past year.  I eventually gave up and didn't refocus my efforts until April.

The bigger picture for long term healing comes with the realization that we (or at least many of us) are dealing with a real-deal, full-blown, long term addiction.  Through my own inability to beat porn, to kick its ass, to rip it from my brain...out of sheer frustration I began to read more about how to approach addiction recovery.  If you read back a page or two I analogized what I felt as myself in a boxing ring with porn.  He's the heavyweight champ and I'm the skinny chump.  That is how I felt.  I was exhausted and eventually said f'it.  I don't want to fight any more.  I'm out of here.  Last night I was amazed to read in the InnerGold recovery manual that exact same analogy that I found in my own process.  The slight difference is that I imagined myself completely ignoring the taunts of the boxer as I walked away.  In truth, it is easier to acknowledge the shouts...they will always be there, they will never completely stop.  The answer is to hear them, acknowledge that they exist and focus attention elsewhere.  If you try to stamp the thoughts out, he'll just yell louder and the next thing you know you are back in the ring fighting.  We all talk about wanting the triggers to stop and I'd bet they will lessen as time passes and distance in put between ourselves and porn...but they will never go away, at least not as long as we still have a human brain.  That is just how it works.  The limbic system isn't bad b/c it wants us to use porn.  It is simply making a suggestion to do a thing that it thinks will make us feel better, however, we know that we feel worse in the end and that there are consequences to pay.  For that reason, I hear its request, thank it for its concern and then move on to some other thought or action.  Sometimes I can even feel the thought stay in my mind for a long period of time...it's just hanging out there trying to get me to pay closer attention but I just focus around it.

Have any of you ever driven a car with messed up windshield wipers or simply driven in the rain with them off for fun?  It's really not that hard to drive in the rain with no wipers unless it is a complete downpour.  You just have to focus your eyes beyond the droplets on the windshield instead of focusing ON them.  They are still there...you know they are there...but you are focused on the road ahead.  That is similar with how I feel about my thought process.  I'd like for something to wipe away my thoughts...to get rid of them...to make them stop from appearing in the first place...but that isn't going to happen.  I just have to focus around them.  Sometimes it may just be a drop or two and sometimes it is quite difficult, but the higher thinking part of my brain gets to make the decision of whether I am going to focus on the potentially dangerous droplets or if I keep my focus on safely traveling forward.

Chile

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #213 on: June 12, 2015, 07:21:15 PM »
Congratulations on 50 days Unchained, especially in coming back after those four months when you had lost hope. You help everyone here with your research and ability to communicate it clearly. You benefit this forum tangibly every time you post. Peace!

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #214 on: June 15, 2015, 12:42:07 PM »
Congratulations on 50 days Unchained, especially in coming back after those four months when you had lost hope. You help everyone here with your research and ability to communicate it clearly. You benefit this forum tangibly every time you post. Peace!

Thanks Chile.  I know my posts are probably some of the longest winded stream-of-conscious type rambles on this forum.

There is a lot of stuff that goes through my mind every day as I deal with this process.  Couple that with all of the information on brain related changes caused by porn as well as addiction in general and it really helps to try to assemble my thoughts and experiences and put them on paper so to speak.  As I read and learn from other journals I also reread much of my own as well.  I measure where I was and how I felt with where I am and how I feel.  The continuous consideration of my own progress, thoughts and emotions is helping me tweak my approach as I move forward.  The mindset that this is an ongoing dynamic endeavor is actually making parts of the experience pleasurable.  Don't get me wrong, I would rather have not experienced the sporadic PIED which led to anxiety and times when I would avoid sex all together.  I would rather have not had the guilt or shame that I felt when I confessed to my wife.  I would rather have not had to experience the pains of withdrawals.  I would rather not have to deal with all of these porn thoughts that appear and attempt to drag me back into the addictive cycle.  I'm sure there are tons more negative consequences that I would have also rather avoided.  The positive part that I am referring to is how I feel now in my proactive approach to healing.  I see the time spent educating myself and learning about myself as an investment in the future me.  In that respect, the effort gives positive feelings about the process.  It feels good in the same way it feels good to do a grueling workout...it's tough but there is a sense of satisfaction in the knowledge of self improvement and in having faith that the pain will bring about positive change.  I truly have that faith...without any doubt.

