Author Topic: 43 year old, addict since 13. Finally unchained from slavery to porn  (Read 66938 times)

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #175 on: May 14, 2015, 09:22:40 AM »
For me the three week mark is when my cravings for a dopamine fix are at their max...that is, if I haven't fallen in the prior week of two. In the last week my brain has been using all kinds of excuses to get that dopamine rush, but so far I've resisted, thanks to the video in yourbrainonporn.com and the great encouragement from all of you guys here.

Congratulations on the connection with your wife...that's a huge deal.  For me, the anxiety tends to increase starting around one week in.  From there it builds until somewhere around three week mark and then eases.  However, as it eases there are still some pretty intense spikes that hit and can catch me off-guard.

I feel REALLY good right now.

My cold shower therapy is still going strong.  I started that two weeks ago today and have only had one warm shower in that time.  At first I planned to allow hot showers on the weekend, but weekends are tough for me.  Since the cold showers make such a huge difference, it's an all-the-time deal now.  My body has adapted to the cold.  I take the entire shower cold now and after cleaning I stay in the water for a full 5 minutes with the water as cold as it will go...man, what a rush.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2015, 10:37:57 AM by unchained »

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #176 on: May 14, 2015, 11:26:05 AM »
I also think there is something to be said for getting past 2 or 3 weeks. For me, 2 weeks was always the invisible ceiling. I don't want to sound like I've arrived (I certainly have NOT), but I suspect my frontal lobes are gaining traction. Porn still appeals to me but it is noticeably easier to say no.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #177 on: May 15, 2015, 05:20:15 PM »
I re-read my entire journal today...I've been putting that off.  I didn't want to go back and revisit myself when I was past 60 days.  Prior to the last few days it was almost like I could see the 60+ day me being disappointed in the failure me.  I felt that way for a long time & that attitude probably prolonged my binge for weeks if not months.  It hurt to read about that guy who was pumped up, feeling success, seeing positive results, but that's ok.  I've come to terms with where I am at..."it is what it is".  This is where I am NOW and I'm back on the path to a healthy me.  I have more tools at my disposal, a clearer mindset and a better vision of how to get where I need to go.  I feel like I just took a full breath of air through my nose after it being swelled shut for a long, long time (I would rather be kicked in the gut than have a stuffy nose) and it is refreshing.

Feeling good.  I'm always optimistic at quitting time on Fridays.  Time to pick up something for the grill and a few beers.  Yes indeedie, today is a good day...one more porn free day to add to my counter.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #178 on: May 15, 2015, 06:43:08 PM »
Just noticed I am 25% to my 90 day goal.  Only 3 days of excruciating misery to endure for over one under my belt.  WAHOOO!

Just kidding...my anxiety has dropped to zero, the withdrawals are getting soooo much better.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #179 on: May 17, 2015, 10:45:02 AM »
Feeling good today.  In a week, I'll be past the one month mark...that will be a nice mile stone.

After church this morning, I hugged my wife, told her that I loved her and that I was happy in our marriage.  I don't say things like that often enough.

We have a wonderful Sunday school class. It's a small group and we discuss openly (I don't go so far as saying I'm a porn addict, lol). Today our lesson involved marriage and sexuality.  I sat there and thought about how much has been given to me and how lucky I am.  I am trying to stay focused on the positive and not beat myself up in this reboot, so I won't say I am kicking myself for my mistakes, I am focusing on what I have, what I want to be in the future and have the mindset to do what is necessary to get there.

Please don't think me preachy (I have too many faults to get in the pulpit), but even if you are not a Christian, the following visualization is powerful.  After saving the adulterous woman from being stoned, Jesus said "Go and sin no more".  He didn't say "go and live with guilt", or "go and wrestle with your conscious" or "I saved you but sit here and wallow in shame for a bit".

Obviously, she had consequences in front of her for her actions, as do we.  But the point is this, go AWAY from the actions that got us to this place.

2000 years ago, we were told to turn our back to and "go" away from the bahaviors that hurt us and those we love.  Today I am one day further down that path...and I feel pretty good.