Some of the tools that I've used to help deal with porn have made me happier and better focused in other areas of my life.  Specifically the meditation, cold showers & exercise are all things I hope to maintain in the rest of my future life, both because of how they make me feel, but I also think they will help to keep me on the path.  It's funny how using a tool to help with addiction can also be employed in other aspects of ones life.  For example, I feel the ability to maintain focus as learned through meditation will vastly improve my prayer time.  In the past, my mind would easily take-off and run in various directions when I tried to pray for an extended period of time.  It would always frustrate me.  I am definitely an amateur as it comes to meditation, but I can already feel the power of being able to redirect my thoughts to maintain focus.  If that ability leads me to a better prayer life, which in turn helps me to better hear what God is telling me, then that my friends is a good thing.  It is that type of change that this process is bringing out in me...and for that I am grateful to be heading down the path that I am on.

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #215 on: June 19, 2015, 12:03:50 PM »
Had a rough few days at work this week...very stressful.

Each of the last three mornings this week I have gotten out of bed and had texts from various employees explaining why they were either going to be in late or not at all.  Each situation required that I hurry in to work sooner to work than normal.

Because of this, I have not been able to enjoy my morning meditation since Tuesday.  It is amazing what a difference 10-15 minutes of meditation can make.  With meditation I am more capable of monitoring & directing my thoughts better all throughout the day.  The time that I spent first thing in the morning improving my thinking has been replaced with thoughts of anger, frustration and to some degree stress due to the anticipation of stress.

I am grateful for the accountability software that I installed on my computer & phone.  I feel that I probably would have slipped yesterday evening without it.  I wasn't horny.  I was anxious and sitting at my desk staring at the keyboard in my office just wanting to see some porn to escape from the stress.  There are no blockers installed, just the knowledge that my wife will see the report.  Thankfully, that knowledge was enough to stop me for long enough to talk myself back down off the ledge.

Chile

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #216 on: June 19, 2015, 01:26:31 PM »
I think that's a really good tool to have Unchained, referring to the software that reports your internet activity to your wife. I am thinking of adding the same thing. You took the right step to interrupt the porn process and it paid dividends. Great job.

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #217 on: June 19, 2015, 09:34:51 PM »
I think that's a really good tool to have Unchained, referring to the software that reports your internet activity to your wife. I am thinking of adding the same thing. You took the right step to interrupt the porn process and it paid dividends. Great job.

Thanks Chile.  I'm glad the weekend is here.

Regarding the software, I feel accountability may be more helpful than blocking in the end. A simple blocker is telling your lymbic brain "no".  Accountability tells your prefrontal cortex "think about it".  When we use our rational mind to think through the consequences and tell our lymbic brain "thanks for the suggestion but I'm going to do something else", then we are making great strides to becoming a person who can recognize triggers and move past them.  The triggers will never stop, porn blocker or not.

If we are struggling, then sure...use blockers or anything at our disposal to help keep porn at bay, but to truly change our lives, we have to be able to be hit with the mightiest of triggers...and choose to not act out.

In a perfect world I would have the tools to do that completely on my own, but for now the accountability software is a very effective tool.

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #218 on: June 22, 2015, 11:51:50 AM »
Just checking in.  This is a bit of a 60 day milestone ramble...

60 days looks good.  My last best streak was 62 days.

I'm trying not to focus as much on sex in my journal as I did in the past.  In prior attempts, my goal was a functioning dick and I pretty much judged where I was and what progress had been made according to my ability to perform and how much sex I was actually getting.  This time around I am thinking more about the addiction recovery and I know that the physical issues will take care (or seem to have already taken care) of themselves.

Having said that, I fully realize that our journals are read by many new guys here (whether they sign up for an account or not) who are just now realizing what porn has done to them and are freaking out.  I'm sure many such guys are still very dick focused..so if anyone out there feels as hopeless and frightened as I was before I began this process...please believe me, find a way to stay away from porn and things will work out.  I've had successful sex with my wife 4 times in the last week.  This is coming from a guy who viewed porn daily since 1985 and PMO'd daily (if not multiple times a day) since 1987.  The porn eventually led to occasional ED which caused anxiety and a general withdrawal from sex unless I was ragingly horny and knew I could perform.  Our sex-life had dwindled to 1-2 times a month.   I actually used to look forward to my wife's period because I knew the pressure was off.

Reflecting on the past 60 days it has been tough at times.  I am proud to have almost completely stayed away from porn, but I am a little disappointed in that I have MO's a bit more than I would have liked.  Even still, I was a guy who was averaging PMO 1-2 times daily...may last PMO was 60 days ago so I guess I've improved to an average of once in 60 days.  My MO average is more like once every 6.5 days with some good streaks and a few times on back to back days.

I still feel like this process is just beginning...at least the process of breaking free of the porn addiction.  I still feel the need to constantly police my thoughts.  It is becoming easier to pinpoint what frame of mind leads to unwanted thoughts.  It is more apparent that the root cause of many cravings come from being bored, stressed, angry or lonely.  I also feel urges if I feel physically bad (which in my case is usually a slight hangover from drinking the night before).  Sometimes thoughts can just pop up out of nowhere and I wonder "where the f' did that come from?".  Other times it is less actual porn thoughts but an underlying craving that builds in the back of my mind.  I'm still trying to focus around the thoughts and am working on improving my meditation skills which helps in this endeavor tremendously.

It is clear to me now that this is a life-long process.  It is more like a new way to live than just working on it for a while and then the addiction magically goes away.  I suppose I'm pretty good with that.   The skills that I am developing in my attempt to stay away from porn are skills that can be applied to many aspects of life.  My porn use became a mechanism that I employed to make myself feel better anytime I was not satisfied for whatever reason.  It was a drug upon which I became dependent.  With the porn-drug gone, it becomes glaring when I am unhappy because I have nothing to numb myself from the pain.  It leaves me with a plain and simple truth...something here sucks, so what are you going to do about it?...or can you do anything about it?  If the answer is yes, let's do what we can to fix it.  If the answer is no, then be a man, accept it and move on.

Porn also became a substitute for the true emotional attachment that I craved from my wife.  It is blurry to me whether I used porn to make up for that lack or if my porn use made me distant and she simply adapted to who I had become.  I am 100% devoted to my marriage and I know she is too, so we'll figure all of that stuff out as we go along.  I will say that I feel a strong desire to be closer...to touch, hug and be more loving than before and she acts like she doesn't know why.  She feels that I am doing this as some constant desire for sex which isn't the case at all.  In the past, any physical attention I showed her was a signal that I wanted sex...so I suppose I am reaping what I sewed.  Who knows, the feelings and emotions of a recovering addict can bounce all over the place...lots of highs and lows.  Even at 60 days, I need to remind myself that I am in the middle of an emotional process and I can possibly read things into situations that are not there and that I may not clearly be seeing things as they truly are.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2015, 04:50:46 PM by unchained »

Chile

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #219 on: June 23, 2015, 08:56:36 PM »
Write a book Unchanined! Congratulations on breaking 60 days.

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #220 on: June 24, 2015, 09:23:18 AM »
Back to 62.  Wahoo!

It was on day 62 that I failed in my previous best streak.  Looking back, my failure then was a slow progression of getting dangerously near the edge over time.  A couple of weeks prior I allowed myself to peek which led to more peeking which led to peeking and edging which led right back to where I has started.

This time I am on much firmer ground.  I'm not overconfident, will not say that I'll never slip and I try not to dwell on what it will take to live a lifetime free of something a small part of me is still very driven to do.

I realize that triggers will never go away.  It has to be a process of dealing with them in a way that the frontal cortex begins to win the tug-of-war against the limbic part of the brain.  The triggers seem to be far less strong lately, but I can't help but feel that has more to do with strengthening my rational brain than it does with the urges being weaker.  I think of it in the same way as building muscle.  If you've never worked out, then lifting 150 lbs may seem daunting or impossible at first.  Over time you build strength and it is no problem.  The weight has not become any lighter...you've become stronger.  Today, that is how I feel and it feels good.  The urges and triggers are there, but I have the strength to move them out of my way.

This morning I had a perfect opportunity to act out.   My wife does not usually work on Wednesdays but she is filling in for another girl.  My mother-in-law came to our house to watch the kids while my wife works.  The wife left for work at 7:15 and the mother-in-law wasn't coming over until 8:30.  The kids were still both asleep in bed.  We have one computer in the house that does not have covenanteyes installed.  It is in an office and I pretty much just stay out of there period.  Anyway, I heard a little voice inside my head saying that it would be nice to see what new ladies have been added to my favorite sites in the last couple of months.  In the past, this would have been a grueling temptation.  It would have filled my thoughts and I would have wrestled with it all morning even if I didn't give in.  I was brushing my hair when the thought popped into my mind.  Looking in the mirror, I said to my limbic brain "thanks for the suggestion, but I think I'll do something else."  Looking back...that was it...I didn't even think about it again until it crossed my mind as I was writing this entry.

Best of luck guys...stay strong.

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #221 on: June 25, 2015, 12:32:14 PM »
63 days is a new personal best for me...uncharted water baby!  Like a viking on his way to the new world.  I have not arrived but I'm on my way.