Jay1946

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #180 on: May 17, 2015, 11:51:14 AM »
Unchained:

Very wise words. We need to focus on where we want to be, rather than be chained to our past. If we've been addicted to porn for dozens of years, it's unrealistic to expect that we're never going to fall again. What's important is that when we fall, we pick ourselves up and continue on our journey without delay. I find rebootnation an incredible place for encouragement. Sharing our journey here has given me the push I needed to stay committed.

I'm also experiencing greater closeness with my wife, as you describe with yours. Today, Sunday, our four children and our grandchildren are otherwise occupied and we're looking forward to spending the day together. I know that if I was fully into porn I wouldn't feel the happiness I now feel to spend the day only with my wife.

Wishing you a steady journey....
« Last Edit: May 17, 2015, 12:19:43 PM by Jay1946 »
Jay

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #181 on: May 17, 2015, 04:37:53 PM »
I'm so glad to be taking this journey with guys like you, Unchained and Jay1946. I am strengthened just by reading your posts.

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #182 on: May 17, 2015, 09:51:31 PM »

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #183 on: May 18, 2015, 10:30:48 PM »
Thanks for the link Chile…may give that a go.

Today was a good day…heck it's my birthday.  I'm 41 and really feel pretty dang good.  I should exercise a bit more but overall, aside from being a porn addict, am pretty happy in all aspects of my life…and I'm leaving the porn behind.

Wife gave me birthday sex when I got home from work!  Yeeehaw…that was a treat.  In three weeks of reboot we have had sex multiple times which includes the fact she was out of commission for the better part of a week for her period.

This attempt has been TONS better than before.  I don't worry if I can avoid porn, I know I can.  I don't struggle with fighting porn, I turn my back and walk away.  The anxiety isn't there nagging at me that I need relief (I attribute that to the cold showers).  I feel good, I feel positive…most importantly I feel that the path I am on is the path that leads to a happier me.  And that happier me makes for a better husband and father to make the people I care most about happier as well.

Lord please give me more days like today…happy days without porn in my life

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #184 on: May 18, 2015, 10:42:43 PM »
Happy birthday Unchained! You have become a valued friend, even if it's only in cyberspace. I'm glad you are doing so well. Your confidence is not arrogant at all. Arrogant confidence always proceeds a nasty fall, but real confidence is what creates inspiration and real men. I have incorporated a lot of your practical wisdom in just walking away. I guess my word "fight" has been changed to "resist", and one of the best ways to resist is by walking away.

53nomorepmo

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #185 on: May 20, 2015, 12:18:23 PM »
Feeling good today.  In a week, I'll be past the one month mark...that will be a nice mile stone.

After church this morning, I hugged my wife, told her that I loved her and that I was happy in our marriage.  I don't say things like that often enough.

We have a wonderful Sunday school class. It's a small group and we discuss openly (I don't go so far as saying I'm a porn addict, lol). Today our lesson involved marriage and sexuality.  I sat there and thought about how much has been given to me and how lucky I am.  I am trying to stay focused on the positive and not beat myself up in this reboot, so I won't say I am kicking myself for my mistakes, I am focusing on what I have, what I want to be in the future and have the mindset to do what is necessary to get there.

Please don't think me preachy (I have too many faults to get in the pulpit), but even if you are not a Christian, the following visualization is powerful.  After saving the adulterous woman from being stoned, Jesus said "Go and sin no more".  He didn't say "go and live with guilt", or "go and wrestle with your conscious" or "I saved you but sit here and wallow in shame for a bit".

Obviously, she had consequences in front of her for her actions, as do we.  But the point is this, go AWAY from the actions that got us to this place.

2000 years ago, we were told to turn our back to and "go" away from the bahaviors that hurt us and those we love.  Today I am one day further down that path...and I feel pretty good.
Unchained, I have just read of your entire journal and have found it very inspiring.  Thank you, your comment above concerning not looking back is so very important in my opinion.  If I look back it looks pretty damn dark.  Looking forward is the only option and for me anyway.  The only possible way to recover.  I too developed some unusual fetishes, but unlike yours carrying them out would never work in my life.  Not sure I want to get specific in describing these fetishes in a recovery journal, but suffice it to say looking back won't help me recover..   So no more PMO I will try my best to sin no more.  :-)  Happy Birthday!  Thanks for sharing your struggle!