Gracie

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #222 on: June 25, 2015, 01:09:01 PM »
Unchained,
I want to tell you how much I enjoyed reading your post of June 22nd.  You are getting it!  It is about the relationship not the penis.  To me, it kind of works like Field of Dreams the baseball movie.  "If you build it, they will come."  If the way PAs change the way they interact with their wives, they will choose you.  In other words, if you choose them (which you did when you married) again, they will choose you.  My husband's physical attention to me was a physical interaction during the day meant he wanted sex.  And it was not often.  He waited for me to indicate I wanted sex.  He never really made me the center.  So in a way you are right, we wives change to accommodate your change.  He chose to make us roommates.  I thought is this what happens in our 50's?  Then I thought he wanted to be with someone else, which I guess was partially true.  He wanted images late at night while I slept.  He now treasures the closeness we share. 

When you talk about triggers, he has them too.  Just the other day we were both stressed from work.  He said he was stressed.  I asked what was he stressed about.  He then said, "Nothing, never mind."  I had to go into the room where he was and say, "No.  you just said you were stressed and I care.  You need to tell me.  It is important to you."  And he told me.  Once he started in porn he pushed me away and then quit communicating and then was able to convince himself that I did not care.  So here was his instinct telling him to not talk because I did not care.  We talked about that afterword.  That he cannot assume what he thinks will happen or what I will think or am thinking.  But he did not recognize this in the moment.

Good progress!  Sorry this is so long.

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #223 on: June 26, 2015, 03:18:02 PM »
Thanks Gracie.  I appreciate the post.  Don't worry...it wasn't too long.  Besides I am the king of long posts.  I value your input and kind of wish we had more ladies posting here.  While I view this place as primarily a space that gives us guys and opportunity to support one another, give encouragement to one another in our failed attempts and cheer each other on in success, it is also nice to get a woman's perspective.  The perspective of a female partner gives this place some balance.

I have an app on my phone that sends me a short daily devotional every day.  I felt that today's devotional had information that was appropriate for many of us here.  The title was "Governing Yourself" and is full of inspirational passages as well as non-biblical quotations from some of the world's greatest thinkers.  I wanted to share some of them with you guys here.  I feel some are worthy of memorizing and adding to one's meditation (if you choose to do so).  So...here goes:


Conquer yourself.  Till you have done this, you are but a slave; for it is almost as well to be subjected to another's appetite as to your own.
---Richard Burton (1861-1940)

To rule self and subdue our passions is the more pariseworthy, because so few know how to do it.
---Francesco Guiccardini (1483-1540)

Self-control is a key factor in achieving success.  We can't control everything in life, but we can definitely control ourselves.
---Jan Mckingley Hilado (b. 1991)

Self-discipline begins with the mastery of your thoughts.  If you don't control what you think, you can't control what you do.  Simply, self-discipline enables you to think first and act afterward.
---Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)

I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self.
---Aristotle (384BC-322BC)

To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves.
---Virginia Woolf (1882-1941)

Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.
---Seneca (4BC-65AD)

A person without self-control is like a breached city, one with no walls.
---Proverbs 25:28

The Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.
---2 Timothy 1:7

Every temptation that is resisted, every noble aspiration that is encouraged, every sinful thought that is repressed, every bitter word that is withheld, adds its little item to the impetus of that great moment which is bearing humanity onward toward a richer life and higher character.
---John Fiske (1842-1901)

For want of self-restraint many men are engaged all their lives in fighting with difficulties of their own making and rendering success impossible by their own crossgrained ungeltleness; whilst others, it may be much less gifted, make their way and achieve success by simple patience, equanimity, and self-control.
---Samuel Smiles (1812-1904)

Do you want to know the man against whom you have the most reason to guard yourself?  Your looking-glass will give you a very fair likeness of his face.
---Richard Whately (1787-1863)

unchained

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Re: 41 (now) year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #224 on: July 10, 2015, 12:26:06 PM »
Among the many benefits that I've read about as we walk away from porn is better sleep.

Last year for Christmas my wife bought me a Jawbone UP fitness tracker.  Basically, it's like a FitBit or any of the other wrist worn devices that track stuff like steps taken, calories burned, sleep, etc.  I've worn it for the past year or so and it has the ability to track your sleep, how much you wake during the night as well as how much of your sleep is light sleep and how much is deep sleep.  If it is accurate, my sleep is definitely improving.  I don't really spend any more time in bed (anywhere between 7.5-8 hrs a night), but I was only getting about 2 hours of deep sleep a night before (sometimes even less) and now I am consistently getting 6+ hours of deep sound sleep a night.

The change in my sleep has gradually progressed and parallels my distancing myself from porn.

Just food for thought...one more reason to stay porn free.
« Last Edit: July 13, 2015, 09:58:34 AM by unchained »