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #186 on: May 21, 2015, 11:58:49 AM »
Thanks 53nomorepmo

One thing that seems to be helping me is covenanteyes

I initially installed it on my phone, but not my laptop.  On my laptop, I made my wife the administrator and turned the parental settings as tight as they would go, but that became a pain.  I had to have her come and type in her password for just about every single site I wanted to go visit.  Eventually I found ways around the controls and was using my laptop for PMO once again.

At the beginning of this attempt, I reset my computer.  It has no type of porn blocker, but I installed covenanteyes on it as well.  For me, accountability works better than walls.  Last night I allowed myself to view nude images on my work computer after a simple news headline mentioned a pornstar.  I feel terrible for not simply walking away, so this morning I installed covenanteyes on my work computer as well.  It is apparent to me that I need to be 100% all-the-time accountable for what I view on the internet.

At first I didn't like the idea of my wife getting a report of my internet usage.  I viewed it like some guy handing his balls over to his wife, but I realized that being accountable for my internet use was the only way it was going to work for me.  I like the way this type accountability makes me feel.  There is really nothing stopping me from going to any site I want other than the knowledge that I will be discovered.  I have to constantly make the choice that porn is not worth the price to be paid.  I believe that making that choice every time I look at my phone, laptop or work computer will help me recover from the addictive cycle faster than simply blocking access to porn or by avoiding the internet altogether.  There will surely be more headlines some day that will serve as a trigger, I just have to keep turning my back and refuse to let porn entice me into a fight.

If any of you haven't listened to Gary's radio shows...you should.  I downloaded all of them and listen to them every day in the car.  Show #21 has some good info about how to keep from letting a porn trigger or que grown into a full blown struggle.  Here's a link:

http://yourbrainonporn.com/brett-explains-how-cope-porn-cues-and-sexual-tension-show-21



Jay1946

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #187 on: May 21, 2015, 04:34:47 PM »
Unchained:


Great advice. In my case I installed Covenant Eyes in both my laptop and Iphone and it's worked well. One of the guys in my 12 step group gave me the same advice as you did-that I use the accountability feature of CE (sends a person you choose a report of your internet use)-but I have not done it yet. My wife told me when I started this battle that she did not want to know the "ugly details", so, she would not want to be the one receiving the reports, and I just can't think of someone else I trust completely that I could choose to receive them.


Having said that, though, the filter does help me, because it places a barrier between my urges and their actual fulfillment, and just the thought that I have to take many additional steps to get to my fix works as a big deterrent for me. I also find that the more days I've been free of PMO the less the attraction.
Jay

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #188 on: May 22, 2015, 10:26:44 PM »
Looking for something to watch and the freaking AVN awards are on Showtime.

It's sad when I think about it.  Sure, us old cats fell Into porn because it played on our natural curiosity when we were young, but today society not only says porn is acceptable, it makes porn look glamorous...so sad.

53nomorepmo

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #189 on: May 23, 2015, 11:44:16 AM »
The good news is groups like this are helping to spread the word about the danger of porn to our well being.  So important especially for younger guys.  I am optimistic this thinking will become common knowledge in time.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #190 on: May 24, 2015, 07:01:07 AM »
I am trying not to over analyze my healing in this process.  In the past, I was in a constant state of worry about how much or if any progress had been made.  I see now that it always kept me on edge and am not sure if it was the cause of or the result of the extreme anxiety I experienced going through withdrawal.  So, while I'm not hung up on some things such as morning wood, I'm happy to have noticed that while mine never completely went away, it is an almost daily occurrence now and it seems to be a full on flagpole type erection rather than just 80% hard and laying there.

On another note, I'm at the beach this week with my family.  There are triggers everywhere you turn your head, but I'm ok.  At some point in life I have to acknowledge seeing a sexy lady without letting it escalate into the compulsion to PMO.

53nomorepmo

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #191 on: May 24, 2015, 10:52:23 AM »
I am trying not to over analyze my healing in this process.  In the past, I was in a constant state of worry about how much or if any progress had been made.  I see now that it always kept me on edge and am not sure if it was the cause of or the result of the extreme anxiety I experienced going through withdrawal.  So, while I'm not hung up on some things such as morning wood, I'm happy to have noticed that while mine never completely went away, it is an almost daily occurrence now and it seems to be a full on flagpole type erection rather than just 80% hard and laying there.

On another note, I'm at the beach this week with my family.  There are triggers everywhere you turn your head, but I'm ok.  At some point in life I have to acknowledge seeing a sexy lady without letting it escalate into the compulsion to PMO.

This is great progress, I am 100% in agreement with your comment about letting go of analyzing every movement downstairs.  It sounds like you got a handle on recognizing your triggers and avoiding the habit. 

What you are describing sounds wonderful, normal and healthy!

You are a lucky guy!  Keep that loving relationship you have going and the "PMO is not an option" mindset and I am guessing it will become even easier to ignore those triggers.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #192 on: May 28, 2015, 07:04:27 PM »
Vacation time can be tough.  Don't get me wrong, I am having fun and it is nice to relax, but it helps me to have something concrete to focus on to get through the day.

On a positive note, I've had successful sex with the wife a couple times in the last 3 days...no complaints about that.

There is no opportunity to relapse as I have all of my internet access points monitored, but the thoughts still try to find their way in.  I try not to focus and have success in doing so, but they are still there in the background.  Maybe this is just how it's going to be for a while...who knows?  It isn't bad like the anxiety of withdrawal, I just want it off of me...away from me.

Anyone like Jimmy Buffett? Aside from his politics, I am a huge fan.  My favorite song of his is "Stranded on a Sandbar"...the 2nd verse starts like this:

Now I used to go crazy for days at a time,
Now I'm taking my time with my days.
Haven't found the answers like some that I know,
I'm just stuck in a fairly nice maze.


That's how I feel. Not bad, just a little stuck, but I'm working on the answers.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #193 on: May 29, 2015, 09:24:26 AM »
I think sometimes we overlook a pretty basic fact when we struggle with what trips us up…we're guys and we naturally like looking at nude women.

Yes there are a lot of things that may push us to want to PMO, but for me it has mostly been that I like to look at women.  I'm not excusing it because in overindulging, I have become addicted and have caused pain to myself and others.  Porn needs to go no matter what the reason for my use, but some times I think we "over think" what drives us to seek porn.  There are many who have had any number of bad things happen to them in life that may be at the root of this addiction and I am not attempting to discount their experiences…but those are not my experiences.

I basically have no excuse.  I was a kid who found magazines of nude women.  I liked what I saw…so much so that I sought it out.  When I found more explicit material like Hustler and the like, I moved from the equivalent of pot to crack…"holy moly this is what a grown woman looks like down there, wahoo!".  Later when internet and high speed came along, I basically spent more and more time seeking more and more of the same.  At times I have seen things that disgusted me, but never developed a taste for such things.  I'd say at least 90% of my PMO was still in search of still images, though very explicit still images, usually through sites that I would pay to join.  I would have several memberships at a time and would only join sites that had daily updates with lots of women in each update.  I have indulged & overindulged.  In the end, eventually still pics wouldn't be enough to get me hard, so I would go to a tube site, get hard looking at videos (always straight and usually one on one sex), and then go back and finish to stills of an individual lady.  My fetishes developed around individual body parts and the stills allowed me to single out a "perfect" image and focus on whatever it was that I was looking for that day.  I was still using multiple tabs, multiple searches and the like, but I used the net the same way I used mags as a kid.  I can remember sitting in my bedroom floor at about 13 with at least 30-40 magazines spread out all around me frantically searching for which picture to finish with.  I eventually became a 40 year old version of that same kid doing the same thing (but with a computer) all the while I had the "real thing" available to me but I wanted the novelty…it has always been about the novelty.

53nomorepmo

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #194 on: May 29, 2015, 09:53:20 AM »
I think sometimes we overlook a pretty basic fact when we struggle with what trips us up…we're guys and we naturally like looking at nude women.

Unchained I like how you started this post.  This problem does derive from something we all are naturally wired to do.  We are wired to seek out women/sex and novelty so that we can procreate and spread our seed as widely as possible.  Sounds OK so far, except here comes this damn technology that puts this natural drive in overdrive.  Now we are wired to follow a screen and push the reward button, over and over again, (dopamine) until we have screwed up our ability to react properly to the real world.... You absolutely nailed it and your narrative describes the process.  Now that I have read enough of these journals I realize this is the common thread the thing that makes all our different stories the same... No more PMO for me, I want this rewire job badly enough to give it up, and hopefully forever.

notgivinup

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #195 on: May 29, 2015, 01:02:47 PM »
Hey Unchained...just saw your journal today...and have been reading. I haven't made it all the way through yet, but I have been encouraged by what I have read.
I got to 69 days in my first attempt here...and then had a fall, and another a week later, and another a week after that.
But, I'm back again...and continue to learn tons....so much from other guys here.

Thanks for your honesty and all you write about...and thanks for your consistency here.
I'm glad you're part of RN. I am looking forward to reading the rest of your journal.

Thanks,
NGU

Chile

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #196 on: May 29, 2015, 01:55:08 PM »
I hope you enjoy your vacation time Unchained!

Abu X

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #197 on: May 29, 2015, 02:54:21 PM »
Hi Unchained your journal has been an inspiration for me and although my porn addiction is different to yours as I enjoyed the videos more than the still I did move from the soft magazines to the hard core magazines and then the internet etc but I have never paid any memberships for porn probably the only reason that I didn't want my cc details dished out.

Keep posting brother, enjoying your jounal

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #198 on: May 30, 2015, 10:55:56 AM »
Thanks for your input guys.  I follow all of your journals and draw bits of wisdom from them all.  The collective experiences and insights from everyone here has helped me in my own attempt to walk away from porn.  That is the reason sites like this one are so important.  Without working on my own journal, other's input on my situation and reading the accounts of others, it would be infinitely more difficult.  Thanks again.

Abu...I suppose I've spent somewhere north of $20,000 on internet porn in the last 18 years.  At $100/month (conservative estimate) for 12 months a year for 18 years Is $21,600.  Holy cow what a waste.

Scott, I've read your journal and your drive to keep going after a stumble is inspiring.  That drive will eventually see you to success.  I hope some day to become a 100% recovery story & maybe our journals will encourage others when they see it is a journey that is sometimes met with setbacks along the way.

Today is my last day of vacation...heading home tomorrow.  In some ways I feel the need to get back to my regular life. I'm ready to work some positive activities into the void filled by pmo.  To this point, I have filled it with reading here, ybop, listening to every video at ybop.  I read & listen to Gary, Noah, Mark Queppet, etc.  I still intend do do so, it helps me stay on track, but I'm past the withdrawal & constant anxiety phase and it is time to start filling my life with other interests as well.

It sure doesn't hurt that I love my wife...I love my life.  What has been given to me is worth working for.  I hope to spend time investing in the relationships that matter, not hiding in the bathroom with my laptop.

unchained

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Re: 40 year old, addict since 13 committed to freedom from porn
« Reply #199 on: June 05, 2015, 07:01:04 AM »
Rough week back at work.  I was away from the office for 10 days and have had a tough time putting out all of the fires that started while I was gone.  At times I have found it very difficult to be nice to people...and I don't like seeing that in myself.

On a positive, I've got a nice streak going here.  I've started running again and that makes me feel good.  I'm not overweight but I've lost a couple of pounds.  I stay busy from the time I get up until bedtime.  That has helped more than anything.  I may have many triggers, but my #1 trigger is boredom.  Sitting idle watching a tv program that doesn't interest me is a recipe for a fall...so I keep moving.  At 10:30 last night I re-leveled my lawnmower deck while listening to Gary's radio podcasts....then I took a 10 minute long cold shower as cold as it would go.  The thing is...last night I wasn't triggered, tempted or fighting anything.  I did these things preemptively...feels kind of good